Chapter 8
Urge's POV
Desire was in our living room. It was the night after he came over to give us news that his fiance Grayson was murdered. He had gone by himself to have Grayson cremated. He said that was what Grayson wanted. He dealt with the cops as well. They dealt with all their questions alone. He told them it was a break in or something. They believed him I guess. It hurt that he had to deal with all of that by himself. He hadn't asked anyone to go with him. He was crying. My heart went out to him. It was clear that he had no where else to go but come here. Desire was just crying so hard. Everyone seemed to be affected. I don't think anyone wanted to see him like that...me included...
“It's going to be OK, it'll be OK,” Craving was telling him.
Craving was better at this than I was. He was rubbing Desire on his back. He was comforting Desire. Love was on the other side of the room with his hands crossed. Allure was sitting not too far from Desire shaking her head.
“Who could have done it?” Love asked, “Who could have killed your fiance?”
“Can he have a moment?” Craving replied.
Craving was defending Desire. I wished it was me. I wished I knew how to be like that. I wasn't really the comforting type. I just stood across the room watching him. I was watching the man that I loved more than anything go through this and there was nothing that I could really do to help him.
I tried to open my mouth and say something encouraging but the only thing that came out was, “Yeah...”
I wanted to punch myself in the face. Was that the best I could do? Was that the most support that I could really show him. The others looked at me as though expecting me to do more. I was the one who was in love with Desire all these years. I was his first love. He was mine. I should have been able to provide better support than just one fucking word.
I hated myself at that moment. I hated the fact that I didn't know what to say.
Craving was patting Desire on his back, “Desire, it's OK. Remember I lost someone too back in the day. I lost a boyfriend too. I know the pain you are going through. I'm here for you man. I know the feeling you have. What does it feel like? It feels like walking down a dark hallway of hell. Doesn't it? The walls closing in around you. You feel like nothing matters. You feel like you'll never see the light at the other end. Is that how it feels?”
Desire raised his head, “How did you know?”
It was almost like Craving was reading his mind. I hated it. I should have been the one helping Desire like this. I wished I was able to communicate as well as Craving did. Instead I was just standing there. I looked so fucking awkward. I was trying not to cross my arms. I was trying to wrinkle my face like they did when they showed emotion.
It didn't work. I ended up just looking like I smelled something nasty.
“I been through the same thing. Grayson was a good guy. He was a really good guy for you. He was probably exactly the guy you needed. I'm sorry this happened to you.”
Grayson was the guy that Desire needed? Craving had looked at me hard when he said that. What the fuck did he mean by that? Craving was being shady or something. He had to be. He knew how I felt about Desire. He knew how it killed me to watch Desire crying like this and he opened his mouth to say some shit like that?
“I'm sorry to interrupt but we need to know what happened,” Allure stated, “Love is right. We need to know what assassin took out Grayson. Was it Envy?”
She was a bitch. She always was. Why wouldn't she even give Desire the time to mourn? He wasn't like the rest of us. He hadn't been living this assassin's life for the last six years. He had been living a normal life. She was acting like Desire shouldn't have had these kind of emotions. She needed to put herself in his shoes.
“Allure, what the fuck, really---” Craving started.
Damn. He beat me to it again. I should have been the one defending Desire. I was just standing there crossing my arms looking stupid as hell.
As soon as I caught myself with my arms crossed I uncrossed them again.
“It's OK,” Desire stated, “It wasn't Envy? Or his team.”
“Then who?” Love asked.
“It was Wrath.”
The room went quiet. I knew why. Wrath was my brother. The name was infamous in the Assembly even six years after anyone saw him. He had been addicted to Desire. It would have made sense to everyone that Wrath would do something like this. There was only one problem with that.
Wrath was supposed to be dead.
“You mean someone from Wrath's old team?” Allure asked.
“No. I mean Wrath.”
There was more of a pause. They were all looking at Desire as if he was crazy. Maybe they thought it was just stress on him that was making him say something like that. I looked in Desire's eyes though. I knew he meant what he was saying. He honestly believed every word of it.
It was Love who butted in, “Did you see him?”
“No.”
“I thought you fought him.”
“He was dressed in all black. Black hood. Black jeans. Black boots. Black scarf around his face. And he was fast. He was too fast. I couldn't see a thing.”
Allure was asking the question now that everyone else was probably thinking.
“Then how did you know it was him if you didn't see him?”
Desire shook his head, “I didn't have to. I could feel him. I fought him. It was Wrath.”
Allure was being her usual self using her brains to get to the bottom of this, “Desire...you and Urge killed Wrath in a struggle to get away from the Assembly six years ago. You remember that don't you?”
