Date: Sun, 2 Sep 2001 07:11:14 -0700 (PDT) From: John Walsh Subject: Fraternit Memoirs Part 10 Fraternity Memoirs - Part 10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, where the hell you been? I have like 400 e-mails from concerned readers/friends. Thanks for keeping in touch and being concerned. I don't know what to say but sorry. I got pretty burned out after part 9. This story is a memoirs of my past, but it was suddenly becoming too much of my present and consuming all my time. So I needed a break. I hope you all had an awesome summer, I did. The timing is funny. So many of you out there that had written me were finishing up classes, studying for finals and heading for summer break. Now, here we are again and it's back to school time. Well, I hope that I haven't lost a lot of readers and you guys remember where we left off (maybe re-read a few chapters if you have to). I still have all your e-mails, and I plan on writing back soon. So lets get to it... The rest of the Phi Class Bachelor Party was a blast. I'd say that after Adam and I had our threesome with Alexa, the girls were around for another two hours 'servicing' the other guys. Many of the Brothers couldn't afford the $50 for a BJ, so they started a few pools. A group of 10 guys would throw in $5 each, and then pick a name out of a hat. The lucky winner got the money for a BJ. All the pledges were fortunate enough to have their Bigs pay for them to get laid. All I can say is that it was quite an event that night and about half the Fraternity got laid. There were no 'gangbangs' that I was aware of, but a few of the Brothers did have threesomes. A crazy time was had by all. Matt went with the Asian girl. It seemed that Adam and I were the only two "Big/Little" combos. That made me feel really special. In typical fashion, Kevin spent most of the night mingling and hanging out with the Brothers while the rest of us pledges stayed together and traded stories of the sexual events that happened that night. Some of the guys had some pretty wild stories, but they aren't relevant to this tale. That night I became part of an elite group of the Fraternity. I was deemed "Mighty" and a part of the "Mighties". As I had mentioned, almost every pledge class had a bachelor party where one "lucky" pledge of that class was the bachelor. The Mighties encompassed all of those pledges that were now Brothers. There were a few others in the group who weren't the bachelors. These Brothers had set up the camera while having sex with girls for the rest of the house to watch live. Why Mighties? Because all of us had put on a "Might Performance". I was privileged to be a part of the group. I was upstairs at one point, sort of near the back door in the kitchen talking to a few of the other Mighties. They were sharing their tales. I noticed Kevin walk to the door, open it and look at me. I purposefully did not catch eyes with him and he just stood there waiting. After a few seconds, I couldn't help myself and I caught his stare. He acknowledged my eyes with a nod of the head, and waved for me to follow him as he steeped outside. I have to admit that I was intrigued at what Kevin wanted with me outside. He was obviously waiting for me. Not wanting to be his shadow, I waited a few minutes and then told the guys I had to take a leak. I stepped outside the door but I didn't see Kevin anywhere. I walked around to the backyard and Kevin was there pissing against a tree. He was wobbling back and forth so I guessed he was pretty drunk. "What's up Kevin?" I asked as I leaned against the house. It was pretty cold out there, my breadth was steaming. "Walsh!" Kevin slurred, "Hold up, I'll be done in a second." So I stood there, watching Kevin's back as he swayed and took a piss. I could see the steam of Kevin's leak. As he finished up, he shook his dick, but the rest of his body shook with him. I could picture Kevin's dick in my mind. I flashed to the bedroom in Dan's house and Kevin's dick was in my mouth. I was very uncomfortable with the vision, yet strangely turned on. Kevin turned around, zipping up his zipper as he approached me. Approached is not the right word. He sauntered towards me. I could see in his eyes that he had more than a few too many drinks in him. He was up to something. As resolved as I was not to allow anything to happen between Kevin and I, I liked his attention. I was pretty drunk myself, and my guard was down. "Walshie, Walshie, Walshie. You were quite the star tonight weren't you?" "Yeah, I guess so," I replied. "I was hard as rock watching those whores suck your dick. Any other place I would have jumped in there and helped them out," Kevin said. His voice was seductive and there was lust in his eyes. I watched his eyes glance at my crotch and then move