Chapter 19


Okay, Jayson. Let's talk." Dr. Foster began.


"Talk about what?"


"About what happened to you."


"I was kidnapped, raped and beaten over and over again. You know that."


"Let's back up a bit. Tell me how this whole thing got started."


"Do I have to?"


"Do you love Kyle?"


"More than anyone or anything else in this world or the next."


"Do you want to be able to be intimate with him again?"


Jay thought for a moment. He really did, but he wasn't sure if Kyle would have him back. Despite what Kyle said when he came out of the coma, he didn't think it was going to happen. "I don't think that's going to happen."




"He's not going to want me back because I cheated on him."


"Jay, Kyle understands that the only reason you did what you did was to protect him. He loves you and wants you back. He's said so many times."


"I wish I could believe that."


"It sounds like you don't want to get back together with him."


"I do, more than anything. It's just that with what I've been through, how can I possibly make love to him now?"


"Why can't you?"


"I don't know. Whenever I think about sex, I get sick to my stomach and throw up."


"That's because of what you've been through. You haven't dealt with the rape, so thinking about sexual intimacy makes your stomach do flip-flops, and that's why I'm here. We, together, are going to get you through this. I won't lie to you. It's not going to be easy. There are questions that have to be answered that you're not going to want to answer. There are experiences that you are going to have to relive, no matter how painful they are. But it's absolutely necessary if you want to have a future with Kyle. Do you trust me?"


"Yes I do."


"Then let's get started. Tell me about your relationship with Kyle. How did the two of you meet?"


"Doc, I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Kyle is was my entire world." Dr. Foster ignored the `was' in his statement. "When I was a junior field agent, I was helping investigate the disappearance of two very high-profile federal lawyers, Robert and Angelica Matthews, Kyle's parents. I was looking at a bookshelf in his room when he came up behind me and asked if I was looking for anything in particular. I made an excuse about looking for the bathroom, noticing the bookshelf and wanting to read a couple of the books. He lied back on the bed in a very provocative position and offered to let me borrow the books." He gave a quick laugh at the memory. "He was hard as a rock and I could tell he wanted it, which made me hard. I said sure, but I needed to use the bathroom. I needed to get out of there before I did something I shouldn't. When I came back out of the bathroom, he was laying spread-eagled on the bed, face down as if to say `Want this? Come and get it. It's yours for the taking'. I gave him my business card along with the standard lame-ass `If you think of anything else, call me' line. I didn't see him after that for several years until we ran into each other at the Rainbows and Triangles bar. I acted like I was a little drunk, even though I only had one beer, and was trying to play darts when I stumbled. He caught me, held me then kissed me on the forehead. My face felt like it was on fire. I told him I needed to go home. He wouldn't let me drive so he drove me home."


"Then what happened?"


"He half-carried me into my bedroom, laid me on the bed, took my shoes off then kissed me again on the forehead. As he started to stand up, I grabbed his head and pulled him back down, kissed him on the lips and asked him to stay. He said something about me being too drunk and that he wouldn't take advantage of me in my condition. I told him okay, but at least let me hold you until I fall asleep, which he did. When I woke up the next morning, he was still there lying next to me, having only taken off his shoes and his belt. I spooned up against him. Are you sure you want to hear all of this crap?"


"I'm sure. Please continue."


"Okay. He must have felt my hard-on because he undid his pants and slid them down, then undid my pants, pulled my dick out and placed it up against his asshole." Jay suddenly got caught up in the memory...


"That feels so good. I've wanted you to make love to me since the first time I saw you." Kyle turned over and began to kiss Jay deeply. Suddenly he broke the kiss, got up and took his clothes off. Jay quickly followed suit.


"He lied down on top of me and began to kiss me everywhere. He was like a wild animal. It was almost as if he never had sex before." His voice trailed off.


"Okay, so he actually initiated the sex, not you?"


"Believe me Doc I wanted it just as badly. He beat me to it, that`s all. Anyway, he started kissing down my chest and stomach then started sucking on my nipples. You're absolutely sure you want to hear this?"


"Yes I am."




"I'll explain later. What happened then?"


Jay blushed. "He started sucking my dick and balls for a few minutes. I was in total heaven. Kyle was the absolute hottest guy I ever laid eyes on. I was so in love with him that I didn't know which way was up. Then it happened."


"What happened?"


"He grabbed a condom out of his wallet, put it on me, straddled me and lowered himself down onto me. I have a pretty big dick and he took every inch of it inside him. No one's ever done that to me before. It was the most incredible thing I've ever felt, with the exception of the orgasm I had inside him."


"And what was that like?"


"Indescribable. Mind-blowing doesn't even come close to describing it. I've been with other men before, but none of them ever came close to making me feel the way he did."


"How was it different from the other men you've been with?"


Jay thought about that for a few moments. "It's hard to put into words. It was like the other guys wanted me to hurry up and get it over with, but with Kyle, he wanted it to last forever. It seemed like we were the only two people in the universe, like we were made specifically for each other and no one else."


"Was this Kyle's first time?"


"No. If I remember correctly, it was only his third or fourth time. By gay standards, he was still a virgin."


"I see. Continue."


