Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 05:06:57 GMT
From: Christopher Taylor <joshtay31@hotmail.com>
Subject: Separate Lives IV

"What's past is prologue..."

Well, it's been a long while, but I'm back.  Toldya I wouldn't leave
you hanging.  I've come to a crossroads of sorts in my life.  Things
are changing very quickly.  A friend of mine, very close, died last
week and I've been having some family troubles too.  That's why it took
so long.  Things are looking up, though, and I'm getting through this
as best as I can.

Again, thanks to everyone for the wonderful, confidence boosting
comments.  It helps more than you know!  You meet some great people
doing stuff like this.  I'm going to single out three people, just
because they're such good friends.  Shannon (forgive me for being so
bold :), I also thank you for the conversation and for helping me see
that maybe it wasn't my fault after all.  Tay, I think I'd have lost my
mind without you here.  I'm starting to think there's a reason we met
like we did, and I'm glad.  Terry, my friend, thank you for being there
to listen when I needed you.  You're a very true friend.

What else?  Oh, yeah, that disclaimer stuff again.  *sigh*  If you're
not eighteen or are offended by this kind of stuff...well, just don't
read, okay?  Why'd you come in the first place?

Uhm, I am in no way intending to imply anything about the sexualities of
the characters herein.

[The gallery, advancing with blunt instruments]: Chris, if you don't
get on with it, you're going to be in a world of hurt!

[Chris, sighing resignedly]: Sorry.  Here...

*************

Separate Lives
Part IV
By Chris

*A quick trip to now*

We've been walking for only about twenty minutes.  There's still a
pretty long way to go back to the house.  We'd decided to walk down to
the beach because we'd had the whole day to ourselves.  Walking meant
we got to spend even more time together.

I smile and stretch a little.  We're ambling, really, not in any
particular hurry.  It's a warm, clear evening, with only the faintest
hint of a breeze ruffling my hair.  There aren't many people out
tonight, which is good.  The few that we see just smile and nod.  We
smile right back.

It's pretty easy to get lost in thought out here.  I know Brian's a
mile away.  His eyes are thoughtful, introspective.  I wonder if he's
thinking about Jeremiah.  I start to remember and once again become
lost in thought...

*Now to the past*

I decided not to call Alex right away when I got back to Casper two
days later.  I guess I wanted to surprise him, so when I finally got
off the plane, grumpy and rumpled, I called a cab instead.  I was in
town for ten days, and then I was going to meet the guys back in
Orlando for the video shoot.  And perhaps more.

As I rode in the cab, possibilities and choices plagued me.  I could
easily justify leaving Casper.  I mean, after that pleasant experience
in Europe, I wouldn't be unhappy being a permanent member of the band.
The nicest thing about being there was that I spent time with the guys,
but not too much.  I'd half feared that I'd end up spending all my off
time with them, but it didn't happen like that.

What was there to come back to?  Casper was a nice enough town, I
guess, but not really one I wanted to spend the rest of my life in.
People seemed more guarded there, as if there was something they were
hiding.  They looked at you oddly if you were out walking, as if
wondering if you would find out their secret.  Not all of them were
like that, but quite a few were.  It was pretty easy to tell newcomers
from natives.

It was a barren place, right at the foothills of a bland little
mountain range.  In the summer, it was brown.  In the winter it was
white.  Ho hum.  So why I was so reluctant to leave?  I hadn't made
many friends other than Alex.  Would they let me bring Max along?  If
so, I guess that sealed it.  I guess I'd just been hasty before.

I hadn't noticed that we'd pulled up to my house until I heard the cab
driver-Nick-say, "We're here.  Be ten bucks."

"Oh," I said quietly.  "Thanks."  Digging into my back pocket, I fished
out my wallet and gave him fifteen.  Kind of an expensive ride, I
mused.  But it was worth it.  I went around back to get my bags and
went into my house.

It was strangely quiet inside and it felt odd to be back.  I looked
around the subdued interior quickly before dropping my bags on the
floor.  The house smelled slightly musty, like it needed to be aired
out, so I pushed open the front windows and let the mild summer sun
shine in.  The light pooled on my gray carpet like a square spotlight.
Spotlight.  God, I needed a vacation.

Alex had been kind enough to bring in the mail for me.  It was sorted
neatly on the table: magazines, junk mail, letters, etc.  No bills.
I'd instructed him to go ahead and pay those for me.  I left a bunch of
checks made out to all the companies, and told him to just fill out the
amount.  No worries.

I sighed and dragged my bags back into my room, two by two.  I was
exhausted suddenly.  Memories of the trip washed over me in a sea of
mixed emotions.  I was still hurting over Brian.  Much as I wished I
was over that, I be fooling myself to say I was.  It was over.  Turn
the page.  I'd watched from a distance.  On the trip, he and I had
fallen into a half-hearted friendship.  But more often than not, we
just avoided each other.  He spent most of his time with Jeremiah.  It
was like I took his place with AJ, Nick, Kevin, and Howie.  I spent
more time with them than Brian did.

Things had seemed a little tense between all of them, well, between the
four of them and Brian.  He was very defiant when it came to his
relationship with Jeremiah.  That's what gave me the idea that they
were really serious.  I got the impression that Brian didn't usually
stand up for a lot of things.  He didn't usually need to, but if he was
willing to stand up to the four people who knew him better than anyone
else, that meant he was probably pretty serious about keeping Jer
around.

I didn't bother to unpack, just put my stuff down and threw myself down
on the bed.  It was one in the afternoon.  Nice thing about flying west
to east; when you get back west, not that much time has passed, if the
flight's short.  Mine had been relatively short, and it was pretty much
a straight shot.  I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew, it was
approaching dusk.

I'd slept soundly on my own bed in my own home for the first time in a
long time.  When I woke up, a glance at the clock showed it was seven
thirty-five.  I felt pretty good as I stretched and went into the
bathroom.  After a quick shower and shave, I left the house and walked
over to Alex's place.

He answered right after my first knock, grinning brightly.  "Well,
well, if it isn't the sixth Backstreet Boy.  Looks like I was right,
after all.  Come on in, Josh."

I walked in and up the stairs, still impressed by the beautiful
decoration of the house.  Suddenly, a blur of fur came at me and I
found myself being thoroughly licked in the face by an eager puppy
tongue.  I ruffed up Max's fur before pushing him off me.  "Howdy,
Max."  He pushed his muzzle under my hand and I bent down to give him a
scratch and a hug.  There is nothing in the world like coming home to
someone who genuinely missed you.  God, what a dog.

Alex flopped down on the couch.  He was dressed pretty casually in
khaki shorts and a blue T-shirt with a ragged collar.  He'd dyed his
hair bleach blond, I observed.  It actually looked pretty good.  As I
took a seat on the loveseat, I said, "Like the dye job."

He ran his fingers through his hair, slightly self-conscious.  "Thanks.
I decided to try a new look."

"It suits you," I commented.  "Mm, can't say as it's good to be back,
considering where I was, but it's good to see you."

Alex eyed me slyly.  "Same here."  He was just dying to ask me all
kinds of questions.  "So...how long you staying?"

That was a good question.  "Ten days, I guess."

He just couldn't resist.  "So...you really did go to Europe with the
Backstreet Boys, didn't you?  I mean, you are the Josh Taylor who they
mentioned on MTV, right?"

I hadn't been aware they mentioned my name on MTV, but if it was in
connection with the Boys...  "That'd be me," I affirmed.  "After that
accident, they had to get right back to where they left.  Since I've
known them for eight or nine months, and I helped them write a couple
of songs, they asked me to fill in.  I went to Europe with a temporary
band."

There was a kind of respect in Alex's dark brown eyes.  "That is so
cool.  What are they like?"

"They're relatively normal.  We're pretty good friends, and they're all
great guys.  You know, even though I've known them for only a while,
they still treat me like we've been friends for years."

"And Brian?  He was the one you were talking about, right?"

A small stab of...anger, jealousy, something lanced my heart right then,
but I managed a wan smile.  "Yeah, but things didn't exactly go
according to plan.  You know the expression, 'while the cat's away.'
He found someone else."

To his credit, Alex didn't ooze sympathy all over me.  He just grimaced
a little and said, "That's too bad.  You were really looking forward to
it, weren't you?"

"I guess so," I admitted.  "But that's all over now.  We kind of went
our separate ways."

"So does that mean you're not moving?"  He leaned forward just a little
as he asked that.

I shook my head.  "No, actually they've offered to make me a permanent
member of the band, and I think I'm going to take them up on it.  I
mean, there isn't a whole lot going on here now that I've quit
teaching."

"That's got to be pretty decent pay, too," Alex commented.

"Probably more than I was making as a first year teacher.  The wages
are deplorable in this town.  God, I could make more money singing on a
street corner."

Alex chuckled.  "Well, what do you have planned for the time you're
here?"

"Not too much.  I just want to relax a little.  That trip to Europe was
so hectic that the days just kind of blurred together.  Of course, I've
been in town since about one, but the minute I touched down on my bed,
I crashed.  I just woke up."

"Oh.  Well, um, you know, I could use a hand up at the shop a couple of
days this week.  Think you could lend one?"

I glanced down at my two hands.  "Which do you want?  I'm kind of fond
of the left, so I guess it'd have to be the right."  With a smile at
the lame joke, I nodded.  "No problem.  Just tell me when you want me
there, and I can go.  Except tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the day I'm going
to just kind of hang around and be lazy."

Alex smiled softly.  "That's cool, then.  It'll mostly be next week."

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.  "I thought you were
going to get yourself an assistant."

He shook his head.  "I really haven't needed it.  Mostly, I can handle
whatever comes along, but sometimes I just get a bunch of work at once.
That's when I need help.  Fortunately, you're always here when I need
it."

"Ah."

"So, uh, tell me about Europe."

I spent the next half hour talking about the exploits in Europe.  After
that, he told me about what he'd been up to.  Not much, just work and
looking after Lady and Max.  He said he'd made a few friends with a
couple of his clients.  That was always nice.

He glanced at his wall clock around eight.  "So, you want to go catch a
movie tonight?  There are some really good ones playing up at the
mall."

Hmmm...that sounded like a good idea.  I could use the diversion.  "All
right," I agreed.  He hopped up and grabbed the newspaper.  There was a
movie I'd been wanting to see playing at nine fifteen.  "That one looks
good."

"I was thinking the same thing."  Alex went into his room, changed into
nicer blue T-shirt, threw a pair of Nike basketball shoes and put the
dogs out back.  "You eat yet?"

"Nope.  Do we have time to get something?"

"If we eat at the mall, yeah."

"Okay.  Let's jet."

We hopped into his sporty Mustang and he cranked up some old Smashing
Pumpkins.  It was so loud I couldn't hear myself think, but hey, I was
feeling pretty good.  It was about a twenty-minute ride, but with the
windows cranked open and the stereo going, hell, I wouldn't have cared
if the ride had been an hour.

The mall was pretty modern looking, surprisingly.  Apparently, they'd
invested some ten million dollars for a face-lift.  For a mall.  And
they couldn't afford to pay teachers more than a pauper's wage for more
work.  Of course, the point was moot now, but it had been a really
irritating one when I *had* been a teacher.

The parking at the food court in back was pretty choice.  It was
getting close to nine and that's when the mall closed.  When we got
inside, the crowd was very thin.  I saw a couple of my students, waved,
and then went into the pizza joint by the doors.  The pizza was
swimming in grease and the bread was soggy, but it tasted great.  At
one point, I looked up and saw grease running down Alex's chin and
couldn't help reaching over to wipe it off.

The movie was actually pretty good.  It was an action flick that really
was an action flick.  Normally I'm more into the suspense/horror genre,
but this was good.  It took my mind off of things for those precious
two hours and that was worth a lot.  It was nice not to have to really
think much.

When the movie was over, Alex took me home.  I wasn't as wired as I had
been before, but I was tired again.  Before I got a chance to go to
bed, Alex came back over to bring Max back.  After that, Max jumped on
the foot of the bed and I fell right to sleep.  There were no dreams.

The next day I did nothing but sit in my studio and tune all of my
instruments.  And think.  Much as I didn't want to, I thought about
everything: my future, the past, and the present.  I seemed to be doing
a lot of that lately.  There were no sudden revelations, no moments of
divine inspiration.  Just me tying my stomach in knots for no reason.

'Face it, Josh.  It's over.  You had your chance and you blew it.  Just
let it go.  Let *him* go.  He's got Jeremiah.  Jeremiah.  Why in the
world...of all the people in all of the places I've been, why, oh why did
it have to be him?  I *hated* him.'  I grinned without humor and looked
up.  'You trying to tell me something, Chief?  Like maybe it wasn't
supposed to happen, anyway?'  Was I really expecting an answer from
God?  I think I was.  But, getting none, I returned to my playing.

There was something soothing, this time, about the soft strands of
music that emanated from the keys of the piano.  I didn't play anything
in particular; just let my fingers do the walking as they always had.
This sounded peaceful, like a bedtime melody, and it calmed my nerves.
By the end of the day, I'd finally and fully come to grips with the
idea that Brian was gone and I wouldn't get him back.  Surprisingly,
the feeling I got was not of loss, but of relief.

The following two days, Friday and Saturday, I spent mostly in Alex's
company.  We picked up right where we left off, in an easy, almost
carefree way.  Jokes seemed funnier than they had in a while; I was
able to joke more easily than I had been with the guys in Europe.  Of
course, there was no pressure to perform.  I wasn't worrying about
anything at all.

We had lunch both days in the store: pizza the first day and Chinese
the next.  It was fabulously unhealthy, but, being as the two of us
were health conscious, we ran in the evenings with the dogs.  Saturday,
we went to a little party that one of Alex's friends was throwing.  It
was crowded, smoky, noisy, and not at all fun.  We both regretted
going.

Sunday, I had all to myself.  I puttered around the house, checking and
returning e-mail, writing, working on new music, and packing a few
things but it was pretty half-hearted.  I had plenty of time to pack
this week, and I'd do it then.

I was at the shop all week with Alex.  We had a lot of business, which
was good.  I made a few sales and then went back to give him a hand
when things got slow.  I loved the relaxed atmosphere of the shop.  It
wasn't like a stuffy office or restricted like teaching.  I spent a
good deal of time reading a new book and shooting the breeze with Alex
and the occasional passerby.

