Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2001 15:29:47 -0500
From: J. B. <downlikeastone@msn.com>
Subject: When Its Over - Part 7

DISCLAIMER: I don't any of the celebrities mentioned in this story.  I
actually know very little about any of them.  (Which would explain if I
have painted bad pictures of their personalities).  Also, if you're not
legally and morally able to read this story then, please, don't, I don't
want to have to worry about it, and neither does anyone else.

When Its Over Part 7 -- This Self Destructive Dance

Jody had been to Orlando one other time.  He was on tour at the time, so he
missed most of the city.  What he could remember about it was that the
nightlife was full of teenagers and aging men that wished they were
teenagers, neither of which interested him.  The rest of the band had spent
the entire night partying like no other, while Jody had disappeared back to
his hotel room.  Thinking back, most every night of the tour ended with him
locked in a hotel room or hiding in his bunk.  Then it had seemed like
agony to face another night, now he realized he had simply been trying to
face any of it.  The parties, the fame, the money, he didn't want any of
it.  He had started with the band for an emotional outlet, and it had
turned into what he so desperately been trying to avoid.

Now, sitting on the couch in Lance's living room he wondered if he really
wanted to go back to it all.  The non-stop touring -- feeling isolated in a
crowd of thousands -- and the publicity that seemed to tear away at his
soul.  There were hundreds of questions about his life and music.  What did
it mean?  How was his childhood?  Did he come from a broken home?  He had
tried to give the answers the record company had wanted, but wasn't
convincing enough.  The reporters never accepted the answers and continued
digging.  Jody had eventually begun to let pieces of the truth fall through
into his answers, and found that he almost felt clean.

Lance was on the phone with everyone it seemed.  He made one phone call
after another, letting everyone know he was home and safe.  And for a
special few he announced he had brought home a visitor.  Jody watched as he
wondered around the room, playing with various things as he went.  His mind
wandered the strange collection of memories the pair had formed since they
met.  From almost playing child like games, to working together and almost
being friends.

Suddenly the room seemed to get too small and Jody needed some air and a
cigarette.  He stood up and walked to the glass door leading to the back
yard as quietly as he could, hoping Lance wouldn't notice.  He watched the
reflection in the glass door, Lance never looked up at him.  The goofy grin
on his face said it all, his mom was on the phone.

Jody stood out on the overly large deck, smoking a Marlboro light and
staring vacantly at the trees just over the horizon.  It was hot, hotter
that Jody was accustomed to after years of non-stop traveling, and the
sweat was pooling at the small of his back.  He felt sticky from the sweat
and dirty from his long trip.  He was considering taking a shower when a
pair of arms lazily wrapped around his waist.

"I thought you only smoked when you had stuff on your mind."  Jody only
laughed under his breath as an answer.  He leaned back into Lance a little,
finding some comfort in his embrace, even in the heat.  They stood there
for a moment in silence before Lance spoke up, his voice soft and
lingering.  "Are you ok with this?"  Jody turned and looked at Lance.

"What?  You touching me?"  Jody put on his best face, but the tension was
visible beneath the fake smile.

"Staying here, with me."

"Yes.  Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, you just seemed..."

"What?"

"Distant?  I guess that's a good word."  Jody sighed and leaned back
against the railing of the deck.  He looked at Lance for a long time.  Long
enough that Lance felt self-conscious and looked away.

"Can I ask you something?"  Lance looked up in surprise at the question.

"Yeah."

"Is this right?  I mean about me going back into this business.  I mean, I
hated it, I really did, but when I left, I couldn't stand it."

"Does it feel right?"

"Sometimes, then sometimes I feel like I am just fooling myself.  Sometimes
I wonder if I did this just to be close to you."

"OK, lets retry this.  When you were in the studio with Josh doing the
demo, how did it feel?"

"Right."

"When you're out on that stage with a thousand people singing along with,
sharing everything your going through, does it feel right?"

"Yeah."  A smile played across Jody's face when he realized where Lance was
going.

"Your nervous about this aren't you?"

"Before I always had three other guys out there that had as much in this as
I did, now I'll be the one out there, with no one else to share the weight
of it."

"Yeah, but I'll be there, and Josh and Trent, and probably a hundred
thousand other people."  Jody found himself playing with Lance's fingers.
For a second he froze until Lance's grip tightened, telling him it was ok.
"Come on, Justin and Brit want to take us out to dinner, and you look like
you need a shower."

"You always say that."  Lance was turning to walk away when he threw a
small grin over his shoulder.

"Well, if you weren't so mangy looking."  Jody smacked him on the ass,
almost immediately ridiculing himself for doing it, until he saw Lance run
in the house laughing, and it finally clicked.  If he was going to get
close to Lance, he was just going to have to let go, and quit worrying
about it all.

"I don't want to go out with Justin and Brit.  I want some alone time with
you."  Jody pulled out his best puppy dogface, only to start laughing at
the devious look that ran across Lance's face.

