Verse 5

“Don't let go!”

“I got you!”

“Don't let go!”

“I'll never let go!”

I don't know how I grab a hold of Reuben's hand. The girls are going nuts. They are pulling at him. They are clawing at him but I'm struggling to keep him away from them. I find myself grabbing Reuben and pulling him to the ground. I throw my body over his naked body on stage.

It seems like almost forever until the stage people gather around to help us. The cops have completely abandoned us.

We are struggled to get back stage.

I literally take my shirt off and throw it around Reuben's waist to block him from all of it. It's so weird to see such a strong masculine man like Reuben being handled like that by a gang of young girls. Anywhere else it would have seemed like this was a guys dream. That wasn't what we saw. What was we saw was madness. Reuben had scratches all over his fucking body. No one was laughing about it by the time we get to the back room.

Reuben is shaking. Pace stands quietly next to him. He's shaking his head.

“How could this have happened.”

“My husband. He made the cops not do anything about it,” I admit.

This was all my fault. Pace gives me a hard look at that moment but luckily Reuben doesn't seem to feel the same. When I try to pull away from Reuben, he grabs me. He keeps me close and nestles into my arms a little bit.

“I told you...” Reuben explains, “Don't let me go.”

I've never seen him look so vulnerable. He looked violated. It wasn't just the fact that he was attacked by a gang of girls who just wanted him for his body. There was something emotionally draining about what he just went through. He had been completely used and abused. He was naked on stage for godsakes. All those girls pulling at his dick and balls. They were all touching all over him.

“You need to check your husband,” Pace tells me, “We don't need this drama.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Reuben tells him.


“Shut the fuck up, I said,” Reuben tells his producer again, “If it wasn't for Garrison, god knows what would have happened. Aren't you supposed to be my right hand? Where the fuck were you when all those girls jumped on stage like that?”

That was a good question. I was the only one who ran out to Reuben. If I hadn't literally covered myself with his body they literally would have torn him apart. I wasn't exaggerating when I said that. From the bruises and cuts on his body I feel like everyone knows that. The stage hands who are in the room are completely quiet. They've gotten Reuben some towels. They keep apologizing.

His mother walks in late as hell. She seems like she is on the phone. She barely even acknowledges the fact that her son was just fucking attacked and VIOLATED by a riot of girls.

“Excuse me!” I scream at her.

The mother holds one finger up at me, “One minute.

Janelle is unbelievable. Reuben doesn't seem to even be surprised though. She isn't even paying a little drop of attention to Reuben. She is off in her own business talking on the phone. I can't help but to get angry at that moment.


Janelle is shocked that I scream at her. She puts down her phone at that moment. Reuben isn't speaking out against her. It's shocking me. He was so good at speaking out against the Carmichaels but when it came to his own mother he was quiet as a mouse.

“What's the problem?” she asks.

“Your son needs you,” I explain.

“I know what my son needs,” Janelle states with a wide smile on my face, “What do you think I was doing on the phone just now? We have footage of the girls pulling Climax's clothes off on stage. It's amazing!”

I must be in the twilight zone. I look around the room. No one seems shocked or surprise that Janelle is talking like this. Pace looks a little fucking excited and the stage hands and back up dancers are all just watching on trying to see what she'll say next. Then I look over at Reuben. He is just staring down into darkness. There is nothing there. He's retreated into himself.

He's lost himself in this moment.

“They have nudes of him?” Pace asks.

“Amazing nudes. Full Johnson. I mean we couldn't ask for anything better. TMZ, E! And all these other networks are jumping at the story. This is amazing publicity. Beiber, Kardashian and those other guys can step aside. These nudes are going to break the internet.”

“You're joking,” I say.

Her son was attacked! He was fucking attacked.

“Of course not. What's with the long face?” she explains, “My son has a big dick. Girls are going to go even more crazy. His album is going to triple platinum. After this--- I guarantee you. I'm talking about breaking records here.”

She wasn't joking. This woman was serious.

“Your son was just fucking attacked...” I state.

“Garrison, it's OK,” Reuben says.

“No it's fucking not!” I respond.

Janelle shakes her head, “Listen. This is the business we are in. You may not understand it with your Soul music. Or whatever the fuck you call that. This isn't the 1950s. Publicity sells records. Sex sells records. Garrison---the record you sold caused a riot. You should be happy. The label may consider having that song on the album now.”

“Fuck the label. Fuck sales,” I explain, “He was violated.”

“By a bunch of girls. What are they going to do. Selfie him to death? He'll be fine. He's a grown ass man. Relax,” Janelle explains.

She was so out of touch. She didn't notice the bruises. She didn't think for a minute how her son would feel like to have his clothes literally ripped off his body in front of hundreds of people as they looked at him like some sort of sex object.