Evenings I mostly spent running and with Max.  He was getting to be
such a beautiful dog.  He looked like a full-grown Shepherd now, with
the true coloring.  All he lacked was the bulk.  He was tall, standing
about waist high to me.  Like Sheps, he was a fiercely loyal animal and
territorial.  He had a deep, authoritative bark.  But in reality, he
was sweet, good-natured, and fun.  It took a lot to get him riled up.
He was friendly to everyone, except when it looked like someone was
threatening me.  If that happened, he growled deeply in his throat and
protected me.  That's why I loved him.

I finally did get around to packing some of my stuff, but not a lot.  I
decided that if I was going through with this for real, I would take a
week after everything had been finalized and get my stuff then.  There
was no real hurry, anyway.  I mean, I was leaving for Orlando Saturday
evening and I wasn't planning to stay for more than a week.  I didn't
need a whole lot for that trip.

Friday, the day before I was supposed to leave, was a very interesting
day.  A very interesting day indeed.

It started when Alex came to pick me up at eight-thirty that morning.
He seemed more chipper than usual, all smiles and jokes from the moment
I got into his Mustang.  His mood, as always, was infectious and lifted
my spirits.  By the time we got to the shop, I was as hyper and happy
as he was.  He was the kind of guy who, with just a smile, could
brighten up almost anyone's day.  I was pretty lucky to have a friend
like him.

I studied his profile out of the corner of my eye: he possessed a
combination of strength and elegance.  Elegant, chiseled features: a
straight, nicely shaped nose, firm, strong chin and jaw line, supple
mouth, an easy, unassuming smile.  Intelligent, direct, and sensitive
eyes.  Yep, definitely the kind of guy you'd want to take home to
mother.  Don't get the wrong idea.  I liked the guy a lot, but I didn't
have any kind of interest in being more than his friend.  At least...I
didn't think so...

Not much happened around the shop that day, but that was okay.  We made
our own entertainment while he was putting the finishing touches on the
one computer he had left to fix.  He started singing.  If he had a
failing, that was it.  He couldn't carry a tune in a paper bag and he
knew it.  He had me rolling around laughing and covering my ears at the
same time.  It was *that* bad.

It was just before the store closed.  I was ranting about something,
but smiling when I did it.  I was still feeling really good, and I
wasn't ranting about anything serious.  A person had come into the
store and had said something that had struck me as incredibly shallow.
After that person had left, I started going off about it.

Alex knew I wasn't really that serious about it, and sat on the counter
smiling and laughing.  His next action, however, caught me so
completely off guard that I forgot everything.  He jumped off the
counter and came to stand right in front of me.  And then, he kissed
me.  Just like that.

At first, I was startled that all I could do was just stand there,
unable to move, unable to think, unable to breathe.  But after a
moment, Alex stepped back, looking slightly uncertain.  I stayed in
place, flushed, out of breath, heart beating a little too hard.

"A-Alex," I stammered, "w-why'd you...uhm...wh-why?"

Obviously that wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting, but by his
eyes, it was far better than me turning to walk out.  His cheeks
colored and he looked at his shoes.  "I, uh, that is...I'm sorry.  I
just...look, there's something I've been meaning to tell you ever since
you got back.  I know...you're leaving, but I just...I-I wanted to tell you
before you left."

Oh God.  Why me?  I knew exactly what was coming.  My mind had unfrozen
and I took a step back.  "What?" I asked anyway, voice sounding
suddenly small.

He didn't look up.  "Well, I-I like you an awful lot, Josh.  I think...I
think it might be more than that."

I did turn away then, mostly because I felt sick, like someone had
punched me in the gut.  'Take it back,' my mind screamed at him.  'Tell
me it was a joke.  Don't make things so complicated, Alex.  I cant'
handle this again.'  I started to walk away, but then stopped.  No,
dammit, not again.

Turning back to Alex, I saw him watching me carefully, eyes full
of...hope, of fear.  I sighed.  "I, um, don't know what to say," I said.
"I mean, I like you as a friend, Alex, but I don't...I don't know if it's
more than that."

His face fell.  "I see," he mumbled.  "So...so you're saying there's no
chance?"

Echoes of a previous conversation in another time and another place
played softly in the back of my mind...oh God.  "Yes...well, no.  Hell, I
don't know."  Once again, I had that all-too-familiar sensation of
being torn between what was and what could be.  "Why did you have to
bring this up now of all times?  Why can't you just let me go?"  That
last I had asked more to my memories than to Alex.

Puzzled brown eyes met with my own tired blue ones.  "What do you mean?
I just...I just wanted to tell you how I felt.  I didn't think it'd be a
big deal."

"What do you expect me to do?" I asked flatly.  "Do you want me to
stay?  Is that it?"  Flashes of another place.  A time too close to
forget, but so long ago.  It still hurt.

Understanding and embarrassment crossed his face.  "Oh.  Oh, no, no.
That's not what I wanted at all," he said.  "I just...I'm sorry.  I
didn't mean to make it sound like that.  I guess I just wanted to tell
you that I'm going to miss you.  I've really liked having you as a
friend, and I just wish there could have been more."

Relief caused my chest to loosen and, I smiled shakily.  "You couldn't
have just said 'I'm going to miss you?'  I mean...I thought you were
going to make me choose."

He smiled back with a little hesitation.  "I wouldn't ask you to
choose," he said.  "I know what you want to do, and I want you to do it
and be happy.  That's all."

'Then why did you have to put it like that, you ass?' I thought with a
little affectionate spite.  I managed a quiet, "Thank you."

Waving that aside, he cleared his throat.  "Can I say something else?
I don't want to upset you or anything, but I just wanted to tell you
one more thing before you left."

I shrugged.  "Ah, what the hell.  Go for it."

"If things don't work out wherever you go, which I'm sure they'll be
wonderful, you know I'll be here."

The hurt and frustration I'd felt a few moments ago completely
dissolved at the sappy sentiment.  I almost wanted to cry.  I didn't.
"Thank you.  I've never had a friend quite like you, you know.  And
anyway, I'll be back before too long.  I'll keep in touch."

"Good, good."  He nodded, and that was the end of that awkward moment.
"So, you're going to let me take you out to dinner again, right?  Maybe
a movie?"

I shrugged.  "Sure.  It may be the last time.  I don't know how long
I'm going to be here when I get back."

"Well, I'll help you pack and stuff, too."

"Okay, if you want."

"I do."

That ended that conversation, and in fact, ended most of the
conversation until the store closed.  That was probably better.  I
chose not to think about anything, but instead concentrated on cleaning
up the front of the store a little.  Alex was in the back room, humming
loudly.  That was also probably better.

Dinner was pleasant, not at all quiet, full of laughter and actually
pretty fun.  Afterwards, we opted to skip the movie.  I was kind of
tired and I had an early flight out, so I needed to get back and finish
putting the final touches on my packing.  Alex once again volunteered
to help, which, while nice, was a little annoying, but I agreed to let
him help.

Before packing, I flipped on the TV to see if there were any good
movies on.  It was a choice between 'The Mask' and 'The Mask of Zorro.'
How ironic was that?  I opted for 'The Mask.'  The movie was an old
favorite and soon, both of us were into it.  I didn't actually finish
packing until about midnight, after I'd ushered Alex out and assured
him that I'd be okay.  The only other thing I'd need from him would be
a ride in the morning.

The flight took off without a hitch and on time for once.  After a
brief and to-the-point farewell to Alex, I was on my way.  There was a
two-hour delay in Denver because of some inclimate weather.  It had
started raining just after the puddle jumper from Casper had touched
down.  I waited with as much patience as was possible, but it got old
in a hurry.

Finally, the plane boarded and we were off again.  I got to Orlando
over two hours late, but had been able to call Kevin from the plane.
Marvelous inventions, those phones.  Kevin said he'd be busy then, but
he'd get AJ and Nick to get me.  In fact, I'd be staying with AJ.  I'd
just needed to check in with Kevin so he knew I was back.  And he
needed my decision.

I hesitated just a few moments before saying, "Yeah, I'll take the job.
You can go ahead and tell your management that I changed my mind."

The relief was evident in his voice on the other end of the line.
"That's great, Josh.  Glad to hear it."

"Yeah," I agreed without enthusiasm.  "Great."

"You okay?"

"Yep.  That's...that's my decision.  I'll talk to you when I get there."
When I hung up, I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes.  This was it.
There was no turning back now.  But, hey, what else did I have to do?

True to Kevin's word, AJ and Nick were at the airport, carefully
dressed to avoid detection.  Nick's hair was all tucked up under his
cap and he had on large black shades, big, baggy blue clothes, and
walked with a kind of stooped position that kept his face turned toward
the ground.  AJ was dressed similarly, and he was also keeping his eyes
toward the ground.  None of the people walking around paid them any
mind.  They looked about as normal as everyone else.

I saw them before they saw me, so I hauled myself and my bags over to
them.  "Hey, guys," I murmured.  They looked up and smiled.

"Hi," Nick said.  "How's it going?"

"Fine," I answered.  "You?"

"Good," he said.  "Heard you're going to be sticking around for a
while."

I nodded.  "Yeah, I heard the same thing."

AJ took one of my bags as we started walking.  "What changed your mind?
Last I heard, you didn't want to go."

"Oh, Kevin and his morality lessons," I sighed.  That's all I wanted to
say about it, but neither one would quite drop it.

"He goaded you into it?" AJ prompted.  We'd gotten outside, away from
most of the people, so he straightened up and turned his cap backward.

"Did it have something to do with Brian and Jeremiah?" Nick asked,
right on the heels of AJ's question.

I answered both at once.  "Something like that."

They exchanged a glance that said everything without them saying a
word.  "Did you want to do it?" AJ asked.

I shrugged.  "What else did I have to do?  I'm not exactly popular with
the Casper school district right now."  I hadn't really told them the
circumstances surrounding my early retirement, and I could see by their
eyes as we got into AJ's car that they wanted to know.

Once we were settled in the car, me in the back, Nick turned to ask,
"So...why did you quit in the first place?  You seemed really committed
to those kids at Christmas time."

It wasn't a question I'd really considered much.  I still felt bad
about what I'd done.  Thinking back, it hadn't been the best thing to
do.  I sighed.  "I...don't know.  The kids didn't really do anything but
be kids, and it wasn't their fault.  It was me.  I just...I don't know
what happened.  At first, I blamed them for it.  But it wasn't their
fault.  I stopped caring."

The two in the front seat seemed to sense what I'd hinted at, but left
out.  "Oh," was all AJ said.  It was all he needed to say.

But Nick went right ahead.  "Brian, right?  When he e-mailed you that
day, you just stopped caring?"  He received a thump on his arm for his
pains.

"Not really," I said.  "That was part of it, but there were other
things too.  I lost interest.  I got tired of fighting with the dick
that ran the school.  A lot of this came about before I even heard from
Brian back in April."  And that much, at least, was true.  It did seem
like a pretty crappy thing to do, though.

AJ and Nick had the good sense to drop it.  "Well, the important thing
is that you're a part of the family now," AJ said.  "It'll be nice to
have you along.  We're taking the temp band for the first two or three
weeks for the tour, by the way.  And Jer is sticking around
permanently."

And why would I care about that?  I didn't ask.  It wasn't that of any
interest to me anymore.  "I see.  I've been working on some new stuff,"
I said, to change the subject.  "I thought maybe in some of our free
time, we could go over them as a group, or something like that."

"Sounds cool," Nick said.  "I'd like to have some input in writing this
time, since I didn't get to last time."

"That was your own fault," AJ told him.  "You wanted to play Josh's
video games, so we let you.  You knew what we were doing."

"You never told me you were writing music."  Nick sounded suspiciously
like he was whining.  Whether in jest or not, however, remained to be
seen.

AJ looked at me in the rearview mirror, and smiled wryly.  "Well, this
time you can join us, whenever we do this.  We'll be sure to find you.
You'll get yours, Nicky.  Just be patient."  He grimaced.  "God, I'm
starting to sound like Kevin."

"Yeah, you are," Nick agreed, as he turned up the music.  Rap.  The one
type of music I didn't like.  I didn't know what it was about it, but
it just...didn't ever seem to appeal to me.  It was too loud to tune out,
but I tried.  After a minute, I gave up and just tried to not think
about it.

Finally we got to AJ's, and the noise stopped.  I breathed a soft sigh
of relief as I stepped out and stretched my back.  I'd only been to
AJ's house once before.  Outside, it looked just like all the houses
around it: white.  Only the trim color differed.  That was a deep
green.

Inside, it was wild with color, bright and strong colors resonated
through the house: deep blues, reds, yellows, greens, and some purples.
It all went together and never clashed.  There were never any mixed
greens and reds or yellows and purples.  But greens and blues were
mixed in the living room: blue walls, green furniture, off-white
carpet.  In other rooms there were similar mixtures.  I liked it.

I threw my things in my room and then went back into the living room.
It was three in the afternoon and I was a little tired, but not
terribly so.  Apparently, there was somewhere we all had to be, so I
just tagged along.  I'd gotten to be good enough friends with these
guys that I didn't feel out of place.

"Where are we going?" I asked, once again in the back seat of the car.

"We have a few things to take care of so you can be one of the band,"
AJ sighed.  "They won't take long.  Jeff just wants to finalize a few
things, get your pay negotiated, and stuff like that.  You'll sign the
contract on the dotted line, after reading it, of course, and then
we'll be on our way."

"Oh," I said.

"Yeah," Nick chimed in.  "It's the business side of things."  He
grinned and starting rapping along with whatever was on the radio.  It
was Eminem, or something like that.  Something about being a role
model, or something like that.  Nick looked like he was having a great
time being a goof.  When we stopped at stoplights, people would look at
him oddly, which was, I suspected, just what he wanted.

I shook my head and smiled to myself.  Good lord, some things never
change.  And that's always comforting.  Nick would grow up, but I think
he'd always have his sense of humor...that crazy, off-the-wall, *Nick*
humor.  He was quick with a joke, had an easy smile, and could always
make me laugh with his antics.

When we got to a set of offices in the middle of the city, I was still
chuckling.  No matter what was on the radio, Nick rapping along,
bouncing in his seat, acting, basically, like a doof.  And even after
the radio had stopped, he was still going.  AJ finally pushed him and
got him to shut up.

We all had more serious expressions on when we walked into the fifth
floor office, but the laughter lurked somewhere just beneath the
surface.  Jeff was all smiles and very accommodating.  He showed me my
contract, made sure I read it, and then answered the few questions I
had.  The pay was more than I'd anticipated, which was a pleasant
surprise.  The insurance benefits were great, also.  I had it made.

Most of my regrets were gone by the time we left the office, about half
an hour later.  I was glad I'd come.  I was getting a chance to do what
I loved for a living.  It wasn't a dream come true, but it was
something close.

