> a Man loves a Boy - book 1 <
- Last time, my ongoing 'Gypsy Series' story ended with:
Feeling surprised, I opened my eyes and looked around. Much to my surprise, I immediately saw my 'Spirit Guide'! This time, Jack was no longer some hazy form, as if made of colored steam, but he was REAL, and surrounded by a beautifully colored aura that stretched out into all directions, as if vibrating and glowing brightly with many unearthly colors. For a long time, Jack looked at me, while sending me lots of Love and understanding through his deep brown eyes. Then, he embraced me, while I felt his arms folding around my ethereal body. A moment later, I heard his by now well-known warm and soulful voice, this time coming from his OWN mouth. Looking at me with eyes full of compassion, Jack asked me:
"My dear brother, do you understand now?"
Nearly choking up from my welling emotions of shame, I could only nod, while tears of frustration started to stream down my face. My inside felt totally overwhelmed by so much understanding, so much Love and compassion, engulfing me with all these powerful waves of Universal Love... Yes, this time, I DID understand!
Again, I heard Jack's warm and soulful voice, telling me:
"Don't be afraid, and you didn't make a serious mistake. Your son will come back to you, because you need each other to work together when the time is there to start your task on our so terribly confused Planet Earth. Please, don't doubt any more, only listen to what your Own Heart tells you, and love your boys with everything that you have. May our Supreme Being be with you and bless you..."
Slowly, Jack's warm and soulful voice drifted off, while the unearthly bright light faded away and I woke up on my couch, curled up into a tight ball and crying my heart out...
- CHAPTER 7. Misinterpretations and misunderstandings.
Halfway through the evening, I woke up from stiffness after lying curled up on my couch for such a long time. Vaguely, I remembered dreaming about a bright unearthly light that surrounded me from all sides. Only, because I didn't remember anything else, I let it go as being only some strange dream. What time was it, and how long had I been dreaming? My living room was getting dark, so I rose from my couch and switched on a few twilight lamps. Next, I stumbled to my kitchen, to brew another cup of strong coffee.
Only, before I reached the kitchen, my too loud doorbell rang, again reverberating through the entire house. Feeling a bit irritated, I stumbled to my front door to open it, ready to brush off the unwelcome visitor I was sure I hadn't invited. Who the heck would want to pay me an unexpected visit at this time in the evening?
I opened my front door, looked outside... and was nearly run over by a human cannonball that suddenly jumped up to me! Immediately when John saw me, he launched himself onto me and clamped his arms around my waist. Burying his head into my chest, he started to cry his heart out, although he also tried to muffle his sobs. What terrible things could have happened to my young friend? First, I looked around for any more unexpected visitors. Then, seeing that John was alone, I dragged my sobbing limpet into the hallway and closed the front door. Inside my house, John slowly released his death grip on my chest and hesitantly looked up at me.
Showing me two desperate eyes in a tear-stained face, he sobbed:
"Please, can I... sorry, sir, may I have another talk with you?"
"Of course, you may! Please, come in and be my guest."
With my arms folded around John's still heavily sobbing frame, I guided him into my living room. My young friend ambled next to me, now and then heaving deep sighs and nearly stumbling over the doorstep. What could have happened to him that made him feel this distressed? Inside my living room, I released John and quickly switched on a couple more lamps, before went to my couch and sat down. Invitingly, I patted the empty space next to me. However, John only looked at me with a pleading face. Then, he just threw himself onto my lap and again started to cry his heart out! What should I do now? For a moment, I was concerned that John might see me as a 'replacement father' or as his new 'Big Friend'. Didn't he have his own Dad to help him cope with his distress? Ultimately, his parents didn't even know me; and what if they didn't want their son to befriend such an unknown 'danger stranger'?
Then, I decided to listen to what my Own Heart told me, as Jack had told me I should do all the time, and my Own Heart told me that John needed my help and guidance! Therefore, I wrapped my arms around his heavily sobbing frame and tried to give him all the support that I thought he needed, by sending him as much Universal Love as I was able to muster. That was what I always did with my emotional little clients, to help them calm down and feel safer.
