Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 16:09:51 EST
From: MrN8dog69@aol.com
Subject: Silent Tears... Chapter 2

SILENT TEARS...

A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys

By: N. Davis

Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual
content about the Backstreet Boys. If any way you are offended by this
please leave now. However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know
what you thought of it.

Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have
read, because the chapters will be narrated by Kevin Richardson as his
journal entries. There will be short passages which will be told through
various people to help move along the plot of the story.



Chapter 2: February 23, 2000



Kevin left his hotel room early this morning, seeking someone or
something that would help him to get through each day. On his journey,
Kevin's thoughts circled in his head adding to the confusion and hurt
Kevin was experiencing. As Kevin walked down the dark, dreary, and lonely
street, images of his childhood flashed through his consciousness one
after another.

Kevin was reminded of the days when, he was free. Free to talk to who he
wanted, free to go where he wanted to go without giving it a second
thought. Kevin reminisced about the time Brian and him were young men,
who wee not only related to each other, but also best of friends. Before
long, Kevin had taken a rather lengthy trip down memory lane, and he
strolled quite a bit from the hotel. Lost and now even more confused,
Kevin sat himself down against a wall that had been riddled with
graffiti. Kevin propped himself up against the wall, with his head in his
hands.

Kevin remained in this position for a short period of time, before he
remembered what he placed in his coat pocket before he left the hotel.
Kevin reached his hand inside his jacket and pulled out a bottle of
Souther Comfort which he took form the bar in his room. Almost instantly,
Kevin had consumed the entire bottle of alcohol. Looking at his
surroundings, not sure where he was or how he could get back to the
hotel, Kevin through the empty bottle across the way, creating a load
crashing noise in the silence of the early morning. Kevin looked at the
array of broken glass on the pavement, he saw his life shattered in
pieces like that of the glass. Almost hysterical, Kevin cried out loud as
he began to slip into a state of unconsciousness. Finally, Kevin solved
all his problems, he felt no pain, or sorrow as he passed out on the cold
dark street. Unfortunately, Kevin's solution would not last forever, it
would only cause him more pain in the end.

***

Brian and AJ left Brian's hotel room frantically, worried about Kevin.
Nick and Howie stayed back and started checking with everyone they knew,
who might have talked to Kevin sometime before his disappearance.
Unfortunately with no luck, Howie and Nick became aware that Kevin must
be in serious trouble and the chance of someone finding him within the
next hour was very slim.

Brian and AJ continued their search around the large city, checking some
of Kevin's favorite places to visit. Like the other two, Brian and AJ had
no luck in finding their missing friend.

"Hey AJ, have you guys noticed something wrong with Kevin lately," Brian
asked as he continued to drive around in circles through the city.

After hearing Brian's question, AJ broke his silence for the first time
since they left the hotel, "Hey B, to me Kevin has been distant form the
group for awhile now. Out of all the other guys, except you, Kevin and I
were always confidants. But lately, Kevin doesn't even ask me what's
going on let alone confide in me. I know last year Kevin became really
disassociated from himself and the group. He told me that sometimes he
wishes everything was the same, ai it had been. When I asked him to
elaborate, he told me not to worry, he'll find someway to get through it
on his own, like he always has. I decided it was best if I did what he
wanted, so I left it alone and forgot he said anything at all. We've been
so busy this past year that I haven't spent much time at all around
Kevin. When were on the road, you know as much as I do that Kevin spends
his off time by himself."

"AJ do you think that's why Kevin is so upset? Do you think we exclude
him form the group," Brian asked his friend.

"B, don't do this to yourself. No one is responsible for Kevin's actions.
He knows at any time, he is welcome to hang with us, he chooses to by
himself and for whatever reason he odes this, he needs to sort it out for
himself. It is however up to us to support the decisions he makes..."

