I am sooooooooo sorry it took so long to get this next chapter out. What happened was a world class “Well duh, Harm, you dim bint” moment in the form of a total hard drive crash on the ONE volume I didn’t have backed up. And do you want to know something about data recovery? It’s insanely expensive. It works, but wow, if you think major reconstructive surgery is pricey … I’ve got one word for you: Backups.

Hard drives are dirt cheap compared to the cost of pulling back all your oh my god my photos and my movies and holy shit my writing. I had to scrimp, save, beg, borrow, steal, prostitute myself, mug nuns, even work for a while in Public Relations … all kinds of horrible stuff. I do not recommend it.

But I’m back. Here we go.

Also, I now have a Twitter: https://twitter.com/BruckeHarmony. Be nice.

This is a work of erotic fantasy, so there’s quite a lot of sex. However, there isn’t sex happening in every chapter. There are many passages that include setup, character development, and all that boring stuff which makes the sex that much more meaningful when it finally happens. I know not everyone cares about backstory or getting to know the characters, so each chapter which does have sex in it also has a heart following its title: ♥

The sex is not intended to be pornographic or paraphilic. It’s just the kind of stuff that happens between people, though sometimes in somewhat unusual situations. This includes threesomes and groups, intimacy taking place among people under the age of eighteen (with no one over eighteen present), same-sex partners, and scenes involving brother-sister incest. If you live in the kind of world where you believe those sorts of things never happen, or should never happen, you’re both (1) welcome to stop reading now; and (2) not even remotely in touch with reality in any way at all.

There is cover art for Book 2! It’s non-nude. If you’d like to see it, it’s here on imgbox.com.

Finally, Nifty has been providing some primo material for years now, and can always use a helping hand. Websites aren’t free to operate or maintain, and no one’s getting paid to do any of this. Donate what you can, as you’re able!

Enjoy!

— Harmony Brücke, fricfic at gmail.

Kaeleigh Goes All the Way

Book 2: 2024 • Part II: Make New Friends; Keep the Old

4. It’s a Small World After All ♥

Luke and Kaeleigh’s weekend schedules were fairly busy. Fridays, they played in ATW; the adult rosters were large and diverse enough to offer games where all the players were couples, and they were having a hell of a lot of fun with the partner-swap-for-a-night vibe. (There was nothing sexier, she said, than watching him unload his balls in another girl.) Saturdays, she was in the women’s-only game, while he was with Lana. Sundays, he was at work, and that was when she was getting her own time in with Meilin. Kaeleigh and Luke were together most nights of the week, and a lot of the days, as well, but in some ways life here continued for them as it had in Cliveston. They each had lives and lovers of their own.

Well, it was what they’d grown up with, after all.

Kaeleigh hadn’t had an opportunity to speak with Lana — Luke said she was afraid to meet her in person, but he was working on that — but from everything he said, she seemed like a great woman. She was strong, intelligent, and fearless; and it was pretty obvious her brother was in love with her, and that it was reciprocal. She’d seen him get in it deep before with other girls, and knew she wasn’t threatened. What she shared with him was, and always would be, unique for them both. And as it was, she had other ways to be occupied.

At first, when she and Meilin got together, Matt would be there. Other times, it would be Luke. Still other times, it would be one (or more) of the other regular boys from PGP; occasionally Meilin actually did bang a pizza boy, Kaeleigh a happy accomplice in fulfilling the cliché. There was nothing quite so nice as spending an afternoon or evening in the middle of the week with a good friend or three. But as their friendship grew and deepened into a relationship, Kaeleigh and Meilin took to the habit of reserving Sundays for just the two of them, alone together.

Nette had been an important part of her life for several years, and Kaeleigh still missed her, but she didn’t think her feelings for Meilin were just a case of her looking for a substitute, or to recapture something she’d had before. Meilin had little in common with Nette in a lot of ways; her ancestry was different, she was quite wealthy, she had certain … difficulties on the emotional and cognitive fronts because of her brain chemistry, and she was much more promiscuous. What Meilin and Nette had in common were their friendliness to and acceptance of Kaeleigh as an equal, and their forthright and frequently-expressed desire for her; but apart from that, they were very different women.

Kaeleigh liked being wanted. Sex, for her, wasn’t about making up for a deficiency, but a girl liked to know she could get people steamed up. The ATW games were wonderful ego boosts, and her costars’ responses to her when they were in a scene helped her set her own lust free, turning thirty minutes of action in front of a camera into authentic acts of passion and pleasure.

She was starting to be recognized, now, when she was out on the town. Most of the interactions were friendly and charming, a fan — man or woman — delighted and slightly discomfited to meet her live and in person. They’d seen her in her altogether, having naked naughty fun with someone; they’d masturbated to her; and all of a sudden there she was in the store, buying milk or eggs, wearing a tee, jeans, and grubby sneakers, just like any other mere mortal. Blushing and stammering usually gave way to a couple minutes of talk, a selfie, and smiles.

Some encounters were … less enjoyable. During her orientation and her conversations with Luke, Meilin, and others, she’d heard about the fans who couldn’t see the line between her performing in a scene, and her being willing to get down with someone just because he had a penis. She took to going out in the company of others, and — like her brother — decided she would steer clear of bars once she reached that age. She had a much more visceral and direct understanding, now, of why her costars placed such a high value on privacy.

But that was a relatively minor inconvenience compared to what she was gaining. The money was good, but that wasn’t the draw. What she loved about her work was the people she worked with, and she showed it regularly and joyously. The dances and picnics were great social mixers, and as the student population began to densify prior to the U’s classes starting up for the year, the ranks swelled a bit. Some of the incoming talent were returning students who’d been in scenes before. Some were new. In many ways, PGP was like the ATW pool back home had been; she got to know everyone in her usual enthusiastic way, and had something stable with Luke, and something … intriguing and beautiful with Meilin.

