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Meeting No. 60 February 13

"Hi, I'm Lance. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Lance," the group replied.

"I'm also an ass. I can't believe how badly I hurt someone two weeks ago."

Andrew and I looked each other in the eyes.

"Just when I think I'm this mature adult, I let myself know I have the ability to still be an idiot. Someone needed some serious help. I almost caused him not to get it. I keep haunting myself by what could possibly have happened. It still scares me shitless. I figured I had some things to deal with too. I went with ... a friend ... to get some counseling. Maybe together we could get better.

"At least both of us can deal with it with a clear head. I'm more than seven months sober now. That's a good thing."

I wondered if any of those that were at the coffee shop that night thought worse of me. Some of them were in the audience tonight. I hope they could tell how sincerely sorry and ashamed I was of my actions.

"I really don't know how to end this share. I just look at all of you and feel shame. I hope I can be a better person for you. I appreciate you.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

I returned to my seat next to Jakob. Andrew was sitting next to him.

"Hi, I'm Isaac. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Isaac," the group replied.

"Well, my son still won't agree to see me. But the good news, I guess, is we do talk on the phone about every two weeks. He knows I have been sober for over a year, but he still won't let his walls down. I guess when he saw me at my worst, there are going to be trust issues. But I suppose we are making progress.

"He did text me a picture of his girlfriend. They seem to be talking about getting married. If that comes, I hope I can be invited to the wedding. It gives me a goal to work toward. One step at a time, right?

"It's – it's just so sad that I missed all those warning signs during those awful years. My son tried to tell me to not drink so much. I ignored him. Soon he said he wouldn't spend time with me if I had been drinking. You'd think your child saying those words would wake you up. I just ..." Isaac stopped. "I just couldn't put the glass down. In fact, I just filled it up again after he left.

"I own up to my mistakes now. I wish I could have back then.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

"Hi, I'm Andrew. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Andrew," the group replied.

"I used to go by Baker. But now that I am getting a little counseling, I realize I truly didn't like who that person was. I thought I would try to be a better person; I'll use my first name again.

"If you didn't know, Lance was talking about me. He tried not to say my name, but it was me. He's really hard on himself. I get where he was coming from. I know why he was angry. I was angry. I hated myself."

Andrew and I were in a weird place. We were trying to get better. I still have moments of hatred toward him, but like he said, that's the old him. I knew people just couldn't wave past mistakes away with their hand, but I try to remember who I was when I was drunk. I may not have led someone to suicide, but I sure didn't help my friendships with Trent and Mike when I was drunk. I can't fully judge Andrew until I walk a mile in his shoes.

"It was nice of Lance to go to two sessions with me. I went to another one on my own. I like to think I'm not considering taking my life now. I guess that's a good thing. I still don't know how to forgive myself though.

"The weird thing is ... I noticed I laughed yesterday. I haven't laughed in ... a few months. I'm sure I was drunk at the time then. Yesterday was so simple. Someone tripped on the sidewalk. They weren't hurt, but their awkward recovery just struck me as humorous. I laughed." Andrew paused. "I laughed. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that again.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

We had a small group wanting to go for coffee. I convinced them to shake it up with some ice cream. They consented. Baker ... well Andrew, asked if he could join. He hadn't joined us since I blew up at him last month.

O wasn't there for this meeting. It was just four of us this evening. All gay. We each sat down with a sundae.

"I feel I should be okay with a few calories," Cooper said.

"Oh, please. You've looked fantastic since you've joined. You don't gain an ounce," I said.

Cooper laughed. "I just know the right clothes that will disguise it."

"Mitch is a very lucky man," Jakob said. "You're very handsome. Are you two still good?"

"Better actually. We are thinking I can move in at the beginning of next month."

"To his place? Or someplace new?"

"His, for now. He has a two-bedroom apartment. With the two of us there, both our expenses will go down. That will help us save."

"I can totally relate to that," Jakob said. "I know Lance and I — and, well, Evan too — have enjoyed that."

"Have you mentioned it to Corey?" Jakob asked.

"Not in a real conversation. But I casually asked one time — when we stayed over there — if he thought it would be okay if I ever moved in with Mitch. He seemed fine with it. I guess. I don't really know."

"Do you two have plans for Valentine's Day?" I asked.

"We know restaurants will be packed, so we are trying to think of another option. We've decided no gifts to save money."

"Us too," I said. "But we want to make the day special."

"Would you consider dinner at our place?" Jakob asked.

Huh? That was out of the blue. I guess it was no big deal. He and I didn't have serious plans. And heaven knows he could make the place presentable with ease.

"Uh. Yeah," I said. "We'd enjoy getting to know Mitch better. We haven't really talked since Friendsgiving."

