Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 23:54:07 EDT
From: WriterGray@aol.com
Subject: Jonathan's Secret

This is a gay relationship story if you are not interested in the subject
matter leave. If you are read on! If you are under the age of 18 or in a
place where you are not allowed to read such materials then reading
silently and hide the fact that you read it LOL.... But I know nothing of
your reading it.

Ok all this is a story, inside of a story, inside of a story, I think that
is how I should explain it.. But over all it was liked. I know, I know,
this is a weird format but my proofreaders have read it and they really
liked it. So, I got convinced to post it. Let me know what you think
writergray@aol.com

			     Jonathan's Secret
				    Or
			      "Passions Love"
			   By Grayson S. Vellar

	Jonathan Peter Swain sat typing aimlessly away at his newest novel
while thinking of a great deal of other things. His entire life he had
spent writing of love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. His truest
happiness he could never write of openly. His truest self he could never
create. He wanted to, but to do so would mean self-sacrifice. A slaughter
to be exact is what he would go through, as his current family would
suddenly be no more. He would loss everything in his eyes. It was a fear, a
fear that would haunt him for an eternity if he did not make a change.

	In his story, he writes of Chance a man in his mid-twenties finally
falling in love. This character is based on his best friend. A friend he
undoubtedly would loss if his secret were too ever surface. Chance being
open minded in the story is not necessarily, how Jonathan actually sees
Chance. In fact in reality he knows in his heart he will certainly, loss
Chance if he were to ever find out he was in love with him. Even if it
could never be, he would still like to remain at odds with this equation.
For in his heart it is better to just, be near him. Chance is married and
his wife would be hurt. Jonathan has always been there and would never mean
to hurt June. June is the type of woman Jonathan would have married if he
were straight to begin with. Even with all of their distinct difference in
opinions, Chance and June are the perfect couple. They may fight they may
make up but even in Jonathan's eyes he can see through the clouds and see
that they are meant to be. Eventually things will change. Eventually things
will get better for them.

	**`Chance is taken back by the girl she is everything he has ever
dreamed of. At a distance, he is drawn to her instantly. Following her
almost stalking her as they are now to be together in his mind,' Jonathan
writes.

`No I can not do this. I have to be true to my own idea's for once. I have
to make myself happy. I have to find a way to make us happy,' Jonathan
thinks as he erases the rough draft.

	**`Scott is following his heart this time as he has always followed
what was right. For once in his life, he has finally come to the conclusion
that he must be free. In his life, he has spent his entire time looking in
circles and trying to make others happy. In his mind, it was time to take
the steps to gain what he truly desired. The whole picture.

	Now for most this would have to be taken into great consideration.
But, for Scott he had always known what he wanted. To be loved and engulfed
in the emotions of love. To trust another soul with his being. To be joined
to a person who would love, understand, and trust him. To desire to be
desired. To have it all the whole picture and nothing more.' **

"Great now I am writing of myself," with that thought Jonathan began to
erase the words as someone entered the study.

"What are you erasing there?" Chance asked as he sat down in the office
chair next to Jon.

"Another rambling idea, that will lead to me spilling my guts. What else is
new?" Jon asked sarcastically.

"Well don't erase it. I like when you do that it sounds real," Chance said
as he grabbed hold of Jon's arm.

"You wouldn't understand. I am just not in the right frame of mind I
guess," Jon replied not knowing Chance was nearly finished reading the
text.

"That's exactly how I feel most night when I go to sleep. I mean although
June is right there with me I rarely feel that we have it all in our
lives. We love each other yes, but sometimes I feel like it is out of
necessity," Chance said while leaning back in his chair.

"Why do you say that? I mean you two have been together for as long as I
can remember. I would kill to be loved like that," Jon replied before he
even knew what he said.

"Sometimes I think your to thick to figure this out and I guess I have been
right," Chance said pausing while he gathered his thoughts. "You are loved
like that you just don't know it," Chance finished as he began to stand up.

"What do you mean?" Jon asked.

"What I mean is that in fact you are loved like the love my wife and I
share. In fact the love for you is most likely deeper or could grow to be
deeper if you would let it. You have friends and family that love you as
deeply as we love each other. In fact, you have enemies that love you the
same. It is a love of friendship she and I share. She is my best
friend. Although we share a bed I am afraid our love does not go as deep as
what you have written there. I want the kind of love that you write of,"
Chance said facing the window next to the end of the desk.

"Well then you must know that the love I write of is not acceptable in some
ways or another," Jon said, realizing he was setting himself up for
heartache most likely.

"My mother used to tell me love known's no boundaries. The only boundaries
that are set come from letting others influence the decision to let love
affect our lives. If the love is true then let it be. True love creates no
harm to the heart it only make it grow," Chance said not looking back at
Jon. Tears had began to flow from his own eyes as he hoped he was right in
his idea's as to where this was coming from. In his heart, he had always
felt that exact way about Jon but to tell him and loss his friendship would
hurt him to deeply. Now they had set things into motion and Jon would have
to make the next move.

