Date: Mon, 28 May 2012 15:12:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: Tague Micheals <tag.michaels@yahoo.com>
Subject: Apollo Comes Out

Like many of my stories, this one took longer to get where I wanted it to
be. YES there will be another chapter, I've already started it. Be patient
but above all, N-joi the story so far.

Hugs,
Tag_m
~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~~~

Did I ever tell you that I have precognitive dreams? You know; the kind
where you dream something then it happens or you see what you dreamed about
sometime later. The time between the dream and it actually happening can be
anywhere from a day to months or even years. People call it deja vu and
they often say or think they've had it happen or seen it before but can't
remember. Often times it's because they dreamed it but don't remember
having had the dream.

I've had precognitive dreams since I was a boy although I was in my early
20's when I learned the term and what it meant. A huge light came on for me
in the psych 200 class when the topic came up in a discussion on Carl Jung
and his writings and theories on dreams.

Typically the entire dream doesn't actually happen but some part of it or
something tied to it in some way. I remember dreaming about motorcycles one
night. I didn't own one, I didn't know anyone who did, and I didn't have
any particular urge to own or ride one. What I'm saying is that there was
nothing going on in my life to set the stage for the dream as is sometimes
the case. Anyway, the next day was a clear sunny Saturday in April, one of
the first such days that spring. I decided to make a 100 mile drive to
visit with my great grandmother whom I hadn't seen in some time. On the
drive over and the drive home later I saw a ton of motorcycle groups out on
the highways; I mean at least a dozen groups as well as individual riders.

Sometimes someone pops up in a dream that I haven't thought about in ages,
years even, and then amazingly they show up in some part of my life, often
within a week. It's real weird. So it was with the boy.

Most of the dream doesn't make any sense at all and has no base in reality,
an experience that everybody reports having. It was a Saturday and I was at
a warehouse that my family owned and ran a business out of. Please
understand that there is nothing remotely true about that in my real life.
Anyway, a contractor and workman were there doing some work of some kind on
the building. I was out in the parking area doing god only knows what when
a troupe of 4 or 5 boys wandered over. I think one of them may have had a
skateboard or something. The oldest may have been around 13, the youngest
maybe 10 or 11, all cute boys and very open and friendly and engaging. They
came right over and chatted while milling about in the lot. The oldest boy
seemed tall for his perceived age. His dishwater blond hair was curly, worn
a little long and shaggy, the curls large and not nappy. His face was
completely smooth and more narrow at the jaw than his high cheekbones. His
huge eyes were a cornflower blue and seemed to take in everything.

At one point he was rubbing at a spot on his neck so I asked if there was a
problem and he said it was sore and he was rubbing it like a tight muscle
to relax it. I told him if he came into our office I'd rub it in a way that
I'd learned from a massage therapist. He said okay and we all tromped into
the warehouse and into the office. He sat in a chair and I did something to
his neck which seemed to relieve it.

The next thing I know that boy is standing there talking to me and is stark
naked. A couple of the other boys are naked as well and it's like no big
thing. Workmen are doing their job around us and nobody seems to care or
even notice that the boys are naked. I'm very impressed with the boys'
body. His pale body is thin almost to a point of being skinny. His boyhood
charms seem large to me for his age. His cock is a respectable size and one
of those that seems thinner at the base and thicker at the end. He's uncut
and his foreskin is back far enough that the tip of his cock head is
visible. His balls are completely smooth and like his cock the sac seems
narrower at the base and flares out to hold his eggs side by side and not
one lower than the other. It reminds me of pictures of nude Greek statues.
He's got a nice respectable patch of light hair at the base of his dick;
one that isn't even close to encroaching on the sharp creases of his pubic
bone.

Somewhere in the discussion he tells me that he just got out of treatment
for substance abuse which seemed very strange to me. I tell him I'm in
recovery as well and the boy hugs me but now he has a t-shirt on but still
no pants and I am thinking that I'd really like to drop to my knees and
suck the kid off. Then I woke up. Needless to say my dick was hard as a
rock.

