Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 21:15:41 EST
From: MrN8dog69@aol.com
Subject: Silent Tears...  Chapter 1

A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys.

Disclaimer: This story contains homosexual material about the Backstreet
Boys. In no way however, does it imply anything about their sexuality. It
is completely a work of my vivid and sometimes crazy imagination. If you
are under the legal age to view such material or if you find this
offensive, please leave now. Anyone who does read this story, your
comments are welcomed at MRN8Dog69@aol.com.

Note: I am writing this story as if I myself am Kevin Richardson. Each
chapter will be a specific amount of time in Kevin's life. The story will
be listed in chapter format with each chapter being an entry in Kevin's
journal. Everything that you will read will be Kevin flashing back to as
he's writing his most recent entry. Because of this format, there will be
many chapters, some very short, with others that will be rather lengthy.
Also, throughout the story, there will be short narratives from the guys
themselves to help carry the story. If at any time this story becomes
confusing, please let me know. I will try to keep it as simple as
possible.

Chapter 1: February 23, 2000

Well, it's about 3:30 am here in Los Angeles, and once again I find
myself unable to sleep. Millions of thoughts ransack my mind, each
continuous with the next. Looking through my journal I see that its been
at least a few months since I've gotten a whole nights rest, and my body
seems to be telling me to slow down. However I see no end to my hectic
schedule in the near future. I know that eventually something will have
to give, and in a way I'm waiting anxiously for that day to arrive, this
way I will be forced to slow down. For now however, I have a commitment
to not only myself, but to the group as well. I would be okay with
letting myself down, but I know how much time we've put into the group
and I can't be the one to ruin that for the other guys. For the last
seven years, I've been the member of the group who held everything
together, and now it seems as if I can't even manage to live my life
correctly.

I'm almost thirty years old now, and my life is lacking that certain
something that makes any life complete. My heart is empty, and it grows
even emptier every day. My life is missing the piece of the puzzle that
is the most important in the picture. I'm forbidden to share my true
feelings with any except for myself. I know the people close to me have
picked up on my depression, especially the other guys. We've known each
other so long now that it's hard not to know when someone else is in
pain. None of the guys have said anything yet, but I expect them to soon.
I have a feeling the guys just don't know what to say exactly, and
neither would I, if I was in their place. Some days I project a smile and
a few laughs from the pain which is engulfing inside of me, while other
days I can't seem to even be able to function.

In some ways I feel that if I leave the group, I will truly be happy. I
will be able to live my life the way I want. Say what I want. See whom I
want. If I leave however, it would probably mean the end to the
Backstreet Boys; and what's one person's happiness, mine, compared to
Brian's, Aj's, Howie's, and Nick's, but also all of our fans that have
stuck by us all these years. I believe there is a time where everyone can
be content with his or her present life, and for me my time has not come
yet.

I wish I could talk to the guys about the way I feel, but they would end
up feeling guilty, that I'm putting my their before my own, and I don't
want them to think that. They have worked extremely hard to achieve what
we have and I can't disturb that, no matter how much I'm hurting inside.
One thing I do wish I could do would be to talk with Brian like we did
before the Backstreet Boys. Brian and I were always very close growing up
and often we would sit around and discuss our thoughts. Back then our
problems were, so trivial compared to now. Brian and I haven't talked a
lot since the group got off the ground. We've lost the connection we once
had, and that is what I think hurts me the most. The only time Brian and
I get a chance to really talk to each other alone is when we write songs
together. WE are currently working on a single for the next album. So
far, Brian and I have only finished the first verse to the song, which we
have entitled Silent Tears.

I sit awake night and day

Trying to find a way

To let you know all my

Hopes, thoughts, and Fears

But all I can manage are

My Silent Tears.

So far that's all we managed to get done. It has taken Brian longer than
usual to put my words to music, which is telling me that we've lost that
connection we've once showed. Brain and I used to be able together so
well, that if we were locked in a room for a day with just some paper and
a few instruments we could write at least four good songs. I don't mean
to put all the blame on Brian, because I haven't been able to do my part
as well either. While writing I try to put my feelings in my songs
without letting everyone else know what I'm feeling inside of me
personally.

Its almost 5:00 am now, and I'm still unable to sleep. I'm going to take
a walk around the city hopefully I'll be able to think more clearly with
fresh air. As I end this entry in my journal I am surer of what I'm
looking for in the future. Hopefully, when I find it, I will be ready to
grab it and move on without the group.

Kevin Richardson

February 23, 2000

"Oh shit, I new I would sleep in. The guys are never going to let me live
this down. Kevin gave us explicit instructions to meet him in his room
this morning around nine o'clock, so we could discuss what we had to do
today."

As Brian, quickly dressed, he heard a knock on his door.

"Yea, I know I'm late I'll be ready in a few minutes, is Kevin mad at
me," Brian asked whoever was on the other side of his door.

"Hey Brian, Its us can we come in?"

Brian recognized the guy's voices, and opened the door for the other
guys. All the guys walked in the room and took a seat. Brian knew
something was wrong. He could tell by the somber guise on everyone's
faces. He also noticed that one member of the group was lacking from his
company, Kevin.

"Alright guys, is Kevin that mad at me because I was a few minutes late,
that he didn't come here with you?"

The other three, looked around not sure what to say or who was going to
say it when, Aj spoke up, "Brian, we came here because Kevin's not in his
room. We thought he was here with you, but my your expression we're
wrong."

Brian confused with Aj's news quickly snapped out of it and immediately
knew something was wrong. In no way would Kevin voluntarily miss one of
his own meetings, and with the way he's been acting lately, Brian was
sure something was wrong.

"Alright guys, you know as well as I do, that something has been
bothering Kevin lately and he would never miss a meeting. We have to find
him quickly; we are to be at the Staples Center by noon to rehearse with
Sir Elton John. Nick and Howie, you two start calling everyone we know in
town, and are management. Maybe Kevin checked in with them. Don't forget
to check with the hotel staff. AJ you come with me, we'll start checking
around the hotel and town."

The guys had less than three hours to find Kevin, and get to the Staples
Center. Quickly they all did what Brian suggested, hoping and praying
they would be able to find Kevin.