Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 18:57:13 EDT From: RitchChristopher@cs.com Subject: as-i-remember-him-6 All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "AS I REMEMBER HIM" A story by Ritch Christopher * * * * * "And though I loved the boy for such a little while..." Portia Nelson, 1955. Chapter Six The kiss ended without a word or a glance as each avoided the other's eyes. Randy reached down to his ankles and pulled up his Speedo, turned and stepped out of the hot tub and walked into the bathroom where he took two large bath towels and brought them back to hand them to David. David raised his hand and took one of the towels, still not making eye contact with Randy. Slowly, David stood and raised his white bathing suit and reached for the side of the hot tub with his hand to give him support to get out. His legs were still weak from nerves following the incident which had just transpired between him and Randy. One leg gave way and he slipped, falling face-downward into the hot water. Randy immediately jumped in to help by grabbing one of David's arms and placing it around his own neck as a lifeguard would do in a deep pool. Awkwardly, the two hobbled out of the hot tub. The towel Randy had given David had dropped into the water when David fell, so Randy handed David the dry one. "Thanks," David uttered...the first word either of them had voiced. "Did you hurt yourself?" David paused and replied, "The fall didn't hurt me..." "But you're implying that I did...?" Randy replied, looking away from David. David didn't respond to Randy's remark. "David, if you want to get dressed, I'll drive you back to Thad's or wherever you want to go...I'll call you a cab and pay for it, if that would make you feel easier..." David stood silently with the towel in his hand. He hadn't started drying himself. He stared at the floor as if he was in a daze. "David...?" No response. "David...?" Still silent. "David, please say something..." "I...I hate myself...!" David uttered in a coarse monotone, almost robotic. "Perhaps it's ME you should hate...not yourself!" Randy replied, quietly. "I wish I could turn back the clock and forget this day...!" "I wish I could turn the clock back six months..." "Would that've made any difference...to Mark?" "Mark might still be alive if I had shown more fortitude. I...I curse myself for leaving him. His illness wasn't curable, but it was treatable. He could have lived for years." "I guess I'm as much to blame as you. I should have been here for him and I wasn't! I've asked myself a thousand times in the past two days, why the fuck didn't I make the effort to contact him or see him?" "Mark didn't want to see you any more than he wanted to see me. He didn't want to involve either one of us..." "But I didn't even make an attempt to get involved." "I did, several times, but he wouldn't see me...wouldn't take my phone calls, or even answer the door when I came by to see him." "From everything I've heard, you...you didn't try to see him...?" "That's a lie! He WOULDN'T see me." "What do you mean..." "If you'll sit down, I'll tell you the whole story...IF you want to hear it." "I need to know everything I can about my brother. He was living a life I knew nothing about...and I want to know..." "David, Mark was the love of my life! As I remember him before he became sick, we were the happiest couple on earth. I've never loved anyone as I did Mark...and never will. He was fun, He was caring, thoughtful, and--I hope this doesn't offend you, but he was wonderful in bed. We had sex several times a day and more than once at night. It was like he couldn't get enough...and I knew damned well, I couldn't get enough of him. Like you, he was fresh out of traditional old Virginia...naive in every way about everything. He wanted to learn about everything all at once as if there would be no tomorrow. There was only here and now with Mark...and I dearly loved teaching him about the life he never knew about...it was like I was reborn and living my life anew...sharing things, going to different places...concerts, museums, traveling Broadway shows, Theatre Under The Stars,...hell, we did it all! Together! For the first time!" "Can I stop you long enough to ask if Mark was in love with you or was he just wrapped up in a world of new things? "I honestly believe Mark loved me, the reason being that Mark told me that, before we met, he was always very selective in his sex partners. You see, Mark just couldn't or rather I should say, wouldn't go to bed just for the physical side of sex. He had to experience the emotional side of love making, otherwise he didn't enjoy it." "But you said that you and Mark went to bed together on your first date. How could he possibly have developed such a strong feeling for you in just a matter of minutes or hours?" "That's how I knew he loved me. Something happened, and I don't going beyond his two drink limit. We just clicked! I felt it and I had drunk far less than he. I was practically sober. When I was just a kid, a gay man told me that I could search the world over and go to bed thousands of times with thousands of guys, but one day I would meet that 'someone'...many refer to it as finding your soulmate...and I'd just know right away...out of instinct that 'that's him' and if it's right, he feels it too, at the same moment." "So, what happened?" "I guess while you were looking around my apartment, you were probably wondering how I could afford all this. Really, wealth is all I've ever known. My