Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 18:00:26 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Part 2   Adult/youth, relationships

Born To Be A Missionary
Part Two

Tyler was looking at me, straight in the eye, daring me to challange him
about his "phase" attitude towards his homosexual activities.  I maintained
his eye challange right into my next question.

"Tyler, tell me a sorta biography of your life."

"Well, I was born on July 5th, 1983, I am the sixth in a line of nine
children. There are 5 boys and 4 girls. I guess you know that Mormons like
big families as on my father's side, we are related to Bringham Young.

"That doesn't surprise me Kyle, since Bringham had so many wives and over
fifty children."

"Yeah, I guess pologamy was a hoot back then. Well anyway, I was closer to
my first older brother, Travis. He and I shared a room, of did till he went
on his mission. When he returned, he got his own room while going to
college. Travis wasn't too happy with me after he came home and found out
about what I was doing. I made fairly good grades in school and hope to
finish college with my senior year after I get back from my mission. Most
of my high school years were home taught. I dont' have too many friends and
the ones I had at church of shyed away since I was suspended from
church. The last 3 years has been school, seeing 2 shrinks, working and
preparing for my mission."

Tyler recited his history like he was reading from a boring text book. Not
a hint of emotional stance even when he talked about his brother Travis.

"So, have you always wanted to go on a mission?"

"Yes. Since I can remember, people of told me and my parents that I was
born to be a Missionary. A friend of mine once joked that I came out of my
mother's womb with scriptures in one hand and my name badge in the other. I
have really worked and studied the scriptures since I can remember. I have
been counting on the mission as a way to better serve the church."

"Your plans for a mission didn't quite go as planned did they?"

"No, just a delay is all."

"The time when you were sixteen and you crossed the line from being clean
of sin to being sinful, did it cross your mind that you might be putting
your mission in jeopardy?"

"No, it didn't. I have never had a doubt about my mission. I always knew I
would go."

"Tyler, when did your parents find out about your sexual behavior and how
did they react?"

"My parents found out about it from our Bishop when they went in for their
annual temple recommend interview. He asked them how I was doing with my
"problem"since he assumed I had already told them what I had told the
Bishop during my annual "virtue" interview. I have always told the truth
when asked."

"What did you tell your Bishop during the interview?"

"I told him I masturbated and was having sex with middle-aged men. He asked
how long I had been sexual active and I told him 2 years since I got my
drivers license. I probably should clarify that my father was Bishop of the
ward prior to this Bishop. My father never asked me "those" questions."

"Tyler, I thought anything you said to your Bishop was private and
confidential?"

"Well, Doc, he didn't.I hadn't planned on my parents finding out. When the
"revelation" was released, I was surprised at the reaction of my parents. I
was on vacation in Utah visiting my grandparents and I got this phone
call. It was my father. He was calm, but my mother was furious. She wanted
to sue every man who touched me. I had to explain to her that was not going
to happen as that I wasn't forced to do anything I didn't want to do. I
realize I was underage at 16 when this started. When I refused to name
names or cooperate with any legal action of any kind, her fury turn towards
me. I had expected my mother to be "more" understanding and accepting, but
it was my father who was. My mother has hardly spoken in a "loving" manner
to me since. My father has spent some time with me, in my room, talking,
trying to be there for me for a change. When he was Bishop, we rarely saw
him at home.",

Tyler wasn't looking at me when he described his parents reaction, he eyes
wondered around away from me.

"Tyler, do you understand the gravity of the situation here. Your parents,
up to this point, had been living thier "perfect" Mormon life that was
taught to them growing up. Service to the church, pay your tithing,
sacrifice where needed, have a family, be deligent in following the
scriptures, send sons on missions and then receivie the blessings of thier
good works. And then "bam", one of thier sons is sexual active as a
teenager. Not that he was out scoring with the girls, he was having sex
with middle-aged men. Thier wonderful, perfect Mormon world came to a
grinding halt. One of thier own childeren, as a Mormon, possibly
homosexual. Having been taught that homosexuality is a sin and should be
avoided at practically any cost. Forget the church teaching, "Forgive the
sinner, hate the sin", it doesn't apply to homosexuality. The worst kind of
sin to most Mormons out there. No, your parents arn't the first to deal
with the gravity of this kind of situation. To them, it was like a death in
the family. Do you have any comprension has to the consequences of your
actions?"

Tyler wouldn't look at me. I could see his mind was absorbing what I had
just said. I sensed he know how to play the game with "shrinks" as he put
it. I figured he would have no response to what I just said to him. Then he
looked up at me.

"Doc, how do you know so much about the Mormon church?"

Changed the subject did he. Avoiding responsibility. Alright.

