The Scoop: Alright, it's been too long. Time to get the ball rolling so to speak. I suggest you go back and have a look at chapter 7 before you continue. That is if you really give a shit. Your life, I ain't gonna tell you what to do.

Scoop

Chapter 8 - The fuck ups.

The Slip:

"Thanks, now let's go eat." I reached my hand out to him and he took it in his own. I smiled at him and he gladly returned it.  That smile. It brightens up his beautiful face so much. How could I not love -  Oh fuck... I didn't just say that, did I?

'So how do I handle this mess,' I asked myself.

I gotta admit, things are not going the way I wanted them. Yes, I've got a great career. Yes, I had Nick. And yes, I'm here in bed with Justin. Actually, that does sound like it's going the way I want. So why do I feel like everything is coming crashing down around me?

Might have something to do with Brian's little visit earlier. I never meant to hurt Nick, not a lot anyway. How was I supposed to know he was going to fall in love with me? I didn't ask him to! And how was I supposed to know that he was going to become an emotional wreck when I left? I wasn't, right?

Question is, if I had known, would I still have had a 3 month long sex-a-thon with him? Hate me if you must, but yes. That boy was amazing in bed. He was even better than Justin.

Ahh yes. Justin. Sweet, innocent Justin. Gorgeous, amazing Justin.

OK, this is a bad line of thought. I blocked my earlier slip (see 'the slip') out of my mind all through dinner, and I definitely wasn't going to think about it while he was sucking my cock But now...

Now, laying here next to him as he sleeps. His perfect face, with those beautiful lips. The golden hair. The body!

Damn it! Why couldn't that be all I saw? Problem is, it isn't all I see. Whenever I look into his eyes I can see his innocence. I see his intelligence, and bright personality. I see the love he's developing for me. Whenever he smiles or gets excited I get this fuzzy, warm feeling inside of me that I haven't felt since...

Yeah.

I push the covers back and get out of bed. Justin stirs as a cool draft touches his angelic frame. I smile and glance at him. The moonlight shining through the open window shows the outline of his form perfectly and I am drawn into it. I can feel myself start to melt.

Fuck! No, none of that, I can't let that happen. I'm not staying here tonight, and I'm not falling in love with Justin. I'm not falling for anyone, again. 

I don't need to be hurt like that. Not again.

I exit the bedroom and walk down the hallway to the bathroom, moving quietly so I don't wake JC as I pass by his room. I do my business, flush the toilet, wash my hands and head back to the room.

What I need to do is leave. I need to go somewhere I can be alone so I can think of how to handle all this.

"What are you doing sweetie?"

I stop pulling on my sock and look behind me. Justin is sitting up in bed, leaning against the headboard.

"Sorry Justin, didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh? Just going to leave without telling me?"

There's the killer: that hurt look in his eye. Every time I see that, I can't help but let him have his own way.

Not this time.

"I didn't see the point in waking you. You looked so peaceful I would have felt bad." Yeah, that sounds good.

"Wh-where are you going?"

I grab my jacket and head for the bedroom door. Justin jumps out of bed and follows me, naked as the day he was born. I have to resist looking back or I won't be able to keep going.

"Well, where are you going?" His voice was sounding a little scared.

"I need to do some thinking. I'm going to stay at my place for awhile."

"Oh." 

I turned the door knob but Justin placed his hand on the door to keep me from opening it. I didn't look at him. I couldn't.

"Please look at me." Shit.

It took all the mental discipline I have ever managed to accumulate, but I looked him square in the eyes and not below the neck.

"Does this have anything to do with Brian's visit? Is it about Nick?"

He looked so scared, so... frustrated.

"A little, yeah."

It was hard to tell if that relieved him or made him feel worse.

"Is... is it about me?"

"Justin it's about..." I sighed, not sure how to put this so I could stay neutral. "It's about me Justin. I need to do some thinking about myself. I need to figure out how I'm going to handle things."

"Handle things?" His eyes were getting more reflective in the moonlight. Great, just great. Now he's going to cry on me. "You mean, how you're going to go about getting rid of me and going back to Nick."

"Hey! I am not going back to Nick. That is not going to happen."

I thought I had made him feel better, but he looked like I had kicked him in the stomach. The tears started to flow and his breathing became a little less steady.

"But you're still going to get rid of me, right?"

Oh for -  "Justin, why do you have to read in to everything? I just said I have to do some thinking, couldn't you have left it at that?"

He took his hand off the door and backed away from me. I thought for sure JC would pop his head around the corner and be down over the stairs any second. He was a little nosey at times.

"OK, I'm sorry. Go, think." He dried his face with the back of his hand. "You know where I'll be."

"Thank you." I opened the door and stepped across the threshold. "Good... goodnight."

I started to pull the door through when I heard the vocalization of what I already knew. "I love you Jeff."

Stop. That's how everything felt. The gentle breeze, the clouds, the twinkling stars, my breath, my heart. It all just stopped. Everything except for the sound of Justin's breathing.

"I know Justin. I know." And I shut the door and started walking to my car. I had to get out of there. I wanted, no I needed - I had - to think.

As I pulled out of that driveway I told myself that it was for the last time. And for some reason that saddened me.

And that scared me.

I am Scoop, feel me type. Next time, I really get into it.

Until next time...

PEACE