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Meeting No. 50 January 9

"Hi, I'm Cooper. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Cooper," the group replied.

"The New Year isn't starting out so well. After several months of being sober, I get to receive a one-day chip again. I broke down last night. I was on my third drink when I happened to look at a picture of my son. I fell apart. I hated that I had gone out and bought a six-pack. I hated myself."

My heart broke. Cooper and Mitch seemed to be doing well. I was so sad to hear him stumble.

"The holidays were great. Mitch and my son had become fairly close. My son even asked us very embarrassing questions, and we did great. Then at work yesterday I saw Mitch kissing another coworker. My heart was shattered. He wanted to talk later, but I couldn't stand to look at him. I left early, stopped at the store and sat on my couch drinking beer. I stared at my no-nothing apartment. I went to the bedroom and laid on the bed with my second beer thinking of how I screwed up my marriage ... ending in divorce. I went back to get my third beer and hated Mitch for doing this to me. I saw a picture of my son right over the top of my beer. I stared at the bottle. I hated myself more. I threw it across the room. It spilled out all over the kitchen. I got a towel to clean it up. I took the other three bottles to our dumpster. Then I just cried the rest of the night.

"I'm not sure what to do or where to turn. I just know I don't want to do it drunk. I might need the strength of you all.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

My heart had sunk for Cooper. I couldn't believe this had happened.

It was always advised not to begin relationships when becoming sober, at least for the first year. Mitch and Cooper were just getting started when he joined AA. How would I fare if something drove a wedge between Jakob and me? He has been a survivor for years; would I be able to cope?

"Hi, I'm Andrew. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Andrew," the group replied.

"Actually, my first name is Andrew, but everyone calls me by my last name, Baker."

Holy shit! It was him. Tyler's abusive boyfriend!

"It's my fourth time here. I figured I should say something. I'm scared though. Some of you may know who I am. You may have known Tyler. I screwed up his life."

You sure did, creep. I was seething. I hated him. I had seen him all of two minutes, and I hated him.

"We both drank a lot. I might have been a reason for him to drink. I'm not a good drunk. He finally made the effort to get better. I watched him get better. I hated that he could get better, and I was still a drunk."

Should have made the effort, you piece of shit. My heart was pounding.

"If you didn't know Tyler, he was my boyfriend. Yeah. I'm gay. I guess I'm not the only one here. But when I accepted that I was gay, that's when I really started drinking. My brother made fun of me. My friends kind of freaked out too."

Too bad! That's no excuse for what you did to Tyler. My blood boiled.

"Tyler was good for me. We fell in love. We were together for two years. He left his home in Birmingham for me. His family was pissed about that. He gave up everything for me. I didn't appreciate him enough."

Totally, you jerk. I hated him.

"And ... he had nowhere to turn when I wasn't what he needed."

Baker broke down and sobbed.

"The holidays were horrible. I just sat and cried. And drank. My life was over."

No, it wasn't. Tyler's life was over! Because of you! I could never forgive this guy.

"He seemed to be getting better. I thought I might give it a chance. I've gone over a week without drinking. I'm not sure how. It's killing me. It's all I knew how to do. Thank God I got it all out of the apartment. I'm not sure how long I can be strong. I just wish I would have come sooner with him. Because we'd both be sitting here."

Baker cried for a bit.

"I'm sorry. Thank you," he mumbled through tears.

The group clapped. I didn't.

As our group prepared to go out, I went up to Cooper, hoping he was joining us. He said he would.

Everyone got a coffee of some kind. I had a hot chocolate. It made me think of the lake house, which was a pleasant vibe to help me through the night. Two of them were very happy they could still get a peppermint something or other.

"Cooper, have you talked to Mitch at all? Today?" Ophelia asked.

"He's tried to call a few times. I won't pick up."

"What do you hope to gain by shutting him out?" I asked.

"I feel so ... not used, just ... cast off. I loved him. I don't know how he could do that."

"Well, Jakob and I kiss our friends. Maybe it isn't what you think it is."

"It looked pretty passionate. The fact that it was in a conference room wasn't just a passing friendship thing."

