Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 20:26:09 -0700 (PDT) From: Matt Hunter Subject: Hanging On For Dear Life 5 Disclaimer: This story involves homosexuality. Do not continue if this will offend you or violate local laws. By continuing, you are verifying under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually explicit material. The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regards to the sexual preference of any member of *NSYNC or any other celebrities named herein. Chapter Five - "You Keep Hoping Things Will Get Better" Things started moving pretty quickly after that. I had closed on the house, and Kathy had closed on her place before either of us were even through packing. The whole gang had shown up en masse to help with the final details, so while they were taking the last of the boxes, I was going through the house one last time to find anything I might have missed. I knew what I was going to miss, but I had made myself realize that it wasn't going to be found in this house. Curly walked in, keys in hand. He was looking around to see what needed to be done. I think he was surprised how much we'd already accomplished this morning. In truth, so was I, but Nick and the guys had showed up well before dawn, and with Lea and Jess coordinating things, it was actually getting done. Almost too efficiently I mused to myself. I think I was looking for a reason to stay. "Hey, J," I called. "Bout time you got your lazy ass in here." He smiled and dropped the keys in his pocket. Resting his sunglasses atop his head, he walked over to me and hugged me unexpectedly. I returned the embrace, but he'd truly caught me off guard. "While I appreciate the gesture, what's it for?" "Cause you need it," he smiled, "whether you know it or not." I nodded and kissed his cheek. "Thanks," I told him before adding, "but you're still not off the hook for being late." "Duly noted," he laughed. "What do I need to do?" "Find someone with a uterus and ask them. I'm a spectator in this." Kathy entered about that time with a raised eyebrow. "As much as I acknowledge that anyone with a uterus has more of a clue of what's going on than a man any day, I'm afraid I wouldn't have a clue where to direct him." Ashley trailed in soon behind. When he saw me, his grin went wide. He dropped some kind of a toy he was holding and ran over to me. He latched onto my legs so tight that I nearly toppled over. "And how are you, kiddo?" "I'm good, Uncle Josh. How are you?" I smiled. "Somebody's got you trained well, and I'm guessing it's your daddy, because momma and Uncle Justin don't have any manners." Kathy reared back and promptly slapped my arm--hard. "Ow!" I yelped. "You deserve it, butthead," she quickly responded. "But did I lie? That's the key," I smiled. "No," came the reply from the door as Kevin and Kris joined us. "I'd say you hit it right on the money." "My money hurts," I laughed, rubbing my arm. Turning to Curly, "Is she always this rough?" "Dude, you don't even want to know," he grinned back, looking over at Kathy, whose mouth was agape. "I'm stunned," she feigned. "Isn't there anyone here to defend my honor?" About that moment, Jeff rounded the corner with another box. "Don't look at me," he quickly inserted. "I'm happily married and entirely too protective of my manhood to tell the truth to you or to her." Her eyes went wide, and she turned towards Kevin, whose only comment was "What he said." "Anyway!" she said curtly, facing me again. "Is there anything we can do?" "Perfect timing for that question," Joey laughed. "All the hard stuff's done." "So help me God, anything dirty comes out of anyone's mouth, I'm gonna puke," Lance added from the kitchen. Chris walked in with a stupid, blank expression on his face. "Well, there goes all my dinner conversation." Justin Jeffre, who'd walked in with him, let his jaw drop. "You've left Kirkpatrick speechless. Only three more signs to go." Drew rolled his eyes as he walked past with another box. "And what's yours say? `I'm with stupid?'" Justin slapped his knee and then became deadpan serious. "Nope, I gave that one to Lea. Figured she was entitled." "I thought it was 50%," she called from one of the bedrooms. "Why do I keep hearing an Eddie Murphy stand-up routine in my head?" Chris pondered, eyebrow raised in genuine thought. "Um, because your brain has just as much of a chance at generating old HBO specials