Date: Fri, 6 May 2005 14:03:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 29  adult/youth

(Author's notes: The following chapter mentions certain levels of church
government. For those who are not LDS the following explanations should
help. A church ward is the collective, local group that fellowships within
the Mormon Church. It is headed by a Bishopric that includes counselors.
There may be more than one ward that uses the Ward or Church building.
Overseeing the wards is the Stake Presidency as the next level of
administration. A word of warning, in early chapters there was sexual
content and it has been awhile since I have included such content. This
chapter includes a brief sexual encounter. )


Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 29


>From Joel's perspective:


It had been a great day until now. Dr. Haines signed my release for the
next morning and I spent the day with Terry, getting to know him better. I
know I will miss him tomorrow when I leave but I know that I will be seeing
him for dinner and tell him about the meeting with Adam and Aaron. So, the
day had been nice until I looked up and saw him standing there.

"Hello, father." I said.

"Joel." He said. "Can we go somewhere to talk?"

"Ah, no Dad, I prefer to have a witness when you talk to me."

"What? A stranger?"

"No, Dad. Terry is not a stranger. He is my boyfriend. He knows
everything."

The look on his face went from stern to sickening.

"YOU have a boyfriend? Are you telling me that you are homosexual and have
no intentions of getting help for your condition?"

"Yes I am a homosexual and no, Dad, I don't have those kind of intentions."

"Fine. I came to give you proper notification that Friday night at 7:00,
you have been called to the ward building by the stake presidency for a
disciplinary hearing."

"Is this your doing Dad, I am not even out of the hospital and you have me
facing excommunication?"

"You should take responsibility for your own actions."

"I know the routine, Dad. And since you are on the stake presidency, you
felt it necessary to expedite the excommunication?"

"Well, you know me. I don't put anything off."

"Fine." I said. "I will be there for you little show."

"Don't be a smart ass, Joel."

"No, Dad, not a smart ass...honest."

With his burning eyes, my father left the room. I sat down on my bed,
almost exhausted from the tension. I never stood up to him before. I closed
my eyes, imagining what his inquisition is going to be like and realizing
it has come down to this.

"Are you okay?" Terry asked me.

I opened my eyes and looked over at him. I could see in his eyes the
concern he had for me.

"Yeah, I am okay."

"What was that all about?"

I got up off the bed and went over to Terry. I felt out his hand and kissed
him.

"Joel, tell me what is going on."

"Okay. Since my father was apparently unable, legally, to have me committed
somewhere for reparative therapy, he has moved to the next step to have me
excommunicated from the church."

"Can he do that?"

"Yes, since he is in the Stake Presidency, he pretty much can do that."

"So does that mean he will excommunicate you from the family?"

"Yeah, I think that will happen when the church does it to me."

"I am so sorry for you Joel, I know it has to hurt."

"It does. But I will get over it." Than I looked into Terry's eyes and
said, " I have someone to share things with."

Terry got a big smile on his face and I reached down and kissed him. It
wasn't just a peck. I really kissed him this time. A soft, slow, seductive
kiss that caused a groan from Terry that came from deep down inside him. I
felt his hand reach up and caress the back of my head as he held me to his
mouth. I felt his tongue trying to part my lips and I let his tongue slip
into my mouth. I sucked on his tongue so strongly that he continued to
moan.  My hand moved down his body and I felt his erection thorough the
sheet. I wrapped my hand around his penis and squeezed gently. I felt his
strength through his penis as seem to stretch to its full hardness. I knew
his cath had been removed this morning, so I knew that he was able and
ready for any action.

"Touch me Joel," Terry moaned at me.

"We have to be careful, here." I said.

"I know, but I need you to touch me, Joel. Please?"

"I don't want to hurt you down there."

"Don't worry. I will tell you if it doesn't feel right."

"Okay."

I moved my hand under the sheet and found his hard erection with my hand. I
wrapped my fingers around it and gently moved his skin up and down. It felt
so different with all that loose skin surrounding his cock. I continued to
kiss him as I stroked him harder and faster. I felt his cock strain itself,
as I knew he wanted to erupt so badly. I threw back his sheet and I watched
his cock as my hand slid the foreskin up and down and then he released his
fluid as it shot all over his chest and belly. I thought he was going to
come right off the bed as his body jerked and spasm and than relaxed and
settled down to a calm and satisfied smile upon his face. I kissed him. I
gazed upon on him in his post orgasmic condition. He looked so much like an
angel.

"I have to clean you up so no one sees us like this."

"I know, it was wonderful, Joel."

"It will only get better, I promise."

"I know."

I found the napkins from lunch and I started to wipe up all the fluid from
his body. I had to wipe it from the bandages that wrapped his chest. I took
two clean napkins to clean his cock as I wiped around the base and his
hair. His foreskin had retracted already so I had to move the skin back to
clean under it. After I cleaned him up, I lowered his gown and covered him
with his sheet.

"Did you like that?" I asked.

"Oh yes, Joel. I did. You have seen and touched me there."