"You'll get it, trust me."


A couple of hours later there were two couples sitting in a small Italian
restaurant, all feeling quite nervous.  Jody was quite aware of the looks
he had received most of the night.  Justin and Brittney had small grins
across their faces, obviously quite happy that things had gone in their
favor.

"Look you two, I wanted to apologize for the last time we talked, I was a
little rude."  Jody said trying hard to make eye contact with both of them.
He had to say something; there was a weight of guilt on his back.  He knew
he had to be able to get along with Lance's friends, and they didn't have a
very good beginning.  He never had good beginnings with pop stars it
seemed, and as the thought ran through his mind he almost laughed.

"A little!  Hun', you were a flat out asshole!"  Brittney laughed, winking
to show him she was only joking.

"Besides, you were a little stressed out at the time if I recall."  Justin
added.  Lance sat back, observing how his friends were trying to make Jody
comfortable.  He had to admit, they were charming him a little.  There was
a smirk forming on Jody's lips, and his blue eyes were sparkling, a true
shine that Lance saw very little any more.

Discussion seemed to flourish after that.  The ice was broken and Jody
learned that he had more in common with these pop gods than he could ever
imagine.

"Who's producing the album?"  Justin asked.  He had brought up the Jody's
career quickly.

"Trent Reznor and Josh."  Lance answered for Jody, a smile playing in his
eyes.

"Really? That should be quite a new experience.  Have you written any of
it?"  Brittney threw out the question, but it seemed to hold on Lance's
face.  Jody suddenly realized he had never told Lance about anything he
wrote.  Suddenly he remembered the first time he spoke to Justin.  It was
almost dream like, seemingly another world.

"Yeah, all of it.  Some of it still needs some work, but from beginning to
end, it's all there."  Lance looked like some one had slapped him.  When
Nsync wrote music it was very seldom they had anything done before they hit
the studio.

"Really?  You have the name to?"  Justin joked, obviously as amazed as
Lance was.

"Uhmm.  Yeah."

"What??"  They all said in unison.

"Yeah.  See, it's a kind of concept album, I guess.  It has a story line,
but I guess in a way so do all albums, but this one follows I guess that
last year of my life."

"What are you planning to call it?"  Lance asked.  This was the first he
had heard of any of this.  He didn't like being left out of things when it
came to business but when he saw the uncomfortable look pass over Jody's
face he understood.  Jody couldn't talk about his music- there was a lot of
himself in it, too much.

"Isolated Endeavors."

"What's that mean?"  Both Justin and Brittney had leaned over their food
and Jody had their full attention.  Lance on the other hand had chosen to
place a comforting hand on Jody's knee and sip his wine.

"It's a line in one of the songs.  I wrote the song at the height of fame,
when I couldn't get along with the band or management.  I'd had a fight
with my best friend and we weren't speaking, so I felt completely alone.
At that point it felt like I was doing all this stuff on autopilot and the
only thing I seemed to feel was how bitter I was about being pushed into it
all against my will.  Isolated endeavors -- I wrote that one night in my
hotel room, and I the song and album has just been built around it since
then."

Jody finally looked up from the napkin he had been twisting his hands to
see that Lance was smiling at him with some pride in his eyes.  "It could
be a hit."

"You think about business too much."

"And you never do, so it works out in the end."  For a moment they thought
they were alone.

"When do we get to read it?"  Justin asked, obviously intrigued by Jody's
explanation.  But Jody's face turned red and his gaze fell the half eaten
plate of food in front of him.

"Nobodies read it yet."

"I didn't mean to be pushy.  I just was curious, I didn't mean to upset you
or anything."  Justin managed to force out.  Everyone's eyes had fallen on
Jody at this point.  Most people -- no matter how hard they try to hide it
-- find at least some pride in what they make.  However, Jody seemed to be
genuinely embarrassed by the fact that some one even wanted to read his
lyrics.

"Its ok.  I just...  I get a little nervous about what I write.  When I was
with the band the drummer wrote the hits, I wrote the emotional songs
between them.  Nothing I ever wrote even got considered for a single, so
now I'm on my own and there isn't anyone to write the hits for me, you
know?"

"I think I do.  I mean when we started out, hell, even when Brittney
started out, some one else wrote our music, picked out our clothes,
designed the image.  But after a while you sort of have to take over if its
going to be worth it for you, so when we started writing things for
ourselves, and making decisions about our image, it was scary because we
didn't know if we could do it as well, but in the end we were proud of it."
Justin was trying to make Jody feel better, but Lance wondered if Jody was
even listening.  He was looking at Justin, and he seemed to be hearing and
understanding the words, but Lance knew as well as anyone when Jody's mind
started going there was no stopping it.