as an actual thought?" Lance jabbed as he walked out with another box. "What is it, `Pick on Chris Day?'" he shouted. As if in response, Joey and Curly pulled out their day planners. "As a matter of fact," Joey began. "I give up," Chris conceded, throwing his hands up in the air. "Submissive? That's no fun," Kris grinned as she grabbed one of the boxes by where the dining room table once sat. "I did *not* need to hear you say that," Kevin smirked. "And especially to him, " Joey added. Kathy just rolled her eyes and smiled as I lifted Ashley into my arms. "So what's the plan?" she asked. "After the keystone cops here are through, of course." "Well, you and this guy are flying out, right?" I asked, motioning to her son. She nodded. "That's just too long of a drive to be trapped in a rental truck with a child. Even he would get cranky." "How do you think we feel?" Joey asked, pointing at Chris from behind him. "Stop pointing, you ass!" "Damned leprechaun senses." Lance walked past again, only to deadpan, "Gnome, remember? As in garden variety." "Screw each and every one of you," Chris said flatly. Kathy barely glanced over her shoulder. "Even I have standards, low they may be." "I feel I should be insulted," Curly chuckled. "I'll make it up to you later," she purred, leaning over to kiss him. "Not in front of the infant!" Chris yelled, running towards me and Ashley, only to stop a few moments away and cover Curly's eyes. "Grow up," was the response. "Oh, wait. You can't. Shouldn't you be showing someone how to spin straw into gold or something." "Nah, my magic is working here." Lance nodded in agreement, "Pink hearts, ...." "Orange stars, ...," Joey continued. "Shut up!" Chris shouted, trying to be more offended than amused. "In answer to your question," Nick chimed in, "Drew and I are taking one of the U-Hauls, and Jess and Lea are heading up to Mom and Dad's until we get you settled in. They're gonna drop Kris off along the way." "I'm flying home in a few hours," Jeff added. "And I'm a few hours behind that," Justin Jeffre continued. Lance stopped to wipe his brow for a second. "I'm staying in Mississippi at the moment, so I'll stick around to get them to the airport before I head out." "What about you?" I asked Kevin. "Joey and I both have shows we need to get back to, so he and I are gonna take my car and head back to New York. We're gonna follow the girls as far as we can, but I need to be back for the matinee Sunday." I was about to ask Chris, but he answered the unspoken question. "Riding back with Lansten here, then I'm Florida bound. My wheels are currently parked in front of that homage to Dr. Seuss he calls a house." "Guess that leaves you and me, huh?" I asked Curly. "Don't sound so enthused," he laughed. Solemnly, he continued, "Where's Tony?" "Col took him back on her way back to school," Caitlin answered as she came out with presumably the last box from their room. She stopped long enough to hug Kathy and kiss Curly's cheek. Pausing at Kevin, "Can I catch a ride with you guys? I need to get back to school myself." He shrugged, looking to Joey, who nodded. "Sure." "Guess that settles it," Drew said. Looking around the house, I didn't realize that it was now completely barren. I guess it was settled at that. I nodded, and we all silently started along our separate ways. It had taken a few minutes to shut and lock the doors. I wondered if I was making a mistake, but I somehow knew I wasn't. Matt had died a few months ago, and I think Kathy and I both thought we'd take our time coming to grips with our decision. Somehow, Justin had managed to get her a job and immediately have her on a paid bereavement leave. To Johnny's credit, he never pushed any of us that I was aware of. The only calls I got were him were to say how sorry he was and ask if he could do something for me. People came and went. Truly, they made sure that I was never alone. I had not been alone, save the bathroom, since the funeral. Tony bounced in and out about every two weeks. Joey and the others were down about every three. Nick and Drew were in Memphis about three days out of every week. If I didn't know how I was handling things, I certainly didn't know how they were. Justin was the one constant through all of it. He had Johnny send the crew from Los Angeles here to finish up his album. There were still a few songs he insisted I produce for him, but beyond that, he was