back to my eyes. "Does every conversation that you and I have, have to revolve around the two of us and, you know," I said, leaving the end of the sentence off. I still had trouble verbalizing it. "Would you rather we talked about the weather?" he asked sarcastically. "No, but..." Kevin cut me off. "OK, rather than talk about you and I, lets talk about you and Adam. So what went on in Adam's bedroom? You guys get it on?" and Kevin gyrated his hips in a fucking motion. "Are you kidding? I'm not you Kevin; I don't try and seduce other guys. But even if we did, I don't think I would tell you. Why, were you jealous?" "No, not jealous, excited. Excited for you bro, Adam's a fucking stud," Kevin replied. "You're smitten with him, I can tell." "Smitten? You're fucking insane Kevin. What are you talking about?" "The way you act around him, the way you stare at him. The Little of the Pledge Master. Everyone else might see it as admiration, oooohhh, he's my Big. But I know the truth. You want him" He was mocking me. "Is this what you took me out here for Kevin? To mock me? Cause if it is, I'm going back inside. Its fucking freezing out here." I was acting more annoyed than I really was. I wanted to cut to the chase and get to what Kevin wanted. "No, I'm sorry Walsh. Here, let me keep you warm," Kevin said as he wrapped his arms around me and brought his body against mine. My hands had been in my pocket to keep them warm, so I didn't have an opportunity to push him way. Not that I necessarily would have, his warmth felt great, amongst other things. "Come on Kevin, we talked about this. Besides, someone could come out here at any moment," I protested, some, not entirely sure how I wanted to proceed. "I know, I know. I just wanted to be near you for a minute. I can't help myself, especially after the display tonight. Don't get mad at me, its your fucking fault, being so fucking hot." He was flattering me with compliments. I knew his deal, but it was working. Kevin's nose was pressed against mine. He was staring into my eyes. Like me, he was wearing only a T-Shirt. I could feel his erect nipples against mine. He pushed me against the house, so he was leaning against me. He thrust his crotch into mine and I could feel his dick was hard. I was getting hard as well. I loved how in control he was. "Let me just taste your lips for a second, OK?" his voice was soft. He was playing me like a chick. I felt his tongue lick my lips. Then he grabbed my lower lip with his teeth and playfully bit me. He rubbed our crotches together again and I groaned. I felt his chin stubble against mine and I gave in. He let go of my lip with his teeth and we locked lips. I closed my eyes and we passionately made out. Any resistance that I had was gone. We were making out for a minute or so when I heard the familiar "Oooooooohhhhhhh" coming from the basement. It was the Brothers beginning their chant. The "Oooohhhh" would continue until all the Brothers had made their way to the circle and put their hand in the middle. Then the chant would begin. As pledges, we weren't allowed into the chant yet, but we had to be in our own circle. If Kevin and I didn't get into the basement soon, one of the pledges would be looking for us. Adam wouldn't allow it to begin until we were all there. I opened my eyes and Kevin was staring right into them. God his eyes are beautiful. Neither one of us wanted to stop what we were doing, but after a few more seconds we stopped. "Looks like we got to go in, huh?" he said. "Not unless we want one of the pledges to catch us," I said. "Come, on lets go," Kevin said as he released his hold. I immediately missed his touch. We took off and made our way into the house and into the basement. I had to adjust my erection as we made our way down the stairs. Kevin and I were the last two. As soon as we got into the pledge circle, the Brothers started their chant. I loved when they did the chant, and couldn't wait for the day when I was in it. That night we went back to the dorms and Matt and I stayed up a while talking about the sexual escapades that we just went through. Matt had removed his shirt and was lying bare-chested on his bed, but still in his jeans and sneakers. Matt pretty much kept his eyes up at the ceiling as we talked. I was on my own bed, watching Matt as we spoke. At some point Matt asked me a question that I really wasn't ready for. "So Walsh, what did it feel like to have Adam there next you?" I was kind of taken aback by his question. Did he specifically mean Adam, or was his question more general, meaning a guy, any guy. I suddenly felt on the defensive and not sure how to answer his question. "I don't know. I guess it was strange at first, but then I just sort of got caught up in the blowjob and the sex that I