After that, we went to see if anyone was around.  Kevin was back from
whatever he'd had to do, and he had a few friends over.  I didn't know
any of them, but Nick and AJ did.  They introduced us all around.

AJ took me by the arm and guided me around.  "This is Pete, Jake, and
Sarah."  He grinned and looked at me wryly.  "We don't always come as a
set, you know."

Feeling a tad mischievous, I raised an eyebrow.  "You don't call this a
set?  You, Nick, and Kevin?  I didn't say all five had to come as a
set."  Just then, the front door popped open and Howie walked in.  I
looked at AJ with a triumphant smile.  "See?  And I imagine before too
long Brian will be here."

"They do come as a set," Sarah, a tall, easy-going brunette said from
behind AJ.  "You're right about that.  You hardly see one without the
others."

My triumphant smile turned into a triumphant grin.  "Checkmate."

AJ nodded to the both of us.  "Touché.  I stand corrected.  Well, I see
you two have met, so I think I'll just go talk to my old set mate.
Where is Kev, anyway?"

"Over with Peter," Sarah answered, nodding in Peter's general
direction.  "They're talking shop."

That was Greek to me, but AJ started chortling as he moved off.  "Um,
shop?" I asked politely.  I knew the expression, but wasn't sure how it
was applicable in the case.

Sarah smiled, revealing straight and white teeth.  "Their music.  With
Kevin, it's always work, work, work.  You know how he is."

No, I didn't really know that at all.  "He doesn't seem that way when
I'm around," I remarked.

She looked at me a little challengingly.  "Yeah, well, you haven't
known him for that long, have you?  I've known him for years.  You've
know him for-what?-a couple of weeks...uh, Josh, was it?"

I wasn't at all insulted by her challenging attitude, although maybe I
should have been.  I just smiled softly and shrugged.  "Longer than
that, I'd say.  And yes, it's Josh.  Josh Taylor.  I, uh, toured with
the guys earlier this summer, and I stayed with Kevin for a couple of
weeks.  I've known them for nine months or so."

Surprise and comprehension flickered rapidly in her eyes.  In the space
of a moment, her expression changed from wary to friendly.  "Oh,
*you're* the Josh these guys talk about so much.  The musician, right?"

"Mm-hmm.  It seems AJ neglected to properly introduce us, but it's nice
to meet you."  I don't know why I was being so formal.  Just a kind of
defense, I guess.

It didn't faze Sarah a bit.  Her liquid brown eyes seemed to smile at
me.  I imagined that a lot of straight men melted under those eyes, but
not me.  "It's nice to meet you, too.  I've been curious to see what
you were like.  I thought you'd be a little...taller."

"Everyone thinks that.  Can't imagine why.  It's not like I'm short or
anything."  I grinned and winked.  "So anyway, yeah, I've known Kevin
for a while, and we don't talk about it that much."

She smiled again, and the chase was on.  Seeing that her eyes hadn't
gotten to me a bit, she turned up the intensity of that smile a
hundredfold.  Wow.  She was a big flirt.  I think any other man would
have been blubbering at her feet.  As it was, even I had to break eye
contact for a moment.

"So," she said, guiding me over to one of the unoccupied couches in the
living room.  "Where are you from?  The guys like to talk about your
music ability, but they don't say much about you."

I threw a look over at Kevin.  He raised his eyebrows, and then hid a
smile behind his hand.  He knew exactly what was going on.  Sarah was
apparently already trying to...to...make a conquest, as it were.  If I
wasn't gay, I don't doubt she'd have already had me in her bed.  Ah,
well, who said I couldn't have a little fun at her expense?

Turning back to her, I gave her my own most charming smile: the one I
don't give often.  "I'm from a few different places," I answered.  "You
know, Arizona, Denver, but lately, I've been living up in Casper,
Wyoming."

She feigned interest well.  "Oh, really?  What's Wyoming like?  Is it
like everyone says?"

I hadn't the slightest clue what "everyone" was currently saying, but
what I'd heard once included the sentence, "He had to get the wool out
of his zipper."  I'll leave the rest to imagination.  "Wyoming is
pretty nice," I said.  "It's wide open, doesn't have too many people,
and there are mountains everywhere.  The place is huge."  Okay, okay, I
was laying it on a little thick.  I hadn't been that fond of the place
when I'd lived there, and I still wasn't that fond of it now that I was
leaving.

"That's nice.  I think I'd like to go there.  I've always *gone down*
country."

Holy cow.  Did she have to make it that obvious?  And she'd said it
loud enough that Kevin, AJ, and the others had heard it.  Kevin started
chuckling and AJ...well...let's just say that AJ found it very amusing, as
well.  I started laughing myself.  "S-Sorry," I stammered, when it
tapered off a little.  "Anyway, I was a teacher for a year and then I
quit.  I'm joining these guys on the road, as you probably already
know."

Her dark eyes darkened even more as she nodded.  "Yeah, I was so sorry
to hear what happened.  I knew Tommy and Billy pretty well.  They were
great guys.  You can tell these guys miss them.  But I guess life goes
on, huh?"

"Mm-hmm."  Life goes on.  That infernal cliché again.  True, yes, but
that didn't make it any less annoying.  "It does that."

"Well, anyway," she smiled again.  "Me, I'm from Florida all the way.
I've been all over the state, but never have left it."  She proceeded
to give me the long, drawn out, and entirely too detailed story of her
life.  I wasn't really listening.  You know, most of the girls I knew
were relatively good people, nice, and not at all as aggressive as this
one.  Sarah was giving me her life story when I didn't even ask for it.

I didn't think I'd ever be thankful to see Brian and Jeremiah, but
their entrance stopped Sarah's maddening tirade, and for that, I would
have quite willingly have kissed their feet.  As the front door opened,
the room got quiet.  All eyes turned to the pair, and almost all of
those eyes held a measure of hostility.  I could sense a confrontation
coming sooner or later.  Unless maybe...

But for now, Brian and Jeremiah forced smiles and walked into the room.
The tension slowly lessened and normal conversation resumed.  Sarah,
thankfully, stopped chattering, but she was staring in Brian's
direction.  Then she sighed and shook her head.  It was pretty clear
from the sadness suddenly in here eyes that she'd once had a crush on
him.

Her eyes sought mine and the chase was once again on.  'Maybe I ought
to end this,' I thought.  And I had an idea.  "You like Brian, eh?" I
asked casually.

"Oh, yes," Sarah answered.  "He's such a sweet guy, charming, and
cute."  Her eyes got distant and her voice got gooey.  "I just love his
eyes.  They sparkle when he smiles and it's so nice.  It's such a shame
that he's gay."

"Really?"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that, but it sucks because now he's
not interested me."  She pouted, but she was putting on airs, mostly
for my attention.

It was my turn.  "He is awfully sweet, isn't he?"  I looked over in his
direction.  He was sitting on Jeremiah's lap, away from everybody, but
he looked so happy.  He was smiling the smile that had basically melted
my own heart.  It was my turn to sigh sadly, only I wasn't faking it.

When I looked back at Sarah, she was staring at me like I'd grown a
third eye.  After a moment, a slow smile spread over her lips, like the
sun rising over a mountain.  "They never told me you were gay," she
said softly.  It was her way to apologize.

"Well, now you know," I said.  "They know, too.  It's not something I'm
exactly quiet about."  That was true.  Heck, quite a few of my students
had known about me.

For her, the boundaries sharply snapped into place.  Now that she knew,
she settled for just being friendly.  We talked for a while, and then
she got up and wandered off to talk to someone else.  I sat back and
looked around the room.  Almost no one was in here.  It looked like all
of them were out back.  Brian and Jeremiah were in their own little
corner, still, but they weren't really doing anything, so I went over
that way.

"Hey, guys," I said.  "Mind if I join you?"

They both looked surprised, but nodded.  "How's it going?" Brian asked.
He and I hadn't really talked in long while, and I found I missed our
conversations.  And then I realized I was finally, truly, and really
over it.  I could accept Brian and Jeremiah as a couple, and in fact
did.  The thought, while depressing, was relieving.  I could move on
and wouldn't be stuck for the rest of my life, clinging to something
that, as far as I knew then, couldn't happen.

"Going good," I answered, taking a seat.  "I saw you just sitting by
yourselves, so I figured I'd come over and talk for a while."

Jeremiah smiled.  He'd certainly changed, and changed for the better.
"Something on your mind, Jay?"  He'd taken to calling me that on the
road.  I didn't know why, but with Jeremiah, there were a lot of things
I didn't know, so I let it go.

"Yeah, I think there is.  We, the three of us, haven't really talked a
lot.  Maybe we should because there are a few things I'd like to say to
the two of you."  I sighed.  "Despite what you might think, I really do
hope you're happy.  I mean that.  I'm happy for you.  I don't begrudge
either of you anything, and I just hope we get back to being friends."

Brian and Jeremiah exchanged glances, and then smiled.  Brian looked
just a little misty-eyed.  "You're something else, Josh.   Everyone
else has been acting like I did something horribly wrong just because
I'm with Jeremiah and not you.  At least *someone* is happy for us."

Jeremiah nodded.  "They really think a lot of you, Jay.  So do I.
You've changed so much from when I knew you...it's like you're someone
else.  I'm just glad you've accepted the fact that this is more than a
passing fad.  I love Brian so much."

"You'd better be very good to him," I said, ignoring the challenge in
Jeremiah's voice.  As I said before, some things never change.  "And
anyway, life goes on.  Maybe if the others see I've accepted this, they
will too."

"God, I hope so," Brian muttered.  "It's getting pretty bad."

"Yeah, I saw," I said.  "I thought things were going to get ugly there
for a minute.  What can we do about it?"

"We?"

"Yeah, sure.  I'll do whatever I can to help."  I decided to change the
subject.  "So, have you told your parents yet, Brian?"

He smiled and nodded.  "Mom was a little upset about it for a while,
but she's okay now.  So is my Dad.  They were both pretty nice about
it, and Jeremiah being there really helped things.  They saw how
serious we are."

The party moved back into the room just then.  AJ, Nick, Howie and
Jake, a tall, rather gawky redhead, with the most startling green eyes,
all walked in, laughing.  "Oh, there you are, Josh," AJ said.  "What's
going on?"

"Oh, just patching a few things up," I said, as casually as possible.
"What's up with you?"

"We were just wondering where you were.  All of you, that is."  He
smiled a little too widely.  "How's it going?"

"Better.  Was there something you wanted?"

Nick nodded.  "Yeah.  We're going partying for a while with these guys.
We haven't gotten to see them in a long while, and they're leaving the
day after tomorrow.  Want to come?"

Not being one to party, I had to decline.  "No thanks.  I thought you
knew me better than that.  I'm not into parties."

"Oh, that's right.  Sorry."  Nick grinned.  "Well, you should still
come."

"No thanks."  I had some things I wanted to do.  It was still pretty
early.

"What about you two?" AJ asked Brian and Jeremiah.

That was the biggest difference between the pair.  Jeremiah liked to
party and drink.  Brian didn't.  They often went separate ways when Jer
was in the mood to go out.  Tonight, it seemed, wouldn't be an
exception.  "I'll tag along," Jeremiah said, just as Brian said, "No
thanks."

"Okay," AJ said, although somewhat reserved.  "Brian, would you mind
dropping Josh by my place, then?"  When Brian shook his head, AJ
smiled.  "Cool.  Well, if you're coming, Jer, then we should go.  You
know where everything is in the house, Josh.  Make yourself at home and
don't wait up."  He grinned and went off with Jeremiah and the others.
"We'll see you all tomorrow," he called over his shoulder.

"Bye," Brian and I called in unison.  Once they were gone, he turned to
me.  "You hungry?"

I shrugged.  I was, actually, and it wasn't that late.  "Yeah,
actually.  You?"

"Yup.  Want to go get something to eat?  Maybe we can talk a little."
He smiled a little apprehensively.  "You know, like we used to.  Seems
like I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you alone in ages."

"It has been a while," I agreed.  On the road, we walked in wide
circles of each other, hardly saying much even when we were around the
others.  Now, though, now my perspective had changed and I was missing
my friend.  And he was my friend.  I'd forgotten that before, but I
knew it now.  "Yeah, let's go."

"Cool."  He grabbed his keys and tucked them into the pocket of his
khaki shorts.  He looked good: dark blue golf shirt, khaki shorts, and
brown leather sandals without socks.  His skin was pretty tan from the
time in the sun.  "I know just the place."

He took us to an out-of-the way family-owned pizza joint.  It was
pretty nice, quiet, and we had a table in the back.  The room was
brightly lit, cheerful, and there weren't many people inside.  We
decided to have half cheese and half Hawaiian, which was my favorite.
The elderly gent who'd taken the order said it'd be a little while,
brought our drinks, and then left.

"So," Brian said, "tell me something."

"What?"

"Just something.  Did you make a lot of friends in Casper?"

Small talk.  Okay.  We'd have to start somewhere.  "Not really.  There
was a guy, Alex, my neighbor, though.  He owns a computer store and I
helped him out on weekends.  Nice guy, too, and a really good friend."

Brian must have seen something in my eye.  "Is he gay?"

"Huh?  Yeah, actually."

"Ooh, so was he more than a friend?"  He was teasing, smiling widely.

'He might have been, if you hadn't gotten to me first,' I thought idly.
Rather than say something I'd regret, I grinned and raised an eyebrow.
"What would you say if we were?"

"I'd say you'd better quit the band and go live in Casper."  He was
being serious.

"Well, we weren't.  He wanted to, but...things kind of got in the way.
Anyway, he's going to help me pack up when I get back.  He's taking
care of Max right now."

At the mention of Max, Brian grinned, and we dismissed the
uncomfortable topic for one more pleasant.  "How is your mutt?"

"Mutt?  Max is a beautiful full-grown German Shepherd dog, thank you.
I miss him, too."

"Well, he's a little big, but you could bring him on the road," Brian
mused.  "I'd like to see him again, too.  He was such a cute little
furball."

"That he was, but he's grown up now."  There was something undeniably
final about the way that'd come out.

The conversation went on to more trivial matters, and we spent the next
half an hour eating and talking, falling into our old, comfortable
roles.  After we finished eating, we headed over to AJ's, and there, we
talked for another couple of hours.  We didn't talk about anything
really serious, just really got caught up.  I let Brian tell me all
about Jeremiah, and I told him a few things I thought he should know.
He left around ten-thirty, and he left, once again, as my friend, not
as someone who'd broken my heart.

