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Meeting No. 95 June 19

"Hi, I'm Cooper. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Cooper," the group replied.

"I have something good to share. I was surprised when my son told me something the other day. I thought the whole concept of finding out your dad is gay was already a big enough transition for a kid to handle. Mitch and I refrained from showing a lot of affection in front of him. I didn't want to weird him out.

"Maybe he is at the right age. I have no way of knowing. The other day, he said, `Dad, you and Mitchell kiss, right?' I wasn't sure where he was headed. I told him we did. He knew we loved each other. He accepted that. He said, `You used to kiss Mom in front of me. Why don't you kiss Mitch in front of me?' I was floored. It amazed me that my own son had thought this through.

"I told him I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. He said he was totally cool with it. Is my son great or what? Obviously, we aren't a soap opera in front of him, but I guess it is one more step as a family. It's nice.

"Thank you."

The group clapped.

"Hi, I'm Richard. I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Richard," the group replied.

"Last week was our anniversary. I've been pretty good about not drinking. Well, I mean I don't. But there are times when just one drink ... just one ... sounds really nice." He paused. "But we don't stop at one, do we?"

I could empathize with Richard. If I had lost Jakob, I have no idea what my willpower would be.

"The boys taught me at Christmas to not suppress things I remembered about her. The holidays were better by remembering our good times together. I tried to think of all the places we visited over the years. I think it helps to remember rather than try to forget. It's still hard, no doubt. I continue to miss her every day. I'm just glad I'm not doing it drunk. I put a small, framed photo in the cabinet where I used to keep liquor. If I find that ... gnawing ... to walk over there, her picture is there to put it all into perspective.

"Thank you."

Cooper had to run to Corey's school thing. Ophelia had her daughter this weekend. Andrew had long moved. It would have been fine not to go out afterward, but I thought Richard might need some company. We opted for milkshakes.

"Where did you go on your honeymoon?" I asked.

"We went to Niagara Falls. Pretty typical, huh?"

"I'd still love to see it," Jakob said. "I've hardly been anywhere."

"We have our whole lives," I told him.

We listened to Richard recount his honeymoon to us. I recalled seeing Niagara Falls as a young child but didn't have vivid memories. I think I remembered the spray more than the view. The mist on my skin. And the roar. Richard described he and his wife walking along the street at night overlooking the view of the horseshoe falls and just holding each other as colored lights illuminated the water.

"Can we tell him our secret?" Jakob asked me.

"Sure."

"Okay, you're the first to know, Richard. Lance and I are engaged. We're getting married."

"That's what engaged means," I said in a mocking tone.

"That's great news! When's the date?"

"We haven't decided. We haven't decided on ANYthing. Where to have it? How many people? Where should we go on our honeymoon?" Jakob informed.

"I know the answer to that last one," I said.

"You haven't said anything before."

"It donned on me this weekend. I saw your snow globe. I want to go to that ski resort in Colorado."

"Why there? That's my memory."

"It's a happy place for you. I want to be able to share that with you."

"I love it," Jakob said.

"Sounds lovely," Richard agreed.

Jakob smiled at me. I winked back at him while my mouth slurped on my shake.

 

—

 

I had helped Mike and Trent move a load of boxes yesterday. Jakob had a morning shift at Visions. He had not seen the boys since the wedding. I saw Trent three times a week at the gym. We committed to a full day of help today and then would go out for dinner.

We arrived at the new house at 9. The moving truck was already there. They had begun hauling furniture inside. Boxes on top of boxes were stacked to the side of the living room.

"When do you get the piano?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. I think by the end of the month. Mom and Dad wanted to make sure we had everything else out of the way before they lugged that in," Trent said.

"Well, Lance sees you all the time, but I want to hear everything about the honeymoon," Jakob said.

"Well, we had our first fight as a married couple," Mike said.

"You didn't even make it a week?"

"He's making it sound worse that it was," Trent said. "He wanted to show me a trail he really liked. I diverted us into something else, which was only supposed to be a half hour, which ended up being three. Then it rained and we never made it to that trail. He was not a happy camper."

"It was really cool," Mike said. "But it is just a reason to go back."

