> a Man loves a Boy - book 1 < * - Last time, my ongoing 'Gypsy Series' story ended with: Tearing myself loose from my boy's penetrating gaze, I tried to regain at least some 'normal' composure as a trained psychotherapist. I also took a couple of deep breaths, to force myself to return into the 'here and now'. Ultimately, as a responsible grownup, I had to keep this situation in my own hands, because I couldn't allow myself to show any weaknesses towards such a small child. Or, could I? In the meantime, my 'little Shaman' freed himself from Marries arms, still probing my eyes and reading my deepest intentions. For a second, he seemed to wait for any negative reactions, now that I was able to see his so terribly burnt face. Would I really accept him and want to be his new Big Friend? Or, would I soon reject him, as so many others had done after they saw his burns... When nothing happened, my boy took a couple of quick steps towards me, until I was able to feel his surprisingly warm body heat. There, he stopped, as if he wanted to wait for ME to take the next step... Feeling a deep reverence, I 'read' my boy's aura field, in which I sensed a Very Old Soul and Wise Cosmic Master, temporarily living in this small body while waiting until he had grown up enough to start fulfilling his Important Task on Earth, working closely together with ME! Again, I remembered my old Indian Shaman. According to him, my soul already possessed many powerful 'Cosmic Abilities', but I would be able to use all my powers only after I first met a couple of former 'Cosmic Friends' from my past lives, and we started working together. Only, what were those 'Cosmic Abilities', and had I really been such a powerful Shaman myself? Even stranger memories started to show up in my confused mind, of once being a famous Gypsy Leader, nicknamed 'Gypsy Monarch Harold the Great'. In that past life, my little Shaman had been a grownup and my Beloved Vice Leader, while John was his little son and totally devoted to me! In that past life, working closely together, my boy and I had founded our modern Gypsy way of living, filling it with much more Caring Love, Freedom, Understanding, and Compassion...
- CHAPTER 6. Meeting - and losing - my little Soul Mate. Again, I didn't know what to think of all those strange revelations. Had I really been a famous Gypsy Leader, during one of my past lives? Or, was I suddenly becoming senile, at this way too young age, and was my mind playing tricks with my confused old brain? If only I could have some undeniable proof... Again, I pulled myself together, before my confused mind disappeared completely into what could be only a strange daydream. Of course, I had never been a 'Beloved Gypsy Monarch Harold the Great', while little Harry was my grownup Vice Leader and my best friend, and John was little Harry's own son and totally devoted to me. Forgetting about the waiting children and their drinking orders, I sank onto one knee, to be on the same level as my little Gypsy friend. Still feeling a deep reverence, I opened my arms towards my so extremely special boy, as if inviting him into my embrace. Feeling as if coming out of a deep trance, I heard myself beg: "Hi, my friend, you must be Harry. May I have a hug, please?" Immediately, my little Gypsy Shaman turned into what looked like a vulnerable little boy! All of a sudden, he seemed to feel unsure, while staring at me wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Obviously, he hadn't expected to get such spontaneous welcome from a stranger who just met him and saw his so terribly burnt face for the first time. Quickly, he pulled himself together. Again, he entered my mind and saw right through me, while he paged through my intentions. This time, I could literally feel him search my soul for sincerity. Could he really trust me? Did I really accept him for who he was, now that I could see his so badly burnt face? Or, would I soon feel too disgusted and turn him down, as so many others had done after they saw his burns for the first time. Again, I sent my boy all the Universal Love I was able to muster, while telling him in my mind that I really wanted to be his new friend. He could trust me, and I sincerely promised I would never let him down. Cross my heart and hope to die! Again, my boy picked up my thoughts, and, finally, he trusted me. Quickly, he recovered completely, while his wonderful bright blue eyes started to sparkle with pure joy. Suddenly, he let go of his last fears and trustfully let his defenses down. Immediately, his protective aura opened up to me completely, allowing me to sense all his still hidden fears, doubts, and longings... At that same moment, I could read my boy's aura like an open book! I could sense his pains, sadness, and loneliness; but also his deep longing to belong to a grownup who really cared for him. Yes, he still had some fears, after all the rejections and humiliations he had to endure during the past two years. Would I really accept him for who he was, now that I could see his so terribly damaged face? Could he really trust me, as I already promised him in my thoughts? He was still a little bit afraid of being rejected, once I started to realize how badly his ugly burns and scars were looking in reality. Without saying a word, I stared back into my boy's bright blue eyes. Again, I started to send him all my love, plus my honest feelings of deep respect and friendship. In my mind, I again assured him I felt honored to be his new friend, and that he really could trust me... Again, my boy picked