father had money, lots of it from his parents, and he married my mother, who actually had more money than he. You know...money seeds money breeds money. I was the only product of their breeding. When I was around twelve years old, my parents had gotten tired of each other. They were bored...and so they split off in different directions. In the divorce settlement, neither of them asked for money from the other. Each had all he needed. The only thing left undecided wasn't who gets custody of the kid...me...Actually, it was more like who doesn't want to get stuck raising a teenager? So off to boarding school I go. A year later when I turned thirteen and reached puberty, I learned what it's like to go to a boy's academy. Boy/boy sex everywhere...in the showers, in the dorms, in the toilets...everywhere! What's more, I loved it. I loved it so much, it didn't occur to me to have a girlfriend. I'd never had one and suddenly I didn't need one, I knew I'd NEVER have one. When I was eighteen, I had my semi-annual visit with my dad...oh, by the way, he lost and got custody of me. He told me to pick out any college so long as it was not near him. A year later, after I'd flunked out by ignoring my classes and paying more attention to the track team or the swimming team---I think I serviced all of them at one time or another --- I came home to see my father with my tail tucked between my legs and asked, 'What now, pop?'. Realizing I could become a burden on him, he had me meet with his lawyer and set up a bottomless trust fund. Whenever my account balance dropped below a certain level, the bank was instructed to restore my balance no matter how much I spent, so long as I didn't hang around at home. In other words, I was paid to stay away. Today, I have as much money in the bank as I did when I was eighteen. If I want to buy a new car or a ticket to Timbuktu, I know that whatever it costs will be replaced in my account the next day. Then one day out of the blue, I got a call from Switzerland. My mother, whom I hadn't seen in over ten years...hell, I didn't even know she was alive...or where she was...anyway, one of her 'boyfriends' called to say she was in a Hospice in Switzerland...some kind of cancer...and some priest had convinced her that if she died, she was doomed for hell if she didn't make amends with her one and only child...me!" "And so you went to Switzerland to see your mother?" "Like a little terrier who's lost his 'mommy' in a big shopping mall, I flew to Europe and rushed to her bedside...only the cunt didn't have cancer. She had a non-curable illness...the kind you find in the bottom of a vodka bottle. She wasn't dying...no priest had talked with her...all lies! She was drunk and wanted to see her long-lost son." "Mark didn't go with you?" "No, I'm sure he wanted to...but I didn't want him to see my mother. I didn't want anyone to interfere with Mark's and my relationship. I told him I'd fly to Switzerland, rush to her bedside, give her a hug and fly right back to Atlanta." "And you didn't...?" "No, I...I'd never seen Switzerland and decided to stay a few days...climb an Alp, milk a goat and make some cheese, learn how to yodel, eat a bunch of chocolates...silly shit. I talked with Mark five times a day made excuses for remaining longer. Then a twist of fate grabbed me on my fourth day there. One of my mother's boyfriends found her dead with a huge gash on the back of her head." "My God...!" "The Swiss police came to investigate her death and decided it was not accidental, but that someone had murdered her. I, being the only heir of a wealthy American woman, became the natural suspect, so I was arrested and detained by the Swiss magistrate. I wasn't guilty. Hell, why would I kill the bitch? I hardly knew her and I had enough money of my own...I didn't need any of hers even if I was designated in her will...which she had never made. I was allowed one phone call per day and I had to choose whether to call my lover, Mark, or contact my dad's lawyer to get me out of the fucking mess. Two months later, one of my mother's boyfriends confessed and I was exonerated and allowed to come back to the U.S. I flew non-stop from Zurich to Atlanta and rushed to see Mark and hold him in my arms...only when I got home...Mark wasn't here." "Had he moved in with Steve?" "It took me nearly a week to find him. I hadn't seen him in over a month and when I DID see him, I hardly recognized him. He had lost weight and looked extremely ill. At that time, he hadn't been diagnosed with Hep C, he assumed he had HIV and that I...I had given it to him. Suddenly I believed him. I wasn't sick, but I could be a carrier and could have given him the virus without suspecting that I had it. I rushed to my own doctor and had every blood test imaginable done and all the results---every last one of them---came back negative. I was as healthy as an Olympic athlete. I ran back to Mark and showed him the reports and I guess he resented me because I was well and he wasn't. He kept me at a distance from him, no hugs, no kissing, no sex, that's for sure, not so much as a handshake. Finally, I convinced him to go see MY doctor. Maybe he didn't have HIV...there was no reason for him to have it. I thought...or even prayed that he had some kind of cancer which could be treated or even cured." "And did he go...?" "Yes, that's when he found out about the hepatitis. He asked my doctor how contagious he was...and was told, he was very much so. He could give it to anyone with whom he had physical