Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:15:36 +0000 From: Steve Thomas Subject: Dilemma for Tony, Ch. 16 This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY! Cast of characters: Tony diMarco -- yeah -- I am he! (CA) Ben Hastings -- First love (Maui) Ben Fisk -- First sex (+4 years) Lucas diMarco -- my dad Wendy diMarco -- my mom. Joseph -- my Brother -- 17 Levi -- my brother - 15 Fred Stumpf -- 31 year old inactive member. Johnnie Weinberg -- LDS Missionary Ashton Staedler -- New friend Mike Hoffman -- Ashton's Half-Brother Geoff Redmond -- Mike's Friend Rollin James -- Hawaiian High diver & government translator Grandpa Antonio DiMarco Grandma Rose From Ch. 15: "This is Manley. Do you know me?" "Manley? Um -- you mean like -- Tim's uncle?" I said. "Yeah. Sorry I forgot your name. I guess it's not Tommy." "Tony." "Tony -- yeah! How stupid of me!" "Don't be so hard on yourself -- we only spent one evening together. What's up?" "Well, Tim has gone back home and -- I still had your phone number in my phone. I -- I wonder if -- I mean -- um -- I really need to talk to someone -- er I mean -- you. I wonder when would work for us." "How about now?" I said. "Oh -- haha -- no. I'm at work now. But I get off at five. How about then? I can maybe take you to dinner?" "No -- sorry, I work evenings. Next Saturday -- during the day -- I have then off. You?" "I had hoped for sooner, but -- that'll work." I had some idea why he'd want to talk to me -- but I wasn't going to mention it. Chapter 16 With Fred gone, the week dragged by. I talked to both Fred and Rollie several times each. Rollie and I called back and forth. I called Fred each time. I think maybe he was giving the space that he felt I needed. I thought I needed it a few weeks ago. I'm not so sure now. Manley only called me once, on Friday night -- and left a message, because I was at work. He just wanted to confirm our -- well, I'm gonna call it an appointment. "First I want to apologize for last week." He said, after our first introductory comments. "What for?" I asked, as if I hadn't an idea. "I've just -- never -- um -- well, I'm sorry that I let my liquor take control of me. But - - I have been giving it a lot of thought since then." "Ohhh-kaaaay?" I said, still feigning ignorance. "and how can I help you?" "Well -- I got that you are gay and all -- you didn't try to hide that -- did you?" "No. Fred and I are both gay. Tim knew that." "Anyway, I don't know anyone else -- who is gay -- and I -- God! I hope this is okay! -- I was hoping you could talk to me a little bit." Poor Manley looked like has backing himself into a corner and wishing he knew a way out. He looked pathetic. That's one thing that is very hard for me to - - resist! His thin hair, coupled with that heavy shadow of stubble on his face -- and then add the weak chin that comes from bring chagrinned and pathetic and - - vulnerable. I felt immediately sorry for him and -- completely embarrassed at how I was reacting to it. Manley couldn't see my "reaction", because it was still under the table we were sitting at. If Gray was only 39 (38?) then Manley couldn't be too much older. "What -- AHEM! (I had to clear my throat and get some saliva into my mouth -- it was bone dry! I guess it was my subconscience that was salivating!) What is it you want to ask me?" I said, trying to look the nonchalance that I was definitely NOT feeling! "I -- erm -- ahem! I am so -- ashamed of -- well -- let me -- um - - Okay! Here goes!" He took a big breath, "Um - - Tony, I am um -- I mean -- I've never thought about it before but I -- that is -- the other night when I was drunk and -- you see - " I couldn't take it any longer. I had to put him out of his misery. "Manley -- are you trying to tell me that you are attracted to -- guys?" "Oh God! I didn't think about it like that! The only word that kept going through my head was -- uhhm -" "Gay?" I finished it for him. "Yes!" He whispered. "That and - " He looked around at the tables near us and then came closer and whispered even quieter, "queer!" We were finished eating lunch, so I said, "Maybe you'd rather go somewhere more private -- to finish this discussion?" He looked around and said, "O God, Yes!" "Good. Can I ask you a favor?" I said. "Anything!" "Could you maybe not take the Lord's name in