up my thoughts, and his even more sparkling eyes told me that he had decided to take the risk and accept my friendship! Trustfully, he took the last step towards me, turned around, and leaned into me as if totally committing himself to me. Nothing in the world can even begin to describe what I felt now that my 'former son' so trustfully committed himself to me. Many powerful waves of sheer happiness and Pure Love exploded in my inside and almost overwhelmed me! This was MY boy, my former son, my precious friend, once my trusted Vice Leader when I was our Beloved Gypsy Monarch the Great, and forever my one and only Eternal Soul Mate! During all our lives, I had always loved him with all my heart; and, finally, we were together again! Gently, I folded my arms around his tiny frame and pulled him into a welcoming bear hug, surprised at feeling such a warm body. With a beautiful smile from ear to ear, my boy leaned even more into my chest; while his small hands clamped onto my embracing arms, as if he tried to seal them around his waist. With a deep sigh of utmost content, he tried to melt even further into my aura. Having 'my boy' in my arms felt like the final fulfillment of all the things I had been waiting for during my life. Everything fell into place, telling me I had reached the first step of my Final Destiny! From here, we only had to go on, working closely together, including John! Vague memories showed up in my mind, of all three of us sitting around a crackling fire, having fun with telling each other silly stories. The swirling wind howled around our small log cabin while, from a distance, we heard the growling sounds of hungry grizzly bears. Today, our best trapper friend joined us, drinking coffee while having my bouncing little son on his knee. The man had John's deep brown eyes and hair with little curls at the edges. Still feeling strange, I forced myself to leave my 'memories from a past life' and return into the here and now. All these new revelations were too much for my old and a bit rusty brain! Plus, I still wasn't really sure, because my confused brain COULD have made things up. Apart from that, I now had my little Gypsy friend in my arms, and that was all that counted. From now on, we would always be together, and I was already planning not to let him go ever again. Overflowing with very much tender loving care for my newly found little friend, I pulled him even closer against my chest. Tenderly, I bent over towards my broadly smiling boy and put a warm kiss onto his forehead. That was what I always did with my little brother and with my own daughters. Kissing them had always been my strongest means of expressing my love for them. With a surprising agility, my boy wrestled around in my arms, until he could look straight into my eyes. Showing me a beautiful smile full of love and trust, he put his small arms around my neck and pulled himself upright. Then, he kissed me back, full on my mouth! Two small wrinkled but also surprisingly warm lips eagerly pressed against mine, forcefully, as if he tried to send me a message. For a second, I felt too embarrassed to react. Then, my inside started to shudder, while my straining body cramped together and froze. Heaven knows I couldn't help it, and I certainly hadn't planned it. At that same moment when my boy's surprisingly warm and wet lips touched mine, I felt shocked into my deepest core! Instinctively, my arms paralyzed, while my mouth tried to pull back from this too intimate contact. Never before had any stranger kissed me on my lips like this! To me, with my strict and puritanical upbringing, kissing on someone's mouth was almost a SIN when it wasn't your own flesh and blood that did it. My own parents never kissed me; and I had kissed my own little brother, but solely on his forehead and certainly nowhere else. Even my own daughters never kissed me on my mouth. Only my own wife had been allowed to kiss me like this, but only in the safe intimacy of our closed bedroom. Now, suddenly, this little boy kissed me full on my mouth, as if we could be bride and groom... Feeling shocked into my deepest core, my perplexed mind didn't know what to do. Should I push the little sinner away from my mouth, and try to explain why I didn't want him to kiss me like this? Only, I didn't want my newly found little friend to feel guilty about showing me what probably was only his childish affection; and I also didn't want my boy to feel rejected during our first meeting! Still feeling very uneasy, I decided to do nothing but wait, until my boy understood my message and stopped his inappropriate kiss. After what felt like an awkward eternity, little Harry finally stopped his kiss and slowly withdrew his lips from mine. His small arms left my neck, and his lithe little body slumped down and slowly slid towards the floor, where he slipped through my still paralyzed arms and collapsed into a heap. Slumping down onto the carpeted floor, he heaved a couple of heartbreaking sighs and started to cry, although he tried to muffle his sobs so as not to alarm his friends. Although I tried to pull myself together, my perplexed brain didn't understand why my boy suddenly cried. What could have happened to him? Why had he suddenly slumped down onto the floor? Could our too powerful emotions have been too much for him? Yes, of course, that was what had happened! Little Harry had been too excited for his own good, and he needed some time to pull himself together. Because my numbed mind didn't work any more, I switched into my 'professional