“It’s like we’re all family, in a way,” she said one Sunday, floating on her back beside Meilin in her half-sinful fishtank-that-wasn’t, the sunlight streaming down and warming her fully-bare body through to the bone. It was late in the summer and school hadn’t started yet; there was every possibility the telescope kid was installed at his eyepiece, but she couldn’t be bothered to worry about him any more than Meilin did. The most he’d see was the silhouettes of their bodies behind the mirrored pool face, and maybe a flash of T&A as they got in or out. For a boy his age, that would probably be enough to last him a week. “Just a, a group of cousins at a reunion or something, people you feel like you know deep down, and can trust right away.”

Meilin sighed. “It didn’t used to be quite that good. But you’re right. We’re all getting the vibe now.”

“How’d it used to be?”

“Oh, there was lots of friendliness. Lots of … interpersonal mixing. Lots of scenes behind the scenes. It’s just a little less inhibited now, a little more affectionate. I was talking about it with Nadia and Rach a while ago. They’ve noticed it too.” Rach and Nadia were the grande dames of the core talent, both in their late twenties; they’d been working for Marta for years, and were wrapping up their degree programs at the U. This would be their final year at college and at PGP before they manifested the next stages of their futures. Kaeleigh thought they were both magnificent, and not just in bed. “They think — and so do I — that it has something to do with you.”

“Me? Why? How?”

Meilin shrugged, the water sloshing gently around her shoulders, her bare breasts bobbing a little with the motion. She was as naked as her girlfriend; her house, she’d said, was clothing-optional at all times, heavy on the optional, and Kaeleigh had been happy to play along. “You have a way of drawing the best out of people. Sexuality, feeling, friendship, camaraderie. You’re much more easygoing than most with hand-holding, hugs, snuggles … everything most people associate with relationships. It’s not just the sex, though that’s good with you too. It’s your way of connecting with other people, and helping them connect better with each other. I envy you that. If I had that kind of magnetism, I’d’ve hit ten thousand sex partners years earlier.”

“You know you can still be with other people, right? It doesn’t have to be just the two of us on these Sunday things.”

Meilin looked at her. “I want it to be, though. Unless you’d like extra guests.”

“No, I … I like it like this too. I’m just saying if you want to get more partners, don’t feel like you need to clear it with me or anything.”

“Oh. No, that’s not what I meant, but thank you for saying that. It’s not the sex I was thinking about. Just your way of bringing people together. It’s a rare gift. And I think it’s changed the way things are at work, for the better. There were times when it felt stratified a little, especially in the core talent. Some of them treated newcomers, or students coming in to make a few bucks off and on, like outsiders. That isn’t happening now. Everyone’s noticed how you don’t hold back with anyone, how you treat everyone like your dearest friends, and they’re starting to follow your lead.”

Kaeleigh thought about her high school years, the way she hadn’t bothered much about social status, her willingness to talk to and sleep with pretty much anyone who wasn’t an asshole. Cliques were primate clan behavior manifesting in the larger scope of human “civilization”; that, to her, was glaringly obvious. It baffled her how rarely others seemed to notice it, or care when she pointed it out, and she said as much to Meilin. “I hated hierarchies when I was in school. It’s all clades and false distinctions and meaningless chest-thumping. Literally, that’s all any of it is. You’d think, after three hundred thousand years of evolution, we’d stop acting like chimps throwing shit at each other because we live in different clumps of bushes.”

“And that’s what I’m talking about,” Meilin said, after studying her for several moments. “You see that. I think most of the core talent would get it, if you said it to them. And you work around the cliques, and knit them together in new ways.” She smiled. “And on a personal front, it’s a hell of a thing to have a girlfriend who not only understands something that fundamental about human nature, but can also articulate it. At least half of the problems psychologists deal with every day in their patients would vanish, if that kind of … of primate politics went away. If people saw it and recognized it for what it was.”

“But we need to have it, at least a little, don’t we? It might be part of our primate background, but we’re mammals. We’re social animals. We need our clades, our friends, our family.”

“You’re right,” Meilin said. “The trick is learning how to make the definition of family inclusive enough to accommodate everyone, instead of only those who look or think or act mostly like us.”

Kaeleigh grunted. “True. But at least we’re not all literally family. Otherwise I’d not only be doing lesbian things with you, but incest too.”

Meilin giggled, then reached over and linked hands with her. “If you were my sister, I’d still be doing you.”

“Me too,” Kaeleigh said, utterly certain it was true. “Do you have any sibs?”

“Huh-uh, it’s just me. Asian stereotypes include small families, and in that sense, at least, my family fits the mold. And it was pretty hard on Mom and Dad, so they wanted to keep the family small anyway.”

“What was?”

Melin shrugged. “Getting together. There’s a lot of antipathy, still, between China and Japan. Nippon, as a nation, was … really brutal during the run-up to World War Two, and Japanese soldiers were ruthless on the mainland. A lot of Koreans aren’t all that fond of Japan still, either, for the same reason. I don’t mean ethnic Koreans; I mean people living there now. So Mom being from Shenzhen and Dad from Katsuura … as some people saw it, it was like the Rape of Nanking all over again. Having a biracial child was like grinding it in everyone’s face. They got a lot of looks and heard a lot of comments, and when Dad found himself work in the States for Nissan, he was only too happy to hop on over and make it a permanent change. Mom agreed, mostly, but I know she still misses … a lot of things.”

“Is it better here, at least?”

“Somewhat. There’s a wide streak of racism in this country.”

“Shit,” Kaeleigh sighed.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. Mom’s view of it is that they’re not looked down on here because they’re of mixed heritage. It’s more generic, because most Americans can’t tell the difference between Asian lineages in the first place. So they’re treated better than they were in ether China or Japan, but they don’t quite fit in here because they’re not a pair of round-eyes.” She harrumphed and blushed when Kaeleigh giggled. “Uh … maybe I should rephrase that.”