vain?" "Oh God, I'm sorry!" he said then realizing what he just said, "I mean -- oh shit, I can't seem to do anything right today. Sorry." We walked outside and to a park that was across the street, and finding a bench, we sat down. "So anyway -- Tony -- I've had dreams and been finding myself more and more attracted to - " He paused and put his hands over his face. " -- attracted to - " "Me?" I said, looking and sounding sympathetic and - somewhat more surprised than I really was. He backed away, and lifted his head, looking into my eyes, and said, "Oh God -- oops! I mean -- um -- NO! Not you! My nephew! I've been dreaming about Tim!" "Ohhh!" I said, feeling a great weight just lift off my shoulders - - and a little silly. "It makes me sick to even consider it, bit I can't make it go away!" "Do you really WANT it to go away?" "No! I mean YES!! I mean -- I don't know - quite what I mean! Isn't that sick?" I thought about it for a moment. "I don't know." I said. "It could very possibly upset your family." "Um -- he's not really my nephew." "Huh?" I now was lost. "He's like the son of a friend of the family. I just call him my nephew because he calls me Uncle Manley." I was so relieved, I couldn't resist lightening it up a little. "Well, at least if you have kids, they won't be inbred idiots!" "Huh? - Oh! Haha! Hahaha! That's funny!" He laughed. "But," I said, coming back to reality, "I was under the distinct impression that - - I mean -- isn't Tim straight?" "Yes! I mean -- I thought he was -- but -- no! He is straight! But -- that night that we went back to our room -- both of us were drunk and -- we kind of had sex!" "Wo!" I said. "Was he okay with that the next morning? I mean - " "I don't know. I'm not even sure if he remembers. We didn't speak about it, and then he went back home." "Home to - - where?" "He lives in Minneapolis." "Well, that's pretty safe." I said. "Safe?" "Well it's far enough away that -- there's not much chance that you'll have to deal with it -- any time soon - - right?" "Well -- not exactly! His dad called me last week. That's why I was almost panicky to talk to you -- or someone -- at that time. I wasn't home when he called, so he left a message. I was petrified that Tim told his dad what happened." "And - - ?" "He didn't. I called back, ready for the worst. "Stanley -- that's his dad -- asked me if Tim could possibly come stay with me -- until he gets established there. He wants to go to USC medical school." "And -- you haven't talked to Tim yet?" "No! I'm even more worried about that. How can I even ask him - " "Tim's just a little older than I am." I said "Most of the kids I grew up with are pretty okay with -- you know -- gay friends and all. And Tim knew that Fred and I were gay from the beginning. I'm guessing that Tim -- though he may be a little embarrassed -- is okay with it if you are gay." "That's just it. I'm not even sure myself." "You ever been married?" "Yeah. I can't have children. We didn't find out until after we were married and she wants one that is her own flesh. She's not willing to use a surrogate sperm donor." "How long - " "We were married 2 ½ years. That was 12 years ago. I have never felt like I could give a woman what she wants." Manley was very close to breaking down. "I've never talked to another soul about this. I guess you're easy to talk to because I don't really know you well." He was doing all the classic things to keep from tearing up and letting himself cry. "Manley, it's been at least 12 years since you have felt love from anyone. It's no wonder you so easily gave in to doing -- whatever -- when you both were drunk. I don't understand how you waited all this time." "I've -- been with women since our divorce. But -- it wasn't like -- it wasn't - " He stopped to regain his composure. "Tony," He said, taking my hand and looking into my eyes, "it wasn't anything close to love. When we were drunk last week -- I know that both our defenses were way down but -- I felt loved for the first time since -- she stopped loving me." He was sweating and I think this brought out his deodorant. He smelled so great. And with his face so close to mine, with that sexy thin hair and shadowy growth of beard, it was all I could do to not touch him. Then it happened. One tear crept out of his left eye. He immediately looked