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I've been so eager to get to this chapter. Readers of Hi, I'm Lance will recognize a few of the flashbacks here. Hopefully it will bring about some good memories.

 

26

 

"I know you were briefly homeless. We haven't talked about that," Trevor said.

"It was actually the happiest year of my life," I said.

Trevor put down the pad and pen. He just peered into my eyes.

"Obviously, I don't understand," he said, puzzled.

"Not that particular moment, to be sure, but things changed when I turned 26. My birthday came and went with no type of celebration whatsoever. Since making those New Year's resolutions, I was maybe a little better. Less drinking, but I didn't stop. I tried to make a firm commitment to not drink on my birthday. I worked a shift. I came home at 7. Gunner and Kody were there."

 

"How was your day guys?" I said as I entered the room. I didn't necessarily care, but thought I'd make the effort to be polite.

They were at the kitchen table. Both of them grunted an answer. Neither were specific words. Just a sound to convey that the day was in no way special.

"Today's my birthday," I boldly said.

"Cool," Kody said, not looking up.

The room was quiet for 20 seconds. No reaction.

"Want to be fucked?" Gunner said with no emotion, ending the silence.

I chuckled. "Ha. No. I have plans," I lied.

I knew I had nothing planned. The first thing I wanted to do was grab a beer from the fridge. I resisted. I changed into a different shirt. It was a beautiful spring day. It wasn't yet dark, so I decided to walk to a nearby park. I sat on a bench overlooking a pond in the center of the park. I enjoyed seeing the sunset reflect on the surface of the water.

 

"I had two different roommates by this time. It was a few years after the art fair. Victor was still in the house though. The guys couldn't have cared less about my birthday, so I pretended to have plans. I enjoyed the quietness of a park 10 minutes from the house. I was content to just watch the sunset. A handsome man walked by with a dog. He was so frisky and playful — the dog, not the man."

Trevor made a small chuckle.

"I enjoyed petting the dog and giving him attention. The man was kind enough to let me do so. I always wanted a dog as a kid, but we never got one. We chatted a few minutes. It was truly a no-nothing evening, but I found myself enjoying it. The pain of no birthday celebration had kind of subsided with each year. This simple moment was relaxing. I felt like it was the best birthday I had remembered in years. The fact that I made it an entire day without drinking made me proud. I went back home after 10 to make it look like I had been somewhere. I made my bed and went to sleep with a smile on my face. I had gone a day without a drink."

"How long did you keep it up?"

"Two days. After the second one, I was crawling out of my skin. I wanted to go straight to the fridge and grab a beer every night. I had actually dropped two pounds since the beginning of the year. I was getting better. I started cooking better too. Less fries. Unfortunately on the third day, I went for the beer. I was just going to do one. I had two. I had two the next night. I knew I had a problem. I wrestled with myself for the following week. I made it another day. Then drank. Within a week, the floor dropped out."

"What do you mean?"

"Several of us were home on a Sunday evening. All my housemates, a boyfriend or two, maybe six of us in the house. Someone dropped a glass in the kitchen. It shattered. I quickly got up to clean it up. It would be naturally expected of me."

 

"Gunner, you are such a douche," Victor said of the incident.

"Whatever," he countered. "It was a simple accident."

"You are a bull in a china shop," Victor said. "You can just walk into a room, and `kreeessshh!'" he said imitating the sound of broken glass. "It's like a royal announcement."

"No, it's more of a `crrraaaakktschhhh!'" Kody imitated with a different inflection.

As I dumped the shattered pieces carefully into the trash, I heard them all imitate the crash.

"Jakob! Which one of us sounds more like the breaking glass?" Gunner said.

Four of them gave their impersonations of inanimate objects breaking. It was stupid and silly, but it gave us the giggles.

We all started challenging each other to mimic sounds: baseball cards in bicycle spokes, staplers, electric pencil sharpeners, the ice maker in the fridge, Kody's car.

 

"We started playing a game of imitating sounds, such as the broken glass. We would come up with something that challenged the other. It was stupid, but we laughed so hard. I guess you would have to be drinking — which we were — for it to be funny."

I got quiet. I knew where this story was going. I wasn't sure if I could tell Trevor. I hated remembering it. Trevor saw me pause. He waited patiently.

"To fully understand what happened, I ... I'm going to have to get kind of graphic," I said. "Kind of gross. Should I? Should I skip this?"

"You indicated it was a significant moment," Trevor said.

I nodded.

 

Kody liked chocolate syrup in milk. There was usually a bottle in the fridge. I challenged him to imitate that squelch. He tried, and everyone laughed. It was juvenile, but the moment was funny.

"That isn't even close," Gunner said. "That sounded more like my dick being pulled from Jakob's ass."

"Gaaahhh. Eww," everyone groaned.

"No, it doesn't," I quietly said. I didn't care for the comment.

"Fuck if it doesn't," Gunner boasted, taking a swig of his beer.

"I don't think so," I said. My whole demeanor had changed.

"Fuck that," Gunner said, getting up.

He left the room. He came back 30 seconds later with some lube and a huge dildo.

"Drop `em," he commanded.

"Gunner," Victor said in mild support of me.

"I don't want to," I said.

"Just do it. We're playing a game. We gotta find out."

"But ..."

"Just do as your told, house boy. Earn your keep."

Once again, in that instant, I hated my life. I didn't know why threats of having to leave the house intimidated me, but they did. To survive, I had to have some place to go. Reluctantly, I pulled down my pants.

The dildo was big. It had bulging veins sculpted into it.

"Here. I'll show you all!" Gunner said.

He moved the dildo into my ass. It was not forced, but it was not gentle. I winced in pain. I tried to relax and breathe to make it feel better. After fucking me with it for half a minute, he stopped.

"Now listen, you all," he said.

Everyone leaned forward to the sound it made when he pulled it out.

"That's not even close," Kody said.

"It needs to be smoother. I could get another dildo."

 

"Gunner was insistent that the sound someone made sounded like ... um ... like ... him pulling his dick from my ... um, ass. We argued and then he insisted he prove it. The comparison went on for quite a while. It started with a dildo. Then he tried other things. It was bad: a beer bottle, he lubed up a cucumber, he shoved an umbrella handle ... he suggested the TV remote and the other guys protested."

"Good heavens," Trevor whispered.

"'We have to touch that,' they all yelled. He finally just fucked me right there."

I couldn't believe I just said that out loud to someone. Was me talking about this horrible moment helpful at all? I hadn't realized I had ripped the extra tissue I had held in my hand. I was subtly shredding it.

"In front of everyone?" Trevor asked.

"Even his boyfriend."

"Were you okay with this?"

"No." I bowed my head. "I ... I ... didn't want it. I just wanted to go away."

"And the others just let you get raped? That's what it was Jakob. Rape."

"Gunner barked, `'You can only dream of having something this big, you short-dick runt. Be thankful I share my cock with you.' I heard that quite a bit. It just felt like part of my house duties. He would sometimes call me a sheep. I just took it. I had a roof over my head."

"This pains me to hear. I am so sorry you had to go through that, Jakob. Did you ever talk to anyone about it?"

"Like a counselor? I could barely buy food; I sure couldn't afford a therapist. I just decided that night I couldn't take it anymore. After he fucked me, I just went to my room. Room, ha. To the small office. I threw the futon down and just laid on it. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I think I just ... boiled. I wanted out. Out. The next day, I didn't feel any better. No change. Just seeing his room, I couldn't do it anymore. I threw everything I could into two boxes. It was mostly clothes. I grabbed a blanket and pillow and just put it all in my trunk and drove away."

"This is when you became homeless?"

"Yeah." I sat quiet for a moment. "I had nowhere to go. I drove to the parking lot of the grocery store I worked at."

"That's where you stayed?"

"Mostly. I found it very hard to sleep in my car. I like to lie flat."

"Same here. I can't sleep on planes."

"I tried the driver's seat. I tried the back seat. It wasn't good. I hardly ate. I started this downward slope of losing weight. No food. It would have been nice if I had stopped drinking, but I still managed to have at least two a night in my car."

"Did you have any type of game plan?"