They all paused. They were all looking at Desire confused on why he would think something stupid like that. I could see Allure judging him even when he was crying like this. Love wasn't far behind her. Craving had stopped defending Desire. I wonder if he had given up or something like that.
“Not exactly...”
It was me who said that.
They all turned to me. They were staring with half confusion/ half horror. I knew what they were thinking. I had been very vague with what happened that day.
“What do you mean?” Love asked me, “What happened that day?”
I crossed my arms thinking back.
“There was a struggle. There was a fight. A gun went off. Wrath fell. I thought he was dead to be honest with you. I think we all did. However I took Desire to the train station so that he could run away. When I came back...no Wrath.”
“He just disappeared.”
“Yes. He vanished.”
“That's impossible. We have trackers. No one vanishes...”
“He did. Everyone believed I buried his body somewhere or did something with it, but I didn't touch it,” I admitted to everyone, “Wrath vanished that day...into thin air.”
You would have thought I was telling some horrible ghost story to a bunch of kids. Love was playing with his fingers. Allure was shaking her head finding a way to combat what I was saying. Craving was rubbing on Desire's back as though trying to brace Desire for this news.
Desire...Desire just stood there and stared at me.
It was the confirmation that he wanted all along.
He wanted the confirmation that Wrath was alive.
Instead of addressing it though Desire just got up taking his napkins with him, “I may need to lie down...”
“Are you OK?” Craving asked, “Desire, we'll protect you. You know that? Right? Tell him---go ahead. Hey guys, tell him we will protect. Guys. Everyone. If Wrath is alive, we can protect you...”
Craving was desperate. He was pulling at straws trying to show Desire that we had his back.
Desire was out of it. It was could have been have grievance or maybe relief of acceptance that he hadn't been going crazy. I wasn't sure what the emotion was that Desire was expressing right now. I was never really in touch with my emotions in the first place.
“OK,” Desire said with a voice that couldn't convince a toddler, “I just need to lay down. OK? I just need to lay down.”
I had never seen this side of Desire. I had never seen him so devastated. Grayson's murder hit him harder than a ton of bricks. He didn't know how to deal with it. He didn't know how to take it. I felt like shit. I just wanted to protect him.
“Wait so are you coming back with us now?” Allure asked, “I mean...you have no reason to stay now. Grayson's dead. That means you come back right...shit...too soon isn't it?”
I think by this moment everyone was grimacing at her. She didn't know when to shut the hell up.
Love grabbed Desire seeming way nicer to him than he had ever been, “Come on Desire, I'll show you a room that you can stay in.”
Love lead him upstairs. Even Love who clearly HATED Desire knew how to comfort him. Then there was me. I was the one who should have been there for him but instead I was standing there like some Roman fucking statue or something.
When Desire and Love had left the room things seemed even more awkward. No one knew what to say. I didn't know what to say. A part of me just wanted to follow behind Desire but I had the opportunity to take him to the open room if I wanted to. I let Love get that opportunity like an idiot.
“Is it true?”
I hadn't even noticed someone was talking to me until I saw Allure snap at me.
“Earth to Urge. I'm talking to you,” she stated snapping in front of my face, “Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“Is Wrath really alive?”
I shrugged, “I don't know. His body wasn't found. The moderators could have cleaned it up before I got to it. I never confirmed with my father or anyone for that matter.”
“Did Tom mourn him? I mean that's your father. He would mourn his son.”
“My father isn't exactly the ideal father, if you haven't noticed.”
“So you don't even know if he's alive?” Craving asked.
“What do you mean? I said I'm not sure.”
“No...you were making an inference if he's alive,” Craving replied sharply, “What the fuck? You were really sitting there making it seem to everyone that this guy was alive and you don't know for sure...”
Craving was coming at me. I didn't get it. The way he was looking at me was almost like he was upset or something like that. It was almost like he was mad. I told them what I knew about Wrath's death. I told them exactly what I remembered.
“You got a problem?”
“Hell fucking yeah I have problem,” Craving replied, “I got a problem that you decide to tell my best friend that the person who he is afraid of the most in this world is alive and could have possibly killed his fiance without having proof.”
“I guess it's just a mystery. Now huh?”
“Man fuck you.”
“No fuck you. You clearly have a crush on Desire,” I replied feeling this anger grow in me, “You always have. You always have been jealous of my relationship with Desire?”
“A crush? You're fucking losing it.”
“Say you never been attracted to Desire.”
“What...”
“Say it!”
I was losing my cool. I rarely ever lost my cool except when it came to Desire. There was something about that dude that just made me go off the handle. I guess maybe it was the fact that I was so in love with him.