The next couple of days were the 3rd and 4th of July, so I ended up
hanging out with everyone and, yes, I did end up going to the 4th of
July party.  It was outdoors, so it wasn't so bad.  I got to meet all
kinds of people, and most of them were pretty cool.  The party was
actually thrown by some of the guys' friends, who invited friends of
their own, so even for Kevin, Howie, Brian, AJ, and Nick there were new
people.

It was kind of funny.  I'd always thought that since these guys were
the Backstreet Boys, they'd hang out with other famous people.  It
wasn't like that.  They hung out with mostly normal people.  I say
mostly because a few of these people were very odd, but overall, they
were friendly and fun.

On the 5th, we had to get cracking on the video.  I roused a bleary-eyed
and grumpy AJ out of bed at six.  We had to be to their set at seven.
He got up, but he was sure to let me know he hated me for waking him.
After he'd had a couple of aspirin, a nice hot shower, and a cup of
coffee, he was much less surly.  He was quiet, but at least he smiled a
little.  I guess he just partied too hard on the 4th.

We got to the set, a big old warehouse on the outskirts of the city,
before any of the others.  AJ explained a little about what he called
the treatment of the video for 'Life on the Back Streets' as we got
breakfast from a table in the back.  This video was going to be
radically different from anything they'd done before.  The first half
of it was going to be the six of us playing in the warehouse...an old,
leaky warehouse.  It would be pretty gauzy...kind of hazy, almost
dreamlike, from what I understood.

The next part would be sort of similar to what they usually did.  Each
of the five of them would have...I guess what you would call a personal
interpretation of what the song meant.  I wasn't too clear on that, but
AJ told me something I didn't quite expect.  I was supposedly going to
be in the background for each of these scenes, dressed in all black,
like a harbinger of death or a shadow, playing my violin or something.
I wasn't that sure what that meant, but it sounded cool.

By the time AJ was done explaining this concept to me, the rest of the
guys had shown up.  We all headed back to a makeshift wardrobe room.  A
couple of women and a man bustled around back there.  None of them gave
names, but that wasn't really expected.

Once we were all back there, the older of the two women said, "We
mostly have darker colors.  Just keep it simple.  You don't need
anything fancy."  She looked over at me.  I had worn black slacks and a
navy blue long-sleeved shirt, despite the summer heat.  "You don't have
to change.  Just wear what you have on."

I shrugged and sat back while the others got dressed in similar
versions of what I had on.  After a few minutes, the younger woman
directed me toward a chair in front of a mirror.  "You have very nice
skin," she remarked.  "I can't see too many blemishes.  You'll just
need a little powder to keep you from looking shiny."  She took about
five minutes to put something on my face.  It didn't look at all
different, as far as I could see.  "Looks good.  I don't need to do
anything to your hair, so you're all done, bucko.  I wish they were all
this easy."

After about twenty minutes, we were all made up and ready.  Since this
was a relatively simple video, there wasn't much preparation.  The crew
out in the warehouse was ready, so we all headed onto the set.  The
director, James, a tall, gangly man with a very direct blue-eyed gaze
and a hard smile, got us all set in places.

"All right," he said, "you know what to do.  This is pretty simple, so
let's get this done as soon as possible."

We ended up going through the motions three times, while the three
cameras took various shots of the set and the six of us playing.  It
only took about an hour, and it went almost without a hitch.  I was
sitting on a stool toward the back.  For the entire shoot, I was
instructed to keep my eyes on the floor in front of the stool, looking
like I was miles away and very sad.  That wasn't hard, and I found that
it was actually pretty easy to mime to the track.

After we wrapped that up, it was still early.  The crew tore down the
instruments and we were told to relocate.  "We're going to move to the
next location," James said.  "This is what's going to take a while.
We've got two more locations, but the five different shots to film."

The next location was a big, old building that looked dilapidated on
the outside, but was quite nice inside.  "We're going to go ahead and
get set up in here," James said.  "You guys know the drill."

I didn't know the drill, but I followed the others.  "It'll be a
while," Nick sighed, settling into a couch in a back room.  "They've
got to get all the cameras set up, adjust the lights, stuff like that.
We usually just chill."

"Yeah," Kevin agreed, stretching his long frame out on another couch.
"They'll come get us when we need to get ready.  For now, you might as
well get comfortable."

I wasn't tired, so I wandered around by myself.  I found a perch out of
the way and watched the crew set up all three of the cameras, the
lights, and things like that.  It was actually kind of neat to watch.
This set was a dark blue room with a big mirror and a window.  There
was also a kind of a ledge running about halfway up the wall, like a
shelf, but a little wider.

It took over an hour to get set up and get everything just so.  I
didn't get a chance to see it finished, though.  Brian came and brought
me back to wardrobe about twenty minutes before they were all done.
"We're shooting my scene first," he said, as we walked back.  He'd
already changed into navy slacks and a matching shirt.

When I got back there, the older woman from the first set said, "Put on
that black shirt."  I did.  Glancing in the mirror, I saw a dark figure
with very fair skin.  Mine was the kind of skin that, no matter how
much sun I got, never got very dark.  It was a striking contrast.  Jet-
black hair, pale, almost translucent skin, black clothing, dark blue
eyes.  I did look like some kind of shadowy figure.

I didn't get any makeup or anything like that.  They shoved a violin in
my hands, told me to sit on the ledge by the window with my knees drawn
up as much as the violin would allow.  I sat facing my reflection in
the window, which was a startling effect.  The music came over the
speakers and Brian began to move around the room.  I looked into my
reflection, as if it was the only thing I could see.  I didn't really
even see what Brian did.

It only took two takes.  Then I had to get down and we all waited.  It
was getting close to lunch by that time, so lunch was brought in.  We
ate as the next set was being prepared.  This time, it was on the roof.
When the scene was shot, I was perched on the very edge sideways while
Kevin moved about.

We moved to another place, one that looked like a club or something.
There was a bar in the middle of the room, and this time, some extras
came in and took seats around the room.  I sat on the bar with my back
against the wall, watching AJ move about the room, mobbed by some of
the female extras.  Through the haze, I could see the look in his eyes.
Although he was supposed to be looking harried, he looked like he was
enjoying himself.

Nick's scene was with a dark-haired young woman in an alley.  She ended
up walking away and slapping him.  I sat on a big dumpster.  And by
that time, I was tired.  Hearing the music over and over again was
starting to jar my nerves.  It was almost eight in the evening by the
time that scene was done.

James was in a big rush to get this done in just one day.  The last
scene was Howie's.  All the others had gone home.  Howie's scene was
pretty easy.  He was just walking outside, past me, while I sat against
a building.  But it took a couple of takes.  The first time, Howie went
sprawling when I, uh, *accidentally* tripped him.  But the second take
went without a hitch.

Howie and I didn't get out of there until after ten.  God, what a long
day.  When I finally got into AJ's house, I went into my room after
saying good night to AJ and fell right asleep.  But at least that was
out of the way.  James had said it was all done, with the exception of
a touch ups.

I didn't wake up until almost noon, but when I did, I heard voices out
in the living room.  Pulling on a pair of shorts, I walked out to see
all five of them sitting out there.  "Morning," I mumbled.

"Jeez," AJ teased.  "I thought you were going to sleep all day.  You
must have been tired."

"I don't know how you guys do it," I said, shaking my head.  "I was so
exhausted when I got back last night and I didn't even do anything but
mostly sit there."

"Yeah, well, when your day starts at six and you're working for hours
on end, you tend to get tired," Kevin said.  "We have four more off-
days.  We're heading up to New York on the tenth."  He raised an
eyebrow.  "None of us are doing anything, so we figured we'd all pitch
in and help you move up here."

I was flabbergasted.  "Um, well, that's nice, but I don't exactly have
a place to stay."

Nick grinned like a kid at Christmas.  "We've got you covered, Josh my
man.  Want to go for a drive?"

They'd found me a place.  I was absurdly touched.  "Sure," I said.
"Just let me go take quick shower."

"Hurry."

Twenty minutes later, AJ, Brian, and I were in one car, and Kevin,
Nick, and Howie were in another.  We followed them.  We ended up in an
area not too far away from Howie's place.  There was a very nice house
with a 'For Sale' sign in front.  It was light blue with white trim, a
big green lawn, and what looked like a big back yard.  The house didn't
look overly large, but it was by no means small.

"We can go inside," Howie said.  "When I saw this place the other day,
I thought about you and called the owner.  Just in case."  He smiled
and pulled out a key.  "The owner was a nice old guy who'd lived there
for years.  It's bigger than your house in Arizona was.  Four bedrooms,
three bathrooms, and it's got a big addition out back which would be a
perfect studio."

I fell in love with the house from the moment I walked in.  It was
empty, yes, but it was still a beautiful house.  In the main rooms
upstairs, it had hardwood floors.  In the bedrooms, the hardwood was
covered by thick off-white carpet.  The house had an open, airy feel
that I just loved.  The basement didn't *feel* like a basement.  It was
bright and cheerfully painted in off-whites and pastels.  And the back
yard was very large.  The addition would indeed make a good studio.

"So what do you think?" Brian asked, but he knew I loved it.

"Do you really have to ask?  I love this place."

"Good," Howie said, beaming.  "I figured you would.  All that's left is
to call Mr. Rhodes and finalize everything.  He's actually selling this
place relatively cheaply."

Of course, "relatively cheaply" in Orlando was still very pricey.  Very
pricey, indeed.  Boy, it was a good thing I was getting paid pretty
well.  Oh, I still had more than enough money in my nest egg to get the
house.  And I hadn't sold my house in Casper yet.

"All right, then," I said.  "Got the number?  I'd like to get this
taken care of as soon as possible."

Howie took care of it for me.  Since I'd be paying cash for the place,
the deal would be going down a lot faster.  The old gent met us at the
house about an hour later and told me that it was okay if I moved into
the house in a couple of days.  I was so surprised at how quickly and
smoothly things were moving.  It was becoming harder and harder to
remember why I had been so reluctant to join them.

On management's dime, all six of us flew back to Casper in their
private jet the next morning.  Before we left, I told them that not all
of them had to come; in fact, I said that none of them really had to at
all, but they insisted.  Who was I to turn them down?  I guess they
really wanted to see Casper, or something.

I'd called Alex ahead of time this time and told him the good news.  He
was pretty excited when I told him whom I'd brought home for dinner and
agreed to pick us up.  When we got there, he was waiting patiently in
the upper waiting room (this airport had two levels.  People waiting to
pick someone up waited upstairs and people waiting to take a flight
were downstairs).

Alex froze on seeing that, indeed, I'd been telling the truth.  His
smile was slow and hesitant, but brightened his whole face, making his
brown eyes seem to glow with inner light.  That's what I'd miss most
about him: that wonderfully innocent and sweet smile.  "You did it," he
mumbled, blushing.  "I can't believe you actually brought them here."

I shrugged and grinned widely.  "I told them they didn't have to come
with me, but they insisted.  I can't seem to understand why.  They're
not this...helpful...with the other band members."  I turned to the five,
who were standing behind me.  "Guys, this is Alex, a very near and dear
friend.  Alex, I assume you know who these guys are."

"Y-yes," he stammered.  "Nice to meet all of you.  We probably ought to
get out of here in case someone recognizes you."

"Think they would?" Brian asked.  "I mean this is Wyoming.  Do they
really know us here?"

I laughed at his naiveté.  "Yes.  And believe it or not, they have
running water and paved roads.  They even have electricity and cable
TV."

Brian looked slightly chagrinned.  "Okay, okay.  I get the point.
Let's get out of here."  As I passed by, he punched my arm.  I stuck my
tongue out at him.  It was such a childish gesture that we both almost
fell over laughing.

Alex had gotten a van and we all piled in.  "So, how long are you all
going to be here?" he asked.

"We're leaving tomorrow evening," Kevin answered quietly.  "Basically,
want to get Josh's stuff packed and the moving vans on the road by
tonight, if at all possible.  I doubt they'll get to Orlando before we
leave for New York, but that's what the movers are for.  We'll have a
couple of days before we start the tour to get you all set up."

"And that means I have another favor for you, Alex, my man," I said.
"I'm not going to be able to handle selling the house.  I know it's a
lot to ask, but-"

"Yeah, sure," Alex muttered.  He didn't sound very happy, but I didn't
want to cause a scene.  I promised myself to talk to him later.  It
sure was a lot to ask of him, and I knew he was busy.  How could I make
this up to him?

The moving vans were already at the house when we got there.  There
were four guys standing outside, leaning on the trucks.  It was early
afternoon and there was a lot of work to do, so we wasted no time.
Alex ran to get Max for me, and then he pitched in.  For five hours, we
all worked like slaves to get everything packed.  I made two groups of
things: stuff I'd need immediately, and things that I could live
without for a couple of weeks.

By nightfall, we were pretty much finished.  The house was completely
empty, cleaned and already ready to sell.  The vans took off for
Orlando.  I was so glad I didn't have to ride all the way down to
Florida.  That seemed like such a long and horrible trip to drive.

The seven of us, and Max, stood in the middle of the empty house,
looking around in complete amazement.  "Wow," I said, my words echoing
off the walls, "this is creepy."  I stretched my aching back muscles.

"It sure is," Alex murmured.  He'd been relatively quiet all day.
"Just think: seven hours ago, everything you owned was right here.
Now, it's God knows where.  You'd better pray that everything gets
there in one piece."

I frowned a little at his cynicism, but again, kept quiet.  "Well, so
how about dinner, guys?  My treat."

Everyone agreed, and soon we were all on our way to Sanford's.  I just
loved the cluttered, comfortable atmosphere of the place.  They had
paper towel dispensers at each table instead of giving out napkins.
The menus were comically large and awkward, and with the seven of us
crammed into a corner booth, it was even more so.

We managed.  I turned my attention to a TV over Kevin's head.  The
Yankees were playing the Red Sox and kicking the holy living crap out
of them, as always.  Good.  Looks like they stood a chance to win a 26th
championship.  They were 16 games ahead of Toronto for first place and
were already challenging the record they'd set back in '98.

Someone nudged me in the ribs.  Alex.  There was no conversation at the
table and everyone was looking a bit awkwardly at the walls.  I smiled
apologetically.  "You know, this is pretty cool," I said.

"What's that?" AJ asked, stretching his long legs.

"Having my old friends and my new friend here together.  I'm going to
miss you Alex, but I'll come back for a visit.  If we're off at
Christmas, I'll be back."  I meant that.