away. "Oh God! I -- Oh! I'm sorry -- I mean -- I just -- I didn't think -- I -- you must think I'm such a wimp!" "Manley," I started. I waited for him to turn his face again to me. "There's nothing wrong with showing your feelings. It's okay." I almost crooned to him. He again tore his gaze from mine and bent over almost double on the park bench. He was trying to stifle his feelings. "Where do you live, Manley?" I asked. "About a block away from the restaurant." "You mean right down the street?" "Yes." He said. "Let's walk toward your place. Maybe you can get yourself together a little and then we can -- well -- maybe talk some more in your place where you are not out here where everyone can see you." "I wanted to do that, but I didn't want to seem like -- like -- I was trying to get you into my apartment." I laughed. "What?" "Oh -- nothing really. It's just -- no! I'm not worried about that!" I laughed again -- to cover my own embarrassment. I was tempted to tell him how he made my insides quiver -- but I chose not to. We walked pretty much in silence to his 2nd story apartment. It was not very special -- from the outside. He opened the door and walked in after me. He turned on the light. I looked around in amazement. It looked like something that an interior decorator might have shown to advertise. "Wow! This is very nice! Did you do it yourself?" He paused for too long then again clouded up. "My wife. She was the decorator. It's what she does. It hasn't changed in 12 years. Nothing has. My life stopped in 1995." Again tears came to his eyes. "You still love her, don't you?" I asked. He looked surprised I had asked. He looked deeply into my eyes -- as if he were looking for an answer in them. "No." He said. It came out of him like a death sentence. "No -- not at all. But -- I -- guess -- I feel lost without SOMEone to really love." We stood nose to nose for a long moment. I was anticipating he might kiss me and what I should do if he did, when he turned away again. "It's hard. Tony, it's hard every night -- going to sleep -- alone." He said mostly to the wall. "I can't imagine what it must be like." I said. "I mean - I sleep alone every night too, but -- I dunno -- I guess I'm used to it." He looked again into my eyes. "I doubt I'll ever get used to sleeping without a warm body next to me." He dropped his eyes and a couple tears fell out of each. Not even thinking, I wrapped my arms around him. He was almost my size, and his face fit neatly on my shoulder and neck. I could really smell him now and in this close embrace, it was impossible to hide my reaction. "Thanks, Tony!" he said as if responding to my flexing anatomy. "It feels so -- good -- to have someone just accept my -- my weirdness." I stepped away. "So are you gonna call him?" "Who?" He said, seemingly from somewhere far away. "Tim. Are you going to call and see what he thinks about the arrangement that his dad is proposing?" "I suppose I'd better. But it's scary! I don't mind admitting that to you!" "Do it now." I said. "Huh?" "Call him while I am here -- and while you're thinking about it." "Oh! I hadn't thought about calling him -- this soon. I mean - " "Do it now." I repeated He picked up his phone and found a previous called number and pressed send. "Hello -- Stan? Yeah it's me. Is Tim there?" Manley made a scared face at me. "Put it on hands free -- so I can hear!" I whispered. "Yo! Wassup, Unk?" Said Tim. "Hi Timbo! Did your dad mention that he talked to me the other day?" "Um -- well, not exactly. I asked him to call. Whaddaya think? Can I stay with you?" "After our last night together -- I was worried." Said Manley "What for?" "Do you remember what happened?" We heard a door close. Tim must have gone to another room -- or outside. "Dude -- yeah! Thanks, Unk! That was awesome!" Manley's eyes hit the ceiling. "What?" Said Manley. "You -- you liked it?" "Liked it? Crap yes. No girl ever gave me head like that before! I was afraid you wouldn't remember. We were pretty drunk." "Yeah. Sorry. But -- you -- you -- liked it?" "Unk -- I'd never do that to any guy -- but any time you want to do me -- we don't have to get drunk! I could probably concentrate better on my fantasy if I were sober. You are so cool. Don't worry, I wouldn't mention it to my dad. He'd freak. But -- hey! I'm 24! I don't need to