"I'll text him," Cooper said.

I noticed Baker looking down at his sundae. I realized all this Valentine's Day talk was probably kind of rough.

"Andrew? You okay?"

"Eh. I was just thinking about Valentine's Day last year. Tyler and I started out at our favorite Italian place. Dinner was nice. We came home. Then we started drinking. Something set me off; I can't even remember. I drank more. Faster. I imagine we both assumed we'd be having sex, but then I pass out on the couch. Or at least fell asleep. Poor guy. We both just drank too much. I'm sure he did that night because I was a disappointment."

"Sorry," Jakob and I said.

"But please don't let me be a continual downer. You guys should be able to have a conversation without worrying about me. And to be honest, to hear people talk about being in love kind of lets me know there is hope out there."

"You two were together for at least a few years. Did your sex life stay good all that time?" I asked.

"Ah, there is the Lance we all know and love," Jakob said. "Andrew, you have to learn something about Lance; he loves to talk about sex."

Baker chuckled. We all smiled because we heard it; he had chuckled.

"Actually, I guess that was pretty good. It was still regular. I guess. I mean, not every night. If we were both sober, it was good. If I had been drinking, I was probably too rough. I'm not sure how Tyler felt about it. To be honest, if I wasn't yelling at him, he was probably okay. I really did love him. I just didn't show it well. If only I had come to AA with him."

The rest of us didn't know what to say.

"You're here now," I offered. "Your recovery has started."

"How did you two end up seeing a counselor together?" Cooper asked Andrew and me.

"Lance suggested it," Andrew said.

"I – I – I was such a prick two weeks ago," I said. "I got his number from Richard the next day. I was terrified that I had somehow pushed him too far. I called every day. I knew I had my anger issues. I saw there was the counselor in the same center we have our meetings ... and I asked Andrew to come."

"Just the first two. I've gone back on my own."

My hatred at Baker was gone. I wasn't sure I could forget all the damage he caused to be close friends with Andrew, but I had to believe everyone deserved a second chance. I got one. He just had a lot to put behind him.

 

—

 

I liked Mitchell. He and Cooper seemed a good fit.

Evan was out with Kristy for Valentine's Day, so it was just the four of us. Jakob and I had a nice dinner prepared. Since it wasn't like they could bring a bottle of wine, they offered to bring dessert. It was a strawberry pie. It was festively red for the holiday. We both had nice shirts on. I was wearing the necklace Jakob gave me. He had the table looking wonderfully beautiful and hospitable.

"So, Mitch, has it been hard for you to not drink around Cooper?" Jakob asked.

"No. It was easy. If that was what it took for us to work, then I didn't feel it was a great sacrifice."

"What a sweet answer," I said.

"Mitch has put up with a lot: I had to come out, I had a son, the divorce, AA ... he's been very big about that."

"Was he your first kiss?" Jakob asked.

"Meaning a man, I assume. No. Once in high school. We were just so young and innocent. Things just ... happened. We just felt ... we should do it. It was nice. I wasn't expecting it. Then all the Christian guilt hit us."

"That's how I felt with Lance," Jakob said.

"Oh?" Mitchell said.

"Not the Christian guilt part. He was so nice to me one night. So helpful and caring. I figured I wasn't going to ever do anything with him again. He had to know I was ... a big nobody, so I didn't expect to really spend time with him again. I just wanted to thank him. The fact that he was handsome didn't hurt. It was very spontaneous. I just felt I should do it. I kissed him good night."

"And look at us now," I smiled. "Jakob's the best thing to ever happen to me."

"Aw. You two are so adorable," Mitch said.

"We each come with baggage, so we're pretty understanding," I said.

"Don't we all," Cooper said.

Mitchell kissed Cooper.

"Mitch, how are you when Cooper has Corey?" I asked.

"I love it. While, yes, it is nice when the two of us have some alone time, but the weekends Coop has Corey are awesome. We have fun together."

"I can't imagine having to explain the whole gay world to a kid," I said.

"Well, you don't have to explain the whole gay world," Cooper said. "But he's kind of a mature kid. He's handled it well. He and Mitch get along great. They hug. Mitch will sometimes help with homework. They've bonded well."

"You were still married when you two ... how do I phrase it ... flirted? How did that begin?" Jakob asked.

"A lot of looks and glances in the beginning," Mitch said.

"Once he winked at me, and that took a real turn. My heart raced when I saw him. I couldn't deny something was there," Cooper said.

"So, Mitch, you just assumed he was closeted?" I asked.

Mitchell finished swallowing his last bite of Hawaiian rice. "My gaydar went off."

"Hm. And the fact that he was married ...?" I led.

