Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:53:38 -0800 (PST) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 21 adult/youth (Author's notes: The usual legal stuff, this is my story, I own all rights to it. It cannot be reproduced or posted elsewhere without the written permission of the author. With that said, I appreciate all the emails I am have been getting. Thanks guys.) Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 21 From Jim's perspective: All the doctors and nurses turned to see Tyler, on his knees. They all knew him from having seen him visiting his lover and companion who he was. They saw the love he had for Gary. The room seemed to stand still, the monitors had been turned off and the quiet dignity of a soul departed filled the room and touched everyone's heart. I have not lost anyone to death so close to me. But I can't help but remember the holy sonnet by John Donne entitled "Death Be Not Proud" that I read in college. It is a bittersweet homage to Death. The phrase that comes to mind is..."one short sleep past, we wake eternally." It took me a long to time appreciate the 1968 movie version of "Romeo and Juliet" as two lovers crossed the lines of families divided only to have a tragic end. The girlfriend I went with in high school at a revival showing was crying her eyes out. I didn't get it than. I have since after falling in love. I watched the movie with Rick years ago. We both cried. "The Front Runner" was a celebration of love found and love lost. The tragic death of Billy set the tone for his lover, Harland for the rest of his own life. He would be forever touched by the loss and the grief. First, refusing to grieve, but found relief in grief so he could go on. My own grandmother described how she watched my grandfather go through open-heart surgery at 74 years of age. She said that she looked upon him in recovery after the surgery. His cheeks were so rosy color, his face looked so angelic...and she felt with trepidation at that moment that he would be passing through the veil soon. To the surprise of his doctors, he did within hours. After that, my grandmother lost the sparkle in her eyes. One's life is never the same after the death of someone who we have loved and was loved in return. I have found that a death brings so many changes to the survivors of a loved one as they try to find a way to go on. I think of Joel, as he lies not too far away. Who tried to find a way to end his grief with his own way. Death is an inevitable occurrence for all of us. Death of a loved one is a `life experience' that forever alters our own lives. After turning off the machines and removing the tubes from Gary's body, the doctors and nurses had left the room. Somehow, Rick and Kevin had moved to Tyler and had placed their arms around him. Rick looked at me and I could see tears in his eyes. I knew the tears were for Tyler. He motioned for me to go out of the room. I left but stood close by for Tyler. After about a half hour I saw Travis coming down the hall and I went to him. "Let's go into the waiting room here." "Okay.' We sat down in the corner of the room away from other families. "Travis, Gary just passed away." "Oh my" he said, "How is Tyler?" "I think he will be fine, just grief stricken at the moment as the reality of it hits him. There are two people with him now." "I would like to be with him, doctor." "I know, but let's give him a few minutes. I am sure he will want to be alone with Gary for a few minutes before we all converge on him." "I understand. I had better call my parents and let them know." "Here, use my cell phone." From Tyler's perspective: It all seemed so surreal. I found myself so lost within myself as I resisted the knowledge that Gary was gone. I felt arms around me, but I didn't know who was holding me. At that moment, it didn't matter. All I felt was my heart aching. The fears and worry I felt for Gary were gone. Relieved. Replaced by the despair of grief. I kept hearing my name being spoken softy, almost in a whisper. From Rick's perspective: "Tyler" I kept repeating, softly. Tyler had his eyes closed, tears running down his cheeks. I knew from my training in grief counseling that this will not be the hardest moment for him. It will come later, when he is alone, when he is trying to find sleep that will elude him until he is totally exhausted. Kevin and I were holding him up as he rocked back and forth. "Come on, Tyler...let's go over and see Gary." As if in a trance, Tyler reluctantly started to rise up to his feet. I looked over at Kevin whose eyes were moist. I prayed Kevin would not have to go through this and that his brother would recover. I suspect he was thinking the same thing. We had Tyler standing up. I took his hand in mine and slowly lead him to the bed. Tyler moved closer to the bed, I felt his hand get tighter in mine. I placed Tyler's hand upon Gary's. "Tyler, Kevin and I are going to leave you with Gary. Are you going to be alright?" Tyler just lowered his head as his eyes opened and looked down upon Gary. I motioned for Kevin to follow me and we left the two of them alone. Outside the room, I looked around for Jim, but didn't see him. I looked over at Kevin. "Are you okay, Kevin?" "That was so hard, Rick. Poor Tyler." From Tyler's perspective: I looked at Gary, for the first time in death. I bent down and kissed him, his lips were cold already. I realized his hand was cold too. So quickly does the body give up it's warmth and life. He's gone from me. "This wasn't suppose to happen, Gary. We were to grow old together, we had so much to do, together." I said aloud, hoping he could hear me. I climbed onto the bed and laid my head upon his shoulder, like we always used to do. He would put his arm around me and comfort me. It was so wondrously intimate. I would listen to his breathing and feel his warm touch upon me. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would tell him how much I loved him...LOVED?...I still do. I still do. This time I just lay there, with my eyes closed, listening for a breath that won't ever come again. My fingers intertwined in his. From Jim's perspective: Travis and I headed down to Gary's room. Outside stood Kevin and Rick. The door to the room was closed. Rick saw us coming and walked over. I introduced Rick to Travis. "Tyler is alone right now with Gary. He needed to be alone with him for now" Rick said. Travis looked over at me and said, "I really want to go in, if nothing else, to see him." I looked at Rick and he nodded his head yes. Travis went to the door. From Travis' perspective: I opened the door and walked in and closed the door. I stood at the foot of the bed as I looked upon my brother. Tyler was on the bed cuddled up to Gary. I will never forget the way my brother looked. His eyes were open and lost. The grief was all over his face. My heart sank with sadness. I turned away for a moment, I felt so overwhelmed. I had to be strong, for Tyler. I walked over to the side of the bed and placed my hand on Tyler's shoulder. Tyler didn't move or respond. "Tyler." He didn't move. "I am here for you little brother." This was really hard for me, as he remained silent and unmoving. I felt my eyes tearing up again. "Tyler, remember when we watched that cheesy movie called `Love Story', you know, the one we laughed at for being so silly and sentimental. I don't how we ended up watching it. I think we were up late one night and it was on television. And that stupid line in the movie about `love means never having to say you're sorry'. I know that wasn't true. Tyler, I love you and I am so sorry for you." Tyler didn't move. I knew I had to reach him. I said a prayer silently to give me guidance in reaching my brother. I placed my hands on his head and gave him a blessing, I didn't speak the words aloud, but it was just as effective. I finished and just looked at him, I wanted just to take him away from all this, like it was a bad dream. "Tyler...do you believe?" "Tyler...do you believe?" Very softly I heard Tyler say, "Yes." "What do you believe, Tyler?" Tyler turned and looked at me. "I believe." Tyler stood up and I took him in my arms. He began to cry really hard. I just squeezed him tightly. "I am here for you buddy." "I believe," he sobbed. "I have to believe." "Tyler, yes you do. Believe in the faith. Gary's gone through the veil" "I loved him so much Travis." "I know." "I lost him for so long and than to lose him again." "At least you found him before..." "I know." I started rocking him. "I hope you find comfort in the fact that he will waiting for you, when you pass through veil." "I know." Of all the times Tyler and I have had in our lives, I never dreamed we would share a moment like this. I wanted to take the pain away for him. I started crying too, for my brother. I don't know how long we stood there, crying on each other's shoulder, I didn't care about the time. From Jim's perspective: I was standing with Kevin and Rick when a nurse called me over. I went back to Rick and Kevin. "Rick, will you stay here while Kevin and I go for a walk." "Sure." Not saying anything else, I walked Kevin to his brother's room. We walked in. Kevin's mother was standing by the bed holding onto Terry's hand. "Mom," Kevin said. Kevin's mother looked up, "He's awake, Kevin, he's awake." Kevin looked at his brother as Terry's eyes began to open. Kevin rushed over and took his brother's hand. "Terry?" I could see Terry was still groggy from the pain medication, but he did look up at Kevin. His eyes were soft and no longer looking bitter and angry. "Hi Kevin," Terry said. "Hi Terry, I missed you." "I know." "How do you feel?" "Don't know yet?" It was quite a sight to see and I could feel it, as I believed this family would recover and be stronger for each other. Terry looked at his brother, what he said stunned me. "Kevin, did you give Mom the message?" Kevin looked surprised at Terry and than his mother. "Yes, he did, Terry. Kevin told me. I love you too." I slipped out of the room. I would talk to Terry later. I headed back to Rick. "What was that about, Jim?" Rick asked. "Terry is awake." "Great, got to have some good news at the moment." "Are they still in there?" "Yeah." We sat down outside the room. "I told the nurse not to call his mother yet. I wanted to give Tyler some time and I thought that it would be better if she heard the news in person rather than on the phone. I thought maybe Tyler would want to tell her." "He probably would." We sat there quietly. Me? Pondering the blessing of having Rick, not wanting to accept the reality that some day, one of us will grieve over the other. Tyler's parents came down the hallway. I met them and told them about Gary and that Travis was with Tyler. I led them to Terry's room and they went in. Another nurse came up to me and told me that Joel was awake and alone. I motioned to Rick to come along. I entered Joel's room. Joel looked up at me. His eyes were so sad. "Hi Joel." "Hi doctor," he said. "How do you feel?" Joel closed his eyes and said, "Not to good. I guess I really screwed up this time." "We have a lot to talk about Joel. When your doctor releases you, you are all mine." "What happens now?" "Well the state says that you have to be placed in a mental facility for at least 72 hours where you can be evaluated. If it is believed that you are no longer a threat to yourself, you will be released." Joel looked up at me and said, "Where will I go, I am sure my parents don't want me anymore." "Well, your father is struggling with both issues, where as your mother has been here and I think she went out to take a break or get something to eat in the cafeteria." Joel took it all in. "I had a strange dream, doctor." "I know." Joel stared right at me. "I know about the dream already." I said. "But how?" "Well, it is kind of complicated. I have another patient in ICU. His brother had a dream and it matched someone else who had a dream. I brought the brother in to see you and he recognized you. I brought the other young man in and he recognized both you and Kevin's brother. Do you remember Kevin and Tyler?" "Yes. They both spoke in defense of the others." "Who spoke for you, Joel?" Joel looked away from me. I noticed tears forming in his eyes. "Joel, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Joel's head fell back against the pillow. "It was Brian." I was a little taken back with that information. "Do you want to talk about it Joel?" Joel closed his eyes. He had a lot to think about. "I don't know, doctor." "Well, there is no hurry." We remained quiet for a little awhile. "Joel, there I something I do want you to think about." Joel opened his eyes and looked at me. "Sad people do things...some try and do the same thing you did and some do things to help themselves. " Joel closed his eyes again. "Happy people do things..." And after a few moments I said... "Indifferent people do nothing and go nowhere." The end of Chapter 21