Date: Thu, 7 Oct 2004 10:59:49 -0700 (PDT) From: Joseph Smith Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 17 adult/youth (Author's notes: The usual disclaimers, warnings and ownership of this story. I failed to properly proof read Chapter 16 and inadvertently used the wrong name for Joan, Steve's mother by referring to her as Sara, who is Jamie's mother. Confused? A nice reader advised me of the errors of my way. I promise to do better.) From Jim's perspective: I woke the next morning in Rick's arms. I always feel like I am in heaven when I am in his arms. I glanced at the clock and it read 9:22 a.m. The sudden urge to urinate hit me hard. So I gently moved my way from Rick. He just rolled over and stayed asleep. Rick wore himself out last night making love to me. I relieved myself. I checked into the hallway to see if Jamie and Steve were up. The door was closed. I headed back to Rick when my cell phone went off letting me know I had voicemail. "Rick, get up Rick." Rick stirred and I sat down on the bed next to him. "I need you Rick, come on wake up." "Okay, okay, I'm waking up." "Rick, I need you to come with me to the hospital. Come on, let's shower and get ready." "Okay, okay, I'm moving. I'm moving." Rick finally fought through the grogginess. "What's going on? Something wrong with the boys?" "No, I think the boys are just fine." We moved into the shower together. I grabbed Rick and hugged him tightly. "I hate when this happens, Rick." "What's up Jim?" "I have a patient in the hospital who tried to commit suicide." Rick held me tightly too. He knows how this hurts when this happens. "Who was it, Jim?" "His name is Joe. Damn it, he told me he thought about suicide but he said he wasn't suicidal. "Jim, you can't be with every patient 24/7." "I know, I know. I just need you to be there for me." "I know. I will." We silently completed our shower and drove to the hospital. The same one Travis was at with Gary. Joe was in intensive care. Outside his room was a couple I assumed was Joe's parents. "Hello, are you Joe's parents?" The woman looked up at me and said, "Yes." "Hello, Mrs. Smith, I am Dr. Haines, Joe's therapist." Mrs. Smith just nodded her head. "I am Joe's Bishop, Dr. Haines", said the man with Mrs. Smith. We shook hands and I sat down with them. "Mrs. Smith, can you tell me what happened?" Joe's mother was a nice looking woman. Her eyes were soft and obviously pained. "Joe was in his room, I called him for dinner and he didn't come out of his room. I hadn't seen him since after lunch. He has been so moody lately, but staying in his room for hours was not unusual." The Bishop had placed his arm around Joe's mother. She wiped her eyes. "When he didn't come down for dinner, I went back to his room. It was locked, his father opened the door and we found him on the bed. He was naked, except for the notes he left in an envelope on his chest." The poor woman was struggling with this, and understandably. "My husband found his breathing was very shallow and covered him with a blanket. He grabbed the phone and called 911. The paramedics and the police arrived. The police grabbed the envelope and we followed the ambulance here. They tried to pump his stomach, but he had digested most of the pills." She took a deep breath. "He is in a coma." "Where is your husband, Mrs. Smith?" "He left after he and I read the suicide notes." "Do you have the notes?" "Yes." "May I see them?" She looked over to the bishop and he nodded his head yes. Reaching into her purse, she removed an envelope and handed it to me. "I am going to the waiting room to read these and come back." I didn't want her to watch me read the notes. I walked out to the waiting room where Rick was and sat down next to him. I looked at him and said, "his suicide notes." Rick nodded and let me to myself as I removed the sheets of paper. I opened the first one and it was his missionary companion's suicide note to Joe. I put it back into the envelope and opened the Joe's note. It read as follows: Mom and Dad, I am not the son you thought I was. You will find another note in this envelope from Brian, my missionary companion. It tells the truth as to why he died. I have made the decision to follow him. I love him. I miss him. I am so lonely for him. I am mad at him for leaving me the way he did. I can't go on without him. I need to be with him on the other side of veil. My doctor was trying to help me accept my sexual orientation and deal with the grief, guilt and depression I was feeling about Brian's death and encouraged me to move on with my life. I can't. I don't feel worthy enough to be to remain in my garments. You, see, I know that suicide and homosexuality are sins and not accepted by the church or in the eyes of Heavenly Father. I am sorry Mom and Dad for putting you through this. Love, Joe. I folded the note and placed inside the envelope. I always feel an incredible sadness with these types of situations. I laid my head down on Rick's shoulder. He knows how this affects me. I wouldn't consider letting