autopilot'. That was what I always did when a situation turned out to be too difficult and I didn't know what to do. Automatically, I decided to let my boy have some more personal space, as I always did with my little clients when they started to be too emotional. Little Harry would certainly feel more at ease when he could see John and his other friends. With some difficulty, I rose to my feet, scooped my sobbing little friend off the floor, and carried him to the kitchen table. There, I took an empty folding chair, sat down, and lifted the sobbing little rag doll onto my lap, facing me. After a few seconds, I thought it would be better for my boy if he could see his 'big brother'. Ultimately, I was still a total stranger to him, because I had met him only a few minutes before! Trying to be helpful, I started to turn my sobbing little rag doll around, to let him face John and his other friends... Instantly, my boy looked up at me with a severely shocked face! For a couple of seconds, he even stopped crying, while staring at me wide-eyed. Then, he screamed, with a surprisingly deep baritone voice: "NOOOooooooo..." Violently, he fought himself free from my enveloping arms and slid down onto the floor. Immediately, he scrambled upright and stumbled towards the kitchen door, nearly tripping over his own feet. He threw himself into the hallway, from where we heard him open the front door. He stumbled out of my house and disappeared into our surrounding neighborhood, leaving all doors wide open. What had happened to my suddenly screaming boy? Still feeling dumbstruck, I slumped back onto my folding chair. While staring at the open kitchen door, my confused brain still didn't comprehend what I could have done wrong. For heaven's sake, why had my little friend suddenly screamed and fled away? Should I go after my crying boy and try to bring him back? Only, what would my neighbors think of me, an old grandpa who chased after a crying little boy through their backyards? Of course, I didn't want to be arrested as some potential child molester. Still feeling speechless, I looked at John, but he seemed to be as bewildered as I was. After a moment of silence, John asked me: "Shall I go after Harry and try to bring him back to you?" "Well, I don't know... Do you have any idea why Harry suddenly cried and fled away?" "Sorry, sir, but I think we have to ask Harry about that! Come on, let's go outside and find Harry..." John rose from his chair and beckoned his friends to follow him. Together, they left me and hurried outside, to go look for their crying little friend. Marrie helpfully closed my front door, before they spread out and disappeared into our neighborhood... All at once, my kitchen was empty again. The sudden silence felt eerie, and I still hadn't the faintest idea what could have happened, or what I could have done wrong. Could I have misread my new little friend? Or, had I done something stupid, without realizing what I did? Still feeling numb, I poured the milk from the saucepan into the sink and put the unused glasses away. Then, I brewed some strong coffee, in a desperate effort to clear my still entangled mind. I HAD to pull myself together first, before I would be able to find out what could have happened to my suddenly crying little friend. After drinking my coffee, I sat down on my folding chair, closed my eyes, and started to replay the events in my mind. That was what I always did when I encountered a too difficult problem. By looking at our interactions, I hoped to gain more insight in what had happened. First, I recalled six children, huddling together in front of my house. Five kids expectantly looked up at me, but the sixth one shyly hid behind his friends. Obviously, little Harry didn't want me to see his badly burnt face, although John should have told him about my own burnt little brother... After inviting my young friends in, I entered my house without looking back, hoping they would feel less wary about visiting a 'stranger'. Being free to enter my house voluntarily, they would also feel more at ease knowing they were free to leave voluntarily. The idea seemed to work, because all the children followed me into my kitchen, including little Harry. Next, I recalled John and Thomas, already sitting at the kitchen table, while Mark and Chrissie joined them. A motherly looking Marrie had her arms around a hesitating little boy, while she in vain tried to push him towards me, although the little boy still tried to hide his burnt face from my eyes. At that moment, I decided to do nothing. Trying to avoid my earlier mistake, I just let the boy make his own decisions. I only sent him my Universal Love, while telling him in my mind he could trust me and that I wanted to be his new friend. Surprisingly, my boy reacted immediately, as if he had heard all my unspoken thoughts! Suddenly, he lifted his head and stared straight into my eyes, while effortlessly reading my inside like an open book. Rarely had I met a child that was able to see through my so carefully built up defenses. However, never before had any young child read my hidden thoughts and uncovered my deepest secrets with such an ease and this effortlessly! Could this tiny child really be an upcoming Shaman? Probably, he already was one! Now, I recalled my boy's burnt face. His terribly scarred forehead showed several reddish patches and lots of wild flesh. His little nose was halfway gone, making his too big nostrils look like black holes in a marred face. The left side of his mouth was askew, and his stained lips