The Journal of Julian Corsair,

An Uncommonly Good Man

 

Copyright© 2014 – Nicholas Hall

 

 

Julian Corsair – Chapter Sixteen – "Not with a club, the heart is broken, nor with a stone – a whip so small you – could not see it..." (Dickenson)

Our company remained with us, except for John and his family who left on the fifth of July to attend to their motel and restaurant in Copper Harbor, until the weekend. It was a grand time for all of us. The La Mont Family acceptance of me as Pauley's soul mate and lover overwhelmed me. I really hadn't expected it, but since they so readily accepted Pauley's sexual orientation, it shouldn't have been any surprise- but I was, and now, extremely pleased with it for more than one reason. Julian was the only person I really considered "family" since I came to live with him. Before that, it was a succession of foster homes after I became a ward of the state. Now, it seems, I am blessed with another family, one from whom the love of my life has sprung and belongs, securing my place with him in it.

I still missed Dr. J.; he provided me with love and understanding at a time in my life I really needed it and thrived on it. His loving care and treatment of me added purpose and encouragement to my life. If my thoughts lingered too long on his absence, however, I'd sadden, but would perk up remembering all of the good times we shared together. Not only did he open portals of my mind to all things cultural and intellectual, but taught me to value the simpler things, such as the bright, red, yellow, and multi-hued apples found at La Crescent during the annual Fall Apple Festival; or the festive, raucous, beer-swilling, polka-dancing October Fest in downtown La Crosse. I thrived at UW-La Crosse enjoying not only my classes and major studies, but the activities and events there ranging from concerts, recitals, plays, athletic events, and visiting symphonies.

Julian continued Dr. Arnold's practice, as I discovered from reading his journal, of holding monthly discussion groups by gathering together retired and active professors for an evening of light snacks, drinks, and civil discourse on a variety of topics, and included me in those groups. I see now these informal symposiums or focus groups were as much for my benefit as well as for others. They were fine evenings spent in the company of learned men and mentors. I benefited from these experiences far more than the average student and now am quite grateful for them and him for the opportunity to open my mind and expand my knowledge and curiosity. I often wonder what was going through their minds as they patiently answered my many questions!

Gareth, Susan, and their family left shortly after noon on Sunday for Madison. They were the last to leave. Gareth really enjoyed their time at the lake and our new campground, vowing to return, if we invited him back (we did), before school started in the fall. Hugh's family hung around until everyone left, helping clean up, haul tables and chairs back to where they obtained them in the first place, and bagging up the garbage and storing in the garage so Pauley and I could take it out to the county highway in the morning so the garbage man could haul it away. The amount was much more than we usually had, so I'm certain there'd be an extra charge.

"Don't dare leave it outside," Hugh declared, "the damn bears and raccoons would tear the bags open and scatter the contents all over- be a real mess, that's for sure!"

Tom and Rosa insisted on staying to help, but they'd done so much already, so we managed to convince them to "supervise" the clean-up operation from the porch. I still hadn't had the opportunity to spend some time with Tom and inquire how he became acquainted with Dr. Edwards, but I would in time.

The sun was fading rapidly in the west about nine that evening when Pauley and I finally called it quits and settled on the porch for a cold beer. The second swallow of the cold brew oozing down my throat was just as delectable as the first and, as I savored it, my reverie was interrupted by the sounds of a vehicle coming down the lane toward the house. Concerned, I turned to Pauley to comment on it, but encountered a sheepish look on his face grinning back at me.

"I forgot to tell you, Matt," he revealed softly, "Ben's coming back here tonight."

"Whatever for?" was my question to him. "Is there something wrong at home?'

"No, not really," he responded, "but I could use some help with the lawn service and everything and he's without a job right now. The resort he used to work at was sold last winter and the new owners kept him on only until their son and daughter-in-law moved in to help out; hence, no job for Ben since the middle of June."

"And?" I asked knowing there must be more to come.

"If you don't mind, I thought he could sort of live here and I wouldn't have to drive to town to get him and all. Besides he'll be a big help around the `Patch."

Our conversation came to a halt when Hugh pulled up, stopped, and Ben climbed out of the passenger seat, grabbed two large travel duffels from the back, and sauntered, grinning up to the porch.

