When I Dream at Night

Disclaimer: The story involves a relationship, between a member of the Backstreet Boys (who? You'll have to read and find out), and a rather charming fellow. Yes, two guys. If that comes as a shock to you: 1. You're a complete moron. 2. You need not procreate. 3. Press ALT and F4 at the same time right... NOW!

It's a love story.. and that means there will be sex in it. That is if I can bring myself to writing it. I think sex is very much a part of a loving relationship, and that is why I want to include it.

Finally, this is fiction and not meant to imply anything about the true sexuality of any member of the Backstreet Boys . If you are underage.. yadda yadda... you shouldn't be reading this.. yadda.. ::mumbles:: (don't get caught). ::mumbles::

Extra Note: For the introduction and background info, small description of Jonathan, the main character, please check out Chapter 1.

Comments, Concerns, Criticisms, Praises: E-mail me at dreamkiid@yahoo.com

Chapter II:

"Oh, shut up!"

"Oh come on, Jonathan! You are going to tell me eventually, so just tell me now!"

"I don't have a crush on anyone, Krista!" I said into my cell phone. Krista was one of my best friends from back home. She had asked me if I had my eye on anyone, and to be funny I answered her, 'you know me, always have my eye on someone,' which was a huge mistake. I was sure she wasn't going to drop this anytime soon.

"There's a lie if I ever heard one. If you don't have your eye on someone, well then I'm giving up any sort of pleasure and becoming a nun!"

"Well then, start praying!" I said laughing.

"I'm seriously not going to drop this until you tell me who has your attention, you know?."

"Krista! I already told you, I can't mix business with pleasure. I'm on a job remember?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Anyways, I really need to get going. I'm suppose to meet a friend down at the hotel's bar and I need to get ready."

"That special someone?" She really didn't give up.

"Good-bye Krista. I'll give you a call when I get some time. Behave, be safe!"

"Don't behave, have fun!"

We always seemed to end the conversation the same way. I'd tell her to behave and she'd tell me to misbehave. She thought I needed to loosen up a bit. I thought she needed to calm down. All our other friends always thought we'd be perfect for each other. Some of them actually thought we had something going on, but we were keeping it a secret. A rumor in our circle of friends started a few months after we became friends, that we had secretly gotten married. A rumor that I've yet to live down!


"Hey Rachel!" I called out to Rachel as soon as I entered the bar. "Sorry it took me so long to get down here but I was on the phone with a friend."

"That's ok. No one ugly tried to pick me up, so its all good." She laughed. "But if a cutie comes around, you better act like you don't know me!"

"Oh gee, thanks," I said, trying to sound insulted.

"Shut up! You know you're a cutie and then some," She said laughing.

"That's true, but I'm still sensitive you know!" I said with a laugh.

A couple hours later, Rachel and I stumbled our way out of the bar. Rachel was 21 and I had made good use of my fake ID. We had the next day off because the Backstreet Boys only had to do promotion that day, and the concert on the following night was going to be in the same arena.

We made our way over to the elevators. Once we reached Rachel's floor, I walked her to her door, to make sure she didn't fall over or anything.

"Thanks Jonathan. You've been great company this evening."

"No, thank you. Every guy should be so lucky to have all your attention for an evening."

Rachel leaned in close to me. Wrapped her arm around my neck as she reached up and tried to plant a kiss on me. She caught me a little off guard but I managed to pull back a bit.

She kept hands on my shoulders and just looked at me. "I had a feeling I was right about you," Rachel sighed. "Can't blame a girl for trying though."

She smiled at me and planted a kiss on my cheek. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, Jonathan."

"Goodnight Rachel."

My room was a couple floors up, so I headed towards the elevator again. When I got to my floor, I decided to sit in the floor's lounge. I felt like being alone for a while, and I was sure my roommate was either already in the room or was gonna be getting back, from a night on the town, anytime soon. With close to 100 people on tour with the Backstreet Boys I was glad to just have one roommate, and not a few, this night.

I walked into the lounge and made my way over to the large windowsill. I was on the 30th floor so I couldn't see much of the busy street down below. I just sat there with my knees bent up to my chest and stared out into the city, thinking. 'You are on tour with the Backstreet Boys, getting paid pretty good money, and you're getting to travel the US for free. So why are you still not happy Jonathan?' For the past couple of years I had worked really hard to get a job like this. In my mind it was the only thing that would make me happy at 19.