Out of professional habit, I also tuned in into John's enveloping aura, to sense what could be his problem. This time, my young friend felt like a forlorn and lonely child that was craving for lots of tender loving care and understanding. Who, or maybe what, could have made him feel this distressed? Soon, John started to cry and talk at the same time, telling me through his heavy sobs:
"Harry doesn't believe me any more... I told him you didn't freak out on him, because you are used to seeing your own burnt brother... but he won't listen any more and just keeps on crying and crying, until my father started to yell at me and ordered me to do something about Harry. That is why I am here, to ask for your help..."
John continued to tell me a lot more, but I couldn't understand him through his heavy sobs and therefore asked:
"Shush shush... Now, please, try to talk a little bit slower, so that I can understand what you want to tell me."
In the meantime, I looked around for my packet of tissues. Where could I have left it, now that I needed it for John to wipe his tears and blow his nose? I was sure I had found it on the bottom of one of my cardboard boxes. Only, where had I left it, thinking I would be able to find it easily? Had I left it in my kitchen, or maybe in my hallway closet? Obviously, I was really becoming a forgetful 'old man'!
Feeling irritated about my forgetfulness, I reached into my trouser pocket, to get my handkerchief and help John with his teary eyes and runny nose. Only, John already beat me to it. Still sobbing, he worked his own handker-chief out of his back pocket. After wiping his wet eyes and teary face, he blew his nose in it, before he neatly folded it together and put it back into his pocket. Then, he looked up at me again, showing me two deep brown eyes full of trust and love, and an apologizing smile on his still tear-streaked face.
Now that John had calmed down, he was able to tell me what had happened since this morning: Immediately after my young friend promised to bring Harry to me, he started to search for his little brother. Soon, he met his friends, who were playing hide and seek in the surrounding backyards. John told them what I asked him to do, and they offered to help him find Harry. Together, they started to look for their little friend, planning to persuade him to join them towards me. After some searching, they found Harry in my backyard, hidden in some thick bush. He had again positioned himself so that he could see into my living room, staring at what I was doing.
Triumphantly, the children took the little spy to John's room, because they wanted to know what I had told John about my leaving them alone on my porch. Sitting on his own bed, John told his friends a few minor things about me being used to having a burnt little brother around. However, John didn't want to tell them too many private things about me, because he didn't know how much information he could relay without my consent. He only assured his intently listening 'little brother' that I was a very nice and friendly man, and I had personally asked my young namesake to pay me a visit!
For a long time, Harry only stared at his 'big brother', with a blank face, as if he didn't believe John's praising words. Getting more and more frustrated, John again assured Harry that I was a very nice man and really wanted to be a friend! Little Harry had nothing to be afraid of, because Big Harry was already used to seeing a boy with a badly burnt face, because of his own burnt little brother...
Looking more and more unsure, Harry suddenly blurted out:
"Then, why was Big Harry mad at me when he returned into Jack's living room? He even cursed and kicked a chair around! Of course, he doesn't want to have me in his house, with my freaky face, or he doesn't want me to have my own herbs garden in Jack's backyard..."
For several seconds, John didn't know how to respond to Harry's sudden outburst. Then, he decided to tell Harry everything about little Joshie's burns, his sudden death, and my own horrible youth. John only hoped I wouldn't mind the other children hearing my sad story, for the sake of my little namesake...
Immediately, Harry sat upright and started to listen intently, while the other children finally understood why I had left them alone on my porch without giving them any explanation. Now that everybody had heard my own sad story, they reacted both shocked and full of understanding. Even little Harry now accepted that my flaring anger had nothing to do with him or with his herbs garden in my backyard. I had only felt my own pain and frustrations, because I remembered my own burnt little brother!
After John had told them everything about me, Harry confessed:
"I was afraid that Big Harry wouldn't want to see me in Jack's former house, after you told him about my burnt body and freaky face. I also feared I had to give up my herbs garden, because Big Harry had already kicked a couple of my white cobblestones..."
"Well, I think that Big Harry stumbled on them by accident, without knowing what they are for. But, he really has an understanding character, and he absolutely wants to meet you! Please, don't be afraid that he doesn't want to see you, because he is already used to seeing a boy with a burnt face, because of his own little brother. Shall we go to Big Harry's house now, to meet him and get acquainted?"
