Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 23:19:20 -0700 (PDT) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 15 gay/male adult/youth Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 15 (Author's notes: The usual legal disclaimers apply. I am considering a Yahoo group for this story. Please email me if that's a good idea.) >From Jim's perspective: "Hi Joe, come on in." "Hi Doctor." Joe followed me to my office and sat down at my end of the couch. It had only been two days since I last time I saw Joe. It had been our first meeting. "How did you sleep the last two nights Joe?" "About the same. All I do is think of about Brian." "Tell me the story of how you two ended up companions and how was working with him?" "I was transferred into Brian's area. I was his senior companion. We both knew the next transfer Brian would become a senior. We followed our routines each day. Brian would insist on a hug each night following our prayers and updating our journals, just before bed." "Did you feel uncomfortable with the hugs, Joe?" "No, not at all, it was nice. About a month after we were together and neither of us were transferred, the hugs started to last longer. I didn't really mind. I figured he just felt lonely and home sick for his family." "How did you feel about Brian at this time?" "I enjoyed being with Brian, we clicked and our lessons with the investigators (people studying the Mormon faith leading to baptism) were so much easier to do and the investigators always seemed to respond better with us." "Was there a moment when it seemed to change for you with Brian?" Joe closed his eyes and nodded his head. "Joe, tell me about that." Joe opened his eyes, there were moist. "Brian was hugging me one night, except he wouldn't let go. I asked him if he was okay. He said yes. Then he started kissing my neck. I didn't move. It was such a shock at first. I said, 'Elder, what are you doing?' he said he was giving me comfort." "Did you try and pull away from him?" "No," he said shaking his head. "I didn't. I wasn't repulsed or even angry with him. I let him keep kissing me. I guess he took my lack of retreat as a sign to move on. He brought his lips to mine and kissed me. The kiss was long and wonderful. I had never felt anything like it. He was the first guy I had ever kissed." "Had you ever had feelings towards another guy before?" Joe looked at me, he looked sad. "Yes, but I always dismissed it. I had a girlfriend and I felt like I was straight." "What happened after the kiss?" "We were both standing there in our garments (underwear), I realized I...was excited. Brian reached down and put his hand on me, down there. Brian said 'I think you like that'. I looked down at his garments and they were tented. I told him that he too seemed to like it. Brian looked down at himself and looked back up at me with a big smile. I asked Brian if he was gay and he said no, he just liked to play. He asked me if I was gay and I told him I wasn't. Brian started to gently squeeze me. No one had ever touched me there before. Brian took my hand and put it on him. I started to squeeze him like he was doing to me. I was a little nervous. Brian then slipped his hand through the garment opening and grabbed me. It nearly took my breath away. He pulled me out and began to slowly stroke me. " "Joe, were you active with masturbation prior to your mission?" "Oh yes. Despite all that the church teaches, I just couldn't stop doing that." "Okay, so Brian has literally come on to you. Did you at any time feel the urge to punch him like it is recommended when such a thing happens?" "No. I cared about Brian as a friend. I trusted him. I felt we would be best friends after our missions. I wasn't repulsed. I wasn't offended. I really didn't know why I didn't feel anything other than closeness with him at that time." "Did it go any further that night?" "Yes. We took off our garments and lay in bed together just touching and stroking each other. Brian and I kissed and stroked each other to climax that night. We slept in each other's arms. " "It sounds pretty romantic, Joe. How did you feel about yourself in the morning?" "I still believed I wasn't gay. This was just a one-time thing I thought. I felt no guilt even though I knew it was wrong. Brian and I woke up the next morning, we both felt good about what had happened. We took our shower together and all day I was on a natural high, everything seemed so right." "Did it turn out to be a one-time experience?" "No." "What happened then?" "We had a long talk that night. We agreed that no one would ever know about what we were doing. We couldn't write about it in our journals. We had established that we would remove our garments and be naked while in our pit. We ate naked, we prayed naked, we slept naked." "Did the sexual activity go beyond the touching?" "Yes. The second night, Brian went down and took me into his mouth. I did the same for him. From that point on, we made love to each other. I still didn't believe I was gay, just loving a person, something I had never done before. I still didn't feel like I was committing any sins, but I still knew it was wrong. We became very close." Joe looked away from me, as it obviously was painful for him to relive it. "Joe, did you fall in love with Brian?" "I don't know, I felt like I loved him. I don't know what 'falling in love is' unless that was it." "You hid the note to protect you or Brian?" "Both, I guess." "Brian hurt you pretty bad didn't he?" Joe thought about that one for a while. He looked at me, his eyes were small and seemed lost. "Do you think Brian hurt me, doctor?" "In the note, Brian said he fell in love with you Joe." "Yes, he did." "So, instead of facing the world he knew, he choose to die rather than share it with you." Joe eyes watered with tears. "Yes, he did. He left me, alone, to face the world without him. Is this what a broken heart feels like?" I looked at him. The pain was written all over his face. Joe already knew this was the first time he had ever expressed it. "Joe, I think you have a lot of pain in your heart for Brian, I also think you have a lot of anger towards him too." Joe buried his face into his hands and cried. "Joe, do you have the note with you?" "Yes." "Take it out and read it to