Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 21:14:47 EDT
From: FourHim821@aol.com
Subject: "While you loved me" by Mandi Part One

Discalmer: I don't know NSYnc or the BSB, so I don't plan on saying I do,
or even trying to think I am them. I'm not trying to imply that they are
gay...I don't care if they are...it's their choice. But if you are too
young to read this...mommy hasn't been watching you very well...  anyway...
enjoy...


Part One


Nick looked down lovingly, yet, protectivly upon his fiance'. He had asked
Justin to marry him nearly three months ago. They had planned on tying the
knot next year sometime, but with recent events, it was moved forward; they
had almost two weeks. About a month ago Justin was diagnosed with a brain
tumor, 98% fatal, and they were faced with an inevitable truth.  Nick delt
with it the only way he knew how, he forgot about it, not totally, but
enough to keep him going everyday. He tried to prepare himself for what he
was about to endure, but in reality, nothing you do can prepare you for
losing someone you love. He just prayed that he had the strength to get
through the next few months that lay ahead of him, without losing himself
in the process.

Nick had met Justin the first time in 1996, Justin was barely fifteen, and
Nick, well, hadn't conquered sixteen quite yet. They were introduced as a
hope that they would become friends and wouldn't declar war against the
other. They were friends, and turned to be closer than anyone first
percieved them ever to be. But yet, on the night of Nick's eighteenth
birthday, Justin decides to let Nick in on the true nature of his feelings.
Being scared out of his mind he decided that, that night was the night to
tell him.

******Flashback******

Justin looked down at his feet, not wanting to look Nick in the eye, afraid
that he'd lose his courage to tell the man how he felt. JC had practically
beat it out of him, well JC tickled him, that he had indeed fallen for the
one and only Nick Carter. JC was told by Justin that he was gay the last
time he saw him before the begining of the whole history of Nsync, started
by Chris. So when he found Justin talking, thinking, looking, at and about
Nick, he asked him basically what was up? So he spilled it all, along with
a few tears, while JC told him that he had a feeling about Nick anyway and
to tell him was the best thing for him to do. So he stood here today,
staring his best friend in the eye, with the encouragement by one of his
many others, proceeded to tell him.

"Nick I need to tell you something, but I need you to be open minded."
Justin said, fighting the nervous tears that were threatening to fall.

Nick looked expectantly at one of his best friends, afraid of what he might
say. Nick liked Justin, no, he loved Justin, and everything about him.
What he was about to say Nick was afraid had to do with his feelings for
him, he was so scared about what he thought of him now, that he would turn
and walk away. Nick was shunned by one member of the boyband that he helped
occupy, and never was the same since. Brian had not taken the announcement
very well, in fact he basically told Nick he would only associate himself
with him for the sake of the group. What Justin thought about him now,
meant so much more to Nick than anyone could know, he couldn't lose the
only thing he had left to a best friend.

"I promise to keep my mind open to whatever you are about to say, kay
Curly?, can we continue?"

Justin took a deep breath and just told himself what Josh had told him, '
just come right out and say it, no hesitation.'  "Nick, I'm gay."

Nick sat there for a moment, not wanting to jump to conclusions, "yeah so,
I have no problem with that." Justin wasn't going to turn his back on Nick,
Justin was Nick , they were the same.  "I'm in love Nick, with someone."
Nick sat there so intent on what he was going to say.  "Who with Just?"
Nick asked, praying at the same time.  "You"

Needless to say Nick was stunned, he wanted himto say it, but never
believed he ever would. The one thing he always wanted inhis life was right
in front of him, and he was still sitting there. Nick slowly looked up at
Justin, and saw him silently sobbing. He probably thought I was digusted,
would he ever be surprised!

Nick took his hand and put it underneath Justin's chin to lift it so he
could look into his eyes, as he quietly said, "Justin, I love you too."


Both just sat there holding eachother, letting the tears flow down their
faces, not afraid of anything anymore, they now had eachother.