"No. After a week, I showed up late to work. I was right there in the parking lot. I stumbled in. I hadn't showered in a few days. I'm sure I stank. The owner said he saw me drinking in the parking lot and asked if I was living in my car. I told him I was. He said I reeked, had the smell of alcohol on me and had become irresponsible. He let me go."

"Fired you. How sympathetic to someone living in a car."

"To be honest, I probably would have done the same. I was a mess. He said I couldn't park there. It wasn't good for the store. I drove near the park. I just wanted to lay flat. I tried sleeping on the benches a couple of times. I hated it. It wasn't soft or comfortable. But I could lie flat. I had my blanket over me. I'd go back to the car but couldn't sleep well. I had to on the nights it rained. One morning I was awakened by a police officer after I slept on the park bench. He told me what I was doing wasn't safe. He said I should go to the shelter. But he left me alone. I wondered where the shelter was, but I didn't know how it all worked. The next day, a woman saw me curled up on the bench in my blanket in the morning. A nun if you can believe that."

 

"Hello, young man. How long has it been since you've had something to eat?" the kind lady asked.

"I'm sorry?"

"Are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?"

"Oh. You're nice, but ... I'm not worth bothering with. I'm not anybody important."

"We're all God's children. Each of us is a gift."

"A gift. Yeah. No. Not me. Thank you ..."

"Sister Julie."

"Thank you, Sister Julie. Wow, a nun. Then I'm certainly not worth your time."

"If I brought you something to eat, would you accept it?"

"Really, I'm not worth this trouble."

"You didn't answer my question."

I bowed my head. "Yes. I'm very hungry."

Ten minutes later, Sister Julie arrived with a turkey sandwich, an apple, some juice, carrot sticks and a bottled water. As I started eating, I didn't realize I was engulfing it so fast. I slowed down but surprised myself as my eyes wouldn't stop watering. Tears continued to go down my cheeks.

"Tell me why you are crying, young man."

"Jakob. With a K."

"I don't know what to do. I have only a little money left and nowhere to go. I ... don't know what to do. I ... just wish I had a bed."

"Well, Jakob, would you be willing to walk with me to the shelter?"

"I don't know where it is."

"I do. I can go with you. There are some kind people there."

Fifteen minutes later we walked to the shelter and Sister Julie introduced me to Gerard.

 

"She gave me food and got me to the shelter. The beds there weren't much more than cots, but they had simple mattresses. It was better than the bench. I could lie flat. I met a kind man named Gerard. He was a blessing."

"Jakob, you'd been abused, lost your job and were homeless. I don't understand. Why would you say this was the happiest year of your life?"

"I met Lance. Those were the steps that brought us together."

"Tell me more."

"Gerard was a very kind man. I'm not sure why he showed me attention, but he helped me stay clean, eventually got me a simple job at QT, made sure I at least had a meal each day. It's funny, I dropped pounds quickly. I tried so hard to not drink. When I got to the shelter, I still managed to walk to my car and have something almost every night. One night I heard a knock on my door. It was Gerard; he wanted in the car. He listened to me as I told him I wanted to quit. I sobbed in front of him. He said for him to help me get a job, I would need to start attending AA. He went to two open meetings with me."

 

"Hi, I'm Ophelia. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Ophelia," the group replied.

"It's tough right now. My husband is just beginning to let me see my daughter without any supervision. Even my daughter is starting to come around. She saw me at my worst. Those thoughts just destroy me. I can never erase those images from my mind. But every day I am getting stronger. Those moments keep me sober.

"My job is going okay. I'm feeling better about myself.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

I sat and listened to each person who made a share. I couldn't possibly get up there. No one ever listened to me anyway. But I intently paid attention to each one. Gerard sat next to me. He put his arm around me. He escorted me up to the chairperson that first evening to get my initial chip. We had a few questions. If I would go regularly for two weeks, he said he'd help me get a job. That was the plan. I hung in there. After the first two, I started going to closed meetings. I still talked to Gerard if he was there when I got back. If he wasn't, I did the next day.

It took courage, but I finally was brave enough to say something at my fifth meeting.

"Hi, I'm Jakob. I ... I guess ... yeah ... I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Jakob."

"First, I'm terrified. I'm not one to get up in front of people. Second, I don't know what to say. My past is too awful for me to talk about. Now. Maybe. We'll see.

"People always misspell my name. It's with a K, not a C. But people don't listen to me anyway.

"I do feel good about one thing. I haven't had a drink in almost two weeks. I ... I don't think I can say that about any period of time in the last five years. Part of me is screaming to have a drink. My body just wants to do it ... like auto pilot. But every day that I don't ... I just feel better. My thinking is clearer. I don't know. I just feel better. Don't get me wrong. I still want one every night, but I feel like I am strong enough to hang tough. Part of that ... a lot of that ... is because of these meetings. These are good for me. I don't feel alone.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

 

"I was pretty diligent. I stayed with it. After the two weeks, Gerard went to work on finding me a job. He is such a kind man."

"Do you still see him?" Trevor asked.

"Not often. After we moved to Von, it was harder, but when we drive back to Jackson Bend, I try to pop in and say hello. We talk on the phone about once a month."

"And Lance?"

"We met through AA."

"Was Lance going to AA when you started?"

"No. I had been going quite a few weeks before he started. I was intrigued with him from the beginning. He attended a few meetings but didn't say anything. I thought he was handsome, but probably too young for me. Too handsome for me too. Not that I would date anybody. It wasn't until his first share that I found out he was gay."

 

"Hi, I'm Lance. And I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Lance," the group replied.

"Um ... I've never been up here before. In fact, that's the first time I've said those words out loud. I'm ... I was going to ..."

Lance froze. He didn't know where to start. Ophelia was on the front row. He happened to look at her. Her eyes understood. She smiled at him and nodded.

"I'm probably not going to be very good at this," Lance continued. "When I came to my first meeting, I heard all these people come up and share. I thought to myself, `I don't have these problems; I don't belong here.' By the end of the meeting, I thought all those people were brave. None of them expected for their lives to unravel. I mean, no one plans for that, right? But mine had unraveled. When I listened to all the stories, I thought my life was nothing like that — it hadn't gotten that bad. But look around here tonight. I'm the youngest one here and ... and ..."

The tears started. Lance tried to gasp in a breath, but that didn't help. Tears went down his cheeks, and he wiped them on his sleeve. The group remained quiet. I empathized with him. He obviously had a place to live, but I could tell he felt lost, a little like I did. He looked at the group through tears and saw none of them were judging. Ophelia stepped up and handed him a tissue, then returned to her seat.

"Thank you." He wiped his eyes and blew his nose. "I'm the youngest one here — two months out of college — and I've already made enough mistakes to hurt people, endanger my job and total my car. So, yeah, I belong here."

He held up his hand and showed a broken wrist. Some of the attendees showed sympathy on their faces. I did.

"I'm in love with my best friend. I'm gay. And that's the first time I've said those words out loud too. My friend would try to correct me and say I'm bisexual ... and maybe that's right ... but I can't help feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling myself I wasn't gay. It's too late for the two of us now. He's come out and fallen in love with someone else. I can't blame him; his boyfriend is a magnificent guy. I waited too long to get my shit together. I mean, we're still the best of friends, but no matter how much I want it to be more, I sort of screwed that up by dragging my feet. I just told myself I enjoyed fooling around, that's all, but I really wasn't gay."

His story intrigued me. I knew when I had developed feelings for Anson that I was gay. Lance was very open. I could never have been that brave during my first share. Lance reminded me of a wounded animal.

"And so, I would drink another beer. Then another. At first, I just had beer in the apartment. I mean, college, you know? Then feelings for Tr ... my friend ... grew. I'd try to push those away. I had a beer. Then I started `fooling around'" ... he put in air quotes ... "with some guys and I'd drink beer afterward to numb all those feelings again. I'd sleep with girls in between. I felt that would convince me I wasn't gay. It would help squash any rumors too. When I'd get home from those dates, as much as I thought they'd help, I guess they didn't. I would grab a beer.