contact...or anyone who touched anything he had touched...such as a glass, a fork, anything. He felt he had become a 'typhoid Mary'...only he was a 'hep C. Mark'! The doctor recommended starting him on an Interferon regimen and lots of vitamins and liver supplements and Mark asked if he would still be contagious. My doctor told him, 'probably'. Mark opted not to get any treatment at all...and he turned against me. He shouted he never wanted to see me again and to get out of his life. I guess he loved me too much to want to see me get hep C from him. He went back to Steve's and became a shut-in...a hermit. With his diagnosis, it was easy to apply and get SSI and Medicare approved. Steve helped him with that, just to help pay the rent. I was destroyed---I loved Mark so much and he never wanted to see me again...and so I was heartbroken and vanished from his life. What had transpired between us remained between the two of us and I got the reputation of being a shit for walking out of Mark's life to let him die alone. No one ever knew that I was just following his wish...the last thing he asked of me. So I took the blame and disappeared. You might not believe this...but I remained faithful to him completely." "Yeah?...What about a few minutes ago?...was that being faithful?" "David, I swear to God, you are the only person I've touched since I left Mark." "That's difficult to believe. I mean, why now, and why with me?" "Jesus Christ! Can't you see what happened? Ever since I saw you in the drugstore, I've felt that Mark had come back into my life. You're the spitting image of him. I...I didn't have sex with you...you became Mark when I saw you naked. I wanted to have him again, to hold him, to...to devour him. I...I couldn't control myself. I've sat here and yearned for him until I could barely stand it, wanting him back, and when I saw you...he WAS back..." "Then it wasn't I, that you..." "NO, David, it wasn't you..." "Dear God, I WANT to believe you, but......" He was interrupted when Randy turned wiolently toward him. "David, I want to know why you kissed me!" "I don't know. I really wanted to kill you." "I almost wish you had...but you didn't! Why?" "I can't explain what happened! I know I shouldn't tell you this, but an hour before you came to pick me up, I found myself in Thad's arms and he kissed me. I was so upset at the incident that I almost went into Thad's bathroom and slit my wrists with his razor." "Is it so horrible that some homosexual feeling might have suddenly manifested itself?" "You mean was I frightened that I might be gay and didn't know it?" "Apparently it's some feeling you've been hiding from yourself. I mean, I've given many straight guys blow jobs before, but you're the first one who ever kissed me afterwards." "Oh, God! I'm so confused!" "When Thad kissed you, did you feel like killing HIM or hitting him at least?" "NO...I became 'caught up' in the moment and found myself returning his kiss...!" "Why? What do you suppose that meant?" "I...I justified my action, by telling myself I was emulating Mark. I felt that's what HE would've done...the way he would have reacted." "Does that explain why you kissed me...you were emulating Mark again?" "I don't know. There was something in your eyes when I had my hands around your throat. You became something or someone Mark loved and I couldn't hurt Mark's love. I had to love it as he would've." "David, look at me. How do you feel now? Guilty? Or glad you did what you did?" "I'm not sure. It's like when Thad held me in his arms, it was something I needed desperately. I wanted a man to hold me. I...I'm engaged to marry a girl named Jenny, back home...but I'm sure I wouldn't have had the same feeling had it been she and not Thad holding me. I did some remedial soul-searching and realized that never once in my life had my dad ever held me. I'd never had or felt the love of a man...which even straight guys are supposed to feel or at least know about." "David, I'm not old enough for you to think I'm your dad...neither is Thad!" "No, but you're Mark's age. I never held Mark in my arms, not ever." "I think your books would define your action as a brotherly transference. So what's next? I mean, what do you want to do? As I said, I can drive you back to Thad's...?" "I'm almost afraid to face him. I mean, what if he kisses me again and wants to go further, the way you did? I'd almost become a hetero-slash-gay whore." "Sex between two consenting males doesn't make either of them a whore." "Who says it's consensual? I didn't agree to have sex with you OR with Thad." "You didn't stop me..." "I sure as hell tried..." "Only at first, I could feel when you stopped resisting and gave into me." "Hell, in spite of being so gross...I've got at admit it WAS pleasurable." "You liked it then?" "Maybe...I mean, who can say 'no' during the middle of an orgasm? Jerry Falwell, maybe..." "That holy queen? Isn't he from Virginia?" "Lynchburg." "He was probably sucking his father's dick when he was conceived in his mother's womb. Nobody, not even you, can feel so strongly about something without knowing just a little bit about it...I'm referring to cocksucking." "When I go home, maybe I'll stop by and tell him there's someone in Atlanta he should come visit!" "Send him down. Somebody here will convert him!" David's tension had eased and he found that he could laugh at Randy's remark. "I...I'm feeling better now, now that I have a better idea about why I felt as I did." "You, uh, still haven't told me