That was the dream; now for the real life part. There is a small park a
couple blocks from my house where I take my dog every evening to run and
frolic about. I toss a ball for her which she will retrieve for me to throw
over and over again. Maddy is a Blue tick hound with more energy than any 5
dogs, or so it seems. She's smart as a whip and continues to learn new
tricks, eager to please her master. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a boy
enter the park but gave it no mind as Maddy generally requires my full
attention. A few minutes later I was aware that he had approached on my
right side from an angle that was outside my field of vision.

"Cute little dog. What kind is he?" His voice, not yet affected by the
maturation process, was still slightly high pitched. I turned and got
stopped in my tracks and I know that I stared for just a second. He looked
almost identical to the boy in my dream.

"It's she not a he and her name is Maddy. She's a Jack Russell terrier," I
said, my eyes never leaving his. The boys' face was completely smooth and
had no flaws or birthmarks that I could discern. His nose was slightly
broad at the nostril end, his huge eyes a slate color and framed by thick
dark blond brows and long thick eyelashes. His full lips were slightly red
and slightly wet as if he'd just taken a drink of something. His thick hair
was dishwater blonde and in curls or almost curls, just like the dream, and
hung almost to his eyes and just beyond his ear lobes. He was just simply
cute as all hell. And I fell immediately in love.

"Do you come here often," he asked. Maddy was waiting patiently at my feet
with the ball. I knew that she was dying to introduce herself to the
newcomer but she'd been trained not to approach strangers unless given
permission to do so.

"Everyday," I told him. "Maddy wants to meet you; do you mind?" He shook
his head and I released her. She was at his feet and sniffing before the
sound of my words died away. The boy got to his knees and allowed Maddy to
lick his face, giggling as she did so. My dog didn't usually do that so I
was a little surprised. I simply stood there and looked him over. His hair
really was kind of a mop. He was wearing a t-shirt, green plaid Bermuda
shorts that seemed to be the rage these days, and medium brown shoes,
skater shoes it looked like. When he stood up I asked if he lived close by
because I'd never seen him before.

"No," well, I do now. I just moved here to live with my grandmother. I was
living in Arizona." I nodded my head in understanding. I had worked with
kids before so figured there was a problem that preceded the move.

"Difficulty in Arizona," I asked in my most therapeutic voice. He nodded
his head readily.

"Yeah, I just got out of treatment and my mom thought that being away from
my friends would help me stay clean." I nodded my head again.

"I'm a friend of Bill W," I said and the boy's large eyes got larger.

"Really? Cool. How long?"

"Six years on the first of August."

"Wow. How did you do it? I can't even imagine 1 year let alone 6." I told
him I went to meetings got a sponsor worked the steps, and followed
directions then asked,

"What was your doc, your drug of choice?"

"DXM, Oxy's, a little heroin. Just about anything really." I shared that I
had been a garbage can addict in my younger years but had slowed down to
pot and alcohol before finally getting clean. He asked if I still went to
meetings and I said that I went once a week.

"Would you be willing to be my sponsor," he asked. "I don't know anybody; I
know I need to get one, and you seem like a nice enough guy." I pondered
that question for about 2 seconds.

"How about this. How about I be your temporary sponsor for right now. We'll
see how things go, get you to some meetings and maybe you'll find someone
else who better suits your needs. He said that would be great, at least it
was a start.

"What's your name," I asked him.

"Apollo." I thought that was very apt. I put my hand out.

"Conner," I told him. We continued to do the "get to know you" dance and
took turn tossing the ball for Maddy. I asked him if he was interested in
attending youth meetings and he shook his head.

"Not really. I'll go to them if you think there's a good one but I'm not
hung up with needing to be around a bunch of kids that don't have much more
clean time that I've got." I asked him about school and he said that he was
going to be doing home schooling as well as on line schooling. "I'm not
looking to isolate but I'm not looking to do the opposite either."  When I
asked him how he felt about 90 in 90 he shrugged his shoulders and said he
didn't have anything else to do and he seriously wanted to stay clean so he
could manage it.

