No Advantage
Chapter XV

Rob and I spent about half an hour playing our impromptu game of Jogger and Hill Boy. Without any prior arrangement we both mentally reverted to the time when we were fourteen or so and played at having a first encounter with someone else who was gay. It was truly interesting recalling the feelings and memories we had, along with the uncertainties and fears. Because we verbalized everything we were thinking and told one another the way we felt, it was somewhat like a therapy session, discussing guilt, desire and the many other things that had gone through our minds when we had begun to realize we were sexually attracted to other males. Sometimes we laughed, sometimes we were serious and, yes, we even cried a little bit as we offered assurance to one another. With the sun down and it being fully dark, the Hill Boy and the Jogger agreed to meet another time to begin exploring the mysteries and wonders of sex.

Back again to being just Rob and Clayton, it now being fully dark, I turned on the lights in the Gazebo. I always felt the emotion of romance there at night with the soft lighting on, and it was especially poignant tonight with Rob there with me, and he felt the same. Having spent time together exploring our emotions of the past, we began to talk about how our current relationship.

Not only do Rob and I freely and fully experience one another's bodies, we also truly enjoy exploring and understanding one another's minds, thoughts, feelings and emotions. We began to discuss our feelings of love and recognized our love for one another made the sex better and that the sex also made our love deeper and stronger.

Rob and I share a common desire to know and understand human behavior, particularly our own and one another's as well as the nature of our relationship together. Very early during our relationship we began to modify our language to express ourselves better with one another. For example, we call ourselves queer to denote we are just ordinary men who act in an ordinary manner, except for the fact we were homosexual and are not ashamed of the fact. Fags, on the other hand, are the limp-wristed, nelly-acting homosexuals that corresponded to the traditional stereotype. The term gay includes queers, fags and all others in the male homosexual community, everything from the guys in the closet to the S&M leather crowd. Screwing and fucking were not synonymous terms for us. Screwing is playful intercourse not intended to result in orgasm; fucking, however, is the lusty version that we do to reach a climax.

As we talked and discussed the nature of our love for one another, we realized there were four distinct aspects of our relationship. After some discussion we further modified our vocabulary to suit our needs to accurately express ourselves to one another. We came up with two sets of four word terms that relate to one another: the nouns of boyfriend, lover, husband and mate; and the verbs of playing, loving, nurturing and mating.

As boyfriends, we were simply that, friends, best friends in fact. During our life together this would be how we would spend most of our time, whether separate or apart, and this would be what we and the rest of the world would see the majority of the time. During our sexual encounters while in the boyfriend state of mind, we decided to call that playing since those times were fun and sometimes silly in nature.

While examining the reasons we fucked and sucked dick we had somewhat of a difficult time separating the sexual from the emotional aspects until we began to explore the reasons why we had begun nipple sucking and power fucking only after we became committed to one another. My earlier realization in the day about the sucking instinct as a means of expression, together with the primal urge to supplicate to a dominant male as seen in wolves, provided the keys for us to realize the subtle differences among the remaining three aspects of our relationship.

Rob and I were lovers in every commonly accepted sense of the term. To us, the term making love is not the same as fucking or screwing; it has a deeper, emotional significance that when intently felt triggers the crying instinct in us. As lovers, we want to give to the other, and we can do that not just with sex but other acts such as kissing.

As husbands, we have the desire to be nurtured, taking something from the other as opposed to giving something. After we had committed to one another and became husbands, both of us had instinctively begun nipple sucking to satisfy the intense desire for nurturing.

Lastly, we were mates, like other mammals in the animal kingdom, and in the extreme expression of the dominant and submissive aspects of our basic, primitive needs as a couple, both emotional and sexual, we had started power fucking.

Recognizing and appreciating the differences and distinctions between our playing, loving, nurturing and mating, we discovered that a single activity could be an expression of all of those. Earlier in the day, we had playfully sucked one another's cocks in my closet just because it was fun. The first night I was with Rob, although I had not realized it at the time, I had lovingly performed fellatio upon him as I began the discovery that I needed more from a man than just sex. Last night, Rob and I both sucked one another in the shower to nurture ourselves upon the other before going to bed. Rob commenced our first time to mate last night by the frantic, pleading manner in which he began sucking my cock in a submissive manner. While all four were instances of fellatio, the emotions behind the actions made each radically different.

We realized that it was and would be possible for us to play, love, nurture and mate with one another in nonsexual ways, just as during a single episode of sex we had and would continue to be boyfriends, lovers, husbands and mates.

As we walked from the Gazebo back to the Shack, we recalled instances of our copulations and agreed that both of us, without heretofore realizing it, usually went through four, separate stages from initial penetration to final orgasm when we had intercourse. As a boyfriend, we would playfully initiate a sexual session, teasingly asking for some sexual fun and getting settled into our partner, often talking to one another like small children. As the simple pleasure and enjoyment of the feeling of our dick sliding in and out of our partner increased, the child would grow into an adult and evolve into a lover who began to slowly, gently and rhythmically pump the other while kissing and caressing his body, giving ourself to him for his sexual and emotional satisfaction. As the thrusting and sexual desire increased in intensity, we would experience a deep, personal need for the husband beneath us, satisfied in the knowledge that he would always be there to nurture the other. At this stage of intercourse, the little yummy pleasure sounds that we made during the lovemaking stage changed into primitive moans and cries as we began to take from the other. Lastly, the basic urge to have an orgasm would come, and then we quickly and fiercely mated, the dominant male taking his submissive mate in primal fashion to trigger a climax.

Each of us had experienced these phases during fellatio as well as during intercourse, and Rob and I both now recognized that we often bounced around among the four modes during both fellatio and intercourse. While we nearly always started as boyfriends and ended as mates, we would go back and forth together between lover and husband mode, occasionally retreating back to boyfriend or advancing up to mate to return back to lover and husband. We also saw that we would often simultaneously exhibit all four aspects at once by our different physical actions, the smiling boyfriend passionately kissing his lover, grabbing and massaging his husband's chest while pounding away in his mate's butt.

We began to believe that we finally had a true comprehension of the emotional aspects of why we enjoyed our sexual activity as we did and why the pleasure and satisfaction it produced was so different and so much more intense than that produced by solo masturbation. Yes, we had always known that in addition to the physical pleasure there was an emotional satisfaction we got when the other's dick was in us, but we never could describe it and thus be able to separate our physical selves from our emotional needs. We now could and this understanding made the memories of our past times together even more significant.

We also realized we shared the emotional states of our boyfriend lover husband mate when we had sex, playing together as friends, the lover giving to his husband while the husband took from his lover, or separating into dominant and submissive mates to achieve a climax that satisfied us both. That's why we believed our sexual activities were different from what is sometimes called casual sex; we did much more than share one another's bodies for play as boyfriends. As lovers, husbands and mates we shared deep-seated emotional desires and needs. With this newfound understanding, we recognized that our sexual expressions would hereafter be better than anything we had ever imagined.