As AJ continued answering Brian's question, Brian noticed he had driven
into a bad section of downtown, where the gangs have taken over this part
of the city. Brian's eyes wandered past building after building which was
abandon and left for dead. The broken windows and graffiti which was
prevalent on each building, made Brian think if he had abandon his cousin
and friend like so many people have done with these old buildings. Brian
continued to look at he objects that passed his eye has he continued
driving down the street.

"AJ its no use, we're never going to find Kevin in this big city. We
should probably go ahead and notify our management. We are supposed to be
at the Staples center in twenty minutes to meet with Elton John and
rehearse our number for tonight. We're never going to make it on time."

As AJ picked up the phone to call Howie and let him know what was going
on Brian slammed on the brakes and stopped the car. Quickly he jumped
from the car, telling AJ to hang up the phone and follow him. AJ go out
of the car, and followed Brian across the street into an alley.

"Brian what's all this about," AJ asked as he followed his friend.

"AJ look over there, look in the corner at the person slumped over on the
ground. It's Kevin."

AJ and Brian approached the person who was passed out on the cold
pavement. Upon closer inspection, AJ could see that it was indeed Kevin.
Kevin was hunched over and laying down on the street with his hands under
his head acting as a pillow. Brian noticed the broken whiskey bottle
surrounding his cousin.

"AJ, Kevin must have gone for a walk last night. By the time he reached
this point he was probably to drunk to find his way back to the hotel,"
Brian stated as he pointed out he whiskey bottle form the hotel to AJ's
attention.

"Okay Brian, lets get Kevin back to the hotel, and get him ready for
tonight. He'll have to miss the rehearsal with Elton John, but we can
fill him in on what's going on."

Brian and AJ returned Kevin to the car after trying desperately to wake
him from his drunken slumber. While on the way back to the hospital AJ
called Howie and told him and Nick to head over to the Staples center and
let everyone know that Brian and himself would be there shortly. Kevin is
sick, but he'll be ready to go later.

Brian and AJ returned Kevin to the hotel and gave him some coffee and
aspirin. By this time Kevin was somewhat coherent. Brian gave him strict
instructions to get some rest and when the guys return they'll talk about
what happened. Kevin resisted a little, but still to drunk to do anything
about it Kevin laid down on the couch and fell asleep. Brian and Kevin
waited until Kevin was asleep before they left.

***

About an hour later Kevin was awaken, when the phone began to ring. Still
affected by the alcohol, Kevin's reaction time was slowed somewhat and he
didn't make it over to the phone in time to answer it. Kevin decided to
take a shower, it always helps him to relax. While in the shower, Kevin
heard Brian calling his name form the bedroom of his suite.

"Brian, I'm in the shower, I'll be out shortly," Kevin responded to
Brian's call.

Shortly after, Kevin emerged form the bathroom to find the other four
guys assembled in the livingroom of the suite. Kevin looked around at
each person individually before saying anything. He saw the concern on
Brian's and AJ's faces, while he could tell that they were pissed off
also. Howie and Nick, were there also, but not being as close to Kevin as
the other too, Kevin wasn't able to read their expressions. Kevin knew
something was wrong, but his memory was a little shady at the moment. He
took a seat on the bed and looked at the guys, trying to think of
something to say.

"Kevin, we all know something has been really wrong with you lately. We
don't want to pry into you life, but when you do things like what you did
last night, your actions not only affect your life, but ours as well. If
you don't want to talk about it that's fine but please remember, that
your actions not only affect you."

After listening to Brian's little speech, Kevin thought long and hard of
what to say in his defense. Everyone else waited in anticipation of what
Kevin would say. After a few minutes of serious thought, Kevin was ready.
He got up form the bed and walked over to the mirror. Facing the mirror,
Kevin began to say what he felt. He was hurt and it was about time that
everyone should know why.