where you want me to take you? Thad's or a hotel?" "I'm not sure." "Listen, you know I have a spare bedroom, WITH a lock on the door, by the way. If you want to stay here, I'll even run out and buy a chain lock or deadbolt to make you safe from me." David thought for a minute. "You do have more room than Thad...and God knows, it's cleaner..." "Wanna stay?...I'll thaw some steaks or a couple of lobster tails and we can eat in." "All my clothes are at Thad's." "You mean your spare overalls, plaid shirts, and straw hat?" "Now, my clothes are not that bad." "Go into my bedroom and open up my closet and find anything you want...your size, but my taste. I'm going to get you living in the twenty-first century somehow." "All right, then." "After dinner, we can go to a show, visit a club, or stay home and watch a DVD. I'll bet you've never seen hi-def with five-point-one stereo, have you?" "God, how I wish I could say, 'yes', but no, I haven't!" "Figures..." "You're an asshole! What did my brother see in you?" "It's more like, what did I see in him...? Now go pick out something hot out of my closet to wear for dinner. I'll go turn on the CD and play something nice." "I can hardly wait to see what you call 'nice' music." "Y'know, I might surprise you..." "I hope not, I can't stand many more of your surprises. The last one almost crippled me." "Scoot!" David went into the bedroom to find something suitable to wear...suitable, that is, to meet Randy's approval. From the living room, he heard a quiet musical intro, followed by a female voice, singing quietly, 'You ask me why? Well... as I remember him, he had a gentle way. He was so bright of mind, I can't find words to say. He turned the darkest day into a world of gold. He made things younger when they were growing old. As I remember him, he was a loving man. I knew it well because, where he was, life began. And if you knew him, you would understand just why. As I remember him, I cry." David stopped searching for clothes and walked back into living room to listen to the lyrics more intently. Randy came out of the kitchen to listen as well. The two guy's eyes met and locked as the music brought tears to both their eyes. "And though I loved the boy for such a little while, It was so wonderful. It was so beautiful. As I remember him, I smile." *** "Mark?" David asked. "Uh huh..." replied Randy, choking back a tear. <><><><><><><><><> After dropping David off at Thad's, Chris had thoughts of David in his mind the rest of the day. Being honest with himself, Chris did a lot of thinking about David the night after Chris was in his bed. He didn't allow himself to go into fantasizing about Mark's older brother to the point of masturbating, but trying to go to sleep with a full erection did present a problem for Chris. David had admitted to Chris that he had slept in the same bed with Thad, but denied emphatically that anything had transpired between them. Chris wanted to believe David, but he also knew Thad had enough charm and charisma to make a nun join him in adultery. He also suspected that David would be long gone back to Virginia before Thad came to confession and only then, would Chris know the truth. Chris questioned himself, 'the truth about what? I can't be interested in David. I'm a priest...his deceased brother's priest. David is straight, so why is this bothering me so?'. Shortly after high school let out for the day, Tommy, Jeff, and Andy arrived to help with the evening Buggy meal. Tonight's menu would be simple, spaghetti with meat sauce or plain tomato sauce, depending on the recipient's diet or preference; a lettuce salad, consisting of nothing more than just plain lettuce with no other vegetables and a basic vinaigrette dressing with a dash of mustard and garlic salt. The Pig's Oink Supermarket had had a sale on its own brand of popsicles which took care of the dessert. The drink was nearly always iced tea...with or without sugar or aspartame. The Supermarket had been generous enough to supply the Buggy meals with loaves of two-day old French and Italian breads. Chris made the meat sauce while Tommy and Jeff boiled the water for spaghetti and made the tea. Andy sliced the bread and squirted liquid artificial margarine on each slice and gave each one a dash of garlic salt to complete the suggestion of a continental meal. There were over one-hundred fifty meals to prepare for the evening run...many were multiple stops at places which housed more than one receiver. The priest and his three Buggy helpers should be finished by 7- or 7:30PM. Chris loved his boys. He was aware of the bond between Tommy and Jeff and often looked to see if Andy felt left out of the trio. But the three did everything together until bedtime. Chris was no fool; he knew that Tommy and Jeff were more than likely having sex at night, but either they were lying or simply were ashamed to confess their nightly shenanigans to a friend at confession. Chris didn't try to stress them out into telling the truth. Even though the Church had never accepted homosexuality, neither boy was required to be celibate and the two sparked fond memories of Chris' youth before he had taken his final vows. Steve's was among the last stops on the route and how Chris wished that David had chosen to stay with Steve. Again, he had no reason to doubt David's word about nothing happening at Thad's, but Chris was confident that David would be much safer with Steve, considering Steve had advanced AIDS. The boys liked going to Steve's. They loved to hear