"Soon, it didn't even matter if I had a reason or not. I just reached for more and more. I placed a bottle of whiskey in the apartment in case I just wanted a shot instead of taking time to drink a whole can. It wasn't a problem. I just enjoyed something to drink. That's what I kept telling myself.

"My friend was getting his life together. He was so confident. He had just come out and took control of his life. I was 180 degrees the opposite. I just kept suppressing everything. He thought I was so lucky to have a job lined up at graduation. All I could think about was he would be going away. I would lose him after graduation was over. He's stayed in town. Has a great job now that he seems to love. So, I still get to see him. Thank God. But I just went through every day in a fog. I never felt ... good. Except when I was with him. Or even with him and his boyfriend. I was myself with them. I didn't hide. Until I had to admit it. Then I retreated again. I was probably the worst case of being in denial. It was so obvious, yet I guess I thought I could wave it away. Or in my case... drink.

"When I totaled the car, I saw my father in the hospital. I felt like an absolute failure to him. Dad has never judged me." Lance's voice started to whimper. "He's been an awesome dad. But I knew I had fucked up for the last time. I wanted to be better. Thank heavens the judge gave me a court order to come here. I'm supposed to come 10 times for my license to no longer be suspended. But if it helps me not drink ... I ... I will probably keep coming. Wow ... was that scary to just say out loud. I'm 22 and I'm stuck with ... this ..." he said, waving his arms around the room to indicate the environment of the AA meeting. "... I guess for a long time. But as long as it helps keep me from drinking, I don't care. I never want to again. I never want my father to see me in the hospital like ... that ... again."

"Uh ... I guess that's all. I guess I rambled a bit. I don't know if I've been up here two minutes or 20, but ... I'm glad you listened. Maybe that means I needed to say it out loud. I'm ... I'm not good at this. I'm sorry. But ... thank you."

The group clapped.

This man seemed so vulnerable. He was a handsome college guy. You'd think he'd have a lot going for him. Alcohol had taken its toll on him too. I thought I was young, but he was even younger. I hoped he would keep coming. It sounded like the court order would make him come for a while. It was nice to have someone else gay in the group. Cooper came once when I had attended. Being a dad and then admitting to yourself you're gay had to be tough. It's nice to know the three of us aren't alone in that regard. I decided to make an effort to talk to people after the meetings. Maybe there were potential friends here.

 

"Lance's first share was ... you could tell he felt broken. I empathized. He was obviously in a better position than me. His family was completely fine financially. But he ... he felt lost, just like I had felt earlier that year. Well, for years."

"How did the two of you ... become involved?"

"Several in the group started going out for coffee or whatnot afterward. Lance included me one night. We talked a lot. I never felt like people listened to me. He did. Immediately. It's odd how he would talk so negatively about himself. I thought he was so kind. He helped me slowly reconnect to my family."

"Wow. That's big."

"It was. Huge. He talked me into taking a birthday card to my mother — after nine years. It started a domino effect of slowly entering their lives again. First the card, then texts from my sister, a meeting with her ... and, ohhhh, Friendsgiving."

"Friendsgiving?" Trevor asked.

"We lost a friend to suicide in our AA group. Even though our friend Trent wasn't in the group, the news hit him hard. Really deep. He started a tradition of the weekend before Thanksgiving being dedicated to friends. It was wonderful. My sister brought my mother for the first time. It changed everything. Lance changed everything."

I hadn't realized I had become so animated talking about Lance to Trevor. My whole body language had changed.

"You say Trent. Is this the playwright Trent Kyriazi?"

"Yes. I'm kind of jumping ahead. Trent and Lance were best friends. In fact, Lance was deeply in love with him. I think part of him always will be."

"But ... this still continues? This friendship? That's very understanding — and brave — of you," Trevor hesitantly observed.

"It's all good. Lance and I fell in love. People in AA are advised not to get involved the first year. We didn't mean to, really, but ... we just connected. Trent and his partner, now husband, became our best friends. We did so much together. It's no wonder Lance loved him; Trent is wonderful. I love both him and his husband so much. We are very close."

"So how did you and Lance fall in love?"

 

Well, that was that. I kissed him. Lance is sure to avoid me like the plague after that. I was glad I did though. He was so nice. I wondered why Lance was so helpful. I hoped Mom enjoyed finding the card in the door.

The shelter was in its darkened state. There was just enough light for people to navigate around. I could make out the darkened light fixtures on the ceiling. I wasn't sleepy. My pulse was surging, and I wasn't sure of the cause. Was it because I had surprised Lance with that kiss or was it the chance of Mom finding the letter? What if Dad found it first and didn't show her? Lance had encouraged me to leave a phone number. Would anyone call? Did anyone in my family care about me? I tried not to get my hopes up. It was so strange to be back at my old house. I had always been afraid to even drive by.

I rolled over on my side. Mrs. Wainwright made her way to the bathroom in the dark. She usually did that around midnight. She was early tonight.

I thought about Lance again. For some reason that calmed me. Even though I ruined the chance of becoming friends by kissing him, I had come to think of him as being kind, not just handsome. He reminded me of Graham. I had no idea why he helped me buy that card. He didn't have to do that. I probably ruined the chance to go out for coffee with the others after meetings, but maybe I still could, even if Lance was freaked out. I hoped he didn't start avoiding me.

What would Mom think when she saw the card?

 

"I mentioned that members from our group went out after meetings. Lance and I talked one night. It's funny, my feelings for him changed all over the place. My first impression was that he seemed vulnerable. Then I temporarily thought he was arrogant. But not long after that, he helped me reconnect with my family. I saw so much kindness in his heart. After the roommates I had, I wasn't used to someone being so nice. Regularly. He had so many reasons not to have to deal with all my baggage, and he just stepped in. This ... this gesture of getting a birthday card to my mother ... I don't know. I was really touched by his thoughtfulness. I gave him a simple kiss that night. Impulsive. It was kind of a thank you. I just wanted to do it. I figured we wouldn't do anything ever again, particularly after that. But we did. We became drawn to each other."

 

"You'd never want me. The whole me," I said.

Lance looked perplexed. He didn't understand what I meant.

"Well, you're lucky enough to get up and tell the whole group how big a cock you have. I can't. I don't have a big dick. It's not big at all. You wouldn't be interested in me," I said with sorrow in my voice.

"Hey, don't judge me like that. Like size matters," Lance said defensively.

"Oh, it matters. How many porn movies show guys with small cocks?"

"I haven't seen a lot of ..."

"Magazines, movies, erotica ... it's always about guys who have huge cocks. Any TV show in which a woman is trying to put a man down, it's always a joke about his small penis. People chuckle, but it hurts every time. It's what your born with, but people look down on you."

"No. I don't think ..."

"Stop," I said. "I can't tell you how many times I heard a guy fuck me with some huge object or a big dick and say, `You can only dream of having something this big, you short-dick runt.'"

"You have got to be kidding me. That is NOT me. Please don't ever think I would treat you that way."

"I know, Lance. You've been so kind. Remember my share?"

"I like you, Jakob. I like our time together. I mean, some of the stuff is pretty hard to hear, but ... there is a lot of niceness under the pain. No one should have to put up with that abuse. I will never do that. I like you. I like spending time with you. You are honest with me. Trent and I don't hold anything back. Neither do you."

"Well. I don't have a lot of good qualities, but I'm not a liar. Mom and Dad always taught me to tell the truth. Clearly, I did ... and they kicked me out. But, thanks, Lance. I like you too. I don't deserve a friend as nice as you."

"You deserve so much more than you know."

With all my mistakes, I didn't feel like I deserved anything at all. The only thing I ever wanted was a bed.

"I doubt it. Maybe," I said softly.

I did like Lance. A lot. Not since Graham had anyone treated me so nicely. I wasn't sure why Lance and I connected, but ... we could never go further, romantically at least. I was living in a shelter and had very little money. He seemed vulnerable right now, but I knew he would eventually move on.

"I'll ask you something. It's completely okay to say no," he quietly noted. "I'd like you to share my bed tonight."

"Like I said ..."

"Hear me out. How about we just share the bed. No sex. Just ... being together."