"I'm so sorry," Ophelia said.

"Me too," added Jakob.

"Don't give up on him yet," I said.

"Things had been so good!" Cooper blurted. "The holidays were great. My wife... my ex-wife and I ... we did a great job sharing my son ... Corey ... for Christmas. It was hard, but we made it work — for this first time. It was different, but we made it work. Corey loved staying with us. One night was at my place and we stayed at Mitch's house two nights. Mitchell loved Corey. I just don't get this. How could he do this?!"

I didn't know what to say. No one did.

"I mean, things were really great. Great. I thought we were kind of moving to the next step. We even had the talk with Corey."

"The talk? Like ... sex?"

"The gay sex talk."

"What's that?" asked Richard.

"Corey asked if the two of us really used `the body parts that go to the bathroom' to be romantic. He said that's what he heard."

My stomach turned over. Dear lord! How does one handle that question? I leaned over to Jakob's ear.

"That does it. We're never having kids," I whispered.

He smiled.

"We made it through difficult things like that," said Cooper. "We talked about moving in together. And then ... this! I just don't understand."

"I wish you had called," I said. "Please know you can call me anytime."

He nodded. He put his face in his hands. Cooper was so exceptionally handsome; I couldn't fathom why Mitch would even think about being with someone else. Something seemed missing. When he looked up again, I figured he wanted us to change the conversation.

"Richard, was your Christmas any better this year?" Jakob asked.

"It was. You boys started it out well. It was still tough at times, but instead of burying my feelings and just being sad, I embraced them and tried to remember Christmases that Marybeth and I shared. This year, I just tried to feel her presence in the house. I brought out many of her decorations, and it helped."

"Good for you," said Ophelia.

"Every now and then, I would talk to her picture. I used to only do that at her gravesite, but ... Jakob encouraged me to do it. It helped bring back some good times. It's funny how I worked so hard to forget them in the previous years."

There was a momentary lull in the conversation. Everyone took a drink of whatever they had ordered.

"What do we think about ... Baker," I said, making his name sound like a disease.

"It's going to be rough for him," Cooper said.

We all agreed.

"It's what he deserves. After Tyler," I grumbled.

"Just remember he is making first steps, Lance," Richard said. "He is going to need help."

I had no interest in helping him. I couldn't care less if he got better.

As we all got up, I stepped close to Cooper.

"You know you can always call me, right?"

He nodded.

"Tell me. Tell me you'll call if it gets bad."

"I will call you if it gets bad," he said.

I wasn't expecting another Tyler situation, but I wanted Cooper to know he had friends to help. I hugged him.

"We are here for you." I hugged him again.

As we walked out the door, Mitch was standing there, waiting. We all looked at Cooper. I squeezed his hand.

"You'll be okay," I softly said.

We left them alone.

 

—

 

Before Jakob and I turned out the light, I texted Cooper.

"Are you all right?"

A minute later, my phone buzzed.

"I'm okay. Thanks."

That was it. Jakob and I wanted to know more, but it wasn't our place to pry. Hopefully, Cooper would be forthcoming over the weekend.

 

—

 

Trent had joined the gym. We made a plan to work out on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I loved seeing more of him like this. He was liking his new role. He said he missed some of the lower-level tasks he used to do. But the new responsibilities were fine. He said Ed and Tara talked to him during the show every day. Tara would be out on vacation at the end of the month, and he would get to fill in as cohost. I thought that was super cool.

After what had transpired at the lake house, you'd think that watching Trent get undressed would be no big deal. Both of us still stole a glance at each other's naked body as we changed into shorts and a tank top. We had a special bond, and we were both probably attracted to each other.

More importantly, we had incredible men in our lives. Jakob and I talked each evening in bed before turning out the lights. Living together didn't mean our schedules would always jibe. Sometimes we'd only see each other an hour during the day. At least he was in my arms every night. Bliss.

As much as that night of passion at the lake house was amazing, we all settled into our lives of commitment to our partners. I loved Jakob. He had questions following the four-way, and I put his fears to rest that he was the only man I wanted. I was glad he was in my thoughts as Trent and I stood naked near other. I didn't expect us living together to make me love him more, but I did.