"Tyler, I told you, I have studied religions to get an understanding on how
to help my patients who are religious and conflicted with thier
sexuality. Mormons and Southern Baptists can and are the toughest to deal
with. All religions have a problem with homosexuality, some just react more
"strongly" about then others."

Tyler reacted like he understood.

"Tyler, tell me about your first time with a man."

Tyler looked up at me. You could see the wheels spinning in his mind.

"I was sixteen, scared I guess and I went to the public park next to the
mall in Spring (Spring is a Houston community), I had heard that a boy
could be picked up there for sex. I walked around and then sat on a
bench. A man sat down next to me. He sat kind of close. His leg pushed
against mine. I didn't move away. He asked me if I wanted to go with him
and I said "yes". So, I followed him to his car and we went to his
apartment. It was only a couple miles away. I went in with him. I was
standing there with my hands in my pockets. He asked if this was my first
time and I told him "yes". He smiled and said it will be alright. Then he
kissed me. It was weird, but I let him. His hands were touching my face and
stroking my cheek. He told me how handsome I was and asked my how old I
was. I told him 18. He took me by the arm and led me to his bedroom. Then
he started to undress me. I let him."

Tyler than looked up at me with his eyes wide, like a cat ready to
pounce. Then he asked, "How much detail do you want with this?"

"It is your story, you tell it the way you want to."

"Okay," he said. "He was being so gentle with me. Not going to fast. Just
touching. I didn't move to undress him. He took my shirt off and my t-shirt
and commented on the hair on my chest and abs. He ran his hands all over my
chest, it was nice to feel that kind of touch. The man asked me how much I
wanted to learn and I told him everything. He kneeled in front of me and
undid my the button on my jeans, lower my zipper and moved the jeans to my
feet where I stepped out them. This was getting pretty close to what I
thought would be the good stuff. I was still nervous and turned on so
much. My dick had been hard since he touched my on the park bench. It was
pretty evident that I was hard as he looked at my underwear all pushed
out. The man said he would teach me everything but the first thing he had
to do was relax me. So, he pulled my underwear down. I was exposed and he
took my cock immediately into his mouth and began sucking me off. I have
about eight inches and he took me all the way down to my pubes. It was such
a wonderful feeling. He worked for a couple of minutes before I told I was
ready to cum. He kept up the action and seemed like he increased the
intensity of his mouth and hand movements on me. I came. He swallowed. It
was incredible. He layed me down on the bed to recover and he started to
get undressed. I watched every movement as he got naked before. For an
older guy, he wasn't in bad shape at all. Looked like it maintained
himself. When he removed his underwear, he was hard, about six inches, in
comparison, I have about eight inches. He was uncircumcised. I watch as he
moved his foreskin back and forth over his head so I could see how it
worked since he apparently noticed I was circumcised. I sat up on the edge
of the bed and I took hold of his cock. I moved the skin, which I liked,
then I thought, this is what I wanted to do, so do it. I took his cock into
my mouth. The taste was most pleasant. He coached me about teeth grazing
across the skin and how best to give a blow job. I was loving it. My
fingers went to his balls so I could examine them and he had big balls. I
was really getting into a groove, sucking and touching when he said he was
getting close. I realized I hadn't decided what to do when he came. So, I
thought, since he swallowed mine I should swallow his. I did. The taste was
also pleasant. He had a lot of cum."

Tyler was watching me for any kind of reaction to his graphic description
of his first blow job. I maintained my professional composure. Though I
knew Rick would be the benefactor to this story in bed tonight.

"I liked giving him a blow job. I knew I would do it again. Then he sat
down on the bed and told me he wanted me to fuck him. Lesson number 2. He
explained to me about lubricant and how to apply it to my cock and to his
opening. He explained using the fingers to loosen up the rectum. When he
felt that he was ready, he asked if I was. I said I was. So he was laying
on his back, his legs spread for easy access. I knew enough where my cock
was about to go. I lined myself up. He explained the best way to enter and
reduce as much pain as possible for the guy who was getting my big cock. I
brought the head of my cock to his hole and I slowly pressed forward. I
wasn't very patient as I just went ahead and slipped it in all the way. He
seemed exteremely uncomfortable at first and I didn't move. Then finally he
said "go ahead" and I started moving my cock back and forth inside his
ass. The feelings I was receiving from my cock were incredible. I liked
fucking. I started to be more aggresive with my fucking. His cock was rock
hard again has I learned letter, I was stroking his prostate with my
cock. I felt I was going to cum. He told me to shoot up inside him. I was
bare backing him. I was surprised I could could cum so quickly after the
last time. I shot my load. I thought I wasn't going to stop coming. I
didn't want it to stop coming. He shot off with anyone touching him. He had
come all over his chest and abs. I slipped out of his ass and started
licking up all his cum. I took his cock in my mouth and sucked all the cum
off of it. I layed down beside him and we held hands and cuddled. I had
never had such a sense of satisfaction in my entire life."

