Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 09:21:40 -0700 (PDT) From: Author James Subject: Tales of a Real Dark Knight Chapter 35 Disclaimer: This story, though maybe not in this chapter but in subsequent chapters, will have celebrities in it. I have no knowledge of their sexuality and this is not intended to imply their sexuality. This is all from my own mind. Scary!! People actually get a glimpse into my mind!!! Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel and all related characters created by Joss Whedon. Copyright 20th Century Fox. Batman, and all related characters created by Bob Kane. Copyright DC Comics and Warner Bros. X-MEN, and all related characters created by Stan Lee. Copyright Marvel Comics and 20th Century Fox. Star Trek and all related characters created by Gene Roddenberry. Copyright Paramount Studios. I don't know for sure if I will use all the above elements, but just in case, I have myself covered. In this story, which has been floating around in my head most of my life, you will find many universes merging, as the above copyrights reveal. I hope you all enjoy this. I appreciate any feedback that you may want to give. This story doesn't deal so much with sex, sex, sex, but more of my feelings that I struggled with and am starting to come to terms with. Part of his background is mine. I do hope that you enjoy it!!! Any emails you send, please tell me what chapter you are commenting on. Thanks. jmsotc@yahoo.com Chapter 35 Confrontation I left the building and returned to the city skyline. It didn't make any sense that he would believe such things. Why? Why would someone continue to let others tell him that what he naturally felt was wrong? Why? As I gazed at the city, I heard sirens. It was the police going on a call. I wished them well that is unless the person they were pursuing was going to be the brunt of their hatred. Perhaps I should follow and observe. I moved across the roof and prepared to jump. I heard someone fall into something below and watched a man grab the person and pick him up. "How dare you, you little..." I jumped down and landed on the man doing the punching. "That's enough," I said. "What the hell are you doing?" the man said getting to his feet. "I'm protecting someone who is the victim of hate." "What?" "I know what you were going to say. You were going to call him faggot." "How do you know?" "Because I've heard it often in this city. Too often." "So? We say it when someone treats us bad. We're mad. We have the right to vent our anger." "And pound someone who you hate? I don't think so." "Batman!" I turned. "Huntress." "Let him go," she said. "It's over." "I'm not finished." "Yes. You are." The guy stood and tried to run. I lifted my arm and shot a rope around his legs. Jerking, I tripped him. "I'm not through with you." I turned back to the Huntress only to be met by a foot in the face. I flew back against the wall. She grabbed me by the shirt and tossed me into the opposite wall. Pulling out a dagger, she cut the rope releasing my prisoner. "Yes, you are, Batman." I watched as the guy got away. I turned to face the Huntress. She and I were the only ones in the alley now. "What are you doing?" I asked. "You let him get away." "What are YOU doing, Eric? You are changing. You are becoming dark. You need to deal with whatever the problem is. You definitely shouldn't be out here wearing that suit with the way you are feeling. It gives you too much power. You use that mask to hide from this...whatever you are dealing with. You are not facing it and it's eating you alive. What's gotten into you?" I couldn't deal with this. Tears welled up in my eyes. "I don't know." I turned and took a few steps. "I don't know what's going on, Jessica. I feel so empty inside." "Empty?" "I don't feel any good in me. I feel so empty and alone." "So this is about being alone." "No. Not really. Not completely." I turned to her. "Do you know what it's like to be so in love with someone and have time with that person and then lose it?" "Yes, I do." I looked at her. "You never told me..." "You're right. I didn't. It's not something I want to remember." "What happened?" "I loved him. We were so into each other." She looked around. "I don't think we should be having this conversation in an alley dressed like this. Let's go change." Not too much later, we were walking dressed in normal clothes. "So what happened?" "I was so in love with him. We would spend hours talking about the future, the house we would live in, the kids we would have. He and I got so close. It started as friendship and just grew from there. But there was one problem that neither of us could correct." "What?" "He turned out to be gay." I stopped walking. She took a few steps and turned around. "He what?" Jessica offered me a smile. "He turned out to be gay." "How did he know? And how did you find out?" "He said he really loved me. He