Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 10:14:07 -0800 From: w j Subject: Starting Over-Chapter 5 Disclaimer: I don't know, or imply that I do, the members of NSync. Nor do I imply anything about their true sexual preferences, I only hope! Um, if you are not of legal age in your jurisdiction, than you should leave. The same applies to those of you that are offended by M/M relationships, plus you need to seek therapy, I think you have some insecurity problems. Anyway, I don't think there are any other restrictions, other than the fact that you have to read the story if none of the above apply to you. Author's note: Hey everybody. First of all, I'd like to thank anyone who wrote to me, even if it was just to say: "I liked/did not like your story." I've met some really great people through this, and would like to thank them foremost. Um, this chapter has some pretty big things said and done in it. I'd like to know what you guys think, so e-mail me at wmj29@hotmail.com Thanks. I hope you guys enjoy the story. Take care. Jordan Last time: "Seb, can I talk to you for a sec?" Justin asked, putting his cereal back down on the counter. I got up and walked to him. We went into Lance's bedroom, and shut the door. "What's up?" I asked, seeing his expression. "I'm gonna tell them now. Can you stand with me?" he asked, a pleading look in his eyes. "Of course." I said, giving him a kiss. "You ready?" I asked, putting my hand on the door knob. "Yes," he said, with a determination in his voice. I opened the door, to be greeted by four pairs of prying eyes. They questioned silently, searching our expressions for a hint of what had happened. Justin looked up at them and clenched his fists. "Guys, I've got something to tell you," he said, looking around for acknowledgement and to make sure he had everyone's attention. "Well, you know how I haven't really been myself for the past while, how I've been kind of distant? I want to apologise to everyone for the way I've acted. It was really immature and I'm sorry. I just didn't know how else to handle it. I've decided to tell you guys now, because first of all you guys deserve to know. Second of all, because I found something that changes the whole situation. Guys, I'm gay, and Seb is my boyfriend." Chapter 5 Starting Over by: Jordan A great silence overtook the room. Justin's eyes darted around the room, as he awaited some sort of interpretable response. His breathing started to come a little faster than it had been coming, and he took a step backwards. I wrapped my arms around him as he backed up, and held him tightly. He calmed down almost instantly, his breathing returning to normal, and his eyes starting to focus on things. "Did you guys hear me?" Justin asked, in a timid voice, wondering if he had actually said it out loud, or whether he had just been thinking it. "Yeah, we heard Justin, were you expecting something to happen?" Joey said, looking Justin in the eye, and then shifting his gaze slightly, to my face, resting on his shoulder. "Well I had expected some anger, maybe some frustration, some sort of resistance. Is there none?" he asked amazed by how calm they all were. "Why would there be? Justin, you're our little brother. Nothing's gonna change that," Joey said, speaking his assumption for everyone. "Speak for yourself Joe, this changes a lot of things, for me anyway. I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly do have a problem with it. How the Hell did this happen? It's your fault, isn't it Sebastian?" Chris accused me, rising from his seat and starting to make his way over to Justin and I. "You perverted him, didn't you? You and your fucking sneaky ways. All of you are alike, trying to force others to your perverted game. You probably forced yourself on Justin last night while he was sleeping. I hoped you enjoyed yourself, `cause it's the last piece of ass that you're going to get form this group. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking faggot" An appalled gasp went up in the room, and I immediately backed away from Justin and headed towards the door. "Sebastian..." I heard Justin calling me, but it couldn't stop me. I hadn't come out when I lived at home for this very reason. I was afraid that people would react that way. I had successfully evaded that for my entire life, and now it was all happening. Ten times worse than I could ever have expected. Just as I had found someone I wanted to be with, someone had come and destroyed what we had. It's funny how someone's words can affect you so profoundly. I would have much preferred a punch in the stomach, at least then I'd know how to handle the situation. I ran. I ran to the stair well, not wanting to wait for the elevator, as someone might make it to me before the elevator came. Tears were flowing freely, and my chest was convulsing. I heard shouting and shuffling back in the room as someone opened the door and came out. "Sebastian!" again I heard Justin shout for me, and I was about to stop when I heard Chris yell from inside the room: "Leave the fucker alone before he perverts you even more. All he wants is your money and your ass. He doesn't even like you Justin." With that I opened the door to the stair well, and started heading