We talked about his treatment experience. He'd spent 4 months in a facility
that dealt with mental health issues as well as substance abuse. "It was
hard. I cried my eyes out but I also learned a lot about Apollo, about who
I am and that no matter what I'm okay."

We talked a little longer, swapped phone numbers and parted ways but not
without a hug. When Apollo hugged me he did so with meaning, a genuine full
on hug without the typical back patting that guys typically do because
they're uncomfortable holding onto another male. We set a time for me to
pick him up for an NA meeting and to meet his grandmother on the following
day.  As Maddy and I walked back home I thought about Apollo and what had
just happened. I thought about the commitment that I'd just made. 90
meetings in 90 days which meant that in all likelihood I'd be tied up for
the next 3 months, not that I had anything else pressing in my life. As CFO
of an area wide chain of 14 grocery stores I was able to make my own hours
so typically went in to work by 6:30 or 7 and was done by 4. Although
Apollo had presented well I had no idea what the boys' overall personality
was like. In retrospect I needn't have worried.

I arrived at Apollo's house at 6:30 the following evening. A typical ranch
style home, the yard was trimmed and the flower garden that fronted the
home was neat and weeded. A 10 year old Camry sat in the driveway in front
of a closed garage. Apollo opened the door before I had a chance to knock
and welcomed me in. Like the outside, the inside of the home was neat and
clean, the furniture a mixed collection of functional stuff circa
1980's. An old upright piano sat in one corner of the living room with the
key cover opened and sheet music on the stand above it.

Apollo's grandmother had gotten up from the overstuffed chair she was
sitting in to greet me and insisted that I call her Rose. In her 70's Rose
appeared to be a modern grandmother; dressed in polyester pants and a blue
blouse of some kind. Her white hair was cut short into a rather pixie
looking style which seemed to fit her.

"Thank you so much for taking Apollo under your wing Conner," she said
after we did the introductions. "He really is a good boy he just got caught
up with the wrong crowd" she explained. Behind her and to the side Apollo
was rolling his eyes. We chatted a little longer then I explained that we
had a meeting to get to so stood up, shook her hand again, and we left.

"Wow, that's a nice old car," Apollo said as we headed to the street. "What
is it?" I explained that it was a completely stock, original '67 Dodge Dart
440 six pak. The car was a competition orange with black striping that
wrapped around the tail end from wheel well to wheel well.

"It had belonged to my dad and I got it when he passed away," I
explained. We climbed in and I fired the beast up. I let it idle for a good
30 seconds during which it shook gently, the deep rumble from the exhaust
music to my ears. I finally put my hand on the Hurst pistol grip 4-speed,
pushed it into first gear and pulled away from the curb. I resisted the
temptation to run the tach up then dump the clutch and instead took off at
a stately speed.

The AA meeting we went to had about a dozen and a half people all of whom
welcomed Apollo with the general enthusiasm of people in recovery. Since he
was a newcomer they made it a first step meeting and to a person they
shared that their using started about the same age as Apollo was
then. Needless to say more than a few cautioned the boy to stop now and not
waste so many years like they had.

Apollo and I went out for a soda afterwards and he seemed upbeat about how
things had gone and was looking forward to his next meeting.

"Are we going to do 90 in 90," Apollo asked and I put it back on him. His
response was that he'd like to if I was willing and I was. So that's the
path we started on. There were a few regulars that we hit every
week. Apollo decided which one he liked the most and that became our home
group, an important part of recovery. Other nights of the week we tried
other meetings, NA and AA both and once a week we went to a meeting out of
town, using my Hyundai Genesis instead of the Dart. I got Apollo started on
his first step. He had completed one in treatment but I requested that he
do it over and he did so but not without a little argument.

"Do you believe that the one you presented in treatment was as thorough as
it should have been?" Apollo's beautiful eyes went straight to the ground
and after a moment's pause he shook his head. "So then, the next one will
be?" I phrased it as a question intentionally. The boy sighed, looked up at
me and nodded his head.

We started spending more time together on the weekends. Sometimes it was
recovery oriented stuff and other times it was just plain hanging out. On
occasional Sundays we hung out at his grandmothers and generally as part of
a dinner invitation. We also spent time sightseeing around the area.