“No,” Kaeleigh said. “Sometimes Lana calls Luke a cracker. I have some little idea what it’s like to be oppressed, and I know most of the oppressors in this country are white. I’d be calling most of us a bunch of honky cracker homomisic white trash myself. And sometimes I even do.”

Meilin’s hand squeezed hers. “Thank you. We’re sisters under the skin, at least.”

“I think we’re more than that.”

“…Yeah. We are. What about you? Any sibs?”

“A stereotypical pain in the ass big brother, yeah.” Almost immediately, she wanted to suck that sentence back into nonexistence. But she’d felt so relaxed and at ease, floating in the pool, holding hands with her girlfriend.

Meilin did exactly what anyone would do in that circumstance. “Really? What’s he think of you working in porn? And being with Luke?”

“He, um, uh, well.”

“Oh no, don’t tell me he’s one of those big-brother types, the substitute dad, the not-with-my-little-sister kind of guy.”

“No, he’s … supportive of me being at PGP. And being involved with Luke.” Keep it simple was slipping farther away by the moment. Why hadn’t she let Meilin think her assumption was the right one, and let it become an abrupt change of subject? “We just … Mom knows what I’m doing for a living, and she’s mostly okay with it, or at least past the long-suffering sighs.” Some of that was due to Luke having endured those sighs for two years already; he’d softened her up. “But there’s stuff you don’t talk with a sib about, you know?”

“Yeah … yeah, I suppose he’s not wanting every detail of how your week at work went. Is he like you in other ways, at least? Libertine? Bisexual? Insanely attractive?”

“Yeah, he, uh, he was in ATW back home too.”

“How’d that work, with both of you playing?”

“You don’t get matched in any group with a sib.”

“Oh. Oh, right, of course.” Meilin chuckled. “I guess that could get awkward otherwise. Especially if you went all the way together, and were naked.”

“It’d sure, uh,” Kaeleigh said. “Yeah. Did you play a lot?”

“Only about six months. I had some really good times, but when I hit eighteen, I stopped.”

“Why?”

“I was legal. I could go out and get it with a wider range of partners, I could get into singles sites and swingers’ sites, I could work as an escort … all the fetters of my status as a juvenile went away, one minute after midnight.”

“Do you ever … miss any of that?”

“No,” Meilin said. “I was still figuring things out. Still learning how to deal with my bipolar, still getting the range for the meds, and just drowning in guilt from Mom and Dad about all the fucking I was doing. All that inner drama became me acting out, and I acted out sexually. Moving away helped with some of it. My parents didn’t have to know it was happening any more, so at least that stream of guilt was mostly stopped.”

“Jeez. I was really lucky there. Mom knew I was fooling around, and she knew about Trav and Nette, and didn’t rake me over the coals. She just wanted to make sure I was playing safe.”

“Did she know you were playing ATW?”

“Fuck no,” Kaeleigh said. “Everyone has their limits, and I’m really sure that would’ve been way past hers.”

“Probably a good call. Parents can get weird about the weirdest things, including natural things like sex.”

“Yeah. Some worse than others. I guess yours were on the worse end of the curve.”

“They wanted to do right, and they worried for my health, and I understand why, looking back. But at the time, I was also getting a lot of judgment from them and everyone else, and I really couldn’t deal with it any more. Moving out was an important step for me. It got me out of the reactive cycle with them, so I could take some time to back off, take a deep breath, and look a little more objectively at what I was doing and why. Then I got in with Silk and Lace here, and found a … well, a somewhat more socially-acceptable way for me to channel my drives, and PGP was a lifesaver. Great work, a solid collection of licentious and willing colleagues, and fistfuls of dick and mouthfuls of … heh. Everything.”

“Tell me,” Kaeleigh sighed. “I hear people complaining all the time about their jobs. Having to get up and punch the clock, grind away at a desk or behind a sales counter, dealing with crappy management and a boss who doesn’t care about anything but the bottom line. I can’t believe how lucky I was to … how lucky I am. Just in general. There’s so many ways my life could’ve gone wrong. I could’ve had a string of bad relationships. Without Enfem, I could’ve ended up with a disease, or pregnant, or both. I could’ve never found the work I have now, or my friends.”

“And you might’ve had problems with your mother hassling you, or your brother,” Meilin said.

“Oh. Yeah.” Christ, why the fuck didn’t I just lie outright?

But she knew why. This was Meilin, whom she was falling for in every way, and she just couldn’t lie to her. And maybe, on a deeper level, she was wishing she could tell her everything and have it all be okay, like it was now with Marta.

“Would you really do me, if I was your sister?”

“Yes,” Meilin said, and giggled. “To be honest, I’m not sure how your brother managed to keep away from you.”

“W—” What if I told you he didn’t? It was so, so tempting, right there just behind her lips. “Well, we could always pretend we’re sisters. Do each other’s hair and nails, have a pajama party, talk about boys, order a pizza and watch terrible chick flicks together.”

“I don’t wear pajamas,” Meilin said.

“See? We’re already dressed for it. How does the rest of it sound?”

“Fantastic,” Meilin said. “As long as there’s some incest in the bargain too.”

Kaeleigh chuckled. “You can count on that, as long as I’m around.”

“Are you all right?” Meilin was studying her again. “You look a little … I don’t know, flushed.”

“Oh. Huh. Probably all this time in the sun. Maybe I should go in for a while.”

“Good idea.” Meilin began stroking for the side. “How about I mix us some mimosas, and you load up a chick flick, little sis?”

“God,” Kaeleigh sighed. “You don’t have to be telling me what to do all the time, you know. You’re not Mom.” They went inside giggling.

* * *

It was late, well after midnight, when Kaeleigh woke to the bed shifting beneath and all around her. She saw Meilin carefully making her way across the rolling mattress, then watched her trim, lithe form slip into the master (or mistress) bathroom. After a few minutes she came back out, then went down the hall, turning off whatever lights were still on until the house was dark. Kaeleigh waited for her, but after ten or more minutes, when she still hadn’t returned, she got up too.