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. My cock was hard. I chaulked it
up to being a normal reaction of a homosexual man. Tyler on the other hand,
I wasn't too sure of.

"So we layed like that for quite awhile. Then we got up and showered. He
explained docking to me and he proceded to move his foreskin over the head
of my cock. It was so neat. I thought at the time I wanted mine back"

"Tyler, so you wish you had your foreskin back?"

"Yes. After my parents found out about me, my Dad and I were alone and I
asked him why all my brothers and myself were circumcised. I reminded him
of D&C 74 (Doctrine and Coventents as provided by the first President of
the church, Joseph Smith)where it is written that a child sould "remain
from circumcision". He said the hospital just did it. Something that was
done and is was not questioned."

"Tyler, did you see this man again?"

"Yes, several times, I enjoyed his company as well as his body. He sure
liked mine."

"Is this how all your sexual encounters happened, by going to the park?"

"Yes, except for one."

"Do you know how dangerous that was. Are you still going to the park?"

"Yes."

"When was the last time you went to the park for sex?"

"Last Friday."

"Tyler, did you know the Mormon church has a rule about young men going on
a mission after having had homosexual relations?"

"Which one are you refering to?"

"The one that states that you have to remain sexually celebate from any
homosexual relations for three years before being approved for a mission?"

Tyler looked frustrated all at once. He didn't know.

"No, I didn't know that one."

We remained quiet as I let him kick that information around in his mind.

"But I am not gay. How would that apply to me?"

I looked at him. This guy is not stupid. He knows it applies to him. Why
was he in denial?

"I didn't say the rule applied to being gay, it applied to homosexual
behavior, which you have been practicing."

"I am not a homosexual then."

Tyler is hard headed too.

"Do you have sex with men?"

"Yes."

"That is homosexual behavior. The church rule could be applied to you. I
have seen it wavied in the best interest of the young man by the Bishop at
his descretion. This is what your Bishop is wanting to consider for you. I
do not tell him what you tell me, but I give him an evaluation report that
aids him in his decision process."

Tyler seemed to relax a little.

"Tyler, do you practice safe sex?"

"Yes."

"Do you wear condoms for anal sex now?"

"Yes."

"Have you been tested for STDs?"

"Yes."

"How long ago?"

"Two years ago. After I got back from Utah, my parents took me to the
doctor. I was clean."

"The word "was" is of concern of mine. You have remained agressively acted
since then. You need to be tested again."

"Okay."

"The best way you can do that is by going down to the Gay Youth Center in
Montrose (the gay business and entertainment area of Houston). I have a
friend there who will help with this. His name is Rick. I will give you his
card before you leave and I expect you to go. Understood. Rick will counsel
you about..." I wanted to say, being gay, but I didn't."...safe sex and you
could talk to other guys your age and even younger about homosexual
behavior."

"Yes." he said. Thinking for awhile, he then said,"You're not like the
other shrinks I have been to."

"I believe you were seeing what I call "cookie cutter shrinks", those that
smooth the edges of the problem and not treat the problem."

"Yeah, I know. They both seem to ask the same questions. What was my mood
like, had I had any manic episodes, basically asking how I was "feeling"
about things all the time. No one asked me to describe any sexual
encounters with them. One of them was a Mormon who was coming up with all
these excuses for my sexual conduct. He had the belief that homosexuals
choose thier orientation rather than be born with it."

"That's been the argument for the last 20 years. I believe you are born
with your sexual orientation. You didn't choice to be right handed you? You
could use your left hand, but it would be awkward, wouldn't it?"

"Okay."

"Tyler, what do you think is your sexual orientation?"

"Completely heterosexual. I intend to marry and have kids."

"Do you plan on telling your future wife that you spent years having sex
with middle aged men?"

"I don't think I should have to."

"Why not, Tyler?"

"That sexual history would be in the past."

"Wouldn't you want to know about her sexual history."

"No, she will be a virgin."

"Don't you think she is expecting you be a virgin?"

"Yes, but I am as far as girls go."

"So, if you went on a mission, could you control your sexual urges knowing
that you can't have sex for 2 years?"

"Yes."

"Have you been able to control your sexual urges lately?"

Tyler sat there. I figured he wouldn't answer the question. I looked at the
clock and we had been at it for over 3 hours already.

"Tyler, do you need a break or anything?"

"No thanks, I am fine."

We sat there quietly for a few minutes as I was writing up my notes.

"How many times have you had sex with men in the last month, Tyler?"