"I think I will write the next scene then and you will see what I mean.  As
a matter fact I will use myself as the main character Just give me a
minute," Jon said as he stared at the back of Chance's head.

"I have to make sure June made it to bed I will be back in a few minutes,"
Chance said turning to face Jon. He felt a power coursing between them they
had certainly opened a door that was closed before. But what of the
outcome, he did not know.

					**************

`Jon is following his heart this time as he has always followed what was
right. For once in his life, he has finally come to the conclusion that he
must be free. In his life, he has spent his entire time looking in circles
and trying to make others happy. In his mind, it was time to take the steps
to gain what he truly desired. The whole picture.

Now for most this would have to be taken into great consideration. But, for
Jon he had always known what he wanted. To be loved and engulfed in the
emotions of love. To trust another soul with his being. To be joined to a
person who would love, understand, and trust him. To desire to be
desired. To have it all, the whole picture, nothing more, nothing less.

Unfortunately for a roll of the dice was in order to tell the one he loved
so true would break the heart of two. Perhaps only one but two as it stood
in his mind. For the love felt was for a man a man, he had grown accustomed
to loving from afar. His best friend was all he ever dreamed of and all he
ever wanted. But to tell him would certainly make affairs worse in their
day to day lives. His friend Chance was married and he was male after
all. In most friendships between men, a straight man being hit on by his
best friend who he thought to be straight was not acceptable. In fact in
most cases, it would cause pain for both parties causing questioning of the
past, revealing hidden truths and opening wounds that had been left hidden
away for so long. Better yet having a wife upset and remorseful she did not
see it coming.

But to tell him he loved him was all he ever dreamed of. To tell him that
he was the sole reason he existed in the world of happiness. God to look
into his blue eyes and to tell him was all Jonathan could dream to do. But,
every time he gathered up the courage to tell him his mind would scream out
for him to stop and nothing would come out of his mouth. Now was the time,
he had been set up to tell him again. Chance had left the room with the
idea coursing through Jonathan's Brain as he finally began to write a story
about the love he felt.

Where to begin he thought as he began to place the words upon the screen.

	Jonathan had felt bad for weeks his mind had began to spin out of
control on the idea that he was in love. He loved and he truly felt the
love in return. But to his best friend he was sure that the messages he was
sending were not intended to make him feel this. He felt he could only
dream though. Another perfect man to far out of his reach was not something
he could deal with in this case. His best friend Chance had made the moves
and shown him the signs of a growth in their relationship. His heart told
him it was time to tell him the truth. To tell him that the love he felt
was real. The way they looked at one another when no one noticed. The way
they cared for one another while secretly was showing no notice to the
other one. The way a simple smile could take away all hurt or anger the
other one felt.

	Jonathan knew it was time to make his move. He called Chance into
the office. The office at the house they three had shared was quite a
common ground for revealing hidden truths. Only 4 months ago did June
reveal her pregnancy. This of course was also the day of the first time
Jonathan had come to terms with his love. He had tried several times that
day to tell Chance. But in the end, June had bigger news and he felt out of
place and decided it was not the right time or the right person. He loved
him it was once again time and this time he would not be stopped. He hid
the idea away in his mind for the past 4 months trying to keep it out of
view. He tried not to reveal the smallest clue. But his heart would not
hold back any longer. His heart beat every second in a pained love that he
felt could never be. He was even considering leaving the house never to
return. But all that changed.

	Chance had come into the office as per planned, as per everyday. He
sat in the over stuffed chair in the corner. The two had shared words of
the truth of love the previous evening and Chance had not returned as he
said he would. He had never returned from June's side. Jonathan had almost
backed out of telling him but instead wrote the story and went to bed that
evening at piece for once. He felt although he had not been able to Chance
the story he had gotten it off his chest and that was all that he needed to
accomplish. But, to his demise, he had left the diskette with the story
sitting in the computer and Chance took note. His curiosity got the better
of him as he turned the system on and opened up the file. Jonathan watched
from the doorway nervous, as he knew the inevitable was about to happen,
his world was going to come to a stop.

Chance began to read...

Passion By Jonathan P. Swain

	The two walked along the rock-riddled shore as day passed to
night. There was no pretense, as the two knew why they had come here. Being
so far apart yet living in the same house for so long had made their
desires for one another grow from the first day until this very
moment. Neither of them knew exactly what they were doing. But just being
together brought on a satisfaction, neither would have expected. Not a
single person remained on the beach other than them.

	The hue's of orange and purple criss-crossed the sky bringing every
shadow of cloud to life as they marveled in the beauty both next to them
and in the sky. The sand was warm as it caressed their feet while they
walked in the comfort and splendor of this evening's setting sun. As they
reached a small cove neither hesitated nor said a word as each pulled the
other into an embrace. Here they stand set away from the intrusive world of
housemates and money. Neither wanted it to end as they reached for one
another again.

