Date: Thu, 2 Jun 2005 02:09:06 EDT From: RitchChristopher@cs.com Subject: as-i-remember-him-11 All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "AS I REMEMBER HIM" A story by Ritch Christopher * * * * * Chapter Eleven Much to his disappointment, dislike, and dismay, Thad drove David back to his own apartment to wait for Randy to pick David up and take him to spend the night at Randy's ostentatious digs. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Thad had redecorated his apartment to the tune of several thousand dollars on a more than rapid timetable just to impress David. But with David now going to Randy's, Thad felt as if he had spent his money on a hopeful folly which now appeared to be futile. As soon as they reached Thad's, David noticed that Randy was already there waiting for him in his expensive sports-car. Thad suddenly had a almost-overwhelming urge to ram his dilapidated Chevrolet into the side of Randy's hundred-thousand-dollar foreign sports car, but he knew it would take the remainder of his savings account just to have it repaired...But, then again, just the goddamn satisfaction might be worth it! Randy was leaning up against his fancy 'wagon' as David got out of Thad's car. "Hey, big guy!" Randy said, giving David a million-dollar smile. "You look a bit bushed. Long evening on the dinner train?" "Not really. Actually, it was kinda fun," David replied, smiling at Thad. "You'll find out all about it in the morning." "Perish the thought. I've never seen three-thirty A.M. from the other side. I'm quite often awake at that time of the night, but I can't remember ever arising at that hour of the morning." "Then it'll be something new for you to experience. I thought there was nothing new to be experienced in your life." "There weren't many things until I met you." "Good evening, Randy," Thad said, interrupting loudly on purpose. "Good evening, Detective. Long time, no see..." "I guess maybe I'm just lucky sometimes," Thad replied with obvious sarcasm, then added. "David, would you and Randy care to come upstairs for a drink before you go?" "I don't know.." David said. "How about it, Randy? Do you have time for a drink?" "The rest of my evening belongs to you, David, to whatever you want to do. If you'd like a drink, I'd be happy to have one with you." "Okay. Thanks, Thad. I'd like Randy to see what you've done to your apartment." The trio walked into Thad's apartment building and up the stairs as Thad and Randy continued to banter like two old hens sitting under dryers at a beauty parlor. A slight surge of competition for David's attention became apparent. "Thad, don't tell me that you put new contact paper in the kitchen!" Randy joked. "Yes, asshole, and I would have put colored toilet paper in the bathroom if I had known you were going to come by." "Thad, you should always be prepared. You never know who will drop by in the middle of the night looking for a policeman," Randy quipped. "I seem to recall that your handcuffs came in handy one night that you and I spent together." "Yes, and to this day, I've always been sorry I didn't lose the key to the fuckin' cuffs." "But, Thad, I'd have had to change my name to Rapunzel if you had kept me locked to the bed in your tower." "Shit! I heard you DID change it but it wasn't to 'Rapunzel'. I thought you changed it to Sydney." "Sydney? Why for God's sake." "Sydney Biddle Barrows," Thad replied wryly. "The Mayflower Madam? Very funny, Thad. I'm amazed that you've developed a sense of humor since last we met." "I didn't need one back then. You were a barrel of laughs...enough for both of us!" "Well, are we going to stand here in the hall for you to put the key in the door or can you open it with magic words like 'open sushi'?" Thad was somewhat reluctant to open the door. He was proud of his new furnishings and the last thing he needed was Randy to assault his pride and joy with 'faggoty' criticism. "Did you forget the combination for the lock?" Randy joked. Thad turned to look at Randy with vehemence flashing from his eyes. Randy realized he had gone too far, said too much, as Thad's look almost made Randy tremble and he quickly added, "Sorry, Thad, I...I made a bad joke. I'll keep my sordid humor to myself." "That would be a nice change, a relief for the rest of us in the world." David had spent one night with Thad and one night with Randy and had had conversation with each about the other. Neither had really said anything harsh or detrimental concerning the other. There had been no denotation of hatred between the two...some dislike perhaps, as Thad was still carrying a grudge based on his interpretation of why Randy had left Mark. Therefore, David couldn't understand the sudden verbal battle filled with the insults each was casting at the other. It never occurred to David that he was the cause of this contentious rage. Finally Thad opened the door, turned on the lights, and David and Randy followed him inside. Randy got no further than the door as he stood there stunned and speechless, looking at the drastic change in what had once been a candidate for condemned housing. He was awestruck, aghast, and amazed. "My God in heaven, Thad," Randy exclaimed. "I can't believe what I'm seeing." "I don't need your patronizing condescension, Randy!" Thad said with a warning. "I telling you the honest truth, Thad. It's beautiful! I really mean it!" Thad played detective for a minute to see if Randy was being serious or merely baiting him. After carefully examining Randy's expression and the look in his eyes, Thad suddenly realized that Randy was being honest and truthful. "Very frankly, Randy, I didn't think it would meet with your approval. I thought you were lying to me." "The color scheme! The furniture! Every