"Yeah."

"I haven't seen you or touched you yet."

"So, you want to see it now?"

"YES!!! I do."

"We have been lucky that no one caught us just now."

"I know, but I really want to see you."

"Okay." I said.

Terry took his free hand and reached down and felt me thorough my
pajamas. It felt nice as he squeezed me. I felt his hand move up and slid
inside my pajamas as he reached for my cock and wrapped his hand around
it. Terry started to slowly stroke it. I hadn't even touched myself like
this since I came home from my mission. I just closed my eyes as I felt
Terry's hand stroke me. I am not going to last long as I can feel months of
holding back beginning to build up.

Then it hit me hard as I shot my fluid over and over again as I sprayed the
side of the bed and Terry's arm. Terry took the fluid and used it as lube
as he continued to stroke me. I had to hang on to the railing of the bed so
I didn't collapse as I had gone weak in the knees. I had to tell myself to
breathe.

"Joel?"

Terry was calling my name and I was coming around to the reality of what we
had just done. Our relationship had moved up to the level of touching and I
liked it. I opened my eyes and looked down at Terry's hand as it continued
to stroke my fluid covered cock.  His hand would move up and cover the head
and than back down to the base. I wasn't getting soft. It stayed hard. I
didn't want him to stop but I felt my semen was starting to feel sticky so
I backed away from his hand.

"I need to clean us both up."

"That was great Joel. I liked what I saw and felt."

"I can tell. You're still hard yourself."

Laughing, Terry said, "Yeah, look who turns me on, sexy."

I smiled and moved to the bathroom to clean myself up. I grabbed some wet
paper towels and threw them at Terry so he could clean himself up as I
started to clean myself up. I wetted some towels and started to clean my
cock off, it still felt tingly. I loved the way I felt with Terry. The
realization that I can go on without Brian was exhilarating.

"Hurry up in there, I want to kiss you."

"Okay, okay...I am coming."

I finished cleaning up and pushed myself back into the pajamas. It was
still hard. I walked back into the room and kissed Terry. I also saw that
he hadn't gone done either.

"We both still have a problem."

With a twinkle in his eye, Terry said, "I know, I know. I love it."

I smiled at him. I finished wiping him down.

"Down boy. We have all the time in the world to enjoy each other."

"I know. There are so many things I want to do to you and want you to do to
me."

"You keep this up and we will both stay 'up'".

"I thought you said we were going to wait, Joel. What happened?"

"I just couldn't help myself, it was the kiss. I couldn't resist you at
that point."

"Yeah, Joel," Terry said, "You keep kissing me like that and there will
never be resistance ever."

I smiled at him. I am sure I blushed at that.  I looked down at the bed and
floor and realized I needed to clean those areas up.

We spent the rest of the evening cuddling and touching each other. I told
Terry we had to behave and we would explore further each other after Terry
was released.  Terry's doctor came in and said everything looked good and
he might let Terry come home over the weekend. The next morning I was
released to my mother. I kissed Terry goodbye and told him I would be back
to have dinner with him.



>From Jim's perspective:



I looked at Tyler as he sat in my office. Looking tired and haggard. Tyler
isn't sleeping much and I wonder whether I should prescribe something to
help him sleep.

"Have you been reading the book, Tyler?"

"Yes, I am nearly done with it."

"Harland had a hard time too."

"That's just fiction. That story isn't real. This is my reality."

I paused for a minute, hoping he would say something else. But he didn't.

"I gave you THE FRONT RUNNER to help you deal with being gay. I thought it
might hit home with your feelings. You came around and accepted whom you
are. I gave you HARLAN'S RACE to help you realize that you can go on with
your life. Gary would not want you to grieve like this."

"You can't tell me how to grieve."

"I know I can't. All I can do is help you deal with it. But you aren't
dealing with it. You are embracing it and I am concerned about that."

Tyler looked down at the floor.

"I don't want to do this."

"What?" I asked.

"This."

We sat there for a few minutes. The buzzer on my desk phone went off
letting me know that my next appointment was here.

"Tyler, would you excuse me for a minute? I will be right back."

Tyler nodded his head and I left my office. I entered the waiting room and
saw Adam and Aaron sitting there. I welcomed them and shook their hands and
sat down with them.

"I am not sure Tyler is ready for this meeting with you two."

"Why?" asked Adam.

"Tyler is deep in depression over Gary. Whatever you two have to say about
the dream, may not be good for him at this time."

Adam and Aaron looked thoughtful. Then Adam's eyes light up.

"May I go talk to him, privately, Doctor?" Adam asked.

I thought about that for a few moments. Adam assured me he only had Tyler's
best interest at heart. I allowed him to go in.



>From Adam's perspective:



I knocked on the door to Doctor Haines office and than entered and walked
over to Tyler.

"Hi Tyler, my name is Adam."

"Hi. Who are you?"

"You don't recognize me?"

"Should I? Have we met?"

"Yes and yes." I said.