I had to have been right though because Craving didn't give a straight up answer.
“I'm not going to dignify that stupidity with a response. Whatever you and Desire had was years ago. He was in love with Grayson. Guess who he's upstairs now crying over? Grayson. Guess whose death tore him apart? Grayson. You over here worried about Desire...man Desire ain't worried about you?”
I was pissed I was beyond pissed.
Allure stood between us, “Guys stop. Urge walk away.”
I started walking away and then I heard Craving call out after me, “You can never give Desire what he wants. You know that. He wants someone normal. He doesn't want some weirdo son of a psycho...”
I had tried to walk away. Instead I was going back at Craving. I was going back at him hard. All I felt was my hand drive into the side of his face. Craving attempted to grab me as soon as I punched him the first time.
I was too fast. I elbowed him in the side of his neck. He tumbled over clumsily. Craving came at me again trying to grab me by my neck. I dodged and kneed him in the stomach. The bigger they were the harder they fell.
Craving immediately picked up a lamp. Allure ran over to stop him but he pushed her out of the way. That's the stupid shit that he did when he got mad and couldn't beat someone one on one. He threw things using his strength to his advantage.
He started to cough up blood and he seemed to lose his wind.
I saw him coughing all of a sudden. The poison that Wrath's protege had left him with was invading his system faster. He didn't have that many days left.
“Ah. There it is. Blood. Pretty isn't it? Yes. Aren't you dying? Oh you are. Why don't you just hurry up and kick the bucket?” I asked feeling the anger boil up inside of me, “Save me the trouble of killing you one day.”
“OK, let's make a deal. I'll hurry and die. You hurry up and get over someone who will NEVER love you again.”
I couldn't take it anymore.
Allure looked me, “Walk away Urge.”
I started walking away.
Allure stopped me again and said something else. She said something very odd.
“You did the right thing.”
I walked away at that moment.
I was sitting outside. I needed time to cool off from the fight with Craving. I never got heated like that. I usually let shit roll off my back. Maybe I wasn't even mad at him. Maybe I was just upset that Desire was hurting. I hated seeing him hurt. I was tough and didn't show my emotions but they were there. They were there especially for him.
All I wanted to do was protect Desire. I wanted to be his knight in shining armor. The fact that his best friend, crush or not, was protecting him seemed inexcusable. It should have been me. It should have always have been me.
“Beautiful day isn't it?”
I turned around. It was Love. He was probably one of the last people I wanted to see right now. I sighed quickly as he walked outside and took a seat next to me on the bench. He was sitting way too close. Did this dude ever give up?
“I'm busy.”
I crossed my arms. I didn't know what he thought he was going to get out of this conversation. I didn't know how he thought that today's Urge would have been any different from the Urge that constantly ignored him all the time.
“Busy doing what? Breathing?” he asked looking around.
“Thinking.”
“That's OK. You thinking won't bother me,” he stated crossing his arms at that moment, “I can just sit out here and think with you.”
Fuck. He was so annoying. He literally never gave up. There was nothing I could say to him. There was nothing I could do to him to make him give up. I didn't want him. I wanted Desire. Why couldn't he get that through that thick brain of his.
“Look...I'm thinking about Desire...” I told him.
“I know. It's OK...”
I turned to Love. I was shocked that he actually said that. For the first time he seemed human. For the first time he seemed like he wasn't being this thirsty Latino dude with a over-erotic accent who would do anything to get me on his team.
“You know?” I asked honestly stunned by him.
“Look. I like you. I probably more than like you. And you know this.”
“Love...”
“Let me finish. OK. Desire is really depressed upstairs. We are all trying our best but no one can help him. I may be jealous that you care about him more than me, but I'm not heartless. I don't want to see him hurting. You need to go upstairs. You need to talk to him.”
Shit.
He was saying exactly the thing that I knew. I wondered if people were expecting me to talk to him. I knew I wanted to. Those kind of emotional things were easier said than done.
“I'm not good at that...mushy shit man...”
“You can shoot your way through a government building full of armed guards but one crying boy is too much for you to handle? You just want to wave the white flag or something?”
Love had a point.
I sighed, “Shit I'll take the armed guards any day.”
“You need to try. You know you want to. You have to try. If I am going to win you for me, I want to win fair and square. So I'll take my L for the night. You'll still be back---you sexy ass motherfucker...”
I smirked. It was so odd that at this moment he was giving me some sort of courage to face emotion. Emotion was the thing that I was afraid of the most.
I got up off the stool.
“How do I look?” I asked, “Should I go change clothes first or something?”