item seems to complement the others. Seriously, I've got to know who your decorator is! He's fantastic! You should be proud as punch. I don't know how you could afford all this on a policeman's salary, but it looks like a million bucks!" "Thad, I get the idea that Randy likes your place," David said...more than relieved to sense that the tension between Thad and Randy had now subsided. "Like it? I love it!" Randy added. "Come on, let me see the rest of it! I want to see the bedroom and the kitchen." Almost instantly, Thad became like a child at Christmas showing off his first bicycle. Never in his life had he owned anything which he could display without being ashamed. He was enthused, he was pleased that he was able to impress Randy, of all people...Randy who had all the money in the world and the best looks of anyone, model or Hollywood star...Randy, whom Thad had hated for over a year...Randy, with whom he had slept one night, ending in disaster...Randy was impressed by something which didn't belong to him personally. Thad grabbed Randy by the hand, leaving David standing in the living room as if he wasn't even there, and took Randy into the bedroom for the grand tour. While Tim had been busy with the redecorating, Thad had imagined hearing David, 'ooh' and 'ahh' with restraint over the transformation, but Thad could never believe that it would be Randy 'oohing' and 'ahhing' with such abandon. Whatever hatred or jealousy had passed between them earlier had suddenly disappeared. Thad and Randy seemed to have bonded anew! Even David became amused as he stood alone in the living room, listening to Thad and Randy making plans to have dinner at each other's apartment next week. Randy was insisting that he buy something new for Thad in the way of a housewarming gift. Thad said he would accept it only if Randy would accept a gift from him in return. The sudden mood-swing and attitude change between Thad and Randy gave David insight into another aspect of gay life he hadn't seen until now. Rivals one minute and best friends the next! David couldn't recall seeing opposing demeanors ever switching so fast in the straight world. He smiled and thought, 'Too bad the leaders of the world aren't gay. Wars could be avoided and conflicts resolved by swapping household tips or recipes'. David became content to sit on the new sofa while the two 'new' friends explored the modified kitchen, preparing a pitcher of margaritas which they brought on a tray into the living room. Believe it or not, David had never tasted a margarita. He had seen them served in movies or on TV, but had never observed that there was salt on the rim of each glass. God! What kind of sheltered life had he led in River Oaks? Besides a bottle of cooking sherry in his mother's kitchen cupboard, David couldn't remember seeing any alcohol---or even beer, for that matter---in his parents' house. At college when he and some of his fraternity brothers went to a bar after a game, only beer was ordered. David had really never ordered a mixed drink before coming to Atlanta. Randy poured three drinks into the glasses and Thad toasted with a simple, "Cheers" and David tasted his first margarita. It was sweet and 'citrusy' with lime...cold and delicious. The mood in the room was festive and this was the happiest David had been in three days. He swore to himself, privately, that he would drink no more than two drinks because, if he consumed three of these volatile concoctions, he might find himself in bed sandwiched between two gay men...Perry Mason and Richie Rich! One hour and just one drink later, David, Thad, and Randy went downstairs to Thad's car to get David's old suitcase and the new one Randy had given him and David transferred them to Randy's car to go to Randy's to spend the night. While he was doing this, David heard Randy and Thad making plans to have dinner Saturday night at Randy's. It was satisfying to David to think how things had a way of working out for the better in spite of the tragic circumstances which brought the three together. David and Thad still hadn't set a time or date for Mark and Alex's memorial service, but David said he would discuss it with Chris in the morning when he and Randy went to the church to prepare breakfast for the morning meal run. Thad told David that whatever time he chose would be all right with him. David promised to call Thad as soon as the matter was settled. When David and Randy drove away from Thad's, Thad became aware that he was no longer aware of being jealous of Randy spending time with David. The newly 'struck-up' relationship between Randy and Thad had been enough to abate Thad's loneliness and had given him something to look forward to. The love/hate relationship between him and Randy suddenly had become hopeful and promising. It was as if Thad had been reborn or that his youth had been revitalized. He felt almost like a teenager going to his first prom. He only hoped that Randy felt the same way...or at least MOSTLY the same way...and, though Thad couldn't know it, Randy did. Randy hadn't found himself in a relationship since Mark. He was happy to find that Dirty Harry had changed into Prince Charming---and a stud, at that!! <><><><><><><> Chris and Andy lay still in the dark on Mark's bed. If thoughts had been audible, the entire room would have been a nightmarish cacophony. The two lovers had been so emotionally high while having sex that coming back down to reality was as great as detoxing from some euphoric narcotic. Chris had broken a sacred vow and Andy was in a state of puzzled delight. Where would they go from here? What was to happen next? Chris, who just an hour ago, was innocent of that of which he had been accused by Father 'D' and Mr. and Mrs. Thompson!!! But