I just shake my head. Nothing I say to this woman would make a difference. Now I understood why her son was so ready to get away from her and go in a different direction with his music.

I feel Reuben pull at my shirt.

“Garrison. Just take me home. Please...”


I can't sleep that night. A part of me wants to sneak into Reuben's room and lay with him but I'm married and we agreed that we wouldn't go there. I do go into his room and watch him sleep though. I watch as he tosses and turns. I almost know what he's dreaming about. He's having nightmares about the attack that happened on stage. He is breaking out in a cold sweat.

And as I'm watching him from the door he just jumps up. He's screaming.

“It's ok,” I state from the door, “It's just a dream.”

“You been watching me sleep?” he asks.

His bed is huge. It's a king size bed. It's a canopy bed. The thing looks like it costs an arm and a leg. Even with his silk sheets and expensive bed, Reuben is still so uncomfortable. His eyes look over at me. It's clear from the slight bags that he hasn't had much sleep. Neither have I. He doesn't have a shirt on. He's dripping with sweat but still he looks so sexy laying on that bed of his.

“Yeah. That sounds a bit weird huh?” I say struggling at the slightly cracked door, “I promise you I'm not crazy.”

Reuben laughs slightly, “Yes you are...but I like it. Why don't you come...lay down for a second?”

I pause.


“I know you're married.”

I shake my head, “It's not just that. It's everything. This whole situation scares the fuck out of me...”

Reuben is looking at me trying to figure me out from his bed. He lays back. His stomach forms abs as he kicks his elbows out to keep him propped up.

He has these pillow eyes that seduce me as he bites on his lower lips and continues to tempt me, “You feel like you don't belong here. In my house with me?”

“No. That's the scary thing. I feel like this is exactly where I belong and I'm scared to death because I shouldn't.”

“Come lay down.”


“Please. We don't have to do anything,” he explains, “We don't even have to touch. I promise. I just want you close to me. I had a hard day and for some reason you're the only thing that relaxes me. I don't know why but you relax me.”

I sigh. I was married. Regardless of the marital trouble I was having with my husband I was still legally married. I didn't think it was right to sleep in another guy's bed. At the same time I feel like Reuben needed me.

He needed me and I wanted to be there.

So I get up and I walk over to Reuben's bed with him. I climb into the sheets. As promised Reuben doesn't even touch me when I get in the bed. He stares at me and I have to admit it's me who is wanting to reach out and touch him.

We are both facing one another on the pillow. Our eyes looking at one another. I can feel his warmth even though we aren't touching. We are so close that we end up on the same pillow somehow. I'm not sure how. Every muscle in my body wants to lean in just a few inches and kiss him. I don't. Instead we just stare at one another.

“How do I know you?” I ask him.

Reuben doesn't answer me. He smirks slowly and just closes his eyes...and goes to sleep.

I wake up in Reuben's sheets in the morning. He's not there. I can't help but to take a wad of sheets and just smell it. It smells like him. That's a fucking wonderful smell. I feel like the biggest fucking pervert just smelling his sheets on it but for some reason his sheets smell like home. It brings back these feelings of a time long ago. I don't get images like I've gotten before. I just get smells. I smell pine. I smell warm crackling firewood. I smell orange juice. I smell apple pie. All of these homely scents fill my nose. These are scents that I shouldn't be used to but I know.


There is screaming. I don't hear it at first but I get out of the bed and make my way down the steps. By the door I see that Reuben is having an argument with someone. He doesn't see me or hear me coming down the steps. I stop walking.

I am usually not the one to spy but I realize that the person he is talking to is Monica.

Monica is shaking her head, “I told you. I'd like to manage you again. I have plans for you and your career, but you put me in a compromising situation.”

“You and your family put yourselves in compromising situations,” Reuben explains, “You all knew what your brother was doing to Garrison.”

“Garrison is a grown man. People fight in relationships Reuben.”

“That's not a fight. It's only a fight when both parties are fighting one another. I hate when people say shit like that. Ok. He's a grown man. He is also lover. He has a real heart. He loved Sean and Sean took advantage of that love. That shit isn't cool.”

“You don't think I know that?” Monica asks, “My entire family knows that. My dad is beyond embarrassed. He has Sean in counseling.”

“That's not enough,” Reuben tells her.

“It's not your call to say what's enough or not,” Monica explains, “This situation has devastated my entire family. We all miss Garrison and honestly from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you bringing it to our attention...”

“You don't have to thank me.”

“Reuben this is a family issue. It's none of your business.”

“It is my business. Garrison is my friend,” Reuben explains, “Now I would you to understand I did what was best and I'd like to continue working with you Monica.”

“Well... Sean would like his husband back...”

“Garrison isn't a prisoner here. He doesn't want to go back.”

“If you kick him out he won't have anywhere to go but back home...where he belongs.”

“I'm not kicking him out,” Reuben says.

