Date: Sat, 28 May 2005 12:48:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sujit Saksena <sujsak@yahoo.com>
Subject: As Time Goes By 5 (A Story From India)

It was then that for the first time that Ashok said
those words, "I love you Somu, and I mean
it."

Words that were enough to make him think even in his
love induced sleep. But he was just too numbed to
react. He just rubbed his hand around the coarseness
of two day old stubble of Ashok, which he had felt so
close to his face and lips when Ashok kissed him.
"You know it is the first time that you called
me Somu."
"I know but I want it make these moments
together look special and why let what I call you in
love be the same as what I call you in public?"
The message was clear: the lover Ashok in the night of
bed was to be different from the friend Ashok in
public and this love truly was to persist even if it
was just love for some physical gratification. He had
nothing to complain and in fact he was ready for this
compromise as much as Ashok was.
He however chose not to react right then. Sleep was
too overpowering and the two just went to sleep
leaving the rest to tomorrow.
The morning was heralded by the sound of hustle and
bustle from the other research fellows" suits
and Somesh reluctantly woke up to find Ashok still in
deep sleep. The face showing the same confidence and
reassurance even with eyes closed. He kissed his
forehead as if to have some of Ashok"s
confidence rubbed on to him. Everything in the room
just raked of sex even in the morning. And even
without shower and shave, Ashok looked like the
mythical heroes who represent masculinity. Somesh just
lay on the bed looking at him and reflecting on the
night gone by. Where are they headed from here? What
did the act together mean for their friendship? And
more than that, how would Ashok react to it in the
morning? What if Ashok is not gay like him but only
looking for a partner to take care of his needs-would
it mean that he actually does love him as he would
love a female? The sound of some researcher"s
child speeding by in the gallery outside their suit
finally woke up Ashok. As he came to grips with his
surroundings, he saw the doubts written into
Somesh"s face. "Don"t worry, be
happy," he said while snuggling up to him.
"Yeah I am, happy as in gay," which made
Ashok chuckle. Somesh"s face grew serious,
"Ashok I mean it-I really am gay and while what
happened yesterday..."
"You have got nothing to worry about Somu. I
know that you had some preference for men and I have
seen you eying guys more often than once. And while I
am not sure if I am really gay, straight or bi, I do
know that I love you like I have never loved any
person-man or woman-before."
"But where does that leave us Ashok? I mean I
will be out of here in about one year and heavens know
if we will ever meet after my graduation. You most
probably will get married, have kids and be busy with
a career in a few years."
Ashok watched him intently as if to find the answers
for all the questions of Somesh on his face.
"Somu, in case it is hard for you, I will not
force you to continue our relationship for I want to
see you happy and I can see misery written all over
your face. To be honest, I do not deny that I will get
married and live a straight life some day. And despite
the confidence with which I made love to you, I am new
to all this man to man stuff. It is perhaps your past
experience that makes it easy for me. And I must say
that in a way I wanted to do it all to make you happy.
I am human and even if you did not realise I was
getting aroused even in high fever when you were
rubbing Vicks over my chest the day before. I never
ever have had any judgments about being gay or
straight but just to assure you, I am not using you
merely as a sex partner. I do it because I really do
love you. I would not have even touched any man if it
were not you," Ashok said while his hands roamed
on Somesh"s still naked body. Ashok moved on to
kiss his new lover"s face and could see a more
assured look in his eyes. "Hey, we better get
dressed and meet for breakfast after shower,"
said Somesh. Ashok knew he was avoiding getting
involved in another session of love so soon. So he let
him go and got up to tidy his room and himself too.
Somesh could not exactly pinpoint to the reason for
his newfound confidence. Maybe it had to do with
Ashok"s total honesty. Unlike many men he did
not make any pretensions of "till death do us
part" kind of puppy love. The love was for only
a small time but it was based on honest assessment of
ground realities. Why complain then, make hay while
the sun shines, he thought. As he came to the mess, he
saw Ashok was already there, his face glowing now with
shave and shower and his eyes with their
characteristic child like gleam.
Somesh left for the market after breakfast with a zeal
he perhaps never displayed at the idea of shopping.
While purchasing his monthly quota of toiletries and
window shopping in general, he came across a
chemist"s shop. Well why not be prepared boy
scout?" he chuckled. He purchased the premium