'You are just never happy with what you have, are you Jonathan? You always want more, never content with what you have.' I sat there a while longer, in silence, eventually tears streaming down my face. I guess I knew why I wasn't really happy, but I had given up on the idea of having that empty space in my heart filled. When I mentioned that to Krista, she told me I was being foolish. She reminded me that I was only 19, and that I'd have plenty of time to find whatever I was looking for. I knew she was right, but there was just so much more she didn't understand, that she didn't know.

I was so lost in thought, I didn't notice anyone walk into the room, until he was standing right behind me.

"You ok, Jonathan?"

I knew who it was even before he spoke. I could see his reflection in the glass.

"Hey Brian," I turned towards him and gave him a smile.

"I just wanted to check if you were ok. If you need to be alone, I understand."

"No, I've been in here alone long enough. So what are you doing up so late? I figured you would be knocked out after the concert."

"I couldn't sleep. I felt like a soda but the mini bar in my room was empty, and so was the coke machine in our lounge. What's your story?"

"Just have a lot on my mind. Can't seem to fall asleep with my mind still racing through thoughts."

"Its hard at night to keep your mind from going places you don't want it to being going to. Even though, you know you should think about certain things. Sleep just seems like a better alternative, doesn't it?"

"You always seem to know what to say, don't you?" I said with a smile. "I've been told I do. I guess I get it from my mother. She always seemed to say the right thing at the right time."

"Do you have a close relationship with your mother?" I asked.

"Yeah. We're pretty close. She's my...."

"...best friend. I guess we have something else in common," I said, referring to Brian and I both getting choked up over Forrest Gump.

"Something else?" Brian was of course oblivious to that.

"Never mind," I said smiling, turning to look out the window. Brian and I didn't say anything for a little while. Neither one of us knew what to say. Brian finally broke the silence with a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I just remembered what came to my mind when I saw you sitting here all alone, wiping away your tears."

I got a little embarrassed to know that Brian had been standing in the room longer than I had thought. By the time he had walked up behind me, my face was clear of tears.

"And what was it that came to your mind?" I turned to look out the window again, not wanting to face him.

"I just thought of walking in here singing "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely." Brian laughed, at his own cheesy idea.

"That would have fit the moment, I guess." I couldn't help but laugh myself. "I always thought it'd be nice to have an ongoing soundtrack to my life."

A couple minutes of silence went by again.

"Can I ask you what you were thinking about?" Brian said walking up to the window and staring out into the city.

"I was just thinking about my life," I said, now looking at Brian's profile. "Just thinking about where I am right now in my life."

"And are you happy with where you are in life?" Brian turned, finally facing each other.

"Definitely. I'm on tour with the Backstreet Boys. How couldn't I be happy about that!" I said with a laugh.

"True," Brian grinned. "But by the tears I saw, I don't think that's the whole truth."

"I guess it isn't," I said, still embarrassed.

"I guess I should have asked you, are you happy about where you are mentally? Not so much where you are physically."

"I feel like I should be lying down on a coach." I couldn't help but grin.

"Well, feel glad that I'm not going to charge you." Brian lifted himself onto the windowsill, and sat next to me. "I kind of get a sense of people's feelings sometimes. I guess I can read people well, sense what they might be going through."

"Well, what do you sense I'm going through?"

Brian paused for a second. "I think you are feeling like you should be happy with what you have right now. You should be happy with where you are in life, but your not. There's still something missing."

"Maybe." Brian was pretty right, but I didn't feel all the comfortable in letting him know that.

"Well, whatever it is your still looking for, wanting, I'm sure you'll come across it, sooner or later. You are still so young. You have so much to look forward to."

"Sounds like someone knows what he's talking about, from experience." I looked over at Brian.

"Mmm, maybe. Maybe not."

A couple minutes went by. Both of us just sat there in silence, staring out into the city. Brian finally got up. It was close to 4 in the morning and he had to be up by 11. We said our goodnights and headed towards our rooms.


