Date: 30 Mar 2000 20:30:27 -0800
From: Nate Davis <author@backstreetboys.com>
Subject: Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys   Chapter 3

Silent Tears....
A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys.
By N. Davis

 Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual
content about the Backstreet Boys.  If any way you are offended by this
please leave now.  However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know
what you thought of it.

 Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have
read, because the chapters will be narrated by Kevin Richardson as his
journal entries.  There will be short passages which will be told through
various people to help move along the plot of the story.


Chapter 3: Grammy Night

After Kevin finished preparing himself for the big night, he decided that
it was time to apologize to each member of the group privately.  Not sure
who to approach first, he went to Howie's room. Kevin and Howie were never
really close, so he decided that starting with Howie would be the easiest.
Hoping that Howie, would let Kevin say what he needed to say, Kevin left
his room for Howie's suite which was two suites down across the hall.

"Hey D, its me Kevin.  Can I talk to you," Kevin asked from outside the
door to Howie's suite.

Howie, shocked by Kevin's appearance at his door, waited a few minutes
before replying to Kevin's question.  Stunned that Kevin had the nerve, to
come and see him, Howie felt he had to at least hear him out.  Howie turned
off the television which he was watching before Kevin's unexpected visit
and opened the door for his friend.  Without saying a word, Howie waled
back to his chair and resumed his position he was in before Kevin had
knocked on the door.  Not sure, what to say, Kevin followed Howie into the
room and shut the door behind himself.

"Hey D, there is no good excuse for my actions lately," Kevin sad as he sat
down across from Howie.  "I know lately I've been acting like as asshole,
and I want to apologize for what I've said and done."

Looking up at Kevin for the first time, Howie replied, "Kevin I know that
lately you've been rather distracted.  All the guys have noticed or at
least I think they have.  We have been so busy lately that no one wants to
bring it up.  We all figured you'll tell us when your ready.  Kevin if you
don't want to talk to us about it, maybe you should see a shrink or
something, before what happened last night happens again."

Kevin could tell my the tone of Howie's voice that he was still upset with
what happened last night.  One thing that Kevin did know about Howie was
how stubborn he was.  No matter what Kevin said, Howie wouldn't listen
until he was ready.  Knowing how Howie felt Kevin decided to cut his loses
and not waste anymore of Howie's or his own time and energy.  He thanked
Howie for his time and showed himself out.

Once in the hallway Kevin decided it was time to talk with Nick.  Because
of the age difference, Kevin and Nick didn't have many things in common.
That's not to say they don't like each other, but other than when they have
to, Kevin and Nick never spent any time

Kevin stood outside of Nick's door for a few minutes before knocking.
Several times he changed his mind and walked back towards his room, but
each time he found himself returning to the outside of Nick's hotel room.
After debating his decision a few times, Kevin finally decided to knock on
Nick's door.  Surprisingly, Nick yelled for Kevin to come in.  Kevin a
little taken by Nicks response, entered the room at Nick's response.

When Kevin walked into the room, Nick was getting dressed for the show.
Kevin sat down on the bed, unsure of how to start.  He fumbled through a
magazine that was on the stand next to the bed.  Just as Kevin was about to
speak, he was interrupted by Nick.

"Kev, we don't have a lot of time before we have to leave, and I'm running
a little behind schedule.  Lets make this easy on both of us," Nick said as
he turned to face his friend.  "I'm sorry about what I said earlier.  I
can't imagine the BSB without you.  Over the last seven years, I've always
admired your strength and intelligence.  If it wasn't for you there would
be no BSB.  I can't even recall how many fights and tough times you got us
through.  Each of us plays an important role in the group, and you are the
glue that holds us together.  I was just angry this afternoon, because you
scared me when you were missing.  I know we've never been really close, but
I do think of you as a brother and when we couldn't find you I got scared.
My way of dealing with it was to yell at you like I did.  Believe me,
that's not the way I really felt, you can even ask the other guys."

As Nick finished, he took a seat next to Kevin on the bed.  Kevin's
confusion was clearly visible in his facial expression as he tried to say
what he felt.  Kevin was never really good at expressing emotions unless he
was writing a song.  Moments later, Kevin gave Nick a quick hug, whispered
the words thank you.  Kevin got up form the bed and walked towards the
door.

