Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2012 01:42:51 -0400 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: being seen, pt 7 It was amazing at the change I realized even in myself as the two weeks with Ryan passed. I'd never really been that fond of children before. Oh, it wasn't that I didn't like kids or anything like that, but growing up an only child, especially growing up an only child in such a fucked up home as I did, can warp one's ideals and opinions of caring for children. But the more time I spent with Ryan the more enamored and eventually totally consumed by him I began to be. I found myself waking up in the morning with ideas of activities we could do throughout the day, or spending time pouring through the ancient cookbooks in the kitchen, trying to find something different for dinner I thought he'd enjoy. Then came that night when I awoke with a start to find the serene, most beautiful picture I'd ever seen. That particular day had been very tiring. Seth had had to go into town for some supplies, so Ryan and I had spent the day together. I found myself smiling upon reflection of the day's events, and just how much energy the tiny boy had. We'd taken a walk along the riverbank, raked another pile of leaves to jump and frolic in for several hours, and we'd even done a bit of fishing before his father had returned home. Ryan had again fallen asleep before dinner, only to wake us both late in the night "wanting supper." We'd taken him back to the small bed Grandma had sent down from the main house once she'd heard he was here, and after getting him back to sleep, had spent the evening curled up together under the blankets. Eventually we'd both drifted off to sleep, but as I said, I'd awoke with a start to what was a beautiful sight. The tiny boy had awakened some time during our own sleep and crawled onto the bed, snuggling himself within the safety and security of his sleeping father's arms. I allowed my body to turn ever so slightly to better take in the sight before me. Never had I felt so content as at that moment. It was as if I'd been given a second chance of having a family. We were a different family; there was no doubt of that, but as I felt the warmth that radiated from the tiny form between his father and myself, and as Seth unconsciously pulled both of us closer as he slept, I felt peace and true happiness. And so every night afterwards was spent in this manner, our tiny family snuggled safely together in the shelter of our home by the river. Indeed, by that Friday, as Seth helped Ryan climb into the truck and drove away, I found myself running into the bedroom and flailing myself onto the bed, crying almost hysterically. Finally Autumn was forced to yield its chilly grasp on the farm to the bitter winds and snow of winter. Even after fifteen years of living in the same place, I was ever amazed at, for the suffocating heat of summer, the bitter cold that set in most years. Thanksgiving came and went, Seth attempting to be jovial and jolly at dinner with myself and Grandma, but it was not until the first week of December that he truly began to act like his old self. I noticed a boyish grin spread across his face as I climbed in the truck one Friday evening after school, and couldn't help but chuckle slightly. "What's the dopy grin for?" His smile only broadened as he started the truck. "Well, it's Christmastime, isn't it?" "Yes it is." "Well, if we're gonna `be a family' as you put it, then a family needs a Christmas tree, right?" I sat in silence for a moment, my mind reeling in shock. In all my 16 years I'd never had the simple joy of a family Christmas tree. Most of my friends at school stared in blatant disbelief when I would inform them that my parents didn't take time for stuff like that. No, they were too busy fighting, even at Christmas, too busy seeing who could buy the better gift for me to best the other. Though material things aren't what make Christmas special, there were never any trees or lights, never any cookies baking, or cards on the mantle, never even any Christmas music playing or anything of that nature. Our big depressing house stayed ever the same, big, open, and lonely. The smile that broadened even further across Seth's face at my next question was priceless. "Where do we get one?" He smiled a wonderful, hearty smile as he reached across the cab and pulled me toward him, his lips making contact with mine for a moment. "Well, we'll get ours the old-fashioned way." I had no doubt of the fact that that evening I acted like a giddy child that should've been in kindergarten. Try as I may, and though my teeth chattered terribly as we fumbled through the forest, I couldn't stop giggling. Never had I been so excited over the holidays as that evening. Indeed my laughter was so contagious and joy-filled that Seth was forced to give in to its power as well, and finally we were forced to stop, Seth throwing down the saw and us completely isolated in the forest, and laugh uncontrollably. Seth was determined that our tree should be perfect. He searched for what seemed hours, comparing the shortest of southern pines to a cedar that I was sure would not have fit through the door. I found myself giggling as he mumbled to himself. "No, this one's not big enough...this one's too fat at the bottom...this one's too scraggly..." But finally he stopped still and pointed. "There, what do you think?" It was