It was now Wednesday, a couple days after the night I had talked with Brian. The past few days had been rather busy ones. Monday and Tuesday night's concerts in Albany, New York went off without a hitch. No fan conferences were held so I wasn't too busy. After a few errands and some phone calls I was able to relax and enjoy the concerts. Wednesday was a promotion day for the Backstreet Boys, so needless to say, it was a very busy one for me. I was woken up by Leila quite early informing me that I needed to help her with some extra work. She had to go with the Boys on their promotions, being their press coordinator and all, and asked me to make some confirmations and stuff for her from the hotel. I ended up spending the rest of the day on the phone.

Anyways, that Wednesday night we all boarded the busses and headed out to the next stop on the tour. The next four days were going to be exhausting for everyone, especially on Kevin, AJ, Howie, Brian and Nick. They had 4 concerts, in 4 different cities, on 4 consecutive nights. First on the itinerary was Charlotte and Raleigh in North Carolina, followed by Atlanta and Greensboro. I rode on my assigned bus this time. I didn't run into any of the guys that day. I figured they were going to sleep the rest of the ride anyways, since they had a very long weekend ahead of them, so I didn't want to get in their way.

Once I got on the bus, I went directly into my bunk and pulled a book out to read. I always needed to either read or listen to music to be able to fall asleep.

"Hey Jonathan!"

"Yeah?" I said, sticking my head out from behind the curtain of my bunk.

"Someone asked me to give this to you," Bill, the bus driver, said as he handed me a walkie-talkie.

"Who did?" I asked taking the walkie-talkie.

"I'm not at liberty to answer that." Bill said with a laugh and turned towards the front of the bus, leaving me there with a questioning look on my face.

I went back into my bunk and continued to read my book. I had almost forgotten about the walkie-talkie, which I had left at my side, when I heard a noise coming from it. All I could hear from it was heavy breathing.

"Who's there?" I asked, putting the walkie-talkie up to my mouth. All I got back was some more heavy breathing. A couple minutes past without a sound and then a voice came through.

"Luke, I am your father." Someone said in a deep, low voice.

"Oh, real funny. Who is this?" I asked again. All I got back was laughter.

"Didn't you hear me? I'm your fucking father, Luke!" Nick said, cracking up.

"Nick?! What the hell is wrong with you!" I said, laughing. "Been seeing Star Wars much?"

"Just playing man! So what are you doing?"

"Just reading. Trying to fall asleep."

"Well, everyone over here is already sleeping! They didn't even wait for the busses to start moving."

"You should get some sleep to. You guys have had a hard last couple days." I said. "And your in for more."

"True, I should be getting to sleep but I don't see it happening. Well, if you get bored, you got someone to talk to," Nick said.

"Thanks. And if you get bored, and its in the middle of the night, find someone on your bus to wake up! Good night Nick."

"Night Jonathan."

I eventually fell asleep. It always took me close to an hour to fall asleep. My minds always racing with thoughts, never resting until sleep overcame me.

"NO!" I quickly sat up in my bunk. I guess I was having a bad dream. I looked around my bunk for my watch to see what time it was. 'Jeez Jonathan, its freaking 3 in the morning!' I said to myself. It always freaked me out a little when I woke up at 3 in the morning. As a kid, someone had told me that 3 AM was the Devil's hour or something like that, and every time I would wake up from a nightmare it seemed to be 3 in the morning.

I laid back down and just stared up at the ceiling of the bunk for a little while. The noise coming from the bus's motor was almost soothing, making me sleepy once again. My eyelids were just about to close when I heard a voice. It sounded so close to me, but I didn't know where it was coming from. I stuck my head out of my bunk and looked around but there was no one there. Everyone else seemed to be sleeping.

"Brian, what's wrong?" This time I actually understood what was said.

'Nick?' I said to myself. Then I remembered. I pulled my blanket back and there was the walkie-talkie. I had turned the volume down, thinking that Nick would probably scream into it if he got bored. I didn't want to wake anyone else up so I kept the volume down and placed it up to my ear.

"Nothing." I heard Brian whisper.

"Its 3:30 in the morning Brian! Why aren't you sleeping? And why are you in my bunk, again?" Nick said.

"I don't know, I just...." Brian trailed off. I heard some shuffling, followed by silence.

---I figured Brian must have somehow pressed against Nick's walkie-talkie, and was pressing down on the talk button.

"Hello!? Earth to Brian!" Nick's voice came through again. "I told you last time, its ok if you want to come into my bunk and sleep, but I can't sleep with you either just staring at me, or drumming your fingers, or breathing loud!