now, all that had changed. Chris had not molested a minor. After all, Andy, being eighteen, was old enough to vote, to join the Army, though not legal to drink in many states, but free to make his mind up whether or not to have sex with a male or female. No penal law had been broken, but Chris had violated a moral law of the Church and his vocation. Did Chris' desire, his sexual lust, outweigh his love, his duty and obligation to Jesus Christ? In the teachings of the church and in the eyes of God, Chris had committed a moral sin. Now he must decide what to do! He would have to confess his actions to Father 'D' in his weekly confession and that would be grounds for his termination as a priest at St. Thaddeus, or at any other Catholic sanctuary. When asked by Andy, Chris has said that maybe he loved Andy, but was this possible? Had he felt love for Andy before they had sex or was he just caught up in the moment of ecstatic bliss that comes with the moment of orgasm? The sex was an affirmation to Andy of how much he loved Chris and suddenly he was filled with hope that at long last, that Chris' feelings for him was reflective of his own and he was ready to chuck school, the Church, and even his parents, if necessary, to have a life with Chris. No doubt about it, the two found themselves in the middle of what seemed a hopeless dilemma. "Chris?" Andy whispered. "Yes?" "Where do we go from here? What's gonna happen next?" "I...I don't know, Andy. I can't explain what just happened. I should have had more control over my emotions than to get carried away as I did." "Are you saying that you're sorry that we made love?" In the dark, the tear in his eye was still unheard in his voice. "I guess I'm trying to say that I'm sorry that things happened as they did. It's obvious that we shared a mutual feeling and that we desired to express it physically, but...but....I'm not belittling you by saying that I'm an adult though I'm eight years older than you. I swore, before God, never to have sex for the rest of my life...and by not being able to control myself, I've gotten both of us into a lot of trouble." "Do you think God will punish you?" "Not directly...I mean God won't come down from heaven and strike me dead or blind or render a physical punishment on me personally. The Church will have to find out about it and they'll decide what should happen to me. Being blunt, I'll probably lose my position as a priest." "I...I don't want that to happen, Chris. You'd have to start a new life. What about other priests who have sex with men or women? Does the Church kick all of them out as well?" "Well, no. If they did ,then half of the priests in the country would be thrown out. The last report I read said that something like forty-eight percent of all priests were gay." "You mean they had gay tendencies or that they actually had gay sex?" "I think the article implied that they were sexually active. A lot depends on how liberal their immediate supervisors feel about sexuality. The Church recently lost nearly twenty-five percent of it's priests because the priests opted to get married or to engage in some kind of sex, like laymen do" "That's why Pope John-Paul, the second, wasn't too popular in the United States, isn't it?" "That was one of the reasons. He viewed gay sex as a contributor to moral decay in the Church. While other denominations such as the Anglicans, Episcopalians, the Jews, and all protestants allow their clergy to marry, the Vatican forbid all priests to have a partner of any kind...married, gay, or straight." "You...you just stepped over a serious line, didn't you?" Andy's tone showed his concern about Chris and his future. "Yes, Andy, and now I see I've got to make a life-changing decision. I could ask for forgiveness and probably would have to pay a tremendous penance for what I did, but I'm asking myself how long would it be until I found myself wanting to sin again." "Do you personally look upon what we just did as a sin?" "As a man, no...but as a priest, I'm obliged to say yes." "But would you HAVE to confess it to Father 'D'? I mean, couldn't you just keep it between yourself and God? Why does Father 'D' have to know? Why is he your judge and jury?" "That's just the way things are in the Church..." "Chris, you said that maybe you loved men..." "Yes, I did." "Did you mean it?" "I must have...I said it to you..." "Then are you trying to take it back?" "I...I don't know. There will be serious repercussions if I don't take it back. There's still the matter of what you wrote in your diary." "Oh, shit! I forgot all about that! I...I could tell the truth to my parents and tell them that I made it all up. That wouldn't be lying. That would be the truth." "Yes, but if we ever saw each other again, your parents and Father 'D' wouldn't believe you made it up. We'd have to never see each other again unless we were in a crowd of people. We could never find ourselves in a situation like...where the two of us are alone together." "Couldn't we see each other privately when I come to you at confession every week?" "You mean, have a tête-à-tête once a week inside the confessional booth?" "Why not?" "Andy, that would be a sin. It would break every precept of the church and make me guilty of many mortal sins." "So, Chris, what should we do?" "First of all, I think I should take you home so that your parents know where you are and relieve their minds by knowing you're all right. Then, if you want to tell them that the entries in your diary were fiction, that would ease the situation for the time being. Hopefully, Todd and Marcia would relay this to Father 'D' and that would get him off my back for the time being." "I...I'll do it. Then what?" "Then we'll have to take some time for things to