tell them everything I do! Any time you wanna suck my dick, it will be available to you!" After a long pause, "Unk? You there?" "AHEM! Yeah. Well, we may have to talk about that." "DEFINITELY!" Said Tim. Again we heard a door close. "You are the coolest, Uncle Manley! Okay, here's my dad." "Sounds like you and Tim came to an agreement." Said Tim's dad. "Well -- yeah -- kind of. Whenever he's ready." Said Manley. "Good! He told us that you were very entertaining." Said Stan. "Talk to you later?" "Adios Amigo!" Said Manley. He ended the call and almost fell onto the couch. He started to weep like a baby. "Omigod! Oh, sorry again, Tony! "It's just - - I don't even quite know how I feel about - - this. Part of me is very relieved, and another part is -- um -- well, disappointed I guess." He laughed through his tears. I pulled him up into a hug. "Was it as bad as you thought it would be?" I asked. "What? Oh! No! Thanks to you. You are amazing Tony!" he said. I don't know if he recognized something in my look or what, but he kissed me on the lips. Well, you don't have to be a psychic to figure out what I did next! I kissed him back! His wonderful smell and totally sexy look took away any objection I may have had! "Ohmi -- I mean -- shee-yit!" He exclaimed. "I'm so sorry! Tony, I feel like such a fool! I don't know what came over me!" "Did you hear me complaining?" I said to him. "And I'd return your favor! I'd actually suck you back!" I said to -- myself! "I really don't know that to do next." He said. "I think this is where any sane man would walk you to the door and -- say g'bye." "Please don't be any sane guy!" I thought, as he walked to the door and opened it. I felt like he did earlier: Relieved and - disappointed. "Tony, I don't expect I'll ever hear from you again. And I wouldn't blame you a bit. I - " "What?" I said. `Why?" I asked. "Tony -- I'm an old man -- compared to you!" "Why do you `old men' always think the worst?" I asked. "You can't be over 19, Tony - - if that!" I looked at him incredulously. "Oh God, PLEASE make you at least 18!" He cried. "I'm 22!" I said indignantly. "Nineteen -- twenty-two -- what's the difference? I'm still 12 years older than you!" He said. What? That makes him only 34! He saw the look on my face as I realized his real age. "What?" "Just this:" I said and I hugged and kissed him on the lips. He struggled for probably a half second. He pulled me back into the apartment and closed the door. We kissed deeply and passionately. I wanted a closer look at the bulge I felt inside his pants. I couldn't keep my body from gently grinding into it. He answered in kind then pushed me away. "No! This can't be!" He cried. "I'm old enough to be your - " "Older brother!" I said. Manley backed away from me and said, "Okay -- now you'll have to trust me on this. Let age, experience and -- I hope -- wisdom -- take over. Tony -- you really need to leave -- now -- before I beg you to stay!" He pushed me to the door, opened it and said, "Call me in a couple days if you feel -- like you do now." I impishly grabbed him and kissed him once more. He pushed me out and said, "G'bye, Tony. Thanks for giving me something to think about and -- maybe a lot to dream about" "I'll call you!" I promised. I didn't even get back to Grampa's before I started to come down and -- wonder just how crazy -- and how much of a slut I could become -- if I let myself. Now I can look at the situation more objectively. Umm -- maybe after a good wank I'll be better! To my good fortune, Nana and Grampa were gone somewhere when I got back. After working my "self" over a couple times, I sat down to my computer. Do I like him? Yes. Is he nice? Yes. Is he well built? So so. Is he nice looking? Yes. Smart? Maybe. Is he sexy? YESSS! Romantic? Remains to be seen Do I want to know more? Yes. What else? I like him but -- do I think I would like him better than Fred -- or Rollie? He seems more stable than Rollie, but no more than Fred. He maybe isn't as romantic as Rollie. Do I need someone more stable -- since I am still young and obviously and easily horned up? Who do I look to for maximum protection? Fred Who do I think of when I am dreaming? Rollie usually Who do I wish was here now to help me sort this out? Dad! "Grampa!" I said aloud. "Yes?" Grampa stuck his head in. I didn't even hear