I wasn't sure what he was asking. Sleep ... with no sex? What's in it for him? I'd kill to do that — to be in a real bed, but it was so dangerous. I always drank after sex. If we didn't do anything, would I still be tempted? I couldn't fully understand his offer.

"I wasn't ... I don't know if ... Lance, that might be too risky for me."

"I understand. Only if you want. But, just sharing. That's all. Nothing more. I like being held if you feel comfortable with that."

I thought about it for a few minutes. I longed to be in a real bed. Those times are so nice. There were times that a bed had more allure than the alcohol. Those rare nights with Graham and Jackson were about the only nights I was actually in a bed. Could I really do this? We talked about how it would work in terms of getting to our jobs. That would be easy enough.

I got my car and drove us to his apartment. Lance left his bike chained near the city center. He had totaled his car, and his license was still suspended. It was 10 o'clock when we got to his apartment. He got embarrassed by the appearance of his bedroom.

"Sorry. Let me pick up a few things."

"Lance, you don't have to do that. But can I ask a favor? While you fiddle with that, can I take a shower?"

"Yeah, of course."

He got me a fresh towel and one of his T-shirts. I left the door cracked a couple of inches just in case he suspected I might be doing something in there. Could he possibly suspect that if I didn't have a home I might be a thief? He seemed too nice for that, but how well did he really know me? The shower felt incredible as if rinsing off years of my life. Five minutes later, I was done and drying my hair with his dryer.

I felt better, my mood was slightly cheerful.

"That was nice," I said.

"I can't imagine what that shower looks like," he sheepishly said.

"Think of where I shower now."

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll shower before heading to work tomorrow." Lance tried to be a good host. "Do you need anything? Water? Juice? Anything to eat?"

"I never have anything at night, so I'm okay."

Lance ran to the kitchen for a moment. He returned with a bottled water.

"Just in case you need something."

He pulled off his shirt and took off his shorts. He wore only briefs to bed. I kept the T-shirt on and the briefs I had worn that day. I placed the water on the nightstand closest to the bathroom. He went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

"Oh, I don't have that. Might you have some mouthwash?"

"I do."

We spent a couple minutes in the bathroom. He took a leak. He turned the bathroom light off as we re-entered the bedroom. Lance turned on a lamp and turned out the overhead light. We slid into bed.

"Wow. This feels nice," I said as I felt the mattress below me. The soft, cushiony fabric gently gave way to my body weight. Everyone in the world takes it for granted, but each time I felt a bed under me, I thought it was just like a gift from heaven.

As we lay there, I was a foot away from him. I still assumed he would want sex.

"I do have one thing to request. I don't believe in sleeping with someone that I don't know their last name," Lance said.

"We are only sleeping." Or so I thought. I paused. "But it's Morgan."

"And I'm Lance Wheeling." He paused. Lance turned to look at me. "Are you okay? I mean, with all of this?"

"Yes. Thank you," I said. I got quiet as I realized he was also taking a risk. I was homeless. I could just get up in the middle of the night and take anything. Why was he being so kind? "Lance, thank you even more for trusting me."

"What do you mean?"

"We've only begun to get to know each other. In most ways, I'm a stranger. You are taking a risk to trust me in your home. What if I was a thief or a serial killer?"

"Are you a thief or a serial killer?"

"No."

"All right then," he said before giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"But ... it's still a risk. Thank you for trusting me." I meant it. At what point would he realize I just had too much baggage to carry with me.

His hand locked fingers with mine.

"Thank you for trusting me," he said back. "I'm glad I've gotten to know you, Jakob."

He reached over to turn out the light.

"Good night," he said.

"Uh ... yeah. Good night."

He had let go of my hand, and we lay there in the darkness. Neither of us touched each other in any way.

After a minute, I said, "Lance?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do."

"I don't understand."

"Is there something you want me to do?"

"I only want what's best for you."

I chuckled. "Any idea what that is?"

He also chuckled when I said that. "Whatever you want. I do like to be held. If you are comfortable with that, I'd like it. But if you aren't, I'm just very happy knowing you are in a real bed."

I was perplexed. I didn't deserve this kindness. Lance's thoughtful heart impressed me to no end. It surpassed Graham's sympathy. The little time Lance and I had spent together was really nice. He was a good friend. But now I was in his bed; it confused me. I slowly rolled over and put my arm around him. It had been so long since I slept alongside someone. It felt incredible. Simple, but amazing. Just like with Graham, I loved being next to someone. I still didn't understand why Lance was doing all this for me, but I had to admit that I felt ... good. I smelled fresh from his nice soaps. It was just nice to feel clean. And a bed — a bed! And my arm was around a handsome, young guy.

"I like that," he said.

"Me too."

Thoughts swirled every which way. I wasn't sleepy. I lay next to a kind, beautiful man. Part of me was stunned that it even happened. The bed felt so good. Feelings for Lance were coming to the surface. Ten minutes later, I said, "Lance?"

"Yeah?" he said, still not asleep.

"Can I kiss you good night?"

"I'd like that."

He turned around toward me, and we leaned in. Our lips pressed together. He pulled back, not sure how much I wished to do. My hand gently touched his face and pulled him closer. We kissed for a minute.

"You're a very nice man, Lance Wheeling. Good night."

 

"The two of us shouldn't be a perfect fit, but we somehow worked into it."

"What do you mean?" Trevor asked.

"Why we shouldn't fit or why we somehow worked?"

"Both, I suppose."

"We were so opposite. He was handsome, I wasn't. He had a good job, I didn't. His family had money. I didn't. He was super endowed, I wasn't. Sorry, that was crass. I'm sorry. He seemed to have it all, except for the alcoholism. I had practically nothing to my name."

"Clearly Lance didn't think you were that different. He seemed to like you, right?"

"Yes. I was firmly convinced he was an angel sent from God. It was the only reason I could think he would bother with me. I gave him that pet name."

"Were you afraid to start a relationship with him? Did he intimidate you?"

"Not to mention that I was afraid to have sex."

"What do you mean?"

"Sex and drinking ... it was a combination for so many years. I was living in a shelter at that time, so ... I sure couldn't take him back to my place. But I don't think either of us expected to fall for the other. We just needed a friend. We were both struggling with personal things. But ... slowly ... we just were drawn to each other. He was so kind to take things as slowly as I wanted. There was no way I was going to take a drink, so I resisted sex for a long time."

"Sex isn't a requirement in a relationship, particularly one that is starting out."

"I didn't see the world that way. But Lance ... he ... he was just so thoughtful and caring. There was a level of trust that really moved me. He really was just like an angel."

"I'm glad it worked out. I'm sure it wasn't easy."

 

What if Trent said no? What if he thought I was a crazy person? Or worse, what if he thought I was completely wrong for Lance?

I knew it hadn't even been two months yet, but I had fallen in love with Lance. I knew it. As much as I thought maybe it was too fast, Lance was everything I needed. I hoped we would last. But it could never work if Trent didn't like me. Lance respected his best friend's opinion too much. They were so close.

My hands were getting a little sweaty. I was so nervous. I needed this to go well. I almost regretted asking Trent to meet me.

Crap! I saw him pulling in from the shelter entrance. He was early. He parked his car and waited for me on the bench. Crap. This had to go well. I slowly walked up to him. He smiled at me.

"I'm curious," Trent said, as I sat down next to him.

He wondered why I had asked to meet. I couldn't blame him. I'm sure a call from me out of the blue had to be mysterious. I so needed this to go well. My heart was pounding; I couldn't figure out why I was so nervous. Perhaps it was because I was about to do something that could make it all blow up in my face.

"Thanks for meeting me," I said. "I hope you don't think me silly, but I ... wanted to ask ... kind of a favor."

"Okay ..." Trent said hesitantly. He probably thought I was going to ask for money.

"Trent, you and Lance are closer than any friends I've ever seen."

"Thanks. Yeah. It's funny, several months ago I thought he was pretty arrogant. We were just teammates. But eventually he let me see ... you know, what he is like on the inside. We opened up to each other. I could tell him anything. I love Lance. I always will. I couldn't ask for a better best friend."

"He loves you too," I said. I knew why I asked him here, but I hesitated. "But ... what I want to ask you ..."