He laughed, “Desire really gets under your skin doesn't he?”
“You have no idea man...”
He continued to laugh, “Too cute. You look amazing. You are the perfect man no matter what you wore. Here, unbutton your shirt a little bit. Yeah like that. Show off them muscles. Desire and me have the same taste in men.”
I looked at myself. I had unbuttoned my shirt all the way down. My abs were showing. I had 8 of them including the real lower ones. I knew my body was on point. It wasn't a physical thing. I knew I was a very attractive guy. I knew people were really attracted to me. It wasn't why I was insecure. I was insecure because I didn't know how to relate to Desire. I didn't know how to express my emotions and I desperately wanted to for him.
“Is this too much? I feel like...I don't know. Too sexy.”
Love laughed, “You can't be too sexy, Urge. Trust me. You want to impress him...you're winning. Oh hold on. Let's sprinkle some water on you.”
Love did the oddest thing that that moment. He took the hose from the garden and sprinkled some water on me. It dripped down my abs and in my hair. Love was looking at me with the same horny eyes that he had. He started licking his lips at that moment.
“Love focus...would Desire really like all this?”
“Yes. I promise. OK. One more thing. Go to the garden. Pick a flower.”
“Which one.”
“You will know.”
I sighed shaking my head, “Man I'm not good at this...”
“Just pick one that makes you think about him. You'll know it when you see it. Give it to him and just, tell him how you feel.”
I nodded. It was so odd that I was taking advice from a guy who had the biggest crush on me but to be honest it wasn't awkward. Love was a top seducer. I could learn a lot from him. If he could teach me how to win Desire back I would do anything I could.
I walked to the garden. Love was smiling back at me from the bench. I looked around. There were so many flowers in the garden.
Red roses...no.
Pink Peonies...no.
White Daises...no.
Red Tulips...yes. Yes. This was it. I didn't know why I picked it. I didn't know what came over me but there was this urge. There was this desire. And it was the one I wanted to give to him.
“You think this is good?” I asked Love, “I mean it just...it feels right. I don't know...”
“You do know. It's amazing. Remember why you got it,” Love stated at that moment, “Remember why it reminded you of him and go upstairs. Tell him.”
The feeling built up in me. All these emotions that I felt towards Desire came back. All the years that I had missed him came back to me. The day that I had let him go came back to me. I had to get my Desire back. I had to get the love of my life back.
“Wish me luck.”
I started to walk into the house.
“Urge wait,” Love's voice trailed behind me. It was weak now. It was different from before. Was he...crying?
I turned back. Love wasn't showing his face. He was facing away from me.
“Are you OK?” I asked confused at why he was crying.
Love just nodded his head at that moment, “I just wanted...to...tell you. Desire is a lucky guy to have the affection of someone like you. And I hope he knows that.”
His voice was shaky. He seemed upset.
“Thank you.”
I didn't know what else to say. I felt kind of bad for him. I walked in the house thinking of Love a little bit. A part of me wished I could have given Love what he wanted. A part of me wished the just raw attraction I felt to him was something emotional. Maybe that would have been easier but I didn't want easy. I didn't want raw attraction.
I wanted Desire.
I wanted the complicated, head-spinning, heart breaking, tear jerking, corny, mushy type of love that I only felt for him.
I knocked on the Desire's door.
“Come in.”
His voice as low and deep. It made me so fucking nervous that I was shaking. The flower in my hand was literally shaking as I walked through the fucking door. I was such a punk for this. I was an assassin goddam it. I was a manly man. I couldn't let these fucking emotions get the best of me.
“Hey,” I stated.
I walked in to see Desire laying on the bed in the room. He had all these tissues next to the bed. Shit.
“Urge.”
He had stood up from the bed. He seemed shocked to see me there. He was so fucking beautiful. He had brown skin not too far off of my complexion. He had very defined looking features. You would never have thought he was as innocent as he was looking at him. He looked mean a little bit. His eyebrows arched almost like a cartoon villain. I liked it.
I liked that he looked a little mean even but you got to know him and you realized he was a sweetheart.
Once you realized how fragile he really was...all you wanted to do was to protect him.
“I just wanted to check in on you...and...um, I don't know,” I stated, “Um...I guess. I don't know. I guess...I just wanted to make sure. You know. I wanted to make sure. Well. I wanted to make sure you were OK. You know...”
I was tripping over my words. Love made this sound so much easier than it really was.
“Thank you. That means the world to me Urge. I...appreciate it.”