“Well then I guess that means I'm not managing you,” Monica explains, “You can deal with your crazy ass mother while she sells your soul for the highest bidder. Is that what you want?”

“I can't believe there was a time I liked you,” Reuben shakes his head, “This is supposed to be business.”

“It's personal when you took my brother's husband,” Monica explains, “Do the right thing Reuben. Kick him out and let's get back to business. You know I'm the only one who can properly manage you...”

“Monica don't do this...”

“Hit up my phone when Garrison is ready to come home.”

“Monica. MONICA!”

Monica leaves slamming the door behind her. I watch Reuben freak the fuck out in the kitchen. He grabs a glass vase off the island and tosses it. It cracks up against the door.

I walk all the way down the stairs at that moment, grab a broom and start sweeping up the mess that he made. His eyes set on me the entire time I do it. As soon as he sees me a calm seems to come over him. I guess maybe I did calm him down somehow.

“You heard all of that?” he asks.

I nod, “I don't want to mess with your career. Honestly you having me over here has been amazing and I love it...but maybe I should go home.”

Reuben was stressed out. The headlines had come out from the performance. His dick picture had gone viral as well as the story of the screaming girls on stage.

“Is that what you want?” Reuben asks me.

“No but...”

“Then you're not going,” Reuben explains, “Why don't you just divorce him?”

I stand there for a second, “I made a promise to always work it out with him. Through thick and thin.”

“Didn't he make promises to you too?” Reuben asks, “I don't know what the fuck they say in these weddings but there has to be some vow not to attempt to break someone's fucking spine. Is that in there somehow?”

“Just because he didn't keep his vows doesn't mean I'm not going to keep mine.”

Reuben shakes his head, “Divorce him. You can be so much happier. I woke up this morning. You know where you were?”


“You were cuddled up next to me,” Reuben tells me, “You were wrapped up all over me. You probably didn't mean to do it. You probably did it in your sleep. It literally hurt me to move you. And you know what? You were smiling. You looked like you were at peace. You looked happy. So don't tell me that he made you happy. Because he didn't. He didn't make you happy like I made you happy.”

Was he assuming I never shared those moments with Sean?

“You don't know me,” I remind Reuben.

Reuben looks over at me. His eyes try to dig past my eyes. He tries to dig in my soul and for a minute I think it's working until I pull away.

“Maybe,” he tells me, “Maybe not.”


I leave the house. I have to spend some time away from Reuben. Truth is I spend a lot of the day shopping and then I spend some time alone thinking. I made a vow to love Sean until death do us part. Reuben felt like it was about time I get a divorce. Living with Reuben was easy-going. I enjoyed it. I couldn't live with him forever though.

I needed to go back to my normal life and escape this dream at some point.


I shake off the feeling. I can't just be weak like that. I have to maintain my dignity. If I stuck with Sean I could end up dead. What if he snapped one day? Did I love Sean so much that I was willing to risk my own life? Till death do us part could come sooner than either one of us expected.

That is why I do my research. I grab all these papers from the local library and print them off.

If I'm going to get this divorce...I'm going to do it the right way.

I return to Reuben's house with the papers. A part of me hopes he will be at least proud that I've been researching how to get a divorce. It's a big step for someone like me. I'm traditional. When my taxi arrives back at the apartment I see the entire street is full of cars. As I arrive close to the house I can see why. There is a party being thrown.


I didn't do parties.

I walk out onto Reuben's lawn and I see all these Hollywood looking guys. They have their Miami club lifestyle thing going on. It's getting dark quick and music is blasting from the stereos in the house. I make my way in the house a little confused on why Reuben would be throwing a party last minute like this.

“Garrison! GARRISON!”

I turn and see Pace. I'm not amused really to see him but he is drunk and clearly in a good mood. The guy walks over to me as though we have been friends this entire time. He puts his arm over my shoulder and lets out a loud belch.

“What's going on here?” I ask.

“We're celebrating,” he says.

“Celebrating what?”

“Reuben's dick. What else?” he asks, “He just scored 30 million followers on Instagram. Everyone is tweeting about it. They made a Saturday Night Live skit about Reuben being attacked and damn near raped on stage.”

I roll my eyes. I can't believe this. It was a tragedy and Reuben's crazy ass mother had managed to turn this into a fucking good thing. This was wrong.

“I'm glad Reuben's dick is having a party...but where is Reuben...” I ask.

“Back here...come on.”

The house is crowded with people. There are celebrities. There are actually a ton of celebrities in the house and it's kind of annoying seeing so many of them in a place that I was actually starting to really feel like a 2nd home. They are loud, crazy and most of them are under the influence.

Pace takes me upstairs. A girl is up there just walking around with no shirt on. Her titties are just out. It blows my fucking mind to see her like that.

Pace opens the master bedroom. There is a couple there who looks like they are about to get it in.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Pace screams at the couple.