She found Meilin sitting on the ell sofa in the glass-walled sunroom, looking out over the city. “Hey,” she murmured. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Meilin said, her voice quiet too. “You bet it is.”

“I’m not … intruding, am I?”

“Hell no, honey. I’m glad you’re here. I was just thinking about you.” She patted the cushion beside her, and Kaeleigh snuggled up against her. “I feel like I made a really good friend when I met you.”

“So do I,” said Kaeleigh. “But I’m still a gihugeic fan, too, farts and boogers and all.”

Meilin giggled. “Oh, I suppose I’ll live.” They kissed for a while and then settled back, spooning, with Meilin in front. Kaeleigh’s hand settled between her girlfriend’s legs, giving her that light, soothing caress she liked so well. Meilin was glad she and Kaeleigh had decided to reserve one day (and night) a week for just the two of them. It felt good to be held gently by a beautiful naked girl, to just be there in the moment, the two of them sharing time with each other and no one else. “Usually, around this time, I’d be waking up someone for sex.”

“I’m here,” Kaeleigh said.

“I know, and thank you. I want to make love with you again. But that’s not why I mentioned it. It’s just … so strange to be horny, but not out of control any more. I’ve been … enjoying the last few weeks in a way I never have before. I still get to have very good sex with very good lovers, but I can take a deep breath when it’s done, and know it’s done for a while. It’s beautiful. I don’t even need my butterfly any more. I can just … go to sleep like normal, along with everyone else.” She turned a little and stroked Kaeleigh’s cheek. “And I have you to thank for it, you and your wonderful magic touch.”

“I’m glad I can help.”

Melin smiled and kissed her. “I’m glad you’re my girlfriend. It means a lot to me. Not just because I love the scenes you’re in, especially with me. It’s that you keep up with me. You play along when we’re with our friends. There’s no jealousy. It’s the kind of relationship I need, Kaeleigh. Being able to have sex with other girls, with boys, and you right there in it with me … or even when it’s me and someone else, one-on-one, and you know it, and you don’t get possessive.” She kissed her, a sweet light taste of her lips. “It means a lot to me.”

“It does to me too,” said Kaeleigh. “I like that we can be together like this, just us, but we can have Luke or Matt or Neil or Paul or … Rach, Nadia, Janice, Skye, Laura … and you know I’m with Luke, and you’re okay with that, and I can be with you too.”

“Well, you do bring him along a lot.”

Kaeleigh giggled. “Wouldn’t want him feeling too left out.” She nuzzled Meilin. “I really don’t have any use for jealousy. I don’t see the point. And I’m glad you’re not feeling it either.”

Meilin shrugged. “You’re gorgeous. I love being with you, but I also love watching you with a boy, or another girl. I love seeing how you eat pussy, even when you’re not doing it to me. And when you are doing it to me, I can look in your eyes and see there’s no one else in the universe but us. You deal with my wild moments, you don’t judge, and you listen and care. You’re the perfect girlfriend.”

“Right back at you,” Kaeleigh said.

“Have you been involved with any girls since you met Luke?”

“Just Nette, but she was there before he and I connected. She moved away to college a couple years ago. Stanford. Since then…” She shrugged. “I’m with Luke and I’m a player, and I work at PGP now too, so being exclusive’s not something I can do.”

“I can’t be exclusive either,” Meilin said. She turned to face Kaeleigh completely, and put her arms around her shoulders. “I need sex, from lots of different partners, and I have two jobs that pretty much guarantee an assortment of dicks inside me, and pussies on my face, every week.”

“I know.” Kaeleigh nestled her closer. “It’s okay. It doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.”

“It’s … nice to be involved with someone who understands that.”

“Me too. Being your girlfriend doesn’t mean I own you. I get that.”

“So do I. So … we’re okay?”

“Yes,” Kaeleigh said. “We are. You don’t have anything to worry about there.”

“Good.” They kissed, and snuggled a while, and Meilin sighed.

“There’s something else on your mind, isn’t there?”

“Yeah.”

“If there’s anything I can do to help, even if it’s listen, I’m listening. You know, I hope, that I’m not the judge-y type.”

“I know.” Meilin was quiet for a while. “It’s just … I’ve been … I guess I carry some sexual guilt, and not just because I’m so … willing to get down with anyone. I’ve taken a few chances through the years. I’ve … hurt a lot of people.” Meilin looked at her.

“I think I know you better than to think you did it on purpose.” Kaeleigh kissed her brow. “Go on. What’s so heavy?”

“Oh, it’s just…” She sighed again. “Hypersexuality sounds like fun. Some people think they want to have it. And I think most people feel hypersexual, every once in a while, just like everyone sometimes has the blues, or feels amazingly happy and good, but it doesn’t mean they have depression or mania. But when you’re living in it and there’s no off switch, it stops being fun in a hell of a hurry, because there’s a difference between wanting sex, and literally actually needing it.”

“Yeah, I kinda got the feeling it could wear you down a little.”

“Oh my lack of god, yes. It doesn’t help that we’re — Americans — we’re all living with a deeply Puritanical legacy surrounding sex. We’re one of the most repressed cultures that’s ever existed, so even ‘normal’ sexuality is considered rude for polite company, and when you work for an escort service or regularly perform in erotica, you’re shoved way the hell out on the fringes. When you’re a nymphomaniac on top of it all, you become … extra aware of the social forces trying to keep you down and judge you, and it’s not always easy to keep yourself from internalizing those judgments.”

“Oh, shit, don’t remind me,” Kaeleigh sighed. “The crap I heard in the locker rooms sometimes, and I had a choice in it. You didn’t.”