Reluctantly, Harry agreed to join his friends to my house, although he still was afraid that I would reject him once I saw his burnt face, in spite of being used to seeing my own burnt little brother. In the past, too many strangers had panicked, called him a 'freak' or an 'alien', or wanted to call for an ambulance, at seeing his so terribly burnt face for the first time. At last, Marrie threw her arms around her hesitating 'little brother' and just pushed him out the door. Determinedly, she dragged him towards my house, followed by the others.
Inside my house, all five children felt very happy to see everything going so well. Secretly, they had hoped and prayed that Harry would find himself a new 'Big Friend', or perhaps a 'replacement Dad'... Now, all their hopes and prayers seemed to be answered! When I saw their little friend, I immediately greeted and embraced him, we seemed to like each other very much, and I even kissed his so terribly scarred forehead without hesitation. Therefore, it really looked like little Harry had found himself a new Big Friend!
That is, until they saw me carrying a sobbing little rag doll towards the kitchen table, take him onto my lap, and then turn him around to face his friends... Immediately, Harry started to scream, fought himself free from my arms, and ran out of my house at lightning speed!
All the children felt at a loss, and nobody had any idea what could have happened. Could 'Big Harry' have done something bad to their suddenly crying little friend? Following John outside, they immediately spread out and started to search for the little runaway. After searching in vain through the surrounding backyards, they found Harry in John's bedroom. He had slumped down onto John's bed, burying his face in a pillow to muffle his sobs.
John sat down next to his little brother and urged him to tell them what had happened. Only, Harry refused to talk and just went on crying and sobbing. Feeling at a loss, John persisted and told his little brother that nobody had ANY idea why he suddenly ran away. Had 'Big Harry' done something bad to him, maybe unintentionally?
Suddenly, Harry screamed that he had lost EVERYTHING and only wanted to DIE! At hearing Harry's heavy outburst, all the children felt severely shocked. For a moment, they didn't know how to help their desperate little friend who suddenly wanted to die. Then, John just pulled Harry into his arms and again begged his little brother to tell them why he felt so desperate...
Finally, after some more persuading, Harry told his friends why he felt as if he had lost everything:
Inside my house, my warm feelings of love and sympathy totally engulfed Harry's aura, making him feel safe and cared for. At that moment, Harry knew that he had found himself a new Big Friend! When I saw his burnt face for the first time, I didn't even flinch. I only sank onto one knee to be on the same level, and asked my little namesake for a hug! Feeling surprised, Harry first tried to read my hidden intentions. Could he really trust me? Would I really accept him as he was, including his terribly burnt face? When he again sensed my unconditional love, he left Marrie, stepped towards me, and trustfully leaned into me. While basking in my aura full of Tender Loving Care, his inside felt like coming home! Finally, his mourning was over, and he was sure he had found himself a new Big Friend.
Unexpectedly, his new Big Friend bent over towards him and KISSED him! Now, his inside felt all warm and mushy, while he basked in his joyful feelings of total acceptance. He was now sure that I was going to love him at least as much as Jack had done, and probably even more! How could he show me he felt elated to have me as his new Big Friend? Almost drowning in his feelings of pure love, he put his arms around my neck and hugged me. Then, he made the biggest mistake of his life... HE KISSED ME BACK.
Immediately when his shriveled lips touched mine, my entire body stiffened, while my shocked face contorted and froze. All my feelings of acceptance disappeared completely, while my warm aura full of love went cold and retreated inside. Obviously, I felt too disgusted by those awfully burnt lips that suddenly touched mine. Without saying a word, I waited until his so badly burnt mouth would leave mine...
As an unexpected thunderclap, Harry's entire world fell into shambles! Suddenly feeling awful, he slumped down onto the floor. He felt utterly disappointed, totally rejected, terribly ugly, and only wanted to die. The only grownup he really trusted, next to Jack and his own parents, had turned him down... Involuntarily, he started to cry, but he tried to muffle his sounds so as not to alarm his friends.
For a split second, his hope flared up again, when I lifted him off the floor. However, I didn't talk to him, and I didn't even ask him why he cried or what he wanted. I just took him to my kitchen table, where I sat down and placed him onto my lap without saying a word. Then, I suddenly turned him around, away from my face! Obviously, I still felt too disgusted at seeing his so terribly tainted freaky face with those ugly wrinkled lips and all those awful scars...
