Date: 11 May 2000 13:43:57 -0700 From: Nate Davis Subject: Silent Tears: Epilogue Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys By: N. Davis Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual content about the Backstreet Boys. If any way this offends you please leave now. However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what you thought of it. Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read, because Kevin Richardson will narrate the chapters as his journal entries. There will be short passages, which will be told through various people to help move along the plot of the story. Epilogue Brian sat alone in his large suite in the hotel, only a few rooms away from Kevin's. He had just gotten off the phone with his mother, and Kevin's mother. Brian stared out the balcony looking into the dark city lights and the empty street below him. He knew that it would only be a matter of time, before the hotel would be swamped with reporters and fans. Unsure himself what made Kevin reach the point that he did, Brian had no clue what he was going to tell the press. AJ, Nick, and Howie were busy calling friends to let them know what happened before they heard it on the news for themselves. After the police and the paramedics left, Brian phoned his parents in Kentucky. Emotionally unstable, Brian was barely able to utter the words from his mouth. It's been an hour now, since Brian talked with his family, and he has yet to understand any more now than he did then. The family had so many questions as to what happened. What made Kevin do what he did? What made him leave rehearsal earlier that afternoon? Who called Kevin on the phone? Alas, Brian could not give his family the answers they were looking for. Kevin's family was on their way to Los Angeles, and Brian didn't have long to come up with some answers. He failed his cousin, by not being here for him; he could not disappoint this family anymore. Desperate for answers, as to what happened from the time Kevin left the rehearsal earlier that afternoon, till the moment the guys had found Kevin, Brian went to search Kevin's room. "NOoooo. Kevin we're here let us help you please. Kevin stop," Brian, screamed out into the empty room. Two days after, Kevin's death, thousands of reporters and fans, lined the small streets in Kevin's hometown. Friends and family all gathered together in a tiny church to mourn the loss of someone they all cared so much for. Brian and the AJ started the ceremony off with a miraculous acoustic rendition of Amazing Grace. The service lasted for a little over two hours, with friends of Kevin's tell each other what Kevin meant to them. The last person to speak was Brian. Seated in the first row, Brian made his way to the front of the church. Silent for a moment, Brian looked out over the mourners, and then looked over at the casket. Brian stepped away from the podium and walked towards the casket containing his cousin. Once over the open casket, Brian bent down to his cousin and whispered, "Kevin, I know what you were trying to tell us. I believe that you would want everyone to know, so I'll be your messenger." Before returning to the podium, Brian took a silver ring form his thumb and exchanged it with one that Kevin was wearing on his thumb. Now back at the front of the church, Brain looked at everyone, while wiping a single tear from his eye. "Two days ago, I lost the most important person in my life. My cousin was taken from me, and I never realized how much I had left to learn from him until another friend of mine showed me. After Kevin's death, I blamed myself for not being there for my cousin. I thought that if I only would have listened to Kevin more I could have helped him when he needed me. But what I realized was that it wasn't Kevin's pleas for help I wasn't hearing it was what he was trying to teach us. Yesterday, I was going through Kevin's things, and surprisingly, I found something unexpected. I came across a journal that Kevin had started years ago, when we got together as a group. Each day, sometimes, twice or three times, Kevin would write down what he was feeling, what he was thinking. What I'm going to say, may astound and shock you, but I feel that Kevin would want everyone to know. First of all, we all know Kevin, was very distraught with the death of his father. What we didn't know was how much he hurt deep inside. At first, Kevin's pain was eased, by his participation in the group. However over the last year and a half, the group did not subdue Kevin's pain anymore. A few days before he died, Kevin came to us, telling us that after the next album, he would be quitting the group. He never told us why; he only told us that he has finally found something that would make him happen again, and unfortunately he could not have both. He decided to have his happiness. Kevin's life came to an end long before he could ever find his happiness, but I hope now that he's found what he was looking for. Recently, Kevin admitted to himself that he was gay. He met someone, who showed him what it was to be happy. This person gave Kevin the strength to admit the secret he was hiding from everyone including himself. Once