Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 10:37:21 -0800 (PST) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 25 adult/youth Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 25 (Author's notes: The usual legal copyright claims.) >From Rick's perspective: I got a call from Jim that he was leaving the hospital and would meet me Jamie and me at Damon's for dinner together. Jamie and I had just seen CONSTANTINE with Keanu Reeves. Interesting movie. Good vs. evil. Jamie and I arrived before Jim and we took our seats where we could see the big screen TVs. I love the prime rib. "What are you going to have Jamie?" "Not sure yet. What does Dad get when he is here?" "Your Dad gets the prime rib, like me." Jamie gave me a smirk. "Do you and Dad like EVERYTHING together?" "Well, smartass, we do have a lot of things in common. I guess that's why we have been together so long." "I guess it helps that you two love each other." "Yes, the most important part." "Do you think Steve and I will be together as long as you and Dad?" "That depends on you two and how well you work at it together. For your Dad and me, it just seems so natural doing the things we do." "Steve and I usually talk and agree on most everything." "I guess not everything when you two didn't tell each other how you felt about going on your missions." "I just thought I was doing what he wanted." "But you never asked did you?" "The relationship your Dad and I have, we don't assume, we express ourselves. It saves a lot of time and grief in the long run." "Have you and Dad ever had a really bad argument?" "No, I don't recall that we have. Have you had Steve had problems?" "No, not really. We have been able to talk about most things." "Are you worried about Steve and his father talking today?" "Some. I think I know Steve, he should be alright." I looked up and saw Jim walk in and I waved him over to us. "Hi guys, boy am I hungry." Jim said. "So I guess we are ready to order?" I asked. "Yes." Jim and Jamie said together. I got the attention of the waiter and we all ordered the prime rib. "How did you meeting with Steve's dad go, Dad?" "I think it went well. I told him to talk to Steve. He was reluctant and I pushed the issue, he finally relented." "Thanks, Dad. I know that Steve really needed to talk to him." "How is he doing with all this Jamie?" "He's hurt that his Dad threw him out of the house and that his Mother wouldn't even talk to him." "Well, not surprising. I have seen worst when parents find out that their son is gay." "Did you guys even discuss what would happen if you got caught?" "Yes, we did, just last weekend. Just didn't expect it to even really happen. But it did." "Have you guys discussed what you want to do now that it is out in the open?" "Well, we are going to back to school tomorrow and act like nothing as changed. I don't our friends will find out but if they do, they will just have to accept it." "And what about where you guys are going to live?" I wondered when Jim would get to this. "I...or...we were hoping we could stay with you and Rick until we went to college in the fall, that is if it's alright with both of you." "You do, hmm..." Jim turned to me and asked, "What do you think, Rick?" "Well, Jim, I don't have a problem with that. Though I would have to set some rules for the house." "Jamie, what ever Rick has in mind, I probably won't disagree with." "First, you and Steve need to find jobs. Since you are both 18, you should start paying your own way. We will only charge you rent. Second, you guys need to keep things clean like your bedroom and bathroom." Jamie looked at his Dad and Jim just nodded his head yes. "Third, you guys will keep your bedroom door closed at all times. We will respect your privacy and you will respect ours." "Okay." Jamie said. "Fourth, in house public displays of affections should be limited to kissing and touching ABOVE the waist. I was a teenager once myself, so I know how you guys think." The look on Jamie's face was priceless. "RICK!...please give us more credit than that." Jim and I both cracked up at his indignation. The food arrived and we all enjoyed the prime rib. >From Steve's perspective: "Hi Dad, come in." I said as I opened the door. "Thank you, Steven." Dad and I sat down on the sofa facing each other. Dad looked like he really didn't want to be here. We both were very uncomfortable. "Steve, I really don't know where to begin. I am kind of lost on all this." "What do you want me to say, Dad? That I am not gay? I can't do that." "So, you are sure you are gay?" "Yes. I have known since I was 12. I couldn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself until one day I just had to tell Jamie. We were best friends and we always told each other everything. Jamie confided in me that he felt the same way." "I guess you couldn't talk to me about this?" "Not this Dad, not this." "I guess it would have been more difficult if you had told me when you were 12, maybe I could have gotten you some help." "No, Dad, there is no need of help. I am happy with who I am and I am with." Dad closed his eyes and leaned back against the sofa. "It is so wrong Steve. Everything about it is so wrong. This isn't what I wanted for you." "It isn't what I would have wanted either. But it is the way I am. I feel nothing when it comes to girls." "So there is no way that you could..." "Be normal? No." Dad's face looked pained. "You know how the church feels about homosexuality." "I have read everything I could find on the internet and in the scriptures. Even that horrible video you brought home from the ward library where President Kimball talks about