Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 10:26:53 -0800 (PST) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 27 adult/youth Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 27 (Author's notes: The usual legal reminders here. The story is owned and all rights reserved by me.) >From Jim's perspective: He closed the door after himself after our session. I really feel for this young man who was recently diagnosed HIV. He came to see me to help him live with his "affliction" as he called it. I have had to do this so many times and I probably will send him to group with Rick at the center. The knock at the door told me that Tyler was here. He called to see if I could see him this afternoon. I opened the door and he came in and sat down. Tyler sat there. Quiet. His eyes closed, like he was in pray. "Tyler?" Slowly he raised his head and opened his eyes. The pain was evident on his face. "You aren't dealing so well with this are you?" "I...thought I was strong enough..." "Strong enough?" "To be strong enough to endure anything. Even this. With my faith and pray, I believed I was tougher than this." "Tyler...you are human. Humans experience the pain of loss all the time. Some do it quietly. Some do it with anger. Some seek answers to questions that never will be. Some cry out to God asking 'why'. Some turn into themselves, withdrawing into a life of isolation and depression, promising never to put their heart out there again to be hurt." Tyler closed his eyes again. Almost slumping in the chair. I got up and moved to the chair next to his. "I don't know why some people never feel this kind of loss. Are they blessed? I don't know, maybe not. In our life, we are expected to experience many wondrous and marvelous things. We experience the joy of love...to love and be loved. One's life may never be complete until the expression of love or the acceptance of love has left its mark on their heart." I watch Tyler take it in. "Tyler, you have loved and felt the love of another human being. The greatest gift God can give us is that simple human emotion. It completes our need for existence. It binds us into families. Nurtures our growth into spiritual beings. And with it comes a price sometimes, higher than we ever bargained for." Tears appeared beneath his eyelids as they fell upon his cheeks and ran down his face. He made no effort to wipe them away. "When you talk with Heavenly Father, expressing your sorrows and grief, you need to remember that it was He who brought Gary into your life. You felt his love and that's is what you need to celebrate." "I lost it, I lost his love." "No you didn't. He still loves you. If you believe anything, believe that." "I know my faith, I am being punished for being gay." "So you think that God is punishing you for being gay and having sex with men?" Tyler shook his head. "I don't know what to think now. I'm lost. I pray and get no answers." "So you assume that your punishment was to take Gary away from you?" "Yes." "No Tyler, God doesn't punish us. We punish ourselves, that's what God leaves to us to do. . Sometimes it's called 'guilt'. Guilt is only self-inflicted. Guilt is only overcome by forgiveness. And we can only find forgiveness in our hearts. But grief, to suffer the loss of a loved one is a monumental expression of sorrow. Grief is always overcome with time. You will hate that 'time' at first, than, like a soothing blanket it soon gives you peace of mind and peace in your heart." "But it does hurt, you told me it would." "Yes, Tyler, it does hurt. It is the kind of pain that I don't envy anyone having. But it is sometimes a life experience that God thought you maybe needed. Why, I don't know your path of life, what he has in store for you. But this one moment in your life, you will never forget. Of all the moments one remembers at the dawn of their existence, only a handful will remain. This one is one of yours. But it won't be about the pain or the grief. It will be about Gary and what he meant to you. And that is one of the great gifts God has given you." This time Tyler wiped his tears away and was nodding his head yes. "Is Travis still staying with you?" "Yes. I told him he didn't have to." "Travis loves you Tyler. He wants to do anything for you now. But he feels handicapped because he can't take the pain away for you. By staying, it helps him to be near you. He will leave when he feels the time is right." "I thought I was tougher and stronger than this. I heard what you told me in the hospital and I felt that it wouldn't be that way for me." Tyler eyes got big and tears started again. Struggling he said, "It hit me so hard. I can't help it." "You have to let it out Tyler, it is all apart of the process. You can't keep it in. You are only human and this is human emotion." I gave him some time to absorbed and grieve. I got up and went to my bookcase and pulled the book. "When you first came to me I gave you THE FRONT RUNNER to read." "I know. I loved the book." "Here's HARLAN'S RACE, the second book in the series. I want you to start reading it today. Okay?" "Okay," he said taking the book. "I actually liked it better than THE FRONT RUNNER. So you know it has to be good." Tyler nodded his yes. "Tyler, I want you to come back on Thursday." He nodded. "How did you sleep last night?" "Better than the night before." "I know about that night, I spoke to Travis." "How does he know?" "Don't underestimate your brother. He was up half the night as well making sure you were alright." "Yeah?" "Yes. So don't be so quick to push him out the