As the eight men watched from the door way everyone looked to Brian, and
was surprised to see a bright smile on his face.

*******End Flashback*****

Nick was brought out of his reverie by the violent shaking of Justin's
body. Nick tucked the blanket tighter around the younger man's shoulders;
the shudders were taken to a minimum when Nick joined his arms around
Justin in the same fashion as the blankets. Justin seemed to always be
awoken when he finally got to have a seemingly peaceful sleep, and that
hurt Nick so much. He would have cold chills, the pain that would hit him
all of the sudden, or after it would subside, the confusion set in. That's
what seemed to scare Nick the most, is when he would wake up and not know
who or where he was. This stage in his illness was the second to last, and
Nick knew this, but decided to focus on what was going on now. When the day
comes that Justin doesn't recognize him at all, no matter what length of
time passes by is when he'll know it will be soon.

Nick glanced down at Justin, and saw blue eyes staring back up into his.

"How long have you been up?" Nick inquired.  "Not long really, I just
opened my eyes and saw this weird expression on your face, and just watched
you. Did you know that if you think of something bad your face matches what
your thinking? Were you thinking about me again?"

"No I didn't know that and yes I was thinking about you. But hon, you know
I have to think about that, how else am I going to know how to deal with it
, if I never think about it?"

"I don't know, but I don't like to see you so upset, I want to know I make
you happy, not miserable." Justin said tears forming in his eyes.  "No
Justin, don't think like that, you've made me and still make me the
happiest person alive. I don't know how I could've got through life without
you, even if it was cut short, you were still here."

"How do I know your not lying? How do I know that everynight you don't beat
yourself up over the fact that in less than two months I won't be here
anymore, and you have to face life alone?" Justin questioned.  "Just trust
me Curly, I'm not saying that I don't think about that, I do , but I don't
just the same. I wonder what I could do everyday to make you more
comfortable, more at ease. I put myself last, how I think and feel doesn't
matter, you matter Justin, you always have, and it is never going to stop."

"I don't deserve you Nick."

"The hell you don't Justin, you deserve so much better, you deserve
everything in life that you've ever dreamed of." Nick convinced.  "What
about you, I'm tying you down, now for the rest of your life you aren't
going to pursue your dreams, your going to think about how I didn't get to
do mine. But Nick I did, the only dream I ever had was to be loved, to be
loved to the point to where it's almost to much, yet not enough.  You've
done that, everything I've ever dreamed of is in your eyes everytime I look
at them. As corny as it sounds it's true."


Nick just sat there, taking in what he just said to him all Justin wanted
was him, all his hopes and his dreams he already fulfilled. Then a thought
hit Nick, every dream except for one, he never got to have the last dream
he wanted.

"What about a child, you said you wanted a son named after you, it was your
dream."Nick asked.  "Nick , after I leave you, you are going to have the
rest of your life to live, and I expect you to. I have sperm in a bank in
Memphis, I want you to get someone to like insert it I guess, and do the
one thing that we can't. I want a child to carry on my name, your parents
have Aaron, and my father doesn't have a name sake, but me. Please do this
for me , find someone else, fall in love and live a happy life, for me."

"Justin don't talk like that, I can't ever imagine falling in love with
someone else, I can't ever, I just couldn't." Nick said almost breaking
down.  "I love you Nick, I always will, but these are just things that need
to be said, and I don't think I'd ever have the strength to do it again."

Justin said already starting to fall asleep.  Nick let him fall into a
peaceful sleep as he thought back upon what he was going to do now. Was he
really able to move on, fall in love again.

Nick sat down and started to write down what he thought. He knew Justin
wanted him to love again, but Nick knew he couldn't. He had been the
happiest ever in his life in the short three years of this relationship,
and knew he couldn't ever find this again. He knew after looking at the
paper, that what he just wrote could be a song, but it was too personal. So
he layed it back inside of his notebook and closed it, vowing that he'd
give it to Justin before he.....he had to, it's what Justin needed to hear.