Tyler took a moment to think. I could see his mind working. His eyes looked
me over. I looked him over myself. Tyler's a handsome young man. Something
struck me about him inside and I recognized that feeling within.

Tyler met my eyes.

"Are you one of the missionaries that taught Gary?"

"Yes, I am. Tyler."

"You look so much older."

I gave him a big smile.

"Yes, I am older."

"But how?" Tyler asked.

"Well, Aaron and I figured that it was Gary's dream and we appeared as he
remembered us. So you saw what he saw."

"Aaron?"

"Yes. My missionary companion who was also in the dream."

"Is he here with you?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Well, Doctor Haines actually found us. He thought that we could help you
and Joel and Terry, if we both had the dream. We did."

"How is that?"

"I think he thought that our mutual experiences with the dream would help
reconcile all of us with that experience."

Tyler thought for a moment.

"Yes, Dr. Haines told me he found you two. You do know that we are all gay,
right?"

"Yes, I do. Aaron and I are also gay."

"Wow."

"I know you are really hurting over losing Gary. Why don't you tell me
about Gary as he was now and I will tell you about Gary as he was when we
knew him."

"Okay."



>From Jim's perspective:



Aaron and I sat there and chatted about our lives in the church and our
relationships. I started to really like Aaron as we had some things in
common. I invited him, his partner and Adam to dinner some night with Rick
and me. When Joel came through the door, I hadn't realized that Adam had
been with Tyler now for nearly an hour.

"Hi Doctor Haines." Joel said.

"Hi Joel." I said.

"Hi Aaron." Joel said.

"Hi Joel. Glad to see you again."

"Thanks."

Behind Joel, Kevin came walking in.

"Hi Kevin."

"Hi Doctor Haines."

We made introductions around and headed to the conference room I use for
group sessions. Conversations went on until Adam and Tyler joined us. Tyler
looked better than he did when I left him. Maybe Adam had a good effect on
him. With everyone seated and further introductions completed the meeting
began.

Adam and Aaron began the discussion.

"Aaron and I would like to thank Dr. Haines for bringing us together."

"Yes, it was a blessing that you had the wisdom to look for us."

"You guys are welcome." I said.

Aaron looked around the room at the young men seated at the table. He
leaned over and whispered something to Adam. Adam nodded his head.

"I don't feel comfortable doing this like this. Not all of us are here."
Aaron said.

Adam turned to me.

"Doctor, could you call the hospital and see if we can get a private area
to meet so we can include Terry in our meeting?"

"Yes, let me call and check."

I pulled out my cell phone and called and made arrangements to meet at the
hospital in 30 minutes. This was in full agreement with everyone. Joel and
Kevin really seemed happy about the change. Everyone headed to the hospital
and I stayed behind to meet with another patient.



>From Tyler's perspective:


We entered into the room and found Terry already there sitting in a wheel
chair. Joel went right to him. I suspect they have grown close. Adam was so
nice to me when we talked about Gary. I really like him. Aaron and Adam had
us all sit down and the meeting began.

"Okay guys. I am Adam and this is Aaron. By now, you should know that we
are the two missionaries in the dream. We asked to meet with you guys to
feed our curiosity about the dream. We also would like to go over our offer
for all of you to come to work for us."

"Adam and I want to pay for your educations. But in return, you fellows
have to work for us. With good pay and benefits. We will teach you the
theater business from the ground up. We do this because we have had an
experience, thanks to Gary, that will none of us will ever
forget. Personally, I feel a closeness to you guys that I can't really
explain, but I like it."

"As you can see, even in the dream we like to facilitate meetings. We both
know that we are like a tag team. I start something, Adam finishes it."

"So, we think to start everything off is for Tyler and Kevin tell Aaron and
me what your remember from the dream."

Kevin retold his version and I retold mine. Terry and Joel told of their
experience and hopefully so everyone could understand how exact each of our
recollections were.


>From Joel's perspective:


I only told up to the time when Gary passed through the veil.  I don't
think Terry quite understood, but he took my lead and didn't go any
further.

Adam and Aaron told their version in the 'tag team' routine of theirs. I
found it amusing how without skipping a beat they would continue the chain
of thoughts.

The meeting concluded with all the information about going to work for Adam
and Aaron. I was asked to stay.

I stayed behind as Kevin and Tyler helped Terry back to his room. I sat
there at the table looking at Adam and Aaron wondering why I was asked to
stay.

"Aaron and I have talked about this dream over and over again. From this
meeting, we know that Kevin and Tyler only remember their participation in
the dream and nothing else."

Adam looked at Aaron, than turned towards me.

"Joel, does Terry remember 'everything' about the dream?"

I thought for a while before I answered. Suddenly I felt uncomfortable with
Adam and Aaron.

Apparently they sensed it.

"Joel? Are you in love with Terry?"

I looked down. I didn't want to look into their eyes.

"To be honest, I think I am falling in love with him. Though I never
expected to love anyone again."

"It's okay, Joel. As we told both of you before, we expected it." Aaron
said.