honestly did. But he could not get close. He was always attracted to men. At first he hated being who he was. He tried to change. That's one reason why he dated me. He and I were so close friends, best friends. And he figured I would be the perfect person for him to marry because he cared about me and I cared about him. Unfortunately, caring about someone as a best friend doesn't make that person life partner material." Jessica laughed a little, trying to make light of her pain. My heart went out to her. We had the same problem. I was gay and loved someone who ended up being straight. But, I had put that behind me. Or did I? I felt my grief from my break-up with Justin flood back. I guess I never dealt with it. I immersed my self into my education and work that I never dealt with what happened with Justin. That was only the beginning of my pain. "I supported him in finding answers. He and I still talk once in awhile, but not like we used to. I've gone on with my life, as has he." "I'm sorry about what happened to you, Jessica," I said as I wiped a tear. Jessica looked at me. "Do I see a tear? More tears?" "Yeah." "So now you don't feel empty." "No. Actually I feel full." "Want to talk about it?" Jessica walked up to me and put her arm around me. "Come on, Eric. We can work this out together. That's what friends are for." We began walking again. I had to let it out of me. I couldn't let it ruin my life the way it was. I had to spill it all out before me and someone I trusted. "It started with what happened with Justin. I loved him. I really did. But it hurt to find out he didn't love me. What was I going to do? Part of me left when I staked Turic." "No doubt. It took Justin away from you." "Instead of facing it, like I should have, I harbored it and ignored it, hoping it would evaporate. But it didn't. It grew. Then, when I found a cause, some reason to fight, I immersed myself into it. I so wanted to end others' pain that I didn't take time to end my own. "Being raped didn't help matters, either. It made me feel so used and empty. I longed to have that kind of connection with someone. I wanted to be intimate with someone whom I cared about and would care about me. That's where Aaron came in. I so wanted it to work out. But, it didn't." "No?" Jessica asked. I shook my head. "I went over to his apartment and found him sleeping with another guy. I was...was just a sex object." The tears came flooding now. "He was so rough. I felt something, though. For the first time, I felt something inside me. It was uncontrollable. It enveloped me. It was primal." "Sounds like lust." "But I felt something. I thought it would keep me. Until I found Aaron with someone else. That took any hope of love and smashed it. I felt this coldness take over. This silent rage that took away any caring for anything but my cause." We neared my apartment and I stopped, sitting down on the steps. "Jessica, it was scary, but, at the same time, I didn't care. It was necessary for my survival. I didn't want to be vulnerable. The only way to do that was to not be open to anyone. The best way to not be open is to have others fear me." "How do you feel when others fear you?" she asked. "Powerful. I feel powerful. But at the same time, so alone and scared. I had good friends, Jessica. Lance is one person who trusted in me. He and I could talk about anything and everything. And I scared him when I killed Turic. Then I almost lost you." I stood and looked up at the moon, wiping the tears. "What would I have done? What am I going to do? I feel as if my life is spinning out of control! It's no longer what I wanted it to be! It's a nightmare! I'm losing control of myself! Who knows what I will do next! I could end up killing somebody! Someone I care about! I don't know what I'd do then! I'm not a killer! But inside all I feel is rage and anger and betrayal and hatred! How do I go on living if all I feel is darkness? I'm turning into the things I fight against! How long before I no longer live but just exist to hurt and revenge?" I fell to the ground weeping. "What am I going to do? I'm going to school to help others, and look at me! I can't even help myself! My God!" As I wept and cried pouring everything in my out, I felt strong arms wrap around me, trying to contain me and console me. "It will be okay," a masculine voice said. It was a voice that had such love and caring in it. I felt a nose on my ear, on my neck, and then a soft kiss. It was a few moments before I realized it wasn't Jessica. It didn't even register. I felt the arms lift me off the ground and help me to my apartment. I watched as Jessica took my keys and unlocked the door. I leaned my head to the side resting it on the chest of the one protecting me, sheltering me, helping me to go on. The person helped me over to my bed and laid me down. I curled up into a ball and just cried myself to sleep. I had so much