I lost my courage.

"Go on, Jakob."

"I want you to like me," I blurted out.

"Wait! What? Why don't you ..."

"Be honest, Trent. I don't look good on paper. Doesn't have his own place. Doesn't have hardly any money. Works a simple job. Alcoholic. And I'm sure not as handsome as you."

"Jakob..."

"I'm a realist, Trent. I've been through enough garbage in the past years, I try to not gloss over what is real and what is not real. I know you had to think I was the wrong person for him."

I put my hand on Trent's shoulder, hoping it would convey my urgent sincerity.

"Trent, I love Lance. I'm in love with Lance. I've never said those words to him, but ..."

"You should," he immediately suggested.

"But what if that is too much? What if I freak him out? What if I come off too clingy?"

"What have you asked from him so far?" Trent inquired.

"Nothing," I assured. "I just wanted to take things slow at first. My past ... was not good. Romance was not a thing. I was used more than loved. Well, I was never loved ... really."

Thoughts of Victor and Kody and Gunner and Timothy entered my thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I can't even imagine what you've had to go through."

"Lance is the first person I've ever truly loved — at least since high school. I don't believe in Love at First Sight, but it didn't take long for me to find something special about Lance. We became close not because of our shortcomings, but in spite of them. I've known I loved him for a while now, even though I've said nothing."

"Tell him, Jakob. Trust me. And as someone who fell for Mike just as quickly, I know how feelings can hit you fast. You two seem to be taking things at a reasonable pace. I take it you are ... staying over from time to time?"

"The sex is fucking hot," I bluntly said. I regretted it the second I said it. I'm sure it came off as perverted.

Trent laughed. "Okay then, things have indeed moved further along."

"Trent, Lance looks up to you, confides in you ... you mean so much to him. I need you to like me. If you don't, I don't think I could ever really have an honest chance with him. You probably don't think I'm enough for him, but I would do anything to make him happy."

Trent took my hand. He squeezed it.

"Jakob. Jakob. I've seen a spark in Lance like I never did in school. He seemed so dulled by alcohol that he went through his days on autopilot. When we opened up to each other, I could see the real Lance, but he often hid it. Now, I think he's a superstar. You put that sparkle in him, Jakob. I know it's you. Yeah, I was a bit concerned when I pictured two alcoholics seeing each other. Not to fault you for your past, but I was wondering if you could somehow drag him back to the drinking days. But you two are awesome together. You're strong. I'm happy for you."

"Really?"

"Really. I do like you, Jakob. And I thank you for making my best friend happy."

He stood up. "Stay here," he told me.

Trent walked away to his car. This was odd. I didn't think I had offended him. He didn't seem hurt in any way. I was confused. He came back with a bag. It had tissue sticking out the top. When he returned to the bench, he handed it to me.

"I got this for you."

I was sure I looked stunned. What was this? What was going on? Was this a gift? How was that possible?

"For me? I – I – I don't understand."

"You will. Look inside."

I pulled out the tissue. I reached in and lifted out a rolled shirt.

"It matches the one I gave Lance. When we presented it to him on his birthday and told him that Mike and I had bought matching ones, I immediately felt like I left you out. I regretted that. I'd feel much happier if the four of us matched."

It was like a warm, fuzzy lightning bolt clapped through my chest. I wanted to but tried not to cry. My eyes watered but I held it back. I just looked at Trent in the face. It was more than what I could have hoped for. I had been so scared that Trent would tell me he didn't think I was right for Lance, and now ... THIS. I hugged him. Trent gave me a firm hug back.

"How did you have this ready? You didn't even know what I was going to say?" I asked.

"If it was the right moment, I knew I wanted to have it. I've thought about it for days. I stopped by after work to pick it up."

"It's no wonder Lance loves you," I said to him.

Trent took out his phone and opened up the screen. After a couple of taps, he held it up to me.

"This is my phone number. Please put it in your cell. I want you to be able to call me if you need to."

I pulled out my phone. It looked positively ancient to his. Once I had done that, Trent asked if he could take a selfie of us. He then put me in his contacts.

"Can I offer you dinner?" he asked.

"That's very sweet, Trent. But I can't ask that."

"I'd like to."

"And I'd enjoy that, but I'm trying to depend upon myself and not let others take care of me. It's silly but ..."

"It's not silly; it's responsible."

"They will have something for me at the shelter," I said, figuring there would be a simple sandwich and an apple there.

"Okay. But just so you know, treating someone to dinner is something friends do, so I hope you will let this be a rain check. I'd enjoy it one night. You let me know when."

"Thanks, Trent. That would be nice. Maybe soon."

I looked down at the shirt again. I folded the tissue paper neatly, trying to make it flat again and put it in the bag.

We stood and hugged. Trent made his way back to his car and I walked to the shelter. I held the shirt to my chest. I was trying not to accept things from people; I wanted to be capable of supporting myself. But this was a gift. It made me feel so included in this circle of friends that was forming. I let tears start. I knew Trent was out of eyesight now, so I wiped the tears away with the shirt. I didn't really want to get anything on it, but I figured that would dry easily. I paused a minute before going back inside. I wasn't sure why this simple gift affected me this way. I guess kindness wasn't common enough for me. I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I hadn't received anything on my last eight birthdays. I had stopped caring about them. Trent's simple gesture reminded me of the good times I remembered that made birthdays special to me when I was a kid.

I laid on my small bed. As I stared at the dingey ceiling above me and the plain light fixtures, I daringly allowed myself to think on the future. Trent actually approved of me. Could Lance and I have a chance? I was so scared to tell him I loved him, but if we did try to keep this going, how long could I stay here? I was committed to working as hard as I could to save enough to get my own place — or share a place. But when could that be? I wanted to think of Lance and me as a couple next month and the month after that, but at some point, our differences would become an issue. It was just like when I was back at the restaurant. Not having a bed — or a place — of my own was a real roadblock in trying to have a relationship.

After eating a sandwich and a banana, I lied back down on my bed. Lights were dimmed at 9; they went dark at 10. After I brushed my teeth, I was aware of people turning in for the evening. In the low lighting I could see them preparing to sleep if they weren't already. I lay there thinking about Lance again. I spent a lot of my day thinking about him. My feelings for him were so strong. It was all so good. It scared me to death that the possibility existed that it could all fall apart — easily. At some point he would realize he could do better. I couldn't survive that. I loved him. I truly loved him. Would telling him that be a good idea or a bad idea? Trent thought I should. Maybe I should.

The lights went almost dark at 10. I took out the shirt Trent gave me. I wanted it on. I pulled my shirt off and slipped into it. As silly as I thought it was, I felt friendship all over me. I was happy.

 

"I wouldn't say it was easy. Surprisingly, we worked. It was like both of us were broken and we helped each other get better. I would often feel ... a wave of emotion coming over me. Lance accepted me. Trent and Mike did. Ophelia and Cooper and others at AA were nice friends. It was so different than the horrible roommates I had earlier in the year. I was happy enough to where it scared me that I would wake up and it had all been a dream. It seemed too good to be true — and yet, it was kind of funny to feel that because I was living in a shelter."

"Love will make you feel that way."

"And I was in love. But sex and alcohol went hand in hand for me. I was so worried after being used for sex all those years ..."

"Abused."

"... maybe. I just knew I could never truly love again. Sex had been so distorted. I thought if I had sex I would go back to drinking. The two were always so attached. Lance was caring. So gentle. So tender. So understanding. I couldn't believe how — perfect — he was. We just fit into a groove; it was easy to fall for him."

 

Lance's roommate Evan watched the news with us. Once it was finished, we all went to our bedrooms. I was excited to stay over once again but a little nervous too. Lance was content to just share the bed with me without sex. I didn't want him to think I was a weird-o or high maintenance. I was afraid sex would make me want to drink. I just couldn't do that. I had come this far without drinking. I liked being sober. I liked me sober.

I grabbed my grocery bag. I remembered a toothbrush this time and had it wrapped in a paper towel.

"I have something I want to show you," Lance said.

We went into the bathroom. He pointed to the second drawer from the bottom. "I cleared this for you."