"Don't let him drive you nuts," Hugh shouted out with a laugh, wheeled the truck around and headed back out the lane.

"Uncle Paul, Matt," Ben said quietly in greeting.

"Take your bags into your bedroom," I said with a smile, giving, what I thought was my blessing to his arrival and our newest resident at the "Patch." Pauley seemed to relax as I did so Ben grinned again, and walked to the bedroom he and his brother had occupied during the reunion. When he finished putting his things in order and in the dresser, he returned to the porch, after a shortstop at the refrigerator to retrieve a cold Pepsi® for his pleasure and two more cold beers for us.

We sat in silence, darkness upon us with the failing light, the night sounds of the forest, the creaking of crickets in the yard, the loons on the lake, and the deep, throaty croaking of bullfrogs in the reeds growing along the shore of the lake were suddenly joined by a couple of coyotes yowling off somewhere in the surrounding woods. Their plaintive, pleading, yipping was sharp, yet an almost lonely cry, lost souls trying to comfort each other, or the sad, whimper of an abandoned child, lost without hope! The coyotes ceased their chorus suddenly and relative quiet settled around us again.

"I'd really like to thank you, Uncle Paul and Matt," Ben said, breaking the silence, "I looked all over for another job, but just couldn't find one. If I'm ever going to go to college after high school, I have to work. Dad and Mom will help all they can, but there are five of us at home."

Before I could say anything, he rose suddenly, said, "Goodnight" and left for bed.

Pauley and I succumbed shortly thereafter and headed for bed. I was tired and so was Pauley, but yet sleep failed us. Pauley apologized over and over for not cluing me in sooner about the arrangement he'd made with Ben. The business did take a great deal of his time and he could really use the help.

"Perhaps you don't know," Pauley concluded, "Hugh's house is only a three bedroom; Hugh and Kathy have one, Meredith has another, and Ben, Jared, William, and Danny all share the third. There's hardly room for the boys in that one room."

Pauley said no more on the subject, but it didn't take a rocket scientist or a now-unemployed college professor to see where this was going. Ben was a fine young man, going to be a junior in high school, a hard worker, and pleasant to have around. I'd have no problem with him moving in with us, providing his parents approved. Somehow, I thought this might've already been considered and worked out, but I'll bide my time for the announcement to be made.

I shuffled around, patted my crotch and chest, inviting Pauley to "Read to me please!"

**

The celebrations, with War's End with Japan, were just as raucous and robust as those in May, but war's end also foretold a loss of revenue to our little community and a reduction in the population as workers left for other venues. Momma was laid off and at her wits end with nothing to do. Even her side business took a dip with more and more of those she entertained leaving the area.

With the end of August came my first year of high school, a freshman, ninth grade, and it came with all of the accoutrements such as physical education class and all of the delightful danglies hanging between boys legs at shower time. Sexually, I'd developed early in life, sporting, in junior high, a bigger cock than most of the boys and definitely more hair at the root and under my arms, but none elsewhere. Now, it appeared to my casual observation, other lads matured as well, surpassing me in length, girth, and hairiness. There were a couple who seemed to be well-endowed, balls larger than mine, hanging pendulously, wobbling back and forth as they emerged from the hot showers. The Bible might say blessed are the weak, but big cocks - blessed didn't quite describe the incredulity of what I viewed!

Rather than spend all of my time contemplating these new wonders and the possibility of liaisons with the boys attached, I spent considerably more time on my school work, saving the slicking up and down of my stiff prod until just before bed or upon waking in the morning.

On the urging of Miss Harrison, I joined the science club and the chess club. On my own, I also joined the chorus. Dr. Arnold thought I should be well-rounded in my education so he suggested I might participate in some athletic event as well – sports, as he referred to them. I wasn't big enough for football (five foot eight or so and one hundred and thirty-five pounds); I couldn't dribble a basketball to save my life, although I was known to dribble a little cum in my shorts after wanking, but shit, I could run! I joined the cross-country track team and I loved it! Dr. Arnold said it kept me "lithe and svelte;" I think he meant it made my abs and ass firm and presentable.