kind of forgot about Adam. Why?" I asked back. "Did you guys, ummmm, you know, touch?" Matt had a strange look on his face. I can usually tell from a person's face what they are thinking. Where they were going with a subject. But Matt's face had no indication and I wasn't quite sure where this was leading. Did Matt know something? I decided to answer Matt's question with a question, make him say whatever he was getting at. "Touch? What do you mean by touch, Matt?" Putting on my best, 'I have no idea what you are talking about' face. "Nothing. Never mind, ...the questions was, ...stupid," Matt said and made his way to the closet. My heart was fluttering. I couldn't decide if I should press the issue with Matt, or let it drop. I was really curious where Matt was going with his question, but did I want to answer it? No, I really didn't. Did this have something to do with Kevin's revelation at the "I Never" game the other night? I had wanted to talk to Matt about that, but the time never seemed right, and then the end of this week was so busy with all the Big-Little events that I have hardly even seen Matt. I decided to let the subject drop. There was silence in the room for a few minutes as Matt got out of his pants. He wasn't hiding from me, so that was a good sign. I decided to turn over and face the wall as Matt got changed. I wasn't sure what Matt was thinking, but I didn't want my eyes giving away anything, so I figured it best not to look. I felt dirty, and Matt really hadn't even said anything to make me feel that way. I heard Matt brushing his teeth and the water running (we had a sink and mirror in our dorm room). When Matt was finished he asked me if I wanted the light out. "Yeah, that's cool," I said. "Aren't you going to get changed?" he asked. My eyes were still closed. "Nah, I'm too tired. Besides, I was naked enough tonight, I feel like being clothed," I responded. Matt chuckled at my little quip and said, "Yeah dude, you were pretty fucking naked tonight. Well, good night then." Matt turned the light switch off. "Goodnight Matt." From the sound of Matt's breathing, he fell asleep pretty fast. I stayed up for quite awhile though, my mind running rampant on the events that have happened recently. Within a week, I had been with Kevin four times. And although there was no sexual contact with Adam, I couldn't deny to myself that I wanted something to happen. When I was with Kevin, there seemed almost nothing wrong with being with the, sexually. It felt almost natural. It was after that I felt disgusting for acting on these primal sexual urges. Jesus Christ, I had sucked a dick! What the hell did I do? I don't suck dick. I don't like guys. What the hell is going on with me? But Kevin's kiss tonight was fantastic. It felt "right". I liked it. I wanted more. Fucking aye this is so confusing. Why can't I be more like Kevin and just not worry about it? I debated back and forth for hours. I liked it. I didn't like. I should explore my feeling. I should never do it again. It was like plucking petals out of a flower to "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not." Back and forth. Unfortunately, there was no end to my dilemma, or "petals" and I went back and forth for hours without resolve, until some point when I fell asleep. And so pledge season continued. It was kind of difficult having Adam as my Big and the Pledge Master. He definitely didn't cut me any slack. In fact, he was just a bit tougher on me than the other Pledges so that it didn't seem that he was playing favorites. I was smart enough to know what he was doing, but still, it hurt some. I think it hurt even more because I was fascinated with him. It was very confusing for me. I couldn't define even to myself what I felt for Adam. There was no way that I could qualify it as love. It would take me a long time to be able to admit something like that. At the time, I probably would have admitted to extreme admiration, with a side of lust. Most of our days were occupied by interviewing the Brothers. I loved that part of pledge season. Each of them full of stories themselves. I loved hearing the pledge stories of the Brothers, learning that really, they were no different than us. They made a lot of the same mistakes that we made. I especially enjoyed hanging out with some of the older brothers, the seniors. Although they were still active in the Fraternity, they really weren't around as much as the sophomores and juniors. As you recall, the Fraternity was an underground Fraternity. They had lost their charter about two years ago. Most of the seniors were the last ones to officially wear the "Letters" and be inducted by National. We pledges still weren't told what they were kicked off campus for, and we were dying to know. We would be told