Date: Sat, 2 Dec 2000 19:31:39 -0800 (PST) From: Colleen H Subject: Scarce Heard Chapter 15 *********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real. Comprende? *NSync (ie-- Chris and JC) may or may not be gay. Who cares? Whatever floats their respective boats is their business and not mine. I just like playing with them a little. No actual *NSyncers were harmed during the creation of this story. Thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, SCOTT, Red, Jayne, DARA, Jackie, If I've forgotten anyone, I'm sorry. I have a horrible memory for names, so forgive me if you're not mentioned here. I appreciate the feedback, I really do! Special thanks to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for the idea for the story's format. The song & lyrics are by Simon & Garfunkle. ********** Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below Bleeker Street- JC POV By Colleen ***** Voices leaking from a sad cafe Smiling faces try to understand I saw a shadow touch a shadow's hand On Bleeker Street ***** It's quite the shock to find out your ex-boyfriend has forgotten you so easily. I came here, fully intending to talk this out with Chris and I find that he's already moved on and found himself a new boyfriend. Nice to know I'm so easily replaced. He stands in the doorway, a shocked look on his face, while his guest just looks... confused. He's actually the first one to react. Chalk up one more strike against him. "Chris, I'll see you in the morning," he says, getting his coat and gently pushing his way past us. "Night, Scott," Chris replies as if in a daze. So this new man has a name-- Scott. Once we're alone, Chris suddenly seems to wake up and steps aside, allowing me into his apartment. I walk in, studying his new surroundings. They don't look anything like the room Chris has back in Orlando... I mean, back at home. This place is actually *clean*! "Can I get you something?" his soft voice startles me and I jump slightly. "A gun?" I ask half-sarcastically. The sad look that crosses his face pulls me up short. Why would a man with a new boyfriend look sad? I hate puzzles. "Why are you here?" Chris finally asks, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between the two of us. "I wanted to talk to you about us, but I guess you've already moved on." Is that my voice that sounds so bitter? Wow. "What?" "Scott. Isn't he your new boyfriend?" "SCOTT? My boyfriend? Hell, no! He works at the office with me." The look on his face convinces me he's telling the truth and I sigh. "We should have done this a long time ago." "I tried, Josh. Remember?" It's his turn to sound bitter and I wince. "I wasn't ready." I know it's lame, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment. "And I was?" "I didn't come to fight here with you." "Then why are you here? You don't need to be here... everything you wanted to say to me, you've said. You made it perfectly clear the last time we talked how you felt about me." I can tell he's nervous, because he's babbling and his voice sounds like it's ready to crack. I can still read the man like a book. "Chris, will you shut up!" His chattering is getting on my nerves. "I wanted to talk to you about that, actually." "Why?" "First things first-- I didn't mean it, Chris." Instead of the sadness I expected to see, or even happiness, his face hardens. "I'm supposed to believe you?" "WHAT?" "JC, if your trust in me could be broken by ONE MISTAKE that I made *while I was drunk,* then how do you think my trust in you fared?" "Hunh?" That sentence made no sense. "Fine, I'll keep it simple. You stopped trusting me. So I stopped trusting you." "You know me!" "I thought I did," Chris says, turning to look out the window. "I thought I knew you better than anyone else ever had, but I also thought that I would never hurt you. I guess I was wrong on both counts." The look in his eyes at that moment convinces me of something. This isn't what I came here to do, but I need to do this. "Chris, I forgive you for that." A stunned look comes over him, but he quickly turns back to the window, his face a mask. "What?" his voice betrays his surprise, even though he's keeping his face expressionless. I know him too well for him to hide his emotions from me. "Justin really laid into me about you, believe it or not. He kept telling me to forgive you before you left, but I wasn't ready. You hurt me by cheating, Chris, but you hurt me more when you ran away from me. The pain of that was still too fresh. It *still* hurts." "What changed?" "You wouldn't have left if you weren't genuinely sorry about what you'd done," I tell him softly. "Knowing that you felt bad about it does make it a little better. It won't ever go away, but at least I know you felt guilty." "*Feel* guilty," Chris says, still not looking away from the window. I can see his chest tighten, like he's fighting back tears. "Don't." That one word seems to break him and he lets loose with a flood of tears. I can only stand there in shock and watch him cry. He's never broken down like this in front of me before, so I know he's feeling really bad. "I'm sorry," he says after a while. "I don't mean to cry." "I understand," I respond. "That's a lot of guilt to carry around for so long." His face crumples again and I realize I've said the wrong thing. He manages to swallow his tears this time, though. "I know I've said this before, Josh, but I'm sorry." I notice the slight way his voice breaks when he says my name, but I ignore it. I have something else to tell him. "Did our conversation at Justin's the day you came back have anything to do with your trust in me?" I ask him. He nods once. "I broke that trust when I told you I'd never loved you." Another nod and I sigh. "Chris, for that I am so, so sorry." "Why?" "Because it was a lie." my answer is simple and to the point. "I wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me, and I guess I succeeded. I've always loved you, Chris." "It's too late for that now, Josh," he says sadly. "We can't ever go back on the things we've said and done, no matter how much we pretend we've forgiven the other. I know full well you'll never completely trust me again." "And I know that my telling you this means very little right now. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry, and that I didn't mean what I said." My own voice is shaking, but I need to finish this before I lose my resolve and throw myself, sobbing, at his feet. "If you didn't mean it, you wouldn't have said it," Chris says so quietly that I almost miss it. My eyes widen, but before I can say anything, he turns to me. "Was there anything else?" he asks, turning away from the window and heading for the door. I raise an eyebrow, as his sudden change of mood startles me. He's gone from sobbing like a baby to practically forcing me out of his apartment. "No," I slowly say. "Nothing else." There's a lot more I want to say, but I don't think I can ever say it. I can't tell him I want to rebuild our friendship. I can't tell him that Joey and Lance are planning to bring him home. Not quite sure what, but I know they're up to something. But most of all, I can't tell him that I still love him, and that I'm willing to make another go at our relationship. There's too much pain between us. "Bye, JC." He's gone back to the more formal 'JC'. I smile sadly and walk out the door, but this time, it's for good. Like Chris said, we can't go back to what we used to be, as either friends or lovers. So I'm going to make a clean break. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it's the only thing I can do, to protect us both from future heartache. "Bye, Chris." I love you.