Date: Mon, 1 Oct 2001 15:36:00 EDT
From: MrClean290@aol.com
Subject: The Thing With Nick 11

Hello!
It's taken some time, but i have now gotten back to a computer.
Disclaimer:  simply put: its fiction, meaning not true
Enjoy and feedback has been wonderful, please keep it up


The thing with Nick
11

The thing with Nick is, he wavers between our world and his own.

The cameras moved between Nick and Kevin and Brian.  They were the ones
who could formulate words.  When Nick began to cry I had to bite my lip
because I couldn't stand and go to him.

	" We'll always be Backstreet Boys, until one of us dies."
Nick's face began to quiver and the tears cascaded.  MTV, our fans,
everyone know knew that Nick Carter did in fact cry.

	"CUT!"

	" Thanks Guys, I know this was hard, but thanks."  Carson nodded
quickly in Nick's direction and then left us to be alone.

Nick stood suddenly and pointed at me.

	" This is all your fault!  You drove him to this.  You made him
unhappy.  How could not notice?  You're his best friend, how could you?"
	" What?  Nick, I didn't cause this."
	" Yes you did."
	" Nicky, how could you say that to me?"
	" You know!"
	" No, I don't."
	" That last night together.  You made him feel that he wasn't
enough."
	" Nick, you sound ridiculous."
	" Shut up Kevin, you don't know anything."
	" Would you care to enlighten him?"  I asked softly, hoping, in
reality, no one would hear me.
	" Yeh, sure, why the hell not."
	" What?"
	" Howie yelled out my name during sex with AJ.  Finalizing in
AJ's mind that he wasn't enough for our dear Sweet D here."
	" Jesus Christ Nicky!  Can you honestly stand here and accuse
me of putting AJ in rehab?  He did this to himself.  He treated me like
shit; it caught up with him.  He knew, even long before I told you, that
I loved you, he KNEW!  Okay!  In his own fucked up mind, he felt that he
was helping.  But he wasn't.  He was hurting himself.  So yes, we, not
just I, should have stopped him, but damn it, don't you think this is
tearing me apart.  AJ means the world to me, and the man that was my
first love, my first basically everything is now in self-destruct mode.
And yes, knowing that I could have prevented it in some way shape or
form is KILLING me; it's killing me Nicky.  And the one person who is
able to comfort me, is fucking blaming me."

Kevin and Brian looked back and forth to each other and back to Nick and
me.  They honestly didn't know what was going on.  And I wasn't in a
place to tell them.  I turned to them with a final thought.

	" Blame me if you wish along with Nick.  At this point, I don't
think it matters.  But perhaps," I turned back to Nick, " Nick will
'fess up to everything.  And maybe then it will make some sense."

I walked out of the studios with my head up, but my spirits down.

As the cab pulled me closer to the hotel, I began to contemplate so many
things my head felt dizzy by the time I got to my room.

I keep thinking about the other night.  The words we said.  The tears we
shed.  That was real life.  This, this isn't.  Moping around in lavishly
decorated hotel rooms, and fancy cars that no one really cares about,
those aren't real.  But when I look into Nick's eyes, and I see all the
things I'm scared to feel, and feel all the things I'm too scared to see,
I know its real.  But the fights we have, and the fights we cause, it
gets tiring, almost not worth it.  But how can I judge his worth, my
worth?  That's up to God, who am I to decide such things?

I can crawl into my bed and pretend like the life surrounding me doesn't
exist, or I can drive around in my fancy car and show off my fancy
clothes, but it doesn't mean much if he isn't watching, if I'm not
showing off to him.

So, what am I to do?  Wait around until its too late, or just live my
life in the now, and see what happens?  I'd like to pick the latter...

But, I cant.  I can't choose anything.  Because I'm stuck at this
standstill now.  Where everything in our relationship now depends
on Nick.  If he tells the truth.  If he remains a child who won't
take the blame.  If I remain stubborn and don't knock some sense
into him.  If I stay hidden under covers to shut out the light of
a day, I wish I could forget.

His eyes.  The blue turned to red with anger and black with sadness
as he threw his words to my heart.  His lips, softness to chapped to
rough and uncomfortable as he spit out blame that belonged not just
onto my soul.  His skin, his gentle touch, as frozen and invincible
as the touches he gave me.  His heart, as stone cold as the hand he
put on my shoulder.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

The thing with Nick is, he still has so much to learn.
~~~~~~~
Hey Yall, sorry its taken so long, i'm still having a block on chap 13,
but i wanted this out now anyway.
Enjoy and feedback, as always, to: MrClean290@aol.com