sex, masturbation and homosexuality and every thing seemed to point to shame and guilt. . You had me watch the video with Bryce and Bobby. Dad, did you ever watch that video?" "No." "Well I was embarrassed for me and my brothers. There we are watching the President of the Church talk about the evils of masturbation. Scaring us into believing that masturbation would lead to mutual masturbation and that would lead ultimately to homosexuality giving us all the impression that we could all 'turn into' a homosexual. Like turning into a vampire. I was 13 years old, by brothers weren't yet 12 and they looked terrified. So there we were, too scared to even touch ourselves for bathing or urinating. I later felt that the church teaches with fear and intimidation to inflict guilt before committing these sins. Was that you intention, for us to live in fear of 'maybe' doing something?" "Yes, it was how I was raised. It is how I live, in fear of not reaching the goals for my family to receive what has been promised in the afterlife. We are the chosen people to teach the world and be its example. And now, look at me, dealing with this. This is incredibly selfish of you, Steven, this isn't how you were raised." "I was raised to be a good and honest person. With love and with strict adherence to the laws of life as outlined by the church." "What's wrong with that, Steve?" "It isn't for everyone, Dad. Religion is a choice, an interpretation of the history of man's faith in God. With the scriptures as a guide, we are given lessons and prophecies. We were also given 'Free will' to determine what is right for us or not. It isn't always about how you live your life but what is in your heart." "Yes it is about how you live your life. For the good works that you do, the faith that you carry. You can't have faith and be homosexual. It is not right and it is evil. It is obvious that the Devil has worked his magic on you." "Oh, really, I can't feel faithful and be homosexual at the same time? How do you know, Dad, how do you know?" I went to the Bishop to see what I should do. I didn't get any answers other than...'go with what's in my heart'...and that hasn't helped. Your Mom and I angry with you, probably more for finding you two like that." "I am sorry about that Dad, that isn't how we wanted you and Mom to find out. I knew that someday I would have to tell you, but I wasn't ready to." Dad sat there for a while, thinking. "Jamie's dad told me you two have been sexually active for 4 years now. I still can't believe it." "Well, Dad, it's true. No one else knew until a few weeks ago when Jamie's other dad sort of figured it out. Jamie's dad and Rick have been together for over 10 years, they are very happy. I know I have that with Jamie." Dad became quiet for a moment, I am sure he was gathering his thoughts. "We had a family meeting last night. It didn't go well." He said. "I figured it wouldn't." "You knew about the meeting?" "Yeah, Bryce and Bobby called Jamie's mother to find out where I was. They called and wanted to make sure I was okay and I had someplace to stay." "Your brothers and sisters love you." "I know, I am very blessed that way." "They told me I was wrong for taking you out of the home. They told me you were family, family comes first no matter what." "And you are not sure about that?" "I am a faithful man. I did what I thought was expected of me do." "I know Dad, it doesn't make it right." "I grew up in Utah, we never were faced with anything like this." "Do you really think that there aren't any homosexuals in Utah?" Dad just closed his eyes, looking like he was trying not to visualize the reality. "Dad, Mormon families are not exempt from having a gay member." Dad turned towards me, his eyes burning like I have never seen before. "Not in my family." "Yes, Dad, even your family." Shaking his head, he got up and walked over to the window. I stood up and walked over to him. "Dad, I am still your son. I am still apart of this family. I love my family, I don't want to lose that." "Give this up, Steven. Don't do this." "I can't Dad. I can't do that. What if you father told you not to be yourself and you shouldn't love my mother." "It isn't the same. I am normal." "And I am not?" "No. Homosexuals are not good for the world." "How do you know, you never even paid attention them. You never said anything to us about homosexuals when I was growing up. You taught us not discriminate against anyone. Your children are demonstrating that to you." "It is wrong and not normal, the scriptures and the gospel tells us it is wrong. It's illegal what you are doing." "No it isn't Dad. Sodomy laws have been ruled unconstitutional years ago. I am not doing anything illegal, just immoral in your eyes...since I am not normal in your eyes." Dad turned to me. "I can't accept this." "I am not asking you to accept it." "But if I let you remain in the family I am." "No. I would love for you to accept it, but I know that won't happen. I just ask that you respect me and my life, know that I am happy." "You can't be happy. It is the deception of evil. You only think you are happy, but in reality you are sinning against God and everything he stands for." Dad started to do something I haven't seen before. He started crying. He took me in his arms and held me. "I remember when you were a baby, how you would hug me all the time, tell me you love me, that I felt like I was your hero, when you were so innocent, and all you had in your world was me, your mother, and your twin brothers. Now, your arms are hugging me and I can still feel that love you have for me. But it has changed now." He released me and stepped