Story Ten.          A LIFE IN THE CLOSET  by  AARON THE AUSSIE.

 

If you are under 18 you should NOT be here, so DO NOT read on.  Just EXIT NOW.

 

"A Life in the Closet" is total fiction, but it is very largely based on my life experiences, so quite a lot of it is an attempt at recording in a slightly changed way, some of the significant events in my life.  And of course, names etc. have been changed.

 

Each Story that I have written, ( and I have used that word rather than the word Chapter ) can be read quite independently of all the others, because each is a complete, stand-alone story.  Some are longer than others and some have less or even minimal, if any sex.  But, the basic Gay / Boy Lover theme is there in each story.    

 

However, they are all written from my point of view and I have tried to keep them basically in an order of chronology.  So, they can be read in number order giving, an overview and flow to a significant number of the things that have happened to me over the years.

 

Since I was under some pressure as a young adult and genuinely felt some obligation as a result, to do all the things considered "normal", such as dating girls, with a view to marriage and a family, I really did try and I had some fun along the way. This story covers my efforts and the results.

 

I have tried to make each story interesting and as sexy as possible, whilst keeping them all as REAL as I could, particularly as regards things like; the language used, the ages of those involved, the time period relevant to that particular story and the prevailing attitudes of the community at the time. 

 

All of my Stories are completed and I don't plan to make any changes to them, but like all authors I love feedback and I would still very much appreciate and be interested in your comments.  So, please email me at:  aarontheaussie@bigpond.com

 

Also...Just a reminder that Nifty needs our financial support.  Please help with what you can, if you can.  Every bit helps, no matter how small.

 

So... Here goes I hope you find this story OK.

 

Aaron.

 

 

WHAT ABOUT GIRLS, ROMANCE AND THE FUTURE ?

 

"All Circle Left, there's magic dancing here tonight,

 Allemande Left your Corner, Turn your Partner by the Right,

 The Girls Star Left, go once around inside the land,

 Your Partner Box the Gnat, Do the Right and Left Grand,

 Those icy fingers up and down my Spine,

 Swing, Swing, Swing the girl, you Promenade so fine,

 Promenade the set   and try to show this pet,

 That old black magic called love – You swing your girl,

 Yes sir, That old black magic called love

 And we're thru,   everyone just woooo".

 

Following enthusiastic applause, the Caller said, "Say Thanks to everyone in your Square and take a little break, we'll be `Rounding Up' to dance again shortly".

 

I was learning to Square Dance and I was loving every single minute of it.

 

It was something I had first encountered briefly at about 16 whilst a Venturer Scout and I remember thinking then, how fabulous it was.

 

Now at 18 I was attending a learners Dance regularly each week and progressing really well.  Len, the Caller had told me that I had good rhythm and was a natural as a dancer.  He even felt that as I had nearly completed the learner program, I might get into a "Demonstration Square".

 

Everyone at the Dance was around my age and they were all just as enthusiastic as me. I thought one of the good things about it, was that there were lots of girls, quite a few really nice looking and quite a few who like me "loved to Swing madly". Further, many of them seemed to flirt with me just as much, if not more than any of the other boys.

 

It was the start of the 1970's. Having had a good decade plus of Rock & Roll, with Elvis continuing to be "the King" and having seen the Beetles at their peak, we were now very much into the "long hair" era and we were into shows like "Hair" and  "J.C. Super Star" and the future for those who were cool and groovy, was the much heavier hard rock era.  So things like Ballroom Dancing and Square Dancing were very definitely becoming out-dated and they no longer enjoyed their prior level of popularity at all, in fact they were now seen as very square.

 

And yet, I was amazed at just how popular they still were and how many young people they did still attract.

 

For so long now, my primary focus had been on Study which was still continuing at College. Further, I had attended a Boys only High School and my major interest had been Scouting, back then another Boys only pursuit.  In other words my life until then had not involved a lot of contact at all with girls.  But I knew that had to change. I now had to relate to women and girls at work and there were a few in my classes at College. Much more importantly however, there were casual, but then increasingly focused comments being made at home about my lack of involvement with and interest in girls, strongly implying that the time had come, not just to be thinking about romance and my future, but to be doing something about it.