"And it wasn't a fight. He was fucking me like crazy three hours after that. We just argued for a few minutes."

"It's nice to know the perfect couple is made up of real people," I said.

"And here I thought you two were the perfect couple," said Mike.

That would have been an ideal time to tell them the news, but we still wanted to get some details in place. Plus, they were still newlyweds; we didn't need to crowd into their blissful moment.

I picked up a box and a stab of pain went through my wrist. "Aughh!"

They all looked at me.

"Sorry. On a rare occasion, a sharp pain will shoot through my wrist. Isn't that weird? It healed almost a year ago."

"It's the same with me and my side ... from falling down the stairs on New Year's Day. Random ... out of the blue," Mike said. "But it reminds me of a great weekend, so I always look at it kind of fondly when I feel it."

"What a great attitude. I guess it can remind me of a turning point." I looked at Jakob. "A turning point for the better."

"It sure was," Trent said.

It's hard to believe a year had passed since my car wreck. That life was gone. College days. Constant drinking — for me at least. I wasn't a good drunk. I was bitter, almost spiteful. And 22. How pitiful, how pathetic. I was so young. Alcohol consumed me in a matter of months. I don't know if I could ever just "have one" now and then. I never want to take the risk. I looked at Jakob; my heart was swarmed with warmth. Never. I never want to take a chance on something so trivial leading me down a path I will regret forever.

"Do you two have plans to leave town for the 4th?" I asked.

"No. We just took a big vacation. What did you have in mind?" Mike said.

"I get my One Year chip that weekend. Would you come with me that night?"

"Absolutely, buddy. We'd be delighted to be there. Dinner afterwards?"

It was a date.

By evening, we had made great strides. Furniture was in place and put together. There were a ton of boxes. We divided them by rooms. They had all of them clearly marked. We were a big help today, but the two of them still had a lot awaiting them.

As much as I was glad not to have to deal with all that, I envisioned a day when Jakob and I got a place of our own. Something to look forward to. And dread the move.

We took a break. Jakob asked to see honeymoon photos. He and Trent went off to the office. It was fairly well set up.

I pulled Mike to the side.

"Can we talk a minute?"

"Sure, what's up. Anything wrong?"

"Ummm. Not necessarily. I just need advice."

"What about?"

We sat on the stairs. It was in the middle of a sea of boxes.

"I'm thrilled that Jakob has reconnected with his family, but things aren't super great with his father. They talk ... a little ... and that's it. Trent's dad had issues with you two, particularly you. How did you handle it? He was great at the wedding. What did you do to change all that?"

"I didn't do a lot. It's what I didn't do which is probably the most important. I didn't get upset. I didn't ever yell or push back. I just ... was myself. I didn't pretend to be anything different. In time, they saw that I truly loved Trent and that I made him happy and that we were very happy together."

"I'm not sure if his dad will ever feel that way."

"And maybe he won't. You can't do anything about that. People feel what they feel. They usually have reasons for it, not that they are good reasons. Just be you. You and Jakob are awesome. They will see that."

"I think his brother has come around. He seems to like me well enough."

"Just love each other. That's all you have to do."

I leaned up against Mike. "You're a good man, Michael Terry."

"Back at you, Lance Wheeling."

"You seem so wise," I said, staring into the trance-like blur of moving boxes.

"Us old codgers are."

We chuckled. I punched him in the arm. Then I planted a smooch on his cheek.

"It's funny. It really isn't that long ago that Trent and I were in college. It just seems so different now. I feel ..." I wasn't sure how to describe it.

"Like an adult?" Mike said.

"Yeah. I mean, that last semester I used the same towel for a month and probably washed my sheets two or three times the whole semester."

"Yuck. College life. But look how far you've come. Responsible. Caring. You're a good man. An adult man."

"I guess," I said, looking at my feet. "Nothing like Trent, though."

"Why would you say that?"

"Oh, c'mon. He sold a play, he's on the radio, you two can build a new house ... I'm nowhere near that level."

"You've both grown up a lot." Mike placed his hand on top of mine. "You're wonderful men. Trent has had good fortune in a more public way, but you both have been successful. He found a job; you found a job. He fell in love; you fell in love."