"You want to protect him don't you?" Adam asked.

"Yes, I do. He needs me. I need him. We...I..."

Aaron took my hand. I looked up at him.

"Joel, it is absolutely right that you have these feelings for Terry. To
want to protect him from everything, but you can't. He has to know the
truth and you can not keep that from him."

"I know. It's just that he isn't one of us."

"Yes he is, Joel. He's gay like us."

"He's not a Mormon." I said. "He doesn't understand the implications of all
of this and what we all witnessed before the end of the dream, I am afraid
it will be too much for him to comprehend."

"Than you need to teach him."

"What?"

"The lessons?"

"Yes, all of it."

"He isn't religious minded. I don't think he is interested in the Mormons
or it's complicated history."

"Joel," Adam began, "You can reach him like no one else. You are connected
to him. You have to teach him so he can learn and appreciate how 'chosen'
we four are."

"Chosen are we?" I asked.

"You know we are." Aaron said.

"I don't want to be 'chosen'. I want to go on with my life with Terry and
forget about this. Did I tell you that I am facing the Stake and Bishopric
with disciplinary action tomorrow night? I am going to be excommunicated
for being a homosexual. I just wish all this didn't matter, but it does."

"No, we didn't know that."

"My father is in the Stake Presidency. He is in a big hurry to write me
off."

Aaron was still holding my hand.

"Joel, are you afraid that if you teach Terry and help him understand what
we witnessed and it's implications that you did it to protect 'us' as the
chosen and your feelings towards him were just a way to keep him close?"

"Yes. I lost my heart to Brian and than lost him. I am losing my heart to
Terry and I don't think I could bear losing him too."

"Joel, your feelings for Terry are genuine. If he feels anything for you,
he will see that." Adam said.

"He's only 18, how is he going to know? He is just a kid in a man's body."

"Is that how you really see him, Joel?" Adam asked.

I closed my eyes and shook my head 'no'.

"Does Terry remember the last part of the dream, Joel?" Adam asked.

"Yes, he does. He wants to discuss it and I have put him off."

"Than we have to trust each other, including Terry. Yes, we could all walk
away, go in different directions...but you know it isn't our path to
follow." Aaron said.

"Why us, Aaron, why us? We are outcasts from the church. We are the
'sinners' that the Mormon Church casts out in the name of Jesus. Who would
ever believe us?"

"Well, Joel, there were those who believed Joseph Smith and his
revelations. It took him on an incredible adventure, but he had to take
it. We don't know where this adventure will take us, but we have to take
it." Aaron said.

"I know. But you are comparing us to Joseph Smith, I wonder if that is a
fair comparison or are we headed to the loony bin for the nut cases that we
are proclaiming that we can reveal 'all the truths' to answer the questions
of mankind. I really don't want this responsibility." I said.

Aaron and Adam just nodded their heads.

"Look at us," Adam said, "We have a lot to lose ourselves, a profitable
business venture and our friends and families. We will plan this out and
execute our actions carefully and when the timing is right we will proceed
while protecting ourselves to the limit if we have to. That is why we need
Terry on board with us."

"I am afraid he won't understand the ramifications of all of this."

"You have to understand that in any relationship, whether personal or
business, 'trust' is the most important element. Without it, no
relationship works or prospers. You have to trust in Terry to trust
you. Teach him with the old missionary lessons. If he trusts you, he will
learn. Accepting the principals of the church is not what you are trying to
accomplish here. Educating him in the Gospel will help him accept what he
has become a part of. Without that knowledge he will not know the
importance of the revelations that we heard and saw in the dream. It is
essential that he is taught and only you can do that."

Adam reached into his briefcase and pulled out an envelope and pushed it
towards me.

"Aaron and I know that the Missionary Lessons have changed since we were
missionaries. This is my copy of the old lessons. Read over them and
proceed as slowly as you see fit with Terry."

I took the envelope.

"I can't seem to get away from being a missionary." I said.

Adam and Aaron chuckled.

"Well, Joel, I always believed we are all missionaries is some form or
another. We will always teach, we will always guide, and we will always try
to convert others or ourselves to one thing or another." Adam said.

Than Aaron spoke some very hard words to believe.

"From the moment we were born into the Mormon Church, we were raised with
the missionary spirit, following the blueprint of the typical and perfect
Mormon life. Millions live and die with that concept of living. For those
of us who cannot live that blueprint of life, we move on with our
lives. Some are bitter and angry because the church is all we have known
and find that turning against the church satisfies and overcomes the
feeling of rejection from the church. If the church rejects us, the church
must be wrong and all the testimonies we gave all of our life that the
'church is true' is no longer meaningful. The church must be 'false' if it
rejects those who believe in the gospel and are gay. Can gay Mormons
believe in the gospel? Yes they can. Can they be spiritual and be gay? Yes
they can.  Can they be Mormon and Gay? Not according to the church
leaders. So many leaders of so many Christian religions believe that if you
are gay, you cannot believe in God or Christ or of the Holy Ghost. Your
behavior transcends your faith into evilness. We know they are wrong. Just
maybe, 'we', as the chosen can change people's minds about that. We teach
them with what they taught us and help them learn to understand. It comes
around to us being missionaries again."

