Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 20:47:50 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary  Chapter 24  adult/youth

Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 24

(Author's notes: I have realized that it has been a year since I started
this story. It has been quite a journey for me as the author. The usual,
legal, and copyright stuff. Please don't miss the author's note at the end
of the chapter.)


>From Rick's perspective:

I watched Jim leave the waiting room. I haven't seen Jim nearly lose it
like that in a very long time. The guys stood there and applauded him. I am
so proud of him.

"Rick?"

"Yeah, Kevin?"

"Jim said something about 'Evergreen'. What is that?"

I looked at Travis and Tyler. "Do either of you know what Evergreen is?"

Tyler nodded his head that he did. Travis didn't know.

"Well, Evergreen is an support group for those with SSA...same sex
attraction with chapters across the country. It is a Mormon run
organization for those individuals who struggle with their sexual feelings,
their families and friends. It is not affiliated with the church. It
supports those individuals with a strong drive to overcome their
attractions. It is not a cure all for homosexuality, since there is no
cure. I suspect Joel's father mentioned Evergreen to him and Jim took
exception to it. Jim and I have only recommended Evergreen occasionally."

"I looked into Evergreen," said Tyler, "but I was still in denial and
didn't find what I needed there."

"How are you feeling, Tyler?" I asked.

Tyler looked weary and slightly strained from the day's events.

"I'm doing okay. Though kind of tired. I think we should go, Travis."

"Okay, I am hungry anyway." Travis said.

Tyler and Travis said their goodbyes and Kevin went to see his
brother. Finally Jim came around and we headed out.

Jim and I had quiet dinner at Red Lobster. The rest of the night, Jim
seemed quiet. I knew this was one of those times that I sat back and let
Jim have his thoughts. When we got home we found a note from the boys that
they had gone out to eat and to a movie. Jim decided to go to bed early and
I decided to wait up for Jamie and Steve.

After a few hours, I went to the bathroom, I noticed our bedroom door was
open and I peeked in on Jim. He was kneeled by the bed in pray. I closed
the bedroom door and went back into the living room.

I hit the pause button on the DVD player to continue the movie I was
watching. It is FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. A wonderful 1971 film that was based
on a Broadway musical, about life, love and the personal relationship one
man has with God and his Jewish faith. Living life within the comfort of
his faith's traditions, he finds himself suddenly challenged by the people
he loves, to open his heart to new ideas that goes beyond his beloved
traditions and takes one of his daughters away from her home in marriage to
a young man who is not Jewish. His strict religious laws require one to
marry within their faith. It breaks his heart to have to choose between his
religious teachings and his daughter's marriage. He struggles with his
emotions ultimately he feels he must and does turn his back on his daughter
and with a broken heart, tells his wife that their daughter is 'dead' to
them.  A wonderful song in the film called "Sunrise Sunset" epitomizes the
film's message, that like life and traditions have a beginning and an
end. The foundation for our lives that starts with the laws of obedience as
directed by one's religious beliefs to the dawning of new ideals and the
opening of one's heart to wisdom and acceptance of life's ever changing
challenges. At the sunset of the film, we are given the glimmer of hope
that he will accept the daughter and her husband by offering the father's
blessing of "...go with God". This film never fails to bring tears to my
eyes.

Steve and Jamie came in during the credits of the film. I told them about
the movie and insisted that they watch it sometime. I told Steve that his
father had called Jim and was to see him tomorrow. Steve seemed okay with
the news and said he had expected it. The guys stayed up to watch another
movie and I went to bed.

I pulled the covers back and looked at Jim with the moonlight from the
window. He is a beautiful man. His mind, heart and body...I love him so
much. I move in closer to him and put my arms around him.

"It's about time you came to bed." Jim said.

"I thought you were asleep."

"I was."

"I thought you wanted to be alone. After your talk with Joel's father I
thought you needed the time."

"I did. There was a lot to think about."

"Did you figure anything out?"

"No. I didn't."

Jim turned over and placed his head on my shoulder. He placed his hand on
my chest. I so love intimacy.

"What do you think about the dream Jim?"

"It was a strange phenomenon. I don't know if we are witness to something
extraordinary or not. I am going to have to read up on dreams and see if
this is an isolated situation."