Just before leaving, Kevin turned to Nick, "Hurry up and finish getting
ready.  This is one event you are not going to make us late for, Kevin said
as his flashed a quick smile at Nick before he left.  Once in the hallway
Kevin looked at his watch and saw that the boys were scheduled to leave in
twenty minutes for the Staples Center.  Because of the short amount of time
the guys had to finish getting ready, Kevin decided he would talk to AJ and
his cousin later after the show.  Quickly, Kevin returned to his room to
freshen up a little before leaving.

About fifteen minutes later, Brian, Howie Nick and AJ all arrived at
Kevin's door.  Just as they were about to nock Kevin opened his door.

"Well, guys you ready to win some Grammy," Kevin asked.

In unison, all the guys said, "Yes."  "Good then lets go."

Kevin closed his door behind himself as he and the other guys left for the
show.

*****************************************************************************

The ride to the arena was pretty quiet.  The guys, still a little shaken up
with the days events, just sat back and enjoyed the ride in the limo to the
arena.  AJ was reading a program for the night's events when he happened to
look up at Kevin who was staring out the window with a grin that spread his
face from ear to ear.

"Hey B, what's up with Kev," AJ whispered to Brian, as he pointed towards
the smiling Kevin.

Brian looked towards Kevin for a brief moment before returning his
attention back to AJ whispering, "I don't know Bone, he seems to be
daydreaming about something.  And whatever it is, I haven't seen Kevin with
an honest smile like on his face for some time now.  Whatever it is that's
making Kevin that happy, I wish there was more of it."

By this time Howie and Nick happened to realize what Brian and AJ were
secretly talking about to themselves.  Before any of them could say
anything, the limo driver let the guys know that they would be arriving in
less than five minutes.  After Kevin heard the limo driver's message, he
suddenly snapped back to reality.  Aware now that AJ, Brian, Howie, and
Nick were staring at him, Kevin's started to blush.

"What did I forget to do something," Kevin asked the other guys
sarcastically.

Not sure what to say the other guys looked at one another to respond to
Kevin's question.  After a few seconds without an answer to his question,
Kevin asked again.

"Well buddy, we noticed that since we left the hotel you've had this huge
grin on your face, and that you were daydreaming.  The guys and me, we just
wondering what you were thinking about," AJ responded. "But if you don't
want to tell us that's fine and we understand you want your privacy."

"Well AJ, if you guys must know I was thinking about the first time, all of
us rode in a limo together.  Do you guys remember what happened," Kevin
asked as he looked directly at his cousin.

All of a sudden Kevin was not the only one with a grin that spread from ear
to ear.  Instead of staring at Kevin, everyone focused their attention
towards Brian.

"Alright Kev, you got me.  But I thought we all agreed to forget that ever
happened and put it behind us."

"Hey, just remember that you are the one who wanted to know what I was
thinking about."  "Okay, Okay everybody its time to make our entrance.
Everyone get ready to smile," AJ said as the limo pulled up outside the
arena entrance.

The guys filed out of the limo one after another, waving to all their fans
who have assembled outside of the arena just to catch a glimpse of them.
After pausing numerous time for publicity photos and short interviews with
various people.  After about twenty minutes on the red carpet the guys made
it into the arena, and to their seats.

At five minutes till 8 everyone who was not already in their seats, took
their assigned seats and waited patiently for the show to begin.  The boys
went backstage near the end of the first hour to get ready for their
performance.  The guys decided that they would do a tribute to other bands
before performing their third number one hit form the Millennium album,
Show Me the Meaning Of Being Lonely.  Kevin hated performing this song
live.  Every time he performed this song he wanted to cry, and tonight
would be no different.  Hopefully he would be able to hold his tears back
form the cameras.  He has become an expert at hiding his true feelings this
past year, why should tonight be any different.

All the guys huddled together backstage, chatting with one another.  Kevin
was a little quieter than the other four.  Throughout the night so far,
he's been thinking up the next verse of Brian and his' song, Silent Tears.
The producer told the guys to relax, they had another fifteen minutes
before their performance.

"Brian Can I talk to you for a minute," Kevin asked as the guys started to
move around backstage.

"Sure what's up," Brian asked hoping that Kevin was returning to his old
self again.

