Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 13:18:58 -0800
From: Rich Henderson <richy@onebox.com>
Subject: Tell Me Why part 3

_______________________________
Disclaimer

This story is completely fictional and does not indicate that Kevin
Richardson of the Backstreet Boys or any of the Backstreet boys are
homosexual. If you are under 18 you should not be reading this story
so...dont.
-------------------------------

Tell Me Why part 3

Ok, in this story I used a song that I've seen in lots of other stories on
different web sites. Ok, so sue me, but it seemed like the perfect song so
whats one more copy? :) Anyways, on with the story.

After taking a brief lil nap, (I didn't sleep last night), I took a moment
to relax. I dont have to go back to work for another week and a half, so
this is my vacation. I need to enjoy it. Ugh, like that was gonna happen.
Damn it, if only I hadn't gone to that concert...ugh. Man. I dont know what
to do, I'm not experienced enough to make these kinds of decisions. I mean,
it would be a whole lot easier if it were multiple choice. But it wasn't
like that. I mean, it wasn't like, A:Forgive Kevin or B:Forget Kevin,
because each choice brought on more choices and those choices led to more
choices. Choices involving my love life, Brians friendship, and, worst of
all..Kevin. I mean, damn. Its not like in the movies. Its not like the
breakup songs. I dont wanna lose him, but I already did. I dont want him
back, but the idea of it is being squished in my face. I dont want to hurt
Brian, but I dont wanna destroy myself. Oh man, I reached into the liquer
cabinet and got myself a bottle of tequila I had bought the other
night. Damn, if only I had never gone to that stupid concert I would never
have gotten myself into all this shit. Gulp after gulp after chug after
chug. I was most definatly drunk beyond control. I threw myself on the
couch, or rather bumped into it and was fortunate enough to land on it. I
picked up the phone for no apparant reason and started doodling around with
it.

"Hello?" It was Brian.

Rich - "Umm..Who is this?"

Brian - "I think you may have the wrong number bud."

Rich - "Oh, must be, ok. Seeya later Brian."

Brian - "Rich? Is that you? What are you doing?" I shushed him.

Rich - "Hold on a sec Bri, I'm on the phone."

Brian - "Are you drunk man?"

Rich - "No thanks, I think I already am."

Brian - "Umm..ya..ok..Anyways, do you think you could swing by here?
Oh...wait..no, I guess you cant in your current state. Where are you at?"

Rich - "I'm right here Bri." After a couple more minutes of useless prattle
I finally managed to give him my apartment address. After hanging up the
phone, I took a shower to kick myself back into gear. It worked a little
bit. I got out and changed into some tan cargo pants and a wifebeater. I
checked myself out in the mirror. I wasn't really the most vain person in
the world, but I did take the time to appreciate my looks. Even more so
when I was drunk. Well...look at you pretty boy. I bet when Kevin see's me
he'll have to grab a napkin, ya know, to wipe off his drool. I smiled. Ok,
enough, Brian will be here any second. I took one last look into the
mirror, hmm, my hair all tossled, but Bri wouldn't care. I flopped back on
the couch and turned on the tv. Just in time too, Springer was on. I knew
the show was fake, but sometimes it was fun to think that other people's
lives were even more screwed than his. I was just getting comfy when I
heard knocking outside my door. Yay, Brian was here.  I ran to the door and
swung it open. I was instantly disappointed. It was just Ashley and Dan.

Dan - "Whoa, you sure look happy to see us."

Ashley - "Yah, if your using happy to describe disappointment." She knew me
too well. "So..you were pretty quick to answer the door, and it obviously
wasn't for us...Who is it? Huh? Dont tell me you have room in that closet
of yours for a date."

Rich - "Umm..not quite, but..umm...I.."

Dan - "..Lost your speaking abilities?"

Rich - "No, but I have an old friend coming over and--"

Ashley - "Pish posh! You dont have any old friends. So, who's the lucky
guy?"

Dan - "I'd say Rich is the lucky guy, I mean, he has his first date...Awww"

Rich - "Shuddup! Its not that at all, and if you wouldn't mind--," A loud
knock on the door shut me up. Oh god, complications...Ashley's gonna kill
me. There was no way out, Dan was already opening the door. He was just
about to look up when he was pulled into a bear hug. Ashley had the most
shocked look on her face. Well, not quite the most, I'd say Dan won in that
catagory. He looked like he had just seen his grandma naked, eew, anyways..