He opened the drawer and in it were brand new items still in packages: a new toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, a brush and comb, a small box of condoms and a small bottle of mouthwash. There was room if I needed anything else. As if I would own anything special.

"When you stay over, I want you to have personal things of your own. I want it to feel welcoming."

I stared into the drawer. There were condoms. Lance had been awesome about not pressuring me. I guess those are there if the time was ever right. I wanted the time to be right. I'd love to make love to him. I just couldn't risk a relapse. We always drank when we had sex at the house. I looked at my simple toothbrush wrapped in a paper towel. This drawer was such a lovely gesture.

"This is really sweet, Lance," I said.

I leaned over to give him a simple kiss. Then we hugged.

"I really don't know what to say," I added.

"There's nothing to say. I enjoy it when you stay here, and I want you to enjoy it too."

 

"Lance would do simple things, little things, but I knew he cared. They may have been small, but his gestures felt huge," I said, looking Trevor in the eyes.

"Quite often, actions can equal the power of words," Trevor replied.

 

"I can tell you've cleaned," I said, squirting toothpaste on my new brush. "There's still a hint of Pinesol lingering."

He chuckled. "The first time was a tad embarrassing."

We both brushed our teeth, peed and brushed our hair.

He was back in the bedroom first. He took everything off except his underwear. I would love us to be naked, but I resisted the temptation. I kept my T-shirt on, along with my briefs. We slid into the sheets, kissed and I turned out the lights.

"I'm glad you're here," he said, rolling over to hold me.

He placed his head on my chest as I had done with his before. He could hear my heart this time. I had to admit it was nice. I loved our moments together. I sifted my fingers through his hair. I hadn't been this close to anyone since Anson. Intimacy used to be magic. I hated that alcohol ruined it all for me.

"When was the last time you really struggled with not drinking, Lance?"

He lifted his head. "I don't know. Why? Are you okay?"

"I'm very okay. I love being here with you."

"Good," he said, returning his ear to my chest.

"I don't want to screw it up."

"You won't. I know who you are, and I accept you for who you are," he kindly offered.

That was too broad to be true. We seemed to have connected, but this was early stages. How long would Lance simply want to go at this pace I was at. I longed to be truly romantic with him, but ... I hadn't had a drink for so long now. I didn't want to ruin everything I had worked so hard for.

"After a while, you may not want to take it slow. You may need more than I can give," I said.

He moved on top of me and placed his lips on mine. We entered into a deep kiss. It was electric for me.

"Let's just handle that if it ever comes up. For now, I'm just happy to have you."

We kissed some more. I felt sure we could both feel our penises getting hard. Underwear or not, they were pressed together. Lance had to want sex. He had to. He was so kind to not force it on me. It killed me not to go to that point.

"I haven't wanted a drink since I met you," I said. "When I started AA and listened to others, it felt good to know that I wasn't alone; being in a group helped. But I often wanted a drink before going to bed. In a shelter, I couldn't do that. Well, some people probably sneak some in, but I didn't even have the money to really get it. If I ever screwed this ... us ... up, I'm scared that I wouldn't cope."

He was still looking into my eyes, even though the room was mostly dark.

"You won't screw this up," he insisted. "And if something unforeseen did happen, you are strong enough to keep moving forward. You said it yourself, you're a survivor. Drinking is no longer surviving. It's the opposite."

"At some point, what if you decide you don't want me? I know I can't live up to your expectations."

He rolled off me and held me in his arms.

"How do you even know what my expectations are?"

"You're gorgeous, I'm not. You've got a huge dick. I don't. You have money. I'm living in a shelter. It doesn't add up. With your looks and your cock, you can have any guy you want."

"It doesn't necessarily work that way." He looked at me intensely, making sure I was looking back. "Do you really think I can have any guy I want?" he said softly mere inches from my lips.

"Yeah." I knew he was a catch.

"That's good to know, because I want you."

His answer made my heart soar even though I couldn't fully believe it. He kissed me. We kissed for several minutes. I wrapped my arms around him. They held him tight. I occasionally caressed his shoulders. I let one travel down to hold one of his ass cheeks. We kissed another moment then I pulled away. I was taking it too far. I wouldn't be able to resist the full temptation if I didn't stop.

"I should be careful," I said.

"Okay, we can turn in." He gave me one last quick kiss. "Good night, baby."

We lay there in the darkness. I put my arm around him. He called me "baby." He had never done that before. He called me "baby." Baby. I loved that. He reached up to put his hand on top of mine and held it to his chest. I pressed my body further into his. I was hard. My bulge was pressed into his hip. I wondered if he could feel it.

 

—

 

Something awakened me. Instantly I needed to pee. It was 3:15 in the morning. When I flushed the toilet, I thought about lying next to him and wanted to be naked. I hadn't slept naked with someone since Jackson almost two years ago. Graham was a few years before that. The bathroom door opened, and I made the decision to completely undress in the dark. I moved back into the bed between the sheets.

I rolled on my side to hold Lance again. Both of us seemed to love being held. I knew I did.

Several minutes later, we heard Evan in the kitchen. He probably didn't mean to make a noise, but he had obviously bumped something in the dark. Probably a chair. Now awake, Lance wanted to roll over and hold me.

As he moved, I moved in tandem. We moved as one. He placed his arm over my chest. I could feel him run his fingers through my chest hair and playfully tease it in his fingers. I held my breath. Gently, he rubbed the hair around my nipple. That. Felt. So. Good. My erection was at full mast.

He realized I wasn't wearing the T-shirt. He had been feeling my chest and he let his hand roam. His fingers were magic wands as they moved around my chest enjoying the feeling of touching my body. He followed the hair into the stripe that went down to my navel. He rubbed my belly. His hand was so close to my cock. It yearned to be found. His hand lowered and felt my bush. Then my hard cock. I inhaled all the oxygen in the room. He was fully aware I had climbed back into bed naked. What would he think? Would he like it? Would he be mad? Was this a mistake?

I rolled toward him on my back. Lance pulled his hand away.

"I'm sorry," he softly said.

I wasn't. I reached for his hand and put it on my hard-on again. He wrapped his hand around my spike. It was incredibly hard. The touch of another man was heaven.

"So, as you can tell, this is what you get when you choose me. I'm not you. Not close to being you. I will not be able to be what you want me to be. I'm sorry, Lance."

"For what? Being a man? It's not like we get to choose our anatomy. To be honest, I like how it feels."

He rubbed my erection for a minute. I loved it. I was terrified. I had led us to sexual territory. If anything went wrong, it would all be my fault.

"I'm scared," I whispered.

He moved his hand away.

"How would you feel if we just jacked off? We're both hard as rocks. We wouldn't touch each other. Would that be okay? Would you feel comfortable with that?"

"Okay," I said, sounding unsure. I figured that might as well be sex. What if the feelings to drink came back?

Lance slipped off his underwear. We were both nude under the sheets in bed. Both of us reached down and grabbed our cocks. We began stroking them. It was dark, but there was enough dim light to see that our arms were fairly in sync. We enjoyed the same rhythm.

Neither of us were loud. Neither of us said anything. We just listened to each other's breath get heavy and ragged. We were a foot apart. We didn't have any part of our body touching each other.

I was enjoying this experience. I started moaning. It wasn't loud enough for Evan to hear in the other room, but Lance easily could. I started inhaling and exhaling deeply as I started to get near my climax. Lance moved a little closer to me. I did the same and now our hips were touching each other. Our skin was pressed together in a layer of fleshy warmth.

I pulled the sheet down. I was going to come at any minute. My heavy breathing and howling moan conveyed this to Lance. He took his left hand and cupped it around my balls, gently feeling them. Glorious. His touch stimulated every nerve in my crotch. I loved it.

"Fuck," I whispered.

I unloaded my cum all over my chest. My hips bucked in the intense orgasm. I thrust my waist one last time into the air milking the last spurt of cum from my dick. I relaxed and took a deep breath.

His right hand reached over to run a finger through my cum. He stuck it in his mouth with an audible slurp. This man made everything so hot. He gathered more on his hand and then wrapped it around his cock. He started pounding his flesh with the sticky, slippery fluid of my climax. I could hear the difference. He was breathing hard. His crotch writhed in pleasure as he masturbated with my body next to his. His moaning got more noticeable.