"There's not much more to tell. We both came at the same time and he collapsed on top of me. I stayed hard for a few more minutes before finally going soft and slipping out of him. He rolled off me and we fell asleep in each other's arms. So why did you want to know all of this?"


"What did you tell me a few minutes ago about having sex?"


"That is was indescribable."


"No, before that."


Jay was silent for a moment. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."


"Didn't you say a few minutes ago that even thinking about sex made you throw up?"


Jay thought hard. "Yeah, I did."


"But you're not throwing up now."


"No" Surprise colored Jay's tone of voice.


"So what has changed?"


"I don't know." Jay responded, puzzled.


"I'll tell you what changed. You were no longer thinking about the present, but were reliving one of your most cherished memories."


"You're right, Doc."


"So what are you feeling now?"


"It's kind of weird, but I feel happy."


"Good. I want you to remember this feeling, and your first sexual encounter with Kyle. You'll need it later on in our sessions."


"Why's that?" Jay asked, apprehensively.


"Because you're going to experience a lot of negative feelings and emotions, and remembering how it was the first time with Kyle will help lessen those negative feelings. Let's move forward in time, to the morning you and Kyle were caught kissing in the FBI parking lot."


Jay was silent for a few moments. "My truck was in the shop getting new brakes installed so Kyle had given me a ride to work. I had a pretty ordinary day then he picked me up after work and dropped me off at the car place. I picked up my truck and went home stopping by Arby's to pick up dinner."


"That's not what I'm asking."


"I don't understand." Jay replied, his brows furrowing.


"I'm referring to what happened before you got out of the car that morning."


"Oh, that. I kissed him and got out of the jeep." He said, evasively.


"According to Kyle, it was more than just a kiss."


Jay gave a small, embarrassed laugh. "Yeah, we did kind of get carried away a little, especially when he started rubbing my crotch."


"And you grabbed his butt, according to what he said."


"He wanted sex, as did I, and we probably would have done it right then and there."


"That's what he said."


"Sexually, Kyle's like the Energizer bunny...he keeps going and going and going. He can be insatiable at times. I remember one night we did it seven times, and he still wanted more, but I was totally exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep."


"It sounds like the two of you had the perfect relationship."


"Oh, we had our arguments, just like any other couple, but they were few and far between."


"So what happened when the two of you argued? Did it ever get physical?"


"Never, well, actually it did once." Jay responded quietly, eyes starting to tear up.


"Why don't you tell me about it?" Dr. Foster said quietly.


"It was That Day."


"That day?"


"The day he caught me cheating on him."


"What happened?"


"He walked in while I was cheating on him. He pulled the guy off me then threw him out of the house. I lied on the floor for a couple of minutes then I got up and tried to explain what was happening. He punched me in the stomach and told me to get my fucking ass out. It was the only time I ever heard him say any form of that word."


"I noticed that you keep referring to the sexual encounter as cheating."


"That's what it was."


"Okay. You told me that Kyle was your entire world and you loved him more than life itself. If that was true, then why did you cheat on him?"


"I didn't have a choice."


"No? Everyone has a choice. You didn't have to have sex with him."


"But I did have to."


"Had to, or wanted to?"


"Had to."


"Explain why you had to. From what Kyle told me, with him you were always the insertive partner. But yet with your other partner, you were the receptive partner."


"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!" Jay shouted, really pissed off.


"Why not?" Dr. Foster insisted.


"I got an email saying that if I didn't want anything to happen to Kyle, I had to call this guy. When I did, he told me that I had to let him fuck me or else I'll never see or hear from Kyle again. In order to protect Kyle, which I would do even if it cost me my life, I had to submit to him."


"Why didn't you go to the FBI or the cops?"


"They wouldn't have helped. My supervisor is extremely homophobic. If he found out about me and Kyle, it would have been the end of my career. The local yokels would have had a field day over the pathetic FBI field agent that couldn't protect his secret boyfriend."


"Okay, so I guess you really didn't have a choice."


"No, I didn't. I keep telling you that. Why won't you believe me?"


"Oh, I do believe you. I have all along."


"You could have fooled me."


"You've been fooling yourself."




"You keep maintaining that you cheated on Kyle. Cheating is when a person willingly has sex with another person that is not his or her spouse. You were an unwilling participant, were you not?"


"It was the only way to protect him."


"So you submitted to the other man to save Kyle from harm, strictly out of love for him?"


"I thought you understood that." Jay said, puzzled.


"I do. I'm trying to make you understand that it wasn't cheating. It was doing what you had to do in order to protect Kyle."


"I guess you're right."


"So let's not refer to it as cheating again. Okay?"


"Whatever you say, Doc."


"Get some rest. We'll talk again tomorrow." Dr. Foster left Jay to mull things over in his mind.


Okay, so technically I didn't cheat on him. But how can I convince Kyle of that, and not just him but everyone? I'm sure all of our friends and his family would just love to see me drop off the face of the earth. I have to figure out a way to convince him how much I love and need him. I love him so much. I can't bear the thought of living without him. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before, but after what happened with Corey, and after I promised him that I would never cheat on him, I doubt they can. I need to talk to him, make him understand that I only allowed myself to be fucked because it was the only way to keep him from becoming another unsolved missing persons case. I'd die if that ever happened. He rolled those thoughts over and over in his mind until he fell asleep.


To be continued