his sarcasm over the nightly menu. Often, one or all three would make an excuse to go back to the station wagon for the chance of laughing out loud as they didn't want to see Chris' facial reaction to Steve's caustic remarks. Even though David had spent little time at Steve's, Steve missed him and he didn't mind using his wry wit to express how he felt about David staying at Thad's. He asked Chris before leaving, "Do you suppose David is now Thad's deputy and the two of them are off riding to the 'old north forty' to wrangle some rustlers?" Chris wanted to agree, but thought better of it. Why suggest even a hint of Steve's jealousy in front of his Buggy assistants? "I...I hope the two of them are finding comfort in their time of sorrow," Chris said, sounding like a wise old patriarch of the church. "Knowing Thad as I do...or rather as I USED to know him, I'm sure Thad has presented more pain than comfort to David." Chris was aware of Steve's reference to Thad's size, but played his 'fatherly' role to the hilt. "They were both in a lot of emotional pain when I saw them last." "And I'm sure Thad has more than ample emotional pain medication..." Steve retorted as Andy, Jeff, and Tommy caught on to Steve's direct malicious indication and the three almost burst into laughter, but headed for the door before Chris could see them. "Well, Steve, it looks like my gang wants to get home early, so I'll leave you and let you enjoy your meal." "Are you sure you don't want to give me my last rites before I take the first bite? I heard several ambulance sirens going in the direction from which you were coming when you arrived." He looked at his spaghetti sauce. "Are they bottling ptomaine now? Do you call this ptomaineto sauce?" "Steve, my friend, you're a dear and you're fun to visit. You're just what I need at the end of my day. You always manage to give me a good laugh." "What's funny? When you began delivering meals to me months ago, I stopped saying a blessing before I ate. Now I just raise my hand like the Baptists in a revival and shout, "Morituri te salutamus!"...which means..." "You clown! I know my Latin or did you forget?" "Oh, that's right...you ARE a priest." "And you're one of my favorite people." "My, my, after all this time, you still want my body!" "I'm more interested in your soul, Steve." "Didja ever try fucking one?...OH! You said, "SOUL! I thought you said my..." "Good night, Steve...see ya tomorrow," Chris laughed as he went out the door to take his boys home. The three young men were sitting in the car waiting on Chris when he reached them. He started the station wagon and they were off. The first stop was at the Lawrence house where Tommy and Jeff got out, leaving Andy alone with Chris. "Father Chris?" Andy spoke up. "Yes, Andy?" "Is Steve dying?" "Andy, we're ALL dying...a bit each day." "I mean, how sick IS Steve?" "You know about his illness, don't you?" "Sure, he has AIDS..." "That doesn't necessarily mean he's ready to die. Twenty years ago, the answer would have been 'yes', but we have treatment and medicines now with new ones being discovered almost daily." "But there's no real cure or vaccine. is there?" "It depends on how you define, 'cure'! There's no cure for the common cold, but when you get one...it doesn't kill you, does it?" "No..." "We treat colds just like we treat HIV or AIDS. A person can get better and live a long happy life...as for a vaccine? Not yet...or at least we don't know of one. The best vaccine for HIV and AIDS is education and prevention." "Prevention? Like not having sex at all?" "I didn't say that. Prevention is a way of saying, 'not to let something happen'. Sex is part of life and God meant for a person to enjoy it...but it means doing it safely." "My dad said that the Church doesn't believe in people using condoms. How can a Catholic have safe sex without a rubber?" "That's where knowing your partner comes into place. The Church also frowns on premarital sex. However, in the world that teens are raised in today, virginity is becoming more nonexistent, in spite of the Church's teachings." "I'm a virgin." "I'm proud to hear that, Andy." "What about you? Were you a virgin before you became a priest?" "That's something I can't or won't discuss." "Then you weren't, were you?" "You're assuming too much by my denial." "Can I ask you something that's not personal?" "Sure." "Why does the Church hate gay people?" "Who told you that?" "My dad." "The Church doesn't hate gay people. The Church doesn't hate anyone for that matter. The Church just hates some of the things gay people do." "What if I were gay? Would I go to hell?" "I somehow doubt it. There's always time to confess your sins as a rule." "You mean someone could be gay and do gay things, confess at the last minute and still go to heaven?" "Probably..." "Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better...although I won't tell my dad what you said." "Please don't." Turning to face him directly, Chris asked, "Andy, do you feel as though you are gay?" "I don't date girls." "How old are you?" "Eighteen." "And you've never had a date or a sweetheart?" "Nope. I guess you kinda noticed Jeff and Tommy don't date girls either." "I...I really hadn't noticed. I'm not aware what the three of you do at school, after we get through at night, or on weekends." "Father, I'm not in confession now, so please don't quote me, but Tommy and Jeff are in love...I mean REALLY in love." "Oh...?" "I wish I had someone as they do. They have each other." "Are you