done. He'd done all that while making sure I never missed a meal and sharing a bed with me whenever it wasn't otherwise occupied by someone I was related to by either blood or marriage. Tyler and Heather had stayed through pretty much the entire first month, but they had things to get back to. I could hardly blame them for that. The rest of us had reached the point in our careers where we had a lot of flexibility, but even that had its limits. I was never quite sure whether Matt's death happened at a lull in everyone's otherwise busy lives, or if the lull had happened because of it. I suspected it was some mixture of both. Mom and Dad were devastated. They didn't know what to do for or say to me any more. I'm not sure there was anything, truth be told. Mom held me while I cried a lot in the beginning, and Dad's best effort was an offer to buy the house "in case I changed my mind." I still wasn't positive he hadn't bought the house. I just didn't care any more. The girls were the most normal of any of us. They cried, they cursed God's name, they laughed, they remembered the good times, and just seemed to go through periods where it was easier than others. I was fairly certain that would be better for all of us. For me to feel that way, the stunned sensation needed to pass and actually let me feel something. For the most part, I thought I was coping about as well as could be expected. I just knew it wasn't all that well. I'd get through it, but I wasn't sure how much of the man Matt married was left behind and how much he had taken with him. Time was the only thing that was going to answer those questions. "You gonna speak?" "Huh?" I asked, turning my attentions from the window and to Justin, who I barely realized had asked a question. "You haven't spoken since before Oklahoma City." "Where are we now?" I asked surprised. The whole day had passed without my noticing. "Arizona," he said simply. I nodded in acknowledgment. As I did, I noticed an upcoming exit sign and smiled. Something I hadn't genuinely done in a while. "Where's the cell phone?" I asked. "In the console," he answered, confused. "Why?" I quickly dialed the number to Nick's cell, and he picked up almost instantly. Drew must still have been driving. "Are you okay?" he asked. I didn't even answer. I just started singing. "Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, and such a fine sight to see." Perplexed, Justin saw the sign and laughed. "It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me." Figuring it out just in time, Nick and Drew came in on chorus. It was the closest thing to normalcy I'd had in a long time. And it felt damn good. I was in much better spirits about the time we hit the state line. Justin was exhausted, and despite his protests, I wasn't about to let us drive off some mountainside and be killed because he was trying to spare me from a turn behind the wheel. He hopped out and went in for coffee while I filled the tank. There was a younger guy on a motorcycle there. He seemed to be staring at me when he pulled off his helmet. He was cute, and there was something familiar about him, but I got a chill when I saw him and realized he was the same guy I saw at gas stations in Memphis, Little Rock, Oklahoma City, and a few others. A hand on my shoulder nearly made me jump out of my skin. "You noticed too, huh?" I finally breathed again. "Yes, Drew, I did. Just now, actually." "I noticed at the last stop. Wanted to be sure I wasn't imagining things." Justin walked back about that time and surmised our conversation. "You weren't. I caught it, too." Nick seemed on the verge of sheer rage. "I think we should have a talk with him." I grasped his shoulder, and he relaxed instantly. "I think we have a bit of driving ahead of us, and I don't think us spending it in the local police station explaining is going to get us there any faster. If he wants to follow us all the way, let him. We'll figure it out there." Nick wasn't happy. None of them were, but they nodded and went along with it. Now if I could just figure out why I didn't let Nick go hit him, I'd feel more sure of my decision. The guy was cute, but that was hardly a reason to let some guy stalk you across four or five states. Something was off. That much was sure. Even with the time we'd made, it was the wee hours of the next morning when we made it to the house. Noting the rental car in the driveway, I tried to be quiet