"I'm sorry Nick. I just can't help it." Brian said, sounding incredibly depressed. "I just don't know what to do with myself."

"Listen to me Brian. We're on tour right now, and for the next month and a half. You can't do much about anything right now. You are not the only one feeling like this, you know?"

"Yeah I know, but it's not the same Nick. Its not the same with you and the guys."

---I knew I really shouldn't have been listening to Brian and Nick's conversation, but I just couldn't help it. (Oh come on! Like any of you would turn the walkie-talkie off and respect their privacy!).

---'What are they talking about?' I wondered. I figured this was the continuation of a past, or several, conversations.

"Nick, its easier for you guys. You guys don't have to worry about half the things I have to."

"You know its not so easy for us either, Brian. We all go through a lot while on tour. We're living the same life right now. I can't escape it anymore than you can."

"Its just not the same Nick. Its just not the same. You just can't understand how I feel."

"Then tell me!"

"I can't, you're just... you wouldn't understand."

---Then I received a big shock. Nick said something I never imagined I would hear.

"You're gay Brian! You are not an alien or something! You are always saying that I can't understand how you are feeling. That I can't even imagine what you are going through."

"Nick, you just..."

"Wait, I'm not done. You're not that much different from me Brian. You're not. We're both human. I feel the same thing you feel, just under different circumstances. You focus too much on our differences and not enough on the things we share in common. I've told you a million times before that out of everyone, I feel the closest to you."

"I know Nick. I feel the closest to you too. But there are some things that I can't talk to you about. As much as I feel close to you, I need someone..."

"Someone like you. I know Brian. And that's cool, just as long as you know I'm here for you."

"Thanks Nick."

Just then I accidentally pressed on the talk button on my walkie-talkie, causing static to go through. I froze for a second, hoping that Brian and Nick didn't hear anything.

"What was that?" Nick said, as soon as I had pushed the talk button.

"It sounded like static," Brian said.

"Oh my god!" Nick exclaimed in a hushed yell.


"The walkie-talkie. I gave Jonathan a walkie-talkie! Find it!" Nick said, barely whispering. I could barely make out the words. Seconds later the walkie-talkie was shut off.


"Nick, you don't think he heard us, do you?" Brian said.

"I don't know. I don't think so. The talk button on the walkie-talkie would have to be pushed down."

"Oh god! What if he heard us talking Nick? I had the walkie-talkie pushed up against the wall. He probably heard everything!"

"Brian calm down! I'm sure Jonathan didn't hear anything. He's probably sleeping, you know. It is close to 4 in the morning. Maybe he just pushed against the talk button of his walkie-talkie in his sleep."

"I hope you are right Nick. Kevin will have a heart attach if anyone finds out."

"Well, Jonathan is a really cool guy. Even if he heard, I doubt he would say anything. Lets not worry right now. Lets just get some sleep, all right?"

"All right. Thanks for being here for me Nick." Brian said.

"Goodnight Brian." Nick sighed. For about two years now, Brian had been joining Nick in his bunk. Brian would sometimes join Nick three to four times a week, while they were on tour. Nick had gotten use to it, but he still wanted Brian to find someone so that he wouldn't feel so lonely at times. But for now he was glad he could make his best friend feel better.

"Goodnight Nick," Brian said, rolling over and drifting to sleep.


We reached Charlotte, North Carolina around 7 in the morning. Everyone made their way off the busses and headed inside the hotel. Once everyone was given their key cards, we managed to make our way to our respected rooms. Still being half asleep, I plopped down on the bed and took a short nap. I was up and about at 9 in the morning getting ready for the day ahead. I had to run around with Leila in the morning and then after lunch I had to confirm some promotional stuff for Leila and start working on the next fan conference which was going to be held the next week.



"What? Who's there? What's going on?" I was so disoriented. I woke up looking in every direction, trying to figure out where the noise that woke me up was coming from. As soon as I figured out there was someone at my door, I rolled out of bed and opened the door.

"Brian? What are you doing here?" I rubbed my hands over my face trying to wake myself up a little more and wipe the shock I had on my face off. "Well, we didn't see you at dinner, downstairs in the hotel's restaurant, so I decided to come see what you were up to."

"Dinner? What time is it?" I walked back into the room, with Brian close behind.