"Ah..."

"Want I want right now is to kiss you and make love to you."

"Well, I wouldn't mind that. In fact, I would really like that."

"Yeah."

We kissed and made love and fell asleep in each other's arms.


>From Jim's perspective:


I awoke early in Rick's arms. I love sleeping like that. I pushed back the
sheet so I could look at Rick's naked body, how I love looking at him. I
tore myself away and showered. Rick didn't wake up until I kissed him on
the lips.

"I like waking up to you kissing me," Rick said.

"I like kissing you, always."

"Are you leaving me already?"

"Yes, I have to go back to the hospital, meet with Steve's father and check
on my patients."

"I know. You are such a good man."

"Glad someone sees that."

"You are not going to win everyone over to your side, but I like watching
you try."

"I nearly lost it. He really pushed my buttons."

"He pushed because he knew you cared more about your patient than he did."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I am always sure when it comes to you."

"I love you."

"I know."

I stood up and walked towards the door.

"I will call you later, maybe meet for dinner?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I left the house and got into my car. Pulling out my cell phone I dialed
Travis' number.

"Hello."

"Travis?"

"Yes."

"Dr. Haines."

"Hi."

"How's Tyler?"

"Well, he finally got to sleep...I think he had a rough night."

"I figured."

"He went to bed about 11, I stayed up watching a movie. About 1 A.M., I
went to the bathroom and stood outside his door, he was crying. I wanted so
bad to go into him but I followed your instructions."

"Good."

"I went to bed about 3 and I could still hear him through the door, crying
and moaning. It was hard on me just hearing that."

"I know."

"So I got up around 10 and he was quiet, I opened the door and he was
asleep. Still is."

"Good. Let him sleep as long as he needs to. Call me if you need me."

"I will. Thanks doctor."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I got to the hospital and headed to the doctor's lounge where I had agreed
to meet Steve's father. It was empty liked I hoped and waited.

Steve's father appeared at the door. I walked over and introduced myself.

"Hi, I am Jim Haines, Jamie's father." I offered my hand. He took it.

"Yes...Kirk Lindsay."

"Have a seat Kirk."

"Thanks."  We both sat at the conference table.

Kirk finally turned to me.

"I am still in some shock finding our sons together in bed naked."

"I know, I understand."

"Did you know about this?" Kirk asked.

"I had only found out a short time ago. I was totally surprised."

"Were you disappointed with your son when you found out?"

"In some ways yes. I know that being gay is not the easiest of lifestyles
in this world. I would rather my sons be straight and live in this world
comfortably, but than life does throw us those curves that seem to have no
limitations."

"I don't believe Steve is really...that way."

"Why not? Have you sat down and talked to him?"

"I haven't done that, no."

Looking down away from me, he seemed to be struggling with his words.

"Why don't you talk to him?"

"I can't face him right now."

"Why not now?"

Kirk just shook his head.

"Kirk, did you know that Steve and Jamie have been sexually involved for
over 4 years now?"

Kirk finally raised his head and the look, of pain, in his eyes was
apparent.

Shaking his head, he said, "No, I didn't."

"I was surprised at that myself."

"I had a meeting with my bishop to find out what I had to do. I needed to
know what I could do for Steve, myself and to protect my family."

"Protect your family from what?"

"From Steve and the evilness that has befallen him."

"Steve isn't evil."

"I don't know that, I don't know my son now."

"What did your bishop tell you?"

"He told me to find answers in my heart."

"And did you?"

"Not yet."

"Since finding out about Steve did you close your heart to him?"

Kirk turned away.

"I don't know."

Kirk got up and went to the window. Looking out for something, but not
really seeing anything.

"My family isn't happy with me."

I listened.

"We had a family meeting and my children are angry with me. My twin boys
who are a year younger than Steve really tore into me for throwing Steve
out of the house. My wife supported my decision but we were both stunned
when all of our children stood against us. I never imagined that could ever
happen."

Kirk turned towards me.

"When my youngest daughter who is 8, came to me and said...'Daddy, Steve is
my big brother, I need him. We all need him. You need him'... I nearly lost
it."

Kirk walked over to the table and sat down again.