door, alright?" "Okay." "You have my number if it's too much for you, okay?" "Yes." Tyler got up and came over to me and gave me a hug. "Thanks." As he reached the door, I said "I have some news for you, Tyler." Tyler turned around. "I have two people who would like to meet you." "Who?" "The names are Adam and Aaron. I met them today. I think you might want to meet them." "Why?" "You might remember them as Elder Lewis and Elder Martin." "Gary's missionaries?" Tyler seemed to brighten up a little at this information. "Yes, I do." "I have suggested that you and Kevin meet with them on Thursday afternoon, after our session." "That would be fine. I look forward to it." "Tyler...they had the dream too." Tyler looked at me and for the first time today, I saw him smile. "Really? They did? Great." He said. Then as if in an afterthought "How are Joel and Terry?" "They have been moved into the same room and are doing fine. Joel will probably be released on Thursday morning, so he may be here too." "Great, I should go visit them. I might do that this evening. See ya." He turned and left. I wrote my notes into his file and I am optimistic to maybe finding out what this dream was really all about. >From Joel's perspective: I was dumbfounded, stunned and shocked. I looked over at Terry who seemed totally unfazed by this revelation. "So you guys run an adult theatre with X rated movies?" Terry asked. Adam and Aaron just chuckled. "I guess Adam can never quite explain things correctly. We show movies of all ratings, G, PG, PG13, R and NC17, even unrated movies. But we don't allow anyone under 18 in. And, no, we don't show those kind of X rated movies." Aaron explained. "So, if you are playing a Disney movie, I can't take my family to the movie?" "If they are over 17, yes." What a minute. What the heck? Am I the only one who was paying attention here? "Terry, don't you get it?" "What, Joel?" "Who they are?" "Yeah, these guys want us to come to work for them and pay for college. I like them all ready." "TERRY!!!!!" "WHAT?" "Didn't you hear them tell us who they are?" I glanced up at Adam and Aaron who seemed to be enjoying this conversation between us. "Yeah, they are Adam and Aaron and they said they were...." Terry got this look. It was one of those 'priceless' looks. Adam and Aaron started to crack up. "NO WAY. Can't be." Terry said totally stunned. "I know." I said. "How did you guys...ah...you guys are too old...ah...." Terry was so cute being so flustered. "Well, if you guys don't have anywhere to go, it's kind of a long story about us." Adam said. "Funny." I said. "We can't go anywhere." Adam and Aaron just chuckled. "Yeah we know. I don't think Terry is going anywhere for awhile and you can't exactly leave." Aaron said. "Okay, so, we are your captive audience, though I have a lot of questions." I said. Adam and Aaron pulled up the chairs to Terry's bed. I too sat down next to Terry. By this time I was holding Terry's hand without being conscience of it. My handholding didn't escape our two friends here. "I see things have developed between you two?" Aaron said. I blushed when I realized that I was holding Terry's hand in front of them. "It's okay." Adam said, "We expected that to happen." I just looked at them, now with more questions in my mind. Then Adam spoke. "I know this is going to be a lot of things to hear at once. But we are here because we knew we had to find you. In actuality, we were the ones found. Dr. Haines, knowing about the dream from those involved, made some phone calls to a couple of church Bishops he knows. Since the Bishops have the connections to track people down, the doctor gave them the information about Gary and asked if they could find the missionaries who taught him in Ohio. The church records were checked and we were located to our hometowns. My mother got a call late last night asking about me. My mother told the Bishop that my missionary companion and I were business partners here in Houston. So, the Bishop called me last night and explained that Gary had passed away and that we were being searched out. The Bishop had no clue why, but assured me that it was important and that I give Dr. Haines a call. I called him this morning and we met him here at the hospital and had quite a conversation." "So this was Dr. Haines' doing than?" I asked. "Oh yes, we like him a lot. He said he wanted to play out a hunch he had about Adam and I having the dream too. He was right." "Wow!" Terry said. "But you guys are so old, at least 40." "I figure that we appeared as we did because that is how Gary knew us, when were 20 and 21 respectfully. That was part of Gary's influence on the dream." Adam said. "And as for saying we're 'old', I want you to know Terry, that we haven't hit 40 yet, Aaron will hit it first though." "So, you were going to find us?" I asked. "Yes," Adam said. "We both knew we had to. We were in Salt Lake City when we had the dream. We were in separate hotel bedrooms. We had had a very long Friday night and we slept in on Saturday. The doctor explained the time frame of the dream that he had from the two young men who appeared to defend Gary and you, Terry." "Yeah, my brother Kevin and our friend Tyler." "Then with the time frame established that we were all sleeping at the same time, it just cemented our convictions about what happened." Aaron said. "Yeah, I would like to talk about what happened." Terry said. "In due time my young friend, in due time." Adam said. "But first we want to explore the how the four of us and Kevin and Tyler were chosen to be a part of this. There