when we got in. I was amazed by their story though, about how challenging of a time it was for them. How pissed off they were at the school and their National. How for a while, they weren't sure what the future of the Fraternity would be. They were told they couldn't take on any new membership while their charter was revoked. But they decided to do it anyway, for the future of the Fraternity. But by doing so, they risked ever getting their Charter again. Some of them were happy being underground and didn't care if we were ever recognized again. But, we were told, that would be 'our' decision, as by that time, they would be alumni and the fraternity would be 'ours'. I liked the sound of that. What made pledging even more frustrating, the pledges of the other Greek Organizations had finished their pledge season and were now wearing letters. That was a total downer, seeing them 'free' again and equals in their Brothers' eyes. It seemed that our pledge season was nowhere near the end. It was only a few days before Thanksgiving break. We would be coming back to school not as Brothers, but pledges. It was looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. It had been two months since I was in command of my own life. I yearned to sleep late, do nothing and have my mother take care of me. I didn't have to be anywhere at any specific time wearing what I was told to wear. I desperately needed the rest. It would also give me time away from Kevin, away from my newly discovered urges, to give me a fresh prospective. Finally, Wednesday came a long and I said my goodbyes to the Brothers and my fellow pledges. My Dad picked me up and drove me home. It was rather awkward driving with my father. He wanted to know what was new and exciting. Well Dad, I had a few gay experiences, a threesome with a hooker and with all the pledge activities, it is very possible that I may get a 2.0 this semester. Aren't you proud? Yeah, you heard me correctly, gay experience. It felt awesome, and I think I really liked it, but don't worry, I'm doing my best to resist the urges. Of course, that conversation never happened. I talked mostly about the camping trip and how great my classes were going (lie) during the hour drive home. When I originally told my parents that I was pledging a fraternity, they were less than pleased. But I told them about the Library hours and that I had plenty of time to study, so that settled their minds a bit. But I think that they realized that they didn't have much say in the matter. Thanksgiving break was everything that I needed. The comfort of home and family, while catching up with old friends. It was weird at first, but after a few hours, it was like I never left. I so loved sleeping in my old bed. At home I had a queen-sized bed, at school I had a twin. Talk about reversal of fortunes. I had a lot of making up to do with my friends. I had pretty much blown them all off for the last two months, since pledge season started. It wasn't intentional; I just didn't have the time. They understood, but gave me a hard time anyway. We got totally fucked up the whole time I was home. We had a blast. I even got laid twice, chicks I had fucked before in high school. I hadn't thought about Kevin the whole weekend. Out of sight, out of mind. I was back to my old heterosexual self. Until Saturday night came along. I was hanging out with my bud Mike. Mike was pretty much my best friend growing up. He called my mom, "Mom" as I did his Mom. We were always sleeping over each other's houses. Mike went to Marist College in upstate NY. Anyway, it was just the two of us hanging out before we were going to meet some of the guys and head into the City. We were sitting in his TV room, just shooting the shit and having a couple of beers. Out of nowhere he goes... "Holy shit Walsh, I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys," as he became completely animated. "What?" I asked. "You know Bobby Mulholland from HS, right?" "Sure, on the track team." I knew Bobby. He wasn't a part of our crowd. During the summers I worked as a Cabana Boy in a beach club. Bobby's family had a cabana on my court and I saw him pretty much everyday during the summer. I wouldn't say that we were friends, but we were friendly. "Yeah, that's him. He goes to Marist too. So we started hanging out when school first started, he lives in the same dorms as me. In HS we never really hung out with him, but as I got to know him, I thought he was a pretty cool guy," Mike goes on to say. "That's your exciting story that you forgot to tell us?" I asked. "No, dickhead, I'm getting to that part. If you'd shut the fuck up and let me finish, I'll tell you," Mike said. Mike thought he was a tough guy. Typical Brooklyn attitude. "Sorry, go ahead and finish," I