beautiful. I guessed the pine to be about eight feet tall or so, it's dense, long needles gently covered in a blanket of snow. Seth's chainsaw roared into action, and in no time we were dragging the tree back through the snow toward home. That evening brought an overwhelming mixture of emotions to us both. Most were wonderful, but a few were bittersweet. I hardly handled a single ornament (Seth had spent almost a whole week's pay on ornaments for our tree and a huge pile of decorations to be placed around the house, as well as a huge stack of LP`s to be played on the small stereo that sat on the mantle.) or lit a single candle that I wasn't reminded of the fact that I'd never done this, Christmas, before. Seth had his moments as well, but was ever cheered by the fact that in a few days he'd be spending Christmas with Ryan and me, our family whole once again. Songs of Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Ella Fitzgerald, and Gene Autry filled the house as we worked and sang together. The smell of sugar cookies Seth had prepared for baking while I was away at school wafted from the kitchen and mixed with the sweet, tangy odor of the pine that stood so stately in our tiny living room. Finally our work was done and we sat starry-eyed, gazing at the beauty before us. I was amazed at the transformation our little river house had taken on, all thanks to Seth's love and kindness. Hours of cold and wind were held at bay outside the door as we snuggled together on the sofa, warmed by the fire and the simple cheer our tree and decorations seemed to radiate throughout the house. But even throughout all the cheer and busy days that had transpired recently, a question had lingered in the back of my mind. "Seth?" "Mm-hm?" "Have you really dated a lot of other people before me?" Though I couldn't see his expression, I felt the sudden tensing of his muscles. Silence hung between us for an eternal moment. "Do you want the honest truth?" "Yes." "Yes."... "Yes what?" "Yes, I have dated some other guys." "But how many? Was it anyone I would know? Do they work here on the farm?" "No, no, and no." "What do you mean `no, no, and no?' Maybe that answer's two of the questions, but how many?" "Babe why is this so important to you?" Silence hung thick in the air again. Why was this so important to me? Seth was 26 years old, eleven years older than me. It wasn't as though I didn't suspect he'd been with other people. Hell, he had a son! That was proof enough that he'd been with someone. Why did it truly bother me so that he'd admitted he'd dated other guys?...When the answer did finally come, it swept over me in great waves, bringing tears with it. "Because I don't want to share you with anyone! Because I love you with all my heart, more than anyone on this earth, more than even my grandparents!" I turned to face him, realizing that tears streamed down his own cheeks. "Seth I love you, love you more than anything or anyone. I can't stand the thoughts of sharing you with anyone else, even if it has been in the past! I love you, I need you!" His voice was thick as he replied. "What about Ryan? You mean you aren't even willing to share me with him?" And then an even greater truth washed over me. "Seth you know I love Ryan...he's...I've come to think of him as my own son. I've missed him terribly since he left. That's what I want, I want us, not just you and Ryan or me and you, I want us, the three of us, a real family! It broke my heart when you had to take him back to his mother. I couldn`t bear to see him leave, and that`s what`s worried me...Seth please don`t leave me, ever, ever ,ever! I lost one of the only two people in my life who`ve ever given a damn about me a few months ago, and Grandma`s leaving me more ever day. I know she`s still physically healthy, but I see it more every time I spend the day with her. Her mind, her soul, it`s like it`s slipping away, like I`m losing her a little more every day. Oh Seth, I don`t think I could bare to lose you too! Please tell me you`ll stay with me." Two lithe, muscular arms pulled me into a crushing hug as two soft lips rained kisses down upon my forehead. "Never! Do you hear me? Never will I leave you, not until the day I die!" He pulled my own face to his. "Jesse, yes, I've dated a few other guys, just a few. Nothing serious ever came of it, and if it truly makes you feel better, the only reason I was not a virgin when you and were first intimate is named Ryan! I'm 26 years old, and until I met you, with the exception of Ryan's mother, I've never given myself to anyone. Jesse you, you alone, have me! You have my very soul wrapped around your fingers! I'd fight hell itself for you and Ryan! Jesse I love you, love you more than any words could express. You're not gonna lose me!" Sobs wracked through my body so violently that I could hardly speak. "Then what about Ryan? Seth I want him here with us!" Tears flowed down his soft cheeks. "Don't you think I want that too? I miss my son terribly, but I can't fight the court. Custody was granted to his mother. There's nothing I can do about that." The next few weeks were a flurry of activity. Between school, trying to keep up with all the latest achievements in the overhaul of the locomotive at the railway shops, and trying to keep an eye on Grandma, the weeks before Christmas flew by until finally it was but three days until Christmas day. Through all this I'd noticed a definite