Wow! Adam and Aaron are incredible. I am finding myself being
converted. But I am determined about Terry.

"Okay. I am going to take my time with Terry. I want our relationship on
solid ground before I start teaching him. But I am going to be completely
honest with him on this and you two with have to trust me with that."

Adam and Aaron looked at each other and nodded their heads in agreement.

"That's great." Adam said.

"Are you okay now Joel?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah, I think so. I am just not looking forward to tomorrow night."

Adam got a pad of paper out of his briefcase and wrote something down and
passed it over to me.

"Here, Joel. Check this website out tonight before you go tomorrow
night. It will help you."

"Okay, I will." I said putting the paper in my wallet.

"There's one more thing."

"What's that?" Adam asked.

"When do we tell Tyler? He should know what happened."

"In time. Please trust us that we will pick the right time." Aaron said.

"I want to be there when you do." I said.

"I am sure that is what we will do, Joel." Adam said.

We said our goodbyes and I walked down to Joel's room in time for dinner.

I walked into the room and found Tyler and Kevin with Terry. I immediately
kissed Terry on the lips.  I turned around to see Kevin and Tyler looking a
little surprised.

"Hi guys, have you been keeping my boyfriend company while I was gone?"

"Yes, we have. My brother seems so anxious to get out of this hospital this
weekend."

"Well, I hope so. Is our room ready Kevin?" I asked.

"Yeah, our mothers have the room ready. Most of your stuff is already there
Joel."

"Great."

I looked over at Tyler. I walked over to him and put my arms around him.

"How are you doing, Tyler?"

"I am not having a good time. I miss him so much."

Tyler squeezed me tightly. He started to cry.

"I know, Tyler. I know how you feel. You can always call me if you need to
talk about it."

Kevin came around and put his arms around him as well.

"We are all here for you Tyler." Kevin said to him.

 Tyler released me and backed away from Kevin.

"Thanks. Being with you guys, helps." Tyler said wiping tears from his
eyes.

"Tyler?" Terry called out. "Come here."

Tyler walked over to Terry. Terry took his hand.

"I am sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine what it is
like so all I can do is be your friend and tell you that I am here for
you."

Tyler smiled at him.

"Thanks, Terry. I want to say the same for you. Though I suspect that Joel
is taking good care of you."

Terry blushed at that. Damn it. Tyler looked over at me and winked. Kevin
just laughed at us.

"You guys know that a week ago we didn't even know each other. Now I think
we are going to be life long friends." I said.

"Yeah, kind of freaky isn't it." Kevin said.

"You have no idea." I said.

I noticed Tyler looking at me as if he suspected that what I said had a
double meaning to it. It did.

"Tyler, did Joel tell you about his 'hearing' tomorrow night?" Terry asked.

"No, what hearing, Joel?" Tyler asked.

"Disciplinary hearing with the Stake President and Bishop."

"Wow, that was quick. I have not been through that." Tyler said.

"You haven't been to the temple and received your endowments. So you can
remain a member without any action taken against you." I said.

"So, my baptism didn't mean anything than apparently." Tyler said.

"It did, like mine, but I have my endowments which can be rescinded." I
said.

"So I can be gay and go to church?" Tyler asked.

"What I read on the internet, you can go but you can't partake of the
sacrament." I looked over at Terry. "The sacrament is the eating of the
bread and the drinking of the water that represents the body and blood of
Christ."

"Okay." Terry said.

"Are you still wearing garments, Joel?" Tyler asked.

"No, I removed those last week just before I took my overdose. I am wearing
boxer briefs now if you need to know." I said.

"Garments?" Kevin asked.

"Garments are what as known as 'special underwear'. They consist of a
t-shirt and briefs that are embroider with certain Masonic type symbols. No
one can see them unless you look closely. The garments are placed upon our
bodies during the first temple visit." I explained.

"Wow. Kind of intrusive in your life aren't they?" Kevin asked.

"You have no idea." This time said by Tyler giving me a wink.

I just smiled at him.

"Is it hard to be gay and Mormon?" Kevin asked.

"I can't speak for Tyler, but for me it was all suppressed. I hid my
feelings, trying to ignore them hoping they would go away. I was faithful
and remained clean growing up and prepared for my mission. It was on my
mission, Kevin that I explored those feelings." I said.

"It was different for me." Tyler said. "I explored...rather I had sex since
I got my drivers license. I would meet older married men in the city
park. Get picked up and have sex with them. I wanted to have both, my
secret gay life and my public Mormon life. I held on to that for a couple
of years. I confessed to my Bishop what I was doing and he told my
parents. Than all hell broke loose. Long story."

"Wow. Your Bishop is like your priest?" Kevin asked.