down. I stopped suddenly, realising there was a different way I really wanted to go. I turned around, and headed up. I passed the door to the seventeenth floor...the eighteenth floor...the nineteenth floor...the penthouse and then finally I reached my destination: the roof. I opened the door and stepped out onto the roof. Vents were scattered about it, and it was speckled with satellite dishes. I ducked under the nearest one, and headed towards the western side of the building. I would at least be facing the place in which I had been born when I died. I made my way to the edge, and sat on the ledge, looking out over the city in it's relative peace of mid morning. I looked over to see the CN tower standing majestically in the distance, with the SkyDome lying complacently beside it, the home of my favourite baseball team. I remember watching the 1992 and 1993 World Series at home. Joe Carter, hitting that historic home run, jumping from base to base. I think there was popcorn scattered around our living room for a week. My mother had been so mad at us! I can remember her threatening to make us eat every piece of popcorn off the floor, but then when she saw how happy we were, she melted, and smiled her wonderful smile that came out too rarely. I looked out to the north, and saw the theatre where I had once seen the play Jane Eyre. I remembered my mom crying her eyes out. It had, in fact been and extremely sad play, but so well done. It made such an emotional impact on you. It left you drained when you afterwards, having gone through every emotion that the character had experienced. The main character, Jane eyre, had gone through some of the same things I had, loosing a lover, getting her heart ripped out, death... I looked down, onto the cold dirty street. Did I really want to do this? Was it worth it? I wasn't sure. I was so sure I had lost Justin though. Chris had made all of my worst fears come true. I had moved to Toronto to get away from the close minded attitude of a small coastal village, and had been greeted by two different rejections, each just as bad as the other. It didn't occur to me what I had gained. A best friend, a life of being myself instead something I was not, and a boyfriend. Pictures flashed before my eyes. My mother, in perpetual state of stress. My Step father, always trying to please my mother, but usually failing. My biological father, always happy and caring, usually witha glass of wine in his hand. My step mother, always so understanding and full of life. My little brother, dead at the age of nine. What a waste, such a perfect child, always happy and so smart. It hurt me to think of him. I cried, soaking the front of my pants with my tears. The tears cascaded down my face, in a never ending torrent of helplessness and hopelessness. I cried for lost hope, I cried for lost love, I cried for Matt, I cried for myself, for Justin and for anyone who had been torn from the person they loved because of hatred. The world was an unfair place, one in which I was unsure I wanted to live. I looked down once more, and smiled. I wouldn't be able to do it. Not from this part of the roof anyway. The outdoor pool sat three floors beneath me. I could badly injure myself, but what use was that? I chuckled softly, and looked up to the building across from me. A man stood at the window, looking at me questioningly with his hypocritical nature. No doubt he had thought about doing the same thing as I when the stock markets crashed or when his wife of twenty years left him for a younger man. I'm sure he thought me an idiot, trying to commit suicide by jumping into a pool. "Sebastian! Don't do it!" I heard Justin's frantic voice calling to me. I turned my body half way around, and smiled, a sad, and lonely smile. I turned back around, lifting my face to the sun and the gentle breeze. I smiled again, this time because I realised that perhaps I hadn't lost Justin. Maybe, just maybe, he was prepared to go against hate and ignorance and be with me. "Don't do it, Seb. Please don't do it," I heard Justin's quavering voice, only two or three meters behind me. I turned once more, and said: "Come here Justin," He came up behind me. "Don't do it. Please," he repeated. "Justin, look down," I said. He looked down and smiled. He placed his arms around me, and rested his chin on the top of my head. "Thank God!" he whispered. "Sit with me, Justin," I said, motioning to a place beside me. He sat down, crossing his legs beneath him and looking around. He smiled slightly, happy that I wouldn't be committing suicide that day. "I thought about it," I said, looking across to the building and the man at the window. "I honestly had the intention of doing it when I came up here. I guess it's fitting though, water saving me. I came to this side of the building because that way's west. I was born in the west, water has always been a part of my life. I had intended to at least die facing the place of my birth," I could hear Justin crying, but kept on going. "My worst fear came true today. It's funny how someone's words can make your world come tumbling down. I sat here, contemplating whether or not to jump. I thought of my mother, always so solemn and seemingly lonely. I thought of my