Trent told me that Mike was no longer sore from his fall on New Year's Eve. The bruise had finally left too. That was such an incredible holiday.

As we jogged, Lukas passed by, looking as hot as ever. It was the people who didn't look amazingly fit that I really respected. They were working hard. Since New Year's Day, membership increased by ten percent with all the resolutions and everything. I stopped to meet someone I hadn't met yet.

We passed Perry. He was a sweaty mess, which was a good thing. I introduced him to Trent.

"I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. How is it going?" I asked with a smile.

"It's going. I'm hanging in there," he panted.

"You sure are. How many pounds are we down?"

"I think seven, but part of that comes from just not drinking so much alcohol."

"Still, in just five weeks, that's impressive. How did you make it through all the holiday desserts and still lose weight?"

"I avoided them at all costs. I told my family of my goals, and no one pushed them on me. Mom even had some low-calorie options. On the days the gym wasn't opened, I made sure to walk the neighborhood."

"You're the man!" I said.

We high-fived and moved on. Trent waved. I explained to Trent that I met Perry through AA. I said even though he looked very overweight, I could detect a slight difference. Perry had a long way to go, but at least his steps in the right direction were good. I would ask him to join us for coffee if we share another meeting.

One of the members came up to talk to me following our run on the track. I introduced Trent.

"I'm sorry if I'm forward, Lance. You've always given me the impression you're gay. I hope I'm not out of bounds here," this gentleman said. I got the impression that Trent felt awkward. I didn't feel threatened.

"No, Marshall, that's fine. It's not a problem, right?"

"No. Not at all. It's just that ... wait, are you two a couple?"

"No," Trent laughed. "Just friends. Best friends. I got engaged over the holidays."

"Congratulations! Um, so ... my wife and I have a good friend whom we think is totally great. Nice looking. We think you'd be perfect for him. Or ... duh ... you two would be good together."

"Sorry. I'm spoken for." I walked over to my desk in my office close by. I came back with my phone. "This is Jakob."

"Oh. You two look great together. I LOVE the setting. It's beautiful."

Trent looked. "That's actually my backyard, just before Thanksgiving."

"Jakob actually did the decorating. He made it look great. On a shoestring too."

"He's amazing," Trent said.

"Really? Hang on." Marshall walked away. A minute later he came back. "Here's my card. I own a shop called Visions. It's decorative items, we help out with weddings, remodel lobbies, ... a lot of things. I don't know how much Jakob loves his job, but he seems like he'd be a great fit with us if he has any interest."

"I'll ask," I said.

 

"You seem like you'd be a good fit if you are interested," the distribution manager said in the interview. "Your schedule matches what we need, you are physically fit as this does involve a lot of lifting, and your references are people I know."

"My senior year starts at the end of August, so my schedule will change some, by a couple of hours at least, at that time," I said.

"Understood."

I accepted the job. I was supposed to make deliveries from a distribution center to several stores. Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays were typically snacks. Tuesdays was always publications. Thursdays were generally displays, usually to showcase a feature item in stores for the shopping weekend.

A few weeks into it, my arms were no longer sore. I was getting in better shape with all the deliveries and carrying and lifting. It was my fifth week. I knew the routine. The store owners knew me. It was a good summer job.

As I took out the old magazines from the previous week and replaced them with new ones, I noticed the difference between weekly ones and monthly ones. The ones considered pornography were wrapped in plastic with the outer wrap concealing the full nudity. At the bottom of one box was one magazine that was out of its wrap and had a torn cover. It was clear the store could not sell it.

I had seen naked women before. Not a lot: science class, some paintings, an occasional R-rated movie Mom and Dad let me see. I placed the "empty" box in my car at the end of the shift.

That night, I took it out as I got ready for bed. Looking at naked women was interesting. It was mostly women, but two of the features showed a man and woman in several sexual positions. I noticed when I shifted from looking at the women to looking at the men, my dick got hard. One showed a woman licking a guy's penis. It was hard and the magazine showed all of it. I didn't want to turn the page. I just stared at this guy's anatomy. I took off my underwear and stroked my cock looking at this other guy's package. When I came, I made sure to move the magazine to not soil it.