cool off. I mean, no one outside your parents and Father 'D' know about this. Well, that's not exactly true. Thad and David know about the diary and you told Steve why you did what you did to wind up in the hospital, but I don't think any of the three will divulge the secret. No one knows what we just did here in Mark's room. Only you and I know...and no one else is to ever know!" "I swear I won't tell a soul." "Then let's see if you're a good actor. Straighten your clothes and we'll straighten up Mark's bed and let's go out to say good night to Steve, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened...just that you and I had a nice private chat and I had convinced you to go home to see your parents. Don't give Steve any reason to think anything happened between us!" "Okay...but just one thing...?" "What's that?" "Would you kiss me once more?" "I know I shouldn't, but something inside me wants it just as bad as you do." Chris leaned over and their lips met as before, tenderly, then passionately. Again, Andy whispered, "God knows I DO love you, Chris." Chris replied, "God help me, but I love you, too, my dear little Andy." Silently, the two got dressed, remade the bed, made sure the room looked decent, turned on the lights, and went back into Steve's living room. Steve was still in his room or if he had slipped out to eavesdrop outside Mark's door, Steve kept it to himself. Chris or Andy would never know if Steve had heard their lovemaking or not. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> "So who exactly is this guy coming down to see you tomorrow from Virginia?" Randy asked after he and David arrived at his apartment. "His name is Luke Sparks. I only knew him as a friend of Mark's. I don't remember ever talking to him much. I just didn't know how close he and Mark really were," David replied. "He was the one that caused Mark to make a quick exit down here to Atlanta?" "Well, in a manner of speaking. It was my dad who threw Mark out of our house after he caught Mark and Luke in bed together." "You dad...conservative, through and through?" "With a giant capital 'C'!" "You know, Mark still loved your dad in spite of the havoc." "Then if you didn't know who Luke was, apparently Mark never talked about him. You don't know, I suppose, whether Mark ever received a letter or phone call from Luke, do you?" "Never heard his name, David, before YOU mentioned it." "I never did find out how Luke's parents reacted after my dad spread the news to them about their two sons." "Luke must have been an alright person for Mark to risk going to bed with him in his own bedroom." "As I remember Luke, he was very much like Mark...nice looking kid, a bit more muscular than Mark, though. The few times I saw him, he was always very polite...always said 'sir' to my dad and 'ma'am' to my mother. He must have been 'brainier' than Mark because Mark was always asking him to help him with his homework. Of course, looking back in retrospect, Mark's homework might have been just a cover so that they could spend more private time together." "Look, David, when we go to pick him up at the airport tomorrow, in case he hasn't made a hotel reservation, why not ask him to stay here with you and me? I mean, we all three have 'Mark' in common." "That's very nice of you, Randy. I don't know if Luke is enrolled in college or what his financial situation is, but staying here for a couple of days would be a help to anyone's wallet." "Then if it's OK with Luke, it's more than OK with me." "Thanks, Randy. Not only are you rich, but you have an abundance of Southern hospitality." "You talk as though Virginia's part of the North. You're as polite and cordial as anyone I'd ever want to meet. I mean, you pitching in to help Father Chris with his meal route shows me what kind of person you are." "You might change your mind when the alarm goes off VERY early in the morning," Chris said with a broad grin. "Oh, shit! I almost forgot...or maybe I was trying to forget. Now tell me what I'm supposed to do to help Father Chris?" "By the time we get to the Church, he'll have yours and my assignments ready. Just follow his instructions and keep busy. We have a lot to do before we even load up the van...maybe scramble a hundred or so eggs, butter a couple or three hundred slices of toast, cook up ten pounds of bacon. It's like preparing breakfast for a lot of guests, multiplied by ten." "What do you think Father Chris is going to do for help when you go back to Virginia?" "I don't know...of course, YOU'RE not going back to Virginia..." "Don't volunteer my services just yet. I don't know if I can acclimate myself to become an early riser on a regular basis." "You might be surprised after you look into the eyes of those who depend on Father Chris for their meals. It might give you a new purpose in life." "That remains to be seen." "Speaking of new purposes, you and Thad seemed to hit it off at his apartment." "You noticed, huh? I...I've always liked Thad, but, after Mark turned me away, Thad became like everyone else and began to resent or hate me." "I think you should tell him the whole story of why you stopped coming by to see Mark. He might like you even more." "Whoo, boy! You're supposed to be straight, so why are you suddenly becoming Dolly Levi, the matchmaker?" "Don't forget, I slept with both of you. I just think you two would make a nice couple." "You and he didn't have sex the way you and I did, did you?" "Why don't you ask Thad after I've gone home to Virginia?" "Aha! A mystery is about to unfold..." "You sound as if you're jealous to think Thad and I might have done something." "Not really. I've slept with Thad and I've never forgotten how big he is in the... 