friends, the people I had grown up with. Still I was going to jump. This was of course before I realised the pool was right there," I chuckled out. I heard a mirthless laugh escape Justin's lips, but continued. "I was honestly going to jump, but then I thought of you. I thought of how I felt when I was with you, and it just didn't seem worth it anymore. Sure, it would erase the pain that I feel today, but what of the rest of my life? What life would I have? None, I'd be dead. I'd be dead, and I wouldn't have you there with me. Why would I do that when I could live, and be with you. It's funny, `cause I've only known you since yesterday, but you've affected my heart more than my mother or any other single person in my life. I don't know how you've done it, nor do I really care. I can't bare the thought of not being with you. Justin," I started, finally turning to him, tears again cascading down my face. "Justin, I want to come with you when you leave." Justin's face illuminated immediately, his childlike features emanating joy. He didn't respond verbally, but instead leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. Our lips moulded to each other's instantly. Our soft embrace continued, tongues dancing and hearts pounding, for what seemed an eternity, but was in fact but a few minutes. Justin pulled away, and leaned his head on my shoulder. "I'm so glad you didn't jump. I don't know what I would have done," he whispered. "Are you sure you want to come with me? Don't you have things you have to do here? Friends and everything?" "The only things here are Kate and university. I can do university anytime, and I can write to Kate and talk to her on the phone. I think the question is are you ready for me to come with you?" I said, unsure of the true answer. "Seb, I'm not sure. This is a big step. I mean, I really like you and everything, and I want to spend all of my time with you, but we met yesterday. We don't even know each other. There's this bond between us, but I don't know if either of us is truly ready." Justin sighed as he spoke his words. His words were true, and made sense, but I didn't want him to leave. "We've got a week and a half vacation coming up after we go to Montreal and Québec City. We're supposed to go home and get some rest before we head back to the States to do some more touring. What if I came here for that week and a half and we see what happens. If we both still want to be in this relationship, then you come on tour with me. If one of us doesn't want to, then we call it quits. What do you think?" he looked up at me, searching for an answer. I smiled at him and said: "Okay, but only if you promise to come back," "Don't worry, I will." Justin said, as he placed his head down on my shoulder. We sat like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the peace and tranquillity after the storm had passed, or at least that's what we thought. I was enjoying just being around Justin. I didn't need to talk to him, I understood him as we were. Unfortunately, time does not stand still forever. Justin looked down at his watch and sighed. "We should go inside. We need to clear this up with everyone before we go to rehearsal. Are you coming to rehearsal?" Justin asked, as he lifted his head and turned around. He stood on the roof, and then helped me up. "Maybe, if I don't cause too many more outbursts," I said, not being much of a confrontationalist. "How did you find me, by the way?" I asked, wondering how he had known to come up to the roof. "That was a lot of work. There hadn't been time for the elevator to come up, so I figured you took the stairs. I ran all of the way down to the lobby. I asked the receptionist if she had seen anyone that looked like you leaving. She must have thought I was loosing my mind. Since there is only one exit that you could have taken in the lobby, I figured you were still in the building. So I took the elevator back up to our floor and searched the floor. When you weren't there, I didn't know where to go. I sat down in the hall and started bawling. JC came out and sat beside me. He told me to go to the roof," Justin said, smiling solemnly. "I asked him why, stupid question, but I never thought you would do that over me." He looked at me, right in the eyes. His blue eyes enraptured me, and I was lost. As we reached the door to go back into the building, we stopped. We stood there, looking one another in the eyes. Slowly, as if in a movie, our heads drew closer and closer, until our breaths mingled, and our two scents became one. Our lips touched, so softly and so gently. His warm lips pressed to mine, my lips pressed to his. Slowly, our mouths moved, and performed their intimate dance, two dance partners, made to be together, never separated. His tongue made it's way to the front of his mouth and licked at my lips, begging for permission to enter. My lips parted, readily. As our tongues touched and intertwined, warmth spread through my body, making me blush and relax. Such a feeling of bliss was this that I forgot the awful events that had occurred earlier. I pulled back, regretfully. We had to go face the music, whether it be a fairy tale love song, or another angry protest. "Are you ready?" I asked, still holding