Brian - "Hey! Are you still a lil tipsy--Hey! Oh my god....I have the wrong
room..I'm sooo sorry..."

Ashley - "OH MY GOD!" He turned to look at her. "YOUR BRIAN FUCKING
LITTREL!".

Brian - "Oh, hehe, actually my middle name is Thomas, but thanks fo--" I
tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around. "Oh hey!" He looked nervous. I
couldn't blame him, Ashley was staring at him as if he were the last curly
fry at a fat people convention.

Rich - "Dont mind her, she's just a big fan." I ignored the look I was
getting from her.

Ashley - "Dont tell me this is your hot date!?" She was practically bright
red. I'm not sure whether she was angry or just overwhelmed.

Rich - "Ugh, shut up. This is the old friend I was talking about." Damn, I
wanted her out of the room so bad.

Ashley - "Why the fuck didn't you ever tell me before?" She wasn't really
all that angry, she just had a potty mouth. And it didn't help with the
amount of jealousy and betrayal she felt. I mean, she was supposed to be my
best friend, and I hadn't told her that I was best friends with one of her
idols. But I wasn't thinking about that at the time. All I was thinking
about was getting her and Dan out so I could talk to Brian in
private. Brian just stood there watching the scene.

Rich - "Ashley, please, I'll explain later. No offence, but if you wouldn't
mind leaving, and even if you do, can you please leave?" I instantly felt
guilty for treating her like that. I guess it was because I was mad at her
for embarrasing me in front of Brian. Dan walked over to her, and talked
her into going somewhere else with him.  It wasn't easy but eventually she
gave in. After I thanked Dan, they left.

Brian - "Did I come at a bad time?" He looked worried.

Rich - "No, not at all. Ashley's just a bit weird."

Brian - "You could say that again."

Rich - "Really, she's not that bad. She's just hurt that she's just finding
out now about me knowing you and all this other stuff and..Ugh, I dont
know. But she'll get over it, she has mood swings every now and then."

Brian - "Are you two close?"

Rich - "Ya, she's my best friend."

Brian - "Why didn't you tell her about me?"

Rich - "Cause I dont like talking about my problems."

Brian - "Am I your problem?" I think he was hurt by that.

Rich - "No, of course not. Its just...If I talk about you, it would
eventually lead toward Kevin. And...Well, I never talk about Kevin to
anybody. I think your probably the last person I talked to about Kevin."

Brian - "Oh hmm..." There was a knock on the door. Ugh, why couldn't Ashley
leave me alone? Brian went to open it. Oh, it wasn't Ashley, it was a
guy. Oh, cool, Nick was here. The man stepped in. No..no.not Nick. Dammit,
not Nick at all. I felt shaky and nauscious. Damn it! How could Brian do
this to me!? I got up fast, went to my room, and locked the door. That was
stupid. This is my home. What am I doing?

Rich - "Damn damn damn." Brian came to the door.

Brian - "Rich..please..open the door," after hearing nothing but silence he
continues, "He begged me to let him come and..I dont know...I didn't think
you'd react like that."

Rich - "Brian, do me a favor?"

Brian - "What? Anything."

Rich - "Ok, once Kevin is out the door, come back inside, and lock the door
on 'your' way out."

Brian - "I'm so sorry, please, just let me in there to talk to you." I
couldn't believe the nerve of him. I had a lot to say to him though, so I
let him in. I didn't want Kevin to hear this.

Rich - "Look, I just have one thing to say to you."

Brian - "Wha-"

Rich - "Shut up and let me talk." I dont know how I was acting like
this. I've never felt so angry. "Ok, you wanna know why I'm upset? I
thought we were friends."

Brian - "But, Rich, you know I am your friend and I just made a mistake,
thats all." He pleaded with me with the saddest look in his eyes." I wasn't
finished though.

Rich - "Ya, sure, cut the b/s Brian. I see what your doing here."

Brian - "Ok, what is it you think I'm doing?"