said. "As I was saying, we hung out a lot as school started, but then like after a month, I hardly see him anymore. This chick in my Stats class lives on his floor and we start studying together. She's like totally hot. I want to do a lot more than study, but that's a different story. So one night we're studying and I ask her if she knows Bobby. She does, and I'm like, I haven't seen him in weeks, what's he been doing? And she's like, he's got some boyfriend and no one sees him anymore." "You mean girlfriend," I added. "No. That's what I said to her, you mean girlfriend. And she says no. Everyone on the floor was really shocked, but Bobby's gay." "What?" I said. "You heard me right," Mike answered, "Mulholland's a fag." "Quit pulling my leg. Bobby had a girlfriend throughout all of HS," I said. I was beginning to get nervous. This was hitting home more than I was ready for. I got up, chugged the last half of my beer, went to the fridge and grabbed two more beers. "I know, his girlfriend is smoking. But I'm serious as hell, Walsh. After that girl told me, I just started hearing it in different places," Mike said as I passed him his beer. I didn't want to believe it. I knew that Mike wouldn't make up a story like that. But I was totally shocked. At the beach club, Bobby was always with his girl. She was hot. Could Bobby be gay? Maybe he was experimenting, or got caught up into something that he wasn't expecting, like I did. And suddenly, all my worries came surging back to me. The thing I feared the most, getting caught and people talking about it. I must have been introspecting for a while, cause Mike was like, "Hello? Can you believe it?" "No, I can't," was all I could say as I shook my head. "Speaking of his girlfriend, when we were hanging out I asked him if he was still going out with her and he said that he was. That's fucked up if he's a fag and his girl doesn't know it." And then I said something that even shocked me. "Mike, quit calling him a fag. You don't know what's going on with him. Maybe he's just trying something out." "You're taking his side?" Mike asked me with a surprised look on his face. Then I chickened out a bit and back-peddled. I really wanted to get past this conversation. I was very uncomfortable. "No, I'm not defending him. But I don't think that you should tell anyone else about this Mike. It's none of our business and you really don't know what is going on. If you start telling people, it's gonna get back to his family and stuff and that's not cool." "Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't want that to happen. It's still fucked up though. I don't care what you say about that 'trying something out' shit. You fool around with a guy, you're a fag." I didn't argue with him. I let his statement stay as it was. I couldn't argue with him. A huge piece of me totally agreed with him. Except that made me a fag. But I'm not a fag. Fuck, why can't I get away from this debate. Little did I know that I would still be debating this for a long time to come. "So what time is everyone getting here?" I asked to change the subject. I tried not to show it, but the conversation that Mike and I shared about Bobby had pretty much soured the rest of my evening. I couldn't keep Bobby off my mind. How fucking coincidental is that? Not only the similarities that Bobby and I had in fooling around with a guy, but the fact that Mike would tell ME about it of all people. We were at this bar and at one point I started talking to this girl that I fucked a few times in HS. I said goodbye to all my friends since my Dad was taking me back early in the morning. She and I went back to her place and got it on. I really wasn't that interested, but I needed to be with a woman. Sunday morning I said goodbye to my family and headed back to school. About 5 minutes from campus I reached into my bag and pulled out my pledge pin. According to the Pledge Masters, we were supposed to wear our pins over break. I was going to at first, but when I got home I didn't feel like dealing with all the questions. I wanted a break from pledging. Knowing that I was the only Brother (pledge) in Brooklyn, I figured the chance of me getting caught with out it were slim. As I put the pin back on, I tried to ready myself for pledging again. I so wanted it to be over. Not only pledging, but this whole sexual issue. I wanted to be back to heterosexual John again. I hugged my Dad. He wanted to walk me up to the room, but I told him I could handle it. See you Christmas, he said as he slipped me $250.00. Get some nice gifts for your Mom and your Brother and Sister. I waved him goodbye as he took off. With a sigh, I grabbed my bags and headed into the dorms... So there it is. To be continued. Let me know how you all are alt76frat@yahoo.com