'man' department...also, what an aggressive lover he can be when he's turned on!" "You know what? It's getting pretty late and if we're gonna get any sleep before we go help Chris, I think we'd better turn in." "I know you're right. You know where the guest room is, even though you didn't use it last night since you fell asleep on the sofa...Of course, I have a huge king-size bed in my bedroom in case you don't want to be alone...?" "No way, José. I've got to get my sleep, too...and if I'm within arm's reach of you, you won't sleep a wink." "You got that right!" "Come on, I'll carry one of your bags and turn the covers down for you." "Thanks." "I really hope you'll throw away every piece of your own clothing and wear the things I gave you." "I'll see...that's all I can say." They both grabbed a suitcase each and took them down the hall to the guest room. David went into the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth while Randy got David's bed ready. David came back into the bedroom and Randy was standing beside the bed. Without hesitation, Randy put his arms around David and hugged him. David showed no sign of resistance and slowly his arms encircled Randy's back to complete their embrace. "I'm gonna miss you, David, when you go home." "I'll miss you, too, Randy. The more I get to know you, the more I see how Mark must've loved you. If...if I were gay..." "Ssh, don't say it! You might encourage disaster before I leave this room. I know you're straight but it confuses the hell out of me since you look so much like Mark, I just naturally expect you to respond to me the way he did." "Are you asking me to kiss you?" "I'd never ask that, David." "What if it's I who wants to kiss you?" "Then all things considered, I'd promise to behave like a gentleman." "Good!" David leaned forward and pressed his lips to Randy's. Randy was more confused because David's kiss was more than just 'friendly' or like a quick 'good night kiss' on the doorstep when a boy brings his date home for the first time. David's kiss had warmth, passion, especially when Randy felt David's tongue trying to pry his lips apart. It was Randy, not David who stopped things from going too far. He stepped back to unlock the kiss and the embrace, which left David a bit embarrassed since he had risked showing passion only to please Randy. "I think I'd better go to my room," Randy said as he walked out of the bedroom without so much as looking back to catch a glimpse of David's expression. Randy walked through his own bedroom and straight to the bathroom to take a cold shower and jerk off the erection which David had just given him. David closed his door and locked it. He took a quick shower and shave, then walked back to the bed still naked. At home or at college, even when he was alone, David had always worn pajamas or at least his underwear to bed. Tonight, he felt different... more adventurous and daring. No one was around and he decided to sleep in the nude which he found exciting and stimulating. As soon as the top and bottom satin sheets touched him, they felt erotic to him and he, again, sprang an erection. He hadn't masturbated in several days. He had reached a climax from Randy's oral sex on him the day before. But now he was alone with his thoughts and fantasies. He was free to think about having sex with Jenny or perhaps, Nicole Kidman or Catherine Zeta-Jones as he reached to take his prod in hand. 'Dear God, how good it feels to jerk off!' David thought. He suddenly remembered he had to have something to catch his warm spurts to avoid messing the sheets. He looked over at the nearest night stand only to discover that Randy thought of everything. On the table was a brass box which encased a container of 'Wet Ones' and so he continued to pleasure himself without missing a beat. David closed his eyes and tried to imagine Jenny beside him in the luxurious bed, but suddenly he found his hard-on going limp His mind began reliving yesterday afternoon's treat when Randy had gone down on him. Almost instantly, his sexual prowess was restored and all thoughts of Jenny were replaced with thoughts about Randy...and also of Thad. He didn't care, as this didn't seem to bother him. If it took fantasies about Randy and Thad to get him off, then so be it! Masturbation hadn't been this exciting since he was a teenager and nothing could stop him now! Had there been a sky-view cam above Randy's apartment, it would have recorded Randy and David's orgasms reaching their peaks simultaneously in two separate bedrooms. They were both relaxed now and fell asleep almost instantly to await the sound of an alarm clock four hours from now. <><><><><><><><><><><> Todd and Marcia were beside themselves with excitement and relief when Andy walked through the door. However, both looked oddly askance when they saw it was Father Chris who had brought him home. They wondered if Andy had been with Chris the whole time he'd been missing...or whether Chris had known of Andy's whereabouts when they had the conversation in Father 'D's office. Had Chris hidden their son? Remembering all the explicit things Andy had written in his diary accounting various sexual acts Andy and Chris had apparently performed together, part of the joy of the reunion was clouded with suspicious speculation. Todd stepped forward to thank Chris, hoping that Chris would take that as a hint and leave so that he and Marcia could have some privacy with Andy and perhaps pry a few answers from him. Even though Andy was eighteen, his parents might still need to call the police to report a kidnapping or, even worse, sexual assault charges against Chris. Actually, Chris was more than glad to leave, since, for the first time, he did feel uncomfortable being around the Thompson's. Hopefully, Andy would not mention his