"I can't believe you guys come into my room and question my actions. Yes
I've done things that I'm not proud of, never or ever would I do anything
to hurt what we all worked for so much. I'm always thinking about you
guys, and how my life affects yours. I have never put myself above the
group and I never will. My life revolves around us and I won't ever do
anything to disturb that. So I got drunk last night and passed out on the
street. I'm sorry for not laving you guys a note, but I'm not sorry for
what I did. I did what I did, because I needed to do that..."

Kevin was interrupted rudely by Nick, "I'm sick of hearing you whine and
cry Kevin. If your so unhappy then you know how to solve your problem. At
any time you're welcome to leave the group, we don't need you any way,
and at times like this we don't want you."

Nick was speaking only for himself. He got up from his chair and left the
room. Brian, Howie, and AJ looked at each other, shocked by what Nick had
said. No one knew he felt that way towards Kevin. Kevin on the other hand
stood up straight and looked directly into the mirror in front of him. He
took a long look into he mirror, and started sobbing. If only he could
tell everyone that what Nick suggested was what he wanted to do. He
turned to face the other three who were still in shock.

Kevin gathered himself to his usual composure before he stated, "Guys
Nick will be alright. He's just mad and I understand him. Why don't you
guys get ready to go the Grammy Awards. Once everyone's ready we'll meet
here to go over any last minute details. You guys need to fill me in on
our song with Elton John."

Brian confused how Kevin in such a short period of time can go from Kevin
that no one knew anymore to the Kevin who they all could trust; got up
and gave his cousin a hug before leaving to go back to his room. Howie
followed, while AJ remained behind. After everyone was gone, AJ
approached Kevin, who had not moved.

"Kevin, I know something is wrong. When you're ready to talk about it
I'll be here for you. Don't shut me out, Kev."

AJ gave Kevin a quick hug before he left the room to get ready for the
night's events. Kevin waited for AJ to leave before he broke down.
Disturb by what happened already, Kevin took a seat at the desk and took
out his journal. He needed to talk to someone, but he wasn't ready to do
it yet, so once again he would have to rely on his journal.

***

Well, once again I am by myself. I know how the other guys must feel.
I've let them down today. I can't blame Nick for what he said, God it's
the truth. As I look back in my journal over the last year, every entry
say show unhappy I am with the group. But in each entry I make excuses
why I can't leave. Today, Nick showed me that I can leave, whenever I
want. Just as easy as that with no explaining to do. So all these excuses
about not wanting to ruin the group I guess are foolish. If I decide to
leave, the group will be here and they will move on. Maybe in different
directions, but they will move on. It's my life that will come to a halt.
Even though I hate to admit it, I need the group. Without it, my life
will be empty. Sure at first I may be happy with my new found freedom,
but what will come of me after that.

Nick showed be today that I don't really want to leave the group. If I
did I could have awhile ago. I guess deep down I always knew that, but in
order for me to continue in my unhappiness I had to make excuses about
who my leaving would ruin the group. Who knows If I decide to step down,
maybe the group will excel even more? Am I holding the other guy's back?

For whatever reason I have decided to stay this long, I'm glad I did.
Yes, I'm not happy, but if I would've left would I be happy now? Probably
not. I just want everything to be like it was when I was happy. I wish I
could write my songs and perform them without the confusion on my outside
life getting involved. Today I realized that I don't think I'll ever be
as happy as I was. I've always felt that everyone, sometime throughout
their life will find happiness. Maybe the happiness I found as a kid and
as a young man was the happiness that I was meant to have. Some people
have lousy childhoods, and grow up to find all the happiness they could
want. But with me I've already found my happiness, maybe its my time to
experience the pain of life. Either way I'm sure that happiness will find
me again somehow and somewhere. If I am unhappy I guess I have no one to
blame but myself. If I'm unhappy it's up to me to fix it and find the
happiness I once had.

Whenever I find what I'm looking for I will know my life has truly come
full circle. I must put this last year out of my head and work on fixing
my life. This means getting back to writing and making music. If that
doesn't solve my problems then I'll realize that I have to search for
something else that will

Kevin Richardson

February 23, 2000