Apollo was the one who initiated physical contact although we had hugged as
part of the 12 step experience. It started as part of tossing a football in
the park and segued into an arm around the waist when the opportunity
presented itself. Typically my arm went around Apollo's shoulder which
caused the boy to snuggle up closer. Clearly he wanted and needed
affection.

We took our first weekend trip about 2 months into our friendship. I had a
Thursday and Friday conference that I needed to attend and since Apollo
hadn't gotten back into school due to it's being so close to the end of the
year, his grandmother allowed him to go with me. The place we would stay
was a destination resort that had plenty of things for kids to do including
a small indoor water park on the grounds. It was a 2 hour drive so we on
left Wednesday afternoon and were returning Sunday because there were
plenty of other things to do in the area.

I had booked my reservations for the conference months in advance and had
basically forgotten about it until it got there. Thus, after a 2 hour
drive, I checked in and a bell boy took us up to my suite. If the fact that
we would both be sleeping in a king sized bed didn't escape the bell hop's
attention he didn't give any outward sign. I tipped him and he left. Apollo
wandered around the large room while I was dealing with the bell hop and
when the door to the suite closed the boy came out of the bathroom.

"Gosh Conner did you see the shower," he asked excitedly. I hadn't so went
in to check it out. Erotic was a word that came to mind. The shower was all
glass with multiple heads mounted on the wall as well as an overhead rain
maker.

"Check this out," Apollo said and flicked a couple of switches and the room
went dark but the shower stall was bathed in a deep blue light. "Is that
sexy or what," the boy said.

"What do you know about sexy," I asked in a teasing manner. The cute young
thing didn't skip a beat.  "More than you'd think," he said, rather
haughtily I thought. In our discussion the topic of sex had been mostly
skirted around although it did get touched on briefly.

"Okay," I responded, "fair enough. There is the issue of sleeping
arrangements," I said, heading back into the bedroom. Before I could say
anything Apollo blurted out,

"It's okay Conner I won't molest you in your sleep." He shot me his
signature grin. "Seriously, I don't have a problem being in the same bed if
you don't."

I damn sure didn't. I was a boy lover, had been since I was a boy, not that
I was planning on doing anything with Apollo. But the fact remained that he
was about the cutest thing I'd seen in a long time and spending as much
time together as we had I'd grown quite fond of the kid. Would I do
anything with him if he initiated it? Probably. But he had to initiate it
and I had to be sure about his motivation. So yeah, I had no problem being
in the same bed with the hot young teen, no problem at all.

"Okay, it's a deal and I won't molest you in your sleep either," I
said. Again, the kid immediately responded with,

"Damn and I was hoping that you would. I even brought my sexy underwear and
everything." I couldn't be sure but I thought I actually detected a slight
bit of disappointment in the boys' still slightly high pitched voice.

"Did you bring a swim suit," I asked him. I had told him that he would need
one of he wanted to get in the pools or use the waterslides and things. He
grinned at me again, opened his bag and pulled out a somewhat skimpy yellow
Speedo.

"Just like you told me to. Did you bring one too?" I opened my bag and
hauled out my board shorts and held them up for him. Apollo gave me a weird
look then said, "Old guy shorts." Then he laughed.

"So, do you want to go down to the pool," I asked him and the boy nodded
his wavy blonde head. "Well you can use the bathroom first if you want."

"Naw, no need," he said and began to shove his sport shorts to the floor. I
could see that his underwear were included in that process. He grabbed his
Speedos and turned away from me slightly.  Because he was wearing an
oversized t-shirt his boyhood charms were completely hidden however I did
get a decent glimpse at his pale little butt cheek as he hunched over to
step one foot and then the other into his swim wear. I quickly shed my
jeans but kept my underwear on and began stepping into my board
short. Apollo had gotten his suit up and shoved a hand down the front to
arrange himself then watched as I pulled my board shorts up and momentarily
revealed the front of my bikini style briefs. And he definitely
looked. Little red flags started popping up in my brain and for the first
time I began to wonder.

