Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2024 10:49:07 -0400
From: M Patroclus <thephallocrat@gmail.com>
Subject: Pornlandia, Chapter 1

Pornlandia, Chapter 1
By ThePhallocrat (thephallocrat@gmail.com)
________________

Looking back, all the craziness started when I accidentally jizzed on my
computer while jerking off. It had been a busy week and I hadn't gotten off
in ages, and I was STRESSED. Partly because of work but mostly because of
drama that I don't even want to get into right now. So by the time I got
around to cleaning the pipes, so to speak, I was backed up to all hell. I
hadn't seen my cum shoot out quite that far and that powerfully in
years. It got all over my desktop PC case and leaked into the vent holes
along the top, and somehow that started everything.

I didn't even notice at first. I was reading a story on Nifty, you see, and
my thoughts were... elsewhere. The story, about two nervous but horny young
students and their sexy professor, had really been heating up. They were
now in a fuck train with the professor in the middle and I was imagining I
was the meat in that sandwich, subbing myself in for the professor,
thrusting in and out of Jeremy while Jeffrey thrust in and out of me. You
understand.

As my orgasm started, I was pretty lost in that mental image, and even let
out a pretty loud groan (my roommate Andrew was home, but in the shower,
and I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to hear, but anyway I didn't care
at that moment), but at the same time there was that part of me that
couldn't help reflecting that the fuck train is a maneuver much more
difficult to pull off successfully in real life than porn made it seem. But
yes I'm very aware that porn *isn't* real life, intentionally. I had clear
memories of the one time I actually had tried to be the middle man in a
fuck train, and it had definitely been hot but a little tricky to get the
timing right and we couldn't sustain it for long. So I knew reality wasn't
like what the story was describing, but it didn't matter. I also wasn't
fussed about the moral implications of a professor rawdogging two of his
students and what that would do to his career, nor was I anxious about
somebody walking in on them since fucking right in the lecture hall
immediately after class ended was hardly the most discrete place for a
menage-a-trois. In the story, and in my fantasy, it was all easy, and sexy,
and perfect. Mess and complication are for real life.

Yeah, I wax philosophical sometimes during and right after an orgasm. I
don't know why. Maybe it's the part of my brain that can't ever shut off
and just purely enjoy a present moment. It's got to analyze everything. It
means I'm never fully *here*, even while getting off! I mean this was a big
orgasm, my toes were curling and my eyes were rolling back. I could
literally feel my balls pumping, and yet here I was still writing a damn
paper in my head about the difference between porn and real life. Should I
finally get screened for ADHD? Whoa, I shot my load pretty far this
time... oh shit did it get on my PC??

Smoke was coming out of the computer case. Not good. And right about then
there was some kind of shockwave, I dunno how else to describe it. At first
I thought we'd had an earthquake, but then my PC started... glowing? And I
realized that the pulse that had shook the ground and sent vibrations up my
body had emanated from my computer. Well, this called for a closer
inspection. My desktop is my baby, I built it myself and I had to see the
damage up close. So, still naked, I got on all fours, took off the side of
the case and started rooting around inside to see what was what. My dick
was still leaking the last few drops of semen and my head was still fuzzy
with endorphins from the orgasm, but such is my love for my computer that
it had immediately become my top priority.

My back was to the door so I didn't see Andrew come in. He's my roommate
and my best friend since college. It scared the shit out of me when I
realized he was standing there in the door. We *never* go into each other's
rooms when the door is closed, referred to as the "gentleman's right to
masturbatory privacy" rule, so it really surprised me. But there he was,
just out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Did you feel that?" he said, "Was that an earthquake?"

"Yeah that was wild," I said, distracted, still calming myself down from
the start he gave me while I inspected the computer. Nothing looked broken,
I didn't see any jizz on anything, and the smoke that had been coming out
of the unit was gone. "I think it was my computer," I added, confused.

"Your computer shook the whole building? I doubt it, dude."