"Wow, Doc. You ask the weirdest questions."

"There is always a point to all my questions, Tyler."

"Okay. I have had sex with six guys so far this month."

"How often do you masturabate?"

"Nightly."

"So you have sex with men and masturbate in defiance to the lessons and
teachings of the church?

"Not in defiance, just becasue I want to. No guilt."

"Do you feel any guilt about how your parents feel about your sexual
conduct?

"No."

"Do they know you are still sexually active?"

"I haven't told them."

"Okay, your secret got out to your parents and you felt no need to stop?"

"No, why should I?"

"A lot of guys probably would have at least considered that?"

"I am not like other guys."

"Isn't that the point? Most other guys are not having sex with middle aged
men."

"Look Doc, I know that I love to suck cock, I love having my cock sucked, I
like fucking guys up the ass...it all feels great and I have no intention
on stopping until I go on my misssion. Then when I get back I won't need to
have sex with men as I will get married and have sex with my wife."

"You honestly think that being married will satisfy your sexual urges with
men?"

"Yes."

"I think you are wrong, Tyler."

He got pissed, I can see in his eyes.

"I AM NOT GAY, I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. I am in complete control of my life,
thank you very much."

"Very well, Tyler, I think we can call it a day. Today is Tuesday, how
about coming in Thursday at 4 and we can continue?"

"I will be here. I don't have much of choice do I?"

"Not if you want to go on a mission."

"See ya," and he was out the door.

I finished my notes, locked the office up and headed for home and Rick.

When I got back from my mission, I had a plan to finish my schooling, get
married, have kids and live happily ever after. And for awhile it worked. I
wanted to be a doctor really bad, but I hadn't decided on a
specialty. Money wasn't the issue for me. I just wanted to do something
that would mean something to other people. It wasn't until a friend of
mine, Kurt, who also was a returned missionary from England, called me and
ask me to met him. We met on our mission and discovered were both from
Houston. I made a lot of good friends on my mission. I met Kurt and he
seemed visually upset. I was his friend and he could trust me. Kurt
returned from his mission a year and a half after I did. His younger
brother, who was 19 at the time, wasn't at home when he got back. He asked
his parents where his brother was and they said that brother didn't belong
to this family any more. Kurt asked why and they said that he was a pervert
homosexual and the church and his parents did not approve of his
lifestyle. Kurt was forbidden to see his brother, if he did, they would cut
him off for college funds.  Kurt found his brother anyway. He was living
with non-Mormon friend of his as he struggled getting on with his
life. Tim, his brother, was devasted at the lose of his family. He told
Kurt he missed his family and he was so conflicted between the church, his
parents and his homosexulity. Kurt knew being gay was not taught, aquired
or even chosen. The "choice" is how to live with it. Kurt fought with
parents and tried to shame them for throwing out their own son, a family
member, but his father wouldn't reconcile his feelings on the issue. This
torn Tim up so bad that Tim went to the family home the past Sunday while
the family was at church. He waited on the porch. He hanged himself from
the front yard tree so his parents could see him there when they got home
from church. Kurt was so torn up over the suicide. He couldn't understand
why nothing could have been worked out so Tim wouldn't have made the
"choice" to end his life. I was so moved that I made the choice to go into
psychiatry with a special interest in sexual orientation and religion. The
year was 1986.

I finished school, did my residency and graduated with a PhD. I got married
and Rick was my best man. We waited for him to finish his mission so he
could come to Houston for the wedding. I was happy and content with married
life. When the kids started coming I was so happy.  By 1991, after the
third son was born, I realized that I was having stronger and stronger
feelings about my sexuality. As a doctor, I knew what was going on. I
fought it. I went to my Bishop and told him of my concerns. I loved my
wife, sweetest woman I ever met, but I couldn't stop the urges. I never
cheated on her, but we stopped having sex. Sara, my wife, was very smart
and of course, suspected something was up. I finally told her. I left and
the marriage was over. If I had known I would have hurt her like I did, I
wouldn't have married her. But on the other hand, I have 3 wonderful sons I
wouldn't give up for anything. The boys didn't understand then why Daddy
left. Sara, married another church member a year after our divorce. She
married very well and her husband is great with the kids.

When I left, I moved into an apartment. I called Kurt and talked to him. I
called Rick and told him. That is when Rick came out to me. Rick came to
Houston and we haven't been apart since. My first time with a man was with
Rick. When I removed my garments (some people refer to the garments as
special underwear, with special symbols sewn on them. Garments are place
upon you when you receive your endowments in the temple) to be with Rick, I
put them away forever.

When I got home, Rick was in the kitchen cooking. I found him there,
dressed only in an apron and nothing else.