as to not wake up Kathy or Ashley. When I opened the door, Kathy was sitting on the couch reading a book with Ashley's head in her lap, fast asleep. "How was the trip?" she asked. "Long," I answered truthfully. As if in agreement, Justin plopped down beside her and laid his head on her shoulder. "That bad?" she chuckled. "1800 miles," Justin murmured, only half-awake. "You've done worse," she reminded. "I've seen some of the tours, remember?" Setting my keys on the table, smiling at some of the habits I'd picked up, I came to his defense. "In fairness, usually someone else does the driving, and in this case, he did about 80 percent of it because my head was in the clouds." "Poor baby," she cooed, leaning over to kiss him. He didn't move. He was fast asleep. Smiling, I turned behind me. "Nick, would you mind...." "Got him," Nick smiled. He walked over hoisted Justin into his arms. No response whatsoever. I just shook my head and smiled. "Put him in my room, Nicky. Kathy, why don't you take Ashley up there, too?" She nodded. "Will do. There's cold pizza in the oven, ready to warm up, and some Cokes in the fridge." "Thanks, hon." "No caffeine for me," Drew moaned. "I just want a bed." I just laughed and shook my head. "There's three other bedrooms here. Pick one." "Where are you going to sleep?" he asked. "Down here, probably, but it'll be a while. I'm not all that tired," I answered. His face twisted in concern. "You want me to stay with you?" I half-smiled and told him no. "I'll be fine. You're exhausted." Acquiescing, he started up the stairs. He paused and shot back, "If you need something, ...." "I'll call," I finished. Once he was out of my line of vision, I collapsed in front of the television. I scanned through the channels with the remote, but I found nothing I was interested in. Hardly a big surprise. I was somewhat startled by the sound behind me. Nick was in the floor behind me, shuffling a deck of cards. "Want to play?" he asked. Recognizing his efforts for what I were, I just nodded. "Gin rummy okay?" he asked. "You know full well that Matt taught me how to play that," I smiled. He nodded with a smile. "Yup. And I'm guessing spades, hearts, canasta, and a few other games to boot." "Yeah." "Playing cards was Grandpa Nick's favorite past-time. We spent more time at that rickety card table at his house than any of us would have cared to admit." He started to deal the cards. "So is there where I tell you something?" He shook his head. "Only if you want to. One of the best parts about this is you don't have to talk or think about anything. Just thought it'd be a good chance for your head to unwind and for me to spend some time with you." I crawled over and kissed his cheek before standing. "I'm getting a drink. You want one?" "Sure." I grabbed some ice from the freezer and fixed a couple of glasses. For the briefest second, I thought I saw somebody outside the house. Looking again, I was sure I was just paranoid from the drive. I returned to the living room and Nick. "You sure you don't mind being away from the missus?" I asked him as I sat cross-legged across from him. "Of course I do," he smiled, "but I'd be a pretty shitty cousin if I let that stop me from being here." Emotionally on edge as I had been, I was ready to cry at that, but I managed to hide it pretty well. "You're anything but, Nicky." He smiled for a second, but then his face went straight. "What is it?" I asked him. "Did you decorate this place? What the hell were you thinking?" "You ass," I smiled. "Can't have it," he smiled. "It's already spoken for." I just rolled my eyes. "Play already, funny-man." "It's your go, funny-boy." I just shook my head again. "What did I do to earn this torture?" "You married into it. I at least had sympathy for Matt. He got no choice in the matter," he smiled. "I don't think I knew what I was agreeing to. I want to renegotiate the contract," I laughed. "Nope, we've all done that one already. You're stuck with me." "I guess I could think of worse things," I admitted with a grin. "Of course, it may take me a while." He laid his hand down in front of him. "Gin, and I've got all night." "JC?" I heard someone ask quietly. Groggily, I opened one eye. Nick and I had fallen asleep in the floor in front of the couch. Looking up, I saw Jeff standing over me. I glanced out the window and saw that it was daylight, but barely. "Jeff?" I croaked. "What are you