were shriveled and wrinkled. His right ear stuck to his head, and his entire skin was stained in at least three different colors. I had to admit that little Harry WAS a 'freaky' sight, certainly to anybody who saw his so badly burnt face for the first time, or who wasn't used to having a burnt little brother around. Surprisingly, despite his terrible ordeal, my boy still maintained a strong aura of Pure Inner Power! He was still proud of himself, and his radiant spirit seemed to be unbroken. My so badly burnt little Gypsy friend and upcoming Shaman certainly was an amazing little soldier! After drinking the rest of my coffee, I went on recalling how I bent forward and kissed my boy's scarred forehead. Had I kissed my burnt little friend too soon after I met him for the first time? Or, wasn’t this little boy used to being kissed by a stranger? Maybe, nobody ever kissed him? That would be very sad. However, little Harry immediately turned around in my arms and looked at me, while showing me a beautiful smile and sparkling eyes full of joyful acceptance. Obviously, he had appreciated my spontaneous kiss very much! Suddenly, he put his small arms around my neck, pulled himself upright, and kissed me back, straight onto my mouth. Two wet and wrinkled but surprisingly warm small lips pressed against mine, eagerly, as if he tried to send me a message... Fortunately, now that I remembered my boy's kiss, my puritanical inside didn't react shocked any more. Having calmed down, I was now able to see my boy's spontaneous kiss in a somewhat different light. I also remembered seeing many more children greeting their parents by kissing them on their mouths. Only, up to now, I had never before given such 'sinful' behavior a second thought. Now that I thought about it some more, I understood that my reaction had been very childish! I had reacted overdone, by feeling 'sinful' about what had been only a spontaneous kiss from a young child that clearly adored me. Little Harry had only tried to express his affection, as a spontaneous child that wanted to greet an adored grownup. Now, I went on replaying what had happened afterwards. After what felt like an awkward eternity but was only a couple of seconds, little Harry stopped his kiss and slowly withdrew his wrinkled lips from mine. He slumped down onto the carpeted floor, heaved a couple of heartbreaking sighs, and started to cry. At that moment, I presumed that our shared emotions had been too much for the crying little boy. Therefore, I decided to give him some more personal space, by letting him join his friends. Little Harry didn't protest when I scooped him off the floor and took him into my arms. His tiny body just sagged against my chest, while I carried the little rag doll to the kitchen table. After lifting him onto my lap, I decided to turn him around, so that he could face John. As if he suddenly felt disappointed, he immediately stared deeply into my eyes. Then, he screamed, fought himself free, and ran away! For heaven's sake, what had I done wrong? Little Harry started to scream after I turned him around on my lap... Could his turning around be a problem? Could it be that little Harry did not WANT to be turned around to face John and his friends? Again feeling shocked into my deepest core, I found out something about myself that I had totally overlooked. The turning around hadn't been HIS decision, but MINE! I hadn't asked little Harry what HE wanted, but ASSUMED I did the right thing! This was a serious lack of consideration! How could I have overlooked such an important thing? Did I ever think I could be a good psychotherapist? Feeling deeply ashamed about my obvious lack of consideration, I rose from my chair and brewed another cup of coffee. This time, I took my coffee outside and sat down on my porch, hoping to see the children and their burnt little friend. Hopefully, I would be able to talk to my boy and make up for my rude behavior... However, the street was empty and it stayed empty. Where was everybody? Where was my little friend now? Would I ever see him again? Or, would he be too disappointed about my obvious lack of consideration and try to avoid my house from now on? That would be truly sad! After drinking my coffee, I decided to have an honest look at my OWN inside. This time, I also wanted to look at my relationship with my own little brother. Therefore, I closed my eyes and looked at my remembrances from my own difficult youth. As far as I could remember, little Joshie and I had always been in peaceful harmony with each other. However, was that the truth? Or, had our 'harmony' been only my own wishful thinking? I tried to picture my little brother in my mind, but felt surprised to see that I couldn't remember how he looked... Why didn't I remember Joshie's face? Had I ever REALLY looked at my little brother? Had I ever looked into his eyes, to see who he was and what he wanted? So far, I always assumed he had brown eyes like mine, but I didn't really remember. Had I ever talked with Joshie? I mean, REALLY talked with him? I did talk TO him, sure, to tell him what my parents or I wanted him to do. But, did I ever talk WITH him, waiting for and listening to HIS answers? Suddenly, I started to realize that I didn't even know my own little brother. When he was still little, I bathed him, I dried him, I tickled him until he laughed, I put him into his bed, and I kissed his forehead. However, that was all the contact I ever maintained with my always happy little brother. I was so used to having him around, as a faithful