Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000 10:51:58 EDT
From: Whatever It Takes <teresa_8998@hotmail.com>
Subject: Whatever It Takes 6

Disclaimer: If you don't like it or you shouldn't be reading it, then don't.

**This chapter kinda has a different twist to it. It's written more from an
internal point of view, and we finally get to see what's going on in their
minds. I hope you're pleased. As always, please send feedback to
teresa_8998@hotmail.com. Thanks!**

Whatever It Takes - Chapter 6

By, Teresa

Justin stood in front of the bathroom mirror and stared intently at his own
reflection. He screwed his eyes tightly shut and then opened them again. `I
don't look any different, do I?'  he thought. He turned his head from side
to side. `I wonder if people will be able to tell.' He shook his head
forcefully as if to clear his thoughts. `I'm losing it. I really must be
losing it,' he said to himself, as he sat down on the edge of the
bathtub. `Like people are going to be able to magically see that
I'm....that I'm..oh what the hell am I?'  He buried his face in his
hands. `Am I gay? Not really. Am I straight? Guess not.' He smiled
ruefully, and got up to look at himself in the mirror once again. "So what
are you?" he asked himself out loud.

He heard a timid knock on the door. "Just?" Lance called. "Are you okay in
there? I really need to get ready. You gonna be long?"

Justin let out an exasperated sigh and bowed his head to look into the
sink, studying the drain as if it were the most fascinating thing he'd ever
seen. Lance. He was the reason for all of this. For this confusion, this
doubt, this introspection. They had become so close in the past few weeks,
and Justin had felt himself becoming more and more desperate to have Lance
around. If they were apart during the day, he would find himself thinking
about him, wondering what he was doing or thinking at that same moment. At
night, he would catch himself watching Lance sleep, wanting desperately to
climb into bed with him like he had that one night, and just curl up next
to him, feeling safe and warm in his presence. Over meals or meetings with
the other guys, he would find himself staring at Lance just a little too
long, taking in the way that he moved, he spoke, he blinked. At first,
Justin had chalked it up to his emotional side, thinking that maybe his
stay in the hospital had impacted him more deeply than he realized - that
maybe he just needed someone, anyone to talk to and be around. But as more
time passed, he realized that there was more to it than that. He didn't
want just anyone to be there holding his hand when he was scared or lonely
at night. He wanted it to be Lance, only Lance. It wasn't the first time
that he had found himself attracted to another man. Over the years, he had
found himself attracted to a number of guys, but had never acted on it. He
was frightened, not knowing anything other than dating girls. Truth be
told, it wasn't all that crushing for him to not act on those feelings,
because they were fleeting attractions. However, Lance wasn't going
anywhere, and his feelings for him ran much deeper than a simple physical
attraction.  That much he knew.

Another knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts once again.
"Justin!" Lance cried. "Please man, I gotta go!" Justin smiled to himself,
imagining Lance hopping around outside the door, desperate to get into the
bathroom. He took a deep breath to steady himself and opened the door to
face Lance who wore a pained expression on his face. "It's all yours,"
Justin said with a grin.

"Finally!" Lance replied. "Why I room with the biggest prima donna out of
all of us is beyond me. By the time I get a chance to use the bathroom I
have ten minutes to get ready and I come out looking like crap.." His voice
trailed off as the shower was turned on. Justin turned away from the door,
smiling to himself at Lance's pointless ramblings. He didn't know what the
realization of his feelings meant for him at this moment, but he knew just
who he needed to talk to.

--------

Lance stood under the steady stream of water and let it cascade down his
body, enveloping him in its warmth. He wished that the water could wash
away more than just the dirt off his body. It had been three days since
Justin had kissed him in the restaurant, and his face still burned with the
feel of Justin's lips. He was sure that it had been nothing more than an
innocent gesture of Justin's thanks, but at the same time, when he thought
about that mixed with Justin having crawled into his bed the night before,
he just felt confused. Justin was so obviously straight, wasn't he? Lance
had never seen him with another man, and he'd always seemed to have a
girlfriend. Lance shook his head. There was just no way. His own feelings
were obviously causing him to read into things way too much.