doing here so early?" "I told you I'd come help move furniture," he smiled. "What time is it?" I yawned. "Early," he answered. "Alyssa has a cold, so she climbed into bed with us a few hours ago. Cold feet and noisy breathing make for a bad shared bed experience, and having a sick child in there with her didn't help at all." I laughed. "If she's sick, I certainly don't expect you to stick around here." "Don't be silly. It's just a cold." "If you're sure," I told him, stretching. "I am, and I'm sorry to wake you. But I need the keys to the rental truck so I can start unloading stuff." I got up and popped my back. "I was married to Matt for years. Take a wild guess." "Table?" he grinned. "Yeah. And you don't have to try to move everything yourself. If I wanted someone to play Superman, I'd have called Joe." He nodded and followed me to the driveway. While I climbed onto the bumper and hoisted the loading door, Jeff pulled out the ramp. "By the way," he began, "how come you didn't have someone move this stuff for you?" I shrugged. "How I grew up, I guess. I always thought moving was fun. Don't really know why, exactly. We didn't do it much when I was a kid." Grabbing one end of one of the larger boxes, he motioned for me to do the same. "We did it a lot when I was younger," he told me. "Not much after I started school." Looking behind me, I planted my foot securely before stepping blindly. "You did about the time you and Nick got the idea for the group, didn't you?" "Yeah," he laughed. "Struggling model/singers don't exactly bring down enough bucks to maintain a steady address in L.A." I nodded solemnly. "Actor/singers don't either." "That's right. I'd almost forgotten you came out here after the Mouse went off the air. You don't talk about it much." "Never would be a more apt description," I told him as we placed the box on the floor just inside the house. "A reason for that?" he asked. "Lots," I told him, walking back outside. "None you want to share, I'm guessing." "Not particularly," I told him honestly. "I hope you don't mind." He shook his head. "You'll talk to someone if you need to." "I have. Inner demons, issues, and all," I answered, grabbing one of the smaller boxes and walking past him again. "Sounds bad," he commented, concerned, grabbing a box of his own. "Not good," I affirmed. "Let's leave it at that." As we set the boxes down, he placed a hand on my arm. "I hope you still have someone to talk to. Whatever happened, it sounds unresolved." Walking past him again, I inhaled sharply. "Tony lends me an ear when I need it. He was around for most of it. If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it." "Talk about what?" Nick asked from the door, barely awake and scratching his stomach. "Asking him about some stuff when he was on that television show that spun off of the Mickey Mouse Club," Jeff quickly covered. "Guess the sensitive artist is sensitive about some of Wipeout's finer moments." I smiled in gratitude. "I have never claimed to be an actor," I laughed. "Okay, I did, but then I actually saw some of my earlier work." Nick grabbed a box and shook his head. "It wasn't that bad." "Yes, it was," came a feminine voice from the door. Kathy had apparently been up long enough to get cleaned up. She was wearing some sweats and tennis shoes, but her blond hair clung in strands to her head. "Give him some credit." "Bitch," I laughed. "He's upstairs asleep actually," she grinned. "Unless you want me to wake him." I shook my head. "Let him sleep. I wasn't exactly pulling my weight yesterday, so he's more beat than the rest of us." "Okay," she said, grabbing the keys out of her purse. "I'm going to take Ashley over to Melinda's. She said she'd watch him for me. He does a pretty good job of entertaining himself, but this might be a bit of a stretch." I nodded in agreement. "You're probably right. Where is he anyway?" "Right here," Drew answered, the sleeping child in his arms. "Still asleep," she smiled, "as you can see. I passed Drew in the hallway and asked him to watch him while I grabbed a shower." Smiling, I set down the box I was carrying. I walked over and took the boy in my arms. He clung his arms tightly around me in faint recognition, and I placed him in the car and fastened the seatbelt across him. "Can you stop by Starbucks on the way back?" I asked her. "We're doing okay now, but I figure the steam will be running out fairly