"We'll get towels downstairs," I said. "They don't like us taking room
towels for the pools. We headed out the door and to the elevator, were the
only ones in it. Apollo leaned against the back wall which pulled his
t-shirt up a little bit and gave me a little glimpse at the bulge of his
balls. A nice bulge it was too. We got out of the elevator and walked down
the hallway to entrance to the "Water Works." An attendant checked my name
on the guest computer, gave us a couple of towels and told us to have
fun. I found an unoccupied table and 2 chairs and Apollo peeled off his
t-shirt and tossed it into one of the chairs. The kid a dynamite body for
an almost 14 year old boy.

The Speedos fit him like a glove and the tube of his cock was clearly
evident angling toward his left hip. His belly was totally flat and taut,
the creases of his hips deep enough that they created little valleys under
the waistband of the swim suit. As I stated before the bulge of his balls
was a nice respectable size.

"I'm gonna go on the slides, okay Conner?" I told him to have fun and
watched him walk away, his narrow little ass, held tightly by the swim
suit, swayed as he walked. I felt my dick pulse a little at the sight of
him. He stopped and turned and came back. I tried not to stare at his swim
suit but it was difficult. "Why don't you come with me Conner? Maybe we can
do some slides together or something." The idea of holding onto the boy was
very compelling indeed so I agreed. We grabbed our t-shirts and towels we
started toward the slides area. Walking side by side Apollo slipped his arm
around my waist and in response my arm went across his shoulders.

"You're warm," he said softly. I was getting hot. We ended up going one of
the slides 4 or 5 times in tandem with Apollo seated between my legs and my
arms wrapped around his belly and chest. The boy giggled all the way down
and wanted to do it again. I enjoyed the warmth of him in my arms, his arms
on my bare thighs and his back pressed into my chest. When we got out of
the pool at the bottom of the run Apollo went through the typical motions
of squeezing the excess water out of his suit. I did the same thing of
course and it seemed to me that Apollo paid attention to it while appearing
to be casual.

On the second trip down I sat in front and as we went through a little bump
in the trough Apollo's hand slipped down onto my crotch. While it appeared
casual, a response to the bumpy ride, I wasn't so sure. We spent a good 30
minutes on the slides and it was fun for me just seeing how much fun Apollo
was having. But it was also fun holding the boy against me as shot down to
slides. And of course each time we got out of the pool we went through the
process of squeezing out water.

We finally stopped and sat a couple of chairs and watched some of the
people having fun. I noticed Apollo paying close attention to another boy
that appeared to be close to his age or older. A husky, well built kid with
auburn hair it seemed as if the front of his board shorts was kind of
floppy and indication to me that the boy wasn't wearing underwear. Neither
the kid nor the floppy shorts escaped Apollo's attention and it seemed to
me that my boy was paying very close attention, which was confirmed a
moment later.

"I don't think that boy is wearing underwear," he said quietly, leaning
across the small gap between our chairs. I found it interesting that, not
only did he notice, he told me he noticed. I wasn't about to let that
opportunity pass.

"Yeah, I thought so too." Apollo gave me a look that said he was a little
surprised at me. I gave another surprise. "Good looking boy too," I
commented which earned me another look.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he responded then laughed. We both started to get
hungry so headed up to our suite.

"Do you want to shower first," I asked him.

"Doesn't matter to me either way. Hell, we can shower together if you want,
it's certainly big enough. Fuck, it's big enough to hold 6 people." He was
right of course. The shower was large and walled with 7 foot tall glass on
the 2 sides that weren't support walls. Actually the glass was 3 sided, the
2 long sides connected by a 2 foot section of glass so the room wasn't
square. There was about 18- to 20 inches of open space between the glass
and the ceiling.

"Well, I don't know about that. I'm not sure that would be appropriate
Apollo." His expression matched his next words which were,

"Fuck appropriate, it's just us guys; no big deal." I was tempted, sorely
tempted. The chance of not only seeing the boy naked but up close naked was
high on my list of wants.