introduction to gay sex into which he had entered only two hours ago. Andy had sworn to Chris that no one would ever know, considering how Chris' position at the Church would be jeopardized, not to mention the scandal that both of them would endure, not only at the church, but in the community as well. Marcia still had her arms around Andy, smothering him with maternal kisses as Chris left to go back to St. Thaddeus'. Chris knew that David and Randy would be meeting him around 3:30 AM and he could get a head start if he returned to the church's kitchen. "Andy, are you sure you're all right?" Marcia had asked, at least a dozen times. "Mom, I'm fine," Andy said, while trying to peel her arms from around his neck. "I am tired and I would really like to go to bed." "I know you are, honey! Have you eaten? Can I fix you anything...some soup? A roast beef sandwich? A glass of milk?" "Mom, please! I...Before I go to my room, could I ask you and Dad to sit down for a few minutes." "Certainly, son," Todd said as he took his wife's hand and led her to the couch to sit. "I have so much to say...and I...I know I won't get it all said tonight, but there are a few things I want you to know." "Andy, tell us as much as you like..." "My...my diary..." Andy said, dropping his head, a bit ashamed. "Chris...FATHER Chris told me about the meeting at the church where you let Father 'D' read what I had written." Andy's shaky voice became stronger as he mustered up more courage. "First of all, I don't like the idea of your reading it. I wrote my private...and I stress, PRIVATE, thoughts on paper. I wish now I'd never done it. But, I'm eighteen years old...no longer a child! Legally, although I'm a senior in high school, I'm still a man." "Son, we're sorry!" Todd said, "We were trying to find a clue as to your whereabouts." "And you didn't find anything in my diary to find me, did you? But you did find out some things about me that you didn't know. The thing is...you STILL don't know, because nothing in my diary ever happened...in real life, anyway. In my mind, they WERE real and DID happen the way I wanted them to..." "Then why did you write them, Andy?" "You've heard about kids who grow up with make-believe friends who don't exist except in the kids' minds? The image I portrayed of Father Chris in my diary was all make-believe. Chris was my make-believe friend and I could make him be, or do, anything I wanted. Chris...FATHER Chris had no idea of what I had written. He was as much in the dark as both of you were...or are...but, since you both took it upon yourselves to invade my private thoughts and had the audacity to share them with Father 'D'...Don't you see what you've done? You've practically gotten Father Chris fired...who knows?...maybe even excommunicated...because of things I had made up and now Father Chris' and my worlds are suddenly turned upside down!" "But, son, you described everything with such intimate detail. How could we NOT believe there wasn't some truth to it? The first thing is that you implied that you are gay. Is that true?" "Before tonight, I didn't know if I would ever tell you, but, love me or hate me, yes, I am gay." "Well, if you didn't do those things with Father Chris, has there ever been anyone else in your life?" "No, Dad. That's why I made up what I did. There was no one in my life...NEVER has been! You're fully aware that I've never asked to borrow the car to go on a date because I've never been on a date. The night that I took all of Mom's pills, I realized that I had never kissed anyone...never held someone's hand, never held anyone in my arms, and certainly never had any kind of experience which even resembled sex. I felt as if I was the only eighteen-year-old virgin in the world." "Andy, maybe your mother and I have never discussed these matters with you before...and that's our fault. We have talked about the possibility of you being gay when you weren't around and, you wanna know something? It didn't bother either of us. We're a Catholic family and raised you as a good Catholic, but we also are liberal Democrats, and we disagree with the Vatican about many things. 'Being gay' is one of them. Sure, the old school says that being gay is a phase or a temptation, but anyone who reads the news or watches TV can see that it's a trait you're born with, not one you acquire during puberty. I would hate it if someone tried to force me to become gay. I couldn't do it because of my genes. So why should the Church, society, or anyone try to change a homosexual into a heterosexual? That could lead to all kinds of depression, traumatic experiences, or even suicide. Being very frank, that's the first thing I thought of, night before last. Maybe you were gay and took an overdose to keep from facing reality or trying to make your mother and me accept who you are." "Then you don't mind? You're not ashamed?" "Good heavens, no! I wouldn't care if you were a transvestite or wanted a sex-change operation if that's what it took to keep you alive and part of our family." "I...I don't know what to say...I hardly know what to believe." "Andy, I'm relieved that none of the entries in your diary are true because if you HAD fallen in love with Father Chris or ANY priest, you couldn't possibly have made your situation more difficult. That's what made it so strange and mysterious to us. It was impossible to believe that you could have done any of those things with a Catholic priest! There's no way that relationship could have ever worked out realistically." Andy thought back two hours ago when he was having the wildest sex imaginable with Chris and he almost laughed...but there was no way he could ever let anyone know what he and Chris had experienced together...and how wonderfully fantastic