Was it my imagination, or did Alex's eyes light up a little?  He
smiled.  "I'd like that.  Or I could even come see you.  I've never
been to Orlando."

"You could," I said, tossing a shrug.  "I mean, you could come stay at
my new place and stuff.  It'd be kind of cool, especially since I don't
have any real family to spend Christmas with."

"What happened to your family?" Howie asked.  I hadn't told them about
that.  Only Brian knew.

How much should I tell them?  How much *could* I tell them?  Brian
looked at me with some sympathy.  "If you want, I can tell them."

Finding my voice, I shook my head.  "No, that's okay.  Thanks, though.
My parents died in a car wreck quite a few years ago.  They didn't have
other family and I didn't have any siblings.  Last Christmas was the
first real Christmas I've had since I was little."  It was true
enough...I'd just omitted a few things.

"I'd wondered about that," AJ said.  "You seemed a little sad."

Not wanting to deal with this anymore, I said, "Well, it's ancient
history.  In any case, you'd be more than welcome, if you wanted,
Alex."

Alex nodded, brightening.  "I'd like that.  It'd give me a good excuse
not to go back to Detroit."

"Cool."  I still needed to talk to him privately.   The others had
rooms at the Parkway, but I had a different idea.  "Hey, do mind if I
stay at your place tonight?" I asked him.  "There are a couple of
things I need to go over with you."

"Not at all," he sighed.

"Thanks."

The food was hot and plentiful when it arrived.  AJ, Kevin, Howie, and
Alex all had drinks-beers-while Nick, Brian, and I contented ourselves
with sodas.  After the initial awkwardness, we all relaxed a little and
managed to get along pretty well.  Conversation flowed freely.  Nick
and Alex bantered back and forth about computers and the best games.  I
jumped in to offer my two cents once in a while.  Then I turned to talk
to the others.  We didn't really talk about much.  Kevin and Howie
asked questions about the town; mostly they wanted to know the best
local hotspots.  There weren't any, I told them.  Well, The
Underground, but that was sort of the local gay hangout.

When we were all stuffed, I paid the bill and then hopped into the van
with everyone else.  The drive to the Parkway was pretty quiet.  I
agreed to meet all of them back at the hotel in the morning, and then
rode off alone with Alex.  I was almost too tired to say anything at
all on the ride to his house.

Once we got inside, I took a seat on his couch.  Instead of sitting
down across from me, he sat right next to me, easily close enough to
touch.  "I can tell you wanted to talk to me earlier," he said.  "So
spill it."

I looked at the floor in front of me.  "I just wanted to apologize for
dumping this on you the way I have.  I think I'll call Heidi Martin in
the morning and have her company deal with the house.  That way it
won't be all on you."

"You don't have to do that," Alex murmured.  "I mean, I can do it for
you."

I shook my head.  "No, that's not fair.  You don't need the extra
hassle."  I glanced up and over at him.  "I do appreciate you being
such a good friend, Alex.  I'm going to miss you. "

He smiled abstractedly, but his eyes were dark and distant.  "It's not
going to be the same here without you, you know."

"Yeah, I know," I teased.  He didn't smile and instead looked sad.
"Hey, what's the matter?"

Rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, Alex
fetched a deep sigh.  "I'm sorry.  I just don't want you to go.  That's
all.  I wish...Josh...I'm going to say it again.  I wish there could have
been an us."

'No!' my mind yelled, fighting the very idea.  'Don't!  You'll just end
up wrecking your friendship.'  I was so tired of hearing that.  'Shut
up, shut up, *shut up*!'  It didn't have to be like that, did it?
There was only one way to find out, I guess.  Taking a deep breath, I
admitted something that I'd only recently realized.  "You know...if-if I
hadn't thought Brian and I were going to be together...I think we might
have...well...I think we might have gotten together."

That was just what Alex had wanted to hear.  His eyes lit up as he
smiled back and asked, "Well...who says we can't now?"

'You walked right into that, Josh,' I thought, suddenly resigned.  'And
there's nothing you can do now to take it back.'  I just sighed and sat
back on the couch, once again torn.  It wasn't quite the same as last
time.  I couldn't quite put my finger on why, but I was close to just
letting go, telling Alex that, yes, we could be together now.  And if I
did, I wouldn't be unhappy.  But if I did, I didn't want to leave him
behind.  If I got into this, it'd be all the way.

Sensing my hesitation, he reached out and gently brushed the tips of
his fingers over the angle of my jaw, just barely touching the skin.  I
shivered a little.  Being a very sensual animal, I was incredibly
sensitive to touch, and that light contact was almost too much, seeming
to light the nerves in my face.  I leaned into that touch and looked up
at him.  He was on the verge of tears.

"What's wrong, Alex?"  My own voice was a little thick, as well.

Barely audible, "You're incredible.  I-I don't think y-you how you
affect me, J-Josh.  You...just...you smile and...it...takes m-my breath away.
I feel l-like can fly.  I just...I love you so much."  He was rambling,
looking at the floor, face flushed and eyes vulnerable.  "I d-didn't
tell you last time...but I want you to know how much...you've come to mean
to me."

This time, hearing those words didn't bother me.  I wasn't sure what I
felt, but it wasn't dread or fear.  I felt...peaceful, safe.  There was
no anger or that panicky little bird fluttering in my mind at the
thought of someone getting close.  There was nothing but security.
What had changed?  A week ago, I'd turned away after he told me what he
felt.  But now...I didn't know.  There was no urge to turn away.

How had this changed so quickly?  My thoughts were moving around
quickly, almost too quickly for me to catch.  I smiled again though,
and with one inaudible sigh, let him take my hand.  Glancing into his
eyes, I saw a look of such intense hope and barely concealed passion
that began to wear down my own resistance.  Why was I fighting?  More
importantly, whom was I fighting?  Alex or myself?

Suddenly, I didn't care.  Dammit, I was only human and not made of
stone.   Besides, I cared about him a lot.  Maybe I didn't love him,
but...but who said I couldn't learn how?  "You...you mean a lot to me, too,
Alex," I said, looking at my hands.  "Maybe more than you think.  I...I
guess...well, you're right.  Who says we can't be more...more than
friends?"  My voice cracked just slightly on the last word.

His whole being seemed to light up with joy.  I'd never seen anything
quite so lovely or endearing in my life.  It was as if an internal lamp
had gone on.  "You mean that?"

"Would I have said it if I didn't?"  My voice was raw.  I was trembling
a little, mostly from the intense and overwhelming wave of passion that
crashed over me.  I looked at him, through him, wanting to see into his
soul.  All I could see is that he meant what he'd said.

He must have seen something in my eyes.  "You've stopped running," he
said, voice thick with emotion.  "I am so happy.  I know it's going to
be a while before we can see each other again, but we can write and
call.  I...I'll move down."

At the moment, it didn't matter.  "I don't think that's really
important right now."

"Right."  He smiled shakily and reached out again.  Only this time, he
pulled me into a tight embrace.  I sighed, and the last of whatever
resistance I'd had dissolved.

His fingers traced slow, sensuous lines across my face, once again
barely brushing the surface.  He bent his head and brushed his lips
lightly over my cheek, once, twice, then the other.  Just this chaste
contact was enough to set me to trembling again.  When he kissed me for
real, everything felt so right.

Before too much longer, it got serious.  But before it got too much
more serious, though, Alex stopped and looked closely into my eyes
before standing and leading me by the hand.  All mental function had
shut down with the pleasures of the flesh.  Every nerve was raw and
alive, tingling with sensation as I followed.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he whispered as we ended up in
his room.  I could only nod.

I didn't resist.  I couldn't resist.  I was, and still am, after all,
only human.  There was an almost desperate passion that night, as we
made the special music that comes from the meeting and merging of two
wandering souls.  All of my fears and doubts were washed away in the
sweet giving and receiving we shared that night.

I fell asleep sated, deeply exhausted, but utterly content, wrapped in
arms that promised not to hurt me or let the world come too close.

I awoke in an unfamiliar place, warm, comfortable, and with someone's
arms around me.  Memory flooded in like the weak light from the rising
sun.  Alex.  I was with Alex.  And last night we'd...ah, yes.  The best
part was that I didn't regret doing any of it.

Alex chose that moment to wake up.  He wrinkled his nose and then
opened his eyes.  Seeing I was awake, he smiled slowly.  "Morning," he
murmured.

"Good morning," I returned, stretching out.  I felt great.

"It wasn't a dream, after all.  I'd hoped-"

I cut him off with a quick kiss, teasing him.  After a moment, I pulled
back and sat up.  "Don't start with the mushy stuff," I admonished
jokingly.  It was still pretty early, by the clock, but I'd agreed to
be at the Parkway early.  "We have to be at the Parkway by eight-
thirty."

"It's only a quarter 'til six.  I think I'm going to sleep for another
hour."

"Go ahead.  I'll get you up at seven."

"Okay."  Within a matter of minutes, he was asleep again, breathing
deep and even.

I'm the kind of person who, once awake, can't fall back asleep.  I
climbed out of the large bed, slipping into my boxers and a pair of
shorts as I made my way into the living room.  It was going to be a
lovely day.  Outside the birds sang away.  I could feel a goofy smile
on my lips, but didn't care.

Max and Lady were curled up together out in the back yard.  When I
opened the back door, they both looked up sleepily and then got up and
padded my way.  I took a seat in one of the deck chairs and gave both
dogs attention, while my mind was a thousand miles away, calmly
wandering over the memories of last night.

It was incredible how easily and naturally it had happened.  Somehow,
I'd stopped fighting myself and let my guard down.  The thought wasn't
particularly alarming, although initially with David, it had been.  And
it had been with Brian.  But Alex...I didn't ever have to be anyone but
myself around him, and that was the person he liked.  It was so easy, I
reflected, to be around him.

A while later, after analyzing the situation from all kinds of
different angles, I slipped back into the house and, seeing that it was
about seven, went back into the bedroom.  I decided to be mean, so
instead of waking him gently, I jumped on the bed like a kid.  He came
awake with a start, and grinned before reaching out to pull one of my
legs out from under me.  I fell right on top of him, laughing all the
while.

"Good morning," I said brightly, rolling off.

He stretched.  "My, aren't we chipper this morning."

"Yes, indeed," I answered, reaching over to kiss his cheek.  "How are
you doing?"

"Just wonderful," he sighed.  "I feel pretty good."  He sat up and
looked at me seriously.  "No regrets, right?"

Without the slightest hesitation, I said, "None."

His face lit up: a picture of surprise and happiness.  "I was kind of
afraid...you'd change your mind."

"I'm not going to back out, if that's what you think," I said.  "I knew
what I was getting into.  I'm happy, Alex.  I really am."

His eyes became intense, demanding.  "Are you?"

"Yes.  Look, I'm not in this because I want sex.  I'm not in this
because you want me to be.  I'm in this because I...I want to be with
you.  I-I..."  My cheeks red, I looked at the floor.  "I love you."

Ah.  That had been the right thing to say.  And hell, it was almost
true.  I did care for him very deeply and I didn't want anyone else.
This was the man I wanted to be with.  'So this is what Brian feels
like when he looks at Jeremiah,' I thought idly.  Brian...well, he'd
understand.  I was moving on.

Alex, meanwhile, looked like he could die happy.  "You do?  I...I never
thought...I love you, too, Josh.  I have for a long time."  He pulled me
into another tight embrace.  It was so easy.

We took longer than was strictly necessary in the shower...the hot water
was almost gone by the time we finally climbed out, together, but we
were both very relaxed and sated.  There was plenty of time to get
ready before we had to meet the guys at the hotel.  I sat back after I
was ready and watched Alex without speaking.

'Josh,' I admonished myself, but amusedly, 'stop that.  You are acting
like a dolt.'  Another voice popped up, 'Aw, don't worry about it.
You're happy, so what's the problem?'  A small smile ticked the corners
of my lips.

"What are you smiling about?" Alex asked quietly, as we got ready to
leave.

"Oh, just how sometimes you don't see what's right under your nose," I
answered.  "You know, I almost missed out on this because of...because I
was..."

"Because of *him*, huh?"  He looked a little guarded.

"Alex, don't worry.  It's all over.  Brian has Jeremiah and they're
very serious.  I'm over him.  Don't think you have to compete, because
you don't.  I'm not going to give you up."

"That's good to know."  Once again, Alex smiled and took my hand.  "I'm
glad.  I love you too.  It's going to be lonely here."

"Well, you know, we *are* touring the US.  When we get around this way,
out west, maybe you could come up.  I know we've got a couple of days
scheduled for Denver.  Besides, after that, these guys want a month
off."

"That's good."  We were cruising through town, past the west side
strip, marveling at the lack of traffic and just generally laughing,
relaxing, and having a good time.

We got to the Parkway about fifteen minutes later, right on time.
Kevin was in the huge lobby, reading a newspaper.  Alex grabbed my hand
and laced his fingers through mine.  "Ah-hem, excuse me, Mr.
Richardson," I said.  "Can I have an autograph?"

Kevin looked up, startled, but then smiled.  "Josh, I don't care if you
do that here, but when we get to the bigger cities, I really wish you
wouldn't."

"Do I look stupid?" I shot back, joking.

"No, I-"  He cut off abruptly, eyes widening as he saw Alex's hand
intertwined with mine.  A slow smile spread over his lips.  "Y'know,
you, uh, you may want to be careful about that."  He indicated our
hands with a nod.

"Thanks, Dad," I said.  "So where is everyone?"

"Upstairs.  I dunno who's in whose room, but they're all up and around.
Let's go get them."

We followed Kevin upstairs.  He knocked on one of the doors and AJ
poked his head out.  "Hey Kev, we're all in here."  Seeing Alex and me,
he smiled.  "How's it going?"

I smiled just a little, but Alex grinned widely, even teeth gleaming in
the mellow light of the hallway.  "Couldn't be better," he answered.

"That's good.  Come on in."

The guys were sprawled out in the chairs and on the floor, looking
entirely too comfortable.  Alex and I gravitated toward the couch and
sat down.  He pulled me against him so that my head was resting almost
against his heart.  I sighed and then smiled softly.  This actually was
very nice.  A surge of affection for Alex got my heart going again.

"What's on the agenda?" Kevin asked, snapping me out of my reverie.

Without moving, I answered, "I've got to talk to a friend of mine today
about selling my house for me.  I'm not sure how long it'll take, but
it shouldn't be too long.  Are we in any kind of hurry?"  I found
myself hoping not.

Kevin grinned over Brian's head.  Brian was smiling down at his hands.
"Not really.  I imagine you're not, either."