“Yes. I struggled hard with myself all through high school. I heard the slut shaming, and I got all the judgment in the world from my parents, and it hit me hard. But I really … just could not stop fucking. For the longest time, my behaviors were just … really horribly selfish. I didn’t care if I was fucking someone’s boyfriend. When I hit eighteen, I didn’t care whether someone was underage. I just wanted to fuck. I just wanted to come. And the whole time, I felt guilty, because I knew I was transgressing expectations and boundaries for acceptable behavior, I knew I was breaking laws, I knew I was breaking up relationships. Being bipolar on top of that only made it worse, because when I was in a depressive cycle, I was constantly thinking about suicide, and when I was manic, I cared even less about who I hurt.”

“Oh,” Kaeleigh said. “I thought the manic part of it was just … being happy all the time. It’s not?”

“No. A manic cycle … it’s a little like being drunk. You get an idea in your head and you think why the hell not, let’s do it. And when you’re a neurotypical person, or when I’m not in a manic phase, there’s another part of you saying well, no, maybe that’s not the best idea. And it’s that inner voice of caution most people listen to most of the time, but that voice gets sort of pushed aside when you’re drunk. Right?”

“Yeah,” Kaeleigh said. “I get what you mean, yeah. I know what it’s like to sort of … feel my judgment slip a little, when I’ve had enough booze.”

“Right. Well, when you’re manic, it’s not there at all any more. There is zero judgment, zero self-censorship, zero concern for consequences. You feel invulnerable, invincible. You’re just sure there won’t be any problems, that the troubles will all blow over, that you won’t get hurt, and no one else will either. You have no sense of perspective or proportion at all. And you have the energy to continue doing whatever it is for a very long time. I’ve known of people who were manic, went out and charged twenty grand worth of purchases in one afternoon, and acted like it wasn’t anything important. Twenty grand at eighteen percent interest, and they were only making about forty thousand a year.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Yeah. I was like that, with sex, until I got some stability from lamotrigine. I’d fuck anything with a pulse when I was manic. But even with the BP mostly managed, I still had the hypersexuality.” She sighed. “And I was thinking about what Matt said before, that maybe my tolerance for orgasm is just unusually high, and I don’t think that’s all of it, but it might be a big factor. I can fuck for hours sometimes, and come over and over again, little ones and big ones, and still want more. The orgasms you give me are totally unique in my experience. I really am able to … it feels like a fist, inside, unclenching. I feel something in me relax its grasp.

“So now I have a new tool in my kit to help me manage my … self. And that’s something I really owe you for. Now all I need is a way to get past the guilt I still feel sometimes for … for liking sex in the first place, I guess. But maybe that’s the BP talking, too, and probably the echoes of my parents.”

“I know what you mean,” Kaeleigh said. “Between All The Way, and working for Marta now, and … other things, yeah, I know what it’s like to want to do something that everyone says you shouldn’t do.”

“All women do, in this country.”

“Yeah. We do. Some of us more than others.”

“How do you deal with it?” Meilin said, and sat up. “All the guilt, the judgment.”

Kaeleigh shrugged, rising to slip her arms around her waist. She sat with her back-to-front, watching the city glimmer. “I just … there isn’t anything I can do to change it, and I’m not sure why I should.”

“I agree, but it can’t be that easy. Can it?”

“What’s your favorite ice cream?”

“Huh?”

“Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry…”

“Uh, chocolate. Double fudge. But what’s that got to do with—”

“Okay,” Kaeleigh said. “Well, stop.”

“Stop … what?”

“Stop liking double-fudge chocolate.”

“Why?”

“Just stop. From now on, you only like pistachio.”

“But … why? What’s that got to do with … I mean, who cares if I like…” She stopped. “Ohh.”

“Yeah,” Kaeleigh said, smoothing her fingers through Meilin’s silky hair. “I know what people think about the things I do. But I like doing them, for whatever reason, and I can’t stop liking it — and I shouldn’t have to try to stop it. I can’t just stop liking something because someone tells me to, and they don’t have the right. I’m not hurting anyone. So who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks? It’s just none of their business.”

“But … I have hurt people before, sometimes.”

“Lately?”

“Well … no, I’ve found … ways to channel my drives into … okay, I think I see what you’re getting at.”

“Right. You have Luke and Matt and the other guys when you need them. You have me tonight, which means tonight your boyfriend down the hill doesn’t get jumped on. Tomorrow, it’ll be … I dunno, the Domino’s driver, maybe, delivering an extra-large pepperoni. The next day, you’re at work again. Then, you’re working for the escort service. See? You’re not out of control, not really, and the kid down the way keeps on being a virgin or whatever for a while longer, and you’re not out taking anyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend away, and you’re … you’re doing okay. You really are.”

“Yeah,” Meilin sighed. She leaned back against Kaeleigh. “You’re right. But I still wish I could go back and change a few things. I should know better. I’m a psych major. But there’s a real difference between seeing the way to help other people out of their problems, and getting out of your own set of trees to see the forest. There’s a lot of guilt in my history. A lot of hidden hurt. Things I’ve done I don’t want anyone else to know about.”

“I know that feeling, too. Everyone has that. But you know — you must know — how pointless it is to want to change the past. You can’t, and you never will. All you can do is … try to figure out where things went wrong before, and work on how things are now, to make sure you don’t repeat the mistakes.”

“But…”

“No,” Kaeleigh said, gently. “You can’t change the past. All you can do is learn from it, and try to let go of the regret.”

“Well, yes, I get that intellectually, I tell it to the people I’m counseling all the time, but … how do I learn to feel it?”

“Well, for me, I just … when I catch myself gnawing on an old bone, I just … I look at it for a while, try to see what it is about it that’s bugging me, and sort of … take it apart like that until I’ve looked at it from every side.”

“And that works?”

“It seems to. But there’s sort of a trick to it, too. Whatever it is, it’s part of … my world, my life and heart and head, and I know that, but … when I’m doing that, when I’m … deconstructing a problem, I sort of detach from it. I look at it almost like it’s just a logic puzzle, something I don’t have to get involved with personally. I don’t know if everyone can do that or not, though.”

“So you maintain objectivity.”

“Yeah. Or I try to, anyway.”