me." "I don't know if I can." "I think you can do it." Joe wiped the tears from his eyes. He reached into his pocket and took out the note. He unfolded it and looked at it. He held the note in his lap, looking down; he seemed to reading it silently. "Joe, please read it aloud." "I have to do this, don't I?" "Yes, you do." Joe looked down at the paper and said, "Okay." My dear Joe, I love you. Never forget that. What we have Was wonderful. I looked into your eyes and Saw that you loved me too. As I look upon beautiful and realized how deep my Feelings truly are. I have come to realize that I must be gay to have fallen in love with you. I cannot be gay. I cannot live my life as a gay man; it is against everything my family and I believe. I have sinned in the eyes of God and man. Since I am a homosexual, something, I might have suspected, but did not realize the full scope of it until I met you, I cannot live with this as my father once said that any man who is homosexual should end his life rather than live in sin. I am sorry for having brought you into this. I am sorry for leaving you alone to deal with this. Joe, you are the most loving per- son I have ever met. Find someone who isn't such a coward. Brian Joe finished by folding the paper up. He slipped it back into his pocket. "How long are going to carry the note with you, Joe?" "It is all I have left of him. I wasn't allowed any of his things when they packed his personal belongings. I wanted to read his journal, but I wasn't allowed. They put his stuff in boxes and sent it to his family." "Joe, do you blame yourself for what Brian did?" Joe contemplated that question. Barely in a whisper, Joe said, "Yes." "Joe, it really isn't your fault. Brian made choices all his life. His playing around with other guys, his coming onto you, his falling in love with you, his death...all his choices. It is all Brian's fault, not yours." "If he hadn't fallen in love with me, he would be alive today." "No, Joe, the way Brian was going, it would have happened when he did eventually acknowledge to himself that he was homosexual." Joe wiped the tears from eyes. "Joe, do you think you are homosexual?" "I don't know." "Is that why you broke up with your girlfriend?" "Yes." "Were you two supposed to marry when you got back from your mission?" "Yes." "You are unsure of your sexuality, aren't you?" "I have loved another man, I had sex with another man. We did everything sexual, including anal, doctor. I was so afraid of them doing an autopsy and finding his rectum sore and red. I didn't want to be found out." "I am sure that they did do an autopsy." Joe's eyes got big with the realization that it was probably documented. "Joe, his family has no idea at this point and time why he killed himself?" "No." "If they read the autopsy, they will know he had been sexual active, probably with you." "Oh God." Joe seemed to collapse unto himself. "Joe, no one here knows that you were sexual with your companion. In my conversation with your Bishop, he made no reference to your mission other than the death of your companion." "But his family might know. I feel guilty about not telling them what happened." "There is always the idea of making things right for them, but the pain you might cause them could be worse as his father might realize what he said became a reality." "What should I do doctor?" "That is up to you, Joe. Have you prayed about it?" "Yes, I pray about it all the time. I pray for Brian." Joe closed his eyes and said to me, "I still love him." "It is okay to love him Joe." "It is?" "Yes, loving Brian honors what you two shared as lovers. "Will the pain go away?" "Yes, it will. With time." "I think I will be afraid to love someone again." "That feeling would be natural after what you have been through. " Joe nodded his head; I think he was hoping to believe me. "Joe, I would like to see weekly for a while." "Do I have to tell my bishop what we talked about?" "No." "Okay." Later, when I got home to Rick, I put my arms around him and hugged him for a long time. "Are you okay, Jim?" Rick asked. I pulled back and looked at his face and said, "I am so glad you are with me." "Tough case with a patient?" "Yes." "Want to tell me about it?" "It was the young man whose missionary companion committed suicide." "There were lovers?" "Yes." "That's sucks." "I know." I kissed him full on the lips. "Rick, take me now and make love to me." "Yes, baby." >From Jamie's perspective: I was lying in Steve's arms. My hand was grazing upon his chest and down to his pubic hair. I loved touching Steve. I reached for his cock and started a nice slow stroke. "Jamie, you really like that cock of mine, don't you?" "Yes, I love the feel of it, the way it tastes and the way it feels inside me." "You love that cock more than me don't you?" "No, I love you and your cock." "I like your cock too, Jamie. In fact, I want to suck it again." "Okay." So we positioned ourselves for some nice sixty-nine. I took Steve's cock down to his pubes and slowly withdrew using my tongue on the bottom of his cock. Then I licked his gland like some melting ice cream cone. I literally slobbered all over it. Steve moaned his pleasure. I felt Steve tease my foreskin and slide his tongue under it and swirled around the gland. I love when he does that. Steve than started to suck with such vigor I thought he going to suck the gland right off my dick. I worked on his gland while stroking his cock with my hand, pumping him. I felt my cum stirring and I knew it would be a strong one as I released a current of cum that flooded his mouth. Steve came almost as quickly by flooding my mouth with his cum. Steve and I swung around and started making out with each other. We were so into it. Lost in each other's arms, kisses and cock stroking. "Oh my dear god!!!!" I looked up to see Steve's mother standing in the doorway of his bedroom. >From Tyler's perspective: Gary is still in his drug-induced coma. Travis won't let me stay for more than 8 hours without dragging me back to my apartment to rest and clean up. The doctors tell his mother and me that he is stable. I run my hand across his face, the stubble is turning into a beard. I might like it. I talk to him, tell him how much I love him. I pray he hears me. The end of Chapter 15