"True enough," I said with a grin.

Howie and Nick looked up and over at the two of us, and they too
started smiling, but they didn't say anything.  We sat in silence for a
long while, until Kevin asked, "Anyone hungry?"

We all were, so we piled into the van and headed to the Village Inn for
breakfast.  Their food wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad, either.  In
any case, we were able to eat our fill and talk about a few things.
Right after that, it was about nine-thirty and Heidi's office was open,
so, we swung by.  It took a little longer than I thought, but in the
end, all the forms were filled out and I put everything into her hands.
The only thing Alex had to do was sign for me, should the need arise.

Once that was all finished, I realized that everything was finished.
All of the business we'd come here to take care of was done.  We had to
be in New York the day after tomorrow, and were going to head back
tonight.  In a strange way, I didn't want to go because once I left,
once I had a chance to be alone and think about things, I knew I'd be
second-guessing myself.

The day passed by quickly.  We hung out at Alex's for the better part
of the afternoon, talking idly.  Everyone took a shine to Alex.  Now
that he and I were together, his inhibitions around my friends
disappeared and he revealed himself to be funny and charming, as I knew
he was.  He, Nick, Howie, and AJ went into his basement to play video
games on his computers for a while, leaving Kevin, Brian, and me amused
on the couches upstairs.

"It's going to be a long trip," I sighed, absently glancing toward the
basement.

"Were you holding out on me the other night?" Brian asked, out of the
blue, once Alex was out of earshot.

Knowing exactly what he was talking about, I shook my head.  "Nope.
This...just started last night."

"But you're not staying with him."  It wasn't a question.

"No, I'm not.  I mean, I *am* under contract with you guys now, so I
really think it'd be tacky to back out of it."   With a shrug, I said,
"He said he's going to move down to Orlando, but we haven't really
talked much about it yet.  Yeah, we're going to stay together, but just
not be together while I'm with you guys."

I knew what Brian was thinking.  New Year's, a similar situation.  Only
I'd refused to get involved because of his schedule on the road.  Now I
had just put someone in the very situation I'd refused to get into with
him.  The thought wasn't a happy one.  I felt like a hypocrite, and I
could see very clearly in his eyes that he thought the same thing.  But
a moment later, the look was gone.

There was so much between us that was only half-healed.  He managed a
wan smile.  "Well, it'll only be a few months.  Besides, we're taking
an extended vacation in December, so, you know, it'll be okay."

"I know it will."  Okay, this was a topic to be avoided in the future.
"And, like you say, it'll only be a few months.  Besides, we're coming
out this way."

The conversation moved onto other things, then.  We talked about New
York and what they had to do.  They had the usual round of interviews
to kick off the tour, and all but one included playing a set, so that
meant, of course, that we were there.  Plus, MTV had asked to get a
chance to talk to the new band members.  Who were we to refuse?

And then it was back to Orlando for rehearsals.  They were changing a
little of the act for the US and Canadian fans.  I hadn't realized that
we were going to be playing half a dozen shows there, but I looked
forward to it.  I've always loved to go new places and see things I
haven't seen before.  I'd heard we were getting a couple of days off
after we played Toronto, so maybe I'd get a chance to go exploring.

Finally, it was time to leave.  Alex played chauffeur once again and
drove all of us, including Max, who we'd had to put into his cage, to
the hotel.  He had an errand to run before he took us out to the
airport, so he took off for almost a full half an hour before
returning.

The ride out to the airport was silent.  None of us really had much to
say.  When we got there, we made our way right out to the strip where
the jet sat, waiting.  The pilot was ready to go, and it was only a
matter of moments before the bags were loaded.  Since it was a private
jet, Max got to ride up front with us.

Out on the runway, the guys said goodbye to Alex.  AJ was last and
grinned as he walked up to my lover.

"Say, what's your middle name, Alex?"

"Joshua," Alex answered, smiling at me.  I hadn't known that.

AJ grinned.  "Another Alex, at least.  You know I have the same first
name as you?"

Alex pretended to act shocked.  "You're kidding!"

AJ punched his arm.  "Watch it, AJ, boy."

"Hey, I am an AJ, aren't I?  I hadn't thought about that."  Alex
grinned broadly, eyes sparkling.  "An AJ with the same middle name as
my lover's first name.  How odd is that?"

My goodbye to Alex was a little reserved.  I was still trying to adjust
to the fact that I was *with* someone.  But I kissed his cheek chastely
and told him I'd call.  He reciprocated the gesture and told me he
loved me, but at the end, pressed a small box into my hand.  "Open it
on the plane."

I stared at the box.  "I can't take this.  I-I don't have anything for
you."

"That's okay.  I just wanted to show you that I really do love you,
Josh.  Besides, you've already given me something very special.  You."
He kissed my cheek again, wrapped me up in a tight embrace, and then
finally stepped away.  "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Sure.  I'll talk to you later."

"You'd better.  Now go, before I decide to keep you here."

I nodded and turned toward the plane, pausing to wave at the foot of
the steps before getting in.  Climbing into my window seat, I waved
again at the solitary figure as I settled in.  He waved back, smiling
broadly.  I watched him until he became nothing but a small spec
thousands of feet below.  I imagined he was still waving.

"Hey, what's that?" AJ asked, nodding to the white box I still held in
my hand.

"I don't know," I answered.  "I haven't opened it yet."  Carefully, I
pulled the top off of the box and looked inside.  There was a gold
necklace inside, which I held up.  Dangling off the bottom was a
musical note.  On the back the words, "I love you more than you know,"
had been inscribed.

"What does it say?"

"Just that he's a lot more serious than I thought," I mumbled, only
half-paying attention to what I was saying.  With a small smile, I put
the necklace on.  It felt a little heavy, but it settled just above my
heart.

"Looks good," AJ remarked.  Everyone else was just looking my way,
nodding.

"So, how serious *are* things?" Howie asked.  "I don't mean to pry, but
it looked like nothing was happening last night, and all of the sudden,
Alex is acting very happy, and you're more relaxed than any of us have
ever seen you."

"I think we're pretty serious," I answered.  "I mean, I told him no
once, but that was a while ago.  Things have changed and the time was
just right."  'Things have changed, all right, and...and maybe it's not
so bad,' I thought, staring off into the vast, deep azure sea that was
the July sky.  'I mean, I do like Alex an awful lot.  I always have.'
But it was more than that, I realized.  Oh, my God.  But it was true.
I was starting to fall in love with Alex.

When we'd made love (and yes, I will call it that because it was more
than just sex), there had been so much passion, and I had thought it
was his.  But it hadn't been.  I realized that I'd been starting to
feel the same way that night.  I promised myself that I'd talk to him
and tell him tonight, when I called him.

I was content, and in my heart, I knew that I'd made a good choice.
Alex was a good man, and had been a gentle, kind, and compassionate
friend for a while.  I was lucky, really, to have found him.  Why had I
waited so long?  What had I been so afraid of?

"Josh?  Hey, Josh, are you there?" Kevin asked, concerned.

My eyes snapped up to his.  "Hmm?"

"You okay?  You looked like you were a long way out there."

"Yeah.  I was just thinking.  What were you saying?"

"Don't worry about it.  We were just talking about writing some new
music with you."  He grinned, knowing that that was the one subject
that could always catch my attention.

"When?"

"Oh, whenever.  Probably on the road."  Kevin stretched his long legs
and settled back in his seat.  "We need something funky, that we can
dance to," he said idly, but didn't seem inclined to continue the
conversation.

We lapsed into silence for the rest of the long flight.  I fell asleep
and didn't wake up once during the entire trip.  In fact, we had almost
come to a stop on the runway when I woke up.  It was pretty late when
we got there, full dark and well after midnight.

I decided Max and I would go crash at Kevin's, just for the night.  My
stuff hadn't gotten to town yet, and probably wouldn't for another day,
so that meant I couldn't get to it until I returned from NYC.  But that
was okay because I had what I needed to get by.

We met up with the band the next day and spent most of the afternoon
kicking around and getting reacquainted.  Early the following morning,
we were on the plane.  We would put in a quick appearance on TRL that
afternoon before heading over to do 'Backstreet TV' for MTV right
afterward.  There was where they were going to perform the song, right
after the debut.

The flight up was uneventful, and we arrived in plenty of time.  The
two groups-the Boys and the band-split up, with the Boys heading to the
hotel, and the band heading to the studios to get set up.  The five of
us were relatively quiet around one another that entire day.  It wasn't
that we were grouchy; we were just all wrapped up in thought.

The band would actually only be there for one song.  There were going
to be two songs.  'Life on the Back Streets' was going to be the second
song and the group was planning to wow the audience with it.  Once we
got all set up and ran through sound checks with the MTV crew, we had
free time to kick around.

Around three, the Boys showed up.  It was pretty easy to hear when they
showed up from the sheer volume of the screams outside.  I went to one
of the front windows and looked out over Times Square.  TRL had already
started when the Boys showed up (they went around back), but the people
down there knew.

God, there were so many people out there.   The opposite side of the
street was crammed full of people for two blocks.  It spread around the
corner.  There were a line of police who'd thrown up barricades right
in front of the studio, but the sidewalk was covered...people pushing,
packed together like animals.

About ten minutes before the Boys were supposed to go on, Nick came
over to where the band was chilling.  "Hey, Josh, didn't you know you
were supposed to come on with us?"

I hadn't.  "No," I answered.  "Why in God's name do you want me out
there with you?"

"Because you were responsible for the song and we want you to get your
credit."

"But-but," I started to protest.

Nick smiled and pushed my shoulder.  "No buts, you hole.  Come on.  You
need to get to makeup."

I sighed and followed along.  Back in the makeup room, people were
buzzing around madly.  A tall, harried-looking woman glanced at Nick
and me and then motioned me over to a chair.  "This'll only take a
second," she said and very quickly put some light powder on my forehead
and cheeks.  "There we go.  You're done.  God, I wish everyone was that
easy."

There were still more than five minutes to go when Nick and I joined
the group.  "Nice of you to tell me I'd be joining you," I groused to
all of them.

We were all dressed in black.  I had been the only one to arrive
wearing them.  "Well, it was just a last minute decision," Kevin said,
"but we figured we ought to give you your credit.  Besides, you're in
the video.  People are going to wonder.  What's going to happen is that
the five of us are going to go out and talk for a minute.  They'll show
the video and then we'll call for you to come out.  Pretty simple."

I shrugged.  "Whatever."

Five more minutes later, the group hit the studio.  The noise was
absolutely deafening as they emerged.  Unbeknownst to all, I moved
toward the front of the set, but stayed well out of sight.  I was just
curious as to what the video looked like.  I'd heard that it had been
rushed through postproduction, though.  Normally it took more than four
days to finish a video, but there weren't many special effects, if any
at all.

The only thing they'd done to the video beyond the footage they'd shot
was add a little bit of haze and arrange the different clips.  Brian's
scene was the last, but I loved the effect.  My reflection in the
window seemed to be watching Brian walk about the room and lament.
Overall, the entire video was like nothing they'd done and like nothing
I'd ever seen.

The reaction was a bit surprising: as the video ended, everyone was
silent for a long moment, as if they were digesting the entire video,
but then the cheers started up.  These seemed louder and more feeling
than the cheers the guys had gotten on entering the set.  I slipped
back to the waiting area just in time to be shoved toward the set.

I walked out quickly, seeing people craning around to look at me.  I
had never been the center of attention like this before and it was the
most fabulously disconcerting thing that had ever happened.  The noise
was deafening, and it was all I could do not to clap my hands over my
ears.  As I approached the group, someone put a microphone in my hands.
The lights were harsh and hot.  I started sweating almost instantly,
but part of it was just nerves.

I felt so short standing next to everyone.  Carson Daly, looking
entirely too bemused, grinned as I reached out to shake his hand.
"How's it going, Josh?"

"Oh, fine," I answered awkwardly into the microphone.  "You?"

The noise had gone down a little bit.  "Great, great.  So, have you
seen the video all the way through?"

I grinned sheepishly.  "Actually, I sneaked up behind one of the camera
people and watched it from there just a minute ago.  That was the first
time I'd seen it."

The guys and everyone else laughed.  "What'd you think?"

"I thought it was pretty cool.  Definitely not like anything they've
ever done before."

"That's right," Kevin agreed.  "But then again, that song isn't like
anything we've ever done before."

"We have a couple of audience questions," Carson interjected before
anyone else could say anything.  "Um, right over there."  He indicated
someone off to the right with a nod.  "What's your name?"

A tall, pretty redhead stood up.  "I'm Cheryl."

"Where you from?" Carson asked.

"New Jersey," Cheryl answered.  "I have a question for everyone.  Do
you all actually play your own instruments in this song?"

"Yes, we do," Brian answered.  His accent was a little thicker than
normal, but no less endearing.  "We did all of the work on the song
ourselves.  Actually, Josh and I wrote the original music in his
studio, and then we brought the guys over the next day and Josh, being
the talented musician that he is, had us all, except AJ, work on
instrumental parts.  While we did that, he brought out the violin and
just winged his way through it."

"I don't think he's ever played it the same way twice," Kevin
commented.  "The five of us know the music only as it's written, but
Josh just adds the violin as he sees fit every time."

The praise felt undeserved.  I just did what I always did.  I was far
better at improvising than at following the music as it was written.
"It's no big deal, really," I said, to try to deflect some of it.

"We have time for one more question," Carson broke in.  He was smiling
like a Cheshire cat.  The guy towered over me.  I felt so short
standing up there.  "What's your name and where are you from?" he asked
a girl toward the back.

This one was a short, rotund, and profoundly giggly girl.  She looked
no more than thirteen years old.  "Um, hi.  I'm Shannon from the
Bronx."  Ah.  There was no mistaking that accent.  "I just wanted to
know when you're planning to hit the road again."

"A few weeks from now," Nick answered.

"We're starting in Orlando," Kevin said.  "And it's going to be a North
American tour, so we'll be hitting a few places in Canada.  We'll be
doing some of the old hits and the stuff on the new album."

"That's right," Carson affirmed.  "And remember, we'll be giving away
tickets to a dozen shows over the next six days.  Two sets of tickets a
day.  Also a reminder, stick around for 'Backstreet TV,' an hour long
this time, coming up next.  These guys are going to perform, answer
questions, and we'll be talking to their band."  He reached out and
shook each of our hands.  "Thanks for dropping by, guys.  We'll see you
in a few minutes."

"No problem," AJ answered.

"Our pleasure," Kevin agreed.