I thought back to who I was that last semester. I was in such stupid denial of being gay — or bi, whatever. I drank too much. I was an arrogant prick. And I was so hung up on Trent. Mike had to know I was in love with Trent, but somehow still found a way to be my friend.

"I remember you coming to our basketball games. I thought you were such a hunk and..."

"And you don't anymore?" he interjected.

I punched him in the arm. "Shut up. You're delicious." We chuckled. "I was so jealous of you."

"Oh?"

"I knew I could never live up to you. I loved Trent but wouldn't admit it." I then said in a self-mocking tone, "I'm not gay or anything."

Mike put his arm around me.

"You've come a long way. I'm so glad you are my friend," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"Trent was wise to choose you."

We both wrapped our arms around each other. As we pulled apart, we gave a peck on the lips.

Mike stared out over the remaining boxes before us and sighed. "It never ends."

Jakob and Trent came back. We rested on the couches in the living room. It was one area that seemed navigable.

"Would it be okay if I had a beer?" Mike asked us.

"Of course. No problem."

"I don't want to be insensitive. I just feel like I could use one."

I remembered that feeling. Sadly, it morphed into "I must have one" mode faster than I would have expected. I still craved one from time to time. Fortunately my brains kick in. Picturing my father snaps me out of it. But my tastebuds ... they know what they are missing. It can sometimes be tough. But receiving my One Year chip was sure to make me feel good.

The rest of us enjoyed flavored waters.

"We brought a change of clothes," Jakob said. "We could go home and shower before going out, but if you let us use your guest bath, we could clean up right here."

"No problem. You can let us know if something doesn't work," Trent said with a smile.

"Just no sex!" Mike commanded. "Trent and I get to christen the house tonight."

We all laughed.

I liked their old place. It seemed odd that they let it go. Granted this place is bigger. With Trent receiving a piano, that will help. I'm sure once they are settled in here and everything is in place, it will be "them." My best friends will make it "home."

"Is everything settled with Ethan? Paperwork all done?" I asked.

"Oh yes," said Mike. "He's taking a few days off at the end of the week to move everything. He has to be completely out of his place by the end of the month, so that gives him some breathing room."

"He lives alone, right?" Jakob said.

"Yes. As far as I know, he isn't seeing anybody."

"Too bad Evan isn't gay. I could set them up," I said.

"What?" everybody asked.

"Oh, Evan is just down on himself. He feels like he will never find anybody."

"Evan's great. Why would he think that?" Trent said.

"He's just seen the four of us find our mates ... find true love. He feels like he is missing out."

"Aw. He'll find someone," said Mike.

Jakob and I were in the shower 20 minutes later. We didn't need shampoo, but Trent found a bar of soap in one of the boxes, along with two towels. I could tell by the way Jakob was looking at the bathroom and the bedroom, he was getting decorating ideas.

"This isn't your house, babe."

"I know. Just thinking."

I got my hands full of soap suds and started lathering Jakob's crotch. I got him hard. That made me hard. I stroked the suds up, over and around his cock. Slipping and sliding, my grip worked his erection like a sculptor molding clay on a potter's wheel. He lightly moaned.

More soap made more suds when lathered on his balls. One finger went below and teased at the hole of his ass.

"We told the guys we wouldn't," Jakob winked.

"Right."

He bent down and sucked my cock a minute. I ran my fingers through his wet hair. His tongue played with my shaft. I moaned a bit. Warm water poured over his face as he slurped on my mammoth tool. His hand reached below my balls. He fondled them gently before prodding my crevice. Just the tip of one finger went into my ass. I gasped for breath.

"Jakob," I whispered.

He lifted his body and kissed me.

"It doesn't count unless you come," he said.

I smiled at him. We held each other in the heated spray and kissed for a while. The warmth felt good on our bodies after a day of lifting. We loved grinding our cocks into each other while we kissed.

"We're taking too long," he said.

I nodded, but we continued to kiss and press our erections into each other.

Eventually, we stopped being playful and exited the shower.

As we got ready in the guest bedroom, I told him: "Remember, no decorating advice unless they ask for it."