Rich - "I dont think your doing anything, I said I know what your
doing. Ok, your cousin is a little lonely, being the kind person you are,
you thought you'd help him out. I mean, seeing me at the concert was just
the oppurtunity you needed. So, me and Kevin have a past, that'd make it
easier for us to hook up. And now, you show up here hoping that it will be
love at first sight with me. Well, news flash buddy, its not gonna
happen. So, why dont you make this easy for the both of us and just leave
and never come back here again." I was so caught up in my speach I didn't
notice Brian crying. He spoke up.

Brian - "No..dont you even..", it was hard for him to talk between sobs, "I
would never do that to you. Dont you remember? We're brothers. And I'm
really hurt that you think so little of me. I only let Kevin come because
he really needed to appologize and explain himself to you. Yeah, I think
that would help him, but thats not the reason he's here. I really thought
it would help you out. If I were you I'd go for the chance to confront the
man that walked out on me." I felt horrible for making Brian cry. I walked
over and pulled him into a hug. I then realized that I was crying too.

Rich - "I'm so sorry, I dont know what came over me....I'm just."

Brian - "Its ok, I understand. I'm sorry too. I should have remembered."

Rich - "Remembered what?"

Brian - "You know, next time I do something that involves you, I better
involve you." I was touched that he remembered that. Brian really was my
best friend. Or, anyways, one of my best friends.

Rich - "Is 'he' still here?"

Brian - "I think he's on the couch."

Rich - "Can I talk to him alone?"

Brian - "You want me to leave?"

Rich - "No, I mean, theres a tv in here--"

Brian - "Say no more." He turned on the tv and flipped through the
channels, finally coming to a halt on MTV, oh what a surprise, a bsb video
was on. I stepped out of the room and shut the door behind me. I walked
over to the living room and saw Kevin with his face on his lap. He looked
like he was crying. I sat down on another couch opposite of him. He didn't
get up.

Kevin - "Is he gonna talk to me?" He obviously thought I was Brian.

Rich - "Shoot away." I didn't know where this confidence came from, but I
might as well use it. I dont get it very often. He slowly got up and turned
to look at me. Our eyes met, but he quickly looked back at the floor. For a
moment I kinda felt bad for him. But just for a moment.

Kevin - "I know I have no right to be here. I know you didn't want
this. And I'm sorry for that. But, I need to explain myself, you have the
right to know why I did what I did to you."

Rich - "Like I dont know." I said it really soft, but I think he heard me.

Kevin - "It had nothing to do with you."

Rich - "Ya right, it had everything to do with me and what I told you that
night!" I wasn't shouting, but I made it clear as to just how angry I
was. Kevin remained quiet for a time.

Kevin - "Your right." That hurt me so much, even though I knew it
already. Verbal confirmation is different than suspecting something.

Rich - "And your here to say I'm sorry right?"

Kevin - "If thats what you want to hear." I wasn't sure what that meant.

Rich - "I'm pretty sure you know I dont really want to hear anything at all
from you, I'm doing this for Brian."  I was pretty sure I was lying to
myself, but I didn't need to let Kevin know. Kevin wiped his eyes with one
of his sleave's before continuing.

Kevin - "I'm just saying, I needed to come here to give you an
explanation. Not to say I'm sorry."

Rich - "What the fuck are you saying Kevin? You feel you owe me an excuse,
but you dont feel sorry for what you did to me?" My confidence was still
there, but it was met by my anger and together, they teamed up against him.

Kevin - "Not an excuse, an explanation. And once you hear it you'll know
why I'm not sorry."

Rich - "Fine, I could use a good story." I could see how much Kevin was
hurting. Good for him.

Kevin - "Just please listen to what I have to say. You can believe it or
you can just go back to hating me for the rest of your life, but either way
I need to tell you." I didn't feel like wasting anymore of my time so I
figured I'd just let him get his 'explanation' over with.

Rich - "Go ahead, I'm listening." I rolled my eyes.

Kevin - (Kevin gives his explanation, this is a reenactment of it. Kevin is
the narrator)

____________________
Five years ago

I knocked on his door. Damn, I was so hyped up. Here I am, 22 year old man,
in love with a 17 year old boy. I would have felt it was morally wrong, but
Richard always made me feel good about it. He was always...so kind..  and
considerate to my feelings. He was really mature for his age. Rich's door
swung open.

Rich - "Hey there handsome!" He wrapped his hands around my waist and
kissed me on the nose. I love this guy so much.