Rick read the notes, but he knew. He always knows. I had to compose myself before I headed back to Mrs. Smith. After about 15 minutes I walked down the hall. I found Mrs. Smith and her Bishop in the room with Joe. Joe had tubes running everywhere. I touched Mrs. Smith's arm and handed her back the envelopes. "Can I talk to you Dr. Haines?" the Bishop asked. "Sure, let's go to the doctor's lounge." He nodded and followed me. We each got a bottle water and sat down. "Doctor, I haven't had a tragedy like this happen since I was called as Bishop 3 months ago, so it is still sort of new to me." "I understand Bishop. I was raised Mormon, so I know how it goes." "Okay, but this is really sad and I really don't know how to comfort this family." "I know. I deal with these types of things and it is never easy. I look upon Joe's mother and she is so lost and I am glad you are here with her, Bishop." I took a swig of water and he did to. "I know this is shock to his parents, the suicide attempt and the homosexuality. It is going to be tough on them and if Joe survives, how they will respond to them. I am sure Bishop Green told you that I specialize in working with young LDS men and their families dealing with sexual orientation. Houston, as big as it is, there is a lot of teens and parents in this situation. I know you will counsel the parents and possibly Joe, but I hope to help Joe and his parents with therapy. It isn't going to be easy for either of us." "Since I am new to all this, what will probably happen." "I will, of course, have to place Joe in a mental facility, probably here, so he can be observed and evaluated for possible future attempts. His parents will come to you for spiritual help and blessings. When Joe is released from the facility, his parents will have to decide what to do with him as a family member. Pray and understanding is my prescription for his parents. If, Joe's parents abandon him, then I will help him find a place to stay so he isn't alone. I would advise you to follow what you are required to do as far as Joe and the church are concerned. I will probably advise him to resign his membership to avoid excommunication. I hope that you will advise his parents to keep him in his family. If not, he loses again." "I understand. Is it always this difficult with families when a child is gay?" "Yes, for the most part." My cell phone rang and I excused myself from the Bishop. "Hello." "Dr. Haines?" said the voice on the other end. "Yes." "I am Carol Weston. I am Terry Weston's mother. Your patient." "Yes, Mrs. Weston, what can I do for you today?" "I am at Harris County Hospital with Terry." Oh shit. "Why is Terry in the hospital?" "Terry and his father got into a big fight this morning, yelling at each other. Terry stood up to him and told him flat out that he was gay. His father and younger brother began to beat him. I think they tried to kill him." "Where are you right now, Mrs. Weston?" "I am in the emergency room." "Fine. I will be there in a few minutes. I am in the hospital." "Okay, thank you." I went back to the Bishop and told him I had another case in t he hospital but I will would come back to see Joe and his mother. I went back to the waiting room and grabbed Rick and headed to the emergency room. This is the day from hell. We worked our way around the maze of hallways to the emergency room. Just as we got to the ER doors, I stopped and grabbed Rick by the arm. "This isn't good either. I have a patient here now too. He was beat up by his dad and brother when he came out to them. Rick. I should have seen this coming." "Jim, you are not a psychic. You have been through this before and you handle it so well." "Why does it have to happen?" "Human behavior is YOUR business. You are damn good at it. It isn't your fault these boys are here. Now go in there and be a doctor." I smiled at Rick. I needed that. He knew. We walked into the ER and I walked up to the control center. "I am Dr. Haines. You have a patient of mine here. His name is Terry Weston." The nurse looked over the charts and found Terry's. "Yes, doctor. He is in room E." "Thanks." I ente red room E and found Terry bandaged up like a mummy. I sat down next to his bed and read his chart. From the injuries I would say that his father and brother were enraged. He had a concussion, 3 broken ribs with one lung collapsed. They had to remove a te s ticle. My guess was that he was punched and kicked. I stood up and removed his sheet so I could look at his body. Besides the head bandages, his face was swollen. His eyes were bruised. The nose was broken. The report said he lost some teeth. The chest wa s bruised and bandaged. The abdomen was also bruised. When I got to his genitals, I was taken back. He must have been kicked repeated there as the remaining testicle was swollen huge. There was a cath inserted into his penis. The penis, too was bruised. I covered him and realized that his father and brother tried to kill him. I sat down to write my instructions for him when he would be able to be moved and out