Date: Mon, 3 May 2004 22:48:44 -0700 (PDT) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 14 gay male adult/youth Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 14 (Author's notes: The usual legal disclaimers including posting and copyrights...sorry this chapter took so long, been busy.) >From Tyler's perspective: It has been about ten hours since Gary had his cardiac episode. It scared the hell out of me. I thought I lost him. They revived him within five minutes, but it still was scary. Gary mother's arrived about 4 hours ago and is now resting at Mom and Dad's. I am standing next to Gary's bed. I haven't left him. Holding his hand, whispering, "I love you" every five minutes. It is after 11 P.M. and Gary and I have been alone for a while. I can't help myself, I have to reach under the sheets and touch him. My hand eases through the sheet, up, under his gown and I reach his cock. It has a plastic tube running out of his pee hole, but it feels nice to touch him there, hopefully he can feel it too. I leaned over and kissed his face again as I hold his cock in my hand. I let go of him and removed my hand. I took his hand in both of mine, as I look at it, I recall how this hand as caressed me, touched me and loved me. I brought up his hand and I kissed it. Suddenly I felt arms around me, it was Travis. "How are you doing, Tyler?" "I am doing okay. This is hard, Travis. To look at him so helpless and so vulnerable, and the hardest thing is that I can't help him." "Yes you can, Tyler. You can pray for him." "I do, Travis. I do." >From Jim's perspective: I have a new patient today. I have brought him into my office to begin our session. "Well, Joe, I am Dr. Haines. Would you tell me how you were referred to me? Joe was a good-looking young man. At 22 he is tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. He has the saddest eyes I have seen in awhile. "I am a Mormon and my bishop and I have been talking for awhile and he recommended I get profession help. He got your name from another bishop in town." "I see. What was it that has you so troubled, Joe?" Joe looked around the office some, apparently getting up the courage to tell me. "I have had trouble getting on with my life after my 2 year mission for the church." "I have worked with other young Mormon men who have had the same problem. Are you in school, Joe?" "No, I dropped out. I couldn't concentrate. My parents are getting inpatient with me. I don't know what I am suppose to do." "Do you feel that your mission was a successful mission, Joe?" "Yes, for the most part." "Was it an uneventful mission?" "I had 22 baptisms. I learned a lot about the church and I feel blessed for having served the mission." "Is 22 a high number these days for baptisms, Joe?" "In the area I was in, yes." "Where did you serve your mission, Joe?" "Jacksonville, Florida." "What makes Jacksonville a tough area to serve, Joe?" "The area is full of Southern Baptists. Just a tough area." "I see." I took the time to write some notes. The silence was comforting for me. I think unnerving for Joe. "What have you done since coming home?" "I went back to school. Found a job." "Did you have a girlfriend waiting for you to return?" "Yes." "How is that relationship going for you?" "We broke up." "The things you have been telling me don't sound too out of the norm, Joe." Joe looked at me, studying me, searching out my eyes. He seemed to contemplate whether he could trust me. "My bishop told me the same things. But, he knew I was troubled over what happened on my mission." "Something significant happen, Joe?" "Yes." I looked at him, waiting for him to tell me. His eyes searched the carpeting. Slowly, he raised his glance towards mine. "I had a companion commit suicide." >From Tyler's perspective: The doctor's prognosis wasn't positive. Only time would tell if Gary would survive. His mother has been to his bedside several times, holding his hand and talking to him. I usually leave her alone during these visits. Gary had told me how close he was to his mother. I gave her the space to be with him. Travis dragged me away this morning to take me back to my place so I could shower and sleep for a while. Travis crashed on the couch. I wanted to be with Gary all the time, but Travis advised that he thought that Gary would be upset if he saw me looking ragged from lack of sleep. The water felt awesome in the shower as it sailed down over my body. Though I missed Gary's presence in the shower as we always washed each other. Of course, we would do more than wash. When we would embrace under the water spray, I would always feel so complete, so secure. I had never had those feelings before and having been in a relationship with Gary has brought out new aware nesses for me. I had been so into myself, now it has been more about sharing one's life and love. It has only been a short time with Gary and I am not ready for it to end. Laying here in bed, trying to sleep, all I can do is smell Gary on the pillow and sheets. It's hard. I cried myself to sleep. Jim's perspective: Wow. That was