scented brand of condoms and then asked for a jar of
Vaseline, eliciting a smile from the young but much
experienced salesperson. Thank god the market was real
far from the institute. Checking his list of items he
was convinced he had extended his purchase much beyond
what he had actually intended to buy and he went to
wait for the bus of the institution. He saw the kids
of one of the more high profile professors debate on
who should get the window seat on the bus, while their
father as usual way busy discussing something with the
wife of one of his colleagues in his characteristic
know-all disposition. But Somesh was just too
engrossed in his own self to pay much heed to goings
on around him. When the bus finally arrived, he chose
a quiet seat at the back and started humming a song he
had loved all his life-some romantic song of the
yesteryears.
Back to the institute, he headed straight for the
computer centre (yeah there were times in the past
when even students from top management institutes had
to depend entirely on the computer centre for the
PC/laptop culture had not reached the present levels
of spread due to high costs). After checking his
mails, he wanted to indulge in some
"pondy-watch" but it was so hard to go for
"gaywatch" with guys around. He returned
thinking of meeting Ashok during the lunch. The mess
as was expected, hardly buzzed with activity in this
semester break period. The usual research students,
some PG students and a few employees with account in
the mess were seen. He scanned the area for Ashok and
he realised that he had still not started his meal, as
he was busy chatting with a co-researcher and his
wife. Somesh went to join them and could feel a sense
of aloofness in Ashok at the time. He was somewhat
disappointed and went ahead to have his meal, joining
another unmarried researcher, who like Ashok was
single and handsome and an employee of a PSU. This guy
was a fitness freak and with almost a five kilometre
run around the campus everyday, he was an athlete in
the garb of researcher. But Somesh knew he was
hopelessly straight-they often sat on adjacent
computer terminals and taking him to be a buddy of the
same age group, Bhaskar (that was this guy"s
name) often showed Somesh the latest pictures of nude
girls he managed to download despite strict vigil by
the network administrator. While talking to Bhaskar,
he could see a definite lack of comfort in the eyes of
Ashok who was still sitting with the couple at the far
end of the mess but looking continuously at him. Well
if he is not comfortable with me joining his group,
why should I bother about his discomfort? Thinking
thus, Somesh continued to have a peppy talk with
Bhaskar and just enjoyed the present moment. After the
meal, he just left and went to his room to catch some
sleep. He did not even bother to ponder over the
behaviour of Ashok.
Somesh woke with a hard on in late afternoon. He
smiled at his reinvigorated libido, which in turn also
reminded him of the incidents of the last three days
and he lost his hard-on with the memory of the event
in the mess. "Well no time to reflect or
brood-have a lot to do in life than just chase
men," he said to himself. So, for the first time
in the mid-sem break he got involved in studies. After
almost three hours of studies he left for the student
activity centre for a game of table tennis. By the
time he returned it was almost eight o clock and he
had a quick shower and then rushed to the mess. There
was such haste in his rush that he failed to even see
the slip that Ashok had slid through his door in the
evening. Somesh was now highly resolved to not let
himself be caught in emotions and hence rather than
wait for anyone, just went ahead and had his meal. He
did not even notice Ashok come and join him at the
table. "Hi!" The greeting made Somesh look
up and then he saw Ashok. He reciprocated the greeting
and then was back to his meal. "Did you read my
slip?" Ashok asked. "No, I did not even
know that you sent me a slip." "Actually I
did not send it to you. I came to meet you in early
evening and as you were not in the room, I wrote the
slip and slid it through your door." "Oh,
was it about anything special?" Somesh asked.
Ashok"s face grew serious. "Can we talk
for sometime?" "Sure." Right at that
time Bhaskar also came in and joined them on the table
and it was once gain back to jokes and discussion of
games. Ashok was feeling irritated. Sensing that,
Somesh asked, "So Ashok, you wanted to say
something?" "Well, not
really..." "Hey, hope I am not
intruding into some conversation you guys were
having," Bhaskar chipped in. "Oh not at
all, nothing like that," Somesh said. So it was
back to the course of jokes and gossip much to the
chagrin of Ashok. At one point he lost his nerves and
just stomped out of the mess. Bhaskar looked at him in
a puzzled manner. "Is he ok?" he asked
Somesh. "Yeah, should be fine!" Even
Somesh could not understand this strange behaviour-for
in his maturity he had never even thought that love
can at times make you possessive too.

To be continued...