it had been. "I...I guess that's all I wanted to tell you for now. I...I DO feel much better...and tomorrow, the three of us need to go see Father 'D' and let him know that Father Chris is innocent of any part of my sordid fantasies." "My God," Todd said, "I feel so ashamed of the way I treated Father Chris when he brought you home a few minutes ago. He must've felt I was trying to convict him twice in the same day. Dear God, I've got to make it up to him somehow.! "Thanks, Dad. We ALL must do that." Andy walked over to the sofa and kissed each of his parents on the cheek and said good night. Then he went to his room. <><><><><><><><> Three-thirty AM came around early...REALLY early for Randy. He had to down three cups of Cuban coffee before he could keep his eyes open enough to focus. Getting up early with little sleep was not a difficult task for David as he was used to cramming all night for tests at an early morning class in college. To insure their safety, Randy let David drive his car to St. Thaddeus' to meet Chris. Chris' demeanor had changed mightily since David had seen him the night before. Primarily, Chris was relieved to have found Andy and returned him safe and sound back to his parents. Not knowing what had been discussed at Andy's house with Todd and Marcia, Chris still had the troublesome accusations hovering on his shoulders. He missed not having Jeff and Tommy to help him with the breakfast meal and run, but, mostly, he missed Andy, especially with all that had been said and all that they'd done when they were alone together last night in Mark's bedroom. Having sex with a real person for the first time in years had relaxed Chris and had reopened his eyes to the life he'd missed since becoming a priest. Granted, he had lots of sex before he took his vows, but, thinking back over all of his raunchy escapades, there had been no, or very few, feelings of love during those fun-filled nights. Had Chris ever been in love with a guy before?...a very YOUNG guy? The answer was 'no'. If there had ever been anyone in his past with whom he'd had had an emotional bond, he might have thought twice before entering the priesthood. When he got back to the church last night, he hadn't slept. He kept feeling he was on a giant teeter-totter atop the Washington Monument. Which or whom did he love more...his avowed vocation, his dedication to God and the Church...or Andy, a young, inexperienced high school boy, whose future in a gay relationship with him seemed hopeless of a future and almost sinful? He had lain in bed for three hours praying and meditating. Had he been 'caught up' in the momentary excitement, the gratification of physical lust or was he actually in love with Andy? If he was in love, where could it lead but only to disaster? The scandal, the idea of giving up his calling from God, the eight-year difference in their ages, the probability of Andy going off to college in the fall and maybe Andy's finding someone closer to his age and leaving Chris alone...without a career and without someone to love. This, indeed, was the most difficult decision Chris had ever made or would most likely EVER have to make. His mental anguish had caused him to commit another minor sin. Chris masturbated twice, thinking of Andy each time, and at the end of both climaxes, he was extremely perturbed at realizing he'd been thinking he loved Andy even more. Chris wanted terribly someone to confide in. He didn't know David well enough and, God knows, Father 'D' was totally out of the question. Thad was probably the only one who might understand and look objectively at both sides of Chris' dilemma. Chris hoped that, when David arrived with Randy, David would have kept secret from Randy anything he knew about the situation from the night before. But then, David had left with Thad from the church parking lot. David didn't know that Chris had returned to Steve's or that anything had happened there between Andy and him. As David and Randy entered the kitchen, ready to start the breakfast run, Chris tried to read their eyes and expressions. David appeared to be 'David' with no accusing looks. Randy looked as if he had been on a weekend drunk, still half asleep from arising so early. "The cavalry has arrived!" David said, cheerfully. "Yes, and I feel like Custer AFTER Little Big Horn," Randy said, trying to make a joke. "I'm so glad to see both of you and believe me when I say I'm grateful," Chris replied. "Just show us what to do!" David said. "Yeah, only please don't make me stir anything. The churning of scrambled eggs or gravy might make me dive head first into them." "How about buttering around two hundred pieces of toast?" Chris asked Randy. "How many days do I have to finish?" "I'd say around a half hour." "Oh, Jesus! Can I use a paint roller or spray gun filled with butter?" "No, but you might think of how to invent one. You might make a fortune with cafeterias and lunchrooms." "Who needs another fortune?" Randy said. "Why don't I call Denny's and order two hundred slices of buttered toast and have them delivered." "Randy, you said you would help," David said, jokingly to Randy. "If Chris served Denny's toast, his clients would expect it every morning. Are you going to pay for it on a daily basis from now on." "How expensive could a half dozen loaves of bread and three pounds of butter be?" "Not that much, but who's going to toast the bread and spread the butter?" "Some street person looking for work. Heck, I'd pay twenty-five bucks an hour." "Would you stop grumbling and get to 'buttering'?" David said. "Yes, 'Massa'. Is the butter made or do I have to churn it, like Ma Walton?" "It's in the big fridge over there," Chris replied. Looking as if he was in a stupor, Randy walked to the