 "I told them all that I had Steve leave to protect them from what he was
doing, that what he was doing was against the gospel, the scriptures and
Heavenly Father. It was wrong and he didn't deserve to be in our home."

Kirk wiped tears from his eyes.

"My twins told me they held a meeting with my children, they discussed what
had happened, what it all meant to them...that their brother was gay and
that they loved him anyway. They agreed that they wanted him in their
lives, and that I had no right to send a member of our family out of the
home. My wife got so upset she went to the bedroom."

Shaking his head and his fists.

"Last week, I had the perfect life...blessed with a great wife and
family...living life exactly as the Lord intended...and now it seems to be
falling apart."

"Intended?"

"Following the gospel so that my family and I can be together forever."

"And now you don't think that will happen just because Steve isn't who you
thought he was?"

"Yes and I think everything is slipping away from me."

I gave him a few moments to think.

"Kirk, how much do you know about me?"

"Not a lot. My bishop gave me your business card, as you are a family
therapist. He didn't know that it was your son that was involved with
mine."

"Is that all you know?"

"Yes."

"Kirk, not only am I a therapist for young men and their families, but I am
a homosexual."

Kirk looked right through me, as he seemed stunned by the news.

"How can that be, you are a father?"

"Yes, I have three wonderful sons."

"But how?"

"I had same sex attraction growing up, but I dismissed it, didn't' want to
do deal with it. I, too, wanted to follow the gospel and live my life
accordingly. I went on a mission. I figured if I got married, that I would
lose those same sex feelings. As I got older, I discovered the feelings
were growing and became overwhelming. I loved my wife, we had become close
intimately, so I struggled with what I thought would be the right thing to
do for my wife and family. But I also knew I couldn't continue with my life
that way. I made the decision to end the marriage and move out."

"Wow, I had no idea."

"It was really hard on everyone. My sons were too young to understand. My
wife found another man who has made her very happy. I feel that I made the
best decision for everyone. Even though I hurt my wife terribly at that
time for which I felt incredible guilt about it, I knew what I did was the
right thing to do. She has been wonderful with my sons and me, and not
hiding the truth from them, has allowed our relationships to grow as
natural as possible."

"I never knew a homosexual before."

"I would say you have, just never knew it."

"Really, I thought that that world was so detached from me, out there,
somewhere, not touching us."

"And now, it was right inside your own home and you are really angry about
that."

"Yes."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"My heart hurts."

"Kirk, you really need to talk to Steve. He was upset about how things
happened. He needs his family too."

"I know, but I am not happy about this."

"Talk to him, tell him how you feel, let him tell you how he feels. You
need to let him come home or at least let him visit his siblings. You do
have issues to discuss. It is your home. You set boundaries on his
activities in the house. I am sure Steve will respect your wishes."

"What if I ask him not to see Jamie again?"

"Do you really think you can ask him to do that? If he is as in love with
Jamie as Jamie is with him, than you will lose him."

"I guess you are right."

"I know how the church feels about homosexuality, I find it archaic and
barbaric in some of its political actions towards gay members. But you and
your family will not lose any of its promises by allowing Steve to remain
in the family. I know you want the best for Steve, and for now this is what
is best. Talk to him. He needs to hear that you love him no matter what."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"Yes, you can."

Kirk was shaking his head.

"If you believe in anything that Christ did in his life, believe that he
accepted everyone and never turned his back on anyone. Will you go talk to
him?"

Reluctantly he nodded his head.

"Yes, I will."

"Steve is a very smart young man, he knows you are angry and that you are
struggling with this. You two will need to give the other time to adjust to
everything."

Kirk nodded his head, "I will call him and ask to see him."

"Kirk, take baby steps." I said. "I believe that you and your family may
need counseling with this. I would be happy to, but if you feel that I have
a conflict of interest here than I would understand and recommend someone
for you."

"No, it isn't it right now. I know you are right. I just need to take some
time to think about all of this."

"Steve is staying with me."

"Thank you for that. I didn't even consider where he would go."

I gave Kirk my number and he immediately called and talked to Steve. They
agreed to meet at my house in about an hour.

"Any other advice, that you might have for me, Jim?"