"I was a mess following a breakup. I was really attracted to Coop. I picked up vibes that he kind of was into me, too, but I really wrestled with interfering in a marriage. Finally, some leading phrases led to a first kiss. Then they were regular."

"That's when I knew. I was living a lie. I just didn't want to hurt Natalie. I had always been a fairly heavy drinker — a couple every night at home — but I got bad. Really bad. After a few months, I was kissing Mitch at work and living a lie at home. We had sex in a closet at work after hours one night. Then I wasn't just living a lie, I started lying. I got home late. I made up excuses and just drank. Natalie didn't even want to be around me. I'm not sure why Mitch even stayed with me." Cooper paused. He looked at Mitch. "Why didn't you just move on?"

"I knew what I wanted. I thought you were worth waiting for."

They kissed again.

The two of them seemed to be in a good place. I was happy for them. Although they had that hiccup, they seemed to be right for each other.

"How are things with you and Natalie?" Jakob asked.

"Eh. It is better I would say, but she's still a bit chilly. Oddly enough, her parents are more supportive, especially the mom. I think her dad just cares about Corey. They know I am going through a lot, but he also knows I hurt his daughter, so..." Cooper paused and got lost in his own thoughts. "They've reached out a few times. We've talked on occasion. I don't think they hate me. They're sad, but Corey I guess keeps me in their lives to a certain extent. I even sent them a Christmas card. They sent a small gift to me via Corey."

"Nice," I said.

Sitting on the couch and loveseat, we enjoyed the dessert. It was fantastic.

Conversation took a momentary lull. I wouldn't be able to explain why, but my thoughts drifted to Andrew. What was he doing? What was he feeling?

"I wonder how Andrew is?" I softly uttered.

"Huh?" they asked.

"Oh. I just thought about Andrew. Valentine's Day has to be agonizingly painful."

We discussed him a moment, but we didn't dwell on it.

Soon, the evening ended. Cooper and Mitchell were grateful for being invited. We enjoyed it as well.

After the guys had left, Jakob and I had settled into bed. Evan had texted he was staying at Kristy's tonight. That was good for him, but even better for us. We had a candle burning next to the bed.

"I'm happy for those two," Jakob said, as he moved into my arms in bed.

"Me too. It was a nice evening. I'm glad you suggested it."

"Yeah."

"Can you imagine having a sex talk with a kid? I mean, talking about two men?"

"I would die having to talk about any kind of sex with a kid," he said. "I remember Dad trying to talk to me. What a disaster. He was scared to death. Of course, it was all `No sex until marriage,' but he felt I should know the basics. Which I did already. I was mortified to hear private things coming from him, and he looked like he was in hell talking to me about it."

"I remember Cooper saying Corey asked about the parts men used. Ugh! When you get down to it, any kind of sex is really gross when you define it with words. The parts involved. It really is weird. Bodies are weird."

"Weird, but efficient," Jakob said.

I rolled over to kiss Jakob on the cheek.

"Your body, however, is wonderful," I said before a deep kiss.

"Thank you for saying that. It's nothing compared to yours, but I appreciate you making me feel okay about it."

"Oh, it's more than okay. I love it," I said.

I moved my kisses down his neck to his nipple, to his navel until I swallowed his penis. I kept it inside my mouth enjoying feeling it get firm. I sucked on it like a second dessert. My tongue traced the base of his shaft. He moaned as I continued servicing on his organ. My mouth and tongue had grown to know the feel of Jakob's skin. I could recognize his cock in a blind test. I continued to consume his full length. I hummed. He groaned.

"I love how you make my cock feel," he softly told me.

He moaned as I worked his spike a few more minutes. He would whisper my name in his moans; I liked that. Then he pulled me off.

"I need you, too," he said.

He turned around in bed so that both of us could devour each other's body. I called out a loud grunt as his mouth wrapped around my cock and slid down.

"Oh yeah, honey."

I took his dick back in my mouth. We would have been content to 69 for hours. It was a slow suck. It seemed right for the holiday. Soft and tender seemed more appropriate than loud and acrobatic.

For a while. We were both really hot after 15 minutes. Our moaning was louder. I came up for air.

"Finish me, baby," I said, sitting up against the headboard.

I spread my legs open. He took a break from my dick to lick my balls. His tongue wrapped around them; then his mouth inhaled them. He moved up to kiss me. We passionately made out for several minutes. My legs lifted up and wrapped around him. We were entangled.

"Suck me some more baby," I pleaded.

He delivered. Soft and tender movements had transformed into rapid plunging on my cock. I was howling now. My fingers combed through his hair as he serviced my equipment.

"You make my body feel so good, honey. I love how you make my cock feel, baby! Suck me."