"Ohhh," he whispered. "Ohhh yeah."

"Let me," I said.

I slid my hand across my navel and scooped up a good amount of cum. I grabbed his cock and started rubbing and yanking it just as we had both been doing. The sound of stroking with liquid on his cock was very different. It was hot. I couldn't believe I was holding his hard dick. It was incredible. It was everything I thought it would be. I worked my cum all up and down his enormous shaft.

"I'm coming, baby."

Ropes of his cum shot from his cock with each throbbing pulse. I could barely make it out in the dim lighting. The furthest landed right between his pecs. One landed on my arm. I kept it up. I wanted his orgasm to last as long as it could. His cock in my hand was beyond amazing.

"Fuck!" he said as the last drops of his orgasm dripped onto my hand. Then he exhaled loudly.

We were both messy, but he grabbed my head and pressed our lips together.

"I enjoyed that." He hesitated for a second. "Um. Are you okay?"

I kissed him back. "I think I'm okay." I looked toward my chest — and his. "Should I try to find us a towel."

"I'll use this," he said, grabbing his briefs.

He wiped my chest first.

"That's kind of hot," I said.

Then he used his underwear to wipe up as much cum as he could from his chest. He got most of it, but there was a tacky surface to some of his skin. He pressed it up to my back and held us tight as we resumed a spooning position.

"Your cock is incredible, Lance," I said softly in the darkness.

"I like yours, too," he said reaching down to hold my genitals. He kissed me on the back of the neck. "Good night. Again." My hand was still quite sticky, but I wasn't going to leave his embrace to clean it. I hadn't felt this good in years. I had no interest in wanting anything alcoholic. I just wanted to lie next to him.

 

"When did you realize you loved Lance?" Trevor asked.

"Hm. Looking back, I'm not sure. I was drawn into his life. I met Mike and Trent. Lance and I saw each other at least twice a week if not more. It happened pretty fast. I worried that it was just sort of a fast crush when I was living in the shelter. But ... no. Lance was amazing for me. I fell in love with the man he truly was."

"I'm happy about that."

"Once on the way to dinner, we were in his car. A song came on the radio. It was ... what was it? It was by Ed Sheeran. I think it is called `Perfect.' One of the last lines was `I met an angel in person, and you look perfect tonight.' I reached for his hand and interlocked my fingers. I knew the song was about a girl, but I sang those words to him. He smiled and kissed my hand."

"I love that. It's very sweet," Trevor said.

"We had a lot of baggage to deal with, but we loved each other enough to confront it and deal with it. He wanted me out of the shelter so bad but didn't want to infringe upon his roommate. And quite frankly, moving in after a couple of months would have been premature."

"What was the solution?" Trevor asked.

"Fate. Mike and Trent were truly in love. Mike really wanted Trent to move in, but Trent had signed a lease on the apartment. Lance, the shelter and I worked together, and I was able to move in for his last two months. All by myself."

"For you, at that time, that must have been amazing."

"It was."

 

I lay on my back staring at the ceiling. It was my first night alone. Making love to Lance last night was wonderful. But here I was, all by myself in a place of my own. In my whole life, I'd never been alone in what I would call "home." My brain searched for something to ground me. I listened. What sounds did I expect to hear in an empty apartment? Was it too quiet? Is there such a thing? Quietness, calmness, peace — I could get used to that. Really easy.

I became aware of the bed again. Any time I got into a bed, it was like being a winning contestant on a game show. All those years on couches and a futon mattress. Maybe this would feel normal again one day, but for now, it was heaven.

I thought about being alone in Trent's apartment again. I could do anything I wanted. I could jack off if I wanted. I could be loud if I wanted.

But I didn't.

I decided to just take off my briefs and sleep naked. That was a luxury I could never have at the shelter or the old house.

I didn't fall asleep. I was suddenly consumed with the feeling that this would all vanish in a puff of smoke. I didn't deserve this. How did I have such loving friends that would do this for me?

 

"I never have forgotten the debt I owe good friends. Those key turning points in my life. It ... it is something I can never repay."

"What was to be repaid?"

"Kindness. Love. Compassion. Empathy. At times I would question why it was all happening to me, like it should have gone to someone else. After nine years of being away from my family's home, I ... never had friends like that. It just seemed too good to be true."

"Everyone deserves friends."

"Trent started Friendsgiving after we lost someone in our AA group. It was a celebration of friendship. I knew that night that my life had changed into something great. That was also the night my mother showed up with my sister. That was huge for me. Things were just falling into place. After years and years of things just being ... lousy ... I just found myself astounded that things were going well. It was like I was fearing the walls might cave in any second."

"Did they?"

"No. Far from it. Lance and I just got better. I loved him more each day. I was nervous to meet his family, but we did on Thanksgiving Day. He insisted I go. I had met his dad in the summer. Truly, a nice man. But I had to meet his mother and brother. Lance actually came out to his brother that day. But ... it was all wonderful. It was so different than my family. While Lance and his brother verbally sparred with each other, I just ... I don't know ... I just felt a house full of love. Unlike my family, they accepted me right away.

 

Lance's mother was putting the breakfast dishes away. I wanted to help. Oliver ducked into the shower. Lance and his father were talking in the living room.

"You know what I like to do?" Mrs. Wheeling said. "The day after every holiday, I like to go out and buy decorations at 50% off. It's silly. It's not like we can't afford them. I just get a charge out of a good deal," she said, staring at the dishes she was loading in the dishwasher.

"Can I come?"

Mrs. Wheeling stood upright and looked at me. "With me? Like today?"

I nodded.

"I'd like that," she said.

I told Lance that we planned to do some fun shopping. He looked at the two of us wondering how we had formed this fast friendship. "Sure," he said blankly. "Have fun."

Lance and his father warmed their coffee while his mother was grabbing her purse and the two of us were putting on our jackets. A minute later, I kissed Lance goodbye and we were off.

"What are you hoping to find?" I asked her as we drove into town.

"Oh, I don't know. First, I see what is on sale, and then I ask what I want to do with it. Full confession, sometimes I will find something at 75 or 90% off and just buy it with no plans whatsoever. I just figure if I never use it, I haven't invested much."

I laughed.

We planned on stopping at a couple of stores. We looked at some things that seemed like a good deal. At the same time, we allowed ourselves the guilty pleasure of looking at Christmas decorations, laughing at what might make good 50% purchases a month from now.

At the third store, we struck gold. I had ideas for a centerpiece to the dining room table. She loved my ideas. That made me feel good.

"What do you think of this dish, Mrs. Wheeling?"

"Please, call me Carol."

That didn't seem right. I was quiet a moment. "Lance calls you Mom. Can I be like him? Would it offend you if I did too?"

She seemed taken aback. "I think I would like that very much. It was nice of you to ask, but I think I would have been touched had you just done it on your own."

We smiled at each other.

Looking at the time, we figured we needed to head back to start thinking about lunch. In the car, I couldn't help thinking about the difference between Lance's family and mine. Neither of us were saying anything. Christmas music was softly playing on the radio.

"Can I ask if it bothers you that Lance is gay?" I bravely said.

"Well, to be honest ... no. It doesn't bother me. When I first heard it over the summer, I didn't know how I felt about it. As a parent, you pictures your kids growing up and one day getting married and having kids. It was a ... a realization ... that the things I had pictured weren't going to happen."

I was silent.

She reached over and grabbed my hand.

"But that was just that moment. Once I understood it wasn't about me, I just wanted Lance to be happy. Happy with himself. In the weeks that followed, I accepted it rather fine. It doesn't make any difference to me."

"Wow. That's sure different than my world."

"I ... I heard. You were asked to leave as a teen, weren't you?"

"Told to leave is more like it."

"That's terrible. I am so sorry. Bless your heart. That was so unfair."

"Lance has helped me reconnect with my family. In fact, his kind gesture is what brought us together."