of medical care. As I was writing, a woman and a teenager walked. "Hello, I am Dr. Haines. You must be Mrs. Weston?" "Yes, I am and this is my youngest son Kevin." "I wish we had meet on better circumstances." "I know." She said. "Which doctor are you?" "I am his psychologist. I had been seeing Terry for the past month. Will you tell me what happened, if you can?" Mrs. Weston sat down in the chair next to me. Kevin went over to the bed. He looked like he had been crying. He reached for Terry's hand and held on to it. "Dr. Haines, we were having dinner last night. Terry and his father have not go tten along for a long time. They are both so stubborn. His father tore into him again. I hated it when he did that, but my husband said he was making a man out of him. I think Terry had had enough and stood up and looked at his father with eyes of hatred that I had never seen from him before." Mrs. Weston reached into her purse to remove some Kleenex. I glanced over at Kevin. He had tears running down his face. "Terry gave his father hell for treating him like shit. That he knew he wasn't the son he wanted and would not ever want when he finds out that he is gay. He kept spitting out the words at his father. `Fag'. `Homo'. He told his father he was having sex with men. Terry got into his father's face and said, `I love..." She couldn't bring herself to say those words. From across the bed I heard Kevin's voice. "My brother told our father that he loved sucking cock and having a big cock up his ass. Terry said that it was the best thing to happen to him. My father brought his fist back and slugged Terry in the face. Terry fell back but stood his ground. My other brother Sean got up from the table and called Kevin a fucking faggot and queer. Terry said yes he was. Blood was running out of Terry's mouth. Sean than socked Terry and Terry went down. Mom and I were yelling at them not to hurt Kevin, but they weren't listening. The two of them started hitting and kicking him. Mom was screaming at them to stop. We tried to pull them off, but Sean and Dad wouldn't stop. I never saw my Dad so angry before. His face was red. Saliva was flying out of his mouth as he beat up my brother. My mom got between my father and Terry. My dad turned to hit my mother and I pushed her away. Then my dad started kicking Terry. I grabbed my brother and pleaded with him to stop. My mother ran and called 911. My dad heard her calling and grabbed Sean and they left house." Kevin walked over to me and kneeled next to his mother. "I am so ashamed of the harassment I gave Terry for the last couple of years. I only did it because my father expected it. I knew if I didn't do it, I would have been treated the same way. My father is such a mean bastard. I told the cops what happened to Kevin. I want my father and brother to pay for this." He turned and looked up at his mother. "Mom, I was scared shitless around them because I...too am gay and I want them punished." From the look in Kevin's mother's face, this was the first she had heard of her youngest son being gay. She took her hand and ran it across the top of his head. "Terry was referred to me by your church minister. He called and asked me to see him as he suspected that Terry might be homosexual. I work usually with teens and young adults dealing with the ramifications of being or accepting their homosexuality. I try and help with the rel igious overtones and hope that the first step for each of my patients is to accept themselves as homosexuals and understand it isn't their fault. Kevin, you seem tortured by all this." "Yes. I have held it in for so long. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I am gay Mom and I am sorry to disappoint you." "Kevin, I am not disappointed in you. I am very proud of you. I am very proud of Terry." Then she turned to me, "I didn't know what to do about any of this." "Mrs. Weston, being here with Terry i s what you need to do. Kevin, stop blaming yourself. You and your mother could not have prevented this. I was hoping I could help Terry with his homosexuality and his extreme anger at his father. Have you called your pastor?" "No." "I think you should. The two of you don't need to be alone right now. Have the police found Mr. Weston and Sean?" Kevin nodded his head. "They have been arrested and charged with assault. I am hoping that changes to attempted murder. My mother and I have signed restraining orders against them." "Kevin, I see you want to support your mother and Terry. If you feel like it is getting to be too much, you can come talk to me." I reached into my wallet and brought out my card and handed it to Kevin. "Terry is my patient. I feel that he needs to be evaluated after this. I will move him into the mental health wing here to evaluate him, after his medical doctor releases him. The best medicine for him from both of you is to be here and support him. Talk to him. Kevin I hope you come out to your brother. From this point on you will have a whole new relationship with Kevin, Terry will need it as much