Now, Harry felt as if he had lost everything that could be worth living for. While crying his heart out, he wrestled free from my arms and ran away from Jack's former house, feeling less than worthless. He thought about throwing himself in front of a car to end his ugly life, but ended up in John's bedroom. However, he still didn't want to live any more. He had trusted me and I had turned him down! From now on, he didn't even trust Jack any more, because his deceased former Big Friend had assured him he approved of the new owner of his old home. From now on, he only wanted to DIE.
After telling me his sad story, John sagged down and collapsed onto my lap. Clamping onto my chest with all his might, he again started to cry his heart out. Again, I folded my arms around his sobbing frame and held him close to my chest, while sending him all the Universal Love and compassion that I was able to muster. In the meantime, I felt so guilty! Why hadn't I ASKED my little namesake why he suddenly started to cry, instead of assuming I was doing the right thing? Now, everything I had done had been misunderstood, and our first meeting had gone awfully wrong.
What a terrible mess! How would I ever be able to explain my severe lack of compassion to that poor child, supposing he would have the courage to return to my house and meet me again? For a moment, I tried to talk to John, but my young friend just continued to sob in my arms, still clamping onto me while burying his head in my chest. Where the heck had I left my huge packet of tissues, now that I needed it? I was sure I had put it in a 'safe' place where I would be able to find it easily. If only my old and too rusty brain could remember where that 'safe place' had been...
Finally, John started to calm down. His tear-stained face showed up from my chest, and two deep brown eyes looked up at me as if apologizing for being such a crybaby. Again, John worked his own handkerchief out of his back pocket. Looking for a dry corner, he wiped his eyes and blew his nose in it, unintentionally making a lot of noise. Chuckling nervously, he folded the wet thing together and put it back into his pocket. In the meantime, I had wiped my own eyes with my own handkerchief. Hoping to relieve some of our built-up tension, I tried to make the same lot of noise.
For a second, John and I stared at each other, trying not to laugh. Then, we started to bellow with laughter, which made our built-up tension diminish and fade away. Being able to behave as if we were mischievous children, felt like a most welcome release! Again, I started to think. Had really little Harry recognized me as being his 'trapper Dad' from our past lives? And, had I really been their Beloved 'Gypsy Monarch Harold the Great'? Again, all my former beliefs started to crumple down even more, making me feel even more unsafe and uneasy.
Then, another important thought struck me. I suddenly realized that I was taking on an enormous amount of responsibility, by letting this vulnerable child enter my life. My little Gypsy boy wasn't only burnt on his outside, but he could be damaged in his inside as well. Therefore, I had to be extremely careful with my suddenly suicidal little friend! And, I had to start right NOW.
Looking at my clock on the wall, I asked John:
"What do you think, John? Is your little brother still awake?"
Looking at me with sudden hope in his eyes, John re-sponded:
"I suppose that Harry still waits for me to return home, because, before I left, he almost begged me to tell me everything about you! Only, my father ordered me to be right back, so I think I have to go home now before he shows up here to collect me..."
"Shall I walk you home and try to have a quick word with Harry?"
"Oh, yes, please! That would be wonderful!"
Looking much happier, John hopped off my lap, turned around, and offered me another warm hug!
Again, my affectionate young friend was working his way even deeper into my heart! Teasingly, I put a kiss onto his forehead, which made him snicker and wipe the kiss away. Then, while bumping into each other on purpose, we went to the kitchen sink to wash our teary faces and make ourselves a bit more presentable. Again, we started to splash each other with water, although, this time, we tried to restrict ourselves, to keep our clothes dry. Again, we playfully started to mock fight to have some more of the same kitchen towel.
Of course, being the oldest and therefore the strongest one, I won...
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- Some more excerpts from your wonderful 'fanmail' emails:
> I continue to love this story and the way you are telling it....so much compassion and love. God, people can be so cruel........of course, under the circumstances and the way the world is.....it is completely believable that people can be so insensitive. Please know that you are appreciated; and keep up this excellent writing.
> The chapters keep getting more feeling and compassion as the story goes. I can feel the love that Big Harry has for his boys and we need more Big Harry's in this world instead of all the non caring sperm donors just getting their rocks off. I could truly feel Big Harry's pain at the time of his loss of his boys in my heart and I cried with him. Please keep on writing. You amaze me with your professional insight and knowledge of the true world. Your story is one of the most inspirational I have ever read and I hope more people are inspired to do good by reading your essay.
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