The school year was definitely off to a great start! I loved high school! Darnell informed me they were going to have a baby sometime around Christmas or the first of the year. They were living with her folks and farming with them. It didn't take a math genius to figure out Darnell had been letting his fat, stiff bratwurst soak in the bun uncovered and juice all over long before they got married. I was happy for him; they were a great couple!

A couple of days after Darnell's good news, I came home from school, walked into the back door leading into Miss Harrison's apartment, as I always did to greet her, and saw her sitting at the kitchen table, tears in her eyes, a piece of paper in one hand and an envelope in the other. Immediately I assumed something had either happened to someone in her family or to Dr. Arnold, since he'd not been feeling well lately.

Slowly, hesitantly, I walked up to her, slipped my arm around her, and she signaled for me to pull a chair next to her and sit. Once I was seated, she turned to me saying, "Oh, Julian whatever are you going to do?"

Confused, puzzled look on my face, reacting to her statement, I opened my mouth to respond when she handed me the piece of paper in her hand. In my mother's scrawling handwriting the note read, "Miss Harrison, Thank you for your hospitality, but it's time for me to go. Take care of Julian for me. Elizabeth."

I choked a sob back in my throat, dreading opening the envelope Miss Harrison handed me next. It was addressed to me in Momma's handwriting and with trepidation I opened it and read, "Julian, Goodbye! Behave for Miss Harrison; she's a much better mother than me and better than I ever wanted to be. Momma."

The anguish trapped in my throat erupted, my sobs escaping in ragged, loud, gut-hurting, bursts. "She didn't even say `I love you,' leave an address, or even say `kiss my ass, kid;' she just walked out on me," I wailed to no one in particular! Unable to hold my head up, I leaned over on the table, placed my head on it, and cried, lamenting my loss of my mother. I knew, I just knew, she was gone forever from my life.

**

Pauley stopped reading, raised a finger to his lips indicating I should be quiet, and said, "Come on in Ben; I know you're out there."

Ben, head held low, eyes cast down, stepped in from the hall. Clad only in a pair of light blue, cotton, boxer briefs; the clingy kind, hugging his lower, almost hipless torso, outlining his soft member, dressed right, with his balls clearly settled in the crotch, giving me every indication of what was clothed in cotton, when uncovered would prove to be a fine example of an above average example of the human male sex organ, he coughed almost apologetically, but sadly it seemed.

Walking slowly toward the bed, head still down but peeking furtively in my direction, drawing closer, I observed the glistening droplets of moisture secreted from his eyes slowly descending each of the cheeks of his face. Motioning him closer to the bed, I patted it, next to where Pauley and I were semi-reclined, inviting him to join us. When he sat, sinking his light framed body onto the bed and pillow I propped up behind him, I pulled him next to me.

"What's the problem, Ben?" Thinking he might be homesick, but he'd already spent several days here, so perhaps I was wrong.

Ben's breathe halted momentarily, hiccoughing slightly, choking down emotion, before commenting. "I couldn't sleep, worrying if you really cared if I stayed here, Matt, or just said it because you wanted to please Uncle Paul since you two are – well, you know – a couple and you love him!"

"But that's not really what saddened you, was it, Ben – being concerned over me accepting you or whether or not you'd be interfering with our life, was it?"

"No, not really, although it was the reason I couldn't sleep, really! Coming down the hall to see if you guys were still awake, I heard Uncle Paul reading aloud, so I stopped outside your bedroom to listen to make certain I didn't interrupt anything, sort of. I really didn't mean to eavesdrop, but the story he was reading caught my attention and I couldn't help but stand there and listen. After I heard him mention Dr. Corsair's name, I figured it was about him. When he read how Dr. Corsair's mom just up and walked away without even saying goodbye, it made me so sad for him. What a bummer it must've been, no one to love him except people who weren't even related!"

Ben was just as sentimental and kind-hearted as his Uncle Paul I discovered at that moment, so I pulled him closer in a strong hug. "Of course I want you here. Yes, I do love your Uncle Paul so much my heart almost breaks every time he goes to work, but renews itself each time he comes home and blossoms like spring flowers when he holds me, kisses me, and tells me he loves me, but who wouldn't want such a handsome, sensitive young man such as you around the house besides?"