"I know, I know." Then he added: "Dad."

"Hey. Don't compare me to your father," I snapped.

"That's not what I meant."

"Speaking of which, let's get serious about who to invite to our wedding."

"WHAT wedding?" Mike said, entering the room.

We both stood naked before Mike. That didn't bother us. We had left the door open. We had all had been intimate together anyway. We weren't sure how to respond. Our eyes were wide at our verbal slip.

"Oh. I guess we have dinner conversation now."

We did. They didn't understand why we had kept this to ourselves. We told them we wanted to wait until the glow of their ceremony wasn't quite as bright. We didn't want to horn in.

"Oh, please. We're old news by now," said Trent. "I'm totally psyched. I am happy for you. This is exciting. Really! It warms my heart," he said, touching his chest.

"You don't find it lame that he and I discussed it on your wedding day?"

He reached over to hold a hand of both Jakob's and mine. "No, of course not."

"We had hoped to work out more details before we said anything. So far, we only have a honeymoon spot, and that's it," I said.

Jakob described his favorite place in Colorado, Vail. The more we discussed it, the more plans seemed to gel. The honeymoon location led us to the desire to be there when it was cool but not wintery, so we talked ourselves into a fall wedding. Neither of us skied anyway. We made sure Mike and Trent didn't have any conflicts with late September/early October dates.

"That's about a year from when you moved into my old apartment," Trent said to Jakob.

"Time flies," I said.

"You are way too young to be saying stuff like that," Mike laughed.

The restaurant was McGee's. It was a barbeque place close to their house. The sides were to die for. Their own recipe for cole slaw included jalapeno and bacon. Barbeque potato chips were crushed on top of the mac & cheese. Poblano peppers were in the potato salad. We hoped it would become a new favorite haunt with their new house. When the bill came, Mike grabbed it.

"It's on us."

"Why? You don't need to do that," I insisted.

"You have helped us move; it is the least we can do."

He allowed us to leave the tip.

Back at the house, we sat around the living room drinking soda waters over ice.

"I have to admit, I was afraid we would finish the house and when we moved in, I wouldn't like it. But I love it already," Trent said.

"Hopefully, you'll love it more when there aren't 900 boxes around," Mike said with a touch of sarcasm.

"Did that really worry you?" I asked.

"Yeah. Fears are irrational. We worked hard for this house. And when it came time to leave Mike's place — which we love — I got worried that this wouldn't be what we hoped. But it is. Fear is weird. Remember when we were afraid people would find out we were gay? I'm married to a man now!!"

"I do remember that. I've grown in that regard as well." I paused. "Big time."

"So what are your irrational fears now?" Jakob asked me.

"If I were honest, it would be that ..." I stopped.

"What? Go on? It's us. You can tell us anything," Jakob said.

"I'm afraid that you will one day realize you can do better than me," I said, looking down in my lap.

Jakob stood and came over to sit by my side on my chair.

"Angel, you're my world. I agreed to marry you," he said, lifting my chin up with a curled index finger.

"I know. We should set a date quick before you wise up."

The boys chuckled.

"How about you, Mike?" I asked.

"I've had one giant fear for more than two years now."

We all waited for him to finish.

"Think about it. I'm terrified that someone will someday find out about our school shower threesome, and I'll get fired."

"But hon', only the four of us here know about that," Trent said.

"So, if I need money, I know who to go to to blackmail then," Jakob said.

"Exactly!" Mike said, pointing to Jakob.

"How about you, Jakob?" Trent asked.

"I don't know. Nothing haunts me anymore. My senses got dulled over all those years. And actually, some of my fears have been conquered. I used to be afraid of never seeing my family again. That has been resolved. We get together from time to time and my relationship with my mother and sister are very good. I still get the shivers thinking about being homeless and not having a bed, but that isn't an issue that worries me now."

I reached for his hand. Mike and Trent gave the most sympathetic looks. We all did because sometimes we forget that Jakob had it so hard for so many years. I can't even picture him sleeping on a park bench. Each time I try to visualize it, my mind rejects the very thought, like it couldn't be the same person. It's what people do when they see war images. That's "somewhere else," not here. Somehow that foolishly makes it more tolerable.