 

In my mind, there was no question about my homosexuality. I was totally sure that my sexual interest was primarily in boys. But, that was my secret and in any case I wanted desperately to think about all the ordinary things that most everyone else of my age thought about and did with girls, ultimately including Marriage and Family.  And I'm sure that at the time, I genuinely convinced myself to believe that, despite my secret, I could actually make it happen. After all it was what was normal and expected.

 

I remember as a kid listening to my Cousin Laurie talk about the big Dances he used to go to.  Those who were good at ballroom dancing, generally had a partner and were on the floor dancing together romantically.  The seating in the hall was virtually all occupied by huge numbers of single girls, hoping to be "picked up" by the masses of single boys, who all congregated together around the entrance foyer area, reviewing and commenting to each other, on the available talent from which they could choose, if any of them ever got up the nerve to leave the pack and go ask a girl to dance.

 

So to please Mum and Dad, I had first tried a couple of the Dances of this type, which I found still existed.  But they were now a shadow of what my Cousin had described.  They had become smaller and fairly exclusive Ballroom Dancing venues, where you needed to have and take a partner because the "Pick up joint" aspect had long gone.

 

Then I tried a few Disco type nights at Clubs and other similar venues. But, being a very conservative square, I found it very hard to cope with the noise of the `so called' music, the alcohol being consumed and what I saw as the sleaziness of both the venues and the available scantily dressed, slutty looking girls. What's more I thought, you could hardly call whatever that was they were sort off pretending at doing, real dancing anyway.

 

Despite this "outdated" attitude on my part, there seemed few options and for a while I continued to try different venues, but mainly just for the sake of appearances and with very little real interest. At no stage did I ever successfully make a `Pick up'.

 

Then one night, it was just by chance, whilst ferreting for something in my desk draw at home, that I came across the card I had been given, from when I had first encountered Square Dancing as a 16 year old.  My interest was re-ignited and I decided to follow it up, because I clearly remembered that it was such great fun and that they had what they called a "Round up".  There was an emphasis on the fact that you didn't need to have a partner, just join the "Round up" and dance with whichever girl you got.

 

The other thing I found pleasing once I started to be more involved, was that having learned and become a reasonably competent dancer, there were so many good Square Dance Clubs around, that you could dance at, in just about any and every area of our city, any and every night of the week if you wished, assuming transport was available – and of course I had my little Corolla, didn't I?  Even if it was no longer a part of the `In Scene' I was happy. Recreationally, I had found my little personal groove. 

 

By the time I was 21, I had been square dancing for well over 2 years and I still loved it.  I also found that, my dancing comprised 2 distinct parallel involvements.  First, just regularly attending and enjoying different dances.  Second, enthusiastically being a member of a Demonstration Square or Dressed Set or Team, as it was known. This of course required a lot more commitment.

 

Dressed Sets were involved in demonstrating and promoting our activity, as well as Competition Dancing against many other Dressed Sets.  As the name implied, everyone in a Set dressed in matching and quite elaborate outfits, usually designed and made by the girls involved who sewed.

 

When I was first invited to join such a Set, there was an emphasis on the importance of regular practice to build teamwork. But interestingly, I was also told that..."within the Set, friendships are encouraged, romances are definitely not!!"  According to the Trainer, "When relationships fail and they do, things can become nasty and breakups are the quickest way to destroy a Set and this usually means losing people entirely from our activity."

 

"So", he said, "Try to ensure if possible that your romantic involvements occur outside of the Set".

 

Given my secret, this was relatively easy for me and I directed most of my enthusiasm for pursuing my goal of `Normalcy' with the girls I met whilst attending ordinary Square Dance Clubs.  At one stage I also dated a neighbour for a period.  At another I had a fling for a time with a girl from work, who I really liked.   