He just wished that he could get Justin out of his mind. Every time he was
near him, or every time that Justin brushed up against him -which seemed to
be happening a lot more often lately - it became more and more unbearable
to not just reach out and grab him. He smiled as he thought about
Justin. He loved everything about him, from his giant mop of hair to his
skinny legs. More than anything, he loved Justin's heart. It was something
that he so rarely showed to people, but when he did, the undamaged part of
his soul was revealed, and it was the most beautiful thing in the world to
Lance. He leaned his head against the cool tiles of the shower and shut his
eyes, willing the feel of Justin's touch, the softness of his lips, and the
beauty of his smile to be erased from his mind. He didn't know how much
longer he could stand this closeness, while still feeling so far away.

-------- JC sat at the small table in his hotel room, hunched over his
notepad and jotting down tentative lyrics to a new song. He was busy
humming out the tune in his head, when he was interrupted by a light knock
on his door. He swiveled his head up and shouted, "Come on in, it's open!"

He watched as the door swung open and Justin stood there in the door frame
as if he was debating whether or not to enter the room. JC looked at him
with a curious expression. "Are you gonna come in, or were you planning on
standing there practicing your earthquake safety techniques all day?"

Justin looked at him with an annoyed expression. "Oh ha ha, you're a real
comedian these days," he said.  His expression immediately turned serious
and JC noticed that he looked very distracted. He looked at Justin with
concern.

"J, what's wrong?" he asked, worry evident in his voice. "Are you feeling
okay? Is anything bothering you?"

Justin nervously kicked at the carpet with the toe of his shoe, and he
looked down, unsure of how to approach the subject. "Well, I kinda wanted
to talk to you about something," he finally said. "But I'm suddenly very
very nervous and I don't know how to start." He sat down on the edge of the
bed, and rubbed his sweaty palms over his pants leg.

JC stood up and dragged his chair over so that he was sitting directly in
front of Justin. He put his elbows on his knees so that he could bend down
far enough to look up at him. "You know you don't have to be nervous with
me," he said gently. "You can tell me anything. I'll never judge you and
I'll always be here to help."

"You promise?" Justin asked, feeling unsure.

"Scouts honor," JC said, holding up his hand.

"JC, you were never a boy scout," Justin said, laughing.

"That's besides the point," JC replied. "Now, are you going to talk to me
here or what?"

"Okay, okay, here goes," Justin said shakily. "How did you know that you
were - you were -." He stammered, unable to find a way to get the words
out.

"Know that I was what," JC asked. "A singer? A writer? I don't think I'm
following you here." Justin let out a groan. JC was being dense and it
really wasn't helping. His frustration spurred him on to just spit out the
words.

"No, you dork, how did you know that you were, ya know, bi?" Justin
replied.

"Ohhhhh, that," JC replied, slowly nodding his head, before laughing. "Geez
J, it's not like it's some big, deep, dark secret."

"JC, please," Justin said with a tinge of frustration in his voice.

"Ok, sorry," JC replied. "Well, I mean it was pretty simple. I like girls
and I like guys too. I enjoy being with both of them. To me, it's not like,
`Oh I like you because you're a girl.' It's more like, `I like you as a
person and I feel a connection to you, so I want to be with you.' Whether
it's a guy or a girl isn't really important. It's really about who you can
connect with on that level. For me, it just kinda happened. I can't think
of any one defining moment in time where I was like, `Hey, I'm bi.'  It's
just who I am. I can't change that and I don't want to."

Justin nodded along and listened to JC's words intently. He felt as if JC
was giving him a description of his own feelings. He had never considered
himself gay or bisexual up to this point, but he had never felt the same
emotional connection with another man that he was experiencing with
Lance. Whenever he was near him, he felt an overwhelming compulsion to
touch him, to have a physical connection with him. He realized that he may
have been finding excuses to brush up against his arm or his hand far too
often lately, but he didn't care. He needed it. He needed Lance.