Kevin - "Hey? Do you treat all your visitors like this?"

Rich - "Hmm, not really, just the drop dead gorgeous ones. But.."

Kevin - "But what?"

Rich - "We'd better get this over with before my boyfriend gets here."

Kevin - "Oh? Is that so? Well...I guess we better get a move on it." I
picked him up, only do be smacked upside the head. "Oww....Harsh!"

Rich - "If you want a bitch, my next door neighbor has a crush on you."

Kevin - "What?" He always seemed to talk in riddles.

Rich - "I'm saying, if you want a lady than go get one. Otherwise dont
treat 'me' like one." Damn he was so cute when he was fussy.

Kevin - "I'm sorry cutey." I hope he wasn't gonna be mad at me. He frowned
for a second, then put on his goofy grin and pulled me into a kiss. Nope,
not mad. I felt his tongue prodding around in my mouth. He was so good at
that. I started sucking on his top lip. He moaned and I could feel the
vibrations in my mouth. He pulled out of the kiss.

Rich - "Kev, I wanna ask you something." I was about to respond for him to
go ahead but he continued anyways.  "Have you ever...you know?"

Kevin - "What?" I then realized what he was talking about and what he was
leading to. I was shocked. Not that he was moving to fast, but I hadn't
really thought about going that distance with him yet. Partly because of
the age difference thing. "Ummm, I... you..If you mean have I had actual
sex...no...no I havn't....but.."

Rich - "But? How far have you gone?"

Kevin - "Do you really need to know?" I wasn't really comfortable with the
flow of the conversation.

Rich - "Well, if you wouldn't mind.." He knew that I would tell him
anything he needed to know so he didn't really need to put much effort into
convincing me.

Kevin - "Hmm...As you know...I've had girlfriends..just like you y'know, to
keep with the 'in' crowd."

Rich - "I'm not talking about what you did with girls. If your telling me
you got head from one of the cheerleaders, I dont really care. Its just
like masturba--"

Kevin - "Ok, I get the picture." He was always so blunt, thats one of the
reasons I loved him. I know he wasn't someone who was gonna b/s me. "And,
to answer your question, no, I've never been anywhere with a guy." He
seemed pleased with my answer.

Rich - "Well...I was wondering...I mean..I love you, you know that?"

Kevin - "Yeah, of course, and I love you too babe." Ok, I knew where he was
going with this.

Rich - "..Will you..make love to me?" I was worried. I was legally an adult
and he was legally a minor. And, after all the trust his mother put in me,
what would she think? He seemed to sence my thoughts.

Kevin - "You know I would love to--"

Rich - "Ya I know. But I'm just a kid and you dont want to corrupt me." He
was hurt, damn it, I hate it when I hurt him. "Its ok Kevin, I'm just gonna
go up to my room and play nintendo or something, you know us kids, cant get
enough video games." He walked up to his room. I felt so bad. How can I
belittle his age now? I mean, I've been leading him on for the longest
time. But it was more than leading him on. I was in love with Rich and he
loved me right back. I had to right to hold back on him after all we had
been through. I decided I was gonna make it up to him. I walked upstairs
and knocked on his door. He wouldn't answer. I opened it. Oh my god. There
were candles and soft music was playing.

Kevin - "Rich? Whats this about?" He was sitting on the bed and, whoa, he
actually was playing a video game.

Rich - "Ugh, its about time you got here." He turned off the game and took
my hand leading me to the bed.

Kevin - "Hehe, slow down babe, we have all night."

Rich - "Ya, thats true, but your so irresistable." He sat back down on the
bed. I sat down next to him. After all he had done to get me here, he was
starting to act timid.

Kevin - "Whats the matter?" If he needed more time for this I would gladly
give it to him. But I didn't think that was the problem.

Rich - "I dont know...what to do.." He smiled.

Kevin - "Hmm...why dont you let 'me'..do 'you'.." Thats not the way I
wanted to say that, but in my head it sounded ok.