There was something in his voice that got my attention then. Like I said,
I've known Andrew since college. We were never roommates at school, but we
got close. He was the first straight dude to fully treat me like one of the
boys, even after I came out. We just got on, made each other laugh, loved
playing video games together, hung out a lot. Our friendship made a few of
his more insecure girlfriends jealous -- which is both silly and cute. We
lived together right after graduation for a little bit, then moved on and
fell out of touch for a while as we both settled into serious long term
relationships, then rekindled the friendship, and then now, somewhat
unexpectedly, had ended up as roommates again in our early thirties since
we both needed a new place for... reasons. I don't want to talk about
it. It's not relevant to the story. Look, the short version is we'd both
been dumped by our respective partners. Living together again felt like
just the thing we needed, and the weekends playing video games and ordering
pizza had felt like old times. A balm for the newly single soul.

So basically I know him very well and I know the various tones of his
voice. I could *hear* the smirk on his face. He was amused about something,
it was the tone he took when he was about to crack a joke at my expense. He
also sounded a little... intrigued? It was then, and only then, that I
remembered something that was probably top of mind to you in hearing this
story: I was naked and my ass was fully on display in his direction. What's
more, I was bent over and looking into the computer so my cheeks were
spread, no doubt, and I was proudly displaying my full butthole to my
straight best friend of almost ten years.

Look, Andrew is hot. He's always been hot. He's one of those guys to whom
hotness seems to come effortlessly and yet somehow seems clueless at how
hot he is. He had been a lean and muscley athlete at school (soccer, woof),
had put on some weight now through his late twenties when he was with
Ashley, but if anything his slightly softer dad bod was hotter to me
personally. But hottest of all was his big smile, the first of his
attributes to hook me back in the day. I won't deny that, especially those
first few years I knew him, I had a big crush. And if he had been a little
less of a glorious himbo he might have seen the signs and stayed clear, and
we'd have never become friends. But that friendship changed my feelings
over time. The sexual and romantic feelings had all faded into the
background. Once at a party, ages ago but several years after we met, a
girl he'd been into had dared him to kiss me and because Andrew was drunk
and never backs down from dare, and will go to great lengths to impress a
cute girl, and was eager to show me and the world he has no trace of gay
panic in him, he'd done it. Yay for allies!  And despite having dreamed of
my lips on his many times before, and despite the fact that he really threw
himself into it and was a pretty damn good kisser, we both ended up
laughing too hard to continue. It wasn't sexy at all! He had become
like... I dunno, my brother or something. He was Andrew. He was super
straight. It just wasn't as sexy as I thought it would be. It wasn't like
the fantasies in my head. But the girl had been impressed and he'd gotten
laid that night, and always credited me for it.

We were close but not like walk-in-on-each-other-naked close. I've been in
my underwear around him before, but never fully nude. And certainly never
presenting my ass, spread out like a breakfast buffet for all the world to
see. I froze, mortified. I didn't dare look at him, kept my eyes firmly on
the motherboard inside my desktop case.

"Sorry I didn't knock," he said. Still smirking, I could tell. He didn't
seem bothered by this situation. I mean I knew he was chill and not
homophobic at all, but I didn't think that would extend to seeing my bare
asshole without flinching. "Were you jerking off? My bad, man."

My embarrassment had no other outlet than self-deprecating humor. As
always. "I actually just... uhhh... finished. I jizzed on the computer by
accident. Whoops." I laughed and expected him to laugh too. To tease
me. That's what Andrew would have done on any other day. But I was about to
discover that it wasn't any other day. Not in the slightest.

"Your hole is so pink," is what he said. That's what he fucking said. I
literally couldn't believe my ears. "And so smooth."

"Excuse me?" I croaked.

"I dunno, man, it's just so pink. And it looks so tight."

What. The. Fuck. That is not how Andrew talks. That's certainly not how he
talks to ME. Actually who says stuff like that outside of a nifty story or
a badly written porn vid? I finally risked a peek back at him. The towel
had dropped to the floor and he was slowly jerking his dick. I reeled back
a bit in shock and bumped my head on the top of my computer case. Then I
looked again. I'd never seen his penis before and, almost annoyingly, it
was exactly as perfect as I always assumed it would be. He was uncut! I
never knew that. He never mentioned it. It was probably around 6 or 7
inches, similar to me (though I *am* circumcised), but much thicker. And
his balls hung low, unlike mine. He had less pubic hair than I expected,
given how hairy his chest is.