"Yes he is. Actually all the male members are priesthood holders. But, my
confession to him was supposed to be confidential. The Bishop thought my
parents already knew. Then I went into a 'denial' mode. Said I had sex with
men, but claimed I wasn't gay." Tyler said.

"Wow. How long did you carry that story around with you?" Terry asked.

"It lasted a couple of years but took a toll on me and my family. If I had
it to do over again, I would do it differently." Tyler said.

"Wow, Tyler, that had to be rough." Kevin said.

"Yeah, it was. Now I feel comfortable with my family and they seem
comfortable with me." Tyler said.

"I am kind of worried how this is going to turn our family around." Kevin
said. "With Terry and me coming out, my Dad may never speak to us again. My
other brother I just don't know about. My mother seems so happy and free
now."

"My mother seems to be the same way." I said. "I have never seen her seem
so happy and content. Making that decision after all these years as
released her from her personal prison. I had no idea how unhappy she was."

"The four of us are survivors. We should celebrate when Terry gets out of
the hospital."  I said.

"I would like that." Tyler said.

"Great. It's a plan." I said.

We chatted for a while longer. I knew Tyler needed to be around people and
I would make it my mission to keep him company when we could. We headed
down to the cafeteria with Terry in a wheel chair and had dinner
together. With Tyler and Kevin having left after dinner, Terry and I
talked.

"Are you okay with what we talked about today, Terry?"

"I guess I am."

"You didn't reveal what we saw after Gary passed."

"No, I didn't. Since you didn't I felt I shouldn't either, I trust you
Joel. "

I hope you always will, I thought.


After a couple of hours of hanging out, I kissed him goodnight and promised
him I would see him tomorrow for lunch. As I left he told me that he loved
me.

I went home to find my mother finishing up her packing. My computer would
be the last thing we would move tomorrow. I went to my room and I took out
the note that Adam gave me and I looked up the website. It proved
invaluable. I also found some great Gay Mormon support groups on Yahoo. I
spent most of the night reading as much as I could. I slept well and was
ready for what I hoped would be a great productive day.



>From Jim's perspective:


It's Friday morning and I am doing my rounds at the hospital. I found Terry
alone in his room.

"How are you today, Terry?" I asked.

"I am doing okay. My doctor says I may get to go home tomorrow."

"That's great. Are you still in much pain?"

"No, the morphine took care of that for awhile, but the pain seems to be
subsiding."

"Good. How are things with you and Joel?"

"I am scared, Doctor."

"Why?"

"I am only 18. I never really loved anyone before. I am having feelings
that I have never felt before."

I smiled at him.

"It's okay. This is all new to you and that is understandable. Your first
love is really something and special. For some, there first love is the
only love they will ever have. Yes, it can be scary, but it can be exciting
too."

"I am not his first love and I understand that. I only hope that I can be
good for him."

"Terry, what Joel had with Brian was incredibly special for him, but Brian
broke his heart. He has opened his heart to you, believing he can move on
with his life. You are both young and really inexperienced with any real
relationships. The best advice I can give you is what I have lived with in
my relationship. Always be honest, always trust, and never, keep anything
from the other. When something does happen, always listen and communicate
and try to understand and be willing to forgive. Anyone can have a
relationship, but it's what two people build on it that matters."

"Wow. That's a lot to remember."

"Well, it's worked for me."

"Yeah, Rick seems like a great guy."

"He is."

"I hope Joel and I will have what you have."

"You two still have some growing to do. If you grow together, you guys
will."

"I hope so."

I moved closer to his bed.

"Terry, it's been a week since your father and brother attacked you. How do
you feel about your father and brother?"

Terry looked towards the window as I can see his mind trying to decide how
he truly feels.

"I think I really don't know. I have always felt like I hated my father. I
never felt like I was ever wanted by him."

"Was there ever a time you felt like he did?"

"Yeah, when I was about 4 or 5. Then it all changed and I don't understand
why it did."

"Did you feel guilty about that?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you now?"

"No, I don't anymore. I grew up not to like the man I got to really know."

"What about your brother?"

"I was never really close to him. Wasn't really close to Kevin. This past
week has changed that."

"You didn't feel close to anyone did you before all this happened?"

"No, not really. I felt isolated from my family. I guess I actually felt
isolated from everyone in my life. I was so alone and I hated it. Today, I
have my mother, Kevin and Joel. It's all different."

"So I won't have to worry about you putting yourself in harm's way again."

"No. Everyone knows about me now. I don't feel any anger towards myself or
really, anyone else. I don't know if I can ever forgive my father and
brother. I just want to be happy."

"Okay. I will release you when your Doctor does, I don't see any reason to
hold now."

Terry looked up at me surprised.

"You would have?"

"Terry, what you did last week was self destructive. I suspect you knew
that you father would have become violent when you revealed to him your
sexual life. You reached a breaking point and you accepted what ever the
consequences there of.  In my mind it was almost the same thing that Joel
did, but not really the same direct intent. Do you understand?"

"I understand. I know." He said closing his eyes.