"But, you sold millions upon millions of records.  I will never have that.
To me, in the `rock genre'" his voice was dripping with sarcasm on the last
words, almost to the point of making fun of himself, "its more about can I
make an album that a few hundred thousand people will buy, and the critics
will respect, and I can make enough money to put on another tour and make
another album, you know?"

"No, I have no idea.  I don't even listen to rock most of the time."  The
joke, as bad as it may have been seemed to loosen the tension in Jody's
voice and remind him that he was around friends and he didn't have to drown
himself in it all yet.  There was still some high ground to hold on to.

The rest of the evening seemed to fly past Jody in a big blur.  They all
shared horrid stories from the road, laughed at each other, and even
managed to drink 3 bottles of wine.  It was a couple of hours later before
they even attempted to leave.  Between the large meal and the time they
spent talking the alcohol in their systems didn't seem to bother any of
them.  When Lance and Jody finally managed to convince Justin and Brittney
they had to go -- but not before promising all to come to Justin's for a
big cook out -- it was nearly midnight.  They were both exhausted from the
trip and the long evening with little physical activity seemed too much for
either of the to handle.

When they arrived at Lance's house they had both past the point of
exhaustion and were a little on the silly side.  They found themselves
laughing at anything and to be honest Jody liked it.  He enjoyed the
feeling that he could be silly and laugh and not have to worry whether he
was going to be betraying someone's expectations of him.

After a few minutes trying to find the right key Lance finally let them in
the front door.  Jody immediately went to the couch where his backpack was
still sitting.  He sat down and started to open when he noticed Lance
looking at him with a confused look on his face.

"What?"

"I thought you were tired."

"I am."  He was frantically throwing things from his hastily packed bag.

"You know, if you were a little more organized when you packed, you
wouldn't turn my living room into a disaster when you were looking for
something."  Lance moved over closer to the couch, leaning so he could see
in the bag and maybe figure what Jody was looking for.  He nearly fell over
when Jody finally yanked something from the bag.

"Found it, finally."

"Your notebook?"  Lance was confused.  Earlier Jody wanted some time with
just the two of them, now he was planning to write in his notebook, which
always meant he wanted to be completely alone.

"Yeah.  This is kinda hard to explain.  There is one other person who has
read this.  Josh, and that was only because I had to let him, you know how
hard it is to tell him no."  Jody looked shy.  His eyes were burning holes
in the carpet and his face and neck were red with embarrassment.  "Anyway,
I realized earlier that if this, you and me, us, was ever going to work, I
was going to have to let go, and just let it happen."

"Sounds reasonable."

"This notebook has me in it.  Everything is dated.  It pulls double duty
even.  It is where I write all my songs and is my journal.  For most dates
there is an entry talking about my life at that point, and usually some
form of song, I guess to emphasize what I'm saying.  Am I making sense?"

"Mostly, but I'm still not sure what your saying."

"Ok.  I'm not an easy person to get to know.  I hide behind things; I don't
let people get close.  I even do it with you sometimes, and I don't know
how to stop myself from doing it.  But, I ran out of pages in this thing
when we were in New Orleans.  I bought a new one, but I wasn't sure what to
do with this, I mean I need it still, but I don't want to take it
everywhere with me all the time.  So I thought, that since you want to know
more about me, and I have trouble telling you, I might let it tell you..."

"You're going to let me read the notebook.  Wow."

"I'm sorry, bad idea."  Lance reached over and took the notebook from
Jody's hands and carefully laid it in his lap.  He was slightly weary of
seeing the contents, but his curiosity didn't take long to win the battle
in his mind.  He opened it to the first page - it was dated exactly two
years ago to the day.

Jody simply leaned against his shoulder and closed his eyes.  He was
closing in on sleep quickly and Lance was obviously very engrossed with the
notebook.  "The first laugh I hear and I'll find new management."  His
voice was heavy with sleep and sounded more like a groan on some syllables.

"Only constructive criticism, I promise."

"It's a journal, you can't be constructive with some one else's journal."

"Sure I can.  Like right here, you forgot a comma."

Jody, with great effort, lightly slugged Lance on the shoulder.

"Seriously though, thank you.  It means a lot that you would trust me
enough to do this."

"Trust doesn't play in to it as much of fear of fucking this up, and that,
I would do anything to avoid."

And with that Jody let sleep overtake him.  He slept for several hours on
Lance's shoulder, snuggling closer every so often, while Lance read his
journal from the past two years.  And neither of them felt uncomfortable
with the situation, truth be told, Jody had never felt so safe as he did
now with Lance, and that was the best part of it.


OK.  I know it's a little short, but this was really hard for me to write
because I have to move away from my "outline" of the story so that I can
get to the next part.  I am actually planning to start the next chapter
now, so it should be along soon.  This just seemed like a good place to
stop this one.  The next chapter should be much better (I hope).  Big
plans: first date, and maybe a few other firsts.  Feedback is always
welcome: downlikeastone@msn.com.  Thanks