Meilin pondered that. It wasn’t too different from the peer counseling she offered to students at the U — she was well aware of the value of intellectual distance and what it could do for processing problems — but most students’ difficulties seemed trivial to her. The people she counseled, by and large, were mostly dealing with self-created stress, not organic affective and sexual troubles, and a hell of a lot of it was puerile. They were flunking English. Why were they flunking English? They hadn’t completed their course work. Why hadn’t they completed their course work? They’d attended class three times the whole semester. Why hadn’t they been going to class? Because Eng 101 is boring, man, they want us to read books and stuff. What they really wanted was someone to rescue them from their own irresponsibility, which might have been a trap for her too; the difference was choice. Her hypersexuality overdrove her libido, and her bipolar overrode her judgment. It wasn’t the same as getting five pages into Melville or Hemingway and deciding watching the MMA cage match was a better pursuit of your time. “But I’ve made some pretty regrettable mistakes. There’ve been things I really wished I hadn’t done, later on.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like…” Meilin sighed. “I think it’s deep, dark secret time.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. I need to tell you this.” Kaeleigh held her, still stroking her hair, and waited for her. “When I was in high school, I … liked younger boys.”

“Oh,” Kaeleigh said. “How young?”

“Uh … well … pubescent. Ish. Old enough to be interested. But not necessarily … what some would think of as old enough.”

“Cub Scouts? Webelos?”

“Mmm … the youngest boy I ever … he was in seventh grade. He, um. He didn’t quite have a reason to shave. Anywhere. He … he was ejaculating, but barely. And his voice…”

“I knew of a couple boys in my school, in seventh grade, who weren’t virgins.”

“But were they fucking an eleventh-grader?”

“No, but they sure as hell would’ve wanted to.”

Meilin chuckled. Then she giggled. “Okay. I really don’t know why I … well, that’s not true. I know why. When a boy’s that age, he stays hard after he comes. He can keep fucking. And he wants to, and he wants to do everything else too, because it’s all new, it’s all exciting, and it’s serious bragging rights to bang a girl with actual tits, not a stuffed bra. Maybe he’s never eaten pussy before, but he wants to try it, and he’s teachable. Maybe his dick isn’t all that huge, but he can get it up and keep it up for an hour.” She sighed. “One of the reasons I think I like girls now is because they’re a little like those boys were. Mostly smooth, mostly soft skin on their faces, and a lot of sexual capacity. And about as much risk of pregnancy.” She turned, startled, at Kaeleigh’s laugh. “You don’t think I’m a pedophile?”

“Did you have to lure any of them into a van with candy, or the old help me find my lost puppy gambit?”

“No. Mostly my lure was, ‘Hey, do you want to go to my house and fuck?’”

Kaeleigh laughed again. “And did any of them ever say no?”

“No. They didn’t.”

“Of course they didn’t. Are you still doing it?”

“No.”

“Do you still want to? Maybe not with a seventh-grader, but maybe with what’s-his-pants down the hill?”

Meilin sighed. “Not … no, not really, not any more. I don’t know if I outgrew it, or talked myself out of it, or what. Things changed for me after I hit eighteen. The stakes were higher. I had more to lose if I was caught, and … well, by then I’d realized just how much I craved the feeling of having semen in me. But I still went after younger … companions, boys in their mid teens, because…”

“I remember,” Kaeleigh said. “Heavy shooters, and some of them have real skill. They’ve had practice, and not just with Rosie.”

“Yeah.” Meilin studied her. “You really aren’t throwing shade or judgment at me, are you?”

“I started fucking when I was thirteen. I lost my virginity in All The Way, during the orgy. Everyone else there was older, most of the way through high school. Sixteen or seventeen years old. They didn’t tell me I was too young, and they weren’t perverts. We were all there for the same thing. And I’ve been a player since, and I’ve been with boys as young as I was when I started. I know the calendar doesn’t mean a damn thing for some things. When a girl or boy is ready, they just are. Making them wait is the same as torturing them.” She kissed her. “No, Meilin, I’m not throwing shade or judgment at you.”

“Thank you,” Meilin said, and settled into her arms again. “The last time it happened, I was eighteen. The boy was fourteen. And it happened more than once. I met him just as I was getting out of ATW, and we traded numbers, and I kept seeing him, even after my birthday. He’s the last underage sex partner I’ve ever had. Do you think I … might’ve … been too old for him? Or too much?”

“Did he?”

“Not … that I noticed.”

“Well, did he go on agreeing to hook up with you?”

“Yeah,” Meilin said. “Yeah, he did.”

“Well, he must’ve liked you, or he wouldn’t have kept seeing you. Does that sound like … I don’t know, an abusive relationship to you?”

“No, he, he was eager enough. He BC’ed me as much as I did him. And he was so good at it, too. He could fuck half the night, and eat me out the other half.”

“Sounds like a pretty standard ATW boy,” Kaeleigh said. Meilin giggled, and sniffled. “It’s okay,” she said, rocking her a little. “I don’t think you’re sick. I don’t think you’re a pedophile. You just like sex, and you like willing partners who can go longer. I’ve been in the ATW circuit here since I moved, and I know by experience there’s always the one guy who talks a big game, but underperforms. That happens with the legal guys, some of them, after they hit thirty, and sometimes before. Why set yourself up for disappointment? But yeah, a younger guy, especially if he’s not a virgin, he’ll live up to his promises. He’s usually too damn grateful and excited to ever want to stop.”

“Still,” Meilin sighed. “Fourteen. Ninth grade.”

“Did he have pubes and a deep voice and cum?”

“Well … yes…”

“So he was maybe a boy, but not a child. Right? And not even a boy, exactly. If he’d murdered someone, they would’ve tried him as an adult. Right? The kind of kid who everyone probably called a young man, not a little boy.”

“Well, yeah, that’s true.”

“Were you in some kind of position of authority over him? Were you his manager at a McBurger, or a, a tutor or something?”

“No, we just … hooked up.”

“So you weren’t using leverage to get into his undies.”