"Well, you know that song were working on, I've written the second verse
tonight, during the show, I think we should get together sometime next
week, to put it to music.  When are you free?"

Hesitating a little, Brian tried to avoid his cousin's question.  How could
he break it to him that he thought the song was stupid and that they should
abandon it and start on something else.  Brian didn't want to hurt Kevin's
feelings, but the first verse wasn't any good, and Kevin hasn't had the
creative touch lately.  Realizing that Kevin was waiting patiently, Brian
tiptoed around the subject.

"Kev, I'm not sure yet, what's going on next week, can I get back to you,"
Brian replied shyly.

"Sure, but I feel really good about this song, I'm thinking it could be a
single for the next album."

Brian didn't know what to say to Kevin, so he just nodded in approval and
walked away to avoid talking about the song anymore.  He joined the other
three guys who were getting some water.  The producer said they had about
two minutes till their performance so they should take their places.  The
guys all lined up and were ready to begin.  Just as Rosie announced them
the music started and the guys began their tribute to other bands, before
moving to the other side of the stage.  Once their they finished their
tribute and began to sing Show Me The Meaning... .

Brian started the song off singing the first half of the first verse.  AJ
finished the first verse followed by the chorus.  Kevin's solo was up next.
After the chorus, Kevin stood up form his stool and belted out the words of
his solo...

Life goes on as it never ends Eyes of stone Observe the trends They never
say forever gaze for me

Kevin belted out the lyrics, like he's never have in the past.  Kevin out
so much energy into his solo that Nick, who finishes the second verse, was
so stunned he almost couldn't sing his part of the song.  Kevin looked out
into the audience and for a brief second, he thought he saw his father
standing on the balcony of the upper level of the arena.  All this was to
much for Kevin to take in, and without warning a few tears ran down his
check and rolled down past his chin.  He managed to regain his composure
and finish the song.  As soon as the camera were off the band, Kevin ran
backstage and outside for fresh air.

"You guys what happened to Kevin out there," Nick asked as the guys walked
backstage."  "His performance was so emotional, and blew me away.  I almost
couldn't sing my part."

"Well it would've mattered anyway Nick, no one heard you over the
thunderous applause Kevin got after his part.  The audience drowned you
out," AJ replied.

Once backstage the guys, looked for Kevin but couldn't see him.  No one
backstage knew where went when he left the stage, and the guys started to
get worried. AJ could see the concern on the other guy's faces and he was a
little worried himself.

"Guys remember what Kevin said earlier, he would never do anything to
jeopardize the group.  We all know how emotional this song is for him and
his father.  He'll be fine.  Just lets get back to out seats and Kevin will
join us, I believe that he'll be okay.  Just give him the space he needs,"
AJ told the rest of the guys.

"Yea lets just hope he didn't bring any alcohol with him tonight, or we may
never find him," Howie said sarcastically in response to what AJ had said.

"That's enough Howie, Kevin's my cousin and I won't hear another bad word
about him, Brian shouted."  Noticing people were listening Brian lowered
his voice and rather angrily added, "We've all done things were not proud
of and Kevin is no different.  He apologized to us and AJ's right, we need
to trust him.  Lets just go back to our seats, and wait for Kevin.  He's
probably just a little nervous about performing with Elton John tonight,
you know Kevin has always looked up to him."

At the next commercial break, the guys headed back to their seats, each one
thinking the worst, although no one would admit it. Before they left
backstage, Brian sent someone to try to find Kevin.  He couldn't tell no
one he was worried about Kevin's disappearance, he had to be the one to
keep the group's spirits up.

 *****************************************************************************

	With tears, flowing down his face, and running past his chin, Kevin
ran off stage, as soon as the song was over.  All he could see was his
father sitting in the audience, Kevin missed his father more than anyone
could imagine.  Its been awhile since his father's death, but Kevin was
still not able to overcome the void left in his life by his father's
death. Kevin needed some time alone, so before the other guys got
backstage, Kevin made his way to the basement of the Staples Center.
Normally, this would have been blocked off, workers were busy, carrying
backgrounds down into the storage areas.  Kevin was able to sneak past the
guards, without anyone seeing him.  Once in the basement amongst all the
confusion, Kevin was able to walk around undetected.  After walking down, a
dark hallway, Kevin seemed to be lost.  He passed by a few different doors
all of which were locked.  As he got closer to a large black door at the
end of the hall, Kevin could hear some piano cords being played.  Once
Kevin reached the door, he tried the handle to see if it was unlocked.
Luckily it was, so Kevin cracked the door just enough to see a young man
sitting in the corner of a small barely lit room, playing a piano and
writing down notes on paper.