saying that you're lonely?" "Lonely? So bad that I ache." "You'll find someone soon, I'm sure. Maybe when you go to college." "I doubt it. I've lived my whole life without having someone and I don't see my life changing." "You've never had a crush on anyone?" "Sure, a few times..." "And you never pursued your crush?" "No, everyone I had a crush on always had somebody else. I would give up everything I have to be like Jeff or Tommy. I'm sure that when they go to bed, they hold each other. Me? I hold my pillow. I even gave my pillow a name." "Do you mind telling me your pillow's name?" "You won't say anything, will you?" "Have I ever revealed anything you told me in confession?" "Not that I know of." "Well, then..." "I call my pillow Kevin." "That's a boy's name." "I know." "You pretend your pillow is a boy?" "I have, for a long time." "You know, I slept with my teddy bear until I was thirteen, Andy." "You're kidding?" "No...but I've just told YOU a secret, so don't tell anyone what I said." "Did your teddy bear have a name?" "Billy...Billy Bear." "That's a boy's name, too." "I know." "Then while you were growing up, you pretended you were sleeping with a boy?" "Not really a boy...it was a bear...a boy bear named Billy." "Hmm..." "What does 'hmm' mean?" "Nothing really...I'm not accusing you of ANYTHING, but there ARE a lot of gay priests." "Just like there are a lot of gay doctors, gay lawyers, teachers, construction workers, truck drivers..." "I wasn't saying that you ARE, I..." "With all the scandals about priests molesting altar boys, practically everyone suspects all priests are gay. The fact that we take a vow of celibacy and don't get married makes all of us suspicious." "I...I had a crush on you once!" "Are you serious or are you just joshing me?" "Serious as a train wreck." "How long ago was that?" "Not long...not long at all." "You never confessed that to me." "I don't believe everyone confesses everything." "Don't tell anyone, but I'm sure of that." "I mean, not telling isn't lying." "No." "And if I had a crush on you and you never knew about it, what difference did it make." "As long as we're conversing outside the confessional, I guess I should say I'm flattered. I would think anyone would get some pleasure knowing that a person such as yourself had a crush on him...or her." "I hope I didn't offend you or anything." "You didn't...but may I ask when your crush on me ended?" "I'm not sure that it did end." "On that note, I think we'd better end this conversation and change the subject." "I'm sorry...I REALLY am. I should never have told you." "I'm glad that you did, but we won't talk of it again. All right?" "Just because I won't talk about it doesn't change the way I feel..." "Then you must fight that feeling. It will only cause you despair. Even if I weren't a priest, you and I could never have a relationship. In spite of my personal beliefs, it's forbidden by the church." "Father, don't you ever get lonely?" "Andy, I asked you to change the subject." "I will, but I got to say one final thing." "If it's the final thing, then go ahead and say it and we'll never mention it again...ever!" "All right...here goes...I...I love you, Father." "ANDY! THAT'S ENOUGH! Please don't say another word until we get to your house!" "Okay, I won't!" They had nearly ten blocks of silence before Chris parked his car in front of Andy's house. The tension was so heavy inside the car, Chris thought he would smother before he reached their destination. Andy, he knew, was filled with guilt and embarrassment. Andy wasn't sure what had prompted him to divulge the secret in his heart which had been in repose for many agonizing months. In a way, he was glad that someone finally knew. He'd revealed personal things which he could tell no one, not even Jeff or Tommy, his best friends. Once the car stopped, Chris and Andy avoided looking at the other. Andy had his back toward Chris as he said good night. Chris didn't turn to look at Andy, but kept his eyes straight ahead as he echoed, "Good night, Andy." Years ago, Chris had seen a sci-fi movie where at the end, the car, driven by the hero, drove straight into a darkness and disappeared...never to return again. Then the credits began to roll. After Andy exited the car, Chris longed to find that same darkness and keep on going into eternity or wherever the road led. Jesus! Why had Chris let the conversation get out of hand and go beyond the point of no return? Why did Andy choose this night to expose thoughts that should never have been revealed? Worse yet, how could an eighteen year old boy be in love with a twenty-six-old priest...well, almost twenty-seven? Chris hands were shaking as he placed them on the steering wheel. He felt beads of sweat popping out in his palms, on his forehead, the back of his neck... Chris had wondered for two days if he was feeling lust for David and suddenly the cards were turned; he found himself the object of a teenager's lust! Where in the name of God was that road that led into total darkness? <><><><><> At the same time that Chris was about to have a nervous breakdown, in a shabbier part of Atlanta, an anxious detective sat wondering where in hell was David? Why hadn't he called? His luggage was where he left it in Thad's living room and Thad was worried...really worried. Thad had completed all his tasks concerning Alex's arrangements. He first went to the coroner's office and illegally signed the document which would release Alex's body to Felix and also gave permission for Alex's