I was deep in his throat. Jakob could take more of my cock more than any other man I had fooled around with. My hands gripped the hair on his head between my fingers. I gripped his neck. It was on fire, almost feverish like. We were hot. I started to feel moisture on my chest. Our sex was making me sweat.

"Oh, baby. Yeah. I'm getting close."

Jakob sucked my cock like a madman. He moaned into my flesh. I loudly called his name.

"Jakob. Jakob! That's it, baby. Oh yeah. You're making me come. I'm gonna come. Ohhhhhh, YES!"

He took all of it in his throat. Thick. Hot. White. Lance Love. My hips were bucking. My body was shuddering following the grip of my climax.

I lay still. He moved up to kiss me deeply. My tongue could get a drip of my cum from his mouth. We kissed for several minutes.

"Fuck me," I whispered into his mouth.

"Really? You came. Are you sure?"

"I know I want you inside me on Valentine's Day."

"Cherry or coconut?"

"Surprise me."

My hands were on the headboard. I was on my knees; Jakob towered behind me. The fragrance of coconut was evident in the air. He slicked my hole to prepare me. He could finger me so well. I had already experience orgasm, but his probing still felt good. I winced as he entered, but his hard flesh glided in. His cock pounded my ass for five minutes. It hurt only briefly at the beginning, but Jakob is comfortable in me. He's the perfect fuck. Even though I had already come, I loved the idea of him being in me, loving me.

"Oh, Lance. It feels good to be in you. My dick loves being in you," he called out as his crotch shoved my ass.

I thought he was getting close. I asked him to stop.

"I want to see you. I want to watch you when you come."

I moved to the edge of the bed. I spread my legs as he stood before me. My arms lifted my legs, and he entered my hole again.

"Oh yeah," we both mirrored.

His beard, his chest, his shoulders. I could see him in the candlelight. I loved watching him fuck me. He got loud. No words, just sounds. I groaned too. I assumed neighbors might hear us. Jakob had an edge to his volume that let me know he was close.

"Do it, baby. Shoot your love in me. Come for me."

"UNGH!" he screamed with one last shove. He pushed my ass with his crotch as his orgasm splashed within. He groaned with each spasm, each blast of cum. It was heaven watching him, knowing the two of us pleasured each other so well.

He pulled out. His arms grabbed mine, lifting me from the bed. We kissed, standing there with our dicks toying with each other.

After a moment to clean up, we settled back in bed. I kissed him and blew out the candle.

"How long has it been since I told you I love you?" I asked.

"Maybe an hour?" he said.

"Good grief. That's too long. I love you, Jakob Morgan. I always will."

"Happy Valentine's Day, angel. I love you too."

We kissed one last time and moved into each other's arms again. We lay still but didn't fall asleep.

"You know what, Lance?"

"What, babe?"

"Last year, I don't think anything happened on Valentine's Day. With the roommates, I mean. I don't think anyone screwed around. Probably afraid to make it mean anything. It was a truly meaningless, forgettable holiday."

"What a difference a year makes."

We had agreed to no gifts. As he snuggled in my arms to spoon his body into mine, my eyes looked at our dresser. Slight illumination from a streetlight seeped into the room. My eyes had become accustomed to the dark. Our two cards were on the dresser. The one he gave me was shiny red, and the simple lighting made it sparkle for me. Inside it read:

Angel,

In a million years, I never thought
I could love a man
as wonderful as you
as kind as you
as beautiful as you
And yet you are in my life. You make
me so unbelievably happy.

I will always love you,

He and Trent had talked wedding plans on the phone the other night. As I listened to them, I told myself I wasn't really the marrying type. I never imagined myself married to a woman. Guys got married nowadays, but that didn't seem to be something for me.

Now, as I gazed at this card on the dresser, I thought on his last line: I will always love you.

He had thought back to last year earlier. Last Valentine's Day, I was afraid to take any girl out. That implied too much. I remembered jacking off in my bed, thinking about all the guys on my basketball team. The memory caused me to close my eyes and exhale a burst of disgust. I lusted after guys and yet perish forbid I admitted I was gay. No way. Not me. Now a year later, I had expressed my love for another man in the card on the dresser.

No one knows if anything can be forever. But like Jakob, I wanted us to last forever. Married or not, I never wanted to lose him.

I wasn't a religious person, but something compelled me to whisper a prayer to God thanking him for sending me Jakob so I could learn to love. I had shed all those fears and inhibitions from a year ago.

Indeed, what a difference a year made.

 

* * * *

 

Look for a post on the blog, timothylane414stories.blogspot.com, titled "Valentine's Day."

I love receiving feedback: timothylane414@gmail.com