I had lost the capacity for rational thought or for forming sentences. I
was suddenly hard as hell, despite having just had a huge orgasm moments
earlier. That was my second clue something was off. I usually need *hours*
to go again. If not days. It's a long refractory period, yes, but in
exchange my orgasms appear to be a bit more intense than average. As much
as I can tell. So yeah, being ready to go again right away was definitely
not normal. And then of course there was Andrew, super straight Andrew, my
reliably predictably straight best friend, staring at my ass and licking
his lips. He was leaking pre-cum and stroking his cock.

"Dude?"I managed to squeak out. It sorta summed up all my mixed feelings
and confusion, just with tone.

"I haven't had sex in months," he said, sounding kind of in a trance, "Not
since Ash and I... you know." I nodded mutely. "I just... it's been a long
time."

I opened my mouth to empathize, to defuse the situation, to ask him to
leave. But what came out of my mouth was, "You should fuck me." And when I
heard what I'd said, I clamped my mouth shut in shock. But lust was
beginning to fill the room and some part of my brain was becoming aware of
the fact that... well... we weren't in Kansas anymore, Toto.

For the first time I heard confusion in his voice too. "Yeah? I... think I
want to? Is that ok? Can we do that? It's not weird is it?"

I noticed my PC was glowing again. On the screen, the Nifty story I'd been
reading was suddenly visible, except the text was flashing slowly through a
rainbow of colors. But I had unplugged the computer?? It didn't make
sense. The smell of sex and lust was suddenly heavy in the room.

"Oh my god," I mumbled to myself, "We're in the porn. This isn't
real. We're *in porn*."

"What?" Andrew asked. He'd taken a few steps closer. I could smell the soap
he had used in the shower. I stopped caring about figuring out what was
going on.

"Shut up and put your dick in me," I said, turning back to look him
straight in the eyes. The eye contact was electric. As if in a trance, he
dropped to his knees and all but dove face first into my ass, rimming the
fuck out of my hole, which I sure as hell was not expecting. He used his
tongue like a champ, showing real proficiency -- well, I did know he was a
good kisser, and those are related skills -- but still he was way too good
at it for a straight guy who had once confessed to me drunkenly that he
didn't *love* eating a girl out even though he tried his best because he
was a feminist ally (lol). I was moaning and saying his name though so I
was too busy to question it.

After getting me good and wet down there, he got up on his knees and
scooted closer, lining up his cock with my (apparently?) pink hole. "I'm
gonna put it in now," he said. I'd never heard his voice so breathy, so
heavy with lust. Seeing this side of him was incredibly intoxicating.

"Do it!" I said. But part of me, a small part, was nervous. I hadn't
bottomed in *years*. I mean back in college I did a bunch, but my ex (who I
don't want to talk about but this detail is relevant to the story) had been
more of a bottom than me and I'd come to really enjoy being a top. Sort of
embraced it. My only luck in the dating and hook-up scene since the
breakup, limited as it was, was as a top. I hadn't had a dick up my butt in
at least 2 years, maybe more. But Andrew leaned forward, I felt his tip,
slick with pre-cum, sliding right in. We both moaned in unison as each inch
sunk into me and soon he was balls deep.

"What's wrong?" he asked suddenly. I was still looking back at him but I
guess there was confusion on my face. That was too easy? Me out of practice
and with only spit for lube? It's porn, I repeated to myself over and
over. It's porn. This obviously isn't real.

"Nothing," I said, but I added, "You sure you're ok with this?" It took all
the willpower I had to ask that question, to even open the possibility of
him stopping now.

He bit his lip and nodded, he looked so fucking cute when he did that. He
actually leaned forward and stroked my cheek a little. I love this man, I
always have. It wasn't in a romantic or sexual way, but that all felt
flipped on its head now. Everything I loved about him as my friend was
becoming a bit more intense now that he was inside me. I'm sure you
understand that perfectly well. I could even feel him throbbing in me.