"You go ahead, I'll shower after you." He said okay and went into the
bathroom but left the door wide open, which was significant. The door into
the bathroom was called a Barn Door and slid on railing attached to the
wall above the doorway. Since the entry into the bathroom was easily 3 feet
across it was open to much of the bedroom. In the bathroom Apollo
immediately dropped his swim suit. He was facing away from me so when he
bent down to shove the suit all the way off I got a glimpse of the
underside of his balls, which was quite a view, and of course when he stood
back up I was looking at his entire back. The kid had a terrific
ass. Slender, the glorious orbs moved out away from his lower back creating
a buffet that I wanted to bury my face in. He started toward the shower but
looked over his shoulder to see if I was watching, saw that I was, and
wiggled his butt at me. The grin on his face was ear to ear.

I tried to stay casual and uninterested but watched as he got the water
where he wanted it and stepped into the glassed in room. He adjusted the
heads on the wall then flipped the handle that caused the entire front of
his body to be drenched. As he started to turn around to soak his back I
averted my gaze. I was dying to see what he looked like but I didn't want
him to know that I was staring. Well that's not quite true. I did want him
to know I was interested but I didn't. I know you get it. I heard him call
out my name so turned to see what he wanted.

The door to the shower was a swinging door that opened in or out. He had it
pushed out and was leaning his head out. His lower body was turned so I
couldn't quite see his cock, but it was close.

"I forgot my shampoo Conner, could you get it for me. It's in my bag." I
went to his bag and opened it, saw the shampoo off to one side but also saw
a small stack of paper and recognized it as his 1st step. I thought that a
little curious but grabbed the shampoo and went into the bathroom. He had
the door opened still with his upper body sticking out. He reached out and
I handed him the bottle and in the process got a quick glimpse at his
crotch but since I wasn't really looking it was more of an impression than
anything else. I was somewhat impressed. I turned and left the boy to go
about his business.

I waited patiently, or not so much so, casting quick little glances to see
where he was at. The glass fogged a little and of course had water all over
it so when he did turn around to wash his front I couldn't see that much
and of course I was trying not to look in any case. What I could see was
some movement down there and that was about it. I also watched him reach
behind and wash his hole then pull one side open and used his fingers to
rinse it off.

The water finally turned off and so I stood and waited. Apollo pushed the
door open and stepped out, grabbing a bath towel off the rack and proceeded
to dry himself off but called out that the shower was mine. He was still
mostly faced away from me when I went into the bathroom. We slid past each
other, his back to me, and I was tempted to reach out and cup one of those
cheeks. Apollo moved into the more open space in the room while I dropped
my board shorts and stepped into the room. I was facing the shower when I
heard Apollo call out.

"Nice butt Conner." I turned to wet my back. Apollo was facing toward me
with his arms behind him dragging the towel back and forth across his
back. Separated by somewhat foggy glass, we were less than 5 feet
apart. Apollo made no attempt at averting his eyes but was looking almost
straight at my crotch which was okay because I was looking at his. Again,
because of the steam neither of us had a perfectly clear view but it was
enough that I could see his cock wagging back and forth as he dried himself
off. The kids' cock was respectable that was for sure. He appeared to be
maybe 6 or 7 inches long. The small patch of moss at the base of his
boyhood pride and joy was a dark brown but that was about all I could
tell. Oh, and the fact that it looked like he was uncut but I couldn't be
sure. I wasn't sure but it looked like the boy had a slight smile on his
smooth face.

I went about doing my thing, not really paying attention to what Apollo was
doing when I heard his voice right outside the shower door.

"Can I wear one of these robes Conner?" I had seen the two bathrobes folded
on a side table. I turned toward the door and saw him standing there facing
me in all his boyhood glory. Despite the steamed glass I could see that he
was in fact uncircumcised, that he did appear to be longer than 6 inches;
that he had a nice set of balls hanging underneath his cock and unless I
was mistaken, the boy had started to get hard because his cock wasn't fully
hanging. I turned enough so that Apollo could see me as well and he did
look.