darkness in me that I harbored. The only way that my body could deal with it was by crying. My body shuddering rocked me to sleep. Unfortunately in my sleep I did not find any peace. I was running, though I don't know from what. It was a long, dark, dusty road. No streetlights. No painted yellow line. No houses. Just a long stretch of road. I could see, though. There seemed to be one beam of light shining forth lighting the road a few feet in front of me. I followed this light, knowing it would keep me safe from whatever I was running from. I did not know what was chasing me. I only knew I had to get away from it as quickly as possible. It was going to devour me. If I didn't get away, I would die. And so I ran as fast as I could. If you've ever run before in your dreams, you understand the feeling, the sensation. It's as if your legs are tied together and weighted down. You can't really do much of anything but struggle and worry. It was gaining on me. With every step, I felt it get closer. With every stride, I knew I was done for. It crept up on me. I could feel it breathing on my neck. Its breath was so cold, so empty. Yet it burned to the touch. I noticed the light slowly getting dimmer as this thing closed in on me. Then I was swallowed by darkness. Looking around, I saw nothing. It was a vacuum. It was a black hole. No light could penetrate it. And I couldn't find my way. I searched for a way out, but I couldn't. I was trapped. Then slowly the world came into focus only with a tinge of darkness to everything I looked upon. What I saw was scary. Darkness, anger, violence. No love shown forth. It was all meaningless, empty. There was no one to be seen. It was all desolate and barren. What was this that I was looking upon? Then I felt fear. Cold, unadulterated fear. It was going to carry me away. I needed help and compassion. But there was no mercy here. No mercy or forgiveness. Hope was futile. I awoke with a start, the sunshine beaming in on me. I was in a sweat, burning on the inside and out. What a dream! I looked around to find Jessica sleeping in the chair in my room. "Jessica," I said softly trying to arouse her but not startle her. "Jessica, wake up." Jessica stirred and her eyes opened slowly. She turned and looked over at me. "You're awake." "Yeah." I looked around for the time, as did she. It was 8:30 in the morning. "How long have I been asleep?" "Around six hours. It was almost 2:30 in the morning when you passed out and we brought you in." "Who is 'we'?" "Huh? Oh, he asked me not to tell you." "Not a riddle." "No. A friend. One of the people I told you was concerned about you all this time." "Tell me who." "He doesn't want you to know." Jessica stood and left the room. I stood and looked at my clothes, which were drenched in sweat. I went into the bathroom and started the water to shower. I would have to call work and tell them I would be late. Jessica walked back in. "He left a note. He stayed awake until 7:00. He couldn't stay awake any more so he left to get some sleep. He says he will see you again soon." "I wish you would tell me who!" "Does it matter? Just so long as you know someone cares about you should be enough, especially after all you've gone through." "You're right." "What are you doing?" "I'm showering. I still have work to go to." "No, you don't. I called Dr. Allison this morning. You have the day off." "What did you tell him?" I said becoming concerned. How would I explain to my boss that his new psychologist that the firm is putting through school had a psychotic episode and passed out? "Relax. I just told him that you had not completely recovered from the surgery and was very tired. He said taking a day off would be fine." "Oh. But what am I going to do today?" "You're going to talk." "About what?" "About your problem. You and I are going to work through this together. You told me last night most of the stuff you've been going through. Now it's time we work it out." "How do you propose we do that?" "By any means necessary." I went in and showered. When I came out, Jessica was not in my bedroom. I could smell bacon and eggs frying in the kitchen. My stomach growled and let me know it had been ignored for too long. I dressed rather quickly. Jessica sat a plate of food in front of me. "Eat," she ordered. I sat down and ate ravenously. I couldn't believe my hunger! I hadn't felt that hungry in a long time. "That was good," I said as I finished the last bite. "I'm glad you liked it." I cleaned up the dishes and looked over at Jessica. "Now what?" I asked. "Now we get all this excess energy out of the way. We take a walk." To Be Continued... Was it over the top? Was it confusing? I know that I thought it was confusing writing it. To look into his mind at the things going on was rather eerie. What's even eerier is the fact most of his feelings have been things I've gone through. Now to go into the healing process