Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 12:38:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sujit Saksena <sujsak@yahoo.com>
Subject: As Time Goes By 2 (A Story From India)

...It was during his post graduation in management
from one of the leading institutes that they met.
Having joined the course after completing his CA, he
was relatively older than the other MBA students. So
he preferred to be confined more to himself, a state
he always loved to be in as a shy, unassuming man. And
the fact that he was not interested in females made
him all the more cautious, with strange fears like
somehow being found out or perhaps being caught eying
the good looking guys, of which there was no dearth at
the institute. Every night he had his jerk off
sessions with the dreams of his favourite pieces of
beefcake at the institute. Sometimes he wished that
the Kinsey samples would literally come true and at
least four per cent guys around him would turn gay!
Whoa-could have translated into a figure of more than
ten guys! But life is not about having all wishes come
true. MBA from the institute was the surest way to
material success and it need not be accompanied by
success in sex life.
It was in this situation of loneliness that he found a
great friend in one of the doctoral students, who
unlike most of his ilk was unmarried. Yeah, Ashok was
as much a fish out of water in his hostel full of
students with families as he was in his due to age
factor. They met at one of the faculty member"s
room where he was invited to explain to Ashok some
finer issues about the investment in equity. The two
had instant chemistry and with passing time the two
could often be seen hanging out together. An officer
from an oil PSU, Ashok was on a study leave to work on
his PhD. At 29, he was older than him by three years.
With an engineering background, much of the management
and financial stuff was new to Ashok and with finance
constituting a major part of the coursework, they
often had study sessions together.
It was a bonding that most "yarana"
stories could be made of-where they shared in the
studies but also in each others" projects,
dreams and concerns of personal life. But one concern
or rather secret that he never dared to share with
Ashok was his sexuality. He was sure that the day he
told Ashok about his preference would be the last day
of their friendship. Ashok himself was a really
attractive man for him. Slim, a little dusky
complexion (just the way he loves-coffee in chocolate
as he calls it) and so much of inner radiance that
shone in the self confidence. Ashok was not ashamed of
being himself-unlike him who was always busy finding
faults with himself. If there was a gay man who was
like Ashok and had liked him by any chance, he would
have felt like settling in a relationship for life.
But of course, he knew better. Dreams are not always
translated into reality when they involve someone
else"s emotions too. So he did the next best
thing-to be friends with this nice guy without making
any effort to rock the boat with the waves of
attraction-he was proud enough to have his head well
placed between the shoulders.
Life was beautiful and the pressures of course work
did not leave them with much to ponder on issues
beyond academics for much of the time. Until it was a
mid-semester break coinciding with a major festival.
Ashok had a lot to catch up due to the plethora of
seminars lined up. And he preferred to stay back for
he wanted to use this opportunity to probe the gay
side of the metro in which the institute was located.
But the times were different and it was not as easy as
it is today. Cruising was something he was not too
sure of and hence he relied more on the internet as it
existed then. But net in 1998 was too limited an
option for seeking partners. The major dating sites
had yet to take shape. There were clubs and egroups
but the usage was limited due to low penetration of
the technology. And though chat was coming to fore,
but not in its present flow to cater to every city and
to every category of sexual preference. In the end
most of the time he would be left to search sex sites,
view pictures and have self gratification thinking of
the titillating images. It was so frustrating that he
was caught in his own world of sexual fantasies, not
even bothering to check Ashok"s well being.
Until one day he saw Ashok coming out of the health
centre, with illness made all the more conspicuous by
unkempt hair and drooping shoulders.
He rushed to Ashok asking for what was wrong. It was
viral fever. But the fever seemed quite high. A sudden
surge of guilt overcame him and he could not help his
tears. He just gave up his extra aloofness and fondled
with Ashok"s hair as the latter settled in bed.
"Do you find me such a fair-weather that you did
not feel like informing me of your illness?"
Ashok wanted to laugh it off in his characteristic
humour, but he could see through the genuineness of
the tears. "I am fine Somesh (unlike the rest of
the institute Ashok never shortened his name to
"Somu"), just a bit stressed out due to
the seminar pressure and then it is only the second
day of the fever. Don"t worry, I..."
"TO HELL WITH DON"T WORRY!" he
yelled at Ashok, "I will make sure that you are
not alone till the fever subsides!"
"Somesh, I don"t need a Mom nurturing me
even at the hostel, I can take care of myself!"
But he just was not ready to listen. He stayed back.