"You feel amazing," he said, in awe. "I need this. I bet you do too."

I sure did. But would we both be as ok with it when it was all over?
Whatever, that ship had definitely sailed. "Fuck me, dude," I said,
breaking out into a wide grin, "Show me your famous technique."

He laughed. Ever since college, the joke in our friend group was that
Andrew was really good in bed -- he didn't get laid more than any of the
other guys, nor had any of his previous lovers ever said anything
particularly noteworthy about him, he just blushed the most when we said
that so we kept saying it. His genuine laugh in that moment was really
sexy, especially since he started pumping right after.

It all gets a little blurry in my memory for a while after that. I moaned
his name and his hands roamed up and down my back and gripped my hips as he
pounded in and out. Sometimes he went hard and fast, the way I'd assumed
for some reason a straight guy would (stereotypes and all that), but
sometimes he went slow and savored how my hole gripped him and I liked that
the best. "You're so fucking tight," he said, "What the fuck are we doing,
why are we doing this? Oh my god, no pussy has ever felt this good." And so
on and so forth. It was really sexy, naturally. But also a bit over the
top, and not a little out of character for Andrew. He squeezed my cheeks,
then shocked me yet again by leaning forward, turning my head towards him
with one hand and, still deep inside, locking lips with me for a passionate
kiss. It was as good as I remembered from that drunken party long ago, but
this time we didn't laugh.

"Oh my god, dude," he said, breaking from the kiss and whispering in my
ear, "You're gonna get me close already." He sounded apologetic that he
couldn't last longer.

"That's hot," I said, still beaming, "I want to get you off."

He stopped pumping completely, frozen, eyes wide. "Oh god," he said, "So
close. I don't dare move. I'm right on the edge. You feel so good."

"Finish," I encouraged. I couldn't wait to see his O face.

"Should I pull out...?"

"Fuck no," I said, shocked by the very idea, "You better not. Dump your
load in me, please."

He actually growled deep in his throat when I said that. That seemed to hit
a chord. "Oh my god, seriously? You...you sure that's ok? I can just... cum
inside you?"

"I'm not a girl, Andrew, you can't get me pregnant."

"Is that a challenge? Cuz I can sure as hell try." He was smirking again,
but extremely turned on. He was exuding that glow that guys get, I'm sure
you know it. That glow when they are right on the edge of cumming and
quickly running out of the ability to hold it off any longer. Seeing him
right on the edge of bliss because of my ass filled me with pride.

"Do it," I said, "give me your babies, knock me up."

He laughed again and went straight back into it. "Oh god, here it comes,
I'm gonna make a baby in you, dude."

"Do it, stud! Breed me!"

We were both laughing. That's how we are together, always have been. The
dynamic adapted itself to sex far more easily than I could have
imagined. Laugher mixed with moans of pleasure and deep grunts filled the
room and it was basically some of the hottest sex I'd ever had. The porn
was in us, or we were in it, so I guess it *would* be, wouldn't it?

"Oh my god, I can't -- I'm gonna -- I'm gonna, OH GOD" he screamed, pushing
all the way into me and grunting as he filled me up with cum. One hand was
on my shoulder, the other on my hip, holding me in place so he could blast
in me at just the right angle to maximize his pleasure. I was also
screaming, I realized, and looking down I saw the floor coated with my own
load. But both my hands were braced against the floor to hold myself up
against his pounding, and I hadn't touched myself down there at all.

I'd just gotten off hands free from bottoming. Now I knew for sure we
weren't in the real world.

His orgasm lasted a long time, and towards the end he did that shivering
convulsion that I find it so hot when dudes do. When it seemed to finally
be done, he didn't pull out like I expected. He just stayed in me,
breathing deeply, stroking my back. "Fucking hell," he said at last,
gasping fro breath still, "I've never cum so hard in all my life. What the
hell is going on? Am... am I gay now?"

"I don't think so," I said, looking at my computer again. I was dizzy and
still descending from the heights of my own orgasm, but my rational brain
was trying once again to reassert itself.