	A kiss so gentle so pure set their lips and hearts on fire. A
gentle stroke, a sliding hand, searching for flesh in the chilled sea
air. Searching out the electric rush of another soul as the night air
chills their skin slightly as articles of clothing fall away. Gentle still
in their endeavors as they stare into the eyes of each other. Caught here
in their silent blessings and hidden prayers as they are answered finally.

	One pulls the other to the waters edge. Neither clothed neither
worried as they walk hand and hand until they are engulfed in the waters
warmth holding to one anotherr as the night sky takes form above
them. Clouds drift by as the love dance takes shape and form. No more
hesitation, no more self-denial, no more judgment, Just the two.

	Love ever present and pure only hidden away from prying eyes as it
has been finally freed to the receiver. An understanding has now been met
as they begin to walk back to the outside worldview. Back across town to
the little house, they share. Neither of them saying a word as their worlds
are separated again. In their hearts, they are together, even in secret
their love lives on.

	The first to enter heads to his room as he wants nothing more than
to savor in the feeling. As he steps inside he hears the shrill cry of a
baby as he falls back against the door sliding down not in regret, but in
fact in concern for his love. The second hears the same as he walks through
the house to his room to find his wife. She is holding a child not his own
but a child none the less. Soon enough, he would have one of his own. Soon
enough his life would change. Soon enough had already come and his love lay
just across the hall in a room alone.

	He wants to run to him but both men know the consequences. Both men
know their times together are precious and few and neither would give up
what they have. For even if in secrecy their heart are in love and their
eyes are finally open to the possibilities that lay before them.

Hopefully not the end.

Chance finished reading the story and knew what he had to do. He had to
make Jonathan understand that it could never be he had to make sure that
Jonathan would understand. But to hurt him would kill him for he did love
him. Even if in friendship it was, love. A love for a man was something he
was not capable of. The turmoil set in as Jonathan walked into the room. As
he approached the desk Chance stiffened in his chair. Not a good reaction
to Jonathan as he began to panic. All he wanted to do was make it end as he
reached over tot he computer tower and pulled the Diskette from its
drive. The fire had already been stoked in their little office it was time
to give it fuel to burn. He turned towards the blackened mantle placing his
empty hand there to steady himself as he destroyed his dream of love. The
fire burned hot as it reached high into the flue. It was now or never.

He kissed the Diskette as he holding it close to his tear-drenched face one
last time. He knew he had to end his dream his little fantasy of happiness
with the one person he knew he could now never have it with. The heat
gathered round his arm as he stretched it forwards dropping the Diskette
into the fire. Nothing was said as he walked out of the office and back
into his room. The cry of a man rang through the house that morning as he
slid down his door and curled into a ball to hide away from the self
inflicted pain he now suffered.

In all love, there are crimes of the heart that take place. In my mind, I
have created one in and of itself. I love him I love him more than I love
myself at times. He makes me feel, think, and breath everyday. Yet, in my
moment to tell him, I can not and in my moment of revelry, I only end in
suffering because I would only think him to reject me. If you are reading
this Chance please have mercy on my soul and know I do love you the way you
dream to be loved. Writing this has made me see that the love I feel for
you is true. I am no longer sorry for the love I feel and if you do reject
me, I will grow to understand.

The end.

						**********

Jonathan had just finished typing out the last line when he heard a heavy
sigh come from behind him. He had not heard anyone enter his world of
thought. He honestly had not expected Chance to return as he wrote that of
the love he was trying to describe before. He turned slowly around in the
chair to find Chance still standing there. His eyes were wet with tears.

Neither spoke words as they stared at one another looking for the right
reactions and body language. Jonathan was scared his heart was beating so
fast he felt light headed as he began to stand. Chance did not move
away. He only wished he had the strength to reach out to him. He felt the
same way he wanted to be with him he wanted to show him the same love and
care. He wanted to give the love he felt.

Jonathan began to waver his knees were buckling his eyes grew tired. He
felt the hands as they pulled him near. He felt the closeness had desired
for so long.

"As I read the words I knew I was loved. I knew I would finally be able to
show you the same love," Chance said.

Jonathan felt his lips being caressed by Chance's. His eyes opened wide to
find they had completely found one another. The kiss was gentle and
pure. The embrace was firm and secure. His heart raced as he closed his
eyes once more and pulled Chance tighter to him. He wanted more of him. He
wanted all of him. His hand began roam but Chance pulled away.

"We should go to the beach," He said grinning.

And so it began the romance of the two.

The end. (Maybe)

Comments are welcome, I know this is entirely different from the other
stories I write. But, then again, I came up with this while trying to write
part 6 of my other story. Writergray@aol.com