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Chapter Sixteen
Ever since Christmas, the four of us – Jax, Cheryl, Jeremy and myself, had been making payments on the Alaska trip. We'd be leaving on as soon as school got out. Last day of classes would be May 25th and our travel was scheduled for May 26th; the trip would last 10 days. Valentine's Day we agreed not to spend any money on stupid gifts for each other, we put it all toward the trip. We did go out for a romantic Valentines dinner; we drove down to Zaxby's and had two Big Zax Snacks.
The Monday following Valentine's Day, Jax had been scheduled to attend a conference in Atlanta. I was up early and got him up in time to make it there; he said he should be back tonight but it might be late. I went in to work and quickly forgot about anything else. I managed to get out of the ward around 8pm and started home. On the way from Tuscaloosa to McCalla, I kept having calls come up on my phone from strange numbers. I figured it was either the `extended car warranty' calls or the `consolidate your student loans' calls, so I ignored them. I stopped and got a hamburger on the way home; I figured Jax would have already eaten on his way back. When I turned onto our street, I saw the lights were on in the living room, so I pulled into the garage and shut the door. Before I could get in the house, CJ was standing in the connecting door; he looked like he'd been crying. I got around the car and went inside and Mason and Jeremy in the living room, but no Jax. I was suddenly queasy and beginning to feel sick.
"What's going on guys?" I asked.
"Didn't the police call you?" Jeremy asked.
"No...well, I don't know...I kept getting calls from some out of state number..." I said, suddenly realizing something was terribly wrong.
"What happened?" I said, I could vaguely feel CJ pulling me to sit in a kitchen chair.
"On the way back from the seminar, close to the Lithia Springs exit, Jax was cut off by a semi-truck" Jeremy said "they rushed him back to Emory; he's in emergency surgery. Cheryl went over, I told her we'd wait for you." I put up one finger as I ran for the guest half bath and vomited the hamburger and fries into the commode, my body kept retching until there was nothing else. I washed my face and opened the door and Mason wrapped himself around my waist, crying.
"Let me feed the cat" I said, my body going into automatic from shock. I put the food and water down and we locked up and got into Jeremy's 4-Runner and headed to Atlanta. Coming into the metro, a sign said Lithia Springs and I turned and looked at the outbound side of the highway, trying to see any sign of the wreckage. We go to the hospital right at midnight. We ran into a security guard who told us how to the emergency waiting room where Cheryl was waiting.
"He's still in surgery..." she broke down sobbing. I felt sick again but I knew there was nothing left in me. I sat with my arms wrapped around my sore stomach, rocking back and forth. A doctor walked by the door, stopped and turned back around.
"Is this the rest of the family?" he asked Cheryl.
"Yes" Cheryl answered "this is my fiancé, my sons, and this is Eddie, his partner.
"Has Cheryl filled you all in on the situation?" he asked.
I shook my head no.
"Michael is in critical condition. If we are able to pull him through, he will most likely have permanent damage both physically and mentally. The crash caused severe blunt trauma to his head. We're trying to get the swelling off his brain now. His left leg was severed in the crash, and his left arm has several large breaks and the shoulder appears to be completely crushed. We're doing the best we can, the trauma surgery team has been working on him for about three hours now. Let me go talk to the nurses and I'll see if I can get you some updated information." He walked out and through the double doors into the surgery ward.
Cheryl and I looked at each other, she started sobbing again which set me off. Jeremy sat beside her and comforted her and CJ and Mason sat on either side of me. Out in the hallway, there was a lot of activity suddenly; many people heading into the surgery ward. I stood in the doorway of the waiting room. Before the doors closed, I could see a roomful of people working on a patient. We sat back down; my shirt was wet on the right side from Mason's tears; the whole situation was scaring him to death.
About 15 minutes later, which felt like an eternity, the doctor who's spoken with us before came back into the waiting room. Cheryl looked up at him hopefully. He shook his head.
"I hate to be the one to talk to the family" he said. "We did everything we could for Michael, but there was just too much damage...I'm sorry."
"No! No! He is not dead!" Cheryl screamed. The doctor tried to calm her but she was having none of it. Jeremy wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest.
"It's over, baby" he whispered. I couldn't speak, I could barely breathe. Mason's grip on me was so tight. I could peripherally feel CJ's hand rubbing my back. I felt like I was smothering, trapped, I had to get out. I jumped up and ran down the hallway to the exit door. Just being outside of the building helped, but only for a second. I felt like running away. I needed to get out of this city, this state. Mason was beside me from nowhere.
"Please don't leave, Eddie" he said "please daddy, stay with us" he wrapped himself around me again and I felt my head drop down until my chin was resting on his head. Both of us were shaking from the sobs wracking our bodies. Cheryl came out and walked over.
"The nurse said they would get him cleaned up so we can say goodbye" he croaked though her tears; making my flight instinct peak again. I fought it down this time until it went to my stomach, causing me to have another retching fit.
Shortly, a nurse came out and told us he was ready for viewing and I made the longest walk of my entire life; forcing myself to make each step. Nothing in the world can prepare you to see the lifeless body of someone you loved so much. Even after cleaning him up, there was still residual blood. His mangled body was like something out of a horror movie. I held his undamaged hand and quietly told him goodbye. I was still stuck in the same position when the nurse came back in telling us it was time to go. She asked if we knew where we wanted him taken.