back. "I know you are my son. I had dreams for you. I was raising you and your brothers and sisters in the gospel way. I wanted for you what I had, the righteous life, your mission, your marriage, your children and finally what Heavenly Father has promised us in heaven. I fear that you won't be there with the rest of us." "I know Dad, it is everything you wanted. You. The way we lived, dressed, thought, even how we prayed right down to the very words sometimes we said in our prayers. It was always what you wanted, always being rigid in the church doctrine. Stern, determined to follow every doctrine ever written by the church, right Dad?" "Yes." "You believe every word to the utmost definition and you follow it like your life depended on it for fear of losing everything? Right?" "Yes." "I don't agree, Dad. You haven't been totally diligent in that regard, Dad." "I have." "Okay, I know you follow the Word of Wisdom...smoking, drinking etc." "Yes." "You have always paid your tithing, full and uncompromisingly?" "Yes." "You follow the Doctrine and Covenants as written by with divine reevaluations as given to Joseph Smith?" "Yes." "Then why did you 'disobey' the covenant written in D&C 74, Dad?" "What?" "Circumcision, Dad." "What are you talking about, Steven?" "Why was I circumcised, Dad?" "What does that have to do with this discussion?" "It has to do with the point I am making with you. I believe the church is not infallible. I believe you are not infallible." "I don't understand." "Okay. The church teaches that smoking and drinking are bad for our health. And it has been proven that that is correct. Health officials started issuing statements in that regard a hundred years after it was written in the Word of Wisdom. In D&C 74, the revelation was to have 'children remain' from circumcision. In other words Dad, the revelation from Heavenly Father, given to Joseph Smith as part of the church doctrine plainly says NOT to practice circumcision. My question to you Dad is, was the revelation given to Joseph Smith wrong and that is why you disregarded it when you had me and my brothers circumcised?" "I did what I thought was right, for health issues." "So you are saying that you 'know' better than the revelations of the scriptures?" Dad just stared at me. I knew he didn't want to admit it. "I only did what I thought was right." "So the revelation from Heavenly Father was wrong Dad? Is that what you are saying?" Dad stood there. I have never before seen him lost for words. "Dad, you are infallible. You can be wrong. The church is infallible. The church can be wrong. Through out history, the church has changed with the tide of the political atmosphere. It may not change its attitude about homosexuals, but nothing will happen if people don't speak out about it. A church...so devoted to the ideal of 'family', that it actual hurts families with its lack of understanding about homosexuals. We are people too. We can still love our families, we can still love the scriptures, we can still love Heavenly Father, we can be faithful in all the other teachings of our religion...but we are shunned because we have a 'natural' inclination towards the same sex. Without regard to reality, the church believes that homosexuality is a 'mental illness', an affliction capable of 'overcoming'. That was the official medical belief over 20 years ago. It isn't now. It is the physical makeup of the individual. When they say you are born with same sex attraction, it is true. I believe it." "You can still be apart of the church. Take your mission and live your life righteously." "I know that plan Dad, get married and have kids. I can't do that. I have no sexual feelings or attractions to girls. If I followed the church plan, at least to the point of not practicing any sexual actions, being celibate, than I will never know personal happiness or love and that is not in the plan of life God has for us." "You can have personal satisfaction that you didn't give in to the devil and his ways to divert you from life's promised glories." "You are not listening are you Dad? I am who I am, I intend on being happy and content with my life. If my one character flaw in your eyes is my being gay, than I can't be so bad." "Oh yes, of all the things you could be, that is the one you shouldn't be." "Well, I am. So where do you and I go from here? Are you going to close your heart to me Dad?" Dad turned from me and moved towards the door. He gripped the door handle and just stood there, not moving. He was in thought and I am fear what he is going to say. Finally, without turning... "Steve, I don't think it would be good for you to come around the house, I don't want you to see your brothers and sisters or you mother. I feel that you would be a bad influence upon them. When you have come to your senses and are willing to repent this lifestyle that you have entered and are willing to live in accordance to the church and scripture teachings, only than will you be welcome back to the family." I was stunned to hear those words, but not entirely surprised. "I am disappointed Dad. Disappointed in you as my father. You have closed your heart to me, and that is the saddest thing I have ever known. I suspect that you are not proud of yourself for doing this since you couldn't look me in the eye and tell me. Can you look into the eyes of your other children and tell them you are right about this? I don't believe that they will ever forgive you, Dad. Not for this. Not for a long time." His head dropped. "I love you, Dad. I always will." With those last words, Dad turned the doorknob and walked out the door. The end of Chapter 25