 

As a result I had quite a number of relationships, for varying periods and each at differing levels of intensity.  As well as dancing, I found the different girls had a variety of other interests and depending on whom it was I was dating, we did lots of things together. Often it was just going to the Movies, the local Drive-In, or to dinner and a live show. One I recall named, Rose was into sport and liked being taken to see local football games and tennis tournaments.  She was less keen on cricket, but we went because I liked it.

 

In addition there were other pursuits with different girls: picnic days, days at the beach, a little bushwalking, etc, etc.  I even had a girl at one stage named Robin, who was very involved as a Cub Leader with her local Scout Group.

 

It is fair to say that without exception, I enjoyed the company of all the girls involved, no matter what we did. But I was most comfortable whilst ever things remained casual and it was just fun and companionship.  As soon as a girl gave any indication that she wanted to start getting serious, or even just a little more intimate, I started to get nervous and although in theory, I wanted things to progress, I always found myself backing away or at least trying to. I just couldn't seem to help myself.

 

If things got to a point where I was unable to avoid intimacy, I found myself enduring it rather than enjoying it and the more intimate it became; the harder I found it to endure. This usually resulted in a quicker breakup than might have otherwise occurred.

 

When it came to intimacy, Helen was probably the most aggressive and least chaste of the girls I dated.  She was so forward that in the car after our first date, we were engaged in heavy kissing with tongue and she had me breast fondling, ( whether I wanted to or not ) virtually straight away. 

 

By our third date, she had managed to force my hand into her knickers for purposes of an exploration she controlled and supervised ( thank heavens, because unsupervised I'm sure I would not have satisfied her )  Meanwhile, she had managed to have my zip down, my pants open and my cock out and into her mouth for a good sucking, before I could do anything to prevent it from happening.  I found myself somewhat revolted by what she was doing with my hand and struggling to maintain an erection while she sucked. As it was I only got through that by imagining that the mouth on my cock belonged to a really nice looking boy I brought to mind.

 

As you might imagine, I couldn't run fast enough to be done with Helen.

 

Some breakups were more difficult than others, particularly if it was a girl I really liked and respected as a person and I often found that both my parents and hers would be more disappointed and upset about it than either she or I actually were.

 

By about age 24 I had clearly concluded that I was destined to remain Single and Gay. My quest for `Normalcy' had just not worked and I felt a need to live my life, probably largely in celibacy, as I was apparently meant to, without all the pressures I was then feeling.  There was nothing I wanted more than; a Wife, Kids and a normal future family life, but it just wasn't going to happen. So, perhaps I needed to `come out' to my Parents, but otherwise I decided, my big secret would remain a secret, permanently – I would have to be satisfied to continue having... "A Life in the Closet".

   

I also noted with some interest that this conclusion was often strongly supported in my mind, when I looked at the girl's Mother and/or Parents and considered the longer term future possibilities when she and/or we might end up being just like that... And I thought, NO THANKS !!  

 

Of course, throughout these years I had taken careful note of the many boys with whom I had contact, particularly those young male Square Dancers in my own age bracket, to whom I found myself especially attracted.  But, most were clearly involved with girls, or primarily there to get a girl for themselves and since girls had been my priority and my real interest tended to be in younger boys anyway, I managed generally to succeed in totally avoiding any such dangerous attractions.

 

My best friends, both male and female were the other members of the Dressed Set I was in.  All Sets comprised 4 boys and 4 girls and although in our Set it was fortunate that there were none of the romantic entanglements about which our Trainer was concerned, we danced with a regular partner; Arthur with Sharon, Terry with Judith, Alan with Rhonda and I danced with Francis.  I got on particularly well with everyone and as far as I was concerned, all 4 girls were particularly attractive and they were all beautiful dancers.  Fortunately despite close friendships, I didn't find myself any more sexually attracted to those particular boys than I did to the girls.

 

But then there was Freddie !

 

Fay at 16 and Freddie at 15 were Francis's younger Sister and Brother and although they were both still at school, like all of us, they were totally hooked on Square Dancing and were equally beautiful dancers. They danced together and were considered a part of the Set, simply because they were our `back-up, reserve couple', used in the event that anyone else was unavailable for any reason at all.  This meant that they regularly attended our practices and usually came to our demonstrations and the competitions in which we were entered as a Team.