change in Grandma. There were always days when the Alzheimer's disease created a bit more of a bad temperament, but the last few days she'd been distant, short-spoken, even down-right unpleasant. Finally one evening she exploded as we sat sipping tea in the living room of the main house. "Why do people have to make such a big damn deal about this time of year! Why can't we just have some peace!" "Grandma!" "It's true. I've heard these songs and seen so many cards in that stupid mailbox that it makes me sick! Why can't I just..." Her rant was broken by sudden sobs. She sank into the back of the sofa, her frail body wracked with emotion. "Grandma, are you okay? Here, here, what's wrong?" Her pale blue eyes met with mine for a moment, her chin trembling. "Oh Jesse, I miss him so!" I nearly fell back, winded, at the realization of Grandma's heartache...Grandpa! Of course, this would be the first year she'd spend the holidays without him! And my heart broke for the frail lady who sat shivering into my shoulders. "Oh Grandma! I am so truly sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I've acted like an ass, talking about what Seth and I have been doing, and you've been missing Grandpa so!" And then an idea struck me. "Why don't you come down to the river house and spent Christmas with us?" Grandma stared at me like I'd grown an extra pair of ears. "Oh Jesse! Really! I've not been down to the river in years now. Imagine, me, at my age, going down there!" "I'm serious Gram, why not?! Come down and spend Christmas with us! Seth's son, Ryan, is coming back to spend the holidays with him, and he's planning to cook a big dinner. Please Gram, come spend Christmas with us!" Grandma stared at me a moment, her heart obviously conflicted. "Well, I don't know. Your grandfather and I spent almost 60 Christmases in this house together!" "Yes, but Gram, why sit here and make yourself miss him any more than you'll have to?! Please, come spend Christmas with us!" Finally she smiled, her eyes shining with a few more tears as she conceded, and so it was settled. The task of fitting two extra people, albeit two small extra people in the river house proved to be quite a chore. Grandma insisted that her own bed be brought from the main house down to the river house. Nothing short of a caravan made the trek down to the river, carrying bed frames, mattresses, blankets, and a trunk full of clothes. Seth laughed hysterically at "one little woman's big load of junk for a few days." Grandma, however, was adamant that each and every precious piece of cargo was necessary for the few days spent with us. And then there was Ryan. Though he'd met Grandma before and they'd gotten on wonderfully, having a rather pernickety elderly lady and a young lad with the energy of lightening proved to be quite a combination, but yet with all this chaos, the house had never seemed more alive. Grandma was forever giving Ryan sweets she pulled from her purse, much to the chagrin of Seth, and he was ever squealing in delight as she told him stories of `boogers and wompusses' that roamed the forests around the farm." Seth was elated. Between having his son so nearby and having me and Grandma with him as well, I have expected his chest to explode if he swelled any more. Finally came Christmas Eve. Though Grandma struggled a bit with keeping cheery spirits throughout the day, Ryan's simple youth and vitality brought her such joy. Indeed, more than once I heard her remark that "it was good to see young'uns again." Ryan was allowed to open one gift, a gift Grandma had had brought to her from town, before going to bed. His radiant face and cries of delight brought tears to every eye in the house as he unwrapped the box, but what popped out both surprised and shocked everyone in the house except Grandma. Though to this day I still do not know how Grandma kept the secret so well-hidden, and so silent, she laughed heartily when Ryan's eyes lit up and his arms squeezed the scruffy puppy that stuck his wet nose out the top of the box. "Grandma, how did you keep him quite?" She winked. "I had Jeb bring him down just a while ago. I knew I couldn't keep him quite for long." The rest of the evening was spent in howls of laughter as Ryan and the puppy played and squealed together. It seemed, finally, Ryan had found someone with as much energy as himself. Finally came bedtime, "so Santa could come." Never was such a sight to be beheld anywhere as the river house bedroom, removed of all other furniture, so that no less than three beds were, quite literally, crammed until they stood side by side, forming one seemingly endless bed, filled with two young men, a tiny boy, and an elderly lady. Christmas morning dawned cold and bright. I awoke to find Grandma sitting by the fireplace, having already lit the tree and placed Ryan's gifts around the bottom for his viewing. "Grandma what are you doing up so early?" She smiled. "I wanted to do something to try and help you and Seth with Ryan. I know it's not much, but there are some scrambled eggs and toast in the kitchen. I hope it's okay how I arranged his presents. I tried to remember how I fixed them for your father and you." Tears filled my eyes as she smiled at me. "Oh Grandma, I love you so. What did I ever do to deserved such wonderful grandparents as you and Grandpa?" She reached out and took my hand, pulling me into her lap. Though we both laughed at what must have