"See ya!" Brian called, as the six of us took off.

Backstage, Howie pushed my shoulder.  "You're a natural ham," he said
with a grin.  His dark eyes sparkled with amusement.  "People are
calling you the unofficial sixth."

"Sixth what?" I asked dumbly.

Nick thumped the back of my head.  "Backstreet Boy, doof.  They think
you're one of us."

"Really?" I sighed.  "To be perfectly honest, I'm glad I'm in the band
and not one of you."

"Why's that?"

"Because I'd go nuts if I couldn't play the music.  I like being in the
background."  I cleared my throat.  "That was an unusual reaction to
the video, don't you think?"

"They weren't sure what to make of it," Kevin said, as he herded us
toward the other set.  "It was so different that it took them a moment
to think about it.  That was actually about the reaction I expected.
But it was a good sign.  They had to take it all in, and then it was
pretty clear they liked it."

"Wait 'til they hear us ply it," Nick said, grinning like a kid in a
candy store.  He turned my way.  "So, what'd you think about being in
front of a camera like that?"

I shrugged.  "It was actually pretty cool.  Not much to it."

"Nope.  Never is, unless they ask really personal questions."

I thought about the term "really personal questions."  I knew exactly
the kind of questions he meant, although it was unlikely anyone would
ask those here.  Those were mostly questions about love lives and
pasts.  The love life I could handle, but I wasn't particularly
interested in divulging my past.

Truth to tell, Jeff and Michael had both instructed me to deflect any
questions regarding my sexuality, although I'd heard that questions
were already starting to pop up about it.  People who had known me in
the past weren't exactly quiet about it.  I didn't care.  It was just
part of who I was.  If anyone asked, I'd be honest about it.  There was
nothing to hide.

I went back with the band.  Andy and Meghan were sitting quietly tuning
their instruments again, but Dennis and Jeremiah were yucking it up in
the corner.  I sat down by Andy and Meghan and struck up a
conversation.  Out of all of them, I liked the two of them the best.
Dennis was a little bit too competitive for his own good, and Jeremiah,
well, he wasn't too bad, but he and I weren't really close.

Andy's bright blue eyes were, as usual, inward turned.  It was odd to
have a conversation with him sometimes because it was easy to think he
wasn't listening.  He always did.  He had a gift for listening, and I
think that was one of the best things about him, that drew people to
him.  He liked to listen and always would, but he just didn't
particularly like to talk.

People started filling up the studio a few minutes later.  TRL was
almost over.  Everyone was getting set.  I took a seat behind the
keyboards and waited.  All of the others were set also.  We looked
good, and I knew we sounded good.  We were going to play the first song
just after the start of the show, come out for our short little
interview and then the others were going to leave, while I prepped
backstage.

It went off without a hitch.  The guys all hit the set a moment after
Dave Holmes called for them.  It was unusual, I thought, that it wasn't
Carson who was doing this interview stuff.  I later learned that Dave
had actually *asked* for it.  Ah, well, whatever.  To each his own, I
guess.

Right after the first song, the five band members were hustled onto the
set.  Five extra chairs had been set up for us, and just as we arrived,
I heard, "Let's bring out the new band."

We came out amidst cheers and screams and then took our seats with the
guys after shaking hands with Dave and exchanging greetings with the
others.

"Ah, so," Dave started, "what's it like being the band for such a
popular group?"

The four of them looked to me.  Only a little surprised, I shrugged.
"Well, it's been an interesting experience, to say the least."

"Oh, definitely," Jeremiah agreed.  "I mean, this is something you
never dream you'd get to do, but here we are."

"And," Dennis added, "we have the added bonus for working for a group
of good guys, and that does wonders for us."

Dave nodded, bright blue eyes sparkling.  "So, all of you but Josh and
Jeremiah were brought into the group through your management.  How'd
you meet these guys, Josh?"

I grinned.  "It's a little ironic, actually.  I was never really a fan
of these guys' music, but I had a friend who was.  One day, I won
tickets and passes, got to meet these guys and we clicked.  We actually
ended up writing a song together that night.  'Life on the Back
Streets,' which we did entirely in my studio.  The next night, we
finished that song and also wrote 'Run Around'.  We kept in touch and I
spent Christmas with them last year and then they called after the
accident in Europe."

Dave nodded and smiled.  "And Jeremiah?"

"I was at a party and ran into AJ and Howie, and we just kind of hit it
off.  I've been hanging with them for four or five months."  Jeremiah
just shrugged.  "We're pretty good friends."

"Were you all fans of the group beforehand?"

"Yeah," Meghan answered quietly.  "Definitely."

"As embarrassing as it is to admit," Dennis said, "I was."

"And I was too," Jeremiah answered.

"So I was I," Andy said.  "I didn't really know their music that well,
but I knew who they were, and I liked the sound."

"I think I already answered that," I said.

"So you did.  Next question.  Which of you are permanent?"  Jeremiah
and I raised our hands.  The rest didn't.  "Is there any kind of
friction or anything like that between the ones who are staying and the
ones who aren't?"

"Tabloid journalism?" I asked ironically.  "Of course there isn't.  We
haven't been around each other too much, and we get along anyway."

Dave looked around the studio and then at the other guys before
nodding.  "Okay.  We have a couple of quick audience questions.  What's
your name?" he asked to someone off to the right.

"Mary," a skinny, gawky girl said.  "I'm from Detroit."

"Oh really?" Dave asked.  "What brings you out here?"

"I wanted to see the Backstreet Boys," she answered, as if it were
completely obvious.

"Good answer.  What's your question?"

It was just a pretty general question, so I zoned out and let the rest
of the others take over.  The next few questions were all pretty much
the same, so I kept my mouth shut and sat back while the others
answered, only offering up a word or two when they asked.  Before I
knew it, it was all over and the band headed off the stage.

I came back in about half an hour later for the final set.  It went
smoothly and beautifully.  They were all on, so I played with flair,
not intending to be a showoff, but being one without thinking about it.
Once it was over, we took our bows to loud cheers and screams and then
left the stage.

The next set of interviews started early the next morning.  One of the
teen magazines wanted to interview us, the band, that was.  So, we
went.  The interviewer was a young, urbanite man dressed in designer
clothes down to the shoes.  His name was Gabe Williams, and he exuded
city-slicker from every pore of his body.  He greeted us with a polite
I-don't-want to-be-here-but-I-have-to-make-a-living smile, and then
settled into his routine.

Routine it was, at first.  The questions were just standard, boring
questions, and I was content to let the others answer, unless I was
directly asked.  I actually started to zone out until this guy pulled
out the big gun.

He turned to, dark eyes suddenly filled with interest.  "So, Josh,
rumor has it that you're gay.  Any truth to that?"

That brought reality crashing back down.  "Whoa," I chuckled.  "Where'd
*that* come from?"

"I've heard that from several sources, actually," Williams answered
with a smirk.  It was obvious that he thought I was going to lie about
it.

"Well, it ain't exactly rumor," I said.

"Come again?"  His eyebrows shot up until they almost became lost in
his jet-black hair.

I disliked this guy.  He was arrogant and he obviously thought he was
going to break a story here.  I just smiled and said, "I said it's not
a rumor.  It's true.  A lot of people know it already."  I threw up a
hand because I knew exactly what he was going to ask next.  "Before you
even ask, no, I am *not*, I repeat am *not* seeing anyone even remotely
associated with the group.  None of them are gay.  Just me."

"And me," Jeremiah jumped in.  "But we're not seeing each other."  He
laughed loudly.  "No, he's seeing some computer geek from Wyoming."

"Michigan," I corrected mildly.  "He's a computer salesman and tech.
He just moved out to Wyoming a few months ago, really.  And that is all
you're going to get out of me."

After a few more questions, Williams was bored again, so that was the
end of the interview.  I was glad.  "I'm going to have this printed,"
he said, to see if we were really serious.

I looked him squarely in the eye and grinned.  "Go right ahead.  Do you
really think it's going to affect the Boys' popularity?  I don't.
Especially since none of *them* are gay, and half of them are eligible
right now."

After that pleasant scene, we returned briefly to the hotel.  I told
the guys what had happened and none of them seemed particularly upset.
Kevin went ahead and called management, and even they weren't too angry
with Jeremiah or me.  Jeff just asked if either of us had said anything
about the Boys.  When I told him what I'd said, Jeff just laughed and
said it'd be okay.

The rest of the time we were in New York was pretty much laid back.
Since the guys knew the town so well, they were more than happy to play
tour guides.  We went all over the place during our off-time, which was
actually more than I'd expected.  I hadn't thought we'd have so much
time to roam around, but they only had one photo shoot and the
interviews.

I didn't really like New York.  The place was crowded, always busy, and
it seemed like there was always a haze around the city.  There were a
lot of things to do, though, so I guess that wasn't so bad.  There were
way many more places to go, things to see, whatever, than in any other
place I'd been.  In that short trip, we only scratched the surface.

Despite the sheer number of malls, clubs, parks, and things like that,
I still wasn't in any hurry to return.  I felt a lot safer in a smaller
place.  Hell, I was happy to be on the plane back to Orlando.  It was a
long, quiet flight back.  We were wrapped in our own thoughts,
feelings, and generally just taking it easy.

When I got to my place in Orlando, I saw that my things had been set
up, but there was a lot of work to do.  Over the course of the next
week, I set the house up by myself.  During that time, I talked to Alex
quite a bit, spent time at the studio rehearsing, and generally just
got to know the city that I now called home.

I didn't think, even if I did eventually quit the band, that I'd move
away from there.  I fell in love with my house and the neighborhood.
No one asked questions, and they were all friendly people.  They were
detached, but in a way, that was better than nosy neighbors.  When Alex
moved down, no one would question two men living together.

Finally, it was time to hit the road.  A few days before the first set,
management agreed to allow me to bring Max along for the trip.  I was
glad because I'd missed him a lot when we were on the road before.
Besides, he was playful, fun, and well-behaved.  I was pretty sure he'd
be no trouble for anyone.

So, we were all set.  I still felt a little nervous as we prepared for
the opening show in Orlando.  But eventually, even that passed and all
of us were just ready.  I'd spent a little time with Andy and Dennis
going over some of the music, trying to find ways to tinker with it,
just to make it a little better.  They laughed at me, but like I said,
I'm a perfectionist.

But we were ready for anything.  I haven't described what it's really
like to be onstage, and I'd like to do that.  To make it easier, I'm
going to shift a little and tell this a bit differently.  Indulge me.
I'm going to let you inside my head for a brief moment.

*The whole group gathers just before they're supposed to go on.  It's
usually Brian who says a quick prayer, though sometimes that changes.
Tonight, Kevin says it quickly and fervently.  Your energy starts to
build as the group gets ready.  It's going to be a good night.  You
know that as surely as you know your own name.

Once everything is set, you walk onto the stage and the first thing
that strikes you as you look out is the absolute enormity of the crowd.
It's a literal sea of faces out there, most young, but it's hard to
make out features.  You can hear them though.  You wear earplugs, but
you can hear the screams of lust and adoration.  It's absolutely
amazing.

The lights are harsh, illuminating the smallest mistake as you prepare.
You, as a band member, and not one of the Boys will fade into the
background shortly, but for now, you are a messenger of what's to come.
They (the fans) know what's coming now that you're up in your place
behind the keyboards and now that the other band members are in their
places.

As you're about to play, you're pumped full of adrenaline.  Thousands
upon thousands of girls and a few guys yelling, screaming, clamoring,
sweaty bodies pressed tightly together, craning for a better view, for
the moment, of you gets you excited.  The energy level is enormous and
you're feeding off of it.  In that moment, you forget where you are;
time and space are irrelevant.  Everything in your mind is silent and
you know you're ready.  You come back to yourself just as it's about to
start.

The lights go off-house lights and stage lights-as you strike the first
notes to the first song.  It doesn't matter.  You know this music so
well you don't need to see to play it.  It doesn't matter what the song
is or how many times you've played it.  It's the first time all over
again.  It's special.  You don't play it for yourself.  It's for them:
the beautiful people screaming and begging for whom they came to see.

The stage lights, the dazzling and brilliant multicolored spotlights,
appear.  The Backstreet Boys, the ones everyone wants to see, appear on
stage, as if by magic, and suddenly the energy level kicks up another
notch.  You're playing the music that nobody notices but everyone
hears.  There is no fear of making a mistake because you know this
music intimately, as you would a lover.

You're in a zone.  You see your friends at the front of the stage
giving absolutely everything they have for the entire two hours.
Through the distant haze and thunder from the occasional pyrotechnics
that send up light showers, and the harsh glare of the lights, you see
them sweating, but never giving up.  You're sweating too from the heat
and exertion; not nearly as much as they are, though you're putting
heart and soul into doing what you love.

You play old favorites and new favorites, fast songs and slow songs,
and as the show starts to wind down, you start to feel tired, but not
incredibly so.  The energy is still intense, but you don't need it
anymore.  You're getting through on your own, still playing for *them*,
but also now for yourself.

Before the final two songs, the rest of the band, your friends, step
forward to receive their applause as they exit.  But you...you don't
quite leave yet.  You are the last, left with the five stars.  It takes
a moment to prepare, but it will be well worth it.  The sea quiets, but
they know what is coming.

For these last two songs, you move to join the five on the front of the
stage.  Or perhaps they join you.  Either way, you give up your
anonymity as they take up instruments-you take your sax-and start the
first of the two songs you wrote together a lifetime ago.

You shine; this is your moment to be noticed and appreciated in the
spotlight, and you revel in it, giving everything you can in those two
songs.  At the very end, you know that some of the applause and
screaming is really for you.  Your emotions are running high as you are
introduced and take your bow.  You exit, not before, but with them,
your friend, for the moment one of them.  A star.

As you head backstage, you slowly come down off that roller coaster.
Your sense of place and time return but you're never quite the same for
having done what you did.  The sights: the lights, the haze, the blur
of faces; the sounds: the lion's roar of the people, the thundering
cannon of the fireworks, the music; it all changes you, makes you crave
it in some fundamental way.  It is an intense experience.*


It was like that all the time.  The funniest thing about it was that I
never thought about the other band members, nor did I ever talk about
this with them.  I don't know if they felt what I did, but for me, it
was a homecoming every night.  This was what I wanted to do.  I loved
doing it so much.  Night after night.  Each night was special.

The replacement band became the official permanent band two weeks into
the tour.  The members of the original band had expressed little
interest in returning.  As a result, the five of us, Meghan, Dennis,
Andy, Jer, and I, were named the band of the future.  Although it
saddened the Boys a little, they soon adjusted.  It was sobering for
all of us, but Andy, Meghan, and Dennis were happy to be a fixture in
the family.  I was glad too, because we worked well as a team.