cremation. His 'friend' at the coroner's who had assisted Thad with the falsification xeroxed all the forms for Thad to give to Felix. Felix's mortuary was next and Thad had to experience Felix's nonsensical sales pitch rigmarole about choosing the proper urn to hold the ashes. It was the identical spiel Felix tried to present to Chris and David. Thad didn't buy into Felix's sales speech, so twice in one day, Felix's attempt to make extra profit was foiled. He would now have to charge some rich schnook triple on the next coffin Felix sold to ease his loss. Thad wanted to take out his revolver and shoot a hole in Felix head on general principles. Thad hated closet queens, especially old virgin closet queens...the kind that made heteros call queers, faggots. After he left Felix's, Thad hurried home hoping to see David. He'd try anyway, EVERY way to make amends. Thad was indeed sorry about the kiss. He swore he'd rather shoot himself than embarrass David as well as himself that way. Shit! David would be gone in a couple of days so why fuck up the guy's life. After all, David had said numerous times that he was straight. So why couldn't Thad accept David's word and just let matters be? What would Alex have thought if he knew Thad had behaved so foolishly? What would Mark have said if he knew Thad had made a play for his brother? Thad had made a fucking mess of everything and somehow, some way, he had to rectify his action. Now, where the fuck was David? Was he still angry? He had every right to be, Thad realized. David was supposed to go off with Randy for a drink. Jesus! What could have happened between them? Another kiss? Something worse? Anybody could fall for those long lashes of Randy's. David talked as if he could be attracted to Randy. Randy had probably taken David to a bar and bought him too many drinks...enough to lower David's inhibition and was probably at his house or apartment fucking the daylights out of David's straight ass. Thad cursed and vowed that if Randy had taken advantage of David, he'd kill him on the spot and plant a 'throw down' pistol in Randy's hand. Randy, the pretty boy, with the pretty looks, pretty body, and pretty nine or ten inch dick! Someone should have shot Randy long ago...right after he ditched Mark. He should have died that night! Thad felt no hunger in spite of having missed dinner. It was 11:00PM. There was still no word, no phone call, no message, or no appearance of David since Thad had left him in early afternoon. Thad had reached an emotional point beyond being frantic and he knew it was silly perhaps to worry about the whereabouts of an almost total stranger. Practically everyone he'd ever met had just been a swift encounter...one-night stands, unknown faces meeting and leaving quickly after an hour or two. Except for the brief relationship with Alex, no one had ever mattered to Thad for a long period of time. He had known David for a little over twenty-four hours, but David's unexplained absence was driving Thad mad. It was a part of a detective's job to search for a missing person, but in the past it meant looking for someone he didn't know or really care about. Why should this be different? Was it the fact that David had spurned his advances? THIS was something Thad wasn't used to! He was always the dominator. He set the rules of engagement. No one had ever said 'no' to him and no one had EVER walked out on him. Was it more like a bruise to Thad's ego and masculine pride? Feelings of remorse or guilt were not in his personal catalog of emotions, but Thad was sincerely contrite concerning the kiss with David and the conversation which followed. It was stupid to consider filing a 'missing person' report. David wasn't really missing. If Thad were to get into his car to look for David, where would he begin? Randy's place? And what if Thad were to find David there, then what? Would David think Thad was stalking him? That would only make matters worse. But what if Randy had gotten David inebriated and was taking advantage of David sexually, with or without David's consent? Was that evidence to arrest Randy? They were both adults and could have legal consensual sex...but David would never consent! Would he? God damn it! Why couldn't David come back and at least pick up his clothes and gear? Was he unable to? That was the key to the mystery that puzzled Thad the most. Surely David wouldn't agree of his own sober volition to spend the night with the pretty boy! David had to be or MUST be in some trouble or danger. There was really nothing more Thad could do other than just wait...and that he did! He waited for David until 3:00AM when he finally dropped to off sleep on his dusty divan. <><><><><><><><> When Andy Thompson went into his house after his talk with Father Chris, he remained in a quiet mood, barely noticing his parents. His mom was used to serving Andy a late dinner, as he usually arrived home about the same time every night after the Buggy meal evening run. Andy's dad, Todd, was very proud of his son. Todd was a huge supporter of St. Thaddeus church,both spiritually and financially. Todd felt that the money he gave was an investment in a reward he would receive in the next world. Todd had been very instrumental in 'volunteering' his son's services to assist Father Chris with the mission meals. Andy actually felt he had no choice but to comply with his father's wish. In a way, Andy was glad to have something to do to get him out of the house and be with other people and get closer to his