"Open your heart and go with it."

"Thanks."

We shook hands and he left. I grabbed my cell phone and called Rick.

"Hi sexy."

"Hi lover."

"I just wanted to call and suggest that you and Jamie go to a movie or
something so Steve and his Dad can be alone."

"That sounds like a plan. Will you be able to meet us for dinner later?"

"Yeah I think so. I will call when I am on my way. Gotta go."

"Okay, love you."

"I love you too."

I left the doctor's lounge and headed to the nurses station on ICU. Lucky
for me both doctors I wanted to talk to were there, Joel's and Terry's. We
chatted for a few minutes, both telling me that their patients were doing
well and that they signed off on moving them from ICU. Terry was to be
moved first. I went to see him first.

"Hi Terry," I said as I walked in. Terry was alone.

"Hi Dr. Haines."

"How are you feeling today?"

"I'm feeling no pain...for the most part."

"How do you feel about yourself?"

"I really feel that I am who I am, I am gay, I accept that. I feel that I
can try and be happy about it. I don't need to be fixed because there is
nothing to be fixed. I am fine the way I am."

"Good, you have spoken wisely."

Terry smiled and winced at the same time.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

"No, not really. It comes and goes."

The door to his room opened and the nurses and aids came in.

"Well, are you ready to move?" asked one of the nurses.

"I guess, if it means no one when bother me when I am trying to sleep at
night."

The nurses just chuckled.

"Don't bet on it young man," I said.

The connection wires to the monitors were removed. The nurse's aids moved
the bed towards the door along with the two IVs. I moved out of the way and
followed the bed to the room on the second floor.

" I don't have a room mate, great." Terry said noticing the empty bed next
to the window.

"Well, enjoy the privacy for now." I said.

Once Terry was situated, I left and headed to Joel's room.

"Hi there," I said.

"Hi Doctor. Is it time for me to be moved?"

"Yes it is. Are you ready?"

"Yeah, I guess. I have this IV pole to drag with me, but I am ready. Did my
doctor release me to you yet?"

"Nope, you are still in his medical care until tomorrow, after they run
another blood test to see if all the medication you took is completely
gone. Then you are under the '72 hour' observation."

"Okay."

We walked quietly to the elevator.

"How did you sleep last night?"

"Slept through the night. I guess what ever they gave me really worked. Did
you talk to my father?"

"Yes, I did. It didn't go well. Your father is very unhappy about things
and doesn't seem open to any discussion."

"Well, that's my Dad."

The elevator door opened and we walked in.

"What will I do if he can get me moved to one of those places?"

"I don't think he can Joel. You are over 21. He would have to prove that
you are disabled and unable to make any decisions for yourself."

"Okay."

We rode up to the second floor and walked down the hall and entered the
room. The curtain was drawn around the first bed and Joel went over to the
other bed and stood next to the window.

"I am glad I have a window to look out of."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I said.

I walked to the first bed and grabbed the curtain, looked behind it and
opened it.

Joel remained at the window for a few moments. The other patient in the
room looked at me and than at Joel. Joel finally turned around and looked
at the other patient. The looked at each other and the recognition kicked
in.

"Joel, I want you to meet Terry. Terry this is Joel. But I suspect the two
of you already knew that."

Joel walked over to Terry's bed and looked down upon him.

"Hi Terry. How are you doing?"

"I am doing better. And you Joel, how are you doing?"

"I am doing good now."

Joel took Terry's left hand into his.

"Well, I am going to take off. I will see you guys tomorrow. Don't get into
any trouble, the nurses on this floor can be really mean when it comes to
punishment." I said with a smirk.

Joel looked up at me.

"We won't and thank you for putting us together. We have a lot to talk
about."

"I figured you guys did. I will be here early in the morning to chat with
both of you."

"Okay." They both said in unison.

I headed out and hoped to catch Rick and Jamie for dinner after their
movie.


>From Joel's perspective:


The door closed behind Dr. Haines. I turned towards Terry and I was still
in a slight shock over the way he looked. The stitches, the bruises...they
really did do a number on him.

"How are you...really, Terry?"

"I am some pain. I am a mess."

"May I look?"

"Sure."