"Like Lance, maybe I worry that he might find someone better than me one day."

"There is no one better."

Jakob looked at me with a sarcastic expression. "Right. No one better than an alcoholic, average-looking, short-dicked, estranged-from-his-family guy that doesn't have much money."

"See? Perfect," I said. "I will love you forever. My whole life. And you're beautiful."

"Love you, angel." We kissed. In public. And we didn't give it a second thought. "Then I'll change my answer to ... snakes," Jakob said.

The rest of the dinner conversation was about our friends' new house.

On our drive home, Jakob was noticeably quiet. I started to ask if something was wrong, but so much had transpired throughout the day, I figured he was just lost in thought.

I wasn't quite ready for bed. Piddling about the kitchen, I looked into the living room. Jakob was just sitting on the couch alone. The television wasn't on. It was just quiet. That was a clear indication something was wrong.

"Honey, are you okay?"

"I don't know. Can we talk?"

That sent a volt of electrical fear coursing through my veins. I sat next to him. "What is it?"

He held my hand. Usually that's a good thing; this time it didn't feel that way.

"Trent and I talked about his honeymoon today."

"Yeah."

"I enjoyed hearing about it, and him and Mike in general. They are our close friends. I see why he is so easy to love."

"He is. He sure helped us get you out of the shelter last year."

"Right. He's ... wonderful. But as we spoke about our fears over dinner, it got me to thinking later on. You were in love with Trent. Last year, when I was in the shelter, I didn't mind being a second choice. I was just glad to be a choice. That night we wrote Mom a letter, I never thought we'd spend any time together again. I went in for that kiss. I knew you'd never care for someone like me."

"Jakob..."

"But you did. I am so thrilled and so happy and so fortunate that we fell in love. But it is a year later now. You and I aren't quite the same people as we were back then. Now we're talking about marriage. And ... and I know you love me, but ... I wonder if I am still second choice."

"Jakob..."

"Lance, if something happened to Mike, and Trent and I were standing in front of you, would you choose me? Or would you choose Trent? If I'm still second choice, then I don't think we should get married."

Wow. Shit. I was sure my face grew pale. A bullet through my chest couldn't have been harsher. My brain splinted into tiny glass filaments scattered before me. I was terrified to proceed, to even formulate an answer.

Jakob looked down. "I see you need to think about it. That probably tells me what I need to know."

"No!" I lunged for his hand and gripped it tight. "Part of me was just forced to picture our lives without Mike in it, and that – that – that horrified me."

"Oh."

"And I want to formulate my answer to where it is right. I want my words to be right."

Our eyes peered into each other's.

"It's true that Trent was my first love. It was quite unrequited. To him, we were just friends. I felt an attraction that finally made me admit that I was gay ... bi ... whatever. There was a lot going on in my head — and alcohol made it worse. He was my first love, and in that respect, he'll always have a place in my heart." I put Jakob's hand to my chest. "But Jakob, you helped me become who I am today. My heart is so full of love for you ... please always know — PLEASE! — you are always number one; you are never second choice."

A tear dripped from one of his eyes. "You're sure? Marriage is forever — for me, at least."

"I never want to be married to anyone but you. I want to spend every day with you. I love you, Jakob Morgan. Please don't ever doubt that."

"I knew you did, angel. I knew that. I just ... needed to know that I wasn't the consolation prize."

I grabbed him and held him tight. "Baby, how could you ever think such a thing?"

"I'm sorry. It – it just hit me after dinner. You are my world, Lance. I will be so proud to be your husband."

We kissed passionately. We held each other so tightly that I didn't think either of us could inhale air into our lungs. The kissing didn't stop, but we managed to pant "I love you" repeatedly to each other in our mashed lips. My cock became intensely hard.

"When we got home, I was pretty exhausted," I said. "Now all I want to do is make mad love to you."

We turned out lights and moved to the bedroom.

 

* * * *

 

A blog post on this chapter, "Second Choice," can be found at timothylane414stories.blogspot.com

Comment there or email me your feedback if you wish: timothylane414@gmail.com