Rich - "Fine..lets...get 'it' on." His voice was so cute and boyish, but
that look in his eyes was the look only a man could give. I led him into a
lying position on his back. I slowly took off his sweatshirt revealing his
smooth tan chest and stomach. He had just started working out a few months
ago, he wasn't well defined but he was still quite a site to see. I pulled
it over his head. Then I carefully blew out the candles. It would be less
tench for the both of them in the darkness. I layed down beside him and led
him by his chin to face me. I then carefully kissed around his face. I
kissed his forhead and licked around his chin till I got to his neck. I was
going as gentle as possible, but I was getting really worked up. I sucked
on his neck and on his adams apple, I could feel the moans as they escaped
his throat. I then locked my lips around his. Before I could start anything
he had darted his tongue into my mouth. I let him do his thing. He was a
far better kisser than I was. I guess he must have picked it up from his
numerous girlfriends. The thought of all those women kissing my man made me
really jealous. It also made me want him even more. I broke the kiss to let
him take off my shirt. He tried pulling it off my head, but the collar was
a little small and a button broke. I took the shirt the rest of the way
off. Who cares about a stupid shirt when I was in the best moment of my
life. I wanted to make this the best moment of his life too. He was feeling
around my chest. He pulled me closer to him and started sucking on my
nipple. It was amazing, even better than his kisses. He was gently chewing
and sucking on my nipple. As sexy as it was to me, I couldn't help but
think how cute it was. He looked like breast feeding baby. I didn't really
like to think of breast feeding my boyfriend but I couldn't help but think
that, the slurping noises weren't helping much either. I pulled back and
layed down on top of him. He widened his legs a little to make it more
comfortable, but the jeans refused to let that happen. They would have to
go. I unzipped his pants and pulled them down off of his legs and onto the
floor, he was left in his cotton boxer briefs. He looked like some sort of
God in the moonlight. I was about to remove mine and he seemed to want to
help me so I let him. He pulled them off like I was a present on Christmas
morning. He pulled me back on top of him. My cock slid out of my boxers and
brushed up agaist his thigh as I layed back down. He gasped. That made me
laugh. He seemed to be enjoying himself. I started grinding my hips into
his crotch.

Rich - "hhuu uhhuh..Kev, I.."

Kevin - "Whoa, slow down there tiger. I want this to last." I wasn't about
to let him give up so early on.

Rich - "I'll try...mmm.." He slid his hands underneath my boxers and
started massaging and groping my butt as I continued grinding. Whoa, he was
getting to me, I was getting really close too. I kissed him on the chest
and got up so I was kneeling in between his legs.

Kevin - "Ok babe, you did bring condoms didn't you?", even in the darkness
I could see him get confused.

Rich - "You think I have AID's?" I was shocked, of course I didn't think
that.

Kevin - "No I just think your way too young to be having unprotected--" I
stopped. I was going on with the age thing again. I trusted him and I know
he had every right to trust me right back. "I'm sorry babe, I was just,
nevermind." I was expecting him to be mad at me, but I guess he understood
where I was coming from.

Rich - "Well, I thought you might say that. So I came prepared." He flipped
on a light. He looked even more glorious then I could have possible
imagined. He walked over to the dresser as I gazed over his smooth legs to
his tight butt which was all but concealed under his skin tight boxers. He
came back and threw a condom case at me. I picked it up, yep, Rich must
have bought this himself. It was strawberry flavoured and Rich loved
strawberry's. He jumped back onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me. I
flipped the light off again.  I felt his warm body pull away. He reached
over to my hand and grabbed the condom away. He then lifted me up into a
sitting position. I swung my legs over a side of the bed and waited for him
to do whatever he wanted.  I could hear him open the condom case. He then
kissed my stomach. I could feel what I guess were what people called
butterfly's swimming all inside me. He then kneeled down on the floor in
front of my and kissed my crotch. He kissed the outline of my cock and gave
it a playful bite underneath my underwear. He then placed his hands on
either side of my waist and slid my boxers all the way off and threw them
to a corner. I could see him marveling over my manhood. He then placed the
condom carefully over it and pulled it down. I was concentrating really
hard not to let loose right then. He then lowered his head and started
kissing up and down my thighs, every once and a while letting his tongue
out. I love him so much! He moved higher and kissed the base of my cock and
sucked around it. I placed my hands underneath his armpits and lifted him
back onto the bed so he was leaning on his side. He resumed his game as I
started my own. I reached out and moved his underwear down as far as I
could without getting up. I then placed my hand around his penis. It was so
warm, and bigger than I thought it would be. He was maybe around 7 and 1/2
inches. I started jacking him off as he began to deep throat me. I moved my
hand down and started carressing his balls. I moved back farther through
his legs and traced his crotch area until I reached his butt. It was warm
too. God, this is the best thing I've ever felt in my life.  I traced his
crack until I found what I was looking for. I carefully placed my finger
over his bud and slowly inserted it. He picked his head off of my cock and
whispered -

Rich - "Kevin I love you." I could feel the breath of his words over my
cock. I love him so much, he's my best friend and my lover and I love him
more than anything.