 

Freddie was a very slim and long legged youth who I found particularly sexy and appealing. With dark curly hair and green eyes, his enthusiasm knew no bounds and he seemed to be constantly laughing at something and chattering on. His voice was rather high pitched and his mannerisms were just a tiny little bit girly.

 

I had never even thought about Freddie as a sexual prospect, despite being conscious of his appeal, until one afternoon during practice, when he followed me into the men's room during a break, stood beside me at the urinal and amongst other general chatter whilst we were peeing, remarked,  "Gee, you've got a nice one haven't you!!"  I think it was obvious that I was stunned, because I didn't even respond in any way to his comment.  At the time, after a brief but embarrassing silent pause, Freddie made some other unrelated remark, laughed and then chatted on and the incident passed as though it had never occurred. However, I certainly remembered it and stored it away for future reference.

 

Subsequently an opportunity arose to test Freddie's interest and I took full advantage of it, despite feeling very nervous about what might actually happen and while trying to remind myself about my `Normalcy' endeavours.

 

The Team entered a Dance Competition at a Festival in a country town, which meant a weekend away and Motel accommodation for everyone, on both the Friday and Saturday nights.  Having a car, I was to take my partner Francis, who had told me just what a wonderful person her Mother thought I was.  So, when Mum Farnham asked me if I would also take Francis's younger Sister and Brother on the trip in my car, I agreed. But, I did so on the understanding that with 4 in the car plus outfits and luggage, it would be cramped, meaning that everyone would need to behave well during the trip.  Mrs Farnham agreed and then proposed booking `Twin' rooms at the Motel, one for Francis and Fay and one for Freddie and me, for which she magnanimously said she would pay.

 

The drive was to take about 3-3½ hours. But getting away from work meant that we were not on the road until a little after 6.30pm and we reached the Motel just prior to 10pm.  All the others in the Team had already arrived, so having booked into our rooms, we proceeded in typical young persons' style to socialise together in one of the rooms until I finally called it a night at about 1.30am, suggesting that we did need some sleep.

 

Our fairly typical `Twin' room comprised a double, plus a single bed. But, as it was a cold winter's night and only the double had an electric blanket, it was Freddie who had suggested that we share it.

 

I could tell once we had both disrobed down to just our briefs that Freddie was somewhat aroused and having both gotten into the bed in just briefs, Freddie snuggled up close to me. Lying on my back I could feel his hardness pressing against the side of my thigh and as his head came into my shoulder, he placed a palm on my chest and bent a long slender leg over mine.  We settled that way but he couldn't stay still long and soon I felt him rubbing himself against my hip and he bought his palm to a nipple and started rubbing there too. 

 

The time had come for action so I placed my hand over his package and began to fondle. He moved onto his back and straightened out giggling and moaning and he then allowed me to lower and remove his briefs. Then I placed myself into a position to engulf his by now straining erection and that felt great. It was slim but a good length and quite straight but with some foreskin, just as I liked them.  I licked every bit of his shaft, then attacked his head and his piss slit and the sensitive underside, whilst using my fingers on his balls, his perineum and eventually his rear.  By now Freddie was quietly but continually moaning, and gurgling in ecstasy, so I began to move steadily up and down on his shaft and to apply a strong sucking action.

As I increased the pressure, he began to move in unison fucking into my mouth and throat and it became clear that he was getting close.  When his climax came, it was huge and I struggled to capture his entire load, but I was able to do so.  He was clearly very excited by what had happened and took a very long time to come down from his high.

 

He then wanted to hug tightly and relax a bit and given the hour I expected sleep to come, but Freddie first wanted to reciprocate and I went through a period of absolute ecstasy while he expertly licked and sucked my cock to a magnificent explosion, such that he was not quite able take it all.

 

Before we did finally nod off, he suggested to me that the following night might be when he could expect to enjoy being given a good solid fucking!!