The couple saunters off relatively quickly and runs downstairs. Pace shows me to the master bathroom at that moment and opens the door. There in the bathroom is Reuben.

He's not alone.

His mother is with him. What bothers me isn't the fact that they are in the bathroom together. What bothers me is what the fuck they are doing.

Janelle and Reuben are snorting cocaine off the fucking vanity.

“Close the door,” Janelle says, “You're letting my high out.”

I look over at Reuben. His eyes connect with me. His eyes are blood shot red and he's rubbing his nose. I can't believe him right now.

“Drugs?” I ask, “Seriously?”

Reuben looks over at Pace, “Pace why the fuck did you bring him up here! What the fuck man?”

“He asked to see you.”

I look over at Reuben. I shake my head.

“What the fuck are you doing Reuben? This isn't you,” I tell him.

Reuben just seems out of it. He's high. I am not sure if it even clicks to him what I just said. His mother is laughing at that moment. She's so high that she's been dancing off beat to the music on in the speakers this entire time.

Janelle's laughter gets loud, “You don't know my son. Stop acting like you fucking know my son man.”

“I know your son better then you do, bitch,” I say.

I immediately regret it when I say it. I immediately regret the words coming out of my mouth.

“Did he just call me a ----” Janelle starts off.

She doesn't finish her sentence. She's way too high. She just falls over on the sink at that moment and takes another hit of cocaine.

“What was I saying?” she says after taking her bump.

I grab Reuben at that moment.

“What are you doing? This isn't you Reuben,” I repeat, “You know it isn't...”

“Who the fuck am I then?” Reuben asks me shaking his head, “Who the fuck am I? I'm not like you. I keep telling you that. You have a meaning to life. You have a purpose. I have nothing. This is it. Look around you. This is as good as it fucking gets for me. Money, fame and drugs. That is what this all has for me.”

“It doesn't have to be like that,” I tell Reuben.

Reuben just shakes his head. He's so high that he just keeps repeating, “Money, fame and drugs. Money, fame and drugs.”

“Get him some water,” I tell Pace.

“There's a fuckin faucet right there,” Pace points.

“Then get a fucking cup smart ass,” I tell Pace.

Pace rolls his eyes. He doesn't like me bossing him around but he still leaves to get some water anyway. The entire time that he leaves Reuben is just looking over at me.

“You're mad at me aren't you?” Reuben asks me.

“I'm disappointed in you.”

“I'm not perfect---like you,” he says.

He's not even being sarcastic when he says it. He really means it.

“Reuben I'm not fucking perfect. You need to sober up.”

“Hell yeah you are,” Reuben explains, “You're beautiful. You're smart. You can actually write a song. You have the sexiest voice I ever heard. And you're taken.”

“If you think my life is perfect you haven't been paying attention.”

“I didn't say you're life,” Reuben says, “I said you. Look at them lips. Fuck. Where do I know you from?”

Reuben is all over me. He could care less that his mother is watching. His mother looks on for a second. She seems a little disgusted but I think she's too high to really understand what's going on. Reuben presses up against the wall. A part of me wants it but the majority of me feels turned off for the first time by Reuben. He's so high that this aggressiveness is unattractive.

“Reuben. I'm getting you out of here,” I tell him, “I'm getting you away from her...”

I know that this is all Janelle's doing. I didn't know Reuben but I knew that he didn't do drugs. I just have a feeling that this was her. I felt it in my soul.

“Kiss me first.”

“What's going on here?” Janelle asks.

“I'm going to kiss a man ma,” he tells his mother, “It's the only man I ever kissed.”

“What the---”

Janelle doesn't know what to say.

Reuben isn't waiting for her to say anything though. He grabs me and he starts kissing me. All of a sudden I don't care if he's drunk, high or sober. The kiss blows my mind. His hand wraps around my head. Reuben presses me up against the wall of his bathroom. He strokes the side of my head as he aggressively kisses me. Our hearts race hard against one another.

“Are you fucking serious?” Pace asks.

Pace and his mother look at us.

Reuben hasn't stopped kissing me. He looks like he is even going to go further. He is trying to take off my shirt.

“He's high,” I tell Pace.

“He got high a lot of times he never kissed no other guys,” Pace says.

“It's because I don't love you. I love this guy here. This guy I don't know. I love him. I loved him even before I met him. I love Garrison.”

That is weird. Janelle seems to sober up when she hears that.

Reuben just declared his love for me.

I want to excuse it as just a high moment but Pace does something that doesn't let this moment go. Pace drops the water on the ground and I see tears fill up in his eyes. Pace is crying.

Pace just storms out of the room slamming the door so hard that it snaps in half.

“Reuben...why the fuck is Pace mad?” I ask getting more confused.

“Well...we're kind of married...” Reuben tells me.

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