out in the open, Kevin was not ashamed of being gay. He didn't tell any of us, because he didn't want to ruin our careers. Once again, Kevin placed others before himself, like so many times before. I want to share something Kevin wrote down in his journal with all of you '... His eyes were the looking windows into his soul. I could tell he cared for me, Kevin Richardson, the person, not Kevin Richardson, the Backstreet Boy. When we shard that first kiss, my world stopped. I was free, finally free of everyone and everything.' My cousin's happiness was ripped from him when, he received a call the other day, telling him that his friend was died. Kevin rushed to the hospital that day, to get a letter that his friend wrote before he died. In this letter, Drew, reminded Kevin that death and loss can be overcome with love. When Kevin found out that the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was killed, the pain in his heart was too much to bear. Kevin killed himself because he felt that was the only way he could ever be happen again. I realized that I could listen to whatever Kevin had to say, but in the end, I couldn't bring Drew back. And without Drew, Kevin would've never been happy. I don't approve of Kevin's suicide, but I do understand how alienated he felt. As a society, we're always quick to condemn others for not being what we want them to be. And when we find that someone has their own expectations out of life, we criticize them for being what, a unique person, for not conforming to our beliefs? I have decided not to let, what everyone else thinks rule my life. I've been trying to find out the best time to say this, and yesterday, I decided when better than the present. I to am gay. I'm proud of who I am. I've never been any prouder of my cousin or myself than I am today. Before I go I want to share something with all of you that I came across last night, I found this quote in Kevin's journal. Kevin wrote: No matter, what decisions I make, or what I do in my life, if someone truly loves and cares for me, that love can never be diminished. They don't have to approve of everything I do, or say, but they must always love me. Well, Kevin I love you for being just who you are, and I hope you know that now. Tomorrow when I wake up, I wonder if I'll be able to find anyone who will still love me for being the person that I am." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The room was dark and silent. Before going to bed, Kevin had left the French doors leading out to the balcony open, and the occasional breeze from the ocean would bring a chill to Kevin's body. It had only been a few hours since Kevin had told the others about his decision to leave the group. Restless and bothered by his dream, Kevin tossed and turned relentlessly, tearing at his sheets on the bed. Quietly, he repeated to himself over and over again, "I love you Brian." A strong wind blew into the room that sent Kevin into an awkward state of bewilderment. He wasn't fully awake yet, but he was coherent with his surroundings. Kevin walked from his bed over to the balcony, looking at the city around him. He was reminded of his dream when Brian asked, "Tomorrow when I wake up, I wonder if I'll be able to find anyone who will still love me for being the person that I am." Kevin knew that no matter what Brian or any of the others ever did, he would always love them like brothers. However he was unsure of how they would react to him after they found out he was gay. Kevin continued to look out at the dark and desolate city around him, when out of nowhere he heard, "Son, its time to be the person you were meant to be. I'm sorry that I'm not there to guide you, but remember I will always love you." Kevin recognized his father's voice through the wind and a smile crept across his face. He knew it was time to tell everyone. This is who he was; it's who he was meant to be. He knew the consequences of keeping all his feelings to himself. He lived them first-hand in his dream that was more like a nightmare. Kevin would never let himself get to the point that he was so lost that he would take his own life, like so many other young gay men who've struggled with their sexuality. Kevin had been given a second chance, and he was determined to make the best of his newfound freedom. Kevin walked off the balcony into the room, this time shutting the doors behind him. When Kevin pulled the doors shut, to him it was as if he had stepped into a new chapter of his life, while shutting out the past. He walked over and got back into bed. Quickly he fell fast asleep, and for the first time, without any disturbances, Kevin quickly drifted off to sleep. Well, everyone there it is. I'm sorry for the long delay. This is not the ending that I planned, but it turns out that I like this better anyway. I'm sorry for not answering any emails after chapter six. I deleted them before I read them on accident. Please accept my apology and email me again. I'm starting to work on my next story. If anyone's interested email me and when I think of the title for my next story, I will email it to you. Once again any comments are welcome at author@backstreetboys.com.