Kevin - "I love you too babe." I was gonna show him that. I slipped my
finger in and out a few times before stopping. I picked his head off of my
cock so he was looking in my eyes. "Are you ready for this?"

Rich - "I love you." Those words were the perfect answer. I let him crawl
up higher on the bed and lie on his back. I joined him and kneeled back in
between his legs. He was so perfect. And he loves me. I kept thinking about
that as I placed the head of my manhood over his hole. I felt up his legs
and slowly lifted them to my shoulders. If he weren't so excited, I imagine
he's scold me for treating him like a lady. But, this was best position for
the first time. I could look into his eyes and see how fast or slow to go
and see if he was in any pain. I saw him reach over underneath the bed. He
brought his hand back and reached out to me with a vaseline jar. I laughed.

Kevin - "Considering I'm a virgin too, I know I'm not a sexpert, but, I
think your supposed to use lube."

Rich - "Ya, ok, it was embarrasing enough buying the condoms. Why dont you
try buying the lube?" I could see his point. I placed some vaseline on my
finger and lubed him up. He moaned again.

Kevin - "I hope you realize thats my finger."

Rich - "I know, your kinda tiny, but not that small."

Kevin - "Excuuussseee me?"

Rich - "Relax cuty, I'm kidding."

Kevin - "Oh, ok..well..." I took out my finger and placed my cock back over
his hole. He looked a little worried.  "Dont worry, I'm not gonna hurt you,
I'm not gonna hurt you. I love you."

Rich - "I know, I love you too." Wow, we said that a lot tonight. Those
words were....so wonderful. And they had so much meaning. I slowly pressed
forward.

Kevin - "Are you ok?" He smiled.

Rich - "I've never felt better babe."

Kevin - "Ok..I'm gonna go..you know..(I smile shyly)..faster..so brace
yourself.." I started pumping in and out in slow steady motions. I could
feel his thighs rubbing against me as I continued bucking into him. He
gripped the sheets. I would of thought in pain, but the look on his face
changed my mind. Feeling him all round my penis was too much to bear. I
managed to babble out, "I...mmm....close" He responded by sitting up and
kissing me as I released load after load into the condom. He broke the
kiss.

Rich - "Kevin?"

Kevin - "Yeah babe?" I pulled out of him, threw the condom in the trash,
and pulled him into my embrace.

Rich - "I dont know..I was just thinking..How...I'd love to be yours..you
know..as in forever?" I was shaken.  Not physically...But mentally..I felt
the same way. I wish I could marry him and live happily ever after. But,
that wasn't an option. I would never let Rich throw his life away to be
with me. I know how it is. We cant let anyone know about us. And living
with a secret love was a big responsibility. I would bear the responsiblity
for anything. Rich was the man of my dreams. He was there for me where
noone else was. He was the only one I could talk to about my fathers
death. He made sure not to pity me like everyone else, but he made himself
available to me whenever he thought I might need him. He always goes with
me when I visit my fathers burial ground. But I couldn't do that to him. He
would of course go along with me if I accepted him as my life partner. But
that would be risking his life, his social life and his self esteem. I
didn't want anyone to hurt him and I knew if we stayed together he would be
plagued with regection. He knew that was Richards biggest fear.

