Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2001 18:49:04 EDT
From: FourHim821@aol.com
Subject: "Movin' On" by Mandi

I don't know anyone in Nsync, nor do I mean to imply anything about their
personalities.

This is the first short story in a series of short stories, all from songs,
all connected.  I'm having a minor writer's block for "It's not just me" so
I'm taking a break from it to write these.  I usually put who sings the
songs I write about, so if I forget to mention anyone, then please remind
me, sometimes I forget. If you wanna hear this song, go buy the album, it's
great.


Movin' On



***********************************************
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should
But lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
**********************************************


He put put the last of the boxes in the trunk of his car, closing it and
facing the house once again. He didn't really want to leave, but he knew he
had to, he had to get away. He broke the news to the rest of the guys
yesterday, simply told them that he had to leave, it just wasn't any fun
anymore. His other half didn't even know, and was so confused as to why he
didn't bother to tell him? He had convinced him that his mother wanted to
see him, and that he knew would get him to leave, because the man's mother
swore to never speak to him again. It had been about a year since he told
his mother that he was gay, and the man's mother didn't take to well to it.
So he just called her and told her that her son had realized what he had
been doing and was coming to see her, and not to say much of anything to
him, until he called her back to tell her that he was gone. He knew this
was for the best, and kept telling himself that, with every little bit of
memories he packed up in the boxes, he had to tell himself, this is what's
supposed to be.

He was so in love with Justin, wanted to spend the rest of his life with
him, and wanted his own mother to know, and he got much of the same
reaction when he told his mother as when Justin told his. His mother loved
him, he knew, he just wanted him to be happy, and she was sure he wasn't
with Justin.  He had decided this himself, aside from the phone calls he
got everyday from his mother, quoting bible verses, leaving messages on
their answering machine......those didn't even phase him. He was not only
worried about his own soul, but that one of Justin, he knew Justin was
religous, and sometimes, he believed he was himself. But to him, it seemed
religion was just another set of rules someone thought up to control us all
even more. But to tell that to his mother would be disasterous, so he kept
it to himself, and knew this is what he had to do.


**************************************
I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but thier always the same
They mean me no harm
But it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
******************************************


He walked back through the house one more time, looking at all the pictures
on the wall, the memories attached to every little thing in the house. The
living room, where Justin had proposed, the kitchen, the first place they
had sex in the house. The stairs, where they had sex after coming back from
tour, not being able to touch eachother for two months. His office, Justin
loved to interupt him when he was busy, simply because he thought he worked
too much. The dining room, the place where Justin was disowned from his
family, and he his own. Their bedroom......I think you know the memories in
there. The bathroom, the computer room...all of them had their own
signifigance. He saw a picture of the five of them out of the corner of his
eye, he stared for a while, wondering what each of them are going to do
now? But he knew he couldn't continue in that kind of atmosphere,
especially with him there, he would resume the lifestyle he had before.

His mother tried to convince herself that he was just going through a
phase, and after awhile, he started to believe it himself, that this was
just what seemed right at the time. But soon, he started seeing himself
less and less attracted to Justin, and more and more in love with him. It
stopped being physical, yes he still found Justin attractive, but it was
what he did, that was more attractive to him. He tried to tell himself that
Justin was a man, he wasn't supposed to be attracted to a man, and then it
started to sink in. He just couldn't lead Justin on anymore, he couldn't
keep him thinking that he loved him, when in fact he didn't. He could say
he did love him at one time, but now it was just wrong, and he couldn't do
it anymore.


**********************************
But I never dreamed
Home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin on
************************************


He could still hear his mother's words in his ears, telling him that being
a fag was wrong, and he was going to hell for being like this. No matter
how much it hurt to hear, in a way he knew it was true, his mother wouldn't
lie to him would she? All his life he was told he wasn't allowed to like
boys, and when he found himself liking them, he would surround himself with
more girls than boys. He didn't ever find anything wrong with it, he
thought love was love, no matter what form it came in. He was sure no
matter what your parents were supposed to love you, unconditionally. For as
far back as he could remember, everything he ever did, was to please his
mother, even though nothing he did ever could. That's when he realized that
he couldn't go home, he didn't belong at home, it wasn't his anymore. He
just couldn't step back into a life that he tried so hard to get rid of, so
he bought a plane ticket for California instead. He wiped his eyes, and
grabbed his bags, shipping the rest out to the apartment he found in
California, and stepped into the terminal, not looking back.

He smiled for Justin, knowing he was doing this more for him than himself,
Justin was too young to be tied down, and forced into this way of
loving. He just didn't want to sit around, and do the same thing over and
over again, nothing changes. He knew what was going to happen everyday, and
how everything he did would turn out, and he didn't want that. He wanted to
simply be normal, he had to come to grips that those days are long gone,
and he had to become another person, so to speak. So leaving now, would
save him from heartache later, when Justin realized that this isn't what he
wants, he wants more. With a heavy heart he sighed and leaned against the
window, wishing somehow that he could have everything he wanted, but knew
not even for Lance Bass, could that happen.


**********************************************
I'm movin' on
At last I could see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all they can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I'm movin' on
********************************************


I'm movin' on: written by Phillip White and D. Vincent Williams.
Performed by: Rascal Flatts