"Sure, that's what they're for Apollo."  He said thanks and picked on up
and went about getting into it. He was facing away from so all I saw was
his butt however, as I said, he had a terrific butt. I finished and got out
and started the drying process and as if he could see through the walls
Apollo came into the bathroom while I was drying my back off and all but
stared at my crotch. I am a cut 8 inches with a healthy set of balls. I
keep my fuzz trimmed down to about the size of Apollo's patch and I keep my
balls as smooth as the day I was born. None of that was lost on Apollo.

"Dude, nice dick." With no pause at all he said that he'd brought his 1st
step with him and wondered if we could do it before we went to dinner. I
told him I was fine with that as long as he was. He said thanks and walked
out of the room but before he was out of sight I saw one hand go to the
front of his robe and squeeze. I finally decided, after putting together
all of the facts, that Apollo was interested. In exactly what, I wasn't
sure yet, but he was interested and that made my dick start to thicken.

Back in the bedroom proper, ensconced in my own robe, I plopped down in an
easy chair on the opposite side of a small table from Apollo who was
holding a sheath of paper. "Do you want a bottle of water before we start,"
I asked him and he nodded his head. I pulled 2 from the small fridge and
sat back down. "You ready to do this Apollo?" The boy took a deep breath
and exhaled it loud and long then nodded his head.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

For those who don't know, a 1st step is a written history of use or
behavior such as shopping, exercise, whatever your addiction is. There are
a couple of ways to do them but no matter which way it's done the person
shares about their first use and everything that happened after that that
was related to the addiction. The purpose is for a person to take a good
hard look at what their use has cost them, not just in monetary terms. It's
called a denial breaker in some circles. The method I used was a
chronological auto biography done in the first person starting with, "My
first use of... was at age..." and everything that followed; all
substances, all negative behaviors, all the costs emotionally, physically,
mentally and monetarily to the user and to the people around him. 1st steps
could be emotional as well so I took a deep breath, exhaled, and turned my
chair to face Apollo and he began.

I had heard plenty of 1st steps in treatment as well as with the people I
sponsored. Apollo's wasn't anything out of the ordinary until he got to the
sex. There is always some sex in a 1st step. Casual one night stands,
waking up next to someone you don't know or remember going home with,
prostitution by males and females, that sort of thing. And actually,
Apollo's wasn't really out of the ordinary, it was just that he was sharing
it with me. He said that he shared it with his counselor in treatment but
not in group.

"When I was 13 I had gotten loaded with a friend and offered to suck his
dick. I had never done it before to anyone. He let me do it but the next
day after we'd come down he had some guilt about it and didn't want to do
it again, in fact we never hung out together again. Another time, when I
had been drinking, I got approached by a college age guy at a coffee shop
that I'd heard about from a couple of friends. They had said that college
guys had tried to pick them up there. I guess it was kind of a gay
hangout. So I went, hoping that it would happen to me. It did and I let the
guy blow me in his car in the parking lot. He wanted to fuck me, and I
kinda wanted him to but I said no and left. Another time I was hanging
around the bathrooms at a city park hoping to see a boy or do something
with a boy. I'd had some drinks and a couple skittles, the DMX caps, so was
pretty buzzed up. I ended up in a bathroom stall with an 11 year old
boy. He stood next to me at the piss trough and I had my dick hanging out,
starting to get hard and he stared at it. When I asked if he wanted a
closer look he nodded his head. In the stall we both pushed our pants down
and played with each other's dicks. He didn't want to suck me but said I
could suck his so I did. Then I jacked off in front of him."

Apollo had a few tears rolling down his face during parts of the 1st step,
some while talking about the sex.  He shared 2 or 3 other episodes, all of
which he initiated. He said that he had to go to treatment because the
parents of a boy caught them in bed together. "Even though we were the same
age, the boy cried and said it was all my idea, which I guess it was, but
it didn't get reported or anything but they did talk to my mom. She knew
I'd been using because I came fucked up plenty of times. Once I feel asleep
at the dinner table cuz of the DMX. My mom said I needed to get drug
treatment so I did and here I am now." I didn't respond for a good minute
then asked,

"How are you feeling right now Apollo?" He was quiet for a moment.