Kevin - "Umm...Your not asking me to marry you are you?" I didn't like the
way that sounded coming out of my mouth. But it didn't matter. I had
already made up my mind. Dammit dammit. I had to hold back the tears. I
couldn't let him know anything was wrong. Because Rich has a way of reading
my mind and I didn't want him to know what I was thinking. I was gonna
leave him alone. I'm a monster. I should have realized this before I made
love to him. Dammit dammit dammit. I could hear him talking but I was too
shaken to figure out his words.  I just pulled him next to me and let him
fall asleep. After I felt his slow rhythmic breathing I carefully pushed
him away. Dammit dammit dammit. I'm a cold monster. I thought about leaving
him a note, but I couldn't risk waking him and by this time I was shaking
too much to concentrate. Just go Kevin. Just go and leave the poor kid
alone. He doesn't need you anymore, not you, your a monster. I dont know
where that voice came from. But I knew who it was. It was my conscience. I
tried to block it out. I was crying hysterically now besides trembling. I
love you Richy. I love you. Please dont hate me. I kissed him on the head
before turning around and walking away. I didn't look back once at him for
fear I wouldn't go through with this. I exited the house and got in my
jeep. I turned the key in ignition. The radio went off with a slow Madonna
song --

//Say goodbye, not knowing when The truth in my whole life began//

I love you babe. Please god, dont let him hate me. I'm doing this for
him. He's too young to make this kind of decision and its my job as
his...his protector...to take that decision away. Dammmit. I was crying so
much as I pulled out of the driveway.


//Say goodbye, not knowing how To cry you taught me that//

I didn't know where I was going, or how I was gonna get there. But I
couldn't stay in this town. I knew I wasn't strong enough to face him, I
knew seeing his face would make me give into my temptation. I wouldn't do
that to him. I swerved to the right to avoid a car, I couldn't keep my eyes
focused on the road. The tears were so immence. It started to rain.

//And I'll remember the strength that you gave me Now that I'm standing on
my own I'll remember the way that you saved me I'll remember//

I knew I'd never replace 'him'. I was really picky when it came to
relationships. He was the best. The best I could ever have. The best anyone
could ever have. Rich would eventually move on. He was strong like that. It
was one of the things I'd admired most about him. I love you babe. He
proved to me that there was such a thing as love. Not just blowjobs from
all the cheerleaders. He gave me a reason to wake up in the morning

//Inside, I was a child That could not mend a broken wing Outside, I looked
for a way To teach my heart to sing//

I didn't know how I was managing to keep my eyes open. They felt so
heavy. I wasn't sleepy though. All the life had run out of me. No
Kevin. Dont be selfish. Dont you dare turn around. It was my conscience
again.

//And I'll remember the love that you gave me Now that I'm standing on my
own I'll remember the way that you changed me I'll remember//

I turned onto the intersection. I was going away far away. Far far
away. Far away from my life. Far away from my love. How can I go on? I
really am a monster.

//I learned to let go Of the illusion that we can possess I learned to let
go I travel in stillness And I remember Happiness I'll remember//

I didn't know how I never saw it before. He was too good for me. Dammit
Kevin stop. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. I couldn't help it. The rain
flew into my eyes. I didn't bother putting the hood up. I deserved to be
out in the cold. In fact, I deserved far worse.

//I'll remember//

My heart seemed to be crashing down on itself. Dont you dare pass out
Kevin. A car accident would be too good for you.


//And I'll remember the love that you gave me Now that I'm standing on my
own I'll remember the way that you changed me I'll remember....//

I saw no other cars in sight. It was just like my life. Alone. Before I met
Rich that is. I'm back where I was now.  I knew I'd never forget him. It
was a lifetime curse. My curse. I'd always remember him. Always.

___________________________
Back in the present

I watched Kevin as he finished his story. He seemed to be reliving it right
there on my couch. I felt so bad for him. I believed every word he said. He
was too sincere with it to be lying. I believed him. I reached out and
handed him a tissue. He looked up at me with the saddest most hurt look on
his face. I didn't believe what he said before. He was sorry. Not sorry for
leaving in hopes of a better life for me. But sorry, for hurting me. He
took the tissue and I felt his cold hand brush against mine. Before I knew
what I was doing I grabbed him into a hug and we both cried together. He
returned the hug and placed his head on my neck. He seemed shocked at his
action and was just about to get up when I kissed the top of his head. We
stayed like that for a while.


Ok, I hope you liked this chapter, it was one I really got into. And I'm
getting more into this writing stuff.  I didn't even realize it but I
speant 3 hours writing this. Well....Thanks for reading it and as always,
feel free to tell me what you thought.

Me ---> Richy@onebox.com