Cheryl said McCalla Memorial, and started searching on the phone to find out if there was an after-hours number. She called the number listed and it said for after-hours call another number. We got a very sleepy person on that line; it was 2 in the morning. The funeral director said they would come over and pick him up as soon as they came in tomorrow morning.
None of us was fit to drive back tonight, we found a hotel nearby. The only thing they had was a room with two kings. Cheryl and Jeremy got one and I shared the other one with the boys. I didn't sleep more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time due to nightmares. In the morning we went out and got breakfast and we all just picked at the food, nobody ate much. Cheryl got a call back from the funeral director to verify it was Emory Medical Center; she confirmed. We drove back to the hospital parking deck to pick up her car. She handed me the keys; she and CJ were riding back with Jeremy. I was driving back with Mason riding along with me.
As we headed out of town near the Lithia Springs exit, I saw a spot with a lot of broken glass and pieces of metal. I felt like I should feel something but I was so exhausted, I couldn't even cry. We stopped at a rest area to go to the bathroom and CJ decided he wanted to ride with me a while. Mason uncharacteristically offered no argument when CJ got in the front seat.
"I asked mom what would happen now...since Uncle Mike is..." CJ said. "Anyway...she said you're family now, no matter what."
I was hurting so much about Jax, I hadn't even thought about my relationship with the rest of the family. CJ intuitively knew it was something important to know. In the backseat, I could hear Mason crying again.
"What's the matter, buddy" I said to the backseat.
"I'm just glad that I don't have to lose my dad too, I already lost my Uncle Mike" he said. Everything was quiet the rest of the ride. My right arm was resting on the console and CJ put his hand in mine, as if to just let me know he was there. We got off the interstate on Exit 1 and went straight to the funeral home to make arrangements. Afterwards came the part I dreaded, going back to my house, our house.
Everything in the place reminded me of Jax. Everywhere I looked I could see him. I sat on the sofa and picked up the throw blanket, it had the faint smell of him; I inhaled it deeply. I didn't think I could stay here tonight by myself. I thought about going to Justin's when I realized he and Andy didn't know, I'd have to tell them the whole story and relive it all again. After all was said and done, Andrea told me to come on over, they would make the couch up for me.
I called and told Cheryl my plans and took off for Justin's house. When I got there, Brad answered the door.
"How are you doing?" he asked, all his playful flirting replaced with genuine concern and clinical demeanor.
"I'm...I...I don't know" I answered.
"Good answer. You haven't had time to process it" he said "If you need to work through what happened, I'll help you."
"Thank you" I said.
Justin called me into the garage to show me some project he'd been working on; he wasn't really good at coping with things either, I guess it was his way of trying to get my mind off of everything.
Later, when it was bedtime, the realization hit me that I was still going to be alone tonight even though it wasn't in our house. Brad saw me looking uncomfortable and said he would sit up with me. We turned off all the lights except for one dim lamp. I lay on the couch and Brad sat in the recliner near my head. All night, if I woke up from a nightmare, he would be right there sitting in the recliner. He was a lifesaver that night.
Cheryl came to the house the next day and the two of us went through Jax's file box to see if there were any insurance policies or anything. We found paperwork for a prepaid cremation, I remembered him telling me once that he was going to be cremated. We couldn't find his insurance policy. Cheryl called the funeral home and let them know about the cremation policy. We still would have his memorial at their facility afterward.
We finally got into a frame of mind that I remembered somebody needed to call the school and let them know. I called his department and spoke to the dean. I asked about insurance and he said he would check for us. We set the memorial for Friday and split up a list of family and friends between us.
Thursday, the dean called me back and said he'd found an accidental death policy Jax had taken out when he first started working at the university. It was for $500,000 and the beneficiary listed was Christopher Jacob Chilton. It was then it hit me; I'd only known him for less than a year. It was astounding the impact a person can have on your life in seven months.
Cheryl and I talked for a long time, she said that Jax wanted his ashes to be scattered in the ocean; we agreed that we'd find a peaceful beach somewhere to spread them together.
Epilogue
Five years ago, I lost the first true love of my life. The year after Jax died was a hard time for me. On July 27th, the anniversary of the day we met, the five of us – Cheryl, Jeremy, Mason, CJ and myself made a trip down to Florida and drove along Highway 98 around the coast from Panama City to the east. We ended up at T.H. Stone St. Joseph Peninsula State Park. We found a quiet spot away from the main beach area and stood in a circle and slowly scattered the last earthly remains of my love into the ocean waves. It was sad and happy at the same time; closure for us all.
Today we set up camp at Wind Creek State Park; at least some of us did. Cheryl and her husband Jeremy wanted to stay in a cabin. The rest of us shared the big tent Jax had bought the first time we camped here. On one side there's the red double sleeping bag for Mason and Oliver, on the other side was a new blue double sleeping bag for me and Brad. CJ and his girlfriend Amelia had their own tent in the next site, between us and Justin and Andy's tent on the other side. It's weird how life turns out sometimes.
There are still a lot of days I think about Jax and wonder about what could have been, but usually Brad snaps me out of it pretty quickly. Once a year Cheryl and I go down to St. Joe State Park and sit by the water's edge and talk to the lapping waves. Sometimes I swear I can feel an arm around my shoulders.
Lambodara 6/27/21
Don't hate me.