"Yoo-hoo, Justin, you still with me here?" JC said in a sing-song voice as
he waved his hand in front of Justin's face.

"Huh?" Justin replied, startled, feeling a blush beginning to creep into
his cheeks. "Oh I'm sorry. I was just thinking."

"So do you care to share why you felt this overwhelming need to bring up
this particular subject?" JC pried.

Justin looked at him, unsure. He desperately wanted to tell JC. He was so
happy and his feelings for Lance so fresh and exciting, that he felt like
gushing on and on about him for hours. At the same time, he was scared. He
didn't know how Lance felt in return, and he didn't want JC fawning over
him and feeling sorry for him if things didn't go well. `Oh what the hell,'
he thought. He had to tell somebody, and it might as well be JC.

"Okay, if I tell you, I want you to PROMISE me not to tell," Justin said.
"None of this `scouts honor' crap either. This is like, `If you tell, then
your first-born son better be named Justin.'"

JC laughed. "All right, I promise. If I breathe a word of this to anyone,
then `Justin Chasez' it will be."

Justin smiled, feeling more relaxed. "Well, I guess it's no secret that
Lance and I have gotten pretty close lately," he began. "We're closer than
we've ever been. We hang out, we talk, we've basically been spending all of
our time together, and strangely, I'm not sick of him yet."  His face
glowed as he began to talk about Lance.

JC nodded along, smiling. He felt like he was going to burst with joy
inside. He knew this was coming. He had seen it. But he couldn't force them
to see it until they were ready, and now it was all starting to unfold
right before his eyes. He could barely contain himself from jumping up and
giving Justin a big hug of congratulations, but he fought to stay calm, and
let Justin tell him in his own time.

"So anyway, I don't know, something just clicked for me at one point,"
Justin continued. "It was like, there I was moping around feeling sorry for
myself, wondering when I was going to find someone to love.  Wondering when
I was going to be truly happy again, when I realized that it was sitting
there staring me in the face the whole time."

JC grinned as he watched Justin take on a lovestruck grin as his eyes
glazed over slightly. "Nobody's ever made me feel the way he does," Justin
said softly. "I feel like the most important person in the world when I'm
with him. And it's not like the `Oh you're a big famous star' kind of
important that people throw at me every day. It's more like a `You are
special enough to have me care about you' kind of important. Not that Lance
knows that his care is so valuable, but still, you know, it means a lot to
me."

"God JC, I don't know what to do," he said almost desperately. "I've never
felt this way about anyone before, let alone a guy, let alone one of my
best friends! How am I supposed to deal with this every day without having
a nervous breakdown?"

"That's easy," JC replied calmly. "You tell him."

"Are you nuts?!" Justin cried. "I can't tell him! I have no idea how he
feels, and what if he just like freaks out on me and never wants to be my
friend again?"

He looked at JC with sad and pleading eyes. "I couldn't deal with that
JC. I couldn't stand a day without him in my life. Even if I can only have
him as a friend, it's better than not having him at all."

JC grabbed Justin's shoulders and steadied the boy in his increasingly
panicky state. "Justin," he said firmly and slowly. "Trust me on this
one. He won't turn away from you, and he won't hate you. I have a feeling
that you'll both be VERY happy."

"How do you know?" Justin said as he eyed JC suspiciously. "Has he said
something to you? Do you know something you're not telling me?"

"Calm down Just," JC replied. "He hasn't told me anything, but I just know.
I know you're going to think I'm nuts for telling you to take this chance
without any outward expression of his feelings, but you need to be the one
to do this. He isn't brave enough to do it. He won't approach you, and he
won't tell you his feelings, but I KNOW they're there. He cares about you
Justin."

"Yeah, well he's my friend," Justin said warily. "That's what friends do."

"Justin, no, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you talk yourself out of
this," JC replied. To hell with keeping it in, and not pushing them. He
wasn't going to let them get this close and back out. "Look me in the
eyes."