"Dude, I just CAME in your ASS. That's pretty gay." He still hadn't pulled
out, so I squeezed my hole around him, milking a little more out, and
enjoyed hearing him moan in response.

"I know. I mean, first off, you'd hardly be the first straight dude in
history to cum in another guy's ass. But I think something weird is... look
I can't explain it. I was enjoying some porn just before. And I
accidentally came on on the computer and then there was that vibration and
... I dunno I think the porn got ... out? Or we got pulled into it? This
isn't real life, anymore. This is porn."

"Uh-huh," he said, confused. He looked at my computer screen. "That's porn?
It's all text."

"It's an erotic story."

"Dude, you *read* your porn? Seriously? Such a nerd."

I squeezed my ass again in protest, and he gasped. "Yes. Sometimes. I mean
I watch videos too. But sometimes the written word and imagination is
hotter than any image could be."

"If you say so," he sounded skeptical. Andrew hadn't read a book since
college, I assumed, and he probably didn't read many even then. He still
hadn't pulled out, and was surprisingly still pretty hard. He rocked a
little back and forth, enjoying my hole. "No porn could be as hot as that
was though. My balls are thoroughly drained. God, your hole is all sloppy
now and that's somehow hot as hell. I.. l feel like I could go again? If
that's ok?" He sounded hopeful.

"I thought your balls were thoroughly drained?"

He gave a little shy laugh. "They are. But this hole... I'm sure I could
whip up another batch in no time. If you want."

"Is that normal for you?" I asked, "Can you usually go two rounds back to
back, when you've been with women I mean?"

"Naw, man. I mean I usually need, like, at least half an hour or more. I'm
just so turned on right now."

"This is my point," I said, and despite really not wanting to, I leaned
forward so that his dick popped out of me, then stood and turned to face
him. I could feel some of his load running down my leg, it must have been a
big one. "I've just gotten off twice in like 20 minutes and I also feel
like I could go again. And I usually need HOURS to recover. This isn't
normal, or real. This is porn."

He wasn't listening anymore, he was staring at my dick. I guess he hadn't
really gotten a good view of it before this point. "Damn, dude, is yours
bigger than mine?" he said, "I think it is."

"No, I doubt it, you've got a monster cock" I said, brushing it off, "But
are you hearing me? I think we're inside porn and our life is going to be
nothing but sex unless we figure out how to undo whatever I did."

"Yeah, yeah," he nodded, but his eyes were still locked on my crotch.  "I
mean we should figure that out. I have work tomorrow and all. But... damn,
man. I always thought penises were kind of weird looking and ugly, you
know?"

"Straight guys always say that, but they still love their own somehow," I
said.

"Ha, yeah. Exactly. But like yours is ... really nice."

"Andrew," I snapped my fingers in front of his eyes, "Look at me, up
here. We're in porn. If we don't stay focused we'll just have sex over and
over."

He did look up at me then, puppy dog eyes, looking absolutely
beautiful. "Would that be so bad?" he asked, pouting just a little. I went
a little weak in the knees and would have fell over if he hadn't reached
out to steady me. His touch sent a shock of electricity through both of us
and within seconds he'd wrapped his mouth around my shaft and was sucking
me with far, far more proficiency than a straight guy had any right
possessing.

"Holy shit," I gasped, "We're stuck in gay porn, clearly, so why are you
the one more caught up in this than me??"

He stopped sucking just enough to look up at me and say, "I dunno. Maybe
because you've spent way more time here than me. You're more used to it."

"I guess that makes sense, but-- FUCK, Andrew. Who knew you'd be such a
cock-sucking pro?"

He broke off again to laugh. "I do everything with my whole heart, bro, you
know that."

He was on his knees sucking me, and I was standing, so from my vantage
point I could just see the curves of his ass. It was beautiful. He hadn't
had an ass that muscley since college as far as I knew. Had he been hitting
squats at the gym? Or was the porn changing our bodies too?

"Speaking of your *hole*," I quipped. He stopped sucking to look up at me
in shock.

"Wh... what?"

"Look I know it's just the porn talking, and we really should be focusing
on fixing this but... I mean, do you wanna find out what its like to get
fucked? Maybe?" I tried to keep my voice casual.