quickly after the drive we had." "Sure," she answered, pulling her hair back into a ponytail and fastening that way. "You want some bagels or muffins from there, or do you want me to stop for doughnuts?" "Doesn't matter to me," I answered. Looking back at the other guys, they shook their heads in agreement. "Whatever's fine." "Okay, be back later," she told me, climbing into the driver's seat. As she pulled into the street, I returned to my box and made my way inside once more. After a couple of hours, we stopped for an extended break. We were all beat, but to our credit, we were about three-quarters done. I was surprised that Kathy hadn't made it back yet, but I remembered Melinda lived off of one of the interstates. If it was the 5 or the 405, rush hour started at dawn and ended well after dusk. It would be a while. I grabbed a piece of cold pizza and picked at some of the toppings. I thanked Jeff for all the help and told him to go home and get some rest. Alyssa should be up by now, so he should be able to climb into bed. Drew collapsed on one of the moving blankets and fell asleep almost instantly. Nick was rummaging through the fridge for something to drink. "Thanks," I told him. He started to ask "For what?" but he thought better of it. He just smiled and nodded. "Anytime." "When are you and Drew heading out?" I asked him. "Trying to get rid of us already?" he grinned. "You know that's not the case," I reminded him, "otherwise you two bozos wouldn't have a key." "Oh, yeah," he laughed. "In the morning. I called for one of the shuttles to pick us up about a quarter till seven." "I would have taken you," I assured him. "I know, and so would Jeff or Kathy, but I didn't see a need for someone to deal with traffic around LAX when we could get dropped off at the doorstep." "Okay," I agreed. "I really didn't want to get up that early anyway." He smiled back. "I know. You're no morning person." "Never have been," I smiled, grabbing his glass and taking a drink. "I'm gonna go check on Justin." He nodded. "I'm going to go collapse on your couch." "You do that," I called, climbing the stairs. When I got to the bedroom, Justin was still fast asleep. He was laying on his stomach, and his shirt had ridden up on his back. His face was half-buried in the pillow, and his nose was scrunched up to the point that he was making funny noises. I was amazed anyone got any sleep last night. I sat down beside him and rested my back against the headboard. I rubbed his back and smiled. I really needed to get my life together so he--and everyone--could get back to theirs. His eyes fluttered open. "Hey," he groaned. "Hey, yourself, sleepyhead." "Not often you get to say that to someone else, is it?" he smiled. "Nope," I grinned. "Sorry," he apologized, pushing up from the pillow and trying to get his bearings. "Guess I was more tired than I thought." "You're entitled," I reminded him. "Do I need to get up and get moving?" he asked, sitting up. "And I mean that literally," he smiled. I shook my head. "We're almost done, actually. We're taking a break. Everyone's beat, not just you." "Everyone else downstairs?" "Nick and Drew are. Kathy took Ashley over to Mel's, and she was gonna stop for coffee and breakfast after." He squinted at the clock. "Stuck in traffic?" "That'd be my guess," I nodded. "We used to think Orlando was bad. What were we thinking when we moved out here?" "I plead the Fifth," he laughed. "The reason I did it is still one of your neighbors." I laughed. "True enough, but you bought a house even after you two split." He nodded. "Wanted to be close by." "Aww, how sweet," I teased. "Shut up," he grinned, pushing my shoulder. "The girlfriends come and go. I need someone to set me straight." "And you picked me?" I asked incredulously. "Boy, are your wires crossed." "You know what I mean, asshole." "I do," I grinned. Pausing for just a second, I continued. "I hear a car, maybe Kathy finally." We both stood and walked over to the window. Kathy's car pulled through the gate, and someone stepped through behind it. At first, I thought it was my friend from the gas stations, but it wasn't. This was a figure I clearly recognized. "Son of a bitch," I gritted, clenching my hands into fists. "This time, I *will* kill him." TO BE CONTINUED Feedback and criticisms are welcome at: camillusdelellis@yahoo.com The song "Hanging on for Dear Life" was written by Jon Lind and Brock Walsh.