“No, it was … no. It was mutual, and reciprocal. It always was. Even when I was underage myself, and screwing the smooth-and-squeakies. I always got a yes before I went ahead. Even with the last kid.”

“That’s good. And I really don’t think you inflicted any permanent damage on him.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that.”

“I am right about that. He was getting laid with an insanely hot girl.”

Melin laughed. “Okay. Fair enough. He and I Facebooked after I moved here. We still do. He’s about your age now, and going into radiology, and not … slavering after middle school cheerleaders. It’s just … the idea of it that scares me sometimes. How willing I was to cross that line.”

“Well, you seem to be doing okay with not crossing that line now.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. I have better controls in place than I did.”

“See? That’s what I mean. You learned from what happened, you’re not likely to be repeating any of it again, and … really, you don’t have any reason to feel guilty, Meilin. If you were even half the woman then that you are now, you rocked his world every time, and I hope he did the same for you. Him, and every other kid who knew you. It’s all right to let it go and move on.”

“And the couples I broke up, when I was fucking every hardon in school?”

“That was even longer ago. You’re not doing that any more either. And you have to know that high school romances … they’re not permanent anyhow, most of them, and the ones most likely to be, you wouldn’t’ve been able to get the boy in bed in the first place. If it wasn’t you, it would’ve been some other girl.”

“But I still hurt them.”

“Maybe, but they also they hurt each other because the boy was easy, or the girl wasn’t putting out, or both. And that was five or more years ago, now. Are you going to carry it around for the rest of your life? Especially since you were dealing with your own hurt at the same time, and trying to understand something that … that most people never even experience, let alone think about what it’s really like to live with? You didn’t understand it yourself, back then. You were figuring out life too, right along with everyone else. Of course you made mistakes. Everyone else did, too. You didn’t hold any guns to any of those boys’ heads. They fucked you because they wanted to, for whatever reason, so they were just as responsible for the fallout. Right?”

“Well … I suppose so, yes.”

“See? Shit, Meilin, give yourself a break. You were carrying an entire fucking planet on your back, and maybe you slipped up sometimes while you were trying to handle it all, but it didn’t kill you, and it didn’t kill anyone else, either. It’s okay to put it down. It’s okay to let go of it.”

They were quiet for a while, warm and close in the dark. “Did you ever do anything like that? Sleep with someone else’s boyfriend?”

“Sort of. I didn’t do cheaters, but I did pretty much everyone else. All they had to do was ask. After a while, everyone knew. By senior year, I’d messed around with maybe one in five kids in my entire school, boys and girls in grades nine on up, and the school enrollment was eighteen hundred. That was on top of everyone in the ATW pool, so to speak. I had to stop carving notches in my bedposts before I was left with a dolly’s cradle.”

Meilin giggled, then sighed again and held her for a while, stroking her hair in the darkness as the city twinkled in its sleep below them. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kaeleigh said.

“I mean … I’m in love with you.”

Kaeleigh had to pause to get her breath restarted, and remind her heart to keep beating. “I am too,” she whispered. “I’m in love with you too, Meilin.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

“Even though I…”

“Yes. I’m in love with you too.”

They were both quiet for a while, letting those words, those whispers, take hold in their hearts.

“I needed you to know. About the boys I fucked, the relationships I … helped break up, the … the risks I took with … with transgressing boundaries. I needed you to know I did all that before I told you how I felt.”

Kaeleigh felt herself pierced through by an icy shard of guilt. Meilin was being honest; beyond honest, she was being completely trusting. She’d bared herself, exposed her innermost being, just so Kaeleigh would see her clearly and understand her. She wanted to do the same. She needed to. She had to. She couldn’t hold it back any more. “Remember when you said if I was your sister, you’d still do me?”

Meilin chuckled. “Yeah, well, speaking for myself, I really would roll you no matter what, and it’s got nothing to do with hypersexuality. I adore you, and I’ve always thought the whole idea of forbidden love was backward. Gay, trans, even incest. As long as whoever’s involved is where they want to be, it’s really no one’s business at all.”

Kaeleigh swallowed on her dry throat. “I’m really glad you said that. Because … my brother … you didn’t ask me his name.”

“Oh yeah. What is it?”

“Luke.”

Meilin was quiet for several moments while all of Kaeleigh’s universe waited to learn if it would continue existing. “I’m … guessing that’s not a coincidence.”

“No. It’s … Luke. He’s not my husband. He’s my brother. Not by adoption. Not my stepbrother. Full-blood. We have the same mom and dad.”

“Do you love him?” She shook her head. “Forget I asked that. It’s an idiotic question. What I meant to ask was … I’m not sure how to say this without making it sound like I think he’s a creep, because I know him, and I don’t think he is, but…”

“I started it,” Kaeleigh said. “He didn’t make me. I made the first move.”

Meilin’s relief was palpable. “So it’s … mutual.”

“It always has been. We’ve been … together for going on five years now.”

“Okay. Wow. No wonder you don’t want to do a scene with him.”

“Yeah. If anyone we knew from home saw it…”

“Shitstorm of the century,” Meilin nodded. She leaned back a little to study Kaeleigh’s face. “Does anyone else know?”

“Marta. She figured it out right away. She was visiting our house and saw us having sex, and … she said we look alike when we come.”

“You do,” Meilin said, “but that’s … I just figured it was because of how you felt about each other.”

“She said most people would think that. I guess she’s … known a few other people like us, and … seen them together, so … she kinda knows what to look for.”

“Why did you tell me this? I wouldn’t have known.”

“Because … because I love you. I’m in love with you. And you told me something about yourself, and to me … it’s not a big problem, the stuff you did, but I know it’s huge to you. And … you wouldn’t have told me any of that if you didn’t want us to be honest. And I want us to be honest. I had to tell you. If you’re … if we’re going to be deep together, I can’t keep a secret that big from you. I just can’t. I’ve had to do it before, and it’s hell. And you need to know you’re talking to the kind of girl who fucks her own brother.”