Hugging me back, I was confident he knew I just wasn't bullshitting him but speaking from my heart. How could I, left motherless and homeless and taken in by Dr. J. turn anyone away who sought our refuge and comfort? Ben snugged up against me and, thinking he might be chilly, pulled the comforter up around him. No way was I going to offer him warmth by crawling in with us, not in our naked state – nope, that wouldn't be wise!

Ben relaxed, evidently confident he could be part of this peculiar family. "Uncle Paul, you don't have to stop reading because I'm here, do you, or is it something personal that's none of my business?"

Ben's question was more of a request for his uncle to continue the story, but did give Pauley a way out if he needed it. Evidently, he did since he looked at me and questioned with his eyes, waiting for a response as he addressed his nephew's question.

"Ben, the journal is not mine; it wasn't written for me or to me, it was written by Dr. Corsair to Matt. He cared for Matt, mentored him, and left him every possession he'd accumulated over the years. The decision is Matt's to make and not mine."

Such a dilemma! Dr. J.'s journal was personal, it was important for me to understand him and what he wanted of me by writing all of this down. The journal was more than just a "here's what made me tick" story; I was becoming to believe it was a roadmap, leading me, through his writing, vicariously and then in reality, to a destination beyond my immediate sight and recognition. Julian Corsair's journal was loaded with homoerotic statements, renditions of homoerotic acts and sex play between adults, adults and young, and who knows what else! It probably would cause disgust or revulsion at the very least to the heterosexual who has little tolerance for diversity. Ben was sixteen years old, underage in most states to have access to this material, and jailbait for all providing materials of this nature to him. Although I am aware young people access this type of information regularly on the internet and know what Julian did forty or fifty years ago was still being done today.

The other reality of the situation was quite simple; I didn't know what would be revealed in the coming pages and I wasn't altogether certain I wanted the world, other than Pauley, knowing.

Ben solved my dilemma for me when he leaned over to me; "Matt, I'm like you and Uncle Paul. I didn't think I had anyone I could trust with my secret until now," and started to pull away. Rather than allow him to leave and perhaps be embarrassed, feel shame, or rejection I held him tight to me and said, "Pauley, please continue our story."

**

The reality of Momma's desertion of me clenched at my gut, whorled about in my mind, and twisted my heart. My shoulders continued to rack with my stomach-aching, heart-broken sobs so devastated was I. Lifting my head from the table, my anguished cry struggling to exit my throat, I finally screeched, "This fucking war; it took Geoffrey from me, took the Captain from me, drove us out of Milwaukee, and now that it's over, just when everything was going great, it just had to take some more- Momma!"

To her, yet she was gone and not within hearing, I shrieked, "Why, why, for God's sake, did you leave me?" beseeching the walls, the wind, the universe in general. "You never ever told me who my father was; if I have family anywhere else, and now, shit, you're gone!"

Miss Harrison, once I started to settle down, cradled my head against her breast, entreating me softly, "No, you're not alone, Julian; we have each other and somehow we'll make it through all of this."

I didn't know how, what little Momma contributed to our income was now gone and my source of income, other than the investments in chickens, pigs, and bonds, the soldiers, were gone as well. I wondered how long the livestock business, as I knew it, would continue as well. But, if Miss Harrison said it'd all work out, then it would; she hadn't steered me wrong yet and I doubted if she ever would.

The night was long, the dawn of another day not so welcome, and my future uncertain to say the least. School that day was more of a hazy nothing. I hadn't wished to go, but Miss Harrison said it'd help ease the pain. What did ease my pain was Darnell! He was waiting for me at home after school. I threw myself into the arms of my best friend who came post-hast when Miss Harrison called him. Darnell took me to my room, held me, let me cry, and stayed the night. I slept well, wrapped in the comfort of his arms. When he left in the morning to return to his wife and the farm, he'd given me hope and that's what I needed.

In the coming months, I'd need more than hope; I'd need the strength won on the streets of Milwaukee to go on.

To be continued:

***

Thank you for reading Julian Corsair– Chapter Sixteen -– "Not with a club, the heart is broken, nor with a stone – a whip so small you – could not see it..." (Dickenson)

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