I took the sheet and moved away from Terry's body. The bandages on his
chest were tight. His stomach was dark purple. His groin area was dark
purple as well.

"Does it look that bad, Joel?"

"I just...ah...never seen anything one hurt like this before."

I found myself looking at Joel's penis a little to long for him not to
notice.

"What is it Joel?"

"I haven't seen one like that before."

"What?"

"An uncircumcised penis."

"Ah, no big deal. I was a premature baby and they didn't do it. Does it
bother you?"

"Nope, not at all."

I moved the sheet back up over Terry.

"I like your brother Kevin. He seems really nice and he cares about you a
lot."

"I know, I guess I really didn't notice him much the last couple of
years. I need to get to know him."

"Yeah, I always wished I had a brother sometimes. My parents didn't have
anymore kids after me."

I took his hand in mine again. I hadn't held another hand since I was with
Brian. I closed my eyes thinking about Brian and remembering how it felt to
be touched by him.

"Joel, what are you thinking about?"

"Brian."

"The guy in the dream who stood up for you?"

"Yeah, I miss him."

"What happen to you two?"

"Well, you heard some of it in the dream...do you remember that?"

"Yes, some of it."

I told Terry the story about Brian and me. When I finished, I realized he
was holding my

hand tightly. It felt really nice. I felt his compassion for me.

"Joel, I am so sorry about what happen to you."

"Thanks. What about you, what happened?"

Terry told me his story. How he struggled with his life and his father.

"Terry, I am sorry for that. I am having trouble with my father now that he
knows. He wants to put me in one of those 'behavior modification'
facilities to 'cure' me of my sexual attraction to guys."

"Do you want to go through something like that?"

"No, I don't. I knew when I took the pills that nothing would help me
change."

"I am glad the pills didn't work."

"Me too."

"Do you want to talk about the dream?"

I looked at Terry, his eyes were soft and blue and so full of hopefulness.

"Yeah, we could."

"How much do you remember?"

"I believe all of it."

"Me, too."

"Do you remember how you felt during the dream?"

"Yes, and holding Gary's hand helped a lot."

Terry closed his eyes.

"I didn't realize he was holding my hand until..."

I moved my hand to the top of his head. I don't know why I feel so
comfortable with Terry to touch him like this.

"Until the white light?"

"Yeah."

"The light was so awesome."

"I know."

Terry opened his eyes and smiled up at Joel.

"I like you holding my hand."

"You do?" I asked.

"Yeah, I do."

"I do too, Terry."

It felt like we had known each other all our lives, but yet in reality,
this is the first time we have ever met.

"Joel?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about...it?"

"Terry, we aren't suppose to."

I felt Terry's hand squeeze mine.

"I think we need to."

"You remember that?"

"Yes."

I am afraid to think about it. It was something that we aren't suppose to
tell anyone.

"Terry, we promised?"

"Joel, we promised not to talk about it with anyone else, but not with each
other."

He was right, we hadn't.

"I don't know Terry, it was pretty intense."

"I know it was, but I am not a Mormon, I need to understand what it was all
about."

"Oh Terry, I don't know if I am ready to talk about it."

"We both ended our stories about the dream when the white light engulfed
the room, right?"

"Yes."

"But after the white light went away, what we saw and what we heard..."



The end of Chapter 24


(Author's note: I recommend FIDDLER ON THE ROOF to watch. It was released
in 1971 and received 8 Academy Award nominations including Best Picture,
Best Director, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor. In the picture
category, it was nominated with NICHOLAS AND ALEXANDRA, THE FRENCH
CONNECTION, THE LAST PICTURE SHOW and A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. FIDDLER ON THE
ROOF lost the Oscar to THE FRENCH CONNECTION. It did win 3 Oscars. The best
supporting actor nominee was Leonard Frey, who appeared in the 1970 movie
THE BOYS IN THE BAND. The first gay themed movie I ever saw with an
ensemble cast directed by William Friedkin, who won the Oscar for Best
Director for THE FRENCH CONNECTION. Five of the cast members of THE BOYS IN
THE BAND have all died from AIDS or complications there of, including
Leonard Frey. I also recommend THE BOYS IN THE BAND.)