We traveled most of the way by bus, and since we *were* just the band,
more often than not, we stayed on the bus.  Not that we complained.
Ours was a comfortable bus and the beds were very nice.  Max slept on
my bed, since it was large enough for two.  We had a TV and VCR in the
back, a small kitchen that was always stocked, and plenty of places to
sit and relax when we wanted.  In general, none of us minded, although
sometimes we wished we could stay at the same hotels and stuff that the
guys did.

I found that I spent a lot of my time with Meghan, Andy, and Max.  Max
was such a sweet-tempered dog.  Everyone just loved him to death, and
who could blame them?  He only got protective if someone threatened me
and he knew it was real.  In other words, he never got dangerous.  He
was a smart dog, and just beautiful.  Russet ears, black back, tan
belly and legs, black muzzle, brown face, soulful brown eyes.  He was
also bright and kept out of the way.

Meghan, Andy, and I had kind of an interesting (if slightly boring)
friendship.  They liked to go out with the guys, which was fine, but
the nights they decided to stay in, we would sit around having
philosophical discussions ranging from the composition of the universe
to the existence of God.  Sometimes it'd turn into a debate.  But
whatever it did, it sure brought Andy out of his shell.  He and Meghan
started dating not too long after the tour started, which was kind of
cool development.

I also spent a lot of time with Brian.  He and Jeremiah had fallen into
the comfortable part of their relationship, where they didn't always
have to be around each other.  So, when Jer went out, Brian invited me
up to his hotel room.  Some nights, we'd talk.  Others, we watched
movies or even wrote music.  The first month on the road, we wrote
around a half dozen rough songs.  He showed a real flair for it.

I still found myself wondering from time to time what it would have
been like to be with him.  That all felt like so long ago.  So much had
changed.  But we really put effort into healing all the old wounds.
Since we were both taken, we were able to speak more freely about
relationships and finally, the tension that had been between us from
the beginning started to fade.  For the first time since we had met, we
were able to have a real friendship, with no strings attached.  We got
along naturally, even more so than ever.

I also spent some time with the whole crew, writing songs, like they
wanted.  They all contributed ideas, lyrics, whatever they had in mind.
We couldn't use all of it, but what we could use turned into a lot of
great songs.  I kept the music both in my head and in a box in my bunk.

It's amazing how lonely life on the road is.  You'd never think that,
surrounded by so many people, you could get lonely.  But I was for a
lot of the time.  I missed Alex, I missed being in just one place, and
I missed just feeling secure.  On the road, you're constantly exposed
to new things.  It leaves you a little bit nervous, vulnerable, and out
of your element.  That was the one thing I never quite got used to.

A few weeks into the trip, the interview done by Gabe Williams hit the
magazine.  And, as we had all suspected, it didn't do anything to the
Boys' popularity.  If it did, it was very insignificant, given that Jer
and I were with the band.  Plus, I'd made it abundantly clear that I
wasn't seeing anyone associated with the band, and Jeremiah kept saying
he wasn't seeing anyone.

We meandered our way across the country, passing the northern border to
play in Canada, and then coming back down and going all the way south
to Atlanta.  Eventually, our unhurried, wandering pace pulled us
inevitably out west.  I was looking forward to playing in Denver so
much.  I'd already gotten a pass for Alex and since we had two extra
days there, we'd have some extra time.

The day I was supposed to meet him after the show, I was relaxing with
a book in the dressing room.  Andy and Meghan were curled up together
on one of the couches, not speaking, just taking it easy.  Dennis was
out, and Brian and Jeremiah were somewhere off together, and the rest
were out playing basketball.  I was so deeply absorbed in the book that
I didn't hear the door open behind me.

The next thing I knew, I was being wrapped up by a pair of arms and my
book went flying out of my hands.  I yelped, startled, and heard Alex
laughing behind me.  I stood up, chuckling myself, and grinned into
Alex's eyes.

"I thought you said after the show," I said, punching his arm.  "We
aren't going on for another three hours."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't wait."  He hugged me again.  "It's been way too
long, you know."

"I know."  A throat cleared quietly behind us.  "Oh, Alex, this is Andy
and this is Meghan."

"Nice to meet you," Alex said.  "Josh has told me a lot about you
both."  He grinned.  "All good, no fear."  He took my by the arm and
led me out of the room.  We found a place out of the way and just
talked for the next couple of hours.  We'd have plenty of time later
and over the next two days, so it was unhurried, although Alex did make
the feeble joke that we'd have more time together this time than last
time.

There was nothing really unique about the show we did that
night...well...other than the obvious.  It was like the others, memorable
only for the fact that Alex was there.  I was only able to see him when
I was up front for the last two songs, but it was okay.  He was the
only thing I looked at while I was up there.

After the show, I helped tear down the set and when I got backstage,
there was a group of fans wanting to hang out.  Alex was among them, so
after ten minutes, we took off and went for a long drive around the
city.  When I'd lived in Casper, I'd gone down to Denver quite often.
I liked this city, although I was more a fan of smaller places.
Orlando wasn't so bad, but it was still far too large for my taste.

We ended up at a midnight movie, just because both of us were movie
aficionados.  This one was a good one; it was a kind of psychological
thriller, starring one of my favorite actors.  And, of course, he was
fantastic.  The movie had been canned as cheesy by some of the critics,
but others, the ones I agreed with, said it was great.

"You're staying with me tonight," Alex said, once it was over.  That
was a command, not a question.

"Fine by me," I said.  "I'm a little tired of sleeping on a bus."

"Have you been sleeping on it a lot?"

"Too much.  Since this whole tour started, the band has gotten to stay
in a total of two hotels."  A second after I said it, I realized I was
whining.

Alex laughed, eyes sparkling under the light from the street light.
His car was just ahead.  "My poor baby.  Well, you get to stay with me
at the Hilton tonight.  They have a big comfortable bed for the two of
us."

It was my turn to laugh.  "You've tested it out?"

"Matter of fact, I have."  He grinned sheepishly.  "I got in early this
morning.  I was so excited to get to see you again, so I had plenty of
time to get my room and stuff."

I was slightly overwhelmed, and ridiculously touched.  "Oh," was all I
could say.

"I missed you," he said, taking my hand.  We were sitting in the car
and on the way back to the hotel.  "I've got someone who's going to buy
my business from me in a month, so...so I'm going to move down to Orlando
for sure.  I wanted to talk about that tonight."

"Okay.  What's on your mind?"

"Well, not much really.  I just...I wanted to offer to pay for half the
house, since we're going to be living together."

My eyes flew open and I turned to stare at him.  "You what?"

He nodded, grinning from ear to ear.  "Yeah.  I've given it a lot of
thought.  It's what I want to do.  I want to help you pay for it."

I think my tongue was suffering from vapor lock because it wouldn't
work.  All I do was stare at him dumbly.  I don't think that anyone had
ever offered to do anything like that for me in my life.  Finally, I
found my tongue.  "A-Alex, are you sure?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't."  He seemed a little taken aback
by my surprise.  "Josh, it's no big deal.  I just wanted to do
something to show you how serious I am about this."  With a small,
self-deprecating shrug, he said, "Besides, I'd feel like a moocher if
it was just your house."

Once again, overwhelmed, I could only nod.  "I-If that's what you want,
Alex, I guess you can.  It was just a little unexpected.  That's all."
On reflection, I think what I wanted to say was, something along the
lines of 'I think you're moving way too fast, Alex.  That's all.'

We had arrived at the hotel, so he led me up to the room by the hand.
My bag was over his shoulder as we walked.  Once we got into his room,
he sat me down on the bed.  It sure was a big room and the bed was a
king size.  It was nice too.  The colors were blue and white mostly,
with a little dark green and black in the bed and on the wallpaper.

Anyway, Alex pulled up one of the chairs from the table and sat across
from me.  His eyes were serious.  "Josh, how...how serious do you think
this relationship is?"

Uh-oh.  Why didn't I like the sound of this?  I sighed and thought
carefully for a long moment.  "Well, it-it's a little tough to say.  At
least from my point of view it is.  We've been together for-what?-six
weeks, officially, right?  But in reality, we've only been really
together for a day out of that.  It's kind of hard to say how serious
we are based on that."

He looked disappointed.  "No wonder you were surprised when I offered
to pay for half the house.  Josh, I want you to listen to me carefully.
I...look, I love you more than you can possibly understand.  You're the
first and only thing I think about when I wake up, and the last I think
about when I go to bed.  I spend everyday wondering where you are, and
I spend all evening just waiting by the phone or by the computer.  I
don't do anything else.

"You...you're incredible.  I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do
for you.  You're so beautiful a-and you're charming, funny, and so
smart.  Look, I know you've been let down a lot in life, a-and I know
you've led a difficult life.  There's a lot about you I don't know.
But I want to know you.  I want...forever.  With you."  His voice had
dropped down to a husky whisper as he'd spoken.  A tear coursed down
his cheek, and was joined by another.

I sighed a little, feeling suddenly melancholy.  I loved Alex.  I had
for a long time, but I'd only just started to realize it while on the
road.  But did I love him that much?  That was the question.  Well, the
truth was that I didn't love anyone but him, and maybe that wasn't so
bad.  He was wonderful, smart, and sweet.  He loved me.  And that was
really all that mattered.  I could do so much worse.  I was actually
very lucky to have him.

So, I reached out and brushed the tears off of his cheek.  "Why...why
don't we take it just a day at a time?  Just start with today and see
where it goes.  We can worry about tomorrow when it gets here, and
forever can come when it will."

Alex's eyes lit up.  "You mean that?"

I chuckled.  "Do you really think I would have said it if I didn't?
I've been thinking about this too, you know.  I love you and I don't
love anyone but you, and that's just fine by me."  As I said that, I
felt like I was making the right choice.

"Do you know how lucky I am?"

"Very.  You're very lucky."  I grinned, still a little melancholy, but
willing to go along.

But Alex was serious.  "You have no idea."  Suddenly, he jumped onto me
and tackled me.  We both started giggling like schoolgirls, but soon,
we became quiet, involved in *other* activities.  Unlike the last time,
there was no sense of urgency, no hurry, or desperation.  Time didn't
seem to mean anything.

And once again, when we awoke, there were no regrets.  I was starting
to think there never would be any.  I think that was the turning point
for me, right there.  Waking up that morning, I knew I was where I
belonged.  I just knew, as I watched the slumbering form next to me,
that I didn't really want to be anywhere else.

It had been a difficult road to get there; a difficult year overall.
I'd gone from being in college, to being a school teacher, to being
part of a internationally famous group in the space of nine months.
Plus, I'd found someone I loved and cared a great deal about.  Someone
I was planning to keep.

As we meandered our way through the days, we figured out a lot about
the relationship.  He was quite devoted to it, and I was starting to
finally get the same way.  In a way, it was comforting.  We spent time
alone and with the others.  The only thing that bugged me was that I
kept getting odd looks from Brian, who, on the surface, appeared quite
happy for me.  Sometimes, I wondered what he really thought.

The others were incredibly nice about it.  They all seemed very happy;
AJ particularly so.  He kept telling me that it was about time I'd gone
and gotten myself a man.  That was at a group dinner at a relatively
fancy restaurant.  I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.
We drew together even more tightly, became a group, and Alex was
included in it for keeps.

Alex and I didn't make love again during the time he was down there.
We didn't need to, necessarily.  Even so, the stopover was so short.
It seemed like we'd just gotten there when we were packing the busses
up once again.  This time, I really didn't want to go.  The tour was
relatively young; we still had nearly three more months to go.

"Alex," I sighed, as I threw my last bag back into the bus, "I don't
want to go."

"I know," he said, forcing a smile.  It's amazing how easy it was to
notice something like that.  "I don't want you to go, either."  He
shrugged.  "But don't worry.  When you get back to Orlando, I'll be
waiting."

"That's the only reason I'm going.  I know you'll be there on the other
end."

He smiled genuinely this time.  "That's right.  Don't forget that I
love you and I'll be thinking about you all the time.  Take it easy."

"Same to you.  I don't want anything to happen to you.  I love you,
too, you know."  I didn't smile, just sighed and gave him a hug that
was mostly desperation and longing.  His shirt, a red T-shirt, felt
soft and secure to me.  I really, really didn't want to let go.

He returned the hug hard enough to crush my ribs.  "Remember, I'll be
waiting.  Don't...don't...just remember, okay?"

"I'm not going to replace you, dummy.  Jeez, give me a little credit,
will you?"  I let go and kissed his cheek before climbing on the bus.

Once again, he stood waving while we pulled away.  I waved back until
he was just a small red and blue speck on the horizon.  Sighing, I
turned and walked into the main cabin.  Andy was sitting alone,
writing.  His white-blond hair was pulled back in a small pony-tail at
the nape of his neck.  His bright blue eyes were intently focused,
which was strange.

When he heard walking by, he looked up and smiled, clear-featured face
a study in happiness.  "Friend Josh, how goes it?"

He always spoke like a medieval throwback.  That was another endearing
quality about him.  "It could be better."

"So it seems.  Well, fear not.  You'll get your chance soon enough.
Tell me something.  Are you happy?"

The question wasn't one I'd expected, but I didn't have to think to
deeply to find the answer.  As the bus sailed off west, I smiled and
said, "Yeah, I guess I am."  And that was all that mattered.


********************

I wasn't sure if I'd ever get this done.  At first, I went through a
horrible period of writer's block and I would spend four hours trying
to produce maybe a page or two.  The last went a bit more smoothly,
which was nice, but life got in the way again, and in a big way.  The
last ten or fifteen pages, I was writing because I needed *something*
to do to keep my mind occupied.

As always, questions, comments, dirty jokes, what have you welcome.
The address is joshtay31@hotmail.com.  I do appreciate it.

So now, the question appears to be: are they *ever* going to get
together?  And the answer, of course, is yes, but the title *is*
'Separate Lives' after all.  I can't just have them dive into the sack
together...Brian and Josh, that is.  I realize this part was way more
about Josh than the others, but I make no apologies.  Not too much
happened, but have patience.  Inevitably, it's coming.

For now, though, I'll take my bows (even if stuff is flying at me) and
head offstage for a bit.  The next part shouldn't take as long to
write.  I'm hoping and praying that nothing else happens.  I've had a
rough couple of weeks, and this is really what's keeping me up.  But
that's all. Until next time...ciao.