refrigerator and got the box of butter and placed it on the table with the bread. He opened one package of bread and started dealing slices on a metal sheet as if he was Las Vegas card dealer. He stopped and looked at Chris. "Father, do you know this bread is stale? In another six hours, it'll be growing mold...and this yellow stuff you call butter, I wouldn't donate this to the humane society to spread over dog biscuits!" "Randy, I'm afraid that's the best we can offer. We depend on donations from stores and restaurants who give us their leftovers." "Pardon my saying so, but this shit looks like something the Salvation Army threw out the back door. Even THEY wouldn't serve it!" "The people to whom we cater are very appreciative, no matter how old the food or how bad it must taste sometimes. They are just grateful to get a meal." "Jesus Christ! Why didn't I know about this? I can get you lots of food...FRESH food from many of my friends who own restaurants and food warehouses." "Randy, anything you can find for us would be most appreciated." "Hell, just wait until I get home and make a few phone calls. Starting tomorrow, the menu is going to change for the better for your meal clients." David was so pleased with Randy's enthusiasm, his eyes were filled with tears as were Chris' as they looked at one another. "Damn! You need new equipment, too!" Randy continued. "How about a new stove or two...some restaurant sized appliances? What's that but a few thousand bucks?" David gave Chris a 'knowing' smile and uttered, "Chris, the Lord DOES work in mysterious ways". Randy overheard David's remark and said, "I'm not sure if the Lord's middle name is Randy, but I'm gonna damned well see that you get whatever you need. Jesus! I had no idea that this was the kind of stuff you were bringing by for Mark or Steve to eat. Hell, no wonder Mark never gained any weight!" "When Georgia had to cut the budget for social services under the new administration in Washington, many things, such as food, were cut...as well as many of the medications Medicaid had been paying for." "They cut out food in Georgia to buy weapons to kill Iraqi insurgents?" "It wasn't only Georgia; all states had to make social service cuts." "I'd love to take a couple of loaves of this stale bread and ship them to the White House with a note saying, 'Here's your breakfast! Eat it and be happy' and see how long it would take for the President to make a few adjustments in his budget." "Randy, this is what we've been facing for the past four years and it seems to get worse every three months with more and more cuts." "Then I say it's time we get that asshole out of the White House." "I'm afraid it would take getting rid of a few hundred Congressmen as well." This part of the conversation had created a raging tirade in Randy. He was wide awake now and began buttering the toast three slices at a time. "God damn! Some of this white bread is darker than Pumpernickel. Maybe we should spread cream cheese and chives on it to make it look more appetizing!" Randy's grumbling continued until all the food and meals were prepared and they had it loaded into the van. For the next three hours, Randy received a complete education of how poorly indigents and AIDS patients are cared for. The hundreds of faces he saw, and the conditions in which they were trying to survive, opened Randy's eyes in a way in which he had never looked at the world. He was almost ashamed of his rich wardrobe, his sports car, his lavishedly furnished apartment. He was a bit reluctant when the first two or three clients tried to thank him for the meal by offering him a hug, but half an hour later, on the run, it was Randy who was giving the clients hugs. Several times he had to leave a client's room to wipe his eyes because he was so moved by what he had seen. The last stop on the route was Steve and Mark's apartment. Randy was reticent about seeing Steve as he knew Steve still blamed him for leaving Mark while he was so ill. But Randy felt it was time to make amends if it was at all possible. David and Randy followed Chris up the stairs and Chris knocked on Steve's door. Chris waited to hear Steve's usual sarcastic greeting, only this time, there was no reply. Chris knocked again and waited another minute. "Do you suppose he's all right?" David asked Chris, seeming quite concerned. "Maybe he took an extra pain pill for his condition and is sleeping soundly." "Wanna try the door? Maybe he left it unlocked..." David said. Chris turned the knob and the door opened. He entered the living room slowly and called out for Steve...Still no answer. Then Chris walked into Steve's bedroom, but Steve was not in the bed. However, the door to the bathroom was closed. David took it upon himself to go into the bathroom and invade Steve's privacy if necessary. That's when he saw Steve lying on the bathroom tiles. Steve's trousers were around his ankles, appearing as if he had falling off the commode in a heap. Beside Steve's mouth lay a pool of vomit. David knelt to touch Steve's shoulder and called his name, quietly. David could now see that Steve's eyes were open and fixed. Steve was dead. "Chris!" David called. "In here..." Chris hurried to the bathroom door to size up the situation. "Is he all right?" Chris asked. "He's dead, Chris..." "Oh, my God!" Chris said, putting a hand to his mouth. "What's wrong?" Randy asked, trying to get a look over Chris' shoulder. "OH, SHIT, NO!" Randy shouted. "Let me go call an ambulance." "It's too late, Randy," David said, through his tears. None of the three said a word for the next five minutes as they looked at Steve's body and exchanged glances with each other. <><><><><><><><><><> (To be CONCLUDED with Chapter Twelve of "As I Remember Him".)