been a hysterical sight, a 15 year old sitting in his elderly grandmother's lap, I felt such love and comfort from her tiny frame. "And I love you Baby. I'm only sorry that your grandfather isn't here. But Jesse I need to thank you, need to thank you and Seth both. You've been so kind to me these past few days. I know I'm a cantankerous old woman, set in my ways, but it's been so wonderful to be able to spend Christmas here with you. You've done everything possible to help me with grieving for your grandpa, and I love you so for it. That's why I want you to have this." A feeble hand reached around and placed a folded piece of paper into my hands. My hand shook and I struggled as I read the deed. "Grandma, I can't take this. Isn't it enough that you've already told me that I'm to inherit the farm when you're gone? I don't even want to think about that, let alone this, now!" Her wrinkled hands caressed my cheeks. "Baby we both know I don't have that much more life left. If I live ten or fifteen more years, then I'll count myself blessed for it, but I'm an old woman. I've lived my life. This deed is just what your grandfather and I planned it to be for almost 60 years. We never planned to be selfish with what we've worked for over the years. All along we had intentions of giving it to your father and you. Since your father's chosen to alienate himself from us, I have decided to give the farm and our estate fully to you now. Jesse, Baby, listen to me. This is what I want...I want you to have this! I can't do much for you now. Please, just let me do this one thing." A rustle in the bedroom told us both that Ryan and his puppy he'd already named Harley were stirring. Soon enough he came bounding into the living room, his eyes bright as any light on the tree at the sight before him. Seth came stumbling groggily out into the living room as well, half trying to smile as he yawned. "Merry Christmas everyone!" Toy after toy was unwrapped to great delight as Ryan dug his way through the pile of packages waiting for him under the tree that morning. After a quick breakfast of Grandma's eggs and toast we bathed and dressed for the day. As we were to find out, Grandma had one more surprise up her sleeve. We had all just finished putting away the shredded paper from Ryan's mountain of gifts when a noise outside caught our attention, a noise quite unexpected, the noise of jingle bells. Seth and I looked at each other in wonder, Ryan ran to the window and began jumping up and down as "horsies were coming," and Grandma's eyes twinkled. Jeb came pulling up in an ancient sleigh that had sat unused in the barn all my life. I stared in wonder at the beautiful two-seat sleigh, its worn leather seats now cleaned and shining in the morning sun, and two of the large Belgium draft horses used to work on the farm stood pawing the snow, ready to proceed. Both Seth's and my mouths hung open in shock as we stared at the beautiful sight, but it was Grandma's mockingly-stern voice that brought us to our senses. "Well, are we going riding or not!?!" It was like something from a beautiful card of movie. We road for hours in the snow. Ryan's elated shouts and cries echoed along the snow-covered fields of the farm. Seth shook his head in amazement. Even Grandma smiled once again as the bitter air swept across our faces as we went along. Indeed, we became so caught up in the moment, Jeb seeming to enjoy the occasion as much as any of the rest of us, even inviting Ryan up to "help him drive," that we almost forgot Christmas dinner. Finally we returned to the house, our bodies chilled to the bone and our cheeks tinged red, to await Christmas dinner. Seth bustled about in the kitchen for several hours, humming songs to himself. Grandma retired to the bedroom "for a little rest from too much excitement for an old woman," and even Ryan and I dozed a while on the sofa. Finally came dinner. After returning the horses to the stable, Jeb came stumbling in to join us. We all stared at the table in astonishment at the feast spread before us. A massive roast turkey, potatoes, green beans, sweet potato casserole, dressing, rolls, and cranberry sauce stood steaming and ready to eat. A southern red velvet cake, nothing short of worth a placement in a magazine, stood on the counter, just waiting to be sliced and enjoyed. I turned to Seth, my pride in him bubbling. "Hon, how in the world did you manage all this?" He smiled devilishly and shrugged. "I guess I'm just good in the kitchen!" But it was Grandma's dry reply that brought us all four into fits of laughter... "Yeah, you wish sonny boy...He used my recipes!" Gathering us together, Grandma took the opportunity to say her own thanksgiving. "I am so thankful for you all. Though you are not all related by blood, I feel each and every one of you are my family. I am thankful for Ryan, for who to me is another grandson I can love and cherish. I'm thankful for Jeb, for his many years of faithful service to our family, and for being such a wonderful friend. I'm thankful for Jesse, for the kindness and concern he's shown to his grumpy old grandmother! And I'm thankful for Seth, for showing such love and compassion to Jesse, for bringing a light back into his eyes that I had though extinguished. I'm so thankful that we are here together, alive and as well as we are. I pray many years for us all to be together, and that our lives are happy and loving together!"