Justin. "I guess so. We don't have much choice, do we?" Justin said, resting his head on my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair, comforting him, and myself. "No, we don't," I said, regretfully. "All right then, let's get this over with," Justin said, pulling back to walk in the doorway. I followed him, not ever wanting to be left without him. We made our way back down to the floor that had been rented out to the group. Apprehension surrounded us as we walked hand in hand down the dim hallway. I could still hear shouting coming from the room, only this time it wasn't Chris's voice. I didn't know NSync well enough to say who it was for certain, but I guessed that it was JC's. He sounded extremely angry with someone, that someone most likely being Chris. I turned to Justin just outside of the door. "Are you willing to go through with this even if Chris turns his back on you as a friend?" I asked, trying to make sure that our efforts wouldn't be in vain if Chris decided to continue his torrent. "Yes, Chris and I have never been the best of friends anyway. I mean we were close friends, but not like me and JC, or me and Joey, or even me and Lance. He was just always different. We never really opened up to each other. Maybe it's because he's older. I dunno, but I'm prepared to loose him, if it means I gain you," he answered, more than I had expected, and I smiled a contented smile. I would not be loosing him today. I placed my hand on the handle, and slowly turned it. The heavy door ceded to my demand, and opened slowly. As we walked in, a silence overcame the room. Chris was sitting on the couch, arms folded, with a scowl on his face. JC stood over Chris, I had been right in my assumption of who had been yelling. Lance sat in another chair, his head in his hands, obviously exasperated by the whole situation. Joey sat, looking straight at us. A look of relief washed over him when he saw us walk back in. "Why the hell did you come back? What the fuck do you want?" Chris hissed out. JC almost jumped on Chris, but Joey stopped him. After a moment, I responded. "Chris, you don't know me, and I don't know you. So I'm willing to look past the things you've said, if you're willing to live with the fact that Justin and I are a couple," I said my piece, controlling my anger. I was trying to create a peace in the group, somehow I felt I was partially responsible for the rift created in their normally brotherly group. "The day I accept you two as a couple, kill me, `cause I'd rather be dead than live in a world where it's okay for two faggots to walk the street, hand in hand," Chris's vehemency overwhelmed me. I was about to leave again, but I looked over to Justin. His face was set, cold and stern. A determination was in his eyes that I had never seen before, in anyone. "Why is this such a big thing for you to accept? What the hell is your problem?" Justin finally spoke up, surprising everyone. I had so far known him to be a shy and quiet person when faced with a dilemma. This was a new side of him, one of the many I would learn of. "What the hell is MY problem? My problem is the fact that this guy walks in here and all of a sudden you're gay. Do you even know what being gay is all about?" Chris spat back. "First of all, I didn't turn gay because he walked into my life. I've been gay for a long time. It's not something you choose. Do you think this is really something I want to go through, loosing my friends and family? Do you think I enjoy getting yelled at by one of my closest friends? The reason I've been going out to bars and getting drunk, not sleeping and performing like shit these past few months is because I've finally realised that I am gay and I've had a hard time dealing with trying to tell you guys. I was afraid something like this would happen. Then I met Sebastian. Everything just made so much more sense. He knows what I'm going through, he's been through the same thing. It's part of who I am. You had no problem with me before, so I see no rational reason for you to have a problem with me now. I'm still the same person I was. Nothing's changed," with that Justin turned and walked out of the room, leaving us all in awe. I slowly came to my senses and followed him. I found him curled up outside the door, crying softly into his arms. He looked like a small child, curled up in the fetal position. I sat down beside him, and put my arm around his shoulders. He leaned over to me, and put his head on my shoulder. His gentle tears fell onto my shoulder, wetting my shirt. I hugged him close to me, as he shivered and sobbed quietly. Even in times like these I was happy to be around Justin. We could still hear voices coming from inside the room. "Chris, why are you making such a big deal out of this? Are you really as homophobic as you sound?" Lance spoke in his smooth, country accent. "I honestly don't know. I've seen fags before, but it just never really hit home before today. I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to protect Justin from what's going to happen to him in the only way I know how," Chris's confession came as a surprise to everyone. "Can't you see that all that you're doing is hurting him, making it harder for him to be himself? He has