little puppy, that I often didn't even realize he was there. Little Joshie was always there, seemingly feeling happy. The only time he seemed to need me, was when a thunderstorm raged. That made him crawl into my bed and sleep next to me for the rest of the night. However, I couldn't remember ever putting my arms around him, even after he had burnt himself and was totally dependent on me. Even outside, I always just dragged him with me, with his burnt little stump in my much bigger hand. Had I really been that egotistic? Even after Joshie caught himself on fire, I never asked him what HE wanted. I had to take him with me whenever I went outside, but was that what HE wished? I just dragged him with me... Of course, he couldn't speak any more; but, certainly, his eyes could have told me something. Only, I never looked into them... I was sure I loved him as my little brother, but who did I love? Obviously, I didn't even know Joshie! Why did I never look into his eyes, to see who he really was? The sun was setting and the outside air started to get chilly, so I decided to go inside. In my living room, I sat down on my couch and closed my eyes, this time forcing myself to contemplate on who I really was. Sixty-five years of wasted life, never really listening to my wife or to my children, always doing what I assumed they wished, but never asking them. Little Joshie didn't seem to need me, until he burnt himself and became dependent on others. My parents always were too busy with themselves. My own wife never complained, even after we divorced. My two daughters just married and went their own ways. Suddenly, a severely burnt little Gypsy boy enters my life and seems to need me. And, again, I am making the same unforgivable mistakes! Again, I am assuming what my boy wants, without asking him first. Again, I am not listening to what HE has to tell me! I am such a selfish egotist... Obviously, I will have to change my behavior drastically, before I will be worthy to befriend such a vulnerable child. And, I will have to start right NOW! In the meantime, my body started to feel drowsy and tired, as if all my energy left me. Assuming I needed some rest, I stretched out on my couch and closed my eyes. Immediately, I drifted off, until my mind was barely aware of my surroundings. At the same time, everything around me started to feel calm and peaceful. Was I suddenly dying and entering heaven? A bright unearthly light started to surround me, seemingly coming from everywhere, while my inside felt overflowed with powerful waves of Cosmic Love, tenderness, and compassion. Again, I felt little Joshie's well-known harmony, as if he stood next to me and stared at me with his knowing eyes. Feeling surprised, I opened my eyes and looked around. Much to my surprise, I immediately saw my 'Spirit Guide'! This time, Jack was no longer some hazy form, as if made of colored steam, but he was REAL, and surrounded by a beautifully colored aura that stretched out into all directions, as if vibrating and glowing brightly with many unearthly colors. For a long time, Jack looked at me, while sending me lots of Love and understanding through his deep brown eyes. Then, he embraced me, while I felt his arms folding around my ethereal body. A moment later, I heard his by now well-known warm and soulful voice, this time coming from his OWN mouth. Looking at me with eyes full of compassion, Jack asked me: "My dear brother, do you understand now?" Nearly choking up from my welling emotions of shame, I could only nod, while tears of frustration started to stream down my face. My inside felt totally overwhelmed by so much understanding, so much Love and compassion, engulfing me with all these powerful waves of Universal Love... Yes, this time, I DID understand! Again, I heard Jack's warm and soulful voice, telling me: "Don't be afraid, and you didn't make a serious mistake. Your son will come back to you, because you need each other to work together when the time is there to start your task on our so terribly confused Planet Earth. Please, don't doubt any more, only listen to what your Own Heart tells you, and love your boys with everything that you have. May our Supreme Being be with you and bless you..." Slowly, Jack's warm and soulful voice drifted off, while the unearthly bright light faded away and I woke up on my couch, curled up into a tight ball and crying my heart out...
# # # - A few excerpts from your wonderful 'fanmail' emails: > I'm fascinated by where you are going with your paranormal portions
of the plot. They have real possibilities. You are keeping them in the realm of
rationality rather than science fiction. I'm not terribly interested in
paranormal phenomena but neither do I reject the possibility of their
existence.
> I read your story yesterday with much pleasure and hope you will
continue it as it is extremely well written and has a wonderful story line. I
can tell you are a very caring and sensitive person from the way you write.
> So you are professional - well I thought
so. Your insight is far beyond the common man. My background apart from the
official one that i published is that i was professionally dealing with abused children as well.
I know from that and have also felt on my own body, the immense damage gossipers
- anonymous informers and preoccupied prosecutors can cause, and they are very
difficult if not impossible to make to understand the essences of trust and
honest human relations, just because there are also bad people out there.
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