 

Our Saturday was a big one and we all seemed tired before we started. But, we danced very well and the Team managed to make the finals of the competition, which were to be held on the Sunday morning.  Both Fay and Freddie were ever so excited about how well we had done. 

 

There was a huge and as always, fantastic Square Dance / Social for everyone on the Saturday night, which meant yet another late night.

 

Whenever an opportunity arose, I had always been enthusiastically excited about oral sex with a boy. But, I did not have much anal sex experience and I was a little wary of it. So although I enjoyed my day of dancing, I was somewhat preoccupied throughout, about the night ahead with Freddie.

 

However, once we were back in our room and it all started to happen, my concerns fell away, particularly when Freddie started to giggle at his own wickedness, having produced a jar of lube he had obviously brought with him for the purpose. 

 

The room was warm as we had turned the heating on before going to the dance, so having stripped down we were laying on the bed in just our briefs and I allowed Freddie to get things started, which he did by removing both our briefs, straddling my chest and aiming his rock hard cock at my lips.

I leaned forward, taking it fully into my mouth and sucked it eagerly, easing back the foreskin and running my tongue over the bulbous head.

"Oooh, Aaron!" Freddie gasped, running his fingers through my hair.

I slipped the fingers of my free hand into the lube jar and then ran them up and down Freddie's arse crease, allowing one greasy finger to push through his anal barrier and well into the boy's tight tunnel.

"Uhhhh!" Freddie groaned loudly and I stopped, but had to warn him to keep it down.  The walls between Motel rooms are not universally sound proof.

I resumed my sucking and continued to finger Freddie, eventually managing to insert a second finger.  But I didn't want him to cum too quickly and he seemed to be getting close. So I pulled away, licking my lips.

"Your cock is just beautiful!" I said.  Then looking at him searchingly, I asked "Are you sure you still want me to fuck you? Because I'd like to, but I'm not very experienced and I don't want to hurt you, as I might not be very good"

"I really do want you to" he assured me,  "I'd love to have a nice cock like yours inside me. But, I haven't had much experience either, so we'll both just have to let nature take its course."

We both Got up. Freddie placed a pillow in the middle of the bed and I covered it with a towel so that he could lie down, positioning himself over it. I knelt over him taking my time to carefully work more lube into Freddie's bottom.  Again I inserted a second finger, working both fingers around to open him up as much as I could, because he was very tight and I was still concerned that this could be quite painful for him. Finally, I pulled out; it was time to do it. I smeared some lube over my erection and moved in close, guiding it onto Freddie's sphincter. I pushed hard while he pushed out and miraculously I slid inside.

"Ohhhh!" he gasped, obviously feeling a sudden stab of pain. But, I held still and it quickly subsided as he managed somewhat to relax.

"Good man!" I breathed, continuing to press forward.

Then I became aware of his prostate as I thrust over it.

"Uhhhhh!" he moaned, as a bolt of electricity clearly arced through his boyhood.

Instinctively I began to move, fucking the boy steadily, savouring the velvety warmth of his tight little bottom. Freddie groaned and whimpered the heady combination of his pain and pleasure clear from his reaction as I increased the pace of my thrusts transporting him to a higher level of excitement. Then my orgasm hit like a bolt of lightning, my penis reared up and volley after volley of my semen spurted into the depth of Freddie's rectum. It was close to the most sensational feeling I had ever experienced.

"Oh Fuck!!" I gasped, withdrawing as carefully, but as quickly as I could so that I was able to engulf Freddie's throbbing cock as I turned him onto his back.

"Ohhh God, Aaron!" Freddie cried, shuddering uncontrollably. A moment later his boyhood jerked into action swelling and pulsing between my lips and I was able to have and swallow all of the quite considerable quantity of boy juice he gifted to me.   

Eventually Freddie threw his arms around my neck and gazed at me with his eyes sparkling. "Thanks Aaron" he breathed, "Don't worry about just being `good enough', you were better than that, in fact you were fantastic!!"  Then he kissed me, deeply with real passion and feeling. 

Later, I reflected with interest on that nights sex, including my having spoken the word `Fuck' out loud more than once, for the very first time in my life. That reflection convinced me finally and beyond doubt that no girl could get me excited at all, in the way that the likes of Freddie did.   