Justin turned his gaze up to JC's face, and JC almost flinched. He had
never seen Justin look so scared and vulnerable as he did at that
moment. "Look," he said softly. "I've never been so sure of anything as I
am of this. Lance has feelings for you. Deep feelings. He's content to just
be your friend, because he wants to be close to you, but I know he wants it
to be more. He really does."

"Yeah, but how do you know this?" Justin asked.

"Think about it," JC replied. "When was the last time Lance had a
girlfriend, or even went out on a date.  He's been devoting all of his time
to you, and you don't even see it! I've seen the way he looks at you when
he thinks you're not looking. That's not a look you give a friend. It's the
look you give someone you care about deeply. But you have to realize, that
it's not in his nature to be forward and commanding in a situation like
this. He's never going to act on this. I know it's hard, but this is up to
you."

Justin flopped back on the bed and let out a loud groan. "Why is this so
hard?" he wondered aloud. "I want him to know. I really do. Because, even
if there's just a small glimmer of hope that we can be together, man, I
can't even think about it." He propped himself up on his elbows to look at
JC. "I can't even tell you how happy I would be, and how happy I would make
him. I'd do anything for him JC."

"Then tell him," JC said once again. "I have so much faith in the two of
you that if he doesn't respond the way that you want him to respond
I'll..I'll." He fumbled around as he tried to think of something to show
Justin just how certain he was that Lance returned his feelings. "I'll give
you my Leo necklace."

Justin looked up sharply. "You're really that sure, huh?"

"I am," JC replied calmly. "Now go get that underused brain of yours into
gear, and think about what you're going to do to get your man."

Justin smiled nervously. "I've never been more scared or more sure of
anything in my life. Thanks JC. This helped me more than you can know."

JC smiled tenderly. "I'm glad I could be of assistance," he replied. "If
you need anything else, don't hesitate to come to me. I'm always here for
you."

Justin squeezed his hand and headed out the door. Now he knew what he
needed to do, but he just didn't know how to do it.

-------- Lance lay on his bed, trying to decide between watching a movie or
cartoons.  Justin had left the room while he was in the shower, and he
wasn't sure where he had gone. He felt pathetic because he felt terribly
lonely, and he'd only been alone for an hour. He wished he could turn these
feelings off, but every time Justin was near, he felt so vulnerable and
exposed. It always seemed that Justin could see, that he knew how Lance
felt. He felt that it was just so painfully obvious that he might as well
wear a big sign declaring his love for Justin.

Just then, he heard the sound of the key card being slid into the door, and
he knew that Justin was back. He looked at the door expectantly, waiting
for him to enter the room. As Justin entered, he looked up to see Lance
watching him. He immediately took a step back, as if he could pretend that
he never opened to door, and retreat to the refuge of the hall where he
didn't have to go through with this. But there was Lance looking like he
was just waiting for Justin to say something. Damn him.

"Hey," Justin said nervously, unable to maintain Lance's gaze. He shuffled
around the room, tidying and rearranging things, full of nervous
energy. Lance looked at him with a confused expression on his face.

"Hey," he replied slowly, watching Justin lining up his shoes on the floor
of the closet. "Where did you run off to?"

"Oh, I just needed to talk to JC about some..stuff," Justin replied,
continuing to focus on making all of the shoes perfectly parallel. "You
know how he is. He kept me in there forever."  He felt like he was going to
explode and Lance wasn't even doing anything. He was beginning to think
that he might have a coronary right on the spot.

"Oh okay," Lance replied. "I was just wondering where you went. I was
worried about you. I know, I know, I don't need to be, but I am. Sorry." He
held his hands up in defeat expecting Justin to admonish him for worrying
like his "mother." But, Justin didn't respond that way at all.  He seemed
incredibly distracted.

"Ugh, that's it," Justin sputtered out. "We need to talk." He couldn't take
it anymore. Lance sitting there, all concerned, perfectly nice and
innocent, looking amazing with his freshly styled hair and his form fitting
T-shirt as he lay back on the mattress. He had never loathed or desired
anyone so much in his entire life.