Kevin slipped into the almost dark room unnoticed (or so he thought) and
just listened to the young man's music.  The echo from the room made the
beautiful melodies sound terrible, but Kevin could hear the raw talent
coming from the young man.  After about fifteen minutes or so, or writing
and playing, the young man started to play and sing his song that he
obviously wrote.  Coincidently, the song was about the loss of someone in
this young man's life.  Kevin curled into he corner just listening to the
song.  Tears once again began to form in Kevin's eyes, but this time he was
determined not to cry.  He quietly got up, out of the corner, and went to
leave.

"Going so soon are you," a voice asked?

Stunned, Kevin turned around to face the young man behind the piano.  Kevin
stood facing the guy, not able to utter a single sound.

"Hi, my name is Andrew, but you could call me Drew," the young man said as
he stretched his arm to shake hands with Kevin.

Kevin reached out his arm also to meet Drew's.  As the two shook hands,
Kevin tried to utter his name.  But he did not need to mention it for Drew
knew who he was.

"Kevin if you have the time, I would love for you to stay.  I would love to
know what you thought of my song.  I have some other Sings I could play for
you also."

"Drew, I think form what I heard already, your a talented songwriter and
singer, but I have to go.  I'm supposed to be performing with Elton John in
a few minutes.

"Really, I would love to play with him, someday.  He's my idol you know.
I've always wanted to be bale to play the piano like he could, but I don't
think anyone can. Anyway I really wish you could stay longer, but I know
your busy.  Good luck"

"Yeah thanks Drew," Kevin replied.  As Kevin turned to leave he couldn't
help get that song out of his head.  Kevin turned to Drew and said, "Why
don't you give me your number and next time, I'm in town, I'll give you a
call and we could get together."  Drew gave Kevin his number, knowing that
he would probably never hear form Kevin again.  Kevin took the number and
left in a hurry.  The guys and him were on next.  Kevin got to the
backstage area where the other guys were with two minutes to spare.


"Hey guys, I'm sorry it took me so long," Kevin said as he approached the
guys.  He knew they were probably pissed with him for disappearing without
telling them where he went.

"Kevin where did you go, Brian asked angrily."

I'll tell you guys after the show, Kevin replied in a tone that the all the
guys noticed.  After seven years the guys could tell when one of them
didn't want to talk about something by a certain tone in their voice.
Moments later, the Boys were called on stage to perform with Elton John.
All of the guys were honored that they were chosen by Elton John himself,
but especially for Kevin this was a dream come true.  He always loved
Elton's music and admired how Elton had managed to continue his success so
many years after he began.  Somewhere deep down Kevin wished that twenty
years from now he would still have the success that he had today, but he
knew that a career as a Backstreet boy was not to be his destiny.  It was
merely a stepping stone to his true destiny, one that Kevin knew he would
eventually find.

After the boys' performance, they returned to their seats for the remainder
of the show.  The boys were up for a few awards that evening, but
unfortunately by the show's end, the boys came up a little short in the
award category.  However, after the show, all of them headed to a party
that they were throwing.  A few weeks before, the guys decided to throw a
post-grammy party.  They rented a mansion near Los Angeles for the event.
After the show the boys made their way to the party which had already
began.

On their way to the party, all the guys were pretty much quiet in the limo.
Kevin, still excited from performing with Elton John stared at the world as
it passed by the windows.  Due to the Grammys the traffic was very heavy in
Los Angeles.  Seeing that they would be on the road a little longer than
expected, Howie decided to speak up.

"So, Kevin where did you go tonight when you disappeared?  I never knew you
moonlighted as a magician.  Maybe on the next tour we can have 'Kevin the
Magician' open for us."

Kevin pretended not to hear Howie's sarcastic comments.  Why should have to
explain to anyone where he went after their performance?  Is he not an
adult?  Kevin continued to stare out the window looking at all the other
limo's passing by, while the other guys were anticipating Kevin's response.
With nothing being said from Kevin, Howie once again started trouble.