There was silence. I felt like an idiot. Who just said “Yeah”. I searched my brain thinking for what to say next. Nothing came to the front of my mind though. I wanted to tell him I was sorry that Grayson had to die. I wanted to tell him that I'm sorry he was in pain. I wanted to tell him that I was here for him.
Instead all I said was, “Yeah.”
God. I hated myself.
“Was that all? Was that all you wanted to say?” he asked me.
No. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell him that my life wasn't complete without him.
What kind of cornball was I though? What kind of guy tried to hit on someone the night after his fiance was murdered?
“Yeah.”
I said it again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was all that came out of my fucking mouth. I felt like a fucking.
“OK. Well goodnight.”
Fuck. I had ruined it.
“Goodnight,” I replied back.
I turned around and started to leave. I felt like shit. I couldn't even tell the man that I loved how I felt about him. I couldn't tell him that I loved him. I couldn't tell him that after six years nothing had changed. I had said it before. Why was now so different? Why was it so hard now?
“Urge.”
“Yeah?”
“What do you have in your hand?”
I had a second chance. I had a second chance! I couldn't fuck this up. I crossed the room. I was so fucking nervous. It was like meeting him for the first time all over again.
I handed him the flower, “I got it for you.”
“Seriously?”
He was shocked. He was beyond shocked. I knew he didn't expect some show of affection like that from me. He probably got flowers all the time from Grayson. That was Grayson's style. The only thing that I had ever given Desire was a fucking ninja knife. It wasn't the most romantic thing in the world. I was never good at the romantic.
But I remembered what Craving said. Desire needed that. Desire wanted that. And if I wanted to be with Desire than I had to be that for him.
“It reminded me of you,” I stated, “It is beautiful, like a rose, but a rose is way too common. You aren't a rose to me. You are something soft. You don't have the same thorns as a rose. When I pick you up, you don't prick me. But you are still as beautiful as any rose to me. A beauty without sacrifice. A love without pain. That's why I decided to pick the red tulip.”
Desire's mouth had dropped open.
It just hung there. Wide open.
He didn't even speak for a second.
Then he let out a low, short, “Whoa...”
I didn't know what that meant.
“Well good night.”
“Wait!” Desire stated.
I wasn't expecting what happened next. Desire pulled me in and he kissed me. He FUCKING kissed me. I felt my entire world just go turn white at that moment. I could have sworn the heavens opened and doves started chirping. I could have sworn that everything was right in the world. The skies were blue again. Desire's mouth was on mine.
And there was nothing I needed in my life than to sit there and kiss him.
My beauty without sacrifice. My love without pain.
“Goodnight,” I told him.
I could have ruined it. I could have ripped his clothes off. I could have made passionate love to him all night but a kiss was a enough. I was smiling from ear to ear. That was the difference with Desire and Love. With Desire a kiss was more than enough to send me over the edge. It was better than any orgasm I could ever have.
I walked out of the room in a daze.
My entire world lit up.
I had closed the door behind me. I walked to my room. All I could think about was the fact that I had kissed him. All I could think about was what this could mean for the future. My greatest regret in life was letting Desire get away from me. I hadn't gone a single day without thinking about him. Now he was back and now he...he KISSED ME.
Nothing could ruin this moment.
Almost nothing.
“Allure?” I asked.
She was in my room. Allure was digging through my closet. Fuck.
No. No. No.
“You know when Grayson died I kept thinking to myself, how could this have happened?” Allure stated, “Sure it would have made sense for Wrath to have come from his grave, but there were other things that came to mind as well.”
“Allure, don't.”
“I wouldn't blame anyone for doing something...desperate. Remember I said that to you earlier. The right thing was done.”
She knew...she knew...
“I don't know what you are talking about.”
“You don't? Because if you did I would understand. Because Desire had to leave. He has to come back with us. If not he would have been killed. You know what I mean, don't you?”
“You aren't making sense, Allure.”
“Oh I'm not.”
She found a bag. She started to dump the back that I had stored in the back of my closet on the floor. I had been careless. I had been so fucking careless and stupid. Emotion had made me that way. My emotion for Desire had made me wreck-less in hiding the bag.
“Allure...” I stated. My voice was weak.
I had been discovered.
“Look what I found in your closet. Black hood. Black jeans. Black boots. Black scarf to tie around your face. But understand, Urge. I wouldn't blame you for having these things. I wouldn't blame you for the bloodstains on these clothes. I wouldn't blame you if you did what you did to save him. You did do it. Didn't you, Urge?”
It was too late. I had to make it seem like Wrath did it. Desire needed to be afraid. I had done it for Desire. I had done it for his own good!
“Yes,” I admitted to her, “I killed Grayson...”
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