"Its 10 o'clock," Brian replied, looking at his watch. "We all decided we would have a late dinner after the concert. Didn't someone tell you?"

"10 o'clock? I can't believe I fell asleep! I slept right through the concert! Leila is going to kill me for not being there!" I was wide awake now after what Brian had just said.

"Its no big deal, really. Nick asked Leila if she knew where you were earlier tonight and she told us you had stayed back at the hotel getting some work done. She didn't need you at the concert tonight, if not she would have called you."

"That's right! She did tell me she didn't need me at the concert tonight. I'm sorry. As you can see, it takes my brain a little longer to kick in after I wake up," I said with a laugh.

"Well, no harm done. You got your work done so that's all that matter," Brian added. "You've seen the concert four times already, so its not like you missed something! Did you sleep all right last night on the bus?"

"Yeah, I slept like a rock. I talked with Nick for a few minutes and then passed out."

"You talked with Nick?" Brian said, raising his eyebrow.

"Nick gave me this walkie-talkie so I could talk to him from my bus. Apparently, he finds using a walkie-talkie more amusing than using a cell phone."

"That's Nick for you." Brian chuckled. I sensed some uneasiness with the slight laugh.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure Nick had planned on giving me one hell of a wake up call by screaming into the walkie-talkie," I said laughing. "Luckily I shut the darn thing off as soon as we ended our conversation."

"Smart move, cause knowing Nick, I'm pretty sure you are right about him wanting to give you that wake up call," Brian laughed and seemed to relax a little. "So you hungry?"

"Starving," I replied, running my hands over my abs.

"Come on. I'll keep you company while you eat. Everyone else went out into town to do whatever it is they do at this time of night."

Brian and I made our way down to the hotel's restaurant. He ended up joining me in eating, since he thought it would be rude to just sit and stare at me eat. I knew better though. Brian could eat all day if he could. After we finished dinner we made our way back up to his room.

"So where did the other guys go?" I asked.

"Howie and AJ went out in search of a good bar and I think they wanted to head to a club after that. Kevin went off with some of the band members to catch a movie. I think Nick was going with them too, but I'm not sure."

"I hope you didn't get left behind while you came looking for me. I would have eventually woken up and found some food."

"I didn't feel like going out. Plus, we have a concert on the next 3 nights. I don't know how those guys can stay up so late. I've already tired and we've only been on tour for 2 weeks now. I can't wait to get time off again. I enjoyed our 2 month break we had before this tour, but it was just way too short."

"How long is your next break?" I asked.

"Well, after we finish this tour we only have about 3 months off before we have to officially start working on our next album."

"Three more months sounds pretty good. What do you plan on doing?"

"The rest of the guys and I were talking about heading to the Bahamas for a couple weeks and start working on our album, just on our own. We want to get a lot of writing done. We're not sure when that is going to happen, but I plan on just being home and vegging out the rest of the time."

"That sounds like a pretty good break to me."

"What are you planning on doing once the tour ends?"

"I think I'm going to continue working with Jive at their New York offices, maybe go to school part time and try to catch up."

"Sounds like you'll be pretty busy all year," Brian said.

"Yeah I will be, so stop complaining about only getting 3 months off! I don't have anytime off between working and school. I'll be happy if I get a vacation in the next couple years."

"Sorry. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled celebrity." Brian looked down at the floor.

"You don't. I mean, you guys have an extremely demanding job. I probably don't do even an 1/8 of what you guys have to do, and I end up passing out from exhaustion. I am amazed at the energy you guys maintain day after day. I couldn't do it."

"I'm sure you could. After years of having such a grueling schedule, your body gets pretty accustomed to it."

I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels for a little. Nothing interesting was on so I decided to shut it off. Brian and I just sat on my bed and talked. It seemed like only a half hour had passed when we heard someone knocking on the door.

I got up to see who it was. "Hey Nick. What's up?"

"Hey Jonathan." Nick walked a little into the room and noticed Brian. "I figured I would find you in here. We're having a meeting in Kevin's room in about 5 minutes."

Brian got the hint and stood up.

"Thanks for the company," I said as he walked past me.

Brian turned and looked at me with a smile. "No, thank you."

To Be Continued....


Comments, Concerns, Criticisms, Praises: E-mail me at dreamkiid@yahoo.com