"What first you disappear and now you've become a mute.  Maybe you can sign
all of our songs at the next concert, since you can no longer speak," Howie
said sarcastically.

Kevin still quiet, looked at the others in the limo.  He didn't have to
explain himself to anyone.  But in order to get along Kevin ignored Howie's
previous comment.  "Guys, I'm sorry about running off stage tonight.  You
all know how much that song means to me, and tonight while I was singing, I
thought I saw my father sitting in the balcony watching me.  I guess it was
to much for me to take.  I needed to get some air, so I snuck out the back
stage entrance and walked around outside to collect my thoughts.  I would
have been back sooner, but I managed to get myself lost in the basement of
the building.  I should have waited till you guys got backstage before I
left, but I didn't want anyone back there to see me cry..."

Before He could finish, Nick interrupted him by saying, "Good thing you
didn't have any alcohol on you, or we'd still be out looking for you."

Nick's comment was meant as a joke.  He always tried to cheer up the group
when they were down.  Unfortunately, due to Howie's previous comments,
Kevin didn't find Nick's comments amusing in the slightest.  In fact Kevin
was hurt by the comment Nick made.  After their discussion earlier, Kevin
thought everything was alright between Nick and himself.

"Maybe your right Nick, maybe I should have just left the arena and got
plastered.  Maybe I should just go back to the hotel tonight.  I don't feel
like being around you or anyone else tonight anyway."

Before, Nick could tell Kevin he was only joking, Kevin told the limo
driver to pull over.  They were only a few blocks from the hotel, and he
could walk the rest of the way.  As Kevin got out of the limo, Brian and AJ
tried to persuade him to get back in and come to the party.  Kevin kept
walking, ignoring his friends.  The guys watched as Kevin walked back to
the hotel until they couldn't see him anymore.

"You guys I'm sorry I only meant it as a joke to liven everything up.  I
didn't mean to offend him or anything.  Do you think he'll be alright?"

"Nick, I know Kevin will be okay physically, but emotionally I think he's
going to need our help.  He is the glue that holds us together.  Without
him, we wouldn't be here.  At the end of this tour, with the exception of
AJ we'll have a lot of extra time on our hands.  I think we seriously need
to find out what is bothering Kevin and what we can do to help him," Brian
stated.

The guys all agreed, even Howie.  He and Kevin were never really close, but
he was still a friend who needed his help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kevin made his way to his suite.  It was
still early but Kevin decided to turn in for the night. Before going to
bed, Kevin reached in his desk where he had kept his journal.  Once again
he needed someone to talk to and once again he was alone, so he would have
to rely on his journal for companionship.

*****************************************************************************

Well this is my third entry today, and my problems are still here.  I love
performing with the guys, but it's not enough anymore.  I need more out of
life.  I have decided after this tour to stay on with the group, but I will
be stepping down as the "leader".  From this point on, I will sing and
write songs, but no longer will I have anything to do with the decisions of
the group.  I have decided to stick it out with the group until the end
though.  I've made a commitment to the group and the record company, and my
promises are always kept.

 Dad, I know that the person I saw tonight was really you, and I know
you're watching over me.  I want you to know that I appreciate it.  Please
continue to protect me.  I know you know how much I loved you, I'm just
sorry that I didn't get the chance to tell you myself, before you died.

Tomorrow I will tell the guys and our manger my decision about my position
in the group.  I'm gonna recommend that Howie take my place.  Nick and
Brian are to naive and with AJ going out on tour himself, he can't be
bothered with all these small trivial things.  Plus this will keep Howie
from bothering me.  Hopefully, this will give more time to develop my
material for the next album.  It will probably be the last BACKSTREET BOY
cd so I want it to be the best it can.

Kevin Richardson
February 23, 2000.
*****************************************************************************

Everyone: I want to apologize for taking so long to post the third chapter
of my story.  After rereading chapter two I wasn't happy with the direction
story was going.  I hope that in the future I will be able to post each
chapter about a week apart.  However, I don't know if I will be able to
keep up with that pace.  I want to thank everyone who sent me email.  Once
again complaints along with questions are welcome also.  Comments can be
sent to author@backstreetboys.com