Lance was immediately worried. He couldn't think of what could be driving
Justin to distraction, but it seemed as if he was almost uncomfortable
around Lance all of a sudden. `Oh no,' he thought. `Oh God no.  He can't
know.' He felt frozen with fear as the seconds of silence seemed to stretch
for an eternity.

Lance sat up and swung his legs over the side of the mattress so that he
was facing Justin's bed. Justin came and sat down directly across from him,
praying for the strength to just get through this. To get it out and have
it be done. He looked up and noticed Lance looking at him with a worried
and questioning gaze.  He sighed and looked down again. "God, I feel like
I'm going to puke," he muttered.

Lance forgot his own fears for a moment and reached a hand out to cover one
of Justin's own. "What's wrong?" he asked, worried and confused.

"This is so hard Lance," Justin said with a pained expression. "I don't
want you to think any differently of me. This is hard for me to say because
no matter what happens, I know you'll never look at me the same way again."

"There's nothing that can change the way I feel about you," Lance said
softly. "Whatever you say, I'll still be the same friend to you after it's
said that I am right now. I promise you that." Justin looked up sharply.
`The way that he feels about me?' he thought. `What did he mean by that?'

He took a deep breath to steady himself, and decided to plunge ahead before
he had a chance to stop himself. He raised his head and directed a steady
gaze at Lance. He looked down and realized that Lance still held his hand
in his own. He gave it a gentle squeeze and grabbed onto it a little
tighter. "This is so hard for me to say, but there's no other way for me to
get around it, so I'm just going to run the risk of making a complete and
total ass out of myself here, and I'm going to say it." Lance nodded along,
still not grasping where Justin could be going with this.

"These past few weeks together have been so amazing," Justin continued. "I
feel like we've grown closer than ever. Hell Lance, I feel closer to you
than I've ever felt to anyone in my life." His voice began to take on a
desperate edge. "I feel like there's something more happening here.  Like
the lines of where friendship ends and something else begins are becoming
harder and harder to define."

"Oh Justin, I'm sorry," Lance interrupted, pulling his hand away from
Justin's grasp. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just
wanted to be here for you when you needed me. I promise I'll back off.  I
don't want you to feel weird around me." He began to feel tears build up
behind his eyes, so angry with himself for not being more cautious, for
letting his emotions be so obvious.

Justin looked at Lance with a completely confused expression on his face.
"What do you mean?" he asked.  "Why would you think that you'd make me
uncomfortable?"

`Oh shit,' he thought. `What the hell am I doing? Now I just went and made
it worse.'

"It's nothing...really," he replied with an unsteady voice. "I'm sorry I
interrupted you. Just continue."

It was then that Justin knew. He knew that JC was right. How had he been so
blind to this all along? He felt like someone had just reached over and
slapped his face, waking him up from a daze. He suddenly felt empowered to
make a move. It was time to end the tension and the concealment of
feelings. He reached out and cupped the side of Lance's face in his hand,
gently rubbing his thumb over Lance's cheek. Lance looked up and almost
flinched when he saw the care and desire in Justin's eyes. It couldn't be,
could it?  Justin couldn't possibly feel the same way.

"Wh - what are you doing Justin?" Lance stammered.

"Something that I should have done a long time ago," Justin replied. With
that, he leaned across the space between them and drew Lance's face to his
until he felt their noses touch.  Lance closed his eyes and drew in a sharp
breath, not believing that this was happening. Just a moment later he felt
Justin's warm breath against his mouth as his soft lips closed over Lance's
own in a tentative kiss. Justin pulled back and looked into Lance's eyes,
trying to them for an expression, a sign, anything. When Lance finally
opened his eyes and returned Justin's gaze, he was almost taken aback at
what he saw in them. There was passion, there was desire, and most of all
there was love. At that moment, he knew that everything would be all
right. `I owe you one JC,' he thought, as Lance pulled him back in for
another, more passionate kiss.

--------

Didn't I say I'd finally get there this time around? All I know is that
it's great to have them together now.  I'm going out of town again, so
expect chapter 7 in about a week. Thanks so much for reading, and feedback
is always appreciated at teresa_8998@hotmail.com