"You are ready to move on with your life, accept who you are, allow others
to love you for who you are and you have new relationships to build with
Kevin, your mother and Joel."

"Yeah." He said smiling.

"And you have me to keep seeing so you stay on track."

"Yes, sir."

"Great. If you get out this weekend, call my office Monday for an
appointment, okay?"

"Yes I will."

"Good."

"I have one question for you doctor."

"What's that?"

"Have you ever had 'boyfriends' as patients before?"

I smiled at him and chuckled.

"Well, there is always room for firsts. I suspect that private sessions
will move into a 'boyfriend' session before long."

Terry smiled and nodded his head. Looking behind me, his eyes got big. I
turned and saw Joel standing there.

"Hi Joel." I said.

"Hi Doctor, how's my boyfriend?"

"He's doing fine. I think you might be the best medicine for him right
now." I said with a wink.

"Yeah, I think so too." Joel said.

"Fine. I will take my leave and talk to you two later."

"Bye, Doctor." They both said in unison and I left the room.



>From Terry's perspective:


Joel stayed awhile and we had lunch together. He wouldn't anything with me
and promised that when I got home that we would. He still got me
excited. Joel told me that he wouldn't see me for dinner, as he had to go
to his meeting. I knew I was going to miss him tonight.

About 6 P.M., I had already finished dinner and I was watching television
when I looked up as he walked into the room and stood at the foot my bed.

It was my brother. He must have gotten out of jail.



>From Joel's perspective:


I entered the church ward building and headed to the gym. Mom is waiting
for me in the parking lot. I saw Dad's car outside. I am not looking
forward to this. I walked the hall of this ward building where I spent my
years growing up and developing my personal relationship with the church
and Heavenly Father. I stopped at the table with the mirror above it near
the entrance. I looked at myself, dressed in one of my suits I had for my
mission. My mission nametag is tucked into the coat pocket as is required
for all missionaries to wear when conducting church business. I looked at
myself and for the first time in a long time, happy with whom I see in the
reflection.  I turn and start walking down the hallway, past the ward
library and chapel.

This will be my last walk into the building. I opened the door to the gym
and there were 12 men from the stake presidency and the bishopric of my
ward seated at a folding table in the center of the basketball court.  One
single chair was placed about 15 feet from the table. I sat down without
comment. The men were quietly talking among themselves.

I sat quietly, waiting, feeling my heartbeat. I glanced at my watch and it
read 6:59.

"Brother Albers, I see you are prompt. Thank you."

"Your welcome, President Smith." I said to the president of the Stake.

"First we should open with a prayer." President Smith said.

Everyone crossed their chests with their arms and bowed their heads.

"Our Heavenly Father..."

I heard those words so many times when opening a prayer. Prayers of
guidance, comfort and reassurance seemed to be the constant theme of all
open and public prayers.  I raised my head and looked at the 10 men in
prayer. Bowing their heads in humbleness and submission. I never did
understand why crossing the chest was always a part of praying in church or
a group. Like protecting the heart from God actually seeing what is truly
in one's heart, when the heart should always be open to God.

Gazing upon my father, deep in prayer. I began to wonder what was truly in
his mind and heart, since he was never open with either with me.

Looking across the table at the other men I had grown to respect over the
years.

"...We ask for your presence and your blessing as we..."

I wonder how many times these men have overseen disciplinary hearings.

"...We ask that the spirit fills the room as we..."

I wonder if the spirit is going to be here for them or me.

"...search our hearts for truth and understanding..."

Whose search for truth? And who is really going to understand, besides
Heavenly Father, himself?

"...this troubled young man who comes before us..."

I guess I am troubled about this whole show of an 'official church
function' for the end of my membership in the Mormon Church.

"...we ask for all these blessings in the name of thy son..."

Finally, the prayer is over.

"Brother Albers, we have asked you here to discuss your 'spiritual
salvation'."

"I didn't know I needed 'spiritual intervention'."

My remark was ignored.

"Brother Albers, we are very concerned about you situation. We understand
you just got out of the hospital after the attempt to take your own
life. We have read and reviewed these two notes that were found by your
father last week when he found you."

I looked over at my father. His eyes were burning into me. I looked into
those eyes and said, "Those notes were private. They were not intended to
be put on public display."

"These notes are evidence of your conduct which troubles us here."
President Smith said.

I looked back at him.

"My conduct which is not in accordance with the standards of living as out
lined by the church in Salt Lake?"

"Yes. I need you to confess to us here and now, your sins so that you can
be absolved of those."

"Which sin do you want me to discuss in detail, President?"

"The sin of homosexuality that you were involved in while on your mission
and the sin of attempting to take your life."

"I am willing to admit that I had homosexual relations with another Elder
while on my mission and that I attempted to kill myself."

"You will need to tell us in detail what exactly transpired on your
mission."

Wow. They want to hear about my 'perversions'. I thought I was considered
the pervert here.

"Gentleman, I will not describe in detail my sexual conduct with my
missionary companion other to say that sex did take place. It was private
and personal between us and none of yours or my father's business."