I don't think any of us had great expectations when it came to the finals of the competition the next morning. We were all more than pleased just to have made the finals. But alas, then Arthur managed to slip on the stairs at the venue, coming down hard and hurting his back.  As a result, Freddie had to dance in his place and amazingly, we still managed to achieve Third Placing.  We were all absolutely stoked and as well as nursing his back, poor Arthur ( probably the best dancer in the Team )  had to put up with many rude comments about how good we were without him!!

Sometime later, there was a similar weekend away when I was able to again arrange things so that Freddie and I shared a room together at the Motel we used and on that occasion, if anything the sex we had was better.  I would even go so far as to say much, much better. I think because, I then knew that Freddie wanted it as much as I did and as a result I was as uninhibited as he was. And also because by then I had abandoned my `Normalcy' quest and all of its baggage, having reached my conclusion to accept myself for what I was and am.

Beyond the realm of my dancing, some other big changes were about to occur in my life and it was because of these that I felt that the time had come to `Come Out', `Confess', `Spill my guts' to my Parents.

First I had been asked, pressured, cajoled, to take over my old Scout Troop as Scout Leader, because it had fallen on hard time through lack of a good Leader and desperately needed rebuilding.  Despite some reluctance, given the responsibilities involved, I had ultimately agreed to do so and having agreed, I had to take on the commitment fully. If I was going to do it, I had to do it properly and to the best of my ability.  I also have to admit that part of my reluctance to say yes, related to my attraction to boys of the age involved and the question of my ability to ensure that, in that regard I was absolutely able to resist any temptations.

By then I was quite close to completing all of my studies and at last my time would be entirely my own, to do as much Dancing, Scouting and whatever else I wanted to do.  Having the time then to do the job as Scout Leader properly was a very important consideration in my finally agreeing to do it.

Finally, I felt that the time had come for complete independence.  I was in a financial position to do so and was in the process of purchasing my own residence so that I could `leave the nest'.

Opening up to my Parents on the very sensitive subject of my sexuality, was unquestionably the hardest thing I had ever done and I dreaded it and prevaricated for ages, feeling quite sure that they would respond negatively.

My gut feeling was absolutely right. They gushed over my decision to buy a place and move out, which surprised me as I had expected them to be upset about that too. But, they swept my sexual revelations aside, like something too hot to touch, making it clear that they were in complete denial and that they didn't believe me, let alone accept or even want to hear what I was trying to say. 

Dad made his feelings clear by saying,  "I'm not interested in discussing queers and faggotts, your my Son, so I feel that the time will come when you'll find the right girl, you just have to keep working on it." 

Mum had little to say on the subject at all and basically, beyond a very occasional rave on Dads part at odd times in the years that followed, about `filthy poofters and queers', the subject was never ever again mentioned. No further mention occurred either, as to why the `girl that was right for me' never did ever come along.

I was disappointed with their attitude, but then knew that I would be unlikely to change it, so I decided that having done my best to do the right thing, I would just leave it at that and get on with life. As it turned out, I think largely because I chose to stay in the closet, thankfully the effect of my failed attempt to `Come Out' was minimal and the positive relationship I already had with Mum and Dad, was not greatly affected.

My new re-involvement in Scouting quickly resulted in a marked reduction in the time I had to go dancing and eventually I found it necessary to relinquish my place in the Dressed Set.  However, I continued to dance as often as I could and I have never stopped doing so entirely.  In fact, despite the passage of time, I am now square dancing and enjoying it, more than I have since what for me were those long ago halcyon days.

Regrettably, once I withdrew from the Dressed Set I lost contact with most of the friends I had who were in it, fairly quickly.  I maintained my friendship with the Farnham family for a time, but even that gradually faded.

As to Freddie, we had no further sex together. But those 2 weekends will forever remain experiences that shine very brightly in my memory.

It's funny, that despite my absolute inability to ever relate intimately or sexually with them, today most of my very best and closest friends are all women.

______