about as much control over liking guys as you do over breathing. He does have a choice, he could not be gay. You have a choice to. You could stop breathing, but then where would you be? That's the same way it is for Justin. He could not be gay, but he'd be dead inside. Can't you see the way he looks at Sebastian? He's only known him for a very short time, but you can see in his eyes the way he feels for him. I'd be afraid he'd be hurt by Sebastian, but I can see the same thing in his eyes. I knew the minute they walked in here that they were together," JC said, trying to make Chris see reason. "The only problem that I have with the relationship is that I'll be loosing Justin. Slowly at first, but he'll be wanting to spend more and more time with Seb, which is cool and all, but I still don't wanna loose Justin." A sadness I had never before heard in anyone's voice was resounding through the whole floor, and I felt guilty. I didn't want to be the one to break up a friendship like the one that Justin and JC had. Justin looked at me and smiled. "It's not your fault Seb, that's the way it happens in all relationships," he said, as he stood to go back in the room. He helped me up, and we walked into the room together, once again. "Thank you Josh," was all that Justin said. "For what?" JC asked, confused. "For being so understanding," Justin walked over to JC and gave him a hug. "Justin, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said, it just came out," Chris said, trying to backpedal. "Chris, those words had to have come from somewhere inside of you, whether you acknowledge them or not. What you said came from your beliefs, and nowhere else," I was amazed by Justin's maturity. I don't think I would have been able to handle the situation the way he had, I would have left a long time ago. "Justin, I'm sorry, I truly am. Please forgive me," Chris begged, trying to make amends. "I can't Chris, not after what you almost made Seb do. Do you know where I found him? I found him sitting on the ledge of the roof, almost ready to jump. Can you even fathom the damage you could have done? The damage you have done? I might be able to forgive you someday, but not now," Justin said, letting everyone know what had happened. Everyone sat, appalled. Chris's face was white and ghostly, as the realisation of the effects of his words hit him. JC just looked at me, knowingly, but still a little shocked. Joey just looked out the window down to the street, contemplating how far it was to the ground. Lance looked around, sad and dismayed. "Guys, I hate to be the one to bring us back into touring, but we do have rehearsals that start in twenty minutes. We should go," Lance said, ever the responsible member. "Are you coming?" Joey asked, directing his question at me. "I'm not sure. I have something I need to do. I might come for the last part. What time are you guys done?" I asked, wanting to get my thoughts and some other stuff together before the concert. "Um, the rehearsal ends at around six, if Fatima doesn't decide to keep us longer," Lance said, always knowing the schedule. "Okay, well I'll probably meet you guys afterwards. Okay?" I said, hoping for some sort of sign that it was okay to come afterwards. Justin looked at me oddly and then said: "I thought you said you were going to come to rehearsals." "I did, but there's something I want to do first, sort of a surprise," I said, smiling at Justin who looked both disappointed and excited at the same time. "JC, can I talk to you for a sec?" "Um, okay," JC walked behind me as I lead him into the bedroom. "I know Justin's favourite colour is blue..." I started. "It's light blue, not just any blue," JC interrupted me. "Okay, thanks. Um, what are Justin's favourite foods?" I asked. "Favourite foods? Um let's see. He likes cheese pizzas, um, basically any kind of pasta and seafood. I think that's it, what are you planning?" JC asked, after he had answered all of my questions. "Well.....(what I was planning)..... Does he like chocolate?" I asked. "Yep, loves it," JC said, a big grin on his face after hearing what I had planned. "Okay, thanks," I said, opening the door and making my way back out into the living room. "What are you two so happy about?" Justin asked, curious as to why we both had Cheshire grins on our faces. "You'll see tonight," I said, making my way over to Justin. Justin put on one of his pouty looks, but smiled as I got to him. I pulled him close to me and kissed he tip of his nose. I smiled as I pressed my forehead to his and looked him in the eyes. "I'll see you later," I whispered to him. "Have fun at rehearsal," I said to everyone. A loud moan went up all over the room and I laughed as I exited the room. * * * * * Well? Whadya think? Good? Bad? I really liked it, but I'm sure not everyone did. Think Justin'll forgive Chris any time soon? Who knows. lol, I don't even know! What's the big surprise? I guess I'll just have to leave you guys hangin'. It's not really a cliff hanger like some of my other chapters, but there's a little suspense for ya. Anyway, anybody that has questions, suggestions, comments or anything else, please feel free to e-mail me at wmj29@ hotmail.com Thanks, I hope you enjoyed it. Take care. Jordan