"You must confess the details. Accept and deny the sins that you have
committed so you can be blessed, forgiven and you can move on with your
life in a righteous way."

I looked around the room of men. All eyes were on me. Most of the eyes
showed contempt towards me. My father was not looking at me, just stared at
the table.

I stood up.

"I will give you my confession."

I approached the table. My father didn't move.

"I confess that I loved another man. A man who could touch my heart like no
one else has done. His touch was so welcome. His kisses were so
genuine. His loving making made me feel so complete and at peace with
myself."

I waited for any visual reaction. The men maintained their composure.  I
saw my father's face start to turn to red.

"I am not going to tell you what we did sexually, you wouldn't tell me what
you do sexually. But in all our minds, we can imagine what takes place when
two people make love. I can imagine what you do with a woman, so you can
imagine what I can do with a man."

The men didn't look too happy at that visual rather than my telling them
what actually took place.

"I am not ashamed of what happened between Brian and me."

I paused.

"My regret is that he felt he had to end his life rather than spend it with
me. I will always be in love with Brian. He has a permanent place in my
heart. Is that a sin, to love someone?  In your minds, it is if it is a
person of the same sex. Is it a sin in God's eyes? I don't know and I won't
know until I pass through the veil and face him."

"It is written that it is a sin." President Smith said.

"It is written in the Old Testament in a time when science and genetics had
not been discovered." I looked around and glared at each man in the eyes.

I stopped at my father's face.

"We ask every convert to believe, with an open mind, that Joseph Smith gave
us the restored gospel. We ask them to throw logic and reality out the
window so they can believe in what we believe. Is it logical that Joseph
Smith could have done everything he claimed to do? Is it reality that we
are here, facing an issue that requires an open mind to accept only for me
to be faced with closed minds?  It doesn't matter that Joseph Smith told
the truth than now, it matters that I tell you the truth now, when it does
matter."

I brought my face to my father's.

"I grew up in this church. I found myself with same sex attraction when I
was 12. I prayed, studied, and diligently performed all my callings in the
priesthood. I thought if I was completely dedicated to everything in the
church, that Heavenly Father would remove these feelings from me. They
never went away, so I suffered with these feelings internally. The past
week has been a life altering experience with an extraordinary dream. I
discovered that I am not afraid of anything anymore. I found inner strength
to accept what I believe Heavenly Father has given me. He sent Brian into
my life. He has sent me some wonderful friends. Now I accept that I am a
homosexual, that I am attracted to the same sex. I prefer to have sex with
a man. That I am not going to be like my father and be a Zionist robot of
this church."

My father was beside himself. He rose from his chair.

"HONOR THY FATHER." He yelled at me.

I stood my ground, looking him square in the eye.

"You, sir, were never a father to me to be honored."

For the first time in my life I saw tears in my father's eyes.

"You were never home, you were always away at meetings. When you were
Bishop, I never saw you, when you were released and called to the Stake
Presidency, I never saw you. Mom and the church raised me."

We continued to stare at each other.

"I don't know you." I said.

"Gentlemen, this is not the place for you to discuss your relationship."
President Smith said.

I turned to the President.

"Oh but it is. He is showing all of you how the church is more important to
him than his family...more important than my mother, more important than
me. He couldn't send me to reparative therapy so he must have me
excommunicated from the church and the family so HIS faith and devotion is
never questioned, that his membership in this church remains completely
intact.  I have read on the Internet that these types of hearings are
usually after months of counseling, but not this time. Why are you in such
a hurry, father?"

My father sat down, closing his eyes and lowering his head with guilt?
Maybe. I doubt it.

I turned to the President and reached into my coat pocket. I removed a
white envelope.

"I found many websites that help gay Mormons since the church doesn't help
nor does it intend to help in a healthy manner. Here is a copy of the
letter I sent to Salt Lake today. It is my letter of resignation from the
church."

I handed the letter to the President and walked over and pulled out another
envelope and looked at my father.

"I give you this father to remember me by."

I placed the copy of my resignation before him. He didn't move to touch it.

I turned back to the President and said, "I also have with me another
resignation. I have been asked to give it to you as well." I pulled out
another envelope and placed before him. I than took the two suicide notes
from the table. "These gentlemen are my property. I insist that what you
read remains confidential. If I find out otherwise, I will seek legal
action against you and the church."

I went back to my father. I placed another envelope next to mine.

"This letter of resignation is from my mother. She has told me that she
cannot remain in a church that cannot accept her son for who he is. She
also said she couldn't stay in a marriage where her husband could not
accept his son for who he is."

My father just stared at the envelopes. All eyes around the table were on
him.

"Mom and I have moved out of your house today, father. When you go home, I
hope you find some peace in your loneliness."

I turned to address the Stake President.

"I think our business here is concluded."

I took off my Missionary nametag and placed it on the table and turned and
walked out of the gym. I walked only a few feet when I fell against the
wall and wept.


The end of Chapter 29