one I hadn't expected to hear. I remained composed as not to disturb Joe's expectations of telling me. I watched him as the information sunk into me. He seemed composed and still relaxed. "Do you want to tell me about it, Joe?" "There isn't much to tell...he died." "Did you find him?" "Yes." "Joe, you are young. An event like this would have an effect on anyone." Joe looked away from me. He seemed to be fighting the urge to re-live it, but it looked like his resolve would fail him. "Did you and your Bishop talk about the suicide?" "Yes." "Do you and your Bishop discuss why it happened?" "No." "Why?" "Because I didn't want to." "Do you think it might help if you did?" "It wouldn't bring him back." "Don't you think you should go on living?" Joe thought about that for a while. I don't think he really liked the question. "I have been living." "There are several ways of living, Joe. Some live life to it's fullest potential. While others just walk through it, biding their time. Which are you doing Joe?" "Guess I am just walking through it." "Joe?" "Yeah." "Are you suicidal?" "Sometimes." "Do you blame yourself for your companions death?" "Yes." "Have you talked with anyone else about how you feel about his suicide?" "No." "Tell me about your companion." "What do you want to know?" "Everything you know." "Ahh." "His name was Brian Hopper. He was from Salt Lake City. He came from a very strict Mormon family. His Dad had been a Bishop and a Stake President. His older brothers had all served missions. He idolized his oldest brother who had already graduated from BYU, married and had a family. He knew he was following the footsteps laid out by his father and mother as was directed by the family code that they lived by. In his family, being Mormon IS the lifestyle." "Did he feel over whelmed by the pressure?" "I think so." "A lot of Mormon families live by the established fashion of 'living the faith' to it's extreme." "I know." "Was he feeling inadequate in following those footsteps?" "I believe he did." "Did he discuss this with you?" "Yes." "Was he happy on his mission?" "Yes." "Was he happy with you as a companion?" "Yes." "The two of you became 'best friends'?" "Yes." "Joe, how did you find him?" "He was outside, hanging from the balcony of our pit (apartment)." "Did he leave a note?" "Yes." "Did you read it before you found him?" "Yes." "Did you show the note to anyone? The police or his family?" "No." "Why?" "It was for me." "What did you do when you found him?" "I went down the steps and kneeled before his body and broke down." "Have you cried since?" "Yes." "How long before you called someone?" "I didn't. We were to have a meeting with our district leader that morning. The district leader and his companion found us. The pit entrance was in an alley. No one could see us from the street." "Do you remember what happened after that?" "Some things." "Like?" "The police coming and the ambulance. I was questioned. I was crying and being held by my district leader. The mission president arrived. Everyone asked about a note. I never gave it up. They helped me pack as they moved me to the mission home. I guess they brought a doctor in who gave me something to help me sleep. Then I was sent home." "What about the note, where was it?" "In the pouch of my garments." "Where is the note now?" Joe looked around the room. He seemed unsure of himself, maybe a little nervous. Then slowly he reached into his front pants pocket and brought the papers. He stared at the note. "Is that the note, Joe?" "Yes." He said clutching the note. "How many pages are there Joe?" "A few." "Has anyone else besides me seen the note." "No." "May I read the note, Joe?" Joe continued to clutch the note. His knuckles almost looked white. "Joe, what is revealed in the note effects your life doesn't it?" "Yes." "I don't judge, Joe. I help by understanding and find a way to help may things easier to live with." Joe slowly got up. He stood for a moment before walking towards me. He handed me the note. I reached for the note. It took him a few moments to release the note. Then, he turned and sat down again, staring at the floor. Joe began to quietly sob. I looked at the note. It was folded. I unfolded it. There were two pages. I began to read the note. When I finished, I looked at Joe. His eyes were locked on mine. I now knew everything he had been tortured with for the past 2 years. I saw tears running down his cheeks. "Joe, no one ever suspected?" "No." "Joe, have you carried this note with you all this time?" "Yes." I folded the note and walked over and handed it back to him. The note represented a time in his life that he never wanted to forget, but the pain associated with it seemed a lot for him to bear. "I can help you." "Please." He said as he embraced me and broke down. >From Tyler's perspective: Travis and I got back to the hospital. Gary remained stable as the doctors fed him every known antibiotic. His blood pressure had begun to rise, but it wasn't normal yet. I prayed over him. I knew I couldn't lose him now. I lost him once, not again.