has to be a common thread that links us." Aaron said. "I can't imagine what that could be." I said. "Yeah," Terry said. "The two of us and Kevin and Tyler are all gay. That doesn't connect us with you guys." "On the contrary. It does." Aaron said. "We are both gay as well." Adam said. "Wow! Are you two together?" I asked. "No, we aren't. We feel that we are better business partners than lovers." Adam said. "So what you guys said in the dream, you meant?" I asked. "Well, I was rather proud of my summation speech." Adam said. "My wasn't so bad either, buddy." Aaron said. "Great, I am surround by three Mormon men who are gay and I am the lone non-Mormon here. Why doesn't that fit?" Terry asked. "Well, Adam and I figure that being 'chosen' for this isn't necessarily about being Mormon, but maybe who we are connected or related to." "You are saying that maybe, along Mormon history, we may be related somehow?" I asked. "Yeah, that is a possibility." Adam said. "And your actions Terry and Joel that lead you guys to the hospital, at that moment in time when all seven of us were sleeping. Bizarre? Maybe. Coincidental? Maybe. Predestined? I like that one the best." Chuckling, Aaron said " Yeah, this is all Adam has been doing the last couple of days, looking for that encrypted idea or answers found in the scriptures. Trying to make sense of our joint experience together. Ever since he saw NATIONAL TREASURE, it's been looking for that lost 'map' for the Book of Mormon tablets." "Lost map?" I asked. "Yeah, the one that shows the location where Joseph Smith found and reburied the gold tablets." Aaron said. "I didn't know about a lost map." I said. "Neither did I," Aaron said. "What gold tablets and what map?" Terry asked. I looked over at Terry and he looked lost and confused. "Remember, Terry, yesterday, I gave you the brief history of the Mormon Church and how it's founder and first president and prophet found the gold tablets and translated the words into English with a device and the Book of Mormon was presented." I said. "Oh yeah, seemed like a fairy tale to me. How did you guys buy that story, gold tablets and a decoder ring?" Terry asked with a big, evil grin on his face. Adam, Aaron and I all chuckled at Terry's fictional opinion. "You have to understand, Terry, we were raised on that story. It is the foundation of truth for the church. For me, it had to be true since everyone said it was, including my parents." Adam said. "I bore my testimony growing up and on my mission that that story was true." "I did the same thing Terry. It wasn't until I accepted that I was gay that I started looking into the church with more of an inquiring mind." Aaron said. "Did the two of you know you were gay when you were on your missions?" I asked. "Well, I did." Adam said. "Though I though I could overcome it. I was told, by the church leaders I saw, to whom I confessed my feelings to, to get married and don't worry about it. I guess the theory was that once you got married, had sex that you would have your 'cure' somehow of those dreaded same-sex feelings. It wasn't until my third son was born that I resolved my feelings." "For me it was after the mission that the realization hit me that I was gay. Adam and I had never had a clue about the other during our mission time together. We became great friends and went about our lives, Adam married and I didn't. We had kept in touch all those years. We never revealed how we felt until finally, quite by accident." "About five years ago, we had joined this Yahoo group called 'Saints2Gether', it was founded on the basis as a support group to help those with SSA. At 'S2G', we could discuss our feelings about being gay and get encouragement to 'overcome' our issues by diligent faith and the scriptures. I found Aaron posting some pretty strong opinions to the group. I realized who it was and I called him and we talked for hours." "We concluded that the group was beyond us, that we had accepted who we were. We also felt that we were not attracted to each other, but together we entered into the lifestyle." Aaron said. "Besides, we make a great business team." "What I would have to say could be ironic, Aaron's partner is a man we taught and baptized in Ohio. They met online with S2G and the rest is their history." Adam said. "He seemed genuinely surprised to find out that both the missionaries that taught him were gay. Makes me wonder how many gay people we taught and didn't know." "You never know. Being Mormon and gay can be a traumatic experience. For you Terry, the trauma was dealing with your father and I believe your self-loathing for being gay. I remember you looking so angry when we were in the dream and I wonder how real that was. Though you didn't have the struggle of religious convictions, you had your own trials to attend to." Adam said. "I just remember being angry and defiant with my father. Than when he started hitting me, it seem like a relief and a release for me at the same time." Terry said. "But after a short time, I couldn't feel the them hitting and kicking me and I just passed out." I tightened my grip slightly to let Terry know I cared. "That's hard to imagine." Adam said. "But it looks like your life is going to turnaround, now that you got Joel here to look out for you." "Yeah, I might someday say it was worth it, just to meet Joel." Terry said. I leaned down and kissed him that one. "Well, it's like the Professor said in those 'Back To The Future' movie," Adam said. "We all have a history, it just hasn't been written yet." The end of Chapter 27