"Can you hold me Conner? Can we lay down and you just hold me?" Of course I
could and I said so. We got on the bed and he melted into my arms, buried
his face in my shoulder. Apollo cried some more and I gently rubbed his
back, just letting him know that I was there and supported him. He finally
slowed down and turned his head so that he could breathe. He spoke quietly.

"In treatment my counselor said that the reasons I used were probably
because I was conflicted about my sexuality. She pointed out that the
sexual acting out only happened when I was loaded, which was true when I
looked back on it. I told her that I thought I might be gay and that I was
afraid. I didn't want to be gay. It was too hard and I didn't want to
disappoint my mom. By the time treatment was done I pretty much accepted
that I am gay and Carolyn convinced me I was okay. I can deal with being
gay and live with it or fight it my entire life but like Carolyn said, if I
did that I might keep on using which meant that I'd probably keep acting
out sexually and at some point I could find myself in serious trouble, even
jail maybe. It was my idea to move here, not my moms. I thought maybe I
could start being able to be my gay self, whatever the fuck that means,
since nobody knows me. I thought I might be able to start coming out to
people and now I have, I've come out to you."

"How does that feel for you Apollo, coming out, letting someone know that
you're gay?"

"It feels good Conner. I really wanted to tell you right up front but I was
scared, I still am. I like you a lot and I was afraid that you'd be
disappointed and wouldn't want to sponsor a gay boy or maybe even have
anything to do with one."

"I would never reject you Apollo, not for any reason."

"I kind of know that now." He was quiet for a moment then moved so that he
could look me in the eyes. "I have to be really honest with you Conner
otherwise I'll feel guilty and feel like a liar. I really wanted you to
take a shower with me. I wanted to see you naked, I wanted to see your
dick. And I wanted you to see mine, hoped that you'd want me, that you'd
want to be with me. I have since that first day I met you. Fuck Conner I
started to get a boner when I saw you in the shower.

"I hope you don't hate me or like me less but I really don't want to be
with another boy. I want to be with a grown man. I want to learn from
someone who knows what he's doing and not fumble around like boys do or try
to have sex in his bedroom and worry about a parent to come in. I want to
be loved by man and not a fickle boy who's likely to turn on me at the drop
of a hat, or another boy's pants. I said I really like you a lot but it's
more than that. I have a crush on you Conner. I can't help it but I do. I'm
so sorry. I don't expect you to be the man to teach me and If you feel like
you can't sponsor me because of that I'll understand." Tears were rolling
down his smooth cheeks again and my heart went out to the boy. I pulled
Apollo to me and held him tightly, rubbed his head this time and whispered
in his ear.

"I told you, I'm not going to reject you, I'm not going to hate you. I'm
honored that you think so highly of me as to give your body and soul to
me. I promise you here and now Apollo that I will do my best to never hurt
you, to treat you and love you as you deserve to be treated and loved. You
are the cutest most fun and exciting boy I've been around in some time. I
only hope that I can live up to your expectations and be the man that you
need and want me to be."

Apollo pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes with an expression of
confusion on his young face. I reached up and brushed the curls away from
his eyes then rubbed his cheek.

"It took me longer to come out Apollo, I was 18. I went through much of the
same stuff that you've gone through; the guilt and shame, the fear, the not
knowing who to talk to about it. Like you, it was part of the reason I got
into drugs and alcohol. I was drunker than hell when I had my first sexual
experience with guy when I was 17. He was a college boy. Like you, I was
afraid to make any moves on boys my age and the ones that I knew were gay
were flamers and had big mouths to boot. I was pretty much a jock I
couldn't have managed in my high school if my friends found out I was
queer. I went to the university book store to find my hook up. We were
together a couple of months and he taught me a lot about my sexuality and
what it means to be a gay boy. I still think about him." I raised my head
and kissed him every so softly on the lips.

"I'll be your lover, your boyfriend, whatever we choose to call it Apollo."

~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~~~		~~~~~~~~

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