“I don’t know what kind of girl that is. A hillbilly? A stereotype? I know you’re not that. I’ve seen what happens to couples like you and Luke when they’re found out. And I think it’s brutal and cruel.” She brushed Kaeleigh’s hair back. “I know what kind of girl you are. Passionate, and sweet, and sexual, and loving. That’s the girl I fell in love with, and I can’t possibly blame Luke for feeling something like what I do, and I damn sure can’t blame you for jumping his bones, because believe me, honey, the hotness gene is in both of you.”

“You … we’re … okay?” Kaeleigh knew the answer already, but she still needed to hear it, and Meilin understood. Of course she did.

“Yes.” She kissed her. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine how much trust you must have in me, but I intend to live up to it. I’m still your lover.”

Okay, Kaeleigh thought. Now I can breathe again. “Thank you.”

“And now I have a better idea why you’re so well-adjusted about other people’s sexual … uh … I’m not trying to say I think you’re—”

Kaeleigh pressed her fingertip against Meilin’s lips. “Luke and I call each other perverts and deviants all the time. Usually right before we get down, and we always mean it as a joke. There’s probably a psychological term for it.”

Meilin nodded. “Defusing. Through humor.”

“I knew it. I know most people would say we’re deviants. We don’t think we are. We don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. And … yeah, I guess that changes how I see it when I know my lover fucked a fourteen-year-old boy when she was eighteen. There’s a lot of stuff out there that’s a really big deal, a lot of stuff people do that they never should, like rape, or murder. But having sex with a boy you think is hot, because you and he both want to do it, is not the same thing. At all.”

Meilin sighed. “I knew you were different. I knew you were someone special. I’ve never had the backbone to talk to anyone else about any of that. I never felt like I could trust anyone with it, and I … I never felt like I needed to share it more than I did with you.”

“And I needed you to know, too. When Marta and I talked about Luke and me, she said she was acting as a minister. Well, I’m not ordained, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s the same deal. No one’s gonna hear about it from me.”

“Me too,” Meilin said.

“Thank you.”

“Thanks for hearing me out. I probably don’t really need to tie myself up in knots about it. It probably really isn’t that big of a deal, to most people. But I just…” She shook her head.

“I get it. People get weird about sex, even if they’ve been doing it a while. People confuse sex with love, they confuse sex with property, they confuse sex with sin or evil, and they even … they just put so much weight on it all, like … like virginity. It doesn’t mean the same to girls as it does to boys. We’re supposed to keep it. They’re supposed to get rid of it as soon as they figure out what their boner is for. Virginity shouldn’t be a big deal to anyone unless they want it to be. But losing it is, and even I get that.”

“Yeah, I do, too. There’s a lot of change to process, and first-time sex is never what you think it’s going to be.”

“For sure. I learned that myself in the best way possible at the orgy, but even then, I didn’t expect all the ways I got made different by it, so I knew it could be a big deal. But even still, a few months later, I just … I had sex with a boy, for no reason at all, just because I felt like it and I thought he needed a lay. He had a girlfriend who wouldn’t suck him off because he was uncut, and she thought his foreskin was too weird, and I was like you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, so I took care of him. I blew him and fucked him, and I was the first girl that ever did either of those things with him. And I felt bad for a while, because I kinda … pushed it a little with him, I kinda had to work a little to talk him into it. But Luke … he kept telling me not to worry. He said I’d made that kid’s day, month, year, and life by doing that. And … well, I’ve popped a couple boys’ cherries since then, and I think he might be right.”

Meilin was quiet for a while. “He definitely might be right. Was this by any chance something that happened, oh, about five years ago? At a Disney resort in Florida? A boy by the name of Bryant, skinny and blonde and a wizard with his tongue?”

Kaeleigh sat back, startled. “How the fuck did you know that?”

Meilin started chuckling. “Small fucking world. That kid I told you about? The fourteen-year-old I was doing? That’s him.”

“No way.”

“Oh yeah. He told me about that night, and he even told me your name, but I didn’t make the connection. I guess I was thinking of someone called Kaylee, as in the character from Firefly.”

“He told you about what happened?”

“He sure did, and he was grinning like a jack-o’-lantern the whole time.”

“Well … well, what’d he say?”

“He said he was feeling pretty beaten down right about then, and was even thinking of asking his folks to get surgery to remove his foreskin, and then you came along and turned his life around for him. Soon as he got back home he was in the game and fucking his way happily across the landscape. He’s still quite intact and uncut, by the way.”

Kaeleigh was gaping at her. “Ho … lee … shit.”

“I know!” Meilin laughed. “Wait’ll I tell him I met you. He’ll lose his shit.”

“I am right now. Oh my God, you really know Bryant? And you really fucked him?”

“Repeatedly,” Meilin nodded, grinning. “Just don’t ever tell the cops.”

“And he’s … good at it?”

“Oh yeah. Why do you think I came back for more?”

“And he … he doesn’t hate me or anything, for…”

“For sucking his dick at the very minute he needed it the most? Kaeleigh, just how many guys have you blown?”

“Uh, well, hundreds.”

“And how many of them have said it was the worst thing that ever happened to them?”

Kaeleigh giggled.

“Right. He loved you for what you did for him. He still does. He got confidence from that, he got hooked up with the game, and he got laid, which is what every boy that age wants more than anything. Believe me, I know. Just a lot of them don’t know how to make it happen, or don’t think they can admit it.”

“Awesome,” Kaeleigh said. “Wait’ll I tell Luke. He’ll freak out of his shorts.”

“For all we know, he’s not wearing any.”

“Well, he’ll put some on, and then he’ll freak out of them.” She kissed Meilin, delighted. “That’s so cool!”

Meilin was grinning with her. “See? You’re okay. You done did good, girl.”

“Well … so are you, you know.”

“I haven’t been,” Meilin said. “But … maybe now, maybe from now on, I will be.”