The next night I explored the magazine further. There were stories of people having sex. The writing about men being hard and getting off aroused me too.

A month later, I had to replace those. Each week, we recorded how many old issues were removed and turned in those figures each week. Most were just dumped in the recycle bin. I had seen that there were also publications just showing men. As I threw them in the bin, I slipped one male magazine under my shirt, walked back to my car and slid it under the seat. I made sure no one saw me. I sure hoped they didn't. What kind of weird 17-year-old freak would I look like grabbing a magazine with men. It's not like I was gay. Just kind of curious. I wanted to see what it was about.

Mom and Dad went to bed. I darted to my car and then ran back inside. I locked the door and bolted to my bedroom.

I stripped nude and started flipping through. I looked at every page. My dick felt harder and stronger and longer than it ever had. I noticed the difference in men's cocks. Some had extra skin. I assumed this is what is meant when I heard guys say "uncut." Some were longer than others. Mine was bigger than all of these guys. Was that good? Or was something wrong with mine? Would women hate it? Should I let another guy ever see it?

I realized this wasn't a magazine for women. There were stories about guys having sex with each other.

I looked at every page. I yanked on my dick. One guy looked beautiful to me. He had a beard. I liked that. I hoped I started to grow a beard soon. I wish I had a hairy body like his.

I could feel my cock about to explode. I didn't want to get cum on the pages, so I threw it off the bed. I closed my eyes and tried to picture that naked man again. My dick shot streams of thick cum on my chest. I looked at my dick. I pictured myself in that magazine. It didn't show any cum on guys. Did everyone's cum look like mine? Was my dick weird?

I ran to my bathroom to wipe my chest off. I knew I had to hide the magazine. Where would no one look? What if Mom found it? Oh my god, what if Oliver came home and found it?

What was I doing? I wasn't gay. Why was I jerking off to men? I would secretly throw this away tomorrow.

I kept the magazine for three weeks. I looked at it every night.

Then I looked at a bearded guy too long on one of my deliveries. He called me a fag. I wrapped the magazine in a paper towel and buried it at the bottom of the trash.

 

"I actually have already asked Jakob to decorate for our wedding. He really does have a flair for it," Trent said.

Marshall said goodbye and walked away.

"What do you know?" I said, looking at Trent. "This could be good for Jakob."

 

—

 

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I don't know. I like my job at QT, but obviously a job with more money would be good for us, whatever we decide to do. Do we know what this would pay?" Jakob asked.

"No, I don't. Go in and see Marshall. He seemed impressed just from a photo."

"I don't have a college degree. I have no experience. What if I flop at this?"

"I believe in you, baby. I'll support whatever you want to do. But this sounds like stuff you like to do."

"It does." He thought. "With the two of us making money, would we want to get a place of our own one day?"

"You don't have a problem with Evan, do you?"

"Heavens no," Jakob said. "Evan's awesome."

"But ... ?"

"Do you ever want what Mike and Trent have?"

"Well. Yeah. Wait. You're not proposing, are you?"

He laughed hard.

"No. We aren't there yet, angel. But I do think you will make an ideal husband one day."

He kissed me good night.

An ideal husband? I've never once thought of myself as a husband. With a male or female. Jakob and I were in a good place. We don't need the pressure of marriage staring over us. We weren't there. But a place of our own ...? Maybe.

Jakob had lived with me just over a week. He had stayed over several times before, so it shouldn't have felt that different. In some ways it didn't at all, and yet, I knew we were committed to being with each other.

I moved my body up next to his. It was chilly, so his warm skin pressed to mine felt good. I wrapped my arm around him. One of his hands reached for my hand. He held it close to his chest. I moved it a little later and let my fingers run through his bush. I always liked Jakob's bush. It reminded me of one of the guys I saw in a magazine when I was 17. Again, he held my hand next to his body. I could feel his penis get erect next to my hand.

The warmth of the two of us sent us off to sleep.

 

* * * *

 

This was a short chapter, but you can check out the post: "Magazines" on the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com