"Jakob, if we are being honest, when Blake came home from the weekend Lance bought his car and he told me about you, I was apprehensive. It just sounded ... risky. Both of you in AA and everything. But when Lance would call us ... I could hear something in his voice. In time, I realized it was that he was happy. I was shocked I had never really heard my son be ... happy ... in the last several years. I could tell a difference. That made me feel not only fine with ... everything, but I was eager to meet you. Who was this man that made my son happy?"

"Wow."

"I was a bit worried that you would be different than what I was picturing."

"Well, clearly, Lance could get someone more handsome than me."

"Oh, pfff!!!" Mrs. Wheeling said in a scolding tone. "I took a liking to you the second you walked in the door. Lance just lights up around you. I've never seen him ... sparkle ... like that. You are amazing for him. I find you a really nice man. I'm glad the two of you found each other. You're good for each other."

She patted my hand.

"Thanks, Mrs. ... Carol ... Mom."

I hadn't felt this welcomed since the Petriellos. It was almost a dream. My family was so different.

My family. We still had to visit with them today. What would my dad say to Lance? Ugh. How would that go?

 

"I saw my family over the holidays. Our two families started to merge. It was easy with his. Mine was a little more ... eggshells, but we made it work. I was so happy. I had a renewed sense of family. My brother and sister and I had all grown. We were no longer kids. It was nice to learn to love each other as adults."

"Could you? After everything in the past? Did you forgive them?"

I was quiet a moment. Forgiving my father seemed insurmountable for so long, but my brother and sister were different. They were just caught up in Dad's demands at that time.

"It wasn't so much forgiveness than it was acceptance. Teresa was awesome. We clicked before I visited with the rest of the family. Keaton ... he was good. He accepted me."

"I'm sure it was very healing."

"When New Year's Day came, I knew my life was now incredible. I remembered the New Year's resolution to make my life better the previous January. And ... man. I was surrounded by friends, friends I truly loved."

 

Lance was making hot chocolate for the four of us. Trent and Mike getting Dr. Owen's lake house was the perfect way to enjoy the holiday. We relaxed in front of the fireplace. I reflected on the horrible New Year's Eve from the year before. I was so happy now. I loved these men. I really, really loved them. I had never had friends like this.

We had all shared the previous year's holiday without each other. None of us had been in love at that time, and now we all were. We listened to each other make love in adjoining rooms. I lay in Lance's arms contemplating that my life had changed so dramatically.

 

"To be truthful, I was alive all those years before, but I wasn't really `living.' It was sort of an existence, just the ... will to survive. But then ... the closeness between friends — it was astounding. People who accepted me for me, people who really cared about me. I was important to them. I still stand in astonishment from time to time that I would be so undeserving of this friendship, but these men really cared about me."

"Why undeserving?"

"I was a nobody. No home, nothing much to my name. It's kind of the person you are polite with and then just want to make your exit. They brought me into their world. I've never felt closer to any friends in my entire life."

 

"Fuck me, buddy. You feel good inside me," Lance said to Trent, momentarily taking Mike's dick from his mouth.

New Year's Day found the four of us being intimate as a foursome for the first time. They had made Lance a promise if he remained sober. I agreed to allow it and the included me.

Lance's legs were spread off the couch as Trent fucked him. Lance was hard, and I was riding his cock near the edge of the bed. Mike was working his dick into Lance's mouth. The re-creation of the threesome in the school shower had turned into a foursome, now with me. I had multiple partners at the old rent house. But nothing ever felt like this. This was ... loving.

"Oh, yeah, buddy," Trent returned. "My cock is throbbing."

Mike pulled his cock from Lance's face and slowly turned around 180 degrees. He now straddled Lance in a more comfortable direction for sucking. He plunged his hairy dick back into my partner's waiting mouth. I could now wrap my arms around Mike. He felt wonderful. It should have bothered me that it was another man and not Lance. But Lance was inside me, fucking me, loving me. Mike and I pressed our shoulders together as I continued to slide up and down my partner's granite tower.

The four of us were completely enflamed with lust, with passion, with love. In all the times I had been involved in multi-partner situations in the past, it was nothing like this. Those times were strictly physical. I loved these three men, and they had my hormones in overdrive. Mike's cock took the brunt of Lance's screams. He erupted. His cock shot cum up into my passage. I knew he was coming. Our bodies had become in sync in the past months. Knowing his cum was coating my insides enthralled me.

"That's it angel. Come for me. Come for us. Fill me with your love."

"I'm almost there," Trent yelled. He pounded Lance's hole.

I moved faster on my erection, working the stimulation while Lance was still fully hard.

"Lance! Jakob! Mike!" Trent screamed. "Ohhh, yeah!"

Trent thrust his cock into Lance, pushing his body as spurt after spurt of cum shot from his cock deep within my partner.

"Oh, Lance! I'm coming inside you, buddy."

He pushed and pushed until his cock fully unloaded.

"Mike, face me," I requested.

Mike maneuvered back around. Both he and I jerked our stiff erections as we faced each other. Mike's ass was positioned in front of Lance. It was an unspoken invitation. Lance let his tongue travel up the cleft of Mike's cheeks. Then he pushed it as far as he could, prompting Mike to moan at the sensation.

Mike and I worked our arms fiercely. Mike could see my expression. It was the look of someone about to come. He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me forward. We kissed. A real kiss. A passionate kiss. I loved Mike. I loved the four of us. Lance loved watching and pushed his dick up into my ass even though it wasn't fully hard. I needed no further stimulation.

"Ungh!" My cum splattered on Lance's chest. Some of it landed on Mike's dick. He reached down for more and slid it all around his shaft.

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah!" Mike called.

I felt his cum land on me next. It was all over Lance as well. Trent came to see his fiancée's cock explode on his best friend. Mike was screaming as each wave shot from him.

For a moment, all of us were panting, either sitting or lying on the bed. We could hear each other's breathing. It was a communion of four lustful males regaining their strength.

The three of us surrounded Lance; all of us laid our nude bodies on the bed, consuming the physical space of the mattress. We were tightly compressed with legs overlapping everywhere. Lance's chest was glistening in the candlelight from the bukkake of two men's cum. Trent stuck his tongue in it and kissed us all one by one, then handed Lance the towel.

The room seemed calm. We were silent a minute.

"Is everyone okay?" Mike asked. "Jakey bear? Are you good?"

"Okay! Sorry, I'm putting my foot down," Lance said. "I'm vetoing Jakey."

Everyone laughed.

"I'm okay. That was incredible," I said. "But ... this is just tonight, right?"

"Exactly," said Trent. "I'm in love with Mike. This was great fun, but ... it was a special moment. Like a once-a-year thing. I can't let this be a regular thing."

"I think everyone feels that way," Mike said. "I'm up for a New Year's tradition of sexual Twister every year."

We laughed. All of us thought the night had been incredible, so we agreed. We each had the partner we were faithful to. That was the forever mode. This was special. It needed to stay special.

We moved back out to the living room. It was 10. Too early for bed. None of us put clothes on. We lay naked on the furniture. I curled up on a blanket in front of Lance.

"I love you gentlemen," Lance said.

"We love you too," said Mike.

A wave of not feeling worthy of these emotions overtook me again. I was so incredibly happy. And I felt I didn't deserve it. Lance reached down to find my hand. He held it. I knew he was overcome with emotion too. No matter what I was feeling, I did feel like the two of us belonged. We deserved that. A new year was starting. Lance and I had worked to leave our dark pasts behind. That had been the best year of my life — and the future was looking brighter. Lance and I were about to move in together.

The fire had little crackle left. We listened to its last steaming moments.

 

 

"That's why it was the best year of my life. I went from my lowest point to such an incredible high. Family, incredible friends and a new life I had started with a man I loved. I just was in disbelief that it was my life. It happened to me. Had Lance not entered my world, none of this would have happened."

"But you did all the work yourself too."

"I'm a hard worker, but Lance opened the right doors to make my life turnaround. He really is an angel from God."

"I'm pleased to hear this about your life. Let's stop here for today. We'll pick up with you and Lance at our next meeting."

 

* * * *

 

For my longtime readers, I hope this chapter has been the redemption you had been waiting for. There is more discussion at timothylane414stories.blogspot.com Look for "26."

Feedback is always welcome.