best friends, Jeff and Tommy...not to mention that he found his mentor, Father Chris, very attractive. This night, however, Andy passed the dining room and went down the hall to the bathroom, passing both his and his parents' bedrooms. Often Andy had a hard day at school and a long tiring trip delivering meals, so when he appeared to skip his own meal, neither of his parents thought anything odd about it. Leaving the bathroom, Andy went directly to his own room and closed the door. The three prime time shows were beginning on the television, so Marcia and Todd settled down in the living room to watch their favorite Tuesday evening TV fare, "NCIS", "House" and "Law and Order: SVU". After the "House" episode, Marcia went into the kitchen to dish out bowls of Starbuck's Mud Pie Ice Cream for her husband and herself. She walked down and tapped on Andy's door to offer him a dish, but Andy didn't answer. Marcia assumed Andy had gotten tired after doing his homework and dropped off to sleep. Then she hurried back to the living room with two dishes of ice cream to see the crime which was always committed during the first three minutes of "SVU". Both were huge fans of Mariska Hargitay and Marcia couldn't keep her eyes off Chris Meloni ever since she had seen him playing many nude scenes in the HBO series, "OZ". Chris had played a homosexual convict with a convict lover and the two had had many kissing and simulated sex scenes. Seeing Chris perform oral sex on Lee Tergersen disgusted Todd, but he watched and accepted the scenes as being part of the prison-life reality. Marcia would never reveal that she liked "OZ" with a prurient eye to see all the male penises. The eleven o'clock news came on the Atlanta NBC affiliate and Todd watched the headlines while Marcia went back to the kitchen to rinse out the two empty bowls. Todd switched off the TV at 11:15; turned out the lights and he and Marcia went to bed. Todd undressed down to his boxers and t-shirt and got into bed. Marcia went into the bathroom to take off her makeup; moisturize her face; and put on her gown, negligeé, and slippers. She brushed her teeth and opened the medicine cabinet to take her one nightly pill. Suddenly puzzled, she went to the bedroom and asked, "Todd, I thought you picked up my Seconal prescription." "I did, honey. I put it in the chest right beside your nearly empty bottle when I came home from work this afternoon." "That's strange, I thought I had one more caplet in the old bottle, but it's empty and there's no full bottle where you said you put it." "Marcia, I'm certain that I put it there. I'm sure because I placed my Preparation H suppositories on the shelf above your pills." "Todd, would you mind coming into the bathroom and take a look. My pills are not there." "Oh, all right...but I KNOW I can find them." Todd followed his wife into the bathroom and her sleeping pills were not where he had put them. "Marcia, I swear to you..." Suddenly, the same thought hit their minds at the same moment. "You don't think...?" Marcia asked with trepidation. "Of course not, but we might check...just in case..." The couple almost raced from the bathroom to Andy's bedroom and Todd knocked rather loudly on Andy's door. "ANDY!" No answer. Todd knocked louder. "ANDY! PLEASE OPEN YOUR DOOR!" Still no answer and Todd tried to turn the doorknob. Andy's door was locked. "ANDY! IF YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR DOOR, I'M GONNA KNOCK IT DOWN!!!" After the third silence, Marcia said, "Go ahead, Todd, break it down...something is wrong!" Todd took three giant steps backward and lunged forward with all his might and broke the lock on Andy's door and his forward motion took him into the middle of Andy's bedroom, just three feet below the foot of Andy's bed. Andy was fully dressed in the clothes he had worn to school and he appeared to be sound asleep, lying crossways on his bed. Todd dived over the footboard of the bed and landed next to his son. Todd shook Andy but Andy didn't move or respond to his dad's frantic action. "Oh my God, Todd, see if he's breathing..." Todd put his face next to Andy's mouth and nose and felt a faintly warm breath coming out of Andy's nostrils. "He's breathing, Marcia! Run! Run, for God's sake and call 911!" Marcia screamed and wailed all the way to the phone and the operator had to calm Marcia down enough to hear her cry for help. Then Marcia ran back to Andy's bedroom. "The EMS are on the way!" Marcia shouted. "DO SOMETHING, TODD!" "WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE?" "DO CPR! PUMP HIS HEART! BREATHE INTO THIS MOUTH! Oh, my God, this can't be happening!" Suddenly she ran out the bedroom to go to the phone again. "I'm going to call Father Chris!" Marcia yelled to her husband. "WHAT FOR? DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT CPR THAN I DO?" "No, Todd...I think he should be here just in case...!" "In case of what?" "In case our sons needs his last rites..." "Oh, Jesus!" Todd cried out and began once again pumping his hands on Andy's sternum. <><><><><><><><><><> (To be continued in Chapter Seven of "AS I REMEMBER HIM"). *** "As I Remember Him" music and lyrics by Portia Nelson, copyright 1995. Author's note: The recording of "As I Remember Him" that Randy played on his CD was probably sung by the late Nancy LaMott. It was her version which I heard first on Members Choice/standard songs and singers/Comcast Cable TV and haunted me for weeks. It was the song and Nancy which inspired me to write this story, R.C.