"Haha, no, man. I'm good." But he didn't sound sure of that all. "I'll keep
sucking you though."

"That's a shame," I said, grinning. I was starting to feel like I
understood the rules of this new world and it was making me a little drunk
with power. Andrew was right about one thing, I was way more familiar with
this world than he was. "I've had a lot of boys tell me I was one of the
best tops they'd ever had."

That wasn't true. But this was porn, it didn't have to be true. It just had
to feel good.

He laughed, but seemed surprised. We talked about sex plenty of times, but
usually not to this level of detail. "I thought you liked it in the butt."

"Back in college, yeah. And I obviously still do, hello, you just railed me
good."

"You're welcome."

"But the last couple of years, I dunno, I'm more of a top these days."

"Wait, so Nick was the bottom in your relationship? Really?"

Hearing his name was like getting punched in the stomach. I didn't want to
talk about him. "Is that so hard to believe?"

He backed off, unsure if he'd offended me somehow. Probably misread my
reaction. "Well, look at you, Mr. Top."

I put my hands on my hips heroically. "Yes, for your information, I am in
fact Mr Top." I gave my voice a comically masculine bass vibrato.

"Toppy McTopperson," he added.

"From Topsville." I nodded, and he laughed. I had him now.

"Guess I'm not the only one around here who tries to get boys pregnant. Bet
you really make the guys scream with this thing." He had stopped sucking me
but he was still playing with my dick with a newfound fascination.

"You ever had anything up there?" I asked.

"This one girl, she was pretty wild, she loved putting a finger in my
butt."

"And?"

He blushed and looked up at me again. "I ... didn't hate it."

I felt a rush of confidence then. Confidence and me, we don't usually go
together, especially not lately. But I was relaxing into the fantasy of it
all now. Somehow it was easier to believe in myself knowing that none of it
was real.

"Show me your ass," I said in my best commanding dominant voice. I
half-expected him to laugh at me and tell me fuck off, but he went pale
instead. It actually worked? I saw his dick jump and somehow get even
harder in response to my command. Slowly, he turned around and presented
his butt to me. It wasn't as hairy as I expected, given his chest and tummy
hair, but looking closer I did see a light fuzz that grew a bit darker
towards his crack. The curves of his cheeks were glorious, like that of a
wrestler -- I suspected it was nicer than his butt had been before I jizzed
on the computer. Everything was becoming a little too perfect. But I wasn't
gonna complain.

"Spread your cheeks," I commanded. Slowly, he did so.

Now, look. I'm not one, typically, to fetishize straight dudes. It's part
of why Andrew and I had such a great friendship. I got over my crush on him
early and focused my romantic and sexual attention on queer men who could
actually return my feelings. But sex was in the air and basically
everything in the room looked like something I could fetishize about. And
there was something about that straight man's tiny, tight, virgin asshole
wreathed in just the right amount of ass hair that drove me wild. As my
lust swelled, I could feel the computer screen glowing intensely once
more. It was happening again.

I dove in and ate his ass. I mean, he'd rimmed me earlier and I could at
least return the favor. He yelped in surprise but that quickly turned into
moans of delight. He tasted incredible, but nothing could taste as good as
the sounds of pleasure he was making. And nothing felt as good as the
certain knowledge growing in my mind that I was about to fuck my best
friend and fill him with my cum, with his cum still in me.

"We gotta find a way to get out of the porn world," I said, during a quick
break from munching his butt to catch my breath, "Otherwise I will eat this
ass *forever.*"

"Yeah," he moaned, "We do. We will. But uhhh... why don't you eat that ass
just a little longer first."

I happily obliged. He cried out in such a vulnerable way that it made a
long string of precum slip out of me and onto the floor.

"And then fuck me," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear it, and
it was so hot that I redoubled my efforts with my tongue deep in his hole.

But even as I felt myself being swept away with lust, some part of my brain
-- that part that can't ever just let me enjoy the moment -- was reminding
me that porn is addictive for a reason, and getting out of Pornlandia was
probably much easier said than done...