as you will." Kevin nodded his head. Tears streaming down his face. Kevin and his mother embraced. "I will be around to keep an eye on Terry. When he wakes, let him know you love him." Both of them nodded. "Doctor, thank you", said Mrs. Weston. I left them and found Rick. I told him were going to check on Tyler and Gary. Rick and I found Tyler in Gary's room. He was holding his hand and rubbing his forehead. "Hi Tyler", I said. Tyler looked up and saw Rick and I at the end of the bed. I could tell he had been crying. I walked over and gave him a hug. Then Rick hugged him. "How is he doing, Tyler?" "Gary is in a coma. They don't know when or if he will wake up." "I know this isn't easy on you Tyler. Gary's type of illness is very serious. He could die. Are you ready for that?" Tyler looked up at me. His eyes began to water. "I know," he said in a whisper. From Gary's perspective: I can hear voices around me. I can make out Tyler's voice. It is soothing. I can barely make out what is being said. Tyler has always had a way of talking to me, with his caring manner and big heart that puts me at peace with the world. He has been the light in my life of darkness. It glows with love and compassion for everyone he comes into contact with and with me his light never flickers. The illumination is strong, defined and it's warmth of love envelopes me. I feel now. I know he is here. I fee l his hand on mine. I can hear him whisper in my ear. I feel his kisses on my face. I want so much to wake up and see him. But now, I am being drawn to another kind of illumination. It is the white light. It grows in brightness. I feel drawn to it. I mov e towards the light. As I approach the whiteness I enter a room. It is like the Celestial Room in the Mormon temples. This one reminds of the Salt Lake City Temple. All the furnishings are white. There are several people mingling around. There is a long w h ite table with one chair at the head of the table and five chairs on either side. A chair sits at the other end of the table with a white shining down on it. The men in the room are in their temple clothing of white. The only color is the green apron they wear. Two young elder missionaries approach. They are dressed in suit and ties and wearing their I.D. badges. I know these elders. They are Elder Martin and Elder Lewis, the missionaries who taught me the lessons before I joined the church. At the far en d of the room is the "VEIL". Like a white curtain, canvassing the wall like a waterfall. It is beautiful. The room is beautiful. I looked over to the missionaries. "Why am I here, what is going on?" "Brother, you have been brought here to judged to see if you are worthy to pass through the Veil." Elder Martin said. NO. I am not ready, not now. I spent years in my darkness, ready to die, not having anything to live for. I was just plain tired of living. I am not now. "I want to go back Elders." "That will be determined." Elder Lewis said. "How?" "The Elders in this room will seat at the table, you will sit in the Chair of Light. Your life will be discussed, evaluated and judged. The folders on the table have the complete history of your life on earth. Everything is revealed." Elder Martin said. "And I have to defend myself?" "Elder Lewis and I are your advocates. We stood for you when you joined the church and now we stand for you again." "How can you defend me? We only knew each for a couple of weeks." "We have read your files. Elder Martin and I were surprised, disappointed and sadden by your file." "Then you have judged me as well?" "Elder Martin and I do not condemn you. We are here to defend your actions in life. The sins are many. This will be a difficult review." "So the council will render a verdict as to my future... the Veil, return to life or purgatory?" "Yes. But we will do everything spiritually possible to defend you." "I am a sinner. How can you defend me?" "We are all sinners, Brother. We will all answer for our sins." Elder Lewis said. "But you know my sins. How can I be redeemed here?" "With Heavenly Father, all things are possible." Elder Martin said. I feel trapped. I know, I am guilty of sins that some of mankind find offensive and the scriptures describe my sins as an abomination. I have a great sense of dread that fills me. "Brother, please take your seat, the council is ready to begin." I pray this is nothing more than a bad dream. But I am hearing whispers from Tyler in my ears...Have Faith" I walk towards the chair and as I reach the lighted area, I realized I am completely naked. I look over to the missionaries. "Brother, this is normal. You are to be naked as Adam was in the garden. Your soul is going to be bared for all here to see." I sat down and was very uncomfortable. Thirteen men surrounded the table. Six sat and each side. One was seated at the top of the table. Each picked up the folders and read my life story. I never felt so small in my entire life. I am doomed to purgatory. Each missionary took his place beside me on each side. "Let us begin." End of Chapter 17