them come in. I hope it wasn't while I was - - "Hi Grampa," I said. "You called me?" "Um -- well, yeah. I was just surprised that you were home. I didn't hear you come in." "We just walked in the back door a couple minutes ago." Whew! "So -- was there something you wanted?" "I -- um -- yeah -- maybe." I handed him the list. "I met this guy. He's older than Fred. I really like him and -- I dunno -- thought maybe you might help me sort out my feelings." He looked at the list. "You mentioned that he is older than Fred. But you didn't put it on your list. Does it bother you that he is older than Fred?" "I -- uh -- don't think so." "Well, all I can say about that is -- your answer was wishy-washy. Would it bother you to become involved with an (he chuckled) an older man?" I thought about it. "I don't think so. I guess it just bothers me what others might think." "Don't you be worrying about what others think! It's none of their business." "But people can be so judgmental, Grampa." "That's their problem. If they are rude enough to say something, you just politely ask them to - - butt out!" "Heh. Thanks, Grampa." "Besides how old could this guy be?" "He's 34." "What?!! 34?!! You didn't tell me he was THAT old! For crap sakes Boy, what are you thinking?" Then he caught himself and laughed. "Okay, Tony - this is where you tell me to butt out -- but politely!" "I asked you because I wanted your opinion. I am a bit worried about his age." "Well, if you add 20 years, when you're 42, he'll be 54. Does that sound terrible?" "Actually that doesn't sound as bad as now." "I know, huh?" He chuckled. "I don't think I helped you much, Tony." "You may have." I said. "Maybe. Sometimes it just helps to bounce it off someone else." "Yeah." "Nana and I stopped by the deli and picked up some sandwiches -- turkey on whole wheat with cranberry sauce. It's in the fridge. You can eat it whenever you're ready." "Thanks, Grampa." He walked out and I thought, "I think I know what I want." Then my phone rang. "Hello?" "Hey! Ben here!" My heart stopped. Omigosh! He can't be -- no, I can't even THINK it! "Hi." I said evenly. "I don't even know why I called. I was coming home from a meeting with the Bishop and I couldn't stop thinking about you." "OOOhhhh! Ben! Ben Fisk!" I said, I'm sure sounding slightly insane. Just the thought that Ben Hastings still has a hold on my heart was some kind of revelation to me. "Yeah -- who'd you thou -- oh -- you thought I was that other Ben." "Wait a minute. You were on your way home from a meeting with the bishop?" "Yeah. I couldn't -- stay away from the church. So I'm trying it again -- you know -- the going back again thing." "What about Johnnie?" "He went home." "He going back to church too?" "I'm not sure. He didn't want to break up. I feel bad that -- well, you know the story." "Yeah -- better than I want to think about. I guess it worked out nicely for Ben Hastings though. I think I was always 2nd choice for him anyway. He just didn't know that his friend was a possibility until I jilted him. Guess who got jilted! Ben -- it still hurts. It hurt just now when I thought you were -- Ben Hastings." "I could tell. To tell you the truth, Johnnie was getting pretty homesick. And I couldn't seem to -- um -- well, I couldn't give him what he needed after awhile." "You're still hurting -- aren't you." "How could I not?" He said, his voice breaking. "Um -- how -- how -- how are you doing? That's why I called. I felt like something was wrong." "I think I'm getting like Johnnie. I just put it together as we were talking. I came over here to escape something and -- now that I am here, what I was trying to escape seems to be over here too." "Maybe you're not trying to escape something but rather -- trying to find something." He said. "Oh! I dunno." "Have you been going to church there?" "Yeah. To my grandparents ward. I live with them." "Oh! Well -- I mean -- erm -- have you talked to the bishop about your -- um -- sexuality?" Said Ben. "I'm wondering if you're trying to escape YOUR sedxuality. Maybe you should think about that." I responded. "I have been." "Well, I've tried going back -- before." I said. "I wonder if you're trying to escape something by going back." "Whooooooooph. I um -- never -- thought about that. You always did have a way of making me think! Maybe we both have something to think about. Did you say you are thinking about coming back -- to Maui, I mean?" "I didn't, but I guess I implied it with my homesick routine. I love living with my grandparents and - - they are very nice about my being gay. But I still think it makes them uncomfortable. I know they haven't talked to the bishop. I guess they're leaving that up to me." "You may find out that it's easier than you think to come back to full activity in the church." He said. "Yeah, I do miss it, but I just don't think I'm ready to give up who I am to accomplish it." "Well, what I have found is that being attracted to guys is definitely a constant challenge, but - - it's NOT who I am. It's a small part of my life." "I guess -- if that's what you want. I've seen men make their families a small part of their life. Just because we can shut something out of our life -- doesn't make it right -- does it?" I said. "I guess I didn't think of it that way." "Well, I'm sorry if I am making you think too much, but -- it's just that -- I've tried exactly what you are doing. And it worked -- for awhile. Then I got hit broadside when Ben Hastings came into my life. It was then I decided pretty much that I don't want to live without -- this -- in my life." "Tony -- I have to try. I don't know what to hope for. But I have to try." "I wish you well, Ben. I truly do. Maybe it'll work for you." I said, though not believing it. "Tony -- thanks for being my friend. Some of my other old friends -- gay friends -- are not so nice -- nasty even. It pisses me off. Why can't they wish me well -- instead of calling me names and telling me I'm weak and stupid?" "Aw, Ben -- they're just scared. They're afraid that if you can do it, maybe people will expect them to do it too. If you turn away from your gay side and -- I dunno -- maybe find joy in just serving others -- and stifling your sexuality -- then other gay guys feel threatened -- sometimes. Just forgive them and if they still want to be friends -- or not -- well -- love `em! Isn't that what the gospel tells us?" "Yeah -- hate the sin, love the sinner." He said. "I can't see it that way. I mean -- as sin. But I understand where you're coming from. I used to be there! Look, Ben, I can only tell you that I hope it works out for you. I hope you can tell me the same." "Oh, I do! Tony -- can I tell you something?" "Of course." He paused for a long time and then in almost a whisper, "Tony -- I'm scared. I want to be active in church. But -- Damn! I miss Johnnie!" "I think that'll go away, Ben. I really do. But maybe it's not Johnnie that you really miss. Maybe - " "Yeah, I know -- I've thought about that a lot. Maybe it's the whole concept of living chaste -- without sex -- that I'm missing -- in advance. I have considered that -- and truly, I still am considering it." "Again, Ben, I wish you well. Just a minute." Nana told me that someone is at the door. "I have to go, Ben, someone's at the front door asking for me -- and Nana doesn't know who it is." "Okay, bye Tony. Love you!" I went to the door. Standing, looking kind of sheepish and -- hopeful (?) was someone I never expected to show up at my Grampa's house. "Hey You!" I said, surprised, excited, happy and bewildered, all at once. "I -- hope this is okay." He said, smiling his cute smile. Behind him were a smallish suitcase and an obvious musical instrument case. I smiled and stepped aside to let him in. He walked in and looked around. "It's great to see you!" I said. "Funny thing -- I was just talking to Ben Fisk -- I don't think you know him -- telling him I came here to escape something and I seem to not be able to escape it -- or rather - " "I shouldn't have come! Mom told me exactly what you just said! You're trying to escape -- me! But I had to -- well, obviously I can't stay. I - " "NO!" I protested. "I didn't mean that - and I certainly didn't mean you!" "Oh, Hello!" Said Grampa walking in from the garage. Nana appeared again, from the hall. "Grampa -- Nana -- this is a friend of mine from Hawaii. He's" "You seem to be getting lot's of guests from Maui!" Said Nana. "You must have been - " "